Archer s12e08 Episode Script

1
Look, I don't want to hurt Archer.
- Oh.
- Oh, thank God.
- But I will.
- God damn it.
Every hour on the hour.
That's company policy,
and I am a stickler.
A stickler? Is that like
the one up your ass-ler?
- Didn't quite get there.
- It's simple, really:
give me the memory stick
or Archer dies.
Damn.
Should've saved
the stick thing for that one.
Look, we obviously
want Archer back, but we
- We'll do it.
- But where is Ms. Archer?
- I'd like confirmation from her.
- She's distraught,
but she deputized me to
make decisions on her behalf.
- Wait, Malory never
- And one of those decisions is shut up.
And just for a bit
of added incentive, know
I'll be beating Archer until
the exchange takes place.
Ta, then.
So that's it?
We're really gonna give him
the blueprints to an energy source
that could kill a billion
people if he weaponized it?
- And why exactly are you here?
- She's here to assess
the environmental impact
of that gadget.
So the detonation
of a nuclear fusion weapon,
- that would be bad?
- Well, yes.
If only you'd gotten here sooner.
- Where in the world is Malory anyway?
- Oh. So we have to reveal
every part of our intricate plan
- so you can blab it everywhere?
- We don't know.
Can we please coordinate
lies in advance?
I'm flailing out here like
a one-armed milker on meth.
Pardon our dust. Moving in.
Expand or die you know,
although the second is
really your only option here.
Hey, I'm handcuffed and
he just threatened to kill me.
Maybe you could,
I don't know, call the police.
I-I get it, don't wanna
jeopardize this lucrative job
of picking stuff up
and later putting it back down.
- Check your privilege.
- I'll never do that and you know it.
Welcome to your accommodations.
I trust you'll be comfortable
for four seconds.
Which are over.
That would sound a lot more sinister if
you weren't standing next
to a giant tub of jelly beans.
It's like if "Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory"
were exactly as creepy
as it currently is.
Hey, bud. What'd the five
fingers say to Archer?
- Uh, nice to see you?
- No, they didn't say that.
They don't have mouths.
Man, this doesn't seem fair, does it?
Hey, Other Barry,
could I talk to Barry?
Sure. You mind if I just
keep laying 'em in here?
- Yes.
- I thought so.
Hey, bud. Barry here.
Fabian tried to hack
my central processor
and I guess he kind
of unleashed Other Barry.
And, man,
does Other Barry not like you.
I really do consider you one of
my best friends despite all this.
Yeah, I'd cry if I had access
to my tear ducts right now,
but I got no control, bud.
Other Barry is running the show.
Don't worry,
I'll do it for both of us.
- And again, I couldn't be sorrier about all this.
- You could try.
- See you in and hour, then.
- Oh, you will.
And I've got everything
I need right here.
Also, I'm probably severely concussed
which is why I'm talking to myself.
Right, Archer?
Right, other Archer.
No, no, no.
Let's not start that shit.
So what is the maximum mass
of a star
- that will not go supernova?
- Uh ooh, Estelle Getty.
I got a good feeling
about that one.
This is so much better
than watching my a ocelot
- eat endangered birds.
- So how's this going?
- Oh, about like you'd expect.
- Next question.
- Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
- Uh, Chandradeskar limit.
That isn't wait a second.
Look, we need
to figure out where Archer is
and I don't think this is helping.
Isn't there anything in Singapore that
you picked up other than gonorrhea?
Ugh, poor people disease.
I'm strictly spirochetes.
Wait. Colt, didn't
we find, like, a thing
- in your old apartment?
- Oh, yeah.
- I meant to analyze this.
- But you were too busy
exploring the golden age of television?
Oh, so I'm supposed to keep
track of everything
I'm supposed to be doing?
Yeah,
that makes a lot of sense.
If I apply power,
I should be able to get
a handle on what it does.
Ah!
- Come on.
- Jesus. Did we just contact the monolith?
That was a radio signal!
I'll try to trace it.
It's a back door
into the IIA mainframe.
I think I built the mainframe.
Hey, guys, I think it's possible
I wasn't a very good person.
Well, what's important is
that you're a good guy now.
And all it took was
destroying 8% of your brain.
- Thank you. Wait, what?
- Oh, did I not tell you that?
Yeah. It's like
Gone. Totally destroyed.
Well, lookee here.
You running, squirrel meat?
No, just heading
to lunch with all the stuff
I ever brought here.
Fine, I was leaving.
Since we're about to be
responsible for the apocalypse,
if I leave now, maybe I won't
end up in a bone cage
where I'm slowly
revenge-eaten by mutants.
Okay, weirdo.
That's why I'm staying.
No, Ray, we need you.
- You were an employee of IIA.
- I'm temp to perm!
This is just HR talking here,
but I know that that would
give you limited access
to their system and a general
sense of how it's structured.
Dukes.
Damn your HR acumen.
- So what's the plan here?
- We go get Archer.
That's the plan?
Yeah. I mean, a frontal
assault on an IIA compound?
I don't know.
They seem pretty good.
I mean, sure, we're gonna kick
their asses, but, like, are we?
So, what?
A sternly worded letter?
I got my pen, and it's
mightier than a sword
- full of word poison.
- Look at you, about to roll over
to these boring overlords.
Where's your self-respect?!
You used to be the best
in the world at this!
Jesus, neck bones is right.
- God damn it, I am in.
- Let's do this.
Wait, you guys,
I was being sarcastic.
You all suck and you always have.
Note to self: work on voice tone.
Invisible tape recorder off. Boop.
Oh, come on, we're
playing hide and seek now?
Red Rover, red Rover, let Archer
shit, wait,
that's the wrong game.
So, uh, this was the plan, bud?
The coffee pot
was to breach your exterior,
the staples were to, um, uh,
jam your gears.
Jam my gears?
I have frictionless bearings.
I'm a wonder of modern technology,
- not a freaking cuckoo clock. Come on.
- Okay, I get it.
Think I'd go through
the trouble of making myself
a death robot whose only
weakness is office supplies?
Fine. You don't have
to be a dick about it.
I wanted to make a blender
glove but that stuff wasn't here.
Then I got distracted
by the jelly beans.
Blender glove.
All right. That might have been cool.
- Okay.
- Barry, are you in there?
- Hey, bud.
- Can you talk to Other Barry, here?
Uh, sure thing. Hey, Other Barry,
uh, why do you wanna do this?
I have a really great answer to that,
- and it's "shut up."
- Classic avoidance.
Afraid of what
you might find, Other Barry?
You had sex with my fiancée
and dropped me
from a building. Twice.
Which made me into this.
A mechanical demigod?
Come on, man.
We experience sex
in eight dimensions now.
Wow, you do? Maybe you
should drop me off a building.
Oh, I'm planning on it.
Would you stop throwing boxes?
It's really annoying.
Other Barry, you're not a person.
You're the rage I felt at Archer.
I pushed you deep down
into my meta programming.
- Wait, really?
- You're the part of me I tried to get rid of.
Well, I'm still here.
Okay, Archer?
- Barry, heal thyself.
- Seriously, shut up.
Archer!
Ring around the rosies ♪
Damn it, that's not it either.
Archer, he's coming.
You probably know that,
but, honestly, it feels weird
and helpless
to ride around on a psychopath,
so I'm just saying stuff
to feel alive.
- You again? I was about to get away.
- Eh, I think he had you.
Uh, might wanna try behind him.
Man, I like this guy.
Oh, come on.
What kind of world would it be
if every person
I insulted made my life worse?
I don't know, a better one.
- Ow.
- And that's lunch.
See you in an hour, champ.
Great, now I landed on my keys.
Wait, I don't have keys on me.
How did I
That mover slipped it into my pocket.
I take back everything I said about you!
Well, I take back 60% of what
I said. No need to overreact.
We'll do the exchange.
Just don't hurt him anymore.
Remember, this is
a non-lethal mission.
- Wait, for real?
- I want them alive to relive the pain
we're about to inflict on them
over and over again.
There's my girl.
- And we're go.
- Nice. Extensive bathroom coverage.
Just two peas in a pervert pod.
- Hey, I'm working on one of those.
- Okay. We can all agree
I look banging in this, but how
are we gonna get in this place?
They've got at least two guards
at every entrance.
Right. But now
that we're in their system,
I'll just leave a couple negative
performance reviews and
I appreciate the creativity,
- but won't that take
- Suspended.
Trust me, this place
is more uptight
than a preacher's wife at an orgy.
- And you liked working there?
- They had great snacks.
- At the orgy?
- See, that right there
makes me wonder
why I'm taking her inside.
Hey, I have extensive
training in not anything.
So wait, same question.
You need to go
in there and sow chaos.
I want that place looking like
an escaped tiger hit Mardi Gras.
- Everything has led me to this.
- Uh, where were you carrying that?
- Cyril and I are gonna go get Archer.
- Here you go,
these should get
you through the building.
And if they don't, my bad.
Has anybody heard
from Ms. Archer at all?
Kind of seems like
she'd wanna be a part of this.
Hey. Yeah.
Where is Ms. Archer?
No. Nothing. No way.
I mean, it's just weird how not
at all I've heard from her.
Something you'd like
to share with the class, Pam?
- Uh, no.
- There's not a secret
- you want tell 'cause it's so secret?
- I I
Fine! Fine! I'll tell you.
I've been thinking about getting bangs.
It feels
so good to let out.
- Nice cover.
- Whew, that was close, huh?
Oh, come on.
Hey, hold up.
I'm fired? Oh, my God,
what am I gonna tell my wife?
Susan's gonna leave me.
- Damn it, Archer.
- Hey, gang.
Yeah, it still works like that.
Thanks for checking, though.
- Oh, hey.
- Oh, hey.
So I managed to escape
right when you guys were
running a rescue mission
and now everyone is inside
- with a schizo death cyborg?
- Uh yes?
- How is your timing so bad?
- Well, one could argue that your
Shut up.
Gimme a Tactile Cane
- and everything else you have in the van.
- Everything?
Who knows what
we'll need to take down Barry?
Mind-melt helmet,
the shock paddles, everything.
You mean, like,
everything-everything?
Well, we don't need
the stuff you use
to, like, circle jerk with ghosts.
Well, to be fair, that stuff is mine.
If they're sticky, that's
ectoplasm and nothing else.
- We've gotta get out of here.
- No, we need to find Archer first.
Hey, just for, like, your FYI,
Archer actually made it out
on his own.
Don't worry, he's on his
way back in to get you guys out.
What? So the same
thing can happen again?
Eesh, I hope not.
That would suck.
Especially 'cause the
building's on fire.
What the hell?
Did you drug all those people?
No. I just put angel dust
in one of the water coolers.
They drank that water
out of their own free choicing.
Not what "free choice" means.
Okay. Maybe more running.
I suppose I'm looking
for a reason my guards
are leaving and the rest
of my employees
are stark raving bonkers.
Well, I'd like to state for the record
that you are not
a golden being of light,
but are in fact
fired.
So are you here to find Archer
or shoot me?
Because I actually have
a preference on that.
Both.
- Freeze!
- Don't move.
I was this close to feeling regret.
Would've been a first for me.
- Incidentally, why are you dressed like that?
- Isn't it obvious?
Guess the old gal's still got it.
Damn it. You weren't
supposed to set fire
- to the whole building.
- No one said that!
At least it's sexier now.
- That's not a song.
- Come on, guys.
You can beat him.
Use what's around you.
Will you shut up?
Archer already tried that,
and it was ah, ah!
These are delicate optical sensors.
Do you have any idea
how much these cost?
- More than your head?
- Do what now?
Now, I go into your mind
and take you apart
from the inside.
Hit it, Krieger.
Yeah. My skull is shielded.
But I have to know,
what exactly did you
think would happen?
I thought I'd maybe
go inside your mind
and there'd be a Barry
and a separate Other Barry.
- And?
- And Other Barry
would be some kind of
Gigeresque monstrosity,
and then Barry and I
would defeat Other Barry
in some kind
of metaphorical combat
which would forever
extinguish Other Barry.
- And?
- Barry and I would be friends again.
God, what happened to you?
I'll tell you what happened:
friendship.
Whatever.
Now that's what I call
- Mother?
- Well, don't just stand there,
idiots, do something!
Archer, I can do a hard
reboot from inside here,
but you have to stun me.
- Just do it.
- But you'll die.
Nothing can change that now.
N-Now, Krieger.
Thanks, bud.
Hard reboot now.
- You saved my life, Barry.
- No, you saved mine.
Um, how?
I don't know.
Just felt right to say.
Good good night,
sweet me.
- No!
- Wait, that shock
brought some things back.
I built the IIA system
and I know how to take down
the entire company.
All we gotta do is
You betrayed me.
You were like a brother to me.
- I-I was?
- Oh, that's unsatisfying.
You guys get out.
I'll take Fabian.
Just make sure Mother is safe.
Oh, I guess she already
left at some point. Right.
- Gotta hang on, man.
- No, this is it. Just promise me.
- Anything. What?
- Do more science.
Just really weird, fucked up shit.
Stuff where even you're like,
"Man, I shouldn't have done that."
- Do that.
- I will.
Thank you
for being a friend.
Um, hate to interrupt,
but let's get out of here.
Not getting away that easy.
You know,
that cane is appropriate.
You're old.
Your time has passed.
The modern world has no used
for your little spy boutique.
You might as well be
selling buggy whips.
Yeah. Maybe I should
sell teeth instead.
Why would you sell
- And we have a buyer.
- Right.
Now, let's try that again.
The almighty Archer,
barely a shadow of your former self.
- You know, I should thank you.
- This ought to be good.
I hate you so much,
I think I just realized
I don't need my cane anymore.
God, I hate this hallway.
Thanks for creating
an escape route for me.
I guess you have a choice:
try to come after me
or drag your friend out of here.
Ta-ta.
- You again?
- So it would appear.
Why did you help me
even after I'd insulted you?
Why else are we here?
Wow. I need to hang
out with more movers.
Robert.
How did it go?
I'm on tenterhooks, here.
Well, we got Archer back
and burned down a building.
Ah, good.
And the memory stick?
We'll figure it out in the morning.
We were too tired to deal with it.
You know, I find it odd
that an environmentalist
would have the shower
going while he's in bed.
And also
okay, you are naked.
Lana, I know what it looks like
and that's exactly what it is.
- I understand it's awkward.
- Awkward?
That word seems to trigger you.
Was I wrong in assuming
we had evolved
- into a de facto open marriage?
- Why would you assume that?
- Wait, did you talk to Archer?
- Yes. We had a conversation.
That chatty,
soon-to-be-dead man.
Look, what happened to Japan
is not even close to this.
- Wait, what happened in Japan?
- It was
is that
not what we're talking about?
I was talking with him
when you got
- that bartender's phone number.
- It was a receipt.
And that was enough
for you to cheat on me?
- And what about Japan?
- You didn't even know about that.
This is about you being so
jealous over a phone number
- I mean, a receipt!
- So you thought it was a phone number?
- I knew it.
- I almost died today, okay?
- Like, a lot.
- Well, we didn't know that
because you cut us
out of the whole thing.
Wait a minute, who's "us"?
Ugh, I got tired
of waiting in the bathroom.
Yep. I'm out.
Stupid bouncer.
Maybe you have
unprocessed trauma
that you're expressing as hostility.
And, by the way, when
did bouncers get so insightful?
Huh?
- Should we wait for mother, Pam?
- Don't look at me,
she just told me to
coordinate the rescue with her.
She didn't wanna tell you
guys because she thought
you'd blab and blow
her element of surprise.
And she told you? A woman
whose loose lips have sunk
so many ships they should be named
Admiral Nelson
and concept of torpedoes?
Well, pardon me for
experiencing emotional growth,
- you dick.
- I guess we start without her.
So now that we're all rested,
ideas for the memory stick?
Really? Nothing?
So we slept on it
for no discernible reason?
Well, not no discernible reason.
I think you can all relax.
Robert, I don't think
another infusion of cash
is going to make a difference.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm done burning money.
I sold the agency
to a well-funded equity group,
United Money Partners.
You could destroy the chip
and stay afloat.
United Money Partners, LLC.
Looks like that's owned
by a General Business, Inc.,
which is actually a shell
company owned by YYZ.
- Zed.
- Which is in turn owned
- by a majority stakeholder named
- Fabian Kingsworth.
I was just so impressed
with your initiative,
grit, and improvisation last night,
I knew that IIA had to acquire you.
- Yes!
- Really?
They have great snacks.
Archer, I hate to use
the term "fun fact,"
but did you know that
as part of a tax dodge,
your apartment and everything
in it is property of the agency
and therefore mine?
And so is that memory stick.
- Not so fast.
- Oh, what now?
Yeah. Curious where
you're going with this.
There's one thing
you fail to understand, Fabian,
and when I reveal it,
you will realize that you have
- been taken for a fool.
- And what's that, Archer?
So what kinda snacks
are we talking about?
Hey. I-I don't think
you wanna do that.
No, let 'em.
Give me that.
"My dearest Sterling,
do you remember what I told you
on your first day of training?
You probably don't, but it was,
'Always know where the exits are.'
And with all the chaos
and confusion of late,
I thought it would be wise
to make my own exit
in my own time,
on my own terms and in a way
that I can never be found
by my enemies
or all my lovesick paramours,
who are literally countless."
Ugh.
"And so I've decided
that it's time to pass the torch.
Try not to burn yourselves with it."
What? It relaxes me.
"And I know my decision
may seem abrupt,
but we don't always get
to choose the perfect moment.
Take care of yourselves,
and especially you,
my Sterling,
because from wherever I am,
I'll be watching over you.
Love, Mother."
If I see this glass empty again,
I will be very unhappy.
- And how is my lady love?
- Infinitely better now.