It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s12e08 Episode Script

1 (indistinct conversations) CHARLIE: Oh, that's fresh, dude.
Yeah, that's real nice.
Seriously, you're gonna bring that up again? Jerry, Jerry, Jerry I'm so sick of hearing about Jerry, man.
- Everything is "Jerry" out of you mouth.
- Hey, hey, hey, uh, Ch-Charlie, I need a new keg.
- This one's tapped, buddy.
- Yeah, give me a second.
Like, if Jerry jumped off a bridge would you jump off it, too? - Which bridge? - Guys, guys - Which bridge, really? - Yeah, yeah.
Guys, guys, please stop arguing, okay? Can you just can you do your jobs today? We got a bunch of customers in here.
I want to take advantage of it.
Look, can you just tell him to get rid of Jerry first? I'm sorry, I don't even know who that is.
- My tapeworm.
- You have a tapeworm? - Yeah, he got a worm.
- Yeah.
Got a tapeworm.
And you named it? - Jerry.
- Jerry.
Yeah, okay, great.
Look, guys, can we not do this? Can we not talk about worms or sewers or rats today, with all these people in here? We got a good thing going.
- Charlie, new keg.
- Well, I just think maybe I'm a little sensitive because it's Valentine's Day and I don't really want to hear about Jerry all day long.
But, yeah, fine, what do you want you want me to put pink ink in the beer or something, - make it all inky and pink? - I No, no, no, no.
I don't want to do Valentine's Day shit, okay? I don't want to do that.
All right, look, all these people are in here today because they don't have people who love them and get them shit on Valentine's Day.
All right? So, can we not remind them of that with inky beer? All right, fine.
Can you just tell him to get lost, then? And then we'll go back to the way things were.
- Who? - Jerry.
- The worm? - Yeah.
It's an intestinal parasite, incapable of complex thought.
You just described my ex-husband.
- Oh (laughing) - Oh - Yeah, he's a - He can't think, yeah.
That's pretty funny.
- Hey, Dee! Yeah! - All right, Dee! (chanting): Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house, - uh, Dee is in the house.
- Oh - Oh - Thanks for the chant, guys.
What's up? - Yeah, no, we were talking about the new Dee, the funny one.
- Her? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Why are you calling her Dee? Oh, well, she's like a new regular.
She's been coming in here.
You know, trying to make her feel more at home.
- It's a nickname, short for Dottie.
- Then call her Dot.
Nah, we already started calling her Dee and it kind of stuck.
You know, can't really change it now.
It's locked in.
That's my nickname, bitch.
Don't you take my nickname.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! - You bitch! Get out of here! - What are you Don't-don't yell at the customers, okay? Look, we got a good thing going here, all right? We got a bunch of new customers in here.
We got a regular, we might get more regulars.
- Let's not screw this up.
- MAC: Guys, guys.
- I've got news, I've got glorious news.
- Oh! (chanting): Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac is in the house, Mac is in the house.
Thanks for the chant, guys.
Listen, I need everybody to drop everything and come out to the back alley.
There is an unopened crate out there.
- An un an unopened crate? - Crate? Oh! - Crate? - Hey, there's a crate! - Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! - We got a crate.
- Let's go! - We have a crate.
- No.
- What, what? - Stop, hey, stop! - What? What? - Stop! Stop.
We got a bar full of customers here.
So what? Oh! Oh, shit, okay, okay, you know what I'll do? Um, I can put a fan next to the yuck puddle, - and the smell's gonna clear everybody out.
- Oh! I don't want to clear everybody out.
I'm saying why are we running out of the bar to-to look - in some dumb crate? - Well, it's not about the crate.
It's about the mystery of what's inside the crate - that gets us.
- Yeah, the straw.
- Yeah.
Well, not the straw, though.
- No.
- Not the straw? - No, not the straw.
- Whatever's in the crate, like - Oh.
- Yeah, it's worth a look.
- It's not worth a look.
It's trash.
There's nothing in there.
There never is.
This is what I'm saying.
Why We're always running outside, out into the world, looking for riches and treasures when we've got everything we need right here.
Oh, you're saying we do, like, a booze for money type scheme.
That's good.
Who came up with that? - Oh.
Was it me? - Who came up with that? Whoever invented the idea of a bar.
Which is what we decided to do years ago when we bought this goddamn place.
So, can we please, for once in our lives, not go chasing after crates? You know, and talk about worms? Right? Yelling at the customers and shit? Can we just do the one thing we've never tried? Can we just do our jobs? - - (indistinct conversations) '89, good.
Damn drunks.
Rum and Coke, tequila soda.
Pay me.
All right, that's gonna be five.
Out of 20.
Yup.
Aw, she wants another mojito.
Looks like our regular's got herself a usual.
You bet.
- (chuckles) - Yo.
I am all done with my work.
Can we go check out that crate now? What? You're not done.
Shit, how'd you know? Because the bar's still open.
You're not done till we close.
Hey, what do you say you and me go out the back and check out that crate.
Just the two of us No one else has to know.
Just to get it off our minds.
It's not on my mind, okay? Let it go.
Christ, five people have walked in here since we started this conversation.
Can you go check their IDs so we don't get another underage drinking situation on our hands? - Just got my mind on that crate.
- Right, well, - get your mind on your job.
- FRANK: Done, done, done.
- Done with my work.
- Oh, Christ, they're like dominoes.
Frank, you're not done - until the end of the day.
- I already cooked the books.
How about you don't cook the books so we can actually tell - how the business is doing? - Oh, well It's crazy.
How are we ever gonna Oh, the soda gun's clogged.
Dude, can you go clear the lines for me? Trick Charlie into doing it.
Well, I want you to do it.
I can't trick Charlie.
Charlie's pretending to ignore me because he's jealous of Jerry.
I-I don't want you to trick Charlie.
- I want you to clear the lines.
- Speaking of Jerry - Break time.
- What do you mean? Lunch.
I'm craving salty, but Jerry likes sweet.
What are you doing? Don't-don't reach your hands directly in the - This is sweet.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, get out of here, Frank, you're an animal.
He won't stop eating, - yet he's just wasting away.
- Yeah.
I mean, can you believe them? You know, I can't even play Night Crawlers with him anymore 'cause he doesn't want to offend Jerry.
I'm gonna stop you there, Charlie, because I've exhausted my daily quota of worm talk and worm-related issues.
- What are you doing? - Yeah.
- Don't reach your hands in there! - Why not? Jesus Christ Oh, God.
Look, can you just can you please go clear the lines for me? Are they clogged? Yeah.
- Just trick Dee into it.
- It's not a tri See, this is the problem.
You guys all think that work is tricking people.
It's not.
It's just your job.
So, can you please go do it? In all the time that we've talked about tricking each other into doing our jobs we could've made 1,000 drinks.
Yeah, maybe.
All right, let me see if I can trick Mac into it first.
Don't trick anybody, just do it Oh, goddamn.
I need two shots of whiskey.
Two shots of whiskey.
Okay, yes, nice.
Finally, somebody's actually working.
You know what, I appreciate that, Dee.
- I appreciate you.
- All right, what are you doing? No, no, no, no, no.
- That was a big one.
Thank you.
- The other one, too.
Yeah, that's what this is.
Okay, so, clearly, you're not busy, so, I need somebody to clear the lines.
The soda gun's clogged.
Did Charlie ask you to trick me? Trick you? No, the It's not a trick.
The soda gun is clogged, I cannot make drinks.
I don't know.
I don't trust Charlie today.
You know, I made him a valentine He hasn't given me shit yet in return.
Why the hell did you do that? We don't do valentines anymore.
I know, but we used to, and it was fun, you know? It was a goof.
It wasn't a goof.
You guys were supposed to give valentine's cards to each other, but instead you were just sticking hate mail in a suggestion box covered in hearts.
I'll give it to you, though it got a little nasty at the end.
A-A little bit nasty? One of you put anthrax in the box.
Or do you not remember the anthrax scare? Oh, ho, I remember the anthrax scare.
To many, 9/18 was the delivery world's 9/11.
(chuckles) That's a good point.
No, I'm talking about a different anthrax scare, but it shouldn't concern you.
- Stop it! - She just talks too much.
- Hey-oh! - Oh! - Cricket! - Cricket! - Cricket! - Hey, you guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP? - CHARLIE: No, dude, you do you! - FRANK: Go for it.
MAC: You do you! - You do you! - You do you! We don't judge, Cricket, we don't judge.
What are you doing? Guys, guys, guys, what in the hell are you doing? - Cricket.
- Cricket.
Yeah, Cricket.
This has got to stop, you guys.
This is nuts.
We can't go around encouraging homeless men to smoke PCP in our restrooms, you know, trying to trick each other into doing our jobs and getting fired up at the-the mere mention of a crate.
- Oh, but it's just such a mystery, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Cool crate.
- It's a big box.
Yeah, yeah, it really isn't though.
It's just trash.
It's trash that somebody left behind.
Hey, but if it's mystery you want, you know, what about the mystery of the yuck puddle? What the hell is that thing, you know? Why won't it dry up? Why won't it harden? It shifts.
I've seen it shift.
He's seen it shift.
You see, we shouldn't have an amorphous shifting blob in the bar, you know? So why don't you and Mac go solve that goddamn mystery by cleaning it up, you know? And, oh, what about the mystery of the clogged soda gun, you know? Dee, why don't you and Frank go solve that mystery by clearing the lines? Well, that's-that's not such a mystery.
And we could probably trick Cricket into doing it.
Oh, why don't we just trick Cricket doesn't work here though.
- But that's free labor.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's kind of better.
- Get him for free.
You're not you're not getting Hey, just do your jobs! Just do your jobs.
(bubbling) Why isn't it getting any smaller? Can I be honest, dude? I think this thing's alive.
Oh, that must be what all the bubbling's about, 'cause it's, like, trying to communicate.
It definitely feeds.
I-I've found bones in it, man.
- So it wants to live.
- Yeah, dude, I don't know what I'm gonna do during the next inspection, 'cause I-I can't get rid of this thing.
(sighs) So Dennis has sent us in here to do the impossible.
Absolutely.
Dude, what is going on with him, right? Like, there's got to be something in this whole "do your job" angle.
'Cause that doesn't sound like Dennis to me, - you know what I mean? - I know, dude.
He's acting, like, so weird, especially towards me.
I think it's because I'm gay and he's, like, - totally uncomfortable with it.
- Y Well, no, 'cause he's known that forever, so it's, you know Well, he may have suspected it before, but there's no way he could have known for sure.
'Cause I show no outward signs of being gay, and that's just the end of the story, all right? But, look, either way, he's been acting very distant towards me, and I feel like he sent me in here to punish me or something, because, I agree, the whole, like, "do your job" angle - just seems, like, totally out of the blue, and, like - It's, like, a bullshit thing, right? - Like - Unless Oh, my God.
What? Charlie, he doesn't want us to work at all.
- (gasps) He doesn't? - No.
He doesn't want us to mop up the yuck puddle.
- He wants us to "mop up the yuck puddle.
" - Oh! Of emotions.
Of what? - It's a metaphor.
- For what? He wants us to talk through our personal issues and be more open with our feelings because it's Valentine's Day.
Oh! Weird.
That doesn't sound like Dennis, but, uh - Go with me here, dude.
- Okay.
Valentine's Day is an entire day dedicated to feelings, - something that Dennis doesn't have.
- Right, that's true.
And so that's why he hates Valentine's Day so much.
But he's entrusted me, because I'm a gay man - and clearly more sensitive than the rest of you, - Well, no, - to break down those walls.
- but okay.
All right.
- All right, cool.
Yeah, yeah.
- Yes, okay, so I'll share first.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I have a huge surprise for Dennis, but I feel like he's not emotionally available to Uh, uh, Frank's gonna leave me for Jerry, man.
Oh, uh, I was talking.
But, uh, I guess we'll, um we'll do your thing first.
You know he's only doing this to get a rise out of you, right? - Oh, that's so Jerry.
- No, not Jerry.
Not the worm.
Never the worm.
We're talking about Frank, okay? If you just pretend to like the worm, then he'll probably just get rid of it.
Oh, shit.
You think so? I know so, buddy.
- Nice, man.
All right.
- Yeah.
Okay, now back to my thing.
- Yeah, that just gave me a great idea.
- If I just give - Thanks, Mac.
- Charlie, if you just You're not gonna let me talk?! So, uh, you're gay, huh? For pay or for free? Uh, for free, I guess.
Chump.
- It's taking forever.
- (grunts) - Ugh.
- Try sucking on the other end, maybe.
I'm not sucking on the other end.
Get that shit in my mouth? No, thanks.
And what the hell's going on with Dennis? Since when does he care how the bar does? (grunts) I don't know.
It doesn't add up.
I can't get a read on him these days.
He's just always cranky and irritated.
- Rage-filled, rape-y.
- It's like, as the years go by, he just gets more and more irrational.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Especially with this whole "work the bar" angle.
- I mean, what is that? - (scoffs) Unless Oh, my God.
Dennis doesn't want us to work the bar.
- He doesn't? - No! He wants us to work on ourselves.
What the shit are you talking about? Just go with me here.
It's Valentine's Day, right, a day we all used to love and enjoy until we turned on each other with the hate mail.
Dennis wants us to work through our personal issues so we can enjoy Valentine's Day again.
- I got it.
- Yeah.
Okay, so I'm gonna go first.
I'm so mad at Charlie, because I made him a valentine, and, you know what, he didn't even really I gave myself Jerry on purpose.
Well, I was right in the middle of a sentence, but what? I gave myself the tapeworm.
- Well, that is the most disgusting thing I've - How, you're wondering.
No, I don't.
No, thanks.
I bought poop on the dark Web and stuffed it up my butt to lose weight.
- Jesus Christ.
Uh, that's enough.
- Yeah.
- Well, it took about four ounces of it.
- I-I That's enough! I don't want to know! With the tip of a teaspoon.
- Okay Frank! - How else? Stop answering questions I'm not asking, okay? - I'm done, I'm done.
- I had to hold my knees above my head for a half hour - and clench my sphincter.
- Stop! Stop! (indistinct chatter) (muttering) Charlie, I'm mad, - and I think we need to clear the lines.
- Huh? - Uh, just-just trick somebody else into it.
- No, that's not what I'm Wh-What are you doing? (sighs) I'm trying to write a valentine.
I just Oh.
(chuckling): Okay.
Uh, okay.
Well, I'll just, uh, let you finish.
- Didn't mean to interrupt.
- Okay.
I also got you a box of chocolates, so - (chuckles) - Right.
Oh, oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Dee, Dee, Dee.
- Yeah.
- Um, c-can you think of a word that rhymes with "Jerry"? - What? - I can't think of one.
Are you making a valentine for Frank's tapeworm? Well, not if I can't think of a word that rhymes with "Jerry.
" - You son of a bitch.
- What? - I can't believe you don't know! - I have no idea! Oh, and literally everything rhymes with "Jerry," okay? - Scary, hairy, Mother Mary, quite contrary.
- (stammering) Woozy, woozy.
Woozy from sucking lines.
- Ho.
(whoops) - All right, Frank, Frank, Frank, before you do another thing, - I wanted to give you a valentine.
- Unbelievable! Right in front of me? - You did? - Yeah-huh.
- Charlie.
Well - Well, it's for both of you guys, but, these, - these are just for Jerry.
- (Dee gasps) No.
- Charlie.
Oh.
- Yeah.
(laughs) - Oh, that's so sweet.
- Look at that.
- Thank - You dick.
- You shouldn't have.
Mmm.
- No! No, he didn't.
Listen to me, I got these for him, all right? - So no.
- Mmm? - I got these.
- Our blood sugar's low.
Mmm.
- Oh, guess what, I bought these for him.
- Mmm - (laughs) - (Frank moaning) You fool! - It's so good, Charlie.
- Those chocolates that you're so gleefully devouring are chock-full of Bye-Bye Jerry pills.
You wouldn't.
Oh, but I would, Frank.
You see, I knew you'd never take the pills willingly.
But Jerry Jerry likes sweet, doesn't he? You poisoned me.
- (grunting) - No.
No, he poisoned me.
At worst, you're properly medicated.
(laughs) (groans) You son of a bitch.
- Charlie.
- Bye-bye Jerry! (Frank groans) I'm poisoned.
- (shouts) - Poisoned! I'm poisoned.
What are you doing? - We've been poisoned.
- No, No.
No, no, no, nobody's been poisoned.
- They're just - CHARLIE: Plenty more poison - where that came from! - (bar patrons gasp) - DENNIS: Uh, there is no - So, don't even think about trying to get another worm, Frank.
And there are no-no worms.
- Nobody has worms.
- Well, not anymore - they don't.
- (Dennis groans) DENNIS: Don't leave.
Please, don't leave.
Guys, what are you doing? Take this discussion someplace else.
No, I'm good because I've had a great Valentine's Day.
Bye-bye, Jerry.
Are you serious?! You son of a bitch, Charlie.
You screwed me, okay?! - What are you talking about? - You know what screw you, Charlie! I'm not gonna let some worm beat me on Valentine's Day.
- Don't talk about - Why are you going on and on about it? I I did this for you, Charlie.
What? I gave myself Jerry on purpose.
Why would you do that? To slim down for you.
Why would you why would you slim down for me? What? Because I overheard you on the phone saying, "He got flabby.
" No, no, no, buddy.
I never said that.
I sa I-I-I said you were crabby because you smelled crabby 'cause you've been eating - all those sewer crabs, man, but.
.
- (Dennis stammers) - Take it outside.
- It was a compliment.
I love when you - smell like crab, Frank.
- (Dennis pounds on bar) Take the conversation someplace else.
- (door opens, closes) - Okay? Don't do it here.
You-you didn't think I was too fat? Well, no, you were fat as shit, pal, but I loved you that way, Frank.
- Fat and crabby.
- (door opens) FRANK: So, you want to try and get this dead worm out of me? CHARLIE: I would love to pull that dead worm out of you.
Yeah?! Come on.
Come on, now oh Stop, stop! Goddamn it, stop.
What are you guys doing? - Huh? - What are you talking about? - Getting the worm.
- You-you're gonna talk about pulling a dead worm out of his ass? Don't do that.
Please, don't talk about these things.
Now, by the grace of God, we somehow still have Dottie here so, please, don't scare her away.
Sorry, Dottie.
- Who's ready to die, bitches?! - DENNIS: Dee - FRANK: Whoa! - No.
What are you doing with the Valentine's box? - Put that down.
- All right, just think about what you're doing, Dee.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Okay, okay, fine.
Dee, just don't mention - I am busting out the anthrax.
- CHARLIE: No! - And I'm out.
- DENNIS: Dottie, no.
No, you don't have to go.
- Oh, goddamn it! - Charlie.
I'm getting a goddamn valentine right goddamn now, or so help me God I will end us all.
No, don't.
Give the bitch what she wants.
- I will - I'm so frustrated right now.
Okay, fine, Dee.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna sing you a song.
Okay? A Valentine's Day song? All right? Is that will that work? - Fine.
Sing a song.
- Okay.
Uh a Dee song.
- Nothing rhymes with Dee.
- Every! (whispering): Everything rhymes with Dee.
- I mean, literally, everything rhymes - Okay.
Okay, fine.
I'll-I'll think of things.
Okay, j-j-just relax.
Uh, uh Dee You're sweeter than a bee tle - Just say bee.
- Uh, bee.
Right? I didn't think of that.
Uh You're the honey that the bee makes You're the Sugar on the pound carrot What's a pound carrot? Go with pound cake.
Cake! Right, good.
Uh You make life sweet, Dee You make Life sweet for I A-and I Love you.
Thanks, Charlie.
(lightly chuckles) You can't rhyme very well, but (chuckles) That was that was really (laughing): really pathetic.
- What? - (laughing) (laughs) (laughing): I wrote a couple words on a construction paper, pink and red, and you sing a heart song for me?! (shouts) You made me do it! Yeah! And you said you loved me! - Ew! (Dee laughing) - You bitch! Look, that song was derivative of a song I wrote - for the waitress, anyway, then.
- Yeah, but guess what? Frank, grab that anthrax! - Grab it! Grab it! - (Dee screams) Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop! Stop! Stop.
What are you what are you guys doing?! All right, this is nuts! This is crazy! I mean, I-I-I can't believe we blew another opportunity to have a working bar.
To have a successful business together! Because you assholes get so worked up over Valentine's Day, the dumbest holiday that ever existed! But I thought you were trying to get us to focus on ourselves and focus on Valentine's Day.
What?! Are-are you insane?! I All I've been saying is to please focus on the bar! But you just couldn't do it! Dennis, I got to say, I feel like this is just about something else.
It's It's not about something else, it's - The bar is fine.
- Yup.
- This is something else is up.
- It's always fine, yeah.
CHARLIE: You know what it is? - This is 'cause you hate Valentine's Day.
- It's not because I hate Valentine's Day.
- It's because I-I just want - No, that's what it is.
- He's trying to distract us from Valentine's Day.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's it.
- I'm not trying to distract anybody from Valen - Yeah, you know why, though, you guys? - That's the thing, yeah.
It's because he doesn't have any feelings and we do.
Yeah, because we have feelings and you don't, and that's why you hate Valentine's Day.
Oh, stop! Goddamn it! I hate Valentine's Day because you assholes never got me anything! Okay, and I have feelings! Of course I have feelings! I have big feelings, okay?! A-and it hurts.
Okay, so so that's why I hate Valentine's Day, and that's why I put anthrax in the box.
That was you? Yes, it was me.
I just (sighs) I just wanted it to stop.
Okay? And it's powdered sugar, by the way.
- Oh, he's already eating it.
- I knew that.
(sighs) MAC: Dennis.
DENNIS: What?! I got the crate.
So what?! Open it.
I'm not gonna open a goddamn crate, Mac! There's nothing in it! Just open it.
You want me to open the crate? I'll open the goddamn crate.
If it'll get you to stop focusing on it and get you to stop focusing on this goddamn Valentine's Day bullshit.
I don't know why you're so excited about this goddamn thing.
There's never anything insi What is this? It's a gift.
I got it for you.
For me? Yeah.
You, uh You got this for me? I ordered it off the dark Web.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
Yeah.
And how did you, um (sniffs) How did you know that I wanted an RPG? 'Cause I know you, man.
Also, you casually mention RPGs, like, a weird amount.
- Is this true? - CHARLIE: Yeah.
- You were talking about rocket launchers today, - Yeah, you talk about them.
- I think, yeah.
- DEE: That was today.
This is, uh this is cool.
I still think Valentine's Day is a bullshit holiday, but, um (clears throat) this is nice.
(sighs) Want to shoot it? (quietly): Yes.
Where's the rocket? Yeah, that should be, uh shit, I there's no rocket.
- No rocket in there? - There's no rocket? Ah, there's no rocket! They forgot to put the rocket in there! Dude, I'm so sorry! Mac, I don't care.
I love it.
You figured out the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the entire world and you got it for me.
And it's perfect.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
Charlie, let's go get this worm out of my ass.
- Let's do it, man.
All right.
- Okay.