The Simpsons s12e08 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
[All Grunting.]
[Happy Squeal.]
[Man Laughing.]
Welcome back to Pigskin Preview! - Denver/Green Bay-Who do you like? - That's football, right? Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game 'cause the Packers will be blinded byJerry's tie.
[Chuckles.]
Tremendous.
I'm more worried about Al's jacket.
How many stations can you get on that thing? All right.
Listen.
I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe! You people can dress yourselves! [Clears Throat.]
Well, folks, he's got a point.
Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about- Lenny, are you watching this? - [Lenny.]
Yeah.
They really hurt that guy's feelings.
- I know! - Ready for the circus, Homer? - Circus? The Cirque de Purée.
We've had tickets since Septembre.
But I want to watch Brett Favre! Come on, Homer.
They're only in town for eight months.
- Then they're gone.
- [Men Laughing On TV.]
Oh! I missed one ofJerry's zingers.
Now I'll never catch up.
Mmm! Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder.
Oh, yeah.
That's way better than fun and excitement.
As French Canadians, they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.
Oh! I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon.
Enjoy the show.
For one day, we shall die.
- Ohh! - [People Applauding.]
Stop! Wait! Wait! Attendez! I cannot get the lid off my jar of rainbows! Who will help me? You, sir? [French Accent.]
But I cannot help you.
I am just a local merchant from, uh, this town.
Just smash it open! Oh, you can do it if your heart is pure- - or purée.
- [Audience Laughing.]
[All Gasping.]
- [Gasping.]
- [Audience Applauding.]
They always pick the guy with the wires.
[Audience Laughing, Applauding.]
[Marge.]
Oh, look at those exotic positions.
Watching those women is giving me ideas.
- ## [Humming.]
- [Sighs.]
[Lisa.]
They made an elephant! It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it? [Whimpering.]
[Wind Howling.]
[Sideshow Mel.]
A storm is coming! I feel it in my bone! Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies.
- We must run for our trucks! - [All Clamoring.]
Oh, no, you don't! I paid full price for this freak show! Now, nourish the child within me! - Nourish! - [Wind Howling.]
Un, deux, trois! [All Shouting.]
[Man On Radio.]
Well, sir, we've got ourselves a classic nor'easter meeting a classic sou'wester.
Overnight, expect rain turning to freezing rain turning to sleet turning to snow - and then melting in the summer.
- Snow? - Maybe they'll cancel school! - Look.
The sea captain's all hunkered down! Arr! Help.
I was tied here by teenage pirates.
[Wind Howling.]
[Man On Radio.]
The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield Elementary - [Gasps.]
- My Dear Watson Detective School.
Ohh! - And lastly, Springfield Elementary School - Yea! - Is open.
- Ohh! And it's open season on savings at Springfield Menswear, which is closed.
- Oh! Everyone's off but us.
- Oh, stop.
Your father and I don't get the day off.
Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! [Grunting.]
One snow angel coming up! [Giggles.]
Huh? Oh, why does that always happen? ## [Man Singing: Christmas.]
[All Shouting.]
Man.
Everyone has a snow day but us.
Oh! They look wonderful! Ah! Yeah! ## [Scatting.]
- [Grampa Chuckling.]
- Ah, yeah, Clancy.
Spell your name.
Uh, hey, Lou, could you shake out the last few drops for me? Yeah, no problem, Chief.
Seems like a waste of coffee, though.
[Skinner.]
Children, I'm proud of you.
Most of our students didn't bother to show up on this last day before Christmas break.
But you've kept intact my Cal Ripken-like streak of school "openage.
" - Hey, where are the teachers? - Eh, their union just called an emergency caucus.
Caucus, caucus, caucus Caucus, caucus, caucus But we'll have the last laugh on thoseJohnny-come-not-lies.
We're gonna watch my favorite movie about a Grinch-y little character - who tries to steal Christmas.
- [All Exclaiming.]
Ho, ho, ho.
What's that, Blitzen? Why, yes, it is Christmas Eve.
I'm happy.
[All Snarling.]
- Oh! - [Gasps.]
It's the Christmas hobgoblins! Ooh! [Cries Out.]
What the hell is this? [Chuckling.]
It's classic mirth-making, is what it is.
I will always be true - # Spend my days pitching woo to you # - [Sighs.]
Oh! He's been singing for two hours! This couldn't have less to do with Christmas.
And I think that's a stagehand.
And I love you too I am you and you are you Oh, you and me together you can see Ha-ha! Next time get a DVD! This is a DVD! [Grunting.]
Well, you won't get to see Santa's big sing-off but seeing as we're close to the usual dismissal time- - two, one- there it is.
- [Bell Ringing.]
Take off and have a frank and productive holiday.
- [All Cheering.]
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, dear God! - [Lisa Gasps.]
Principal Skinner! We're snowed in! - We're trapped in the school! - [All Screaming.]
- We're gonna miss Christmas! - [All Screaming.]
- I fixed the DVD.
- [All Screaming.]
[Kent Brockman.]
Roads closed.
Pipes frozen.
Albinos virtually invisible.
The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from winter wonderland to a class-three kill storm.
I don't like the sound of that "class-three.
" And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns - in a veritable orgasm of poor planning.
- [Horn Sounds.]
- He shoots! He scores! - [Chuckles.]
Perfect form, sir.
This is terrible! How will the kids get home? I don't know.
Internet? Children, it seems the phone lines are down so I'm afraid we're stuck here for the duration.
- [Children.]
Aww! - But it's my kid's birthday.
I'm doing a puzzle with Grandmama, and she'll finish without me.
Yes, yes, yes.
We all had plans.
Except for me, ironically.
I'm right where I want to be.
I can cut a trail through the snow.
I'm part Eskimo.
I don't care if you're Kristi Yamaguchi.
No one leaves the building.
This stinks.
We'll miss the Itchy and Scratchy where they finally kiss.
I don't care if they're kissing Kristi Yamaguchi.
You're not going home! - That's so unfair! - This blows.
Skinner's the real Grinch! - [Engine Starts.]
- I'm all for rescuing the kids but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof.
My car, your roof.
It's only fair.
- B- But it's my car.
- Well, yeah.
Hey, whatever happened to the plow from your old snowplow business? - I never had a snowplow business.
- Sure, you did.
"Mr.
Plow.
" You're wearing the jacket right now.
I think I know my own life, Ned.
Call Mr.
Plow That's my name That name again is Mr.
Plow I'm so hungry.
I want more.
You heard the principal.
Everyone gets one apple and a handful of relish! [Gags, Coughing.]
If you don't eat your relish, you're not getting any mayonnaise.
Screw this.
The rest of you can stay here like dorks, but I'm going home.
- [All Cheering.]
- Go, Nelson! - [Groans.]
- [All Gasping.]
Well, I hope you've all learned something from Nelson's "headstrongedness.
" - And from now on- - [Chanting.]
We want out! We want out! We want out! - We want out! - Yeesh! It's getting ugly out there.
Mmm.
Think, Skinner, think.
What would Superintendent Chalmers do? - Skinner! - Eh, that's no help.
Mmm.
Ah! My old footlocker.
[Chuckles.]
Back in 'Nam, I could command respect.
[Helicopter Blades Whirring.]
Sarge, let's make a break for it while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda.
Nope.
Too dangerous.
We're all gonna sit tight and reminisce about candy bars.
Uh, well, uh, one time, I'm eating a candy bar at the beach - and a girl starts taking off her bathing suit- - Get back to the candy bar! The hell with this.
I'm gettin' outta here! - No, you fool! - [Screaming.]
[Shouting.]
That elephant ate my entire platoon.
Well, I'm not gonna let it happen again! [All Chattering, Laughing.]
- [Door Closes.]
- Children, stand down! - Huh? - I said, stand down! [Confused Chattering.]
I'm not joking, people.
From now on there will be no talking out of turn or leaving this room.
- Willie? - Aye, sir! - This sucks! - Are you questioning my authority? Willie! [Groans.]
Ow! My vest.
Don't just stand there.
Fight back.
There aren't enough coat hooks to hold all of us! Actually there are.
Five, 10, 15, 20- Uh, can you two share a hook? - Yes, sir.
- We're fine then.
[Groans.]
- I think we hit something.
- I hope it's Flanders.
[Chuckling.]
I'm just kidding! Hey, you're all right.
- [Yawning.]
- [Snoring.]
Now, children, if you have to answer nature's call during the night - use this bucket next to Bart's head.
- Hey! All right.
Lights out.
- [Door Closes.]
- I'm tired of taking orders from G.
I.
Jerk! - I'm gonna tunnel out of here! - No, Bart.
For all we know, hundreds of rescue workers are digging us out right now.
[Sniffing, Growling.]
I feel like making love Making love to you - ## [Humming.]
- [Crashing.]
Catchy song, all right.
You really wrote it? Yeah.
As a tribute to Princess Di.
And Dodi.
Because these days, princesses- [Groaning.]
We're trapped! [Grunting.]
Mr.
Army Man? I can't sleep without my Reggie Rabbit.
- Is that some sort of plush novelty? - Yes, ma'am.
[Groans.]
Well, here's a scouring pad.
It's just as good.
It's cold and hurt-y.
[Yawns.]
Uh-What the- [Gasps.]
A tunnel! [Blows Whistle.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Bart's digging us out! - Not on my watch he's not! - Oh, no! I know it looks like the path to freedom.
But one collapse, and presto- you've got a snow casket.
- I was gonna put buttresses in.
- Gonna, wanna, shoulda.
Willie, destroy it.
[All Protesting.]
He did do a bonny job, sir.
Defying orders, eh? Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage too.
Okay, Skinner.
That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.
- I quit! - Fine.
I'll do the job myself.
[Grunting.]
Help! It's caving in! - Oh! - What's the problem, Seymour? Stuck? That's precisely the problem, and you know it.
- Now, get me out of here! - What's that? - You want the pee bucket on your head? - No! You're twisting my words! - [Bart.]
Come on! We're taking over the school! - [All Cheering.]
- [Bart.]
Come on! We're taking over the school! - [All Cheering.]
That's it! Cinch it up around the neck.
[Chokes.]
This is a gross misuse of school property.
- Where are the dodge balls? Ow! - [Children Cheering.]
Ow! Ohh! All right.
That's it.
I'm writing all your names on the detention list in my mind.
Silence, Seymour! We're in charge now.
Your reign of fussiness is over.
[Bart On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
The school is now under kid control.
You are hereby ordered to go nuts! Huh? - [Engine Revving.]
- Aw, stupid ice! I always knew I would die caked in something.
Well, better turn off that engine before those fumes put us in tombs.
Wait.
Let's just leave it on till we forget our troubles.
Mm, sounds like a plan.
[Guttural Groaning.]
I can't write this.
It's a grammatical nightmare.
- Mau! Didi mau! - I'm getting a cramp in my wrist! Oh, boo-hoo.
After all the times I've done it - my wrist sounds like a cement mixer.
- [Bones Cracking.]
[Grunting.]
- Ow! - Come on, Seymour.
- Mau! Didi mau! - Ow! I told you no one can climb a rope.
It's physically impossible.
What part of didi mau don't you understand? Nelson, put that globe down! Milhouse, stay out of my desk! Jimbo, that's my Princey Award! Quiet, Principal Spinner! Hey, I got Skinner's key card! We can finally see our permanent records! [Skinner.]
No! You can't go in there! [Cheering.]
"Underachiever and proud of it.
" How old is this thing? "Lisa is an outstanding student with a slight tendency toward know-it-all-ism"? [Gasps.]
That's not even a word! Then we'll get rid of the record permanently! [Both Gasp.]
Hey, look how much Skinner makes.
- Twenty-five thousand dollars a year! - [All.]
Wow! Let's see.
He's 40 years old, times 25 grand.
- Whoa! He's a millionaire! - Wow! I wasn't a principal when I was one! Plus, in the summer, he paints houses! - He's a billionaire! - Wow! If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother? [Children Laughing.]
Oh, they're just not responding to logic anymore.
[Sighs.]
I'll never win this alone.
There's only one guy who can help me now.
[Chittering.]
- Look! I'm throwing paper! - [Grunting.]
[Mumbling.]
[Chittering.]
You're my only hope, Nibbles.
Godspeed, Nibbles.
Godspeed.
- Aw, nuts.
- [Switch Clicks.]
There you are! Falcon to Eagle.
Have located bag of crap.
If you get me out of this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring.
- I spit on your monitors! - I know.
That's why the position's available.
[Both Snoring.]
- ## [Middle-Eastern.]
- Huh? Marvelous! Marvelous! Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing.
Bring me my ranch dressing hose! [Grunting.]
Homer? Homer! - Homer, wake up! The car's filling with- - I know.
Ranch dressing.
- [Chittering.]
- A hamster ball! [Gasps.]
Just like the one that saved Ezekiel! [Both Breathing Deeply.]
We're free! And we've got something to eat! - [Chittering.]
- [Gasps.]
- Whoo-hoo! - Now, let's go save those kids! You're the camel! Hey, this car's got cruise control.
School, please.
## [Humming.]
Homer, that's not how it- [Screaming.]
It's happening.
My horoscope was right! So long, Johnny Tremain.
Your Newberry Award won't save you now! Not Huck Finn! I spent hours crossing out the sass-back! - [Gasps.]
We're gonna crash! - Do you have air bags? No! The church opposes them for some reason! [Screaming.]
- What was that? - It sounded like a silo tipping over.
Look! The snow's melting! With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! [Groaning.]
- [All Cheering.]
- [Homer Gasping.]
- Dad! - [Groaning.]
[Gasps.]
You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.
Huh? - Skinner! - Oh! Superintendent Chalmers! What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell? Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh- There'd better be a good explanation for this.
- There is, sir.
- Ah! Then I'm happy.
[Horn Honking.]
Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at it's pretending things didn't happen.
And I think this is one of those.
- One of which? - Exactly.
No, seriously.
I wasn't listening.
- One of those situations where- - Gotcha! Come on, kids.
Let's leave this awful place and never come back.
- [Bang.]
- Boy, that salt really ate through the car.
- And the exhaust pipe is leaking.
- Wha- And furthermore- [Braying.]
Ignore her, Effendi.
We have each other.
- Oh, baby.
- Aah! [Homer.]
No use struggling, my beloved Shelamela.
Merry Christmas from the Simpsons! [Braying.]
[Braying Continues.]
- [People Chattering.]
- Shh!