Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e08 Episode Script
Stacey Dooley, Alex Jones, Rachel Parris, Henning Wehn
Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You? - the show that separates fact from fiction.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, one of Wales' premier TV personalities .
.
is about to introduce that woman who does The One Show.
It's Alex Jones! And a comedian and star of The Mash Report, who recently went viral.
I do hope that's cleared up.
It's Rachel Parris.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a German comedian Sorry, I meant THE German comedian, it's Henning Wehn.
Thank you.
And a hard-hitting documentary maker who's seen things that would shock you to your core.
Well, that's the risk you take when you're dressing room is next door to Lee's.
It's Stacey Dooley.
So, we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Alex, you're first tonight.
Oh, right.
On a recent trip to the zoo, my bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey.
Lee.
What zoo was it? London Zoo.
And which arm was it? The left was missing, right intact.
As you look at it or from the monkey's perspective? His left was missing.
OK.
And why was it missing, Al? I don't really know.
I mean, we were merely visitors in the zoo, Stace.
I didn't know the backstory of the monkey.
No, I expect that.
Who is "we"? Me and my husband and our little boy.
Your little boy, so you've gone for a family day out at the zoo.
Yep.
And aren't monkeys usually behind cages or behind glass? Well, they are, apart from when you get to the rainforest section.
And in the rainforest section, there are birds, there are monkeys, there are sloths.
It's a free-for-all.
Did the monkey have a name? Because often they name them, don't they? The monkey's, erm The monkey's name was Bandit.
Bandit? As in one-armed.
Oh, come on! What sort of monkey? It wasn't a chimp, was it? I'm not David Attenborough, I don't know! Excuse me, a chimpanzee, even though it looks like a monkey, isn't a monkey.
Well spotted.
I deliberately said that.
Even though a chimp is totally, in every meaningful way, obviously it's a monkey, it's not a monkey.
You know, it's a special place that's been made by biologists for pedants to reside, so that whenever anyone refers to a chimpanzee as a monkey, like you did then, a pedant like me says, "Oh, no, a chimpanzee isn't a monkey.
" And I've started to hate myself for that.
Nice of you to join the rest of us! What happened? I'm pushing the pram, said monkey travelled from a tree and landed on the pram.
My maternal instinct obviously kicks in, so I take Ted Cuddle the monkey.
I took Ted out of the pram and then the monkey got hold of the bag attached to the pram.
In he went, spreading monkey DNA over all of the contents.
What?! How big is the monkey? About that big? A bit smaller.
Are you sure it wasn't a squirrel? Is it like this? I think you'll find, Rob, it was like this.
You've not been listening, have you? I'm not paying attention.
What do you think, Lee, does it ring true? There's not a single element to that story that sounds believable.
You're the boss, but I think it's a massive lie.
It's got to be a lie, then.
You're saying it's a lie.
It's got to be a lie.
OK, Alex, was it the truth or was it a lie? It is, in fact true! Oh, my Lord! Yes, it's true! Alex's bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey, and look, we have a picture.
That is the monkey in the bag at the time.
That's terrifying! Henning, you're next.
As a kid, my parents denied me chocolate, so every Easter, I had to run around the garden and hunt the Easter onion.
The Easter onion? Yes.
David.
Where do you begin? Them were the days.
Why were you denied chocolate? It's not good for you, is it? And why did you hunt an onion? Why didn't you just say, "I don't give a damn where that onion is.
"It's not a treat.
"? You do what you're told to do, innit, as a kid? So you would look for the onion and you would find the onion and you would say? I'd say "Da ist die zwiebel.
" What? What? That is, in German, I said, "There is the onion.
" What would happen then? Then I would hold it aloft.
Like the World Cup? At what point in your family Easter celebrations would the onion hunt occur? Well, on Easter Sunday.
On Easter Sunday? In the morning on Easter Sunday? I would be out in the garden.
Before your parents were up, you were already out there? Henning, do you get on with your parents? Very well, yeah.
Are they nice? Yeah.
I mean, my father is dead, but he was he was a really jolly fella and my mother is all right, yeah.
I'm glad you didn't do the speech at the funeral! Once you'd tracked the onion down, Henning, would you tuck into it? Yeah, you have a bite.
Raw? Of course.
So you're very pleased, you held the onion aloft and then you took a bite out of it? Yeah.
I do feel like you're more enchanted by onions than we are.
Obviously they mean a lot to me because I knew, Easter Sunday, it was time to go in the garden and hunt the Easter onion.
What are you thinking, Rachel? I was half believing him until the biting into it.
They're quite solid, aren't they? It's like a tennis ball.
Yeah.
The thing is, I can bite into an onion because I wasn't allowed chocolate.
That means my teeth are good.
Fair enough.
Would your mother and your father, when he was alive, would they share the experience? He would occasionally bite an onion.
You would hold it aloft, they would say, "Vell done, little Henning "Look! Look what Henning has done! "He's holding it aloft! Quick, quick! Get the camera!" And thenwould they also tuck into the onion? It was Just thinking of that onion makes my eyes water.
What do you think? Is that truth? What do you think? Well, even though he started crying at the memory, I don't They're crocodile tears.
He does seem very moved, doesn't he? What do you think, Alex? I hope it's true, but I think it's It's not.
You think it's a lie? It's a lie? You're saying it's a lie? Henning, did the Easter Bunny .
.
bring an onion? Sadly, it's a lie.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Oliver.
So, Rachel, what is Oliver to you? This is Oliver.
He once came to my rescue when I jumped off a bridge by mistake.
Alex, how do you know Oliver? This is Oliver, and I once took a worm into the DIY store where Oliver works, and asked him to colour-match some paint to it.
Finally, David, what is your relationship with Oliver? This is Oliver, and we've become friends since he was cast as me in the German version of Peep Show.
Where do you want to begin, Lee? Let's start with Rachel.
Where were you, first of all? France.
And why did you accidentally jump off a bridge? Because, erm It was a sort of party in the countryside.
I mean, he looks French.
And I wandered away Hey, no facial expressions! Yeah, but if he has no facial expressions he'll look German - it'll give it away.
So, Rachel.
So, it was dark, it was night, and, erm, I jumped over a stone wall to go for a wee.
Classy.
And then it wasn't a wall, it was a bridge.
And it was a sudden drop? Of how far? Er Two metres? Two metres? A two-metre drop? Yeah.
I mean, I thought that was going to be more dramatic.
Two metres? I'm not very good with So, you'd have been all right.
Well, she clearly didn't die.
You didn't Did you actually do the jump or did he stop you before you jumped? No, I was in the river.
Oh, you did fall into the river? Yeah, yeah.
Two metres! I mean, what flashed through your mind when you were falling? "That was quick.
" "I'm fine.
" Two or three, I'm not very good with Do a different system.
I want you to imagine now that you've jumped and then tell us when you've fallen and I'll use my mathematics.
OK, ready? So, do the run and jump.
Aaaaargh! That's four metres.
Four or five metres, that.
I think it probably was.
That's the height of this ceiling, that.
That is unsurvivable.
So, what happened, then? So you land in a ditch and then Oliver comes, says, "Oh, mademoiselle" Is he French? No! But I'm enjoying it.
But I thought it's all happening in France? Yeah, we were in France.
They don't have to be French to be in France.
And that's the problem! I think a lot of the world's problems would be solved if everyone just stayed where they're from! So you've jumped over the wall, you land in the water, what happens then? So I was a bit hurt and then I started shouting.
What did you shout? Well, "help".
And then Oliver came with a couple of other friends from the party we were having and they lean over the bridge, and form a sort of human chain.
Oh, it's all getting a bit three stooges now, is it? Arms-around-ankles situation.
Oh, they're holding on to his ankles? Arms around ankles? Wow! So you had two people or three in the chain? Three, including me.
How did they pull you back up from the What are these? Chinese acrobats? Did you do a flip at the end? It worked.
Like, I got out and I've lived to tell the tale.
So, Alex, what was your lie again in regards to Oliver? So, I took a worm.
A worm? Yeah, a worm into a DIY store where Ollie works and said, "Can you make me some paint this colour?" The worm on its own? Or in a bit of furniture? Furniture? Not a woodworm.
I think she means an earthworm.
Like a garden worm.
What colour was it, Alex? Well, this is the thing, Stace.
Brown, traditional Yeah.
.
.
but if you look at the little belly of a worm it's got this lovely brick pink kind of hue to it.
I was going to say like your shirt but no, not like that.
I do not want my house in that colour! No.
I'm only joking.
I love the shirt.
I still don't understand the claim.
Right, so what she's saying is she took a worm from the garden.
Yeah.
An earthworm.
What do you call them in German? Worm.
OK.
So when she said "worm," why didn't you understand what she meant? Because that's exactly what she said.
Which room was it, Alex? It was the guest bedroom.
The guest bedroom.
Ah! Stop them staying too long.
Hey! But what's Oliver got to do with it? Ollie He works in the shop.
He works in the shop.
I'll tell you one more time.
He works in the shop, she took a worm, he colour-matched it, she went home, painted the guest bedroom.
Here's the question, though.
Why not photograph it? What? Why did you have to take the worm in? Because they put it on the slide, and then the machine will tell them which colours they need.
It was living, was it? No, dead.
Did you kill it or did you find it dead? Why are you asking awkward questions? So you painted your guest bedroom in earthworm pink? Do you not find, you know that horrible thing when birds smash into the windows? Was that not happening more and more? "Wow, look at the size of that one!" You say to Ollie, "Look, it's a bit odd but could you match this colour?" How did Ollie respond? He said, "You should see some of the things "people bring in wanting to be matched.
" Oh, good.
What did he tell you? Like what? Give us some examples.
That's all he said.
"You should see some of the things.
" But you didn't say, "Like what?" You weren't interested at all.
If someone said to me, "You should see some of the things that people bring in," and you went, "That's all right, I don't want to know.
" You would have said, "Tell me!" No! Lee, when I go to B&Q, I'm there to complete a task.
There is no dilly-dallying, we're in and out.
No, I've seen The One Show, you can pad things out.
I've done The One Show and you spent 15 minutes, and this is genuinely true, talking to me and Billy Ocean about elastic bands.
Well, I mean, we were thin on the ground for guests that week.
All right, now what about David? Just remind us of how you happen to really know Oliver.
Well, Oliver and I became friends when he was cast as me in the German version of Peep Show.
OK, so first of all, what is the German version of Peep Show called? It's called It's called Camera Heads.
Camera Heads? In German I think it's Kamerakopfen? Kupfen? It hasn't been on yet.
It hasn't been on yet? It hasn't been on yet.
But I feel like Peep Show's had its day, hasn't it? No, no! See, unlike Alex's put-down of Lee, that was unprovoked! No! David, I love you and I loved the Peep Show when it was on a long time ago.
But I mean, I feel like the German Peep Show would have been looking to cast it a long while back.
Well, what series are they on? They've filmed the first series and it's on soon.
Or perhaps never.
Maybe they hate it.
No, we give everything a go.
That would be a great title for a history of Germany.
They really do! And you say you've become friends? Yeah.
How has this friendship blossomed, David? Because I've known you for 11 or 12 years now and I would barely call you an acquaintance.
Thank you.
How come old Fritz here is suddenly your mate? Well you know, we just, you know, we clickedmore.
We met when some of the people making the German show came to meet the production team here.
You would think they'd export it to Germany before it's dead in the water.
That's the thing.
All right.
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Oliver Rachel's helpful hero, Alex's paint pal, or David's Deutsche double? Stacey, are you leaning towards anybody? For sure, I think he works at a homeware store and he helped Alex pick the paint.
Yeah, I think we can definitely rule out Rachel's story.
Yeah.
That didn't make no sense whatsoever.
I stick a fiver on Alex.
You put a fiver on Alex? Yes.
I'm with my brother, Henning.
And you're saying Alex as well.
A-ha.
It's Alex and the worm.
I think it's Rachel but I'm going to go with my team and say it's Alex.
Right, Oliver, will you please reveal your true identity? I'm Oliver, and I came to Rachel's rescue when she accidentally fell into the river.
Thank you very much, Oliver.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
And we start with It's Stacey.
I was once so cold, I shivered my skirt off.
David's team.
Where were you? Erm So, I was round my cousin's house and we were all outside, and, you know, we were all showing off.
Everyone was having a beer.
When was it, Stace? I was probably about 15, 16.
And anyway, so everyone was out, on good form, and then it just turned quite cold, you know.
That transition from day to night, it gets a bit chilly.
But I still had the summer get-up on, so What kind of skirt was it? It was like a miniskirt.
And did you get thinner during the night? I think actually a couple of lads had come to meet us on their bikes, and so we're talking.
MOCKING HER ACCENT: What sort of "bikes" were they? It's great when someone's so London they've got two syllables for bikes.
I'm actually Luton.
I mean we've got a German guy, a northern guy and two Welsh individuals here, and we've only picked up on my accent.
Didn't understand a word you said.
Yes, so we were all just talking.
And then I was talking to this lad and I really quite fancied him actually.
And then I was sort of shivering, and I shivered my miniskirt right off and I didn't even realise, and everyone was laughing.
Well, no, I You know, I've Are you about to say, "I've chatted to young fellas and dropped my skirt as well"? Where is this going, Alex? Because you bailed out of that as soon as you started.
"Oh, no, no, I'll tell you.
No, I won't actually.
I won't.
" I mean, I know with a sarong I've danced in just tights without realising it was on the floor.
So, it can happen.
So, this can happen? I've known it happen with a bath towel sort of What was going on under the skirt and what were you left with? Well, I had a big pair of knickers on.
Oh, great.
Like PE briefs.
When you say PE briefs Yeah.
You mean ones you would wear for PE, not ones that you've had an accident in? I did also wet myself in high school but that's a totally separate story.
Tell you what, if we ask you back - and it is an if .
.
save that story for then.
OK.
So you didn't notice? No.
So what alerted you to it? Everyone was laughing.
I was like the joke of the night.
Aw, it's heartbreaking, this story.
Yeah, I know.
It's a bit like the onion story.
What, in that it's not true? What do you think, David? She's painted a vivid picture.
I think, you know, the combination of What were you drinking, cider? Something like that.
Yeah.
Cold, fit boy I think the skirt will be the last thing you'd worry about and so what if it's round your ankles? No? That makes complete sense to me.
So you think it's true? Well, I'm going true.
I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
Well, it's plausible, so I'll say true.
Saying true.
Right, Stacey, truth or lie? It is in fact .
.
true! Wow, it's true.
Stacey did once shiver her skirt off.
Next It's Lee.
I once got my head stuck in a set of railings whilst trying to show my kids how I once got my head stuck .
.
in a set of railings.
David's team.
Yes, true, I think.
It's just true.
Where were the railings? Which time do you mean? The second time.
The re-enactment was at my house.
The railings at the front of my house.
And you said to your children, "Ah, these railings bring back memories"? Well, yeah.
That's how it started.
I said, "They look very similar to the railings I had as a child.
" I said, "Have I ever told you the story of the time I got my head stuck in the railings?" They said, "No, father, do tell.
" And I tried to paint the picture with words and, as you know, I'm not great at that.
So in the end I just got frustrated and said, "It's not that hard to follow! "Look I'll just show you, come here.
" And where did the original incident take place? The, the railings Shall we call it railings one? The '70s railings.
Yes.
The '70s railings happened in my hometown.
What happened? So you're stuck? Well, the first incident ended with the Fire Brigade being involved.
And where were the railings? They were in your hometown but where, specifically? Railings one, they were also at my house.
On the front garden of your house? Yes, yes.
We tried it in the upstairs bathroom but they didn't look right.
Railings one We were struggling to get out the bath, thinking, "Oh, these are" Railings one, the Fire Brigade was called.
Yes, correct.
And what did they do? They had to saw one of the railings.
What age were you for railings one? Nine.
So this is a very scary occurrence for a child of nine.
How did you react? Were there little tears? There was little tears, yeah.
"Oh, mother, my head is stuck in the railings," I said, vocally.
I'll never forget this, she came out with a glass of wine and cigarette and laughed for about 25 minutes.
And how were you extricated after railings two? That means how did they get you out of the railings? We tried all sorts of different systems.
The kids started off with Lurpak.
How far apart are the railings? About 40 years.
No! I mean railings two.
Well, about the size of his head, obviously! Well Otherwise he wouldn't be stuck, would he? They're about this far apart! Did you not think that your bonce was going to get stuck in there? I thought what would happen was I'd go in and it would be a tight squeeze to get them out but I'd still get out.
But I'd still have sort of proved my point, that it's tighter to get it out than it is to put it in.
So did the fire What happened next? So my head's in the railings.
They've tried butter.
Railings two.
Railings one, Fire Brigade, it's over.
It's finished.
They've sawed through one of the things, they bent it apart a bit, you got out, fine.
Well, there was more to it than that.
What more? Well, it's a long story.
My mum fell in love with one of them and left my father.
That's a whole different episode! Railings two, they tried butter.
Yes, they tried butter, they tried olive oil - I'm talking about the second incident, not my mum and the firemen.
Yep.
They tried What did they try? They tried olive oil, they tried butter, they tried soap.
They tried an array of lubricants I have in my house.
So at this point on either side of your head, there's quite a clot of slippy goos? Oh, I'm not going to pretend it was a nice image because it wasn't.
Especially given that my backside was facing the road.
And particularly it was stupid that I was only in my boxer shorts.
Well, because I thought, "This will take a second.
No-one passes by my house.
" It will only take a second so I'll take my trousers off first.
Did you get scared? I was apprehensive .
.
that someone would phone the Fire Brigade and an old wizened fireman would return and say, "You've done it again, haven't you?" How did you get out? What worked in the end? I'll tell you what worked in the end.
Brute force.
What are you saying? Truth or lie? I think lie.
I think go with your heart.
OK, lie.
David's team is saying it's a lie.
Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie? It's a lie.
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show and I can reveal that Lee's team have no points, and David's team have five.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, one of Wales' premier TV personalities .
.
is about to introduce that woman who does The One Show.
It's Alex Jones! And a comedian and star of The Mash Report, who recently went viral.
I do hope that's cleared up.
It's Rachel Parris.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a German comedian Sorry, I meant THE German comedian, it's Henning Wehn.
Thank you.
And a hard-hitting documentary maker who's seen things that would shock you to your core.
Well, that's the risk you take when you're dressing room is next door to Lee's.
It's Stacey Dooley.
So, we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Alex, you're first tonight.
Oh, right.
On a recent trip to the zoo, my bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey.
Lee.
What zoo was it? London Zoo.
And which arm was it? The left was missing, right intact.
As you look at it or from the monkey's perspective? His left was missing.
OK.
And why was it missing, Al? I don't really know.
I mean, we were merely visitors in the zoo, Stace.
I didn't know the backstory of the monkey.
No, I expect that.
Who is "we"? Me and my husband and our little boy.
Your little boy, so you've gone for a family day out at the zoo.
Yep.
And aren't monkeys usually behind cages or behind glass? Well, they are, apart from when you get to the rainforest section.
And in the rainforest section, there are birds, there are monkeys, there are sloths.
It's a free-for-all.
Did the monkey have a name? Because often they name them, don't they? The monkey's, erm The monkey's name was Bandit.
Bandit? As in one-armed.
Oh, come on! What sort of monkey? It wasn't a chimp, was it? I'm not David Attenborough, I don't know! Excuse me, a chimpanzee, even though it looks like a monkey, isn't a monkey.
Well spotted.
I deliberately said that.
Even though a chimp is totally, in every meaningful way, obviously it's a monkey, it's not a monkey.
You know, it's a special place that's been made by biologists for pedants to reside, so that whenever anyone refers to a chimpanzee as a monkey, like you did then, a pedant like me says, "Oh, no, a chimpanzee isn't a monkey.
" And I've started to hate myself for that.
Nice of you to join the rest of us! What happened? I'm pushing the pram, said monkey travelled from a tree and landed on the pram.
My maternal instinct obviously kicks in, so I take Ted Cuddle the monkey.
I took Ted out of the pram and then the monkey got hold of the bag attached to the pram.
In he went, spreading monkey DNA over all of the contents.
What?! How big is the monkey? About that big? A bit smaller.
Are you sure it wasn't a squirrel? Is it like this? I think you'll find, Rob, it was like this.
You've not been listening, have you? I'm not paying attention.
What do you think, Lee, does it ring true? There's not a single element to that story that sounds believable.
You're the boss, but I think it's a massive lie.
It's got to be a lie, then.
You're saying it's a lie.
It's got to be a lie.
OK, Alex, was it the truth or was it a lie? It is, in fact true! Oh, my Lord! Yes, it's true! Alex's bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey, and look, we have a picture.
That is the monkey in the bag at the time.
That's terrifying! Henning, you're next.
As a kid, my parents denied me chocolate, so every Easter, I had to run around the garden and hunt the Easter onion.
The Easter onion? Yes.
David.
Where do you begin? Them were the days.
Why were you denied chocolate? It's not good for you, is it? And why did you hunt an onion? Why didn't you just say, "I don't give a damn where that onion is.
"It's not a treat.
"? You do what you're told to do, innit, as a kid? So you would look for the onion and you would find the onion and you would say? I'd say "Da ist die zwiebel.
" What? What? That is, in German, I said, "There is the onion.
" What would happen then? Then I would hold it aloft.
Like the World Cup? At what point in your family Easter celebrations would the onion hunt occur? Well, on Easter Sunday.
On Easter Sunday? In the morning on Easter Sunday? I would be out in the garden.
Before your parents were up, you were already out there? Henning, do you get on with your parents? Very well, yeah.
Are they nice? Yeah.
I mean, my father is dead, but he was he was a really jolly fella and my mother is all right, yeah.
I'm glad you didn't do the speech at the funeral! Once you'd tracked the onion down, Henning, would you tuck into it? Yeah, you have a bite.
Raw? Of course.
So you're very pleased, you held the onion aloft and then you took a bite out of it? Yeah.
I do feel like you're more enchanted by onions than we are.
Obviously they mean a lot to me because I knew, Easter Sunday, it was time to go in the garden and hunt the Easter onion.
What are you thinking, Rachel? I was half believing him until the biting into it.
They're quite solid, aren't they? It's like a tennis ball.
Yeah.
The thing is, I can bite into an onion because I wasn't allowed chocolate.
That means my teeth are good.
Fair enough.
Would your mother and your father, when he was alive, would they share the experience? He would occasionally bite an onion.
You would hold it aloft, they would say, "Vell done, little Henning "Look! Look what Henning has done! "He's holding it aloft! Quick, quick! Get the camera!" And thenwould they also tuck into the onion? It was Just thinking of that onion makes my eyes water.
What do you think? Is that truth? What do you think? Well, even though he started crying at the memory, I don't They're crocodile tears.
He does seem very moved, doesn't he? What do you think, Alex? I hope it's true, but I think it's It's not.
You think it's a lie? It's a lie? You're saying it's a lie? Henning, did the Easter Bunny .
.
bring an onion? Sadly, it's a lie.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Oliver.
So, Rachel, what is Oliver to you? This is Oliver.
He once came to my rescue when I jumped off a bridge by mistake.
Alex, how do you know Oliver? This is Oliver, and I once took a worm into the DIY store where Oliver works, and asked him to colour-match some paint to it.
Finally, David, what is your relationship with Oliver? This is Oliver, and we've become friends since he was cast as me in the German version of Peep Show.
Where do you want to begin, Lee? Let's start with Rachel.
Where were you, first of all? France.
And why did you accidentally jump off a bridge? Because, erm It was a sort of party in the countryside.
I mean, he looks French.
And I wandered away Hey, no facial expressions! Yeah, but if he has no facial expressions he'll look German - it'll give it away.
So, Rachel.
So, it was dark, it was night, and, erm, I jumped over a stone wall to go for a wee.
Classy.
And then it wasn't a wall, it was a bridge.
And it was a sudden drop? Of how far? Er Two metres? Two metres? A two-metre drop? Yeah.
I mean, I thought that was going to be more dramatic.
Two metres? I'm not very good with So, you'd have been all right.
Well, she clearly didn't die.
You didn't Did you actually do the jump or did he stop you before you jumped? No, I was in the river.
Oh, you did fall into the river? Yeah, yeah.
Two metres! I mean, what flashed through your mind when you were falling? "That was quick.
" "I'm fine.
" Two or three, I'm not very good with Do a different system.
I want you to imagine now that you've jumped and then tell us when you've fallen and I'll use my mathematics.
OK, ready? So, do the run and jump.
Aaaaargh! That's four metres.
Four or five metres, that.
I think it probably was.
That's the height of this ceiling, that.
That is unsurvivable.
So, what happened, then? So you land in a ditch and then Oliver comes, says, "Oh, mademoiselle" Is he French? No! But I'm enjoying it.
But I thought it's all happening in France? Yeah, we were in France.
They don't have to be French to be in France.
And that's the problem! I think a lot of the world's problems would be solved if everyone just stayed where they're from! So you've jumped over the wall, you land in the water, what happens then? So I was a bit hurt and then I started shouting.
What did you shout? Well, "help".
And then Oliver came with a couple of other friends from the party we were having and they lean over the bridge, and form a sort of human chain.
Oh, it's all getting a bit three stooges now, is it? Arms-around-ankles situation.
Oh, they're holding on to his ankles? Arms around ankles? Wow! So you had two people or three in the chain? Three, including me.
How did they pull you back up from the What are these? Chinese acrobats? Did you do a flip at the end? It worked.
Like, I got out and I've lived to tell the tale.
So, Alex, what was your lie again in regards to Oliver? So, I took a worm.
A worm? Yeah, a worm into a DIY store where Ollie works and said, "Can you make me some paint this colour?" The worm on its own? Or in a bit of furniture? Furniture? Not a woodworm.
I think she means an earthworm.
Like a garden worm.
What colour was it, Alex? Well, this is the thing, Stace.
Brown, traditional Yeah.
.
.
but if you look at the little belly of a worm it's got this lovely brick pink kind of hue to it.
I was going to say like your shirt but no, not like that.
I do not want my house in that colour! No.
I'm only joking.
I love the shirt.
I still don't understand the claim.
Right, so what she's saying is she took a worm from the garden.
Yeah.
An earthworm.
What do you call them in German? Worm.
OK.
So when she said "worm," why didn't you understand what she meant? Because that's exactly what she said.
Which room was it, Alex? It was the guest bedroom.
The guest bedroom.
Ah! Stop them staying too long.
Hey! But what's Oliver got to do with it? Ollie He works in the shop.
He works in the shop.
I'll tell you one more time.
He works in the shop, she took a worm, he colour-matched it, she went home, painted the guest bedroom.
Here's the question, though.
Why not photograph it? What? Why did you have to take the worm in? Because they put it on the slide, and then the machine will tell them which colours they need.
It was living, was it? No, dead.
Did you kill it or did you find it dead? Why are you asking awkward questions? So you painted your guest bedroom in earthworm pink? Do you not find, you know that horrible thing when birds smash into the windows? Was that not happening more and more? "Wow, look at the size of that one!" You say to Ollie, "Look, it's a bit odd but could you match this colour?" How did Ollie respond? He said, "You should see some of the things "people bring in wanting to be matched.
" Oh, good.
What did he tell you? Like what? Give us some examples.
That's all he said.
"You should see some of the things.
" But you didn't say, "Like what?" You weren't interested at all.
If someone said to me, "You should see some of the things that people bring in," and you went, "That's all right, I don't want to know.
" You would have said, "Tell me!" No! Lee, when I go to B&Q, I'm there to complete a task.
There is no dilly-dallying, we're in and out.
No, I've seen The One Show, you can pad things out.
I've done The One Show and you spent 15 minutes, and this is genuinely true, talking to me and Billy Ocean about elastic bands.
Well, I mean, we were thin on the ground for guests that week.
All right, now what about David? Just remind us of how you happen to really know Oliver.
Well, Oliver and I became friends when he was cast as me in the German version of Peep Show.
OK, so first of all, what is the German version of Peep Show called? It's called It's called Camera Heads.
Camera Heads? In German I think it's Kamerakopfen? Kupfen? It hasn't been on yet.
It hasn't been on yet? It hasn't been on yet.
But I feel like Peep Show's had its day, hasn't it? No, no! See, unlike Alex's put-down of Lee, that was unprovoked! No! David, I love you and I loved the Peep Show when it was on a long time ago.
But I mean, I feel like the German Peep Show would have been looking to cast it a long while back.
Well, what series are they on? They've filmed the first series and it's on soon.
Or perhaps never.
Maybe they hate it.
No, we give everything a go.
That would be a great title for a history of Germany.
They really do! And you say you've become friends? Yeah.
How has this friendship blossomed, David? Because I've known you for 11 or 12 years now and I would barely call you an acquaintance.
Thank you.
How come old Fritz here is suddenly your mate? Well you know, we just, you know, we clickedmore.
We met when some of the people making the German show came to meet the production team here.
You would think they'd export it to Germany before it's dead in the water.
That's the thing.
All right.
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Oliver Rachel's helpful hero, Alex's paint pal, or David's Deutsche double? Stacey, are you leaning towards anybody? For sure, I think he works at a homeware store and he helped Alex pick the paint.
Yeah, I think we can definitely rule out Rachel's story.
Yeah.
That didn't make no sense whatsoever.
I stick a fiver on Alex.
You put a fiver on Alex? Yes.
I'm with my brother, Henning.
And you're saying Alex as well.
A-ha.
It's Alex and the worm.
I think it's Rachel but I'm going to go with my team and say it's Alex.
Right, Oliver, will you please reveal your true identity? I'm Oliver, and I came to Rachel's rescue when she accidentally fell into the river.
Thank you very much, Oliver.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
And we start with It's Stacey.
I was once so cold, I shivered my skirt off.
David's team.
Where were you? Erm So, I was round my cousin's house and we were all outside, and, you know, we were all showing off.
Everyone was having a beer.
When was it, Stace? I was probably about 15, 16.
And anyway, so everyone was out, on good form, and then it just turned quite cold, you know.
That transition from day to night, it gets a bit chilly.
But I still had the summer get-up on, so What kind of skirt was it? It was like a miniskirt.
And did you get thinner during the night? I think actually a couple of lads had come to meet us on their bikes, and so we're talking.
MOCKING HER ACCENT: What sort of "bikes" were they? It's great when someone's so London they've got two syllables for bikes.
I'm actually Luton.
I mean we've got a German guy, a northern guy and two Welsh individuals here, and we've only picked up on my accent.
Didn't understand a word you said.
Yes, so we were all just talking.
And then I was talking to this lad and I really quite fancied him actually.
And then I was sort of shivering, and I shivered my miniskirt right off and I didn't even realise, and everyone was laughing.
Well, no, I You know, I've Are you about to say, "I've chatted to young fellas and dropped my skirt as well"? Where is this going, Alex? Because you bailed out of that as soon as you started.
"Oh, no, no, I'll tell you.
No, I won't actually.
I won't.
" I mean, I know with a sarong I've danced in just tights without realising it was on the floor.
So, it can happen.
So, this can happen? I've known it happen with a bath towel sort of What was going on under the skirt and what were you left with? Well, I had a big pair of knickers on.
Oh, great.
Like PE briefs.
When you say PE briefs Yeah.
You mean ones you would wear for PE, not ones that you've had an accident in? I did also wet myself in high school but that's a totally separate story.
Tell you what, if we ask you back - and it is an if .
.
save that story for then.
OK.
So you didn't notice? No.
So what alerted you to it? Everyone was laughing.
I was like the joke of the night.
Aw, it's heartbreaking, this story.
Yeah, I know.
It's a bit like the onion story.
What, in that it's not true? What do you think, David? She's painted a vivid picture.
I think, you know, the combination of What were you drinking, cider? Something like that.
Yeah.
Cold, fit boy I think the skirt will be the last thing you'd worry about and so what if it's round your ankles? No? That makes complete sense to me.
So you think it's true? Well, I'm going true.
I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
Well, it's plausible, so I'll say true.
Saying true.
Right, Stacey, truth or lie? It is in fact .
.
true! Wow, it's true.
Stacey did once shiver her skirt off.
Next It's Lee.
I once got my head stuck in a set of railings whilst trying to show my kids how I once got my head stuck .
.
in a set of railings.
David's team.
Yes, true, I think.
It's just true.
Where were the railings? Which time do you mean? The second time.
The re-enactment was at my house.
The railings at the front of my house.
And you said to your children, "Ah, these railings bring back memories"? Well, yeah.
That's how it started.
I said, "They look very similar to the railings I had as a child.
" I said, "Have I ever told you the story of the time I got my head stuck in the railings?" They said, "No, father, do tell.
" And I tried to paint the picture with words and, as you know, I'm not great at that.
So in the end I just got frustrated and said, "It's not that hard to follow! "Look I'll just show you, come here.
" And where did the original incident take place? The, the railings Shall we call it railings one? The '70s railings.
Yes.
The '70s railings happened in my hometown.
What happened? So you're stuck? Well, the first incident ended with the Fire Brigade being involved.
And where were the railings? They were in your hometown but where, specifically? Railings one, they were also at my house.
On the front garden of your house? Yes, yes.
We tried it in the upstairs bathroom but they didn't look right.
Railings one We were struggling to get out the bath, thinking, "Oh, these are" Railings one, the Fire Brigade was called.
Yes, correct.
And what did they do? They had to saw one of the railings.
What age were you for railings one? Nine.
So this is a very scary occurrence for a child of nine.
How did you react? Were there little tears? There was little tears, yeah.
"Oh, mother, my head is stuck in the railings," I said, vocally.
I'll never forget this, she came out with a glass of wine and cigarette and laughed for about 25 minutes.
And how were you extricated after railings two? That means how did they get you out of the railings? We tried all sorts of different systems.
The kids started off with Lurpak.
How far apart are the railings? About 40 years.
No! I mean railings two.
Well, about the size of his head, obviously! Well Otherwise he wouldn't be stuck, would he? They're about this far apart! Did you not think that your bonce was going to get stuck in there? I thought what would happen was I'd go in and it would be a tight squeeze to get them out but I'd still get out.
But I'd still have sort of proved my point, that it's tighter to get it out than it is to put it in.
So did the fire What happened next? So my head's in the railings.
They've tried butter.
Railings two.
Railings one, Fire Brigade, it's over.
It's finished.
They've sawed through one of the things, they bent it apart a bit, you got out, fine.
Well, there was more to it than that.
What more? Well, it's a long story.
My mum fell in love with one of them and left my father.
That's a whole different episode! Railings two, they tried butter.
Yes, they tried butter, they tried olive oil - I'm talking about the second incident, not my mum and the firemen.
Yep.
They tried What did they try? They tried olive oil, they tried butter, they tried soap.
They tried an array of lubricants I have in my house.
So at this point on either side of your head, there's quite a clot of slippy goos? Oh, I'm not going to pretend it was a nice image because it wasn't.
Especially given that my backside was facing the road.
And particularly it was stupid that I was only in my boxer shorts.
Well, because I thought, "This will take a second.
No-one passes by my house.
" It will only take a second so I'll take my trousers off first.
Did you get scared? I was apprehensive .
.
that someone would phone the Fire Brigade and an old wizened fireman would return and say, "You've done it again, haven't you?" How did you get out? What worked in the end? I'll tell you what worked in the end.
Brute force.
What are you saying? Truth or lie? I think lie.
I think go with your heart.
OK, lie.
David's team is saying it's a lie.
Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie? It's a lie.
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show and I can reveal that Lee's team have no points, and David's team have five.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.