It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s12e09 Episode Script

1 - - Stop! Thief! Come back here! - (growling) - (screaming) Come back here! (grunting) What the hell? Shit.
You're nothing but a street rat! I may be a street rat, but I still got your bread, bitch.
(chuckles) (groaning) Excuse me, excuse me, are you, um Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the suck boy you're looking for.
You want my time, you got to pay to spray.
That's my motto.
That and you cannot finish inside me.
No, no, no, Matt.
It's me.
Dad? It's time to come home, son.
You want me to come work for you? Well, I want you to learn the business.
I'm not getting any younger.
It's time for me to pass the torch.
- Oh, shit.
- What? - You're dying.
- What? I-I figured.
You look like hell.
Hey, has anyone claimed your organs? (scoffs) I'm not dying, you idiot.
I'm retiring.
Oh.
My bad.
I had to ask.
It's a seller's market right now.
Look what you've become.
Do you want to live this way, son? Covered in manure, selling your body, smoking PCP or whatever it is you smoke.
Oh, come on.
Do I look like a dusthead to you? You certainly don't look like my son.
Matthew Mara.
You remember him? Come on.
Give the job a shot, for Christ's sake.
I'll think about it.
I got to pop in here first.
You don't have to go into a dive bar right now.
I'm just gonna clean myself up.
Have a little faith.
My friends have a very nice setup for me to take a shower in here.
In fact, I'm the type of gal who makes men's lives better.
Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower in that leaky urinal again? (clicks tongue) Well, that don't count that.
That's not a good example.
(whistling) Ah! (laughs) Eh.
While I'm here, I might as well do a little P to the C to the P.
(humming) (chuckles) Take me to the angels, baby.
(sighs) DAD: It's time to come home, son.
Maybe it's time to make a change.
All right, uh, this is the loading dock where we, uh, ship our supplies from.
And right here this is you.
- Whoa! - What are you doing? This is nice.
I'm gonna sleep well tonight.
No, no.
You're not gonna sleep there.
Come on.
Get out.
Get out of the damn box.
You're gonna sleep at home in a bed.
- Oh.
Eh, too exposed.
- Yeah.
No.
I-I'll sleep in, uh, maybe the crawlspace - or a cupboard.
- MAN: This is bullshit.
Hey, hey, hey, Davy, Davy.
- Calm down, Davy.
- He's a homeless junkie, Dad.
I don't even understand why we're doing this.
- He's just gonna burn you again.
- All right.
- When did I ever burn Dad? - You stole his identity.
- Eight times! - Well, at least I didn't wet the bed till I was in high school.
Shut your mouth about that.
- Whatever, Davy Diapers.
- I will kill you.
- Try it.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! Take it back! You want another noogie? All right, all right, boys.
- (grunting) - Boys! Stop it! His scalp came off on my fingers.
Goddamn it.
Now look here, guys.
We have an important meeting coming up.
It's our biggest account.
And I'm gonna tell them that my boys are taking over the business.
Both of them.
You guys need to get your shit together.
Got it? Huh? - Yes, sir.
- Yes.
Yes.
All right.
I got my eye on you, loser.
And you stink like piss, by the way.
It's freakin' bullcrap.
WOMAN: What a jerk.
Huh? Oh.
Yeah.
He's always been a hard-on.
He's the one who stinks, by the way.
His shoes smell like rotten eggs.
You smell his shoes? Yeah.
He kicks at me if he catches me sleeping at work.
Calls me a bitch, that kind of thing.
Yeah.
He treats me like shit, too.
Sorry.
I didn't get your name.
Oh.
I'm Belle.
Thus the necklace my mother gave me that I'm currently guilt-wearing.
(laughs) Belle.
That's a nice name.
I'm Cricket, uh, Matthew.
It's nice to meet you, Matthew.
Hey, date! Um, I'm sorry.
What? Shit.
Sorry.
Um, haven't done this in a long time.
Uh would you like to go on a date with me some time? Yeah.
Yeah, I I'd like that.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Bye.
Okay.
Hey, boss? - You go by Cricket? - I do.
Phone's for you.
Line two.
Oh, really? (whistling a tune) - Mm.
Hello.
- CHARLIE: Cricket! - Oh.
Cricket.
- (speaking gibberish) Damn it! How the hell did you guys find me? A magician never reveals his tricks, Cricks.
Yeah.
We did put that pet-tracking device in him.
Well, wait.
Don't tell him that.
Wait.
You did what? Wait.
Did you put a chip in? Did you put a chip in me?! Nothing, Cricket.
Hey, listen, um, we got a job for you, buddy.
Oh, do you? Well, uh, I'm not doing it.
- Well, you don't even know what it is.
- Hey! Yeah.
Come on, man.
- You don't know what the job is, Cricket.
- You don't know the job.
Doesn't matter.
I know it probably involves hurting me, degrading me or generally treating me like shit.
- You're not totally wrong.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Cricket, uh, we'll give you five bucks, huh? - Yeah, five dollars, Cricket.
The answer is no.
All right.
Fine.
Three dollars.
Well, you don't go down in negotiation.
- You go up.
- With Cricket, you do.
(indistinct, overlapping dialogue) Well, now it's $2.
50, Crick, so you want the job or not? - You know, ticktock.
- Uh, look, guys, um, I got a new life, so I don't need anything from you.
- Ugh.
Come on.
Hey.
- Well, Cricket, - everybody needs a little extra cash.
- Yeah.
It's money, Cricket! Well, uh, actually, that is true, because I I do have a date.
- Oh.
Cricket.
Cricket.
- Ah.
Well, don't make up a story.
I mean, yeah, we don't care what you're doing with the money.
Hey, dipshit! We're not paying you to talk on the phone.
Speaking of, I need some cash.
When do we get paid? Paychecks come at the end of the month.
Who you talking to, huh? Your drug dealer? Your skeezy little arrogant douche bag friends down at the bar? - Those guys are my friends! - Whatever! I am so onto you.
And I bet you're gonna be high by the end of the night.
(inhaling) Ooh! Freakin' bullcrap! He's getting yelled at.
Well, don't piss off your trick there, Cricket.
He might - cut you up.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, just finish the guy off, and then come do the job for us.
- Yeah.
- All right, what's it gonna be? We need a decision, Cricket.
Mm Are we ready to party tonight? (whooping and cheering) - So am I! - (women gasping and groaning) Got 'em, everybody got 'em.
- Dad? - Oh! Janie? - Oh! - (audience gasping and groaning) Let's just have a good time and get drunk, huh? Stuff it down with some brown.
- Stuff it down with brown.
- (overlapping chatter) - Can always stuff it down.
- Hey, good job, fellas.
I loved how you ruined that dad.
Ah.
I got to say, it's kind of fun being on the other end of it sometimes, huh? (laughs) Okay, time to pay the piper.
Who's got the money? - Yes.
- Oh, uh, Frank.
Lemons.
What? No.
N-No, okay? No, you're not paying me in lemons again.
Okay? Hey, we had an agreement.
You want to get paid in PCP, Cricket? 'Cause you're just - gonna spend it on drugs anyway, right? - Oh, yeah, skip the middleman.
- Yeah.
- Uh, yeah.
You want some dust? No.
Okay, normally, okay? But now I'm off drugs, and I actually have a date, so I need the money, I really need the money.
Look, Cricket, I'm sure whatever street mongrel you're dating she's into lemons, too, so you're good.
Goddamn it.
Goddamn you, you are the worst person ever.
And by the way, my name is not Cricket, okay? My name is Matthew Mara.
I'm a person.
A person, by the way, who has a job now.
Yeah.
I am going to be running a company soon.
- Cricks, I love you, but this is so boring.
- You're losing me.
Goddamn it! All right, you know what? Screw you guys.
- CHARLIE: Hey, Cricket? Cricket? Cricket! - DEE: Come on.
Cricket, Cricket, calm down, man.
Hey, look.
What? - You want the lemons or not? - Unbelievable.
- Yes, I'm gonna take the lemons.
Goddamn it.
- All right, yeah.
- You guys are the worst.
- He wants the lemons.
- He needs the lemons.
- The guy loves lemons.
MAC: He needs the lemons for the scurvy.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah.
- FRANK: He'll be back.
After everything I've done, you know? After everything they've done to me.
(bell tinkles) Belle? What are you doing here? Promise I'm not stalking you.
I'm just out for a walk.
My dad'll be so worried about me, but I just had to get out of the house.
- Ah.
- Ever since my mom died, I'm kind of all he's got, so he's become a little overbearing.
Yeah, I get that.
I got an overbearing dad, too.
- Yeah.
- My life's the worst.
(groaning) Um.
Ah.
(laughs) You're so funny.
Okay.
- And cute.
- Oh, son of a bitch.
Did someone put you up to this? - No.
Why? - Look, I am not funny, and I'm sure as shit not cute.
Nobody put me up to this, okay? I like you.
I do, and I feel like we have more in common than you think.
(laughs) Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Go behind some Dumpster and bang? I was kind of talking about that date.
Oh.
I'm into that.
(guttural groaning) (Tchaikovsky's "Waltz of the Flowers" playing) There they are! (chuckles) Davy, Pops.
(whoops) I met the most amazing girl.
I'm in love.
I'm in love! And I owe it all to you, Dad, for giving me a second chance.
Thank you.
Now, let's go in this meeting and show this guy that he is making the right choice investing in the Mara brothers! You missed it, asshole.
Huh? You missed it.
The meeting.
We lost the account.
Dad, I told you we couldn't trust him.
Goddamn it, Matt.
This was your chance.
Shit.
Okay.
Um, I'll talk to the guy.
I will make this right, okay? He's probably down by his car right now.
Carl Lewis couldn't catch him! I can.
Mr.
Sanderson! Mr.
Sanderson! (panting) Matthew Mara.
Did you just do a flip off that truck? Yes, sir.
That is how dedicated I am to keeping your business.
Now, look, I know you have your reservations, but I'm asking you give us a second chance.
I'm not giving you a second chance.
I made my decision.
It's final.
Okay.
Well, guess I'm gonna have to cut your heart out then.
What did you just say? I said I guess I'm gonna have to cut your heart out of your body.
You see, uh, I'm from the streets.
And I'm about to poke you full of holes.
He'll do it! What? Well, th-that's great! What changed your mind, Tom? Uh, your son here made a compelling argument.
What? Oh.
Well, see, he's my boy.
We will not let you down, - Mr.
Sanderson.
- Uh, D-Davy, - don't push.
Uh, - Yes, sir.
Tom, let's discuss this.
Hey.
What? Maybe I misjudged you.
Maybe you're not just some homeless junkie.
Maybe you're my brother.
Sorry I said that about Carl Lewis.
(tinkling) - Belle.
- Heard me comin', I guess.
I think I just saved the company.
(chuckles) Wow.
That's great news for you.
And probably bad news for me.
I'm running away.
I got to see the world.
I was wondering if you might want to come away with me.
I-I can't.
I mean, this is my life now.
Yeah.
I understand.
Well, I should go.
Hey, um could you just help me with my necklace? I can never seem to get it off.
Sure.
- Here.
- No, I I want you to keep it.
Something to remember me by.
Well, good-bye, Matthew.
Well, here's something to remember me by.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what are you doing?! - DAVY: What the hell are you doing? - I'm making out - with the woman I love.
- What the hell are you talking about? That's Dad's dog.
You're making out with my dog! Dog? Oh, shit! Oh, no.
Maybe it's time to make a change.
Nah, I'm gonna smoke it.
- I'm Cricket.
- BELLE: I'm Belle.
- That's a nice name.
- BELLE (echoing): His shoes - smell like rotten eggs.
- Lemons.
- Screw you guys! - You smell his shoes? Beauty and the Beauty And the beast Huh.
DAVY: He's gone.
Way to go, Rickety Cricket.
So, you did exactly what I thought you'd do, you goddamn street rat! - Matt, Matt, goddamn it.
- (door closes) I gave you a shot.
You can't go around doing insane shit like kissing dogs.
You got to put all that nonsense behind you once and for all.
Now, this is my last and final offer.
You cut that bullshit out and come work with me, or you go back on the street and crawl back into that manure pile I found you in.
So, which is it? Huh? (door opens) - Hey-o! - Oh, Cricket! - Cricket! - Hey, hey! Hey, you guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP? - Smoke up, bud.
- Yeah, absolutely, dude.
- Do what you got to do, man.
- You do you, bud.
You do you! We don't judge, Cricket, we don't judge.
- Have fun, buddy.
- Go, Cricket.
(trio chanting backwards)