Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e09 Episode Script
The Unseen Bits
Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You? Joining Lee Mack tonight Bob Mortimer, Emma Bunton, Jon Richardson, Debbie McGee, Rory Reid, Jo Brand, Daisy May Cooper and Henning Wehn.
And joining David Mitchell tonight Alex Jones, Olivia Colman, Aston Merrygold, Diane Morgan, Lucy Porter, Dion Dublin and Shaun Williamson.
We begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction and Jon is first up.
At home, if I need to remember to do something, I will put my slippers on the wrong feet and won't swap them back until I've done it.
David's team.
- I think that's true.
- Yeah.
Yes, I think we can go straight to an answer.
So, Jon, was it the truth? Wa-a-ait a minute! So, you put your slippers on the wrong feet to remind you - that you've got something to do? - Yes.
As in, like a knot in the handkerchief? Yes, I stopped carrying a handkerchief around the house in, sort of, the mid-19th century.
Yeah.
I still carry a handkerchief.
I won't get it out, because of course, it's encrusted with snot.
Hi, girls! Do you not just use your phone? Put an alarm on or something like that? Ooh, spot the generation gap here, look I quite often set an alarm on my phone.
I've got an alarm set on my phone now to remind me to put the bins out later.
Yeah, but that's kind of different to what Aston's doing.
Yours is, sort of, an early onset tactic, isn't it, really? I love the way you leant forward, so happy then, as well.
"I set an alarm on my phone!" Let's go back to Mr Cool with his shoes on the wrong feet.
What sort of thing would you use it to remind yourself to do? Well, we have moved house recently, so I very often find Oh, to remind yourself not go back to the old house? I'll be unpacking something and I'll think, "Oh, I'll put that picture up.
" And I'll go up to get a hammer, from the, erm .
.
hammer room.
And then, on the way up, I'll see something else that needs doing and I think, "Oh, I'll put that washing away.
" And then, by the time I've put the washing away, I've forgotten about the picture.
Paint a picture for the viewers who are wondering what sort of slippers you wear.
They're a, sort of, blue, they're a sort of corduroy slipper.
David, you would like.
They're almost, sort of, they look the same.
Sometimes I put them on the wrong way by accident and I think, "What have I got to do?" And I think, "Oh, no, I've just put them on the wrong foot.
" What are you thinking, David's team? - What do you think? - I would say it's true.
- Yeah.
- I think it's a good system.
- It's so plausible, isn't it? I am going to adopt this.
I am thinking of swapping my shoes now to make sure I don't forget about the bins later.
So, Jon, truth or lie? It is a lie.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE Diane, you're next.
Possession.
Right.
There's a box underneath your desk, Diane.
Could you open the lid? Read the card out first and then take out the item.
Every time I lose a tooth, I put it in a pot.
This is that pot.
Right.
Lee's team.
Now, I'm confused, because my children are watching this.
Why didn't the tooth fairy take them? Well, they did some.
Because, if you was to put that under your pillow, you'd get about 700 quid.
Are there teeth in there now? Yes.
So, why did you decide to start just collecting them? Something to do, innit? So, can I come and get it? - You can go and get it if you want to, yes.
- All right.
Have you lost weight? You look great! That was rehearsed.
Well done.
AUDIENCE LAUGH - Thank you.
Can I take the lid? - Yeah.
I feel like a very grumpy fairy.
There's a quid under your pillow, love.
Oh, my God! Oh, wow! - Wow.
- That's huge! - That's a big one.
- That's like a big cat's tooth.
- More like a fang.
- This one's quite decayed.
- Yeah.
They're not healthy-looking teeth.
- She's from Bolton.
- Oh Can you talk us through them, Diane? Do you remember which one comes from where? Erm, well, they all came from my mouth.
I appreciate that, but in which parts of the mouth? Can you explain this one? Because that is just That's like a dinosaur tooth! It's very long and sharp.
Well, you know that it's not just the top of your teeth that you can see.
They go down into your gums.
Oh, yeah, I went to school.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What scares me is, if this isn't true, whose teeth are these?! If I find out the producer of this show has pulled out his children's teeth for the sake of this show, I will genuinely say, "Well done, mate.
" You can probably buy children's teeth online.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What do you think, Rory? Is she telling the truth? I think she has to be telling the truth, because she doesn't strike me as a person warped and deranged enough to collect other people's teeth.
No, I don't think No, no, no.
I think I'd better explain how this show works.
If she's not telling the truth, it means that this is as new to her as it is to us.
It doesn't mean, "I'm lying because they're not my teeth.
" All right, it's true.
It's true.
- I hope it's true.
- OK, true.
- You're saying it's true? - Yeah.
- OK.
Diane.
Truth or lie? It's actually .
.
true.
Argh! Why would you do that?! I don't know.
Bob, you're next.
My first taste of fame was when the local newspaper dubbed me the Cockroach King.
David's team.
What was the newspaper? My local.
It was called the South London Press.
So, are you from South London? I was in the lead up to the headline .
.
the Cockroach King.
Why were you in the public eye? Doing what? - I was a solicitor at the time - Mm-hm.
.
.
and I sued the local authority .
.
because of cockroach infestations in the council houses.
Yes! Yes! AUDIENCE CLAP AND APPLAUD That's what I did.
And, of course, it was that kind of style in court that won the day.
We settled outside of court, actually.
But the I have to change the names.
Because these are real legal proceedings that we're talking about.
Why does the fact that it's real legal proceedings mean that you have to change the names? Because I don't think it's fair to say that, let's say she's called Barbara Lighthouse, lived in the horror of cockroach infestation.
Were you representing Barbara Lighthouse? - I was, yes.
- She had engaged your services? She had engaged my services.
I visited her property.
It must have been ages to get to the top.
There were Egyptian cockroaches.
So, I had an idea, right? I said, "I bet this is bad for your mental health, "living with cockroaches.
" And I, erm, took them to the Magistrates' Court on a private criminal prosecution under the Public Health Act.
- Why're you counting every letter in the sentence? - Because Are you working out how much to charge her? - You mentioned Egyptian cockroaches.
- The Egyptian cockroach, yeah.
I wasn't aware that there were different types.
They live in the concrete and they can actually live off the concrete that the buildings are made of.
- They can eat concrete? - Yep.
Bob They've got some ha-a-ard cockroaches.
They live in the concrete? They nip out to go behind the fridge or the cooker, or to turn the lights out.
What were the size of these Egyptian cockroaches? They're long and thin, slip right in.
That's my profile on Tinder! The phrase Cockroach King would suggest a champion - of the cockroaches, other than an opponent.
- Or, in fact, their leader.
Did you lead the cockroaches away, like the Pied Piper? No, I didn't.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What happened was, is I got an expert from the University of Cambridge called Broccoli Highkicks.
Again, I've changed his name.
His brief from me was, "Can you in any way argue that this is contrary to public health?" He confirmed it, went to court It's all coming every so clear, now We went to court, yeah? Ronnie Omelettes was the housing officer.
You haven't changed his name, have you? And what was she called? Barbara Lighthouse.
Barbara Lighthouse brought a clear jar of the cockroaches with her and poured them over Ronnie Omelettes.
Right? Of course, he was very frightened, didn't know what to do, at which point Barbara Lighthouse said, "I think I've made my point.
" You know, to the housing officer.
"This is what I live with.
" So, the Council agreed to rehouse.
Next day, the Cockroach King.
Right, what you going to say, David? It's that bizarre that only Bob could make it up, so I think that's true.
That doesn't make sense.
So, you're saying So, you're saying, only Bob could make it up, then he could have made it up? Only Bob can make it up like that.
- Right.
- So convincing.
So, we're in trouble, aren't we? Because, what you're saying, if anyone else had said it, it would definitely be true, because they couldn't have invented it.
The one person who's saying it is also coincidentally the only - human who could also have invented it.
- Yes.
What a terrible set of circumstances.
- You think it's true? - I think it's true.
- Do you think it's true? - Yes, let's say it's true.
We're going to go true.
OK.
Now, Bob, truth or lie? I was telling .
.
the truth.
Emma.
You're next.
OK.
When I was Baby Spice I mainly just ate babyfood.
David's team.
- So, you only ate babyfood? - Yeah.
So, I moved in with the girls, we lived together.
And we didn't have very much money.
So, I used to eat babyfood.
What were the other girls eating at this stage? Beans on toast, erm, corned beef and rice.
Corned beef and rice? - Who was eating that? - Who do you think? - I'd go for Mel B.
- Yep.
Nowt wrong with that! Just eat it.
It would never occur to me to eat babyfood.
How did you discover that? It was either my nephew or a cousin, a baby, and I must've just tasted it.
You were stealing babyfood off a child? I still do it now with my own kids.
What were your stools like? I don't know I don't think that question's ever been asked on before this show.
- I'm not going to answer that! - Well, because, because - You don't have to answer that, Emma.
- Thank you.
- Please.
Because having been an active father with nappy changing, I know the effect that that stuff has on your system.
I think there's a trajectory.
What you're talking about is, when a baby goes from just having milk to having the first babyfood, there is a marked change in the nature of the stools.
Basically, it turns into normal excrement, which is not very nice, from being extremely, you know The most pleasant of the excrements, is the excrement of a baby before it is weaned.
Not saying it's an actively nice substance, but of all the excrement, it's definitely my favourite.
AUDIENCE HOWL WITH LAUGHTER THEY APPLAUD Can I just say, David, on behalf of the team, thank you for getting us past Sean's awkward moment.
If you like, I'll rank all of the excrements.
So, I would prefer horse to dog.
Who wouldn't? No-one puts dog on the roses.
Tell you what, why don't you relax for a little while? So, what are you going to say? I think it's a lie.
- What do you think? - I think it's false.
- We're going to go lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Right.
Emma.
Truth or lie? Erm, unfortunately, - it's true.
- Oh! David.
You're next.
I can walk from my house to the corner shop on only one gulp of air.
And regularly do so, just for fun.
Lee's team.
How far's the corner shop from your house, David? Four miles.
No, it's, erm .
.
I mean, it'sit's yards.
When do you take the gulp? Earlier that day.
Is it before the moat or after the moat? It's as I clear the drawbridge.
Yeah.
- As the drawbridge has landed and you've stepped off the drawbridge.
- Absolutely.
Approximately how many houses are there from you and the corner shop? To the corner shop? I think, 25.
But these are just estate workers cottages.
I pass them very, very quickly.
Why did you go to the shop and think, I'll take a gulp of air and hold your breath till you get there? It started on a day where I had had a problem with serial hiccups.
One way of getting rid of hiccups is to hold your breath, but I was also going to the shop and I was trying to hold my breath as long as possible.
And is it not an awkward moment? When one of your neighbours passes you and says, "Morning, David!" And you go, "Morning" Yes and on occasion I have given up on the holding the breath in order to greet someone and seem like a normal human.
Why don't you demonstrate it for us? - You want me to walk back and forth across the set holding my breath? - Yes.
And that, in your view, would achieve something? I won't be able to talk you through it, - of course, because I will be holding my breath.
- We will observe you.
Which is one of the many reasons why this is such an ill-fated idea.
Shall we be your wife and child? Well, they're back at home.
Yeah, you can.
Or you could be a grandfather clock and a piano.
You're not part of this.
OK.
So, you're saying goodbye to Lucy, your lovely wife, and your boy who's shot up, Dion.
All right, off you go.
You're heading to the corner shop.
Farewell, beloved family.
For I must go to the shop.
- See you, Dad.
- Yeah.
All right.
You get to the front gate.
HOLDS BREATH Morning, David! Why'd you never talk to me? I'm stuck here with the baby and you're parading round the street! Your flies are undone! Are they? Debbie said my flies are undone and I just exhaled and went, "Are they?" So, you know, the experiment is completely ruined.
I'll check my flies.
So, what are you going to say, Lee? I don't believe in the shop.
What? I'm imagining that David lives in the countryside somewhere.
No, I've been to David's house.
It's a ghetto.
The thing he's missing out is, when he gets to the shop, all his crew are hanging around outside.
"Ah, doing your graffiti again, can I play?" - I don't think it's true.
- I don't think so.
- Well, I'll go with my team and say that's not true.
You're going to say it's a lie.
David, truth or lie? Well, it is .
.
a lie.
Henning, you're next.
I I once presented a woman at work with what I now realise was a deeply inappropriate gift.
What was the gift? Dustpan and brush.
And what was the context in which you gave her a dustpan and brush? It was her birthday.
- And - Oh, no.
And where were you working? That was the company I was working for before I left for Britain.
And what do they do? Essentially they tried to bundle the demand of golf clubs.
Tried to what? Bundle.
So, they wanted So, not golf club as in a stick, but a golf club as in the whole thing with 18 holes and facilities.
And they did what to them? Tried to bundle it.
You know! It's a company that tried to bundle 18-hole golf courses.
You know, when you run a golf club, you have got certain needs.
You need balls for the driving range and you need flags for the holes and whatnot and obviously, the manufacturers, they overcharge you, but if all the clubs come together and buy What the hell are you talking about? What they are doing! I'm only speaking behalf the nation! I think I'm getting there.
This is a company that organised separate golf clubs to act as a consortium in order to buy golfing equipment more inexpensively.
That is exactly, concisely the business plan.
Exactly right.
And what was your role? Er Chief bundler.
Trying to recruit new members to the consortium.
I went round to golf clubs for a jolly and then said, "How about "You need a flag?" It sounds ever so slightly like asort of a mob protection racket.
It sounds like you turned up and go, "What a shame "if something were to happen to this flag.
"Oops! It's snapped.
" Was it particularly difficult selling the bunkers? Genuine question.
Genuinegenuine interest.
And why did you think that a dustpan and brush would be an appropriate present to start with? Because we were, er, the day before she was saying how much cleaning she had to do at home and then I was in a supermarket and then I saw"Oh, yeah, look at that, that would be a nice present.
" Henning, could you re-enact the face of the gift recipient when she opened the present? - Do you want me to be you and you be the gift recipient? - Yeah.
Give me.
- I'll do my best you.
- Yeah.
FAUX GERMAN ACCENT: Hello.
Hello.
I have seen you trying to sell the flags in the clubs like me.
You're doing such a great job.
We are bringing together so many of the different golf clubs in Germany.
We should get the Nobel Peace Prize.
But, instead, I got you this.
Oh, thank you very much.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE Alex, when you're there on The One Show, do you exchange gifts? Do you and Matt Baker, do you It's me, Matt Baker! Do you, erm Matt has bought me a variety of gifts over the years.
Last year .
.
a cup and saucer.
It's one of those you put in a posh cupboard in your kitchen.
There's only one, ever, and it's in that one.
It's nice, I always think, in your house, to put a few things aside for people to pack away when you're dead.
I've got a few things in my house.
You put them there, you sort of think, yeah, I won't be .
.
I won't be touching that again, but one day, when I'm dead, someone will have to deal with that.
All right, well, David, what do you think? I think we'll all die one day.
Is it the truth? - It's true.
- I think it is true.
Well, I think wewe think it's true.
That it's true? Yeah.
OK.
Henning, was it true or was it a lie? Of course it's true.
Jo, you're next.
I was once favourite to win an athletics events.
AUDIENCE LAUGH But ended up coming last after an incident in a toilet cubicle.
David's team.
Well, OK, what was the athletics event? It was a javelin.
The javelin.
And when were you entered into a javelin competition? When I was at school.
How old were you? I was abo-o-out 16.
And you were the favourite? I was.
Why? AUDIENCE LAUGH Because I could chuck it a long way.
- How far, roughly? - Probably For God's sake, make it less than 110m, which is the world record.
Give yourself a fighting chance.
111m.
No, I would say about 20 or 30m.
Were you also good at running fast? Ha-ha-ha.
I don't think that was a joke! - To be fair, I think that was a genuine question.
- Oh, sorry.
- To get the momentum to throw it.
- OK.
I did actually, for a short time, hold the 100m record for our school.
That was because I was having a fag behind the bike sheds and I heard the dinner bell.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What's the incident in the toilet that handicapped your performance? I was preparing for sports day in the afternoon, so I went in the toilet to have a fag, and, erm .
.
I had a box of matches and I struck one to light my fag with, didn't blow it out properly, put it back in the box the box exploded in my javelin throwing hand.
Oh.
So, this is a story about a serious burn.
Yeah.
So, I had to throw the javelin at sports day with my left hand.
Jonnie, what do you think? How does this strike you? I think it could be true.
- And you think it's - True.
- OK, true.
- You are saying it is true.
Er, Jo, truth or lie? It is .
.
true.
Lucy, you're next.
I once continued with a first date even though I'd been sick in my handbag.
Lee's team.
When was this? Er, last week.
No, it wasn't.
It was, erm I was about, I'd say, 22.
21, And why had you been sick in the handbag? I got very drunk.
We'd gone to an art gallery.
It was like a private fancy one and he'd said He was a bit older and posher, and he said, "Let's go to this art gallery.
" How much older and how much posher? How much married? AUDIENCE LAUGH He was very He was terribly, terribly He didn't have a chin and, er, he was Now, did he literally not have a chin? Because no wonder you vomited into your handbag! I'd got really drunk and then .
.
he said, "Oh, I'll take you home.
" We were on the bus.
The man who's a lot posher than you took you home on the bus? Well, I'd normally have had to walk, so it was an upgrade.
- How big was your handbag? - It was It was a, sort of, novelty, leopardskin, fur bag that I'd bought from a, sort of, student marketplace.
What, into the fur bag? - Was he starting to go - SNIFFS - "You sure that's dead?" Oh, no, he didn't notice at all.
- How were you sick? You must have been sat next to him.
- Yeah.
I think he was looking out the window or something.
Were you going home? Or you going Where were you going? - He said, "I'll walk you home.
" - Yeah.
And I walked and I was aware that there were was dripping.
Oh, God.
But he didn't seem to notice.
Well, he was older, maybe he was leaking, too? - So, he walked you back to your house.
- Yes.
I think he wanted to come in and I said, "No ".
.
I've just been sick.
" - Oh, you told him, then? - Yeah.
And then nothing happened and I never saw him again.
Presumably your keys - Oh, my word, did you have to reach in? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't that have been great? "Would you like to come in for a coffee?" "OK!" They get to the front door "Actually, I've actually got to go home.
" Do you know? I don't think men's standards are that high, are they? All right.
What are you thinking? - Debbie.
- I haven't quite got there yet.
Because, if you're sick in your handbag, over all your stuff, it is going to seep out a lot.
She said it was dripping out.
- It would be leaving a trail.
- And smelly.
At least he can find his way back to the bus stop.
Follow the yellow sick road.
So, what are you going to say? True.
- Bob thinks it's true.
- True.
- I'm going to go with my team and say true.
- And say it's true! Lucy.
Truth or lie? It is Yeah! I'm afraid that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You?.
Thank you for watching.
Good night.
And joining David Mitchell tonight Alex Jones, Olivia Colman, Aston Merrygold, Diane Morgan, Lucy Porter, Dion Dublin and Shaun Williamson.
We begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction and Jon is first up.
At home, if I need to remember to do something, I will put my slippers on the wrong feet and won't swap them back until I've done it.
David's team.
- I think that's true.
- Yeah.
Yes, I think we can go straight to an answer.
So, Jon, was it the truth? Wa-a-ait a minute! So, you put your slippers on the wrong feet to remind you - that you've got something to do? - Yes.
As in, like a knot in the handkerchief? Yes, I stopped carrying a handkerchief around the house in, sort of, the mid-19th century.
Yeah.
I still carry a handkerchief.
I won't get it out, because of course, it's encrusted with snot.
Hi, girls! Do you not just use your phone? Put an alarm on or something like that? Ooh, spot the generation gap here, look I quite often set an alarm on my phone.
I've got an alarm set on my phone now to remind me to put the bins out later.
Yeah, but that's kind of different to what Aston's doing.
Yours is, sort of, an early onset tactic, isn't it, really? I love the way you leant forward, so happy then, as well.
"I set an alarm on my phone!" Let's go back to Mr Cool with his shoes on the wrong feet.
What sort of thing would you use it to remind yourself to do? Well, we have moved house recently, so I very often find Oh, to remind yourself not go back to the old house? I'll be unpacking something and I'll think, "Oh, I'll put that picture up.
" And I'll go up to get a hammer, from the, erm .
.
hammer room.
And then, on the way up, I'll see something else that needs doing and I think, "Oh, I'll put that washing away.
" And then, by the time I've put the washing away, I've forgotten about the picture.
Paint a picture for the viewers who are wondering what sort of slippers you wear.
They're a, sort of, blue, they're a sort of corduroy slipper.
David, you would like.
They're almost, sort of, they look the same.
Sometimes I put them on the wrong way by accident and I think, "What have I got to do?" And I think, "Oh, no, I've just put them on the wrong foot.
" What are you thinking, David's team? - What do you think? - I would say it's true.
- Yeah.
- I think it's a good system.
- It's so plausible, isn't it? I am going to adopt this.
I am thinking of swapping my shoes now to make sure I don't forget about the bins later.
So, Jon, truth or lie? It is a lie.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE Diane, you're next.
Possession.
Right.
There's a box underneath your desk, Diane.
Could you open the lid? Read the card out first and then take out the item.
Every time I lose a tooth, I put it in a pot.
This is that pot.
Right.
Lee's team.
Now, I'm confused, because my children are watching this.
Why didn't the tooth fairy take them? Well, they did some.
Because, if you was to put that under your pillow, you'd get about 700 quid.
Are there teeth in there now? Yes.
So, why did you decide to start just collecting them? Something to do, innit? So, can I come and get it? - You can go and get it if you want to, yes.
- All right.
Have you lost weight? You look great! That was rehearsed.
Well done.
AUDIENCE LAUGH - Thank you.
Can I take the lid? - Yeah.
I feel like a very grumpy fairy.
There's a quid under your pillow, love.
Oh, my God! Oh, wow! - Wow.
- That's huge! - That's a big one.
- That's like a big cat's tooth.
- More like a fang.
- This one's quite decayed.
- Yeah.
They're not healthy-looking teeth.
- She's from Bolton.
- Oh Can you talk us through them, Diane? Do you remember which one comes from where? Erm, well, they all came from my mouth.
I appreciate that, but in which parts of the mouth? Can you explain this one? Because that is just That's like a dinosaur tooth! It's very long and sharp.
Well, you know that it's not just the top of your teeth that you can see.
They go down into your gums.
Oh, yeah, I went to school.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What scares me is, if this isn't true, whose teeth are these?! If I find out the producer of this show has pulled out his children's teeth for the sake of this show, I will genuinely say, "Well done, mate.
" You can probably buy children's teeth online.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What do you think, Rory? Is she telling the truth? I think she has to be telling the truth, because she doesn't strike me as a person warped and deranged enough to collect other people's teeth.
No, I don't think No, no, no.
I think I'd better explain how this show works.
If she's not telling the truth, it means that this is as new to her as it is to us.
It doesn't mean, "I'm lying because they're not my teeth.
" All right, it's true.
It's true.
- I hope it's true.
- OK, true.
- You're saying it's true? - Yeah.
- OK.
Diane.
Truth or lie? It's actually .
.
true.
Argh! Why would you do that?! I don't know.
Bob, you're next.
My first taste of fame was when the local newspaper dubbed me the Cockroach King.
David's team.
What was the newspaper? My local.
It was called the South London Press.
So, are you from South London? I was in the lead up to the headline .
.
the Cockroach King.
Why were you in the public eye? Doing what? - I was a solicitor at the time - Mm-hm.
.
.
and I sued the local authority .
.
because of cockroach infestations in the council houses.
Yes! Yes! AUDIENCE CLAP AND APPLAUD That's what I did.
And, of course, it was that kind of style in court that won the day.
We settled outside of court, actually.
But the I have to change the names.
Because these are real legal proceedings that we're talking about.
Why does the fact that it's real legal proceedings mean that you have to change the names? Because I don't think it's fair to say that, let's say she's called Barbara Lighthouse, lived in the horror of cockroach infestation.
Were you representing Barbara Lighthouse? - I was, yes.
- She had engaged your services? She had engaged my services.
I visited her property.
It must have been ages to get to the top.
There were Egyptian cockroaches.
So, I had an idea, right? I said, "I bet this is bad for your mental health, "living with cockroaches.
" And I, erm, took them to the Magistrates' Court on a private criminal prosecution under the Public Health Act.
- Why're you counting every letter in the sentence? - Because Are you working out how much to charge her? - You mentioned Egyptian cockroaches.
- The Egyptian cockroach, yeah.
I wasn't aware that there were different types.
They live in the concrete and they can actually live off the concrete that the buildings are made of.
- They can eat concrete? - Yep.
Bob They've got some ha-a-ard cockroaches.
They live in the concrete? They nip out to go behind the fridge or the cooker, or to turn the lights out.
What were the size of these Egyptian cockroaches? They're long and thin, slip right in.
That's my profile on Tinder! The phrase Cockroach King would suggest a champion - of the cockroaches, other than an opponent.
- Or, in fact, their leader.
Did you lead the cockroaches away, like the Pied Piper? No, I didn't.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What happened was, is I got an expert from the University of Cambridge called Broccoli Highkicks.
Again, I've changed his name.
His brief from me was, "Can you in any way argue that this is contrary to public health?" He confirmed it, went to court It's all coming every so clear, now We went to court, yeah? Ronnie Omelettes was the housing officer.
You haven't changed his name, have you? And what was she called? Barbara Lighthouse.
Barbara Lighthouse brought a clear jar of the cockroaches with her and poured them over Ronnie Omelettes.
Right? Of course, he was very frightened, didn't know what to do, at which point Barbara Lighthouse said, "I think I've made my point.
" You know, to the housing officer.
"This is what I live with.
" So, the Council agreed to rehouse.
Next day, the Cockroach King.
Right, what you going to say, David? It's that bizarre that only Bob could make it up, so I think that's true.
That doesn't make sense.
So, you're saying So, you're saying, only Bob could make it up, then he could have made it up? Only Bob can make it up like that.
- Right.
- So convincing.
So, we're in trouble, aren't we? Because, what you're saying, if anyone else had said it, it would definitely be true, because they couldn't have invented it.
The one person who's saying it is also coincidentally the only - human who could also have invented it.
- Yes.
What a terrible set of circumstances.
- You think it's true? - I think it's true.
- Do you think it's true? - Yes, let's say it's true.
We're going to go true.
OK.
Now, Bob, truth or lie? I was telling .
.
the truth.
Emma.
You're next.
OK.
When I was Baby Spice I mainly just ate babyfood.
David's team.
- So, you only ate babyfood? - Yeah.
So, I moved in with the girls, we lived together.
And we didn't have very much money.
So, I used to eat babyfood.
What were the other girls eating at this stage? Beans on toast, erm, corned beef and rice.
Corned beef and rice? - Who was eating that? - Who do you think? - I'd go for Mel B.
- Yep.
Nowt wrong with that! Just eat it.
It would never occur to me to eat babyfood.
How did you discover that? It was either my nephew or a cousin, a baby, and I must've just tasted it.
You were stealing babyfood off a child? I still do it now with my own kids.
What were your stools like? I don't know I don't think that question's ever been asked on before this show.
- I'm not going to answer that! - Well, because, because - You don't have to answer that, Emma.
- Thank you.
- Please.
Because having been an active father with nappy changing, I know the effect that that stuff has on your system.
I think there's a trajectory.
What you're talking about is, when a baby goes from just having milk to having the first babyfood, there is a marked change in the nature of the stools.
Basically, it turns into normal excrement, which is not very nice, from being extremely, you know The most pleasant of the excrements, is the excrement of a baby before it is weaned.
Not saying it's an actively nice substance, but of all the excrement, it's definitely my favourite.
AUDIENCE HOWL WITH LAUGHTER THEY APPLAUD Can I just say, David, on behalf of the team, thank you for getting us past Sean's awkward moment.
If you like, I'll rank all of the excrements.
So, I would prefer horse to dog.
Who wouldn't? No-one puts dog on the roses.
Tell you what, why don't you relax for a little while? So, what are you going to say? I think it's a lie.
- What do you think? - I think it's false.
- We're going to go lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Right.
Emma.
Truth or lie? Erm, unfortunately, - it's true.
- Oh! David.
You're next.
I can walk from my house to the corner shop on only one gulp of air.
And regularly do so, just for fun.
Lee's team.
How far's the corner shop from your house, David? Four miles.
No, it's, erm .
.
I mean, it'sit's yards.
When do you take the gulp? Earlier that day.
Is it before the moat or after the moat? It's as I clear the drawbridge.
Yeah.
- As the drawbridge has landed and you've stepped off the drawbridge.
- Absolutely.
Approximately how many houses are there from you and the corner shop? To the corner shop? I think, 25.
But these are just estate workers cottages.
I pass them very, very quickly.
Why did you go to the shop and think, I'll take a gulp of air and hold your breath till you get there? It started on a day where I had had a problem with serial hiccups.
One way of getting rid of hiccups is to hold your breath, but I was also going to the shop and I was trying to hold my breath as long as possible.
And is it not an awkward moment? When one of your neighbours passes you and says, "Morning, David!" And you go, "Morning" Yes and on occasion I have given up on the holding the breath in order to greet someone and seem like a normal human.
Why don't you demonstrate it for us? - You want me to walk back and forth across the set holding my breath? - Yes.
And that, in your view, would achieve something? I won't be able to talk you through it, - of course, because I will be holding my breath.
- We will observe you.
Which is one of the many reasons why this is such an ill-fated idea.
Shall we be your wife and child? Well, they're back at home.
Yeah, you can.
Or you could be a grandfather clock and a piano.
You're not part of this.
OK.
So, you're saying goodbye to Lucy, your lovely wife, and your boy who's shot up, Dion.
All right, off you go.
You're heading to the corner shop.
Farewell, beloved family.
For I must go to the shop.
- See you, Dad.
- Yeah.
All right.
You get to the front gate.
HOLDS BREATH Morning, David! Why'd you never talk to me? I'm stuck here with the baby and you're parading round the street! Your flies are undone! Are they? Debbie said my flies are undone and I just exhaled and went, "Are they?" So, you know, the experiment is completely ruined.
I'll check my flies.
So, what are you going to say, Lee? I don't believe in the shop.
What? I'm imagining that David lives in the countryside somewhere.
No, I've been to David's house.
It's a ghetto.
The thing he's missing out is, when he gets to the shop, all his crew are hanging around outside.
"Ah, doing your graffiti again, can I play?" - I don't think it's true.
- I don't think so.
- Well, I'll go with my team and say that's not true.
You're going to say it's a lie.
David, truth or lie? Well, it is .
.
a lie.
Henning, you're next.
I I once presented a woman at work with what I now realise was a deeply inappropriate gift.
What was the gift? Dustpan and brush.
And what was the context in which you gave her a dustpan and brush? It was her birthday.
- And - Oh, no.
And where were you working? That was the company I was working for before I left for Britain.
And what do they do? Essentially they tried to bundle the demand of golf clubs.
Tried to what? Bundle.
So, they wanted So, not golf club as in a stick, but a golf club as in the whole thing with 18 holes and facilities.
And they did what to them? Tried to bundle it.
You know! It's a company that tried to bundle 18-hole golf courses.
You know, when you run a golf club, you have got certain needs.
You need balls for the driving range and you need flags for the holes and whatnot and obviously, the manufacturers, they overcharge you, but if all the clubs come together and buy What the hell are you talking about? What they are doing! I'm only speaking behalf the nation! I think I'm getting there.
This is a company that organised separate golf clubs to act as a consortium in order to buy golfing equipment more inexpensively.
That is exactly, concisely the business plan.
Exactly right.
And what was your role? Er Chief bundler.
Trying to recruit new members to the consortium.
I went round to golf clubs for a jolly and then said, "How about "You need a flag?" It sounds ever so slightly like asort of a mob protection racket.
It sounds like you turned up and go, "What a shame "if something were to happen to this flag.
"Oops! It's snapped.
" Was it particularly difficult selling the bunkers? Genuine question.
Genuinegenuine interest.
And why did you think that a dustpan and brush would be an appropriate present to start with? Because we were, er, the day before she was saying how much cleaning she had to do at home and then I was in a supermarket and then I saw"Oh, yeah, look at that, that would be a nice present.
" Henning, could you re-enact the face of the gift recipient when she opened the present? - Do you want me to be you and you be the gift recipient? - Yeah.
Give me.
- I'll do my best you.
- Yeah.
FAUX GERMAN ACCENT: Hello.
Hello.
I have seen you trying to sell the flags in the clubs like me.
You're doing such a great job.
We are bringing together so many of the different golf clubs in Germany.
We should get the Nobel Peace Prize.
But, instead, I got you this.
Oh, thank you very much.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE Alex, when you're there on The One Show, do you exchange gifts? Do you and Matt Baker, do you It's me, Matt Baker! Do you, erm Matt has bought me a variety of gifts over the years.
Last year .
.
a cup and saucer.
It's one of those you put in a posh cupboard in your kitchen.
There's only one, ever, and it's in that one.
It's nice, I always think, in your house, to put a few things aside for people to pack away when you're dead.
I've got a few things in my house.
You put them there, you sort of think, yeah, I won't be .
.
I won't be touching that again, but one day, when I'm dead, someone will have to deal with that.
All right, well, David, what do you think? I think we'll all die one day.
Is it the truth? - It's true.
- I think it is true.
Well, I think wewe think it's true.
That it's true? Yeah.
OK.
Henning, was it true or was it a lie? Of course it's true.
Jo, you're next.
I was once favourite to win an athletics events.
AUDIENCE LAUGH But ended up coming last after an incident in a toilet cubicle.
David's team.
Well, OK, what was the athletics event? It was a javelin.
The javelin.
And when were you entered into a javelin competition? When I was at school.
How old were you? I was abo-o-out 16.
And you were the favourite? I was.
Why? AUDIENCE LAUGH Because I could chuck it a long way.
- How far, roughly? - Probably For God's sake, make it less than 110m, which is the world record.
Give yourself a fighting chance.
111m.
No, I would say about 20 or 30m.
Were you also good at running fast? Ha-ha-ha.
I don't think that was a joke! - To be fair, I think that was a genuine question.
- Oh, sorry.
- To get the momentum to throw it.
- OK.
I did actually, for a short time, hold the 100m record for our school.
That was because I was having a fag behind the bike sheds and I heard the dinner bell.
AUDIENCE LAUGH What's the incident in the toilet that handicapped your performance? I was preparing for sports day in the afternoon, so I went in the toilet to have a fag, and, erm .
.
I had a box of matches and I struck one to light my fag with, didn't blow it out properly, put it back in the box the box exploded in my javelin throwing hand.
Oh.
So, this is a story about a serious burn.
Yeah.
So, I had to throw the javelin at sports day with my left hand.
Jonnie, what do you think? How does this strike you? I think it could be true.
- And you think it's - True.
- OK, true.
- You are saying it is true.
Er, Jo, truth or lie? It is .
.
true.
Lucy, you're next.
I once continued with a first date even though I'd been sick in my handbag.
Lee's team.
When was this? Er, last week.
No, it wasn't.
It was, erm I was about, I'd say, 22.
21, And why had you been sick in the handbag? I got very drunk.
We'd gone to an art gallery.
It was like a private fancy one and he'd said He was a bit older and posher, and he said, "Let's go to this art gallery.
" How much older and how much posher? How much married? AUDIENCE LAUGH He was very He was terribly, terribly He didn't have a chin and, er, he was Now, did he literally not have a chin? Because no wonder you vomited into your handbag! I'd got really drunk and then .
.
he said, "Oh, I'll take you home.
" We were on the bus.
The man who's a lot posher than you took you home on the bus? Well, I'd normally have had to walk, so it was an upgrade.
- How big was your handbag? - It was It was a, sort of, novelty, leopardskin, fur bag that I'd bought from a, sort of, student marketplace.
What, into the fur bag? - Was he starting to go - SNIFFS - "You sure that's dead?" Oh, no, he didn't notice at all.
- How were you sick? You must have been sat next to him.
- Yeah.
I think he was looking out the window or something.
Were you going home? Or you going Where were you going? - He said, "I'll walk you home.
" - Yeah.
And I walked and I was aware that there were was dripping.
Oh, God.
But he didn't seem to notice.
Well, he was older, maybe he was leaking, too? - So, he walked you back to your house.
- Yes.
I think he wanted to come in and I said, "No ".
.
I've just been sick.
" - Oh, you told him, then? - Yeah.
And then nothing happened and I never saw him again.
Presumably your keys - Oh, my word, did you have to reach in? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't that have been great? "Would you like to come in for a coffee?" "OK!" They get to the front door "Actually, I've actually got to go home.
" Do you know? I don't think men's standards are that high, are they? All right.
What are you thinking? - Debbie.
- I haven't quite got there yet.
Because, if you're sick in your handbag, over all your stuff, it is going to seep out a lot.
She said it was dripping out.
- It would be leaving a trail.
- And smelly.
At least he can find his way back to the bus stop.
Follow the yellow sick road.
So, what are you going to say? True.
- Bob thinks it's true.
- True.
- I'm going to go with my team and say true.
- And say it's true! Lucy.
Truth or lie? It is Yeah! I'm afraid that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You?.
Thank you for watching.
Good night.