Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e10 Episode Script
The Best Bits
Good evening, and welcome to a special edition of the very best bits from this series of Would I Lie To You? Joining Lee Mack tonight - Bob Mortimer, Emma Bunton, Jo Brand, Tomasz Schafernaker, Scarlett Moffatt, Stacey Dooley, Ellie Taylor, and Rhod Gilbert.
And joining David Mitchell tonight, Georgia Toffolo, Richard Osman, Alex Jones, Big Narstie, Dion Dublin, Lucy Porter, and Shaun Williamson.
First up, it's Toff.
Right, I instructed Deliveroo to block my orders after my bacon sandwich addiction got out of hand.
Right.
So, how many bacon sandwiches were you getting? When it really, really got bad, it was about four or five times a week.
I mean, just how posh are you where you're ordering out for bacon butties? Where was the restaurant you were getting them from? Well, actually, the most embarrassing part of it is that, you know, I can get a bacon sandwich a mere 45 seconds away from my front door.
Were they delivering from the place that was that close? Yeah.
OK, right, hear me out, there's no greater joy than a bacon sarnie - in bed, right? - Oh, I can think of something.
Pot Noodle.
Did Deliveroo deliver to your bed? Well, no, you have to remove yourself from said bed and go to the front door, but it's easier than If it's that close, you must be halfway to the shop at that point.
Your bacon sarnie addiction consists of four or five a week, which is sort of less than one of day.
- Well, that's a lot, though.
- It would be quite a lot - That is quite a lot, every day.
- It's not an addiction, is it? - Well - Well, I've got a Weetabix addiction, in that case.
APPLAUSE Tell us about the bacon sandwich, Toff.
Was it a bog-standard one? - Yeah.
- Or was it something a little bit special? - No, it's a classic.
White bread, tommy-k, bacon, job done.
Not toasted.
Tommy-k, did you say? What does that mean? - Tomato ketchup.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Did you know that? - Tommy-k was the name Tommy-k, everyone knows what tommy-k is.
No, they don't.
Don't get on the kids' bandwagon.
- I knew what tommy-k was.
- No, you didn't.
Even though I'm the man who prefers Bobby Brown, - I did know what tommy-k was.
- No, you didn't, no, you didn't.
- Oh, I did.
- Would you order anything else with it, or was it just the bacon sandwich? Well, it depends.
If I'm feeling a bit fruity, I'd have an OJ, but.
.
- Orange juice! - Orange juice.
I knew that! I knew that.
- Yeah.
- Would you maybe add a Bob? Would you add a Bob to it? Shut up.
Would you add a Bob? A B-O-B, bit of butter? Didn't you know that?! A bit of butter You're so old, Grandad.
Why did you block the Deliveroo account? Why didn't you just stop ordering them? I tried that, I tried just not ordering, but my willpower is quite, obviously, not good enough, so I emailed the Deliveroo HQ, and basically asked them - I thought it was quite funny at the time.
- How did you word it? "Hello, I've got a bacon sandwich addiction, help.
"Please block my account.
" And did they get back to you? No, but I then tried to order two days later, and I couldn't log into my account.
It's been reinstated since, I emailed again, cos it is actually quite annoying.
What did you do? What washow did you email? What was that? "Hello, I made an enormous mistake.
Please can I come back?" No! That was the email you sent to me.
I certainly did not! What do you think, Ellie? She's telling it well, but I don't think it's the truth.
- Why? - Because, Lee .
.
I think she's lying.
I think she's clearly insane.
I think it's true.
Absolutely true, 100%.
- Lee? - Yeah, we'll say it's true.
You're going to say true.
Toff, truth or lie? It is .
.
true.
Yeah, it's true.
APPLAUSE Bob, you're next.
- Sorry? - It's you, Bob.
It's apple pie tonight.
- Is it? This is Friday, then? - Yes! Following advice from Chris Rea, I always crack an egg into my bath.
I've done it for 20 years.
We should say, for any of the younger viewers, some of my fans, who Chris Rea Chris Rea was a very popular singer.
When did Chris Rea give you this advice, and in what context? I was making a single for Middlesbrough Football Club's FA Cup appearance, called Let's Dance, which I did with Chris Rea.
And after we completed the recording, he popped me into the bath, and there was an egg There was an egg in it.
He popped you into the bath? "It's been a long day, you must be very tired.
"Let's just I'll just pop you into the bath.
" So, where was this bath? Was it at the recording studio? It's on a little island in the middle of the Thames, it's where his recording studio is.
So, you've been recording, presumably in a room without a bath.
Absolutely, yeah.
And then you finish the recording, - everyone's very happy with the track.
- Yep.
And he says, "Bob, you look tired, maybe your joints are aching.
"This way.
" Not exactly like that.
He says, "I like that, "that's it, Bob, I think we've got that, like.
"That's your bedroom, that's your bath, "I've popped an egg in there for you.
" - Is he a Geordie? - Yeah, well.
- He's like where I'm from, Middlesbrough.
- Right.
But he is much more Middlesbrough than me, like.
And why would he put an egg in your bath? What was the thinking behind it? Erm, I've never found out.
You've done it ever since! All I know All I know is that I woke up the next morning, and I have never felt so alive.
Was the egg still in its shell, floating? Or had he gone? No, the white had dissipated.
Dissipated, does that work? - Yeah.
- It's fabulous, it's fabulous, it's non-greasy, which is a boon, innit? - Is it non-greasy? - Yeah, honestly, absolutely.
It's less greasy than water without egg in it? Do you have to mix it up, or do you just crack it and let it float? Do you know what? You get in the bath, even the bath where I am now, and you get in and you really don't want to burst the yolk.
So, the white goes, but the yolk's there, and you move like that, and you try and get it to come towards you like that.
And, I don't know why, but you just do.
Have you ever had it get in your mouth? You get it like that.
And then you get the yolk, and I use it for hair conditioner.
Really? Not that I have much hair, but to condition the hair on me skin.
So, just going back to the original occasion, Chris Rea had already run you a bath.
Yes.
I'd forgotten about that detail! - I know, but if you knew - And cracked an egg into it! If you knew Chris, it's just so Chris.
You know, the other thing was, a couple of weeks later, he sent me a gold doily.
Why? To dry yourself off? I don't know, but so, I'm just saying, these things are just so Chris.
Do we think that the way Bob describes what happened to the egg white, is? He says it just dissipates.
Is that plausible? If your bath is hot, then you're going to have a poached white.
- I would've thought the white would, yeah, would turn white.
- No, now How hot is YOUR bath? - Your bath is hot enough that an egg could poach? - I don't know.
Your claim is that it dissipates, I'm asking my team whether we believe that it would dissipate.
Because if, for example, at the temperature of a bath, say, 39 degrees Celsius, the white would turn opaque, then your story doesn't check out.
Agreed.
Absolutely agreed.
I think What do you think, David? I think it's fair to say that if anyone else had made this allegation about Chris Rea and an egg in their bath, we wouldn't be giving it a moment's consideration.
Somehow, coming from Bob, it might be true.
- It IS true.
- I think - You think it's I think it's true, because he's been about a bit, Bob.
Oh, no.
- I think the white would poach.
- Yeah, the Yeah, I think the egg is The chemical analysis of the behaviour of the albumin.
David, honestly, please don't base it on the albumin whitening, it does not It does not I can't have a bath at 80 plus degrees.
I'm not Is that the temperature at which an egg white will turn? It'll start at about 80, yeah.
Honestly, please don't base it on that.
What should I base it on, Bob? Do you want? What are you going to say? Instinctively, I believe it.
- We're going to go true.
- You're saying true.
OK, so, Bob, Chris Rea, eggs, baths.
Is it the truth? Or is it a lie? This is awful! I was telling .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Of course! Of course it's a lie! He said He said Chris Rea put an egg in his bath.
Of course it's a lie, it's obviously a lie! Who could possibly believe that?! Alex, you're next.
Right.
On a recent trip to the zoo, my bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey.
Lee.
What zoo was it? London Zoo.
And which arm was it? The left was missing, right intact.
As you look at it, or from the monkey's perspective? - His left was missing.
- OK.
And why was it missing, Al? I don't really know.
I mean, we were merely visitors in the zoo, Stace.
I didn't know the back story of the monkey.
No, I accept that.
Who is we? Me and my husband, and our little boy.
- Your little boy, so, you've gone for a little family day at the zoo.
- Yup.
And aren't monkeys usually behind cages or behind glass? Well, they are, apart from when you get to the rainforest section.
And in the rainforest section, there are birds, there are monkeys, there are sloths, it's a free-for-all.
Did the monkey have a name? Cos often they name them, don't they? The monkey's, erm - The monkey's name was Bandit.
- Bandit? - As in one-armed.
- Oh, come on! - What sort of monkey? - Yeah.
- It wasn't a chimp, was it? Well, I'm not David Attenborough, I don't know, but Excuse me.
A chimpanzee, even though it looks like a monkey, isn't a monkey.
Well spotted.
I deliberately said that.
Even though a chimp is totally, in every meaningful way, obviously it's a monkey, it's not a monkey.
You know, it's a special place that's been made by biologists for pedants to reside, so that whenever anyone refers to a chimpanzee as a monkey, like you did then, a pedant like me says, "Oh, no, a chimpanzee isn't a monkey".
And I've started to hate myself for that.
Nice of you to join the rest of us.
What happened? I'm pushing the pram, said monkey travelled from a tree, and landed on the pram.
My maternal instinct obviously kicks in, so I take Ted You cuddled the monkey.
Right, the monkey.
I took Ted out of the pram, and then the monkey got hold of the bag attached to the pram.
In he went, spreading monkey DNA over all of the contents.
What?! How big is the monkey? What, that big? A bit smaller.
Are you sure it wasn't a squirrel? Was it like this? I think you'll find, Rob, it was like this.
You've not been listening, have you? Oh, no, I'm not paying attention.
What do you think, Lee? Does it ring true? There is not a single element to that story that sounds believable.
You're the boss, but I think it's a massive lie.
- It's got to be a lie, then.
- You're saying it's a lie.
- Got to be a lie.
OK, Alex, was it the truth, or was it a lie? It is in fact .
.
true.
Oh, my Lord! Wow.
Yes, it's true.
Alex's bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey, and look, we have a picture.
That is the monkey in the bag at the time.
- That's terrifying.
- Wow! Shaun, you're next.
Oh, thank you very much.
I once stole the shirt off a scarecrow in order to get into a nightclub.
Lee's team.
Wow.
OK.
So, were you not wearing anything before you went to the nightclub? - Me? - Yeah.
- A T-shirt, you see.
- OK.
Oh, and they wouldn't let you in? Yeah, but they What it is, you know, it's all a bit more relaxed these days, because the dress code isn't what it was back in "the day".
What was "the day"? What year? Back in the Well, in my "the day", or when this happened? It was early 2000s.
All right, so early 2000s, you've gone to a nightclub.
Where was this nightclub? In Rochester.
Rochester is a town, right? And that's why it's got a nightclub in it.
And scarecrows don't really tend to be used in towns.
What a very good point.
Because there aren't any massive fields, so Thank you, Miss Marple.
So, when did you find out you needed a shirt to get in the club? - Did you go to the club? - When the bouncer said, "You ain't coming in".
Right, and then you walked back to the scarecrow to get the shirt? I walked back to the allotment.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! This is very high-level play.
This is like chess, isn't it? Between Shaun and Joe.
Take that, Moriarty.
Do you live in Rochester? No.
So, how did you know there was an allotment in Rochester near the nightclub? I lived near it then.
Oh, I see.
APPLAUSE It's like fencing, isn't it? But, then again, if you lived in Rochester, why didn't you just go home and get a shirt? Oh, this gets better and better! Checkmate.
No, no, no, I was born in Chatham, but brought up in Maidstone, but my uncle lived in Rochester, and it was one of the allotments on his patch, so I knew where the allotments where, apropos to the nightclub.
Miss Brand, back to you.
Can I ask? Earlier, you said you had a T-shirt and trainers and jeans on.
- Yes.
- And you thought it was a relaxed club, but then you went to the club, and they said, "You need a shirt," - but you're not allowed in a club with trainers on.
- OK.
The bouncer was Can I just say, Shaun? You're the kind of person that, every time you speak, you always sound like you're going to start it with, "I'd like to change my story".
Or is that the impression I'm just giving you? For the sake of the tape, the accused is walking to the room The bouncer was a massive fan of EastEnders, and was quite embarrassed at turning me away, so, I think when he saw the effort I'd made, cos I was already eight pints to the wind, so when he saw the effort I'd made, I think he just couldn't bear turning me away again.
What do you think? Could this be true? This is what I think - a man who knows exactly where an allotment is, cos he knows the town so well, knows you can't get into the nightclub without collars.
And, for that reason, Shaun, we find you guilty.
So, what are you saying, Lee? You think it's a lie? - Lie.
- I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie? You all think it's a lie.
- Yep, we all think it's a lie.
- Shaun, truth or lie? It is .
.
a lie.
Narstie, you're next.
It says possession, but I was young, I was young! I was young.
There's a little box under your desk.
If you take the item out of the box and put it on the desk, OK, pop it on the desk first, and then read out the card.
This is an Ukabong.
Me and my cousins would each make an Ukabong to play the Narstie family game, Ukabong.
- What? - And there we are.
Lee's team.
- So, you're saying it's called an Ukabong.
- Ukabong.
- Uka? - Uka.
Bong.
How do you spell it, Narstie? Just spell it for Lee, because he's a little slow.
U-K-A and then bong.
So, U-K-A, and then bong.
How do you make it? What's it made of? - It's a sock.
- It's made out of socks.
- What's inside the sock? - More socks.
More socks.
Is it just lots of socks? So, boom, basically, it's a family game and everyone'severyone has their own Ukabong.
- Do you hit each other? - Yeah.
- It's your own tool.
- So, you whack people with that? - Yeah.
- With the Ukabong.
- Yeah, with your own Ukabong.
But there's stipulations to it.
You've got to all be in the room, and you've got to turn off the lights, yeah? And the hit only counts, yeah, if you hit someone and you say "Ukabong".
If you hit someone, yeah, and you don't say Ukabong, the whole room rushes you.
And then my grandma says, "The first one who cries gets beaten".
We'd be at my grandma's, yeah? Our top room, boom, there's like 15 cousins, and my Uncle Simon, yeah? Boom.
- My Uncle Simon's a cool cat, he was a cool cat.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, boom, now, everyone's got their Ukabong.
David is very nervous.
I haven't even got my own Ukabong.
I'm defenceless.
Hang on a minute.
I've got one here.
APPLAUSE - There you go.
- Thank you very much.
So, boom, now, yeah? We're in the room now, it's, hee-hee-hee! It's all dark and that, swinging at everyone, "Ukabong! Ukabong!" So, then, boom, if I hit you, "Ukabong!" Obviously, it probably hurts you go, "Oh!" Then now, my Uncle Simon, yeah? We thought he had the special Ukabong.
Yeah? Oh, this is taking a sinister turn.
We thought his Ukabong was sent from God.
Do you know what my uncle used to do? He used to put a tennis ball in his Ukabong.
Do you know what? I thought it was going to be worse than that.
So, he would come with, like, "This is my Ukabong".
One shot, KO! Everyone's out.
Starts crying, Grandma comes in, everyone's gets their arse busted, and have to read Bible.
APPLAUSE If it's dark, how does everyone know that you've successfully Ukabonged somebody? You could be lying.
- When you hear somebody say, "Ow!" - Yeah, yeah.
The ow! You're definitely going to hear an, "Ow!" And when Uncle Simon's one goes off, it's more of an, "Ugh" What do you think, Scarlett? I want to do it.
- I really want to play now.
I think it's true.
- Scarlett.
Yay! Can I? Yes! Hang on.
Yes! Ukabong! Ukabong! Hey guys, I've got a great idea.
Let's all Ukabong Rob.
There we are.
That's what we pay our license fee for.
Thank you very much.
What are you thinking then, Lee? Why don't you go for a guess here? - What do you think, Scarlett? - I think it's 100% true.
- You do, why? Yeah, because it's just fun, isn't it? I can imagine you doing that.
- Is that fun? - Ah! - Oh, sorry, Ukabong.
- OK, yeah, now we all have to attack him.
That's just domestic violence without "Ukabong," bruv.
Tomasz I'm with the other two.
I think it's absolutely true.
All think it's true, OK.
Narstie, truth or lie? Truth! Next up, it's Lee.
LEE CHUCKLES I was genuinely invited to Harry and Meghan's wedding today, but I said no, because I had to come here and do this.
David's team.
Why were you invited? Well, that, David, is as much of a shock to me as it is to you.
I'm on the telly.
Do you know, for example, Prince Harry or Meghan Markle? Well, I've met Prince Harry, and he was very nice, and he did say that he was a fan of this show.
So, he's definitely seen me, because I'm on this show.
If this is true, it's a bit of a blow to me and Rob.
Well, this is Well, I wasn't invited, maybe Rob was as well.
II really can't say.
I think we know, if Rob was invited, he would be able to say.
So Well, this is interesting, because I want to know if you WERE invited, because as soon as I got the invite, I've met Prince Harry, and I know he's a fan of the show, so I immediately assumed that you two had been invited as well.
So, I went to phone you, and I phoned you first, then I put the phone down, because I didn't want to ask, in case you hadn't been invited.
I thought it wouldn't be a good idea.
Yes, it would be a horrible thing to let slip, wouldn't it? If you'd been invited and I hadn't been, it'd be a horrible thing to do someone under any circumstances, even if it wasn't in public.
So, you think he's going, "OK, George Clooney" Yeah" ".
.
David Beckham, Oprah Winfrey, "Lee.
" Oh, so he didn't even know my surname.
I should point out to people watching at home, - that it is the Royal Wedding day today.
- Yeah.
As we record this, it happened today, didn't it? AUDIENCE: Yes! It was a lovely wedding, as well.
Rather lovely.
Brought people together, didn't it? And you know what I'm glad about? - I'm glad he wasn't there.
- Yes! That would have spoilt it for me, I think.
Eugh! Eugh! - Did it come through the post? - It went through my agent.
So, it's more like a booking.
Were they expecting you to do some of your silly humour or something? - Did you have a plus one as well? - Yes, I did.
And so your wife was happy for you to come and do this instead of going to the royal wedding? Well actually, my wife My wife couldn't go anyway.
So, that was the other problem, as well.
And then I thought, "Well, who would I take?" And I did actually think of one of you two.
I thought, "That's going to be more awkward.
" So, I mean, but then I thought, "Maybe it's not awkward if David's "been invited, as I suspected, and Rob hasn't, I'll take Rob".
Then we're all going.
There was a lot of social etiquette, I was a mess.
That is the other question - why didn't? - Cos the wedding finished at about 1.
00.
- Yes.
And then there was a lunch.
I got the invite that said the wedding is going - to be at 12.
00.
- Mm-hm.
And I thought, in my head, no-one would say 12.
00 meaning that's when the wedding is, that would mean, you know, you turn up at 12.
00, and then you go through all the rigmarole of security, blah, blah, blah, and actually, the wedding's going to be about 2.
00.
Then you've got the actual ceremony, then you've got the meal, I wasn't going to get here Yes, it's like when you buy theatre tickets.
The time is just when they think you should leave home.
Look, lads, I appreciate you're angry.
Yeah, very angry.
I didn'tI don't I didn't write the invites.
Very angry, and very hurt, and very bruised, whether this is true or not.
That's the terrible thing, because my thought processes have gone down the lines of it being true, and it feels like I've been through it emotionally, even if I haven't.
- OK, time to decide.
- OK, well II think it's I'd love it to be true, but I think it's unlikely.
I wouldn't.
This has been This has been one of the most psychologically damaging thought experiments I've ever gone through, and so I couldn't I don't think I could pronounce the words, "I think this is true".
Oh, I just did.
- You think it's true? - Are we going to say lie? - I think lie.
No, we're going to say lie.
I've a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, that it's true.
It's like waiting with a specialist for a result.
Yeah.
Ironically, if this is true, when that moment comes for both of us, it'll just be a mercy.
So, Lee, tell us.
They think it's a lie, I pray it's a lie.
It is, in fact .
.
true.
GASPS AND APPLAUSE Terrible.
Well, I hope that's the last question of the evening.
So, how did you keep that a secret? Thank you for watching.
That's it.
I mean, thank you for watching.
Oh, actually, there's something else, as well.
Sorry, I've got to tell you this as well, which is quite important.
This is a true story, as well.
I was lying.
Look at the smile on his little face! Look at his little, happy face! You're OK.
It's all right, it's all right.
Yes! Praise be, it was a lie.
Of course it was a lie, Lee wasn't invited - of course he wasn't - to Harry and Meghan's wedding.
Do you know what I think? I think the producers of this show are just trying to turn us against each other.
They're doing a good job! Thank you for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
And joining David Mitchell tonight, Georgia Toffolo, Richard Osman, Alex Jones, Big Narstie, Dion Dublin, Lucy Porter, and Shaun Williamson.
First up, it's Toff.
Right, I instructed Deliveroo to block my orders after my bacon sandwich addiction got out of hand.
Right.
So, how many bacon sandwiches were you getting? When it really, really got bad, it was about four or five times a week.
I mean, just how posh are you where you're ordering out for bacon butties? Where was the restaurant you were getting them from? Well, actually, the most embarrassing part of it is that, you know, I can get a bacon sandwich a mere 45 seconds away from my front door.
Were they delivering from the place that was that close? Yeah.
OK, right, hear me out, there's no greater joy than a bacon sarnie - in bed, right? - Oh, I can think of something.
Pot Noodle.
Did Deliveroo deliver to your bed? Well, no, you have to remove yourself from said bed and go to the front door, but it's easier than If it's that close, you must be halfway to the shop at that point.
Your bacon sarnie addiction consists of four or five a week, which is sort of less than one of day.
- Well, that's a lot, though.
- It would be quite a lot - That is quite a lot, every day.
- It's not an addiction, is it? - Well - Well, I've got a Weetabix addiction, in that case.
APPLAUSE Tell us about the bacon sandwich, Toff.
Was it a bog-standard one? - Yeah.
- Or was it something a little bit special? - No, it's a classic.
White bread, tommy-k, bacon, job done.
Not toasted.
Tommy-k, did you say? What does that mean? - Tomato ketchup.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Did you know that? - Tommy-k was the name Tommy-k, everyone knows what tommy-k is.
No, they don't.
Don't get on the kids' bandwagon.
- I knew what tommy-k was.
- No, you didn't.
Even though I'm the man who prefers Bobby Brown, - I did know what tommy-k was.
- No, you didn't, no, you didn't.
- Oh, I did.
- Would you order anything else with it, or was it just the bacon sandwich? Well, it depends.
If I'm feeling a bit fruity, I'd have an OJ, but.
.
- Orange juice! - Orange juice.
I knew that! I knew that.
- Yeah.
- Would you maybe add a Bob? Would you add a Bob to it? Shut up.
Would you add a Bob? A B-O-B, bit of butter? Didn't you know that?! A bit of butter You're so old, Grandad.
Why did you block the Deliveroo account? Why didn't you just stop ordering them? I tried that, I tried just not ordering, but my willpower is quite, obviously, not good enough, so I emailed the Deliveroo HQ, and basically asked them - I thought it was quite funny at the time.
- How did you word it? "Hello, I've got a bacon sandwich addiction, help.
"Please block my account.
" And did they get back to you? No, but I then tried to order two days later, and I couldn't log into my account.
It's been reinstated since, I emailed again, cos it is actually quite annoying.
What did you do? What washow did you email? What was that? "Hello, I made an enormous mistake.
Please can I come back?" No! That was the email you sent to me.
I certainly did not! What do you think, Ellie? She's telling it well, but I don't think it's the truth.
- Why? - Because, Lee .
.
I think she's lying.
I think she's clearly insane.
I think it's true.
Absolutely true, 100%.
- Lee? - Yeah, we'll say it's true.
You're going to say true.
Toff, truth or lie? It is .
.
true.
Yeah, it's true.
APPLAUSE Bob, you're next.
- Sorry? - It's you, Bob.
It's apple pie tonight.
- Is it? This is Friday, then? - Yes! Following advice from Chris Rea, I always crack an egg into my bath.
I've done it for 20 years.
We should say, for any of the younger viewers, some of my fans, who Chris Rea Chris Rea was a very popular singer.
When did Chris Rea give you this advice, and in what context? I was making a single for Middlesbrough Football Club's FA Cup appearance, called Let's Dance, which I did with Chris Rea.
And after we completed the recording, he popped me into the bath, and there was an egg There was an egg in it.
He popped you into the bath? "It's been a long day, you must be very tired.
"Let's just I'll just pop you into the bath.
" So, where was this bath? Was it at the recording studio? It's on a little island in the middle of the Thames, it's where his recording studio is.
So, you've been recording, presumably in a room without a bath.
Absolutely, yeah.
And then you finish the recording, - everyone's very happy with the track.
- Yep.
And he says, "Bob, you look tired, maybe your joints are aching.
"This way.
" Not exactly like that.
He says, "I like that, "that's it, Bob, I think we've got that, like.
"That's your bedroom, that's your bath, "I've popped an egg in there for you.
" - Is he a Geordie? - Yeah, well.
- He's like where I'm from, Middlesbrough.
- Right.
But he is much more Middlesbrough than me, like.
And why would he put an egg in your bath? What was the thinking behind it? Erm, I've never found out.
You've done it ever since! All I know All I know is that I woke up the next morning, and I have never felt so alive.
Was the egg still in its shell, floating? Or had he gone? No, the white had dissipated.
Dissipated, does that work? - Yeah.
- It's fabulous, it's fabulous, it's non-greasy, which is a boon, innit? - Is it non-greasy? - Yeah, honestly, absolutely.
It's less greasy than water without egg in it? Do you have to mix it up, or do you just crack it and let it float? Do you know what? You get in the bath, even the bath where I am now, and you get in and you really don't want to burst the yolk.
So, the white goes, but the yolk's there, and you move like that, and you try and get it to come towards you like that.
And, I don't know why, but you just do.
Have you ever had it get in your mouth? You get it like that.
And then you get the yolk, and I use it for hair conditioner.
Really? Not that I have much hair, but to condition the hair on me skin.
So, just going back to the original occasion, Chris Rea had already run you a bath.
Yes.
I'd forgotten about that detail! - I know, but if you knew - And cracked an egg into it! If you knew Chris, it's just so Chris.
You know, the other thing was, a couple of weeks later, he sent me a gold doily.
Why? To dry yourself off? I don't know, but so, I'm just saying, these things are just so Chris.
Do we think that the way Bob describes what happened to the egg white, is? He says it just dissipates.
Is that plausible? If your bath is hot, then you're going to have a poached white.
- I would've thought the white would, yeah, would turn white.
- No, now How hot is YOUR bath? - Your bath is hot enough that an egg could poach? - I don't know.
Your claim is that it dissipates, I'm asking my team whether we believe that it would dissipate.
Because if, for example, at the temperature of a bath, say, 39 degrees Celsius, the white would turn opaque, then your story doesn't check out.
Agreed.
Absolutely agreed.
I think What do you think, David? I think it's fair to say that if anyone else had made this allegation about Chris Rea and an egg in their bath, we wouldn't be giving it a moment's consideration.
Somehow, coming from Bob, it might be true.
- It IS true.
- I think - You think it's I think it's true, because he's been about a bit, Bob.
Oh, no.
- I think the white would poach.
- Yeah, the Yeah, I think the egg is The chemical analysis of the behaviour of the albumin.
David, honestly, please don't base it on the albumin whitening, it does not It does not I can't have a bath at 80 plus degrees.
I'm not Is that the temperature at which an egg white will turn? It'll start at about 80, yeah.
Honestly, please don't base it on that.
What should I base it on, Bob? Do you want? What are you going to say? Instinctively, I believe it.
- We're going to go true.
- You're saying true.
OK, so, Bob, Chris Rea, eggs, baths.
Is it the truth? Or is it a lie? This is awful! I was telling .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Of course! Of course it's a lie! He said He said Chris Rea put an egg in his bath.
Of course it's a lie, it's obviously a lie! Who could possibly believe that?! Alex, you're next.
Right.
On a recent trip to the zoo, my bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey.
Lee.
What zoo was it? London Zoo.
And which arm was it? The left was missing, right intact.
As you look at it, or from the monkey's perspective? - His left was missing.
- OK.
And why was it missing, Al? I don't really know.
I mean, we were merely visitors in the zoo, Stace.
I didn't know the back story of the monkey.
No, I accept that.
Who is we? Me and my husband, and our little boy.
- Your little boy, so, you've gone for a little family day at the zoo.
- Yup.
And aren't monkeys usually behind cages or behind glass? Well, they are, apart from when you get to the rainforest section.
And in the rainforest section, there are birds, there are monkeys, there are sloths, it's a free-for-all.
Did the monkey have a name? Cos often they name them, don't they? The monkey's, erm - The monkey's name was Bandit.
- Bandit? - As in one-armed.
- Oh, come on! - What sort of monkey? - Yeah.
- It wasn't a chimp, was it? Well, I'm not David Attenborough, I don't know, but Excuse me.
A chimpanzee, even though it looks like a monkey, isn't a monkey.
Well spotted.
I deliberately said that.
Even though a chimp is totally, in every meaningful way, obviously it's a monkey, it's not a monkey.
You know, it's a special place that's been made by biologists for pedants to reside, so that whenever anyone refers to a chimpanzee as a monkey, like you did then, a pedant like me says, "Oh, no, a chimpanzee isn't a monkey".
And I've started to hate myself for that.
Nice of you to join the rest of us.
What happened? I'm pushing the pram, said monkey travelled from a tree, and landed on the pram.
My maternal instinct obviously kicks in, so I take Ted You cuddled the monkey.
Right, the monkey.
I took Ted out of the pram, and then the monkey got hold of the bag attached to the pram.
In he went, spreading monkey DNA over all of the contents.
What?! How big is the monkey? What, that big? A bit smaller.
Are you sure it wasn't a squirrel? Was it like this? I think you'll find, Rob, it was like this.
You've not been listening, have you? Oh, no, I'm not paying attention.
What do you think, Lee? Does it ring true? There is not a single element to that story that sounds believable.
You're the boss, but I think it's a massive lie.
- It's got to be a lie, then.
- You're saying it's a lie.
- Got to be a lie.
OK, Alex, was it the truth, or was it a lie? It is in fact .
.
true.
Oh, my Lord! Wow.
Yes, it's true.
Alex's bag was hijacked by a one-armed monkey, and look, we have a picture.
That is the monkey in the bag at the time.
- That's terrifying.
- Wow! Shaun, you're next.
Oh, thank you very much.
I once stole the shirt off a scarecrow in order to get into a nightclub.
Lee's team.
Wow.
OK.
So, were you not wearing anything before you went to the nightclub? - Me? - Yeah.
- A T-shirt, you see.
- OK.
Oh, and they wouldn't let you in? Yeah, but they What it is, you know, it's all a bit more relaxed these days, because the dress code isn't what it was back in "the day".
What was "the day"? What year? Back in the Well, in my "the day", or when this happened? It was early 2000s.
All right, so early 2000s, you've gone to a nightclub.
Where was this nightclub? In Rochester.
Rochester is a town, right? And that's why it's got a nightclub in it.
And scarecrows don't really tend to be used in towns.
What a very good point.
Because there aren't any massive fields, so Thank you, Miss Marple.
So, when did you find out you needed a shirt to get in the club? - Did you go to the club? - When the bouncer said, "You ain't coming in".
Right, and then you walked back to the scarecrow to get the shirt? I walked back to the allotment.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! This is very high-level play.
This is like chess, isn't it? Between Shaun and Joe.
Take that, Moriarty.
Do you live in Rochester? No.
So, how did you know there was an allotment in Rochester near the nightclub? I lived near it then.
Oh, I see.
APPLAUSE It's like fencing, isn't it? But, then again, if you lived in Rochester, why didn't you just go home and get a shirt? Oh, this gets better and better! Checkmate.
No, no, no, I was born in Chatham, but brought up in Maidstone, but my uncle lived in Rochester, and it was one of the allotments on his patch, so I knew where the allotments where, apropos to the nightclub.
Miss Brand, back to you.
Can I ask? Earlier, you said you had a T-shirt and trainers and jeans on.
- Yes.
- And you thought it was a relaxed club, but then you went to the club, and they said, "You need a shirt," - but you're not allowed in a club with trainers on.
- OK.
The bouncer was Can I just say, Shaun? You're the kind of person that, every time you speak, you always sound like you're going to start it with, "I'd like to change my story".
Or is that the impression I'm just giving you? For the sake of the tape, the accused is walking to the room The bouncer was a massive fan of EastEnders, and was quite embarrassed at turning me away, so, I think when he saw the effort I'd made, cos I was already eight pints to the wind, so when he saw the effort I'd made, I think he just couldn't bear turning me away again.
What do you think? Could this be true? This is what I think - a man who knows exactly where an allotment is, cos he knows the town so well, knows you can't get into the nightclub without collars.
And, for that reason, Shaun, we find you guilty.
So, what are you saying, Lee? You think it's a lie? - Lie.
- I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie? You all think it's a lie.
- Yep, we all think it's a lie.
- Shaun, truth or lie? It is .
.
a lie.
Narstie, you're next.
It says possession, but I was young, I was young! I was young.
There's a little box under your desk.
If you take the item out of the box and put it on the desk, OK, pop it on the desk first, and then read out the card.
This is an Ukabong.
Me and my cousins would each make an Ukabong to play the Narstie family game, Ukabong.
- What? - And there we are.
Lee's team.
- So, you're saying it's called an Ukabong.
- Ukabong.
- Uka? - Uka.
Bong.
How do you spell it, Narstie? Just spell it for Lee, because he's a little slow.
U-K-A and then bong.
So, U-K-A, and then bong.
How do you make it? What's it made of? - It's a sock.
- It's made out of socks.
- What's inside the sock? - More socks.
More socks.
Is it just lots of socks? So, boom, basically, it's a family game and everyone'severyone has their own Ukabong.
- Do you hit each other? - Yeah.
- It's your own tool.
- So, you whack people with that? - Yeah.
- With the Ukabong.
- Yeah, with your own Ukabong.
But there's stipulations to it.
You've got to all be in the room, and you've got to turn off the lights, yeah? And the hit only counts, yeah, if you hit someone and you say "Ukabong".
If you hit someone, yeah, and you don't say Ukabong, the whole room rushes you.
And then my grandma says, "The first one who cries gets beaten".
We'd be at my grandma's, yeah? Our top room, boom, there's like 15 cousins, and my Uncle Simon, yeah? Boom.
- My Uncle Simon's a cool cat, he was a cool cat.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, boom, now, everyone's got their Ukabong.
David is very nervous.
I haven't even got my own Ukabong.
I'm defenceless.
Hang on a minute.
I've got one here.
APPLAUSE - There you go.
- Thank you very much.
So, boom, now, yeah? We're in the room now, it's, hee-hee-hee! It's all dark and that, swinging at everyone, "Ukabong! Ukabong!" So, then, boom, if I hit you, "Ukabong!" Obviously, it probably hurts you go, "Oh!" Then now, my Uncle Simon, yeah? We thought he had the special Ukabong.
Yeah? Oh, this is taking a sinister turn.
We thought his Ukabong was sent from God.
Do you know what my uncle used to do? He used to put a tennis ball in his Ukabong.
Do you know what? I thought it was going to be worse than that.
So, he would come with, like, "This is my Ukabong".
One shot, KO! Everyone's out.
Starts crying, Grandma comes in, everyone's gets their arse busted, and have to read Bible.
APPLAUSE If it's dark, how does everyone know that you've successfully Ukabonged somebody? You could be lying.
- When you hear somebody say, "Ow!" - Yeah, yeah.
The ow! You're definitely going to hear an, "Ow!" And when Uncle Simon's one goes off, it's more of an, "Ugh" What do you think, Scarlett? I want to do it.
- I really want to play now.
I think it's true.
- Scarlett.
Yay! Can I? Yes! Hang on.
Yes! Ukabong! Ukabong! Hey guys, I've got a great idea.
Let's all Ukabong Rob.
There we are.
That's what we pay our license fee for.
Thank you very much.
What are you thinking then, Lee? Why don't you go for a guess here? - What do you think, Scarlett? - I think it's 100% true.
- You do, why? Yeah, because it's just fun, isn't it? I can imagine you doing that.
- Is that fun? - Ah! - Oh, sorry, Ukabong.
- OK, yeah, now we all have to attack him.
That's just domestic violence without "Ukabong," bruv.
Tomasz I'm with the other two.
I think it's absolutely true.
All think it's true, OK.
Narstie, truth or lie? Truth! Next up, it's Lee.
LEE CHUCKLES I was genuinely invited to Harry and Meghan's wedding today, but I said no, because I had to come here and do this.
David's team.
Why were you invited? Well, that, David, is as much of a shock to me as it is to you.
I'm on the telly.
Do you know, for example, Prince Harry or Meghan Markle? Well, I've met Prince Harry, and he was very nice, and he did say that he was a fan of this show.
So, he's definitely seen me, because I'm on this show.
If this is true, it's a bit of a blow to me and Rob.
Well, this is Well, I wasn't invited, maybe Rob was as well.
II really can't say.
I think we know, if Rob was invited, he would be able to say.
So Well, this is interesting, because I want to know if you WERE invited, because as soon as I got the invite, I've met Prince Harry, and I know he's a fan of the show, so I immediately assumed that you two had been invited as well.
So, I went to phone you, and I phoned you first, then I put the phone down, because I didn't want to ask, in case you hadn't been invited.
I thought it wouldn't be a good idea.
Yes, it would be a horrible thing to let slip, wouldn't it? If you'd been invited and I hadn't been, it'd be a horrible thing to do someone under any circumstances, even if it wasn't in public.
So, you think he's going, "OK, George Clooney" Yeah" ".
.
David Beckham, Oprah Winfrey, "Lee.
" Oh, so he didn't even know my surname.
I should point out to people watching at home, - that it is the Royal Wedding day today.
- Yeah.
As we record this, it happened today, didn't it? AUDIENCE: Yes! It was a lovely wedding, as well.
Rather lovely.
Brought people together, didn't it? And you know what I'm glad about? - I'm glad he wasn't there.
- Yes! That would have spoilt it for me, I think.
Eugh! Eugh! - Did it come through the post? - It went through my agent.
So, it's more like a booking.
Were they expecting you to do some of your silly humour or something? - Did you have a plus one as well? - Yes, I did.
And so your wife was happy for you to come and do this instead of going to the royal wedding? Well actually, my wife My wife couldn't go anyway.
So, that was the other problem, as well.
And then I thought, "Well, who would I take?" And I did actually think of one of you two.
I thought, "That's going to be more awkward.
" So, I mean, but then I thought, "Maybe it's not awkward if David's "been invited, as I suspected, and Rob hasn't, I'll take Rob".
Then we're all going.
There was a lot of social etiquette, I was a mess.
That is the other question - why didn't? - Cos the wedding finished at about 1.
00.
- Yes.
And then there was a lunch.
I got the invite that said the wedding is going - to be at 12.
00.
- Mm-hm.
And I thought, in my head, no-one would say 12.
00 meaning that's when the wedding is, that would mean, you know, you turn up at 12.
00, and then you go through all the rigmarole of security, blah, blah, blah, and actually, the wedding's going to be about 2.
00.
Then you've got the actual ceremony, then you've got the meal, I wasn't going to get here Yes, it's like when you buy theatre tickets.
The time is just when they think you should leave home.
Look, lads, I appreciate you're angry.
Yeah, very angry.
I didn'tI don't I didn't write the invites.
Very angry, and very hurt, and very bruised, whether this is true or not.
That's the terrible thing, because my thought processes have gone down the lines of it being true, and it feels like I've been through it emotionally, even if I haven't.
- OK, time to decide.
- OK, well II think it's I'd love it to be true, but I think it's unlikely.
I wouldn't.
This has been This has been one of the most psychologically damaging thought experiments I've ever gone through, and so I couldn't I don't think I could pronounce the words, "I think this is true".
Oh, I just did.
- You think it's true? - Are we going to say lie? - I think lie.
No, we're going to say lie.
I've a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, that it's true.
It's like waiting with a specialist for a result.
Yeah.
Ironically, if this is true, when that moment comes for both of us, it'll just be a mercy.
So, Lee, tell us.
They think it's a lie, I pray it's a lie.
It is, in fact .
.
true.
GASPS AND APPLAUSE Terrible.
Well, I hope that's the last question of the evening.
So, how did you keep that a secret? Thank you for watching.
That's it.
I mean, thank you for watching.
Oh, actually, there's something else, as well.
Sorry, I've got to tell you this as well, which is quite important.
This is a true story, as well.
I was lying.
Look at the smile on his little face! Look at his little, happy face! You're OK.
It's all right, it's all right.
Yes! Praise be, it was a lie.
Of course it was a lie, Lee wasn't invited - of course he wasn't - to Harry and Meghan's wedding.
Do you know what I think? I think the producers of this show are just trying to turn us against each other.
They're doing a good job! Thank you for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE