The Simpsons s12e12 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Aaah! ## [Whistling.]
- Aaah! - [Laughs.]
- Ooh! - [Laughing.]
Cool.
[Homer.]
Ooh! Aaah! Ooh! Aaah! Aaah! Ooh! Aaah! - Hmm.
- ## [Homer Screaming Notes: "Mary Had A Little Lamb'".]
- [Laughing.]
- Stop that.
And get ready.
We're going to the old folks' talent show.
Now get washed up.
- With pleasure.
- ## [Homer Screaming Notes.]
- [Audience Laughing.]
- Ever notice after dialysis you always get the munchies? [Laughing.]
He's saying the stuff we all forgot.
And you know what I can't open? [Chuckles.]
Cabinets.
Can he say that? You know what else scares me? Everything.
## [Orchestra: "Sabre Dance'" By Khachaturian.]
Get that one! Faster! You gotta have time for the other ones.
Oh! Good.
Oh, no! That one's slowin' down! Oh, good.
Oh, that one's wobbly.
- Oh, you got that before I even said it.
- #What's new, pussycat # - [Bones Crack.]
- # Ow, ow, ow, ow # - #What's new, pussycat Oh, God, no ## - [Applause.]
Wasn't he great, folks? Now, all the contestants are gonna receive extra servings of honey mush.
But there can only be one winner and, uh, since Abe's already standing here, what the heck.
Wow! A free auto.
- No, keep reading.
- Oh.
Hey, let's get this down to the funeral home before they try to back out.
Hmm.
Well, this autopsy coupon appears to be valid.
What other funerary services may be provide for the predeceased? Oh, the whole deal- Coffin, tombstone, anti-stink spray.
Sir, we prefer the term "casket" to coffin and "monument" to tombstone.
We have all the leading brands of anti-stink spray.
[Homer Chuckles.]
What funny names.
[Imitating Airplane.]
He's heading into Dead Man's Curve! - Aaah! Get me out ofhere! - [Chuckling.]
Oh, the living.
Well, fortunately, this model features the "cadaver cam.
" [Frantic Cries.]
[Laughs.]
Look at him go.
That thing got picture-in-picture? Of course.
This is the Contempo.
[Audience Cheering.]
Aw, geez.
How come they never call traveling anymore? This is the deluxe area.
The caskets are buried in unused, virgin graves the monuments are completely self-cleaning and there is an optional "weeping widow" service.
[Bawling.]
Wally, Wally, Wally! [Bell Dings.]
[Bawling.]
Irving! Oh, Irving! Oh, bury me over here.
Please? Whoa, whoa.
This is gettin' kind of pricey.
Sir, what lies beyond this life is a mystery but we do know for sure that God prefers people who travel in style.
Hear that? If you cheapskate me into hell, I'll haunt you good.
Imagine this when you're sittin' on the john.
[Gibberish.]
- [Continues.]
- Okay! Okay, with mole insurance, your total comes to - $17,000.
- What? [Groans.]
Or you could just toss him in the woods and let the wolves carry him off.
It's really up to you.
- Mr.
Salesman? - Yes? We're gonna go with the wolves.
- [Growling.]
- Beat it.
[Whimpering.]
Dad, I love you this much.
But that's just under $900.
I wish I could go 17,000, but- Hmm? Hmm? Sir, if I may, think of it as an investment in extravagance.
The Mauso-Palooza can be seen from space.
It'll consume as much cement as a regulation-size tennis court.
Tennis court, eh? Oh, I can't believe we went through all that just to wind up with a tennis court.
I bet you didn't see that comin'.
You don't care what happens to me when I die.
Of course I do, Dad.
Aw.
And if it were up to me, you wouldn't die at all.
But try telling that to "Killy McGee" up there.
[Rhythmic Thudding.]
- Hey, what on earth are you doing? - Practicing tennis.
That's tennis? [Groans.]
Then what's the one where the chicks whale on each other? - Foxy boxing? - Yes! That's what I wanted.
[Wailing.]
- [Ratcheting.]
- " And finally, make sure the net is tight and springy.
" - [Grunts.]
- [Barking.]
- [Howls.]
- Hmm.
That seems about right.
You know, a tennis court can really make your house look classy.
I hear Mel Brooks has one.
I mean Sir Mel Brooks.
And it's bad news for the gophers.
- [Creaking.]
- [Both Grunting, Muttering.]
- And it's gonna do wonders for our social life.
- Yeah! It'd be nice to entertain friends and have people over.
- Hey, you got a tennis court? - Keep walkin', Flanders.
- Will do.
- Faster.
- [Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Chomping, Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
Sorry.
I grunted way too early.
[Chuckles.]
We win again.
Hey, this was a lot of fun, guys.
Yeah, we never knew nobody with their own tennis rink.
So what happens now? Is the food free, or do we pay someone? Course not.
They send ya a bill.
Well, that's why I asked.
That's how you learn- By asking, you dumb-ass.
- [Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
Can you believe it? - Kent Brockman playing on our court.
- [Woman.]
Match point.
And how about that Stephanie the weather girl? [Growls.]
- [Ball Strikes Racket.]
- Homer, ball! [Grunts, Groans.]
[Laughs.]
That's game, set and match to us.
But the real winners here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
Wow.
How do you come up with such witty remarks? - [Chuckles.]
Well- - [Static.]
Come on, come on.
Hurry up.
"I guess you could say it's my racket.
" [Chuckling.]
I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
[Gasps.]
Get off my property.
So from now on - all hats are banned from the school.
- Even bonnets? - Especially bonnets.
- I've had it with that school.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- Door.
[Humming.]
Oh! Chief Wiggum.
Are you here to make a bust of some kind? No, we're just, uh, checking- to make sure you're having a crime-free morning.
As far as I know.
- Hey, you know what would be a real crime? - What's that, Lou? Lettin' that tennis court go to waste.
Would you boys like to play tennis? Why, yes.
Yes, we would.
- Okay.
We'll be right out.
- Let's roll, Lou.
[Humming.]
- Take it, Lou.
- ## [Humming.]
- Huh? - Well! Hello, Marge.
- Lovely day for tennis, eh? - I thought you had your own court.
He did, but he had it converted into a human chessboard.
- Hey, Burns has been gone for a while.
- Let's make a run for it.
Come back, fools! Protect me.
- [Grunting.]
- [Groaning.]
- [Moe Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
Hey, check it out.
I'm surfing the net.
- [All Laughing.]
- Oh, that's good.
His clowning around is putting me at ease.
- [Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
- No.
- [Moe.]
Yes! We win again.
Will you get serious, Homer? I'd like to win at least once.
Come on, Marge.
All sports have their lovable clowns- - John Rocker, O.
J.
Simpson, Dorf.
- [Growls.]
Hey, Homer, here's a bloopie for you.
I've got it.
It's in the bag.
- Oh! [Groaning.]
- [Laughing.]
Mm-mmm.
Hey, Chief, we're gonna bust up that crack house tonight.
- We did that last night.
- Yeah, but this time we got the right address.
- Uh, you comin'? - I'd love to, Lou, but uh, I'm playing tennis at the Simpsons' again.
Oh, Maggie, are your ears burning? The Simpsons? You mean the L.
A.
Clippers of backyard tennis? Yeah.
They're easier to beat than a suspect in shackles.
- Pretty easy to beat a suspect in shackles, Chief.
- That's a joke, Lou- It's on the Simpsons and their easy "beatability.
" - [Both Laughing.]
- [Gasps.]
- I think they enjoy being humiliated.
- [Groans.]
I don't know what's sadder about the Simpsons- the fact that we mock them, or that they shall never know.
- [Groans.]
- Never, ever, ever.
- Ever.
- [Gasps.]
[Groans.]
Do I have cooties? No! Aw, this home testing kit saved me a fortune.
You'll never guess what I heard in the supermarket today.
I found out we're the laughingstock of the town.
Oh.
Well, that's bad news for Dingbat Charlie.
He's gonna be crushed.
I thought our tennis court was bringing us a little respectability.
Instead, people make fun of our lousiness.
Okay.
Now, some of that is me.
All of that is you.
You've gotta take this more seriously.
Okay, honey.
I can see this means a lot to you.
I'll practice till my elbow is swollen and discolored.
That's all I ask.
[Grunting.]
No.
It's a smooth motion.
You follow through with your racket.
- [Grunts.]
- [Rattling.]
Uh-oh.
[Explosion.]
- [Beeping.]
- You know, this is such a beautiful day.
I don't know why we don't operate outside more often.
[Continuous Beeping.]
Time of death, 10:15.
[Laughs.]
[Humming.]
Good news, honey.
I found a way to prove to the town we're not losers.
I've entered us in a doubles tournament.
- What? We're not ready to compete.
- Don't worry.
The tournament's not till tomorrow.
Okay, get ready for the serve.
[Grunts.]
Aaah! Get 'em off! Get 'em off! How embarrassing.
You take over, Bart.
Lisa! Lisa, beer me.
- I'll be right out, honey.
- Oh, that's okay.
Bart's doing fine.
You just have another beer.
Now, that's the kind of nagging I can live with.
So Barney's, like, "You're on your own, dude.
" And I'm, like, "Not even.
" - I don't know what this has to do with the Civil War.
- I'm getting to that.
- [Marge Groans.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Marge, Bart Grunting.]
- Lookin' good, honey.
I think you and I might just win this tournament dealie.
Hey, Bart.
- Yeah! You got your daddy's hustle.
- [Grunting.]
Too busy to reply, huh? I know how that goes.
Well, I think I'll go lay out my clothes for the tournament.
[Humming.]
Perfect.
[Humming.]
[Scatting.]
Well, I'm ready for the big tournament.
- Hey there, son.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
[Chuckles.]
With that little outfit on everyone's gonna think you're playing in the tournament.
- I am playing in the tournament.
- [Chuckles.]
It's gonna be tough without a partner.
- I've got a partner.
- Well, good for you.
Anyone I know? - Yeah, you know her.
- Oh! Hello, Homer.
Good morning, partner.
Uh, there's something I should tell you.
The name of Bart's partner? I'm all ears.
Well, actually the name of Bart's partner is, uh- - Yes, darling? - I'm Bart's partner.
No! No, no, no.
You're my partner.
- Dude, I think the lady's made her decision.
- I'm sorry, Homie.
We'll talk about it later, okay? No! [Whimpering.]
- Traitors! - [Glass Shatters.]
- [Brakes Squealing.]
- Uh-oh.
I don't think they saw me.
I'm gonna put my trophy on the mantel.
How about you? I was thinking mantel too.
Talk about being on the same wavelength.
Hello, Marge.
Hello, Bart.
How are the tennis partners? Oh, Homie, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Don't touch me.
Your hands feel like salad tongs.
I just wanted to win for once.
Please don't take it as a threat to your manhood.
[Gasps.]
My manhood? I never thought of that.
We were good, Dad.
They asked us to play in the Krusty Klassic.
It's for charity.
It benefits victims of balcony collapse.
We can wipe out B.
C.
In our lifetime.
I don't care about B.
C.
I care about M.
E.
- My enjoyment.
[Bawling.]
It's obvious what's happening.
I'm being replaced by a younger, more in-your-face version of me.
Dad, you're just going through a classic oedipal anxiety.
You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you? Well, maybe five bucks would refresh my memory.
[Groans.]
Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Ugh! Who pays for that wedding? I'm just saying you feel threatened by Bart, but it's all in your head.
You're right.
But just to be safe, maybe I should chain him up.
- Dad, I think you're overreacting.
- I think you're under-reacting.
- This session's over.
- This session's under.
- Good-bye.
- Bad-bye.
[Moaning.]
No.
No! Stay away from my wife, Bart.
Darling, you're so much "handsomer" than my first husband.
I may have the looks, but he's the trophy husband.
[Evil Laugh.]
He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun but it was the perfect place to shoot him.
[Moaning.]
That's the guy.
That's the guy from my dream.
Go ahead and smile, smart guy.
I'm gonna mop you up like turkey gravy.
[Grunts.]
Are you sure you want me to be your doubles partner? - Absolutely, sweetie.
- And you're not doing it out of spite? [Laughing.]
No, of course not.
Now, aim for your mother's heart.
Ew! Dad, I don't want to enter the tournamentjust to hurt Mom.
Oh, come on.
You've been gunnin' for queen bee ever since you buzzed into this hive.
- Now serve.
- [Grunts.]
Lisa! Did you make that awful effigy? Hey, leave my teammate alone.
Lisa's your teammate? [Laughing.]
What's so funny? I'm better than you.
Now, Lisa, you know that's not true.
How would you know? Your backhand looks like a rusty gate.
- Well, you little- Come on, Bart.
- Babies.
[Chomping.]
[All Growling.]
Telegram for Lisa Simpson.
[Imitates Opening Envelope.]
- Don't listen.
It's a trick.
- Dear Lisa.
Psych! Psych, psych, psych.
Signed, super psych.
I think he's trying to psych you out.
Look, we're all trying to have dinner so why don't we just- Psych, psych, psych! [Crowd Cheering.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
[Both Groan.]
Oh, where did you buy that novelty hand, sir? This? Oh, it's just fluid collecting.
[Sloshing.]
Hey, hey! What do you think, folks? I hope I don't get arrested for racket earring.
- [Sparse Chuckling.]
- Huh? Huh? Aw, what do you want? I'm not gonna do "A" material for charity.
And after all, that is why we're here.
Well, look who's here.
- You two are goin' down.
- No, we're not.
You're going down.
Did you hear that? She said we're going down.
All we can do is play our very best.
Oh, that's loser talk.
[Bawling.]
Now I'd like to introduce two of the tennis world's most unbeatable players- - Venus and Serena Williams.
- [Crowd Cheering.]
Unbeatable, eh? - Comin' through! Hey, hi, Otto.
- [Groaning.]
[Slurping.]
Sorry.
- [Chuckles.]
- What are you doing? - That's our dad's seat.
- Hey, that's great.
Listen, I need a new doubles partner.
My little girl's a lead weight.
You're dumping your own daughter? Yeah, but only to crush my wife and son.
- That's horrible! - Yeah, that's pretty low.
- Hmm.
You seem less disgusted.
Let's go.
- Aaah! Our next match is Marge and Bart Simpson- - [Homer.]
Boo! You rot! - [Crowd Cheering.]
- Versus Homer and Lisa- - Bup-bup.
Sorry.
That's Homer and Venus Simpson.
[Murmuring.]
Venus Simpson? You're replacing me? Now, Lisa, "dumping" is such a harsh word.
- Let's just say I'm replacing you.
- [Moans.]
[Bell Dings.]
- [Gasps.]
- [Wiggum.]
Fifteen love.
Once again, I'm outraged by this last-minute switch.
We all got problems.
I dropped my cookie.
- [Gun Cocks.]
- You sure you wanna risk it? It's totally unfair for one side to have a professional player.
All right, all right.
You guys can have Serena.
[Groaning.]
I just ate a personal pizza.
- You're dumping me? - Honey, I'll make it up to you in bottle rockets.
[Groans.]
Okay, swing.
Run.
- Hit the thing.
Now run across the- - [Grunts.]
- Yeah.
- [Grunts.]
Whoopsie.
Marge, how bad do you wanna win? Oh.
Oh, I'd do anything.
Good.
Yo, Pete.
Pete Sampras.
- Hmm? - Get over here.
Yes! I'm in.
- Hmm? - [Laughing.]
Everybody's been dumped but me.
I'm "un-dumpable.
" - [Man.]
Yoink.
- My tennis stick.
- Who are you? - I'm Andre Agassi.
- The wrestler? - Come on, tubby.
Get off the court.
Scat! Come on, let's play.
I've gotta tape a Ho Hos commercial.
- Which one am I, Serena or Venus? - You're Andre.
I'm Serena.
[Laughs.]
You're a girl.
Why don't we stop this nonsense? I'm not mad anymore.
Me neither.
I'm just enjoying some world-class tennis.
You know, there's a lesson here for all of us- - It's better to watch stuff than to do stuff.
- Amen.
After the tournament, let's go out for a nice family dinner.
[Chuckles.]
Courtesy of Pete Sampras.
D-oh! Sorry.
[Chuckles.]
[Homer.]
Sucker.
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!