The Simpsons s12e16 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
- [Electricity Crackling.]
- [Homer Groaning.]
[Man Announcing.]
Hey, kids.
Look who's making breakfast.
- [Both Chuckle.]
- Itchy and Scratchy? That's right, kids! Never start the day on an empty stomach.
- It's delicious.
Want to try? - [Together.]
Yea! [Groaning.]
Ooh! So cold.
Wow! Pink daggers! - Green hatchets! - Yellow ice picks! And Stabby-Oh's are part of this nutritious breakfast.
- Hey.
If you guys made breakfast, where's Mom? - [Woman.]
Here I am.
But thanks to Stabby-Oh's, most of me is still in bed.
That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Ah, what can you do? Sex sells.
[Gasps.]
Homer, you're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
They said if I come in late again, I'm fired.
I can't take that chance.
- And, kids, you're gonna miss the school bus.
- [Horn Honks.]
[Gasps.]
It's only two blocks away! [Both Gasp.]
[Both Groaning.]
- But I gotta spit.
- You can spit on the bus.
[All Grunting.]
- Uh, Mom.
- Not now, Lisa.
[Groans.]
[Grunting.]
Chew, chew, chew! Swallow, swallow, swallow! [Gagging.]
Mmm! - [Panting.]
- [Horn Honks.]
Aw, darn.
Looks like we'll have to stay home today.
Not on my watch! [Horn Honks.]
- Stop! Stop! - [Horn Honking.]
Oh, you want to drag? - [All.]
Yeah! - [Gasps, Groans.]
I'm not racing! It's me, Marge Simpson.
No.
You eat my dust! Hoo-hoo! [Children Chattering.]
[Children Shouting.]
[All Squealing.]
Whoa! It's like Speed 2 only with a bus instead of a boat.
[Children Shouting.]
[Horn Honks.]
[Gasps.]
I did it! I caught the school bus! - Now hurry up and get on.
- But, Mom, the school's right here.
I won.
Don't take that away from me.
Okay.
Everybody off.
Oops.
Almost forgot.
- Picking up a new kid today.
- [All Groan.]
- [Chattering.]
- Wow.
A new kid.
I wonder what they're like.
[Sighs.]
- [Hissing.]
- [All Whimpering.]
- Help me! Help me! - [Sighs.]
- [Braying.]
- [Giggles.]
- [All Grumbling.]
- [Girl.]
Aw, man.
- Red hair? - What's she trying to pull? Those shoes look Canadian.
She'll never fit in.
Oh, it's tough being the new kid.
Someone should go talk to her.
Yeah.
Somebody should.
One Hour Dry Cleaner? Man, that's fast.
- Kids gone? - Yep.
It's great to have some time just to ourselves, huh? You read my mind.
So this coffee's good, huh? Yeah.
The, uh- The milk really takes the edge off.
You know, I think our marriage is- - [Doorbell Rings.]
- [Both.]
I got it! - No, I got it.
- No, I do.
Your baby is dead.
- [Both Gasp.]
- That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of death traps lurking in the average American home.
[Exhales.]
"Springfield Baby-Proofing"? You-You really scared us.
Sorry about that.
But the truth is your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead! - [Both Gasp.]
- Dead tired of baby-proofers who don't provide a free estimate.
Let's start in the kitchen.
Now, pretend I'm a baby.
[Cooing.]
Me like to explore.
That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Homer, don't be-Wow, that is huge.
[Chuckling.]
Ooh! Pretty colors.
Me want a drink.
[Grunting.]
Oh! [Grunting.]
[Grunting.]
[Gasps.]
She got it open.
You see how quickly your baby could have been drinking this "Similac Baby Formula"? No! [Grunting.]
[Pants.]
Oh.
This is such an eye-opener.
I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.
Okay.
With the window bars, toilet latches dingo alarm and grapefruit squirt shield, your total cost would be- - Wow! I'm rich! - Three dollars? - That doesn't seem so bad.
- That's the price of the clipboard.
- Here's your estimate.
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
[Screams.]
We don't need your high-price safety junk.
Thank you.
Look at the new kid hogging the teeter-totter.
It's like she owns the place.
Yeah! She thinks she's Babe: Pig in the City.
Give her a break.
Remember your first day at school? Not as long as I keep taking these.
Well, someone's gotta make her feel welcome.
Hi there.
My name's Lisa.
What's yours? [Groans.]
[Groaning.]
Now don't feel bad, honey.
Did you know back in grade school, I had a bully problem myself? Everybody was kung fu fighting [Plays Melody.]
- #Those cats were fast as lightning ## - [Groaning.]
- Good times.
- [Groans.]
Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? - See if you two have a common interest.
- Hmm.
Well, lots of people like jazz fusion.
[Jazz.]
Okay.
That's in the maybe file.
What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacy dolls? What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacy dolls? They're not dolls.
They're aspiration figures.
But it might work.
That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets.
But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
- She's not afraid of bunnies.
- She will be.
Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start.
So- Hey! You like Malibu Stacy too.
Oh, yeah.
[Gasps.]
And you like the same one I like with the grad student glamour pack just like the one in my Iocker.
That's mine, isn't it? [Groans, Gasps.]
- Tastes like yours.
- [Gasps, Whimpers.]
How aboutjazz? Do you likejazz? [Milhouse.]
I like jazz.
Milhouse? She got you too? Yeah, but it's not so bad.
I'm standing on Ralph.
[Ralph.]
We're a totem pole.
[Chanting.]
[Whistling.]
There and there.
See, honey? Daddy's protecting you from all the sharp, scary things.
Here.
Hold this a sec.
- [Nail Gun Fires.]
- Ow! - Oh, my- - [Giggling.]
Ow! Okay, Maggie.
Put it down.
Ow! Okay now.
Put- [Gasps.]
it- [Gasps.]
down.
[Gasps.]
Oh! [Chuckles.]
Okay.
That's quite enough.
It's not funny anymore.
D'oh! D'oh! [Grumbles.]
[Gasps.]
No, no, no! Oh, Homie.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ow.
Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every three minutes.
I'm the one who told you that.
Yeah, but this is me talking.
Look.
I already encased the telephone in concrete.
How are you supposed to dial? Reach into these holes.
I use a carrot.
Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous? - Baby could order poison.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
[Beeping.]
[Man.]
Poison Delivery Service.
A gift basket of poisons is on its way.
Oh, I'm a horrible mother.
Of course you are.
Marge, I finally discovered the reason God made me- to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures.
And I've got to share that gift with the world.
- Ow! - [Gasps.]
- Get her out of here.
- [Groans.]
[Shouts.]
Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself? Your very question is faulty.
You're faulty! - [Laughing.]
- Knock, knock.
What do you want? Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work? Oh, this is so funny.
We were just talking about moving into protection.
We're offering a recess and lunch package that's very affordable.
Well, I'm gonna need full coverage.
My bully is highly aggressive.
- Check out these Indian burns.
- Good technique.
- Check it out.
- Ho-ho! Triple twist! Nice work! - You sure this was done by hand? - Yeah.
She's a real purist.
- [Gasps.]
- "She"? Sorry.
We don't do girls.
- They bite and kick and scratch.
- And sometimes we fall in love.
- [All Sigh.]
- Wow.
There's so much I don't understand about bullying.
Yeah.
There's a lot of history there.
Did you know it predates agriculture? - Mm-mmm.
- Let's walk.
- Finish the job.
- [Grunts.]
I just don't understand Francine's motivation.
[Both Groan.]
[Humming.]
Why does she only go after the smart ones? That's like asking the square root of a million.
No one will ever know.
Someone will.
I'm gonna crack the bully code.
Oh, de, doo, doo Saving those babies And the soft spots on their head Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Problem: A pointy deity.
And I've got the perfect solution.
## [Humming.]
- Hmm? - Oh, thank you.
No more Shiva-related pokings.
Yeah.
And, you know, down the line - you might want to switch to a nice, round Buddha.
- [Both Gasp.]
- But we are Hindu.
- So am I, but I don't get all huffy about it.
# Just had a whim to go take a swim # # Out on a limb Just haul off andjump right in # # Slow down Buckle up # # Take the time, rehearse # # Always safety first ## - [Children Laughing.]
- [Bubble Wrap Popping.]
Ach.
'Tis a mighty puddle of puke.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right, lad.
It reminds me why I got into this business.
Willie, I need to see the school security tapes.
Security tapes? There's no security tapes.
- It's hard to miss the cameras.
- [Beeping.]
Aye.
Willie's a stinkin' liar.
Why does the school need to watch us all the time? - School? - Oh, here's the tape I need.
Oh, my God.
That roll of towels is nearing the end! Ach! It's on double red stripe! [Gasps.]
How did she know I was there? Hey.
That time she looked right at me and didn't touch me.
Hmm.
[Gasps.]
Of course.
The nose clip.
Hey, Willie.
I think I'm onto something.
Check this out.
Not talking, eh, Willie? Just listen then.
I think I figured out what sets off that big ape Francine.
Willie? Willie? Whoa! - [Punches Landing.]
- [Lisa Groaning.]
- [Thuds.]
- Aha! [All Panting.]
Come on, people! Move it! I want to see some sweat.
I am not mastering another stair until you explain the purpose of this monstrous experiment.
I believe the key to bully/nerd antagonism lies in your drippings.
- Then I shall drip like a pot roast.
- Excellent.
Now don't mind the squeegee.
- [Squeaking.]
- [Whimpers.]
- [Loud Scraping.]
- Ah.
Oh, the scraping seems wrong but it feels so right.
And so, as, uh, heavyweight champion recognized by nine of the 14 sanctioning bodies I sincerely urge you all to stay in school.
- Uh, thank you.
- [Cheering.]
Thank you, Drederick Tatum.
That was truly a K.
O.
"Knockout Oration.
" [Chuckles.]
- Need a ride home? - You really don't want that.
Trust me.
Mr.
Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag? No.
Not at all.
Swab away.
Whoa, whoa.
Nobody mentioned a beaker.
Please? It's for science.
Oh, for science.
In that case, proceed.
- Lisa, this is outrageous.
Explain yourself.
- Shh! It's working.
Look.
[Whimpers.]
- Nelson, what are you doing? - I don't know.
I can't help myself.
[Grunts.]
- Hey.
Cut it out.
I insist that you desist.
- [Grunting.]
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Yes! - [Sobs.]
- Please don't hurt me.
- You leave me little recourse.
[Man Announcing.]
And now the Estrogen Network presents Afternoon Yak.
[Applause.]
- Men.
- [All.]
Boo! Canceled.
The safe baby craze.
It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent.
That's me! Safety dance! You can dance You can dance Everybody look at your pants But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe he's made infant-related businesses cry- all the way away from the bank.
- How are your baby crutch sales? - Uh, terrible, Kent.
And cartoon character Band-Aids, forget about it.
- [Cooing.]
- Look at this baby.
Not a scratch on him.
And I got boat payments.
The dream is over.
Shut her down, boys.
[Whistle Blows.]
Dear God.
What have I done? Babies of Springfield, we need your help.
Please, skin your knees.
Put dice up your nose.
Let cats sleep on your face! The problem: Constant flying saucer attacks.
[Whistling.]
The solution- And thus the Earth is saved.
- Hurrah.
- [Man.]
That's a winner, Steve.
That's quite an act to follow, Lisa.
I know.
And the crowd is so distinguished.
The inventor of the walkie-talkie is out there.
- Where? - Third row, near the aisle.
[Gasps.]
Ooh.
You're right.
And that's not his wife.
- [Crowd Murmuring.]
- Scientists.
Scientists, please.
Looking for some order.
Some order, please with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying of attention.
- Pi is exactly three! - [All Gasp.]
Very sorry that it had to come to that, but now that I have your attention we have some exciting new research from young Lisa Simpson.
- Let's bring her out and pay attention.
- [Applause.]
- She's just a little girl.
- In the larval stage.
- Silly.
Let's not listen.
[Clears Throat.]
My study is entitled " Airborne Pheromones and Aggression in Bullies.
" - [All.]
Bullies? - I'm afraid.
For as long as there have been smart people there have been bullies to prey on them.
From Galileo to Sir Isaac Newton and even in the animal kingdom.
But why do the brawny prey on the brainy? - Is it jealousy? - [All.]
Yes.
Yes.
No.
The reason is chemical.
- [All Disagreeing.]
- Not possible.
- That's impossible.
Chemicals are our friend.
- [Man.]
She's a witch.
Please, Dr.
Koop.
Let me demonstrate.
[Grumbles.]
This is my test subject, Francine.
[Growling, Snarls.]
- [All Gasp.]
- I'd like to thank her parents for helping with the caging.
Let me out of here! I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork and four-eyes.
I call it "Poindextrose.
" Whoo-hoo! Simpsons rule! Sorry.
[Sniffing.]
You're dead, nerd! The bully has caught my scent, and she's at maximum rage.
- Professor Frink.
- [Francine Grunting.]
- Very well, Lisa.
I'll just finagle this- glayvin.
- [Crowd Murmuring.]
Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole! [Roars.]
- Huh? - My God, she stopped in her tracks.
The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent.
- Silly.
- Let's not listen.
Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing.
- [All Gasp.]
- So that's where that went.
The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless.
[Cheering.]
Congratulations, Lisa.
You are truly the standout of this year's Big Science Thing.
A gift certificate from JCPenney? Yes.
You'll love their slacks.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.
So all her bullying was just to get some attention.
No, Dad.
Didn't you listen to anything I said? Just to get some attention.
Lisa, help! [Francine Muttering, Grunting.]
- Yes! Yes! I'm gonna- - [Gasps.]
- The repellent's all gone.
- Don't worry.
She'll punch herself out.
Suck fist, Dr.
Dork! Someone's gonna sleep well tonight.
- [Chuckling.]
- [Whimpering.]
- [Groans.]
- What a cutie.
Look at her pound that nerd.
[Both Groaning.]
- [Groans.]
- [Sniffing.]
[Screams.]
[Screams.]
# I'm feeling free # # I'll go climb a tree # # Oh, monkey me I'm just like a chimpanzee # # But it's way too high and so this time I'll just pretend # # Oh # # Then I will live to climb again # # Oh, oh # # Oh, oh # # Ah, just remember# # Always safety first ##