The Simpsons s12e18 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
- Whee! - Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! - [Groans.]
D'oh! Son of a diddly! - ## [Rock.]
- Mm-hmm.
[Humming.]
- [Marge.]
Breakfast! - [Whistling.]
Breakfast? [Giggling.]
[Groans.]
Cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.
It's a healthy cereal from Europe.
Müeslix! [All Shuddering.]
They also make Juice-lix.
[Grunting.]
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- That's Milhouse.
- [Ringing Frantically.]
- And it sounds like he has big news! - Yech! - [Groans.]
I'll get us out of this.
Say, Dad.
Wanna go see my project for the school science fair? No, Lisa.
But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast.
[Snickers.]
Meet Linguo, the grammar robot.
I built him all by myself.
If you misuse language, he'll correct you.
Well, let's put him to the test.
Me love beer.
I love beer.
- Oh, he loves beer.
Here, little fella.
- Dad, no! - Error.
- I'm sorry.
I thought he was a party robot.
Oh! This is why I can't have nice things.
[Groaning.]
Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and- - [Sniffing.]
- ## [Humming.]
- Ooh! Can I have a brownie? - They're for after dinner.
- Ooh! Can I have dinner? - You can't have a brownie, period.
- Homer wants a brownie.
I'm gonna get one.
- No.
- Coming in from the left.
- Stop it.
- Or is it the right? Look out for the reach-around! - Homer! He shoots, he sc- [Screams.]
My thumb! - Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! - I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! [Groaning.]
Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge! Well, calm down.
If we hurry, they can reattach your thumb.
Reattach a thumb? This isn't Gattaca! - We've just gotta get your thumb to the- - [Both Gasp.]
Where did it go? - [Gasps.]
- [Growling.]
Okay, boy.
Drop the thumb.
[Growling.]
Nobody's gonna tackle you.
[Grunts.]
D'oh! Come back with my thumb! This better be good.
I cut off my husband's thumb.
Attempted murder? You'll burn for this- burn in jail! - It was an accident! - Yeah, yeah.
Save it for Dateline Tuesday.
Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you? Arrest me? Um, my address it's, um, 123 Fake Street.
Got it.
- Come on! Come on, boy.
- [Barking.]
Oh, please give it back! You want people food? I can get you people food.
- [Barks.]
- Oh! I have nothing he wants! And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends - went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft.
- Yea! - [Barks.]
- What the diddlio? - Give me back my thumb! - [Barking.]
- [Grunts.]
- [Whimpers.]
[Whistle Tooting.]
[Gasps, Grunts.]
[Crying.]
[Marge.]
We've gotta get to the hospital, Homer! Okay.
If the doctor asks why you cut it off you caught me in bed with four beautiful women.
- Let's just say that Bart did it.
- [Crash.]
Oh, doodlebugs.
My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.
- [Grunts.]
- Homer, help! [Homer Whispering.]
Marge! Over here! - [Tires Screeching.]
- [Yelling.]
[Door Sensor Dinging.]
I'm sorry, Homer.
Your H.
M.
O.
Doesn't cover this type of injury.
But I have finger insurance! - A thumb is not a finger.
- Isn't there anything you can do? Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.
Symmetry, eh? Hibbert's really losing it.
We're going to Dr.
Nick's.
We need more ice.
My thumb is fading fast! Quick! Moe, Marge cut off my thumb! No problem.
Just stick the old eye gouger in the pickle brine.
- That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.
- Thanks, Moe.
Hey, ain't you gonna have a beer? Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all.
Although I do like the occasional beer.
Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs.
And the Smurfs- They suck! [Sniffing.]
Uh-oh.
I smell gangrene.
- We gotta wake him up.
- A little coffee'll do the trick.
[Muttering.]
What? I gotta get to Dr.
Nick's! Where's Marge? Oh, that is so rude.
Oh! I know.
I'll hitchhike! Oh, why isn't this working? ## [Country On Car Stereo.]
- Hey, thanks for stopping.
- T'ain't nothin'.
You and me share a common infirmity.
If anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger, they's lyin'.
- [Tires Screeching.]
- [Clucking.]
Oh, crap! It's on fire! Inflammable means flammable? What a country! Can you drive me to Shelbyville Hospital? - I reckon so.
Hey! - [Tires Screeching.]
Somebody done "stolded" my wheels! Thanks a lot.
Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.
[Horn Honking.]
[Moans.]
It's too late.
Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come.
Say good-bye to your brother.
- [Explosion.]
- What the hell! [Gasps.]
Linguo dead? Linguo is - dead.
- [Powering Off.]
Son of a diddly! [New Age.]
[Marge.]
Breakfast! - [Doorbell Rings.]
- That's Milhouse.
- [Ringing Frantically.]
- And it sounds like he has big news! - Yech! - [Groans.]
I'll get us out of this.
Say, Dad.
Wanna go see my project for the school science fair? No, Lisa.
But I sure don't wanna eat this crappy breakfast.
- Here, little fella.
- Dad, no! - Error.
- I'm sorry.
I thought he was a party robot.
Oh! This is why I can't have nice things! [Groaning.]
- Every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and- - [Sniffing.]
Hang on, Linguo.
You'll be up and conjugating in no time.
[Homer Screams.]
My thumb! Quiet, please.
Some of us are trying to weld.
Almost done.
Just lay still.
- Lie still.
- I knew that.
Just testing.
Sentence fragment.
"Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
- Must conserve battery power.
- [Powers Off.]
- Just come on.
- [Horn Honking.]
Uh-oh! The bus! Hey, stop! Wait! Oh! Any day but science project day! Kiss first place good-bye, Lisa! - [Sinister Laughter.]
- [Electrical Crackling.]
Oh, no! Somebody took my bike! [Groans.]
Mom, I need a ride to school! [Marge.]
We gotta get to the hospital, Homer! [Groans.]
[Screams.]
Idiot! You almost ran over a viewer! And she's in our key demo! Sorry about that, kid.
Need a ride? - Can you take me to school, Krusty? - Hop in.
Hey, moron.
Springfield Elementary, and step on it.
[Chittering.]
[Siren Wails.]
Hey, Teeny, you know where Ah, it's okay.
Hey, we got the same hat.
- Thanks, Mr.
Teeny.
- [Chitters.]
- Wha- - [Speaking French.]
[Repeating In French.]
Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class.
I do not know this Mademoiselle Hoover of which you speak.
What's happening? Where am I? Sacre bleu! What a foolish question! You are at West Springfield Elementary School.
West Springfield? I'm at the wrong school! - [All Laughing.]
- En Français.
[Haughty Laughter.]
[Gasps.]
Sorry.
I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school.
[Giggles.]
Can you believe that? It's understandable.
All the schools in this area were built from identical plans.
I guess they didn't have enough money to hire I.
M.
Pei.
Oh.
You know about I.
M.
Pei? I am impressed.
[Nerdy Laughter.]
- My name's Thelonious.
- As in Monk? Yes.
The esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.
- What do your friends call you? - I don't really have any friends.
[Gasps.]
Just like me! ## [Pop.]
Oh, my God! It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours.
I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo.
Oh, but I don't want to leave you.
You must.
You can't sacrifice grades for romance.
- That's not the girl I fell for.
- Will I ever see you again? Of course you will at the magnet high school.
Now, go.
[Panting.]
Hmm.
It's noon.
That's about when Dad gets the brew shakes.
My dad's not here? I need a ride to school! - Yeah, yeah.
We all got problems.
- [Whimpering.]
Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency! No can do, doll face.
I got an informant wearing a wire.
[Chuckles.]
Just like on Nash Bridges.
- We're trying to get the goods on some smugglers.
- [Frequency Whirring.]
[Fat Tony.]
Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
- That sounds like Fat Tony.
- Only one way to be sure.
Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? [Man.]
Hey, where's that voice coming from? - [Man #2.]
This guy's wearing a wire! - [Fat Tony.]
Take him out! [Gunfire.]
My bad.
I can't work my answering machine either.
[Chuckles.]
Now I need a new informant.
Say, Lisa, people trust you.
How would you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but- Oh.
Quick! Moe, Marge cut off my thumb! - [Horn Honking.]
- Lisa! Mom, where'd you get that car? I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb.
Can you take me to school, please? Not right now.
Your father's in there, and- [Homer.]
Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Oh, he's on the Blue Man Group again.
Come on.
We've got lots of time.
- [Engine Sputters, Stalls.]
- Oh, no! We're out of gas.
I couldn't figure out this stupid Italian gas gauge.
I've gotta get to school! [Country On Car Stereo.]
Hmm.
Let's hitch a ride with that hick.
Abracathumbra! [Laughing.]
Dang! You could be one of them TV magic queers.
- [Tires Screeching.]
- [Clucking.]
[Both Yell.]
- Shoo! - Mom, I have to get to school! It's 10 to 3:00! Well, I've already borrowed one car.
Let's go! Somebody done "stolded" my wheels.
Thanks a lot! Now I gotta walk to Shelbyville.
There's the school! First place, here I come.
[Gasps.]
Look out! - Bart! - [Tires Screeching.]
[Gasps, Screams.]
Son of a diddly! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Lazy, eh? Get him, boys! - ## [Theme.]
- Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Okay, okay! [Marge.]
Breakfast! - [Doorbell Rings.]
- That's Milhouse.
- [Ringing Frantically.]
- And it sounds like he has big news! - I found something awesome in the woods! - Is it a dead body? - It's cooler than a million dead bodies! - [Snickers.]
You take my sister's bike.
Let's see.
Front door.
Back door.
Skinner's.
Flanders'.
Your house.
Ah! Lisa's bike.
- What's it like riding a girl's bike? - It's disturbingly comfortable.
Whoa! How'd you find it? - This is where I come to cry.
- Cool.
Wow! Sacks! - Burlap sacks! - It gets better.
They're full of fireworks! Bottle rockets, frog launchers, Weeping Mamas.
Tijuana Toilet Crackers! [Bart.]
Three, two, one.
Gnomes, blow up.
[Both Laughing Hysterically.]
[Grunting Loudly.]
- [High-pitched Screaming.]
- We're not ready! [Sinister Chuckle.]
- [Grunts.]
- Uh-oh.
So what are we doing, a lengthening or a widening? Yarr.
Uh, let's make it both.
- Garr! - Don't worry.
It's inflammable.
Let's keep this our little secret.
- [Siren Wailing.]
- We gotta hide! We'll be safe in here.
Here we are.
The home of Knifey Wifey.
Hey, Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.
[Chuckling.]
Ah, sure.
Whatever you want, birthday boy.
Okay, drop the knife, Stabitha! - [Both Grunt.]
- Great grilled-cheese ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
There's enough Chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time.
I can't go to juvie.
They use guys like me as currency! Yeah.
They'll pass you around like- Well, like currency, like you said.
Maybe we can make you boys a deal.
Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.
"Hootie and the Blowfish"? Yeah.
It's cheaper than blank tape.
Great idea to smuggle fireworks, boss.
Yeah, I was gettin' sick of running those unions.
So much paperwork.
Knock-knock.
Excuse me.
My friend and I were interested in purchasing quality fireworks.
Yes, we are.
Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
[Wiggum On Radio.]
Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? - Hey, where's that voice coming from? - This guy's wearin' a wire! Take him out! [Grunting.]
Whoa! - [Wiggum.]
My bad.
- [Grunts.]
Hey, there they are! - Gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters.
- Shoulder or ankle? Surprise me.
- [Both Whimpering.]
- [Groaning.]
Milhouse, quick! [Gasps.]
Look out! - Bart! - [Gasps, Screams.]
[Clunks.]
- Ow! Mom! - [Milhouse.]
Hurry up, Bart! [Tires Screeching.]
[Both Panting, Gasping.]
You ain't goin' nowhere! You leave those boys alone! - [Grunts.]
- [Yelling.]
Hey, they's throwin' robots! They are throwing robots.
He's disrespecting us.
Shutuppayouface! Shut up your face.
- What's-a matta, you? - You ain't so big.
Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza! [Stammering.]
Bad grammar overload! Error! Error! - [Explosion.]
- What the hell! [Gasps.]
Linguo dead? [Both Shuddering.]
It's all right, boys.
Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay.
Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project.
I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments.
Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.
There you go.
Enjoy your thumb.
[Lisa.]
As the circulation returns the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery.
It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced Mob doctor.
He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain.
That's a first place science project, Lisa.
[All Cheering.]
Boy, this sure was one crazy day.
- Right, Mr.
Teeny? - [Chuckling.]
[All Laughing.]
[Chittering Loudly.]
- [Laughter.]
- [French Teacher.]
En Français.
[Haughty Laughter.]