The Simpsons s12e21 Episode Script

[Chorus.]
#The Simpsons # [Bell Ringing.]
[Whistle Blowing.]
[Beeping.]
[Jazzy Solo.]
[Beeping.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
I can't believe it! We won another contest.
- The Simpsons are going to Delaware! - I wanna see Wilmington! - I wanna visit a screen door factory.
- Yep.
Delaware's got it all.
You're next, Mr.
Simpson.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Airport tax: Five dollars? - Sir, it's a standard fee.
Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax.
Waive it! [Train Horn Blaring.]
Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws! - [Grunts.]
- [Grunts.]
[Both Grunt.]
The Simpsons are riding the rails! Cool.
A dead hobo.
[Grunts.]
- [All Scream.]
- Mornin', folks.
- What are you gonna do to us? - Now, don't worry.
I'm not a stabbin' hobo.
I'm a singin' hobo.
- [All Sigh.]
- # Nothin' beats the hobo life # Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife - # I gouge them-## - Excuse me, Hobo.
Can you play something a little less unnerving? [Chuckles.]
Sure.
I was just having a little fun with you "nobos.
" Uh, here's a ballad that'll set fire to your trash can.
## [Banjo.]
Won't you listen to my tale that's 10 stories tall 'Bout a king-sized woodsman name a Bunyan, comma, Paul - [Birds Twittering.]
- [Dr.
Riviera.]
Congratulations, Mr.
Bunyan.
- It's a boy! - [Babbling Incoherently.]
Jeezum crow! - How was it, honey? - Whiskey, please.
- Me "hungee.
" - [Mooing.]
[Hobo.]
# Born mighty big he continued to expand # # Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland # Hey! [Giggles.]
[Straining.]
I'll get ya! [Whimpers, Yells.]
# His body grew big but his brain stayed small # # He was tree-choppin', friend-stompin' house-crushin'Paul ## [Sniffing.]
Me hungee! Time to make Paul's breakfast.
Hey, Paul, flapjacks! - [Giggling.]
- [People Screaming.]
Flapjacks! [Drooling.]
[All Screaming.]
Out of the frying pan! Yuck! All right, uh, let's get started on lunch.
- And-Wait.
Where's Lenny? - [Lenny.]
Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think I found a way out.
It's not pretty, but it'll do.
All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan.
We're going bankrupt just feedin' and clothin' the guy not to mention the crushings.
- [All Murmuring In Agreement.]
- Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town.
Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
- [All Murmuring In Agreement.]
- Yeah, that's a great idea! Hmm.
## [Humming.]
Uh, hey, Paulie? What say we buy you a beer? [Soft Laughter.]
Aw, you guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus could have.
[Muttering Incoherently.]
Good Lord! Brought down by one beer? And a couple of these babies.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the barn dance.
- [All Straining.]
- [Man.]
Watch his head.
[Mutters, Gasps.]
Where am I? Oh, they don't want me anymore.
[Groans Softly.]
[Hobo.]
# Paul was just as lonely as a man could get # # So he took out his ax and he carved himself a pet ## And now- [Grunts.]
Oh, boy.
I wish you were real.
[Sighs.]
Mmm.
[Snoring.]
Hey, what the- [Giggling.]
Oh, it's a miracle! I'll call you Babe.
You'll be my best friend.
[Hobo.]
So Paul and his blue ox Babe traveled all across this great land, leavin'their mark.
[Bellowing.]
[Mumbling Incoherently.]
- [Grunting.]
- [Screeching.]
Excuse me.
Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan.
And his size seems to be really inconsistent.
I mean, one minute, he's 10 feet tall.
The next, his feet are as big as a lake.
- Hey, hey, hey! Who's the hobo here? - I'm just sayin'.
# Now Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match # - # But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch ## - Huh? [Gasps.]
She's pretty.
[Gasps.]
Oh.
What a handsome man.
- [Screams.]
- [Giggling.]
- [Screaming.]
- Got ya! Don't worry.
I won't smush you.
- You're cute.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- ## [Humming.]
- Hey, what are you doing? - I just wanna spruce up for our date.
- Oh.
[Giggling.]
Whoo-hoo! [Blowing.]
[Chuckles.]
- [Grunts.]
- Mmm! [Groans.]
Oh! We've been together a long time now.
- When are we gonna, you know- - Soon.
I just need a few more yoga classes.
Oh, look! A shooting star.
Hey, that meteor's headed straight for us with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain! Pain in the glayvin! [Indistinct.]
God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love.
- No! We're gonna die! - [All Clamoring.]
There's only one man who can save us.
Oh, I get it.
When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me.
But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mr.
Popular.
Yeah.
That's pretty much it.
Whoo-hoo! I'm Mr.
Popular! [Giggling.]
Come on.
Right across the plate.
Let's see what you got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy that I crippled.
[Marge.]
You can do it, Paul! Gimme a kiss for luck.
Ow! Hot! Oh, boy, that's- [Yelling.]
Oh, come on! Ow! [Gasping, Grunts.]
[All Cheering.]
[Hobo.]
And that's how Paul Bunyan started the great Chicago fire.
Boy, that story had everything.
- A giant, house crushing, a meteor- - Townspeople.
Got any more tall tales? Well, I suppose I could spin ya a few more yarns.
But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy.
All right.
But your next story better be worth it.
[Sighs.]
Get in there good.
Yeah, that's it.
Don't be shy.
- There you go.
- [Groans.]
Okay.
Ready for another impression? This is SouthsideJake tearing into Tin Can Tilly.
Oh, this'll be good! "Who put the beans in my bindle?" "I am so tired of you saying that I put beans in your bindle! It just makes me so"- "Do you ever shut up?" "Kiss me, you fool!" [Kissing Noises.]
Uh, could we hear another tall tale? In a sec.
[Kissing Noises Continue.]
All righty.
Here's a story just for you, little girl.
It's the tale ofJohnny- No.
Connie Appleseed.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
[Hobo.]
Back around 1840 the great pie known as America was still cooling on the windowsill and everybody headed west for a slice.
Cleaning my gun with the safety off safety off, safety off - # Cleaning my gun with the-## - [Moos.]
Whoopsie.
[Chuckles.]
Dad, you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo.
A poor, delicious buffalo.
- He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train.
- [Buffalo Moos.]
- Why'd you kill another one? - Dessert.
- [Clinking Noise.]
- Ow! Hey, I found a bullet.
- [Buffalo Moos.]
- [Chuckling.]
- Man, buffalo are easy to kill.
- [Lisa.]
People if you don't stop this slaughter, you'll wipe out the buffalo.
Wipe out an entire species? Why, that's impossible.
[All Laughing.]
[Groaning.]
Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof but we can't find a renewable source of food? Think, Connie.
Think.
- [Man's Voice.]
Connie.
- Wha- Connie.
[Gasps.]
That tree! It seems to be calling to me.
Of course! Apples! No, Connie, over here! Help me! Mom, Dad, look what I found! Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! - Mmm! - No, Dad, they're apples.
[Groans.]
Yuck! Well, that's it.
I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death.
Either switch to apples, or go on without me.
- Hmm! - [Whip Cracks.]
You'll be sorry! - [Buffalo Moos.]
- [Thud.]
Oh! [Hobo.]
So Connie roamed the prairie alone planting apples seeds all along the way.
She even changed her last name to Appleseed.
And her family changed theirs to Bufflekill.
[Snoring.]
[Yawning.]
I haven't had buffalo in six hours.
Marge how about whipping up some buffalo sausage huevos buffaleros, and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.
J? The buffalo are gone.
I think you shot them all.
[Birds Screeching.]
Oh! Connie was right! We wiped out the entire species! What have I done? What have I done? Calm down, Pa.
There's two left.
- [Gunfire.]
- [Both Moo.]
What have I done? What have I done? [Hobo.]
With the buffalo gone, the starving settlers were driven to cannibalism.
[Whimpering.]
You're the fattest, Bufflekill.
Okay, everybody, dig in! - [All Moaning.]
- [Screaming.]
Stop! I've got apples! Delicious, nutritious apples.
And there's enough for everyone.
Sweet! It's like a hootenanny in my mouth! - We're saved! - It's a miracle! - Hooray for Connie Bufflekill! - What? So now we're not eating Homer? And thanks to that little girl today you can find apples in everything that's good.
Apple wine, apple whiskey apple schnapps, apple martinis uh, Snapple with vodka in it apple nail polish remover- Don't forget applesauce.
Yeah.
I suppose you could grind some pills into it.
Aw.
- Look out there, folks.
That's the mighty Mississip.
- Big deal.
Reminds me of a tall tale about two scalawags rafting down the Big Muddy- Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
That's not a tall tale.
It's a book by Mark Twain.
Look, let's just do this thing.
Whitewashing sucks, Tom.
It powerful sucks.
- ## [Humming.]
- Morning, friend.
Want your turn at whitewashin'? It's powerful fun.
Why, you ain't fooling me again, Tom Sawyer.
- If I may.
- [Grunts.]
Now get to work! [Chuckles.]
I still got it.
[Humming.]
Now, Huckleberry Finn, you get down from there.
A body could break his neck.
I ain't afeard of that.
- I'd just get a new neck off n a cat.
- [Gasps.]
- Huck! - [Groaning.]
Oh, Huck, you gave your bones an awful rattling.
Yeah.
But I'm feeling better right now.
- [Homer.]
Aha! - Papa! Hold my daughter's hand, will ya? I was gonna let go by-and-by.
Well, I guess there's no harm done as long as it was gonna be by-and-by.
But just to play it safe- - We're gathered here today to force this man - [Groaning.]
Huckleberry Finn, into holy matrimony.
How romantic.
This reminds me of our shotgun wedding.
Grandpa, we've been married for years.
When are you gonna put down that gun? Well, I reckon you're right.
Hang it all! Do you, Huck, take Becky as your wife? - [Squealing.]
- Whoa! Hey, they done switched the groom with a pig! - No wonder he was pooping so much.
- [Nelson.]
Ha-ha! [Snorting, Laughing.]
Come on! Let's get those polecats! - [All Clamoring.]
- [Squeals.]
Oh! Now we'll never catch 'em! I reckon we're safe now.
There's the state line.
Uh-oh! Rapids! [Both Screaming.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Please do not exit the raft until it has come to a complete stop.
Mr.
Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates.
Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! [Sinister Chuckling.]
All for Silas.
All for Silas.
[Both Yawn, Sigh.]
I'm considerable hungry.
We got any food left? Hmm.
Looks like we're out of corn pone fatback, hardtack, fat pone, "corntack.
" - Any "tackback"? - "Tackback"? - I mean "backtack.
" - Plumb out.
One jug of whiskey, three plugs of"tobacky" and some extra-strength opium.
- That will be two cents, boys.
- Two cents? Hey, if you think my prices are high, go across the street.
- Thank you.
Come again.
- [Groans.]
- He put the lard pone on top of the egg pone.
- Dang! Double dang! Aw, donkey butter! [Both Gasp.]
- [Both Panting.]
- Oh, it's no use.
- I got an idea.
- [Horn Blowing.]
Uh- Hmm.
Well, dog my cats.
They's dis-apporated.
Keep quiet, Huck.
They won't look up here if nothing draws their attention.
Old man river # That old man river# He just keeps rolling [Both Screaming.]
Well, I see President Fillmore is in the news again.
- Glug, glug, glug.
- [Laughter.]
What'll it be, boys? - Just three X's for me.
- Give me five.
This ain't no five-X whiskey.
I can still see.
That barkeep's a no-good cheat! [All.]
Cheat? Eh-All right.
We've all got derringers.
Now let's just put 'em away.
Nobody here is a cheat.
- [All.]
Cheat? - Aw, geez.
Man, those derringer bullets are weak.
Powerful weak.
Light out, and stay lit out! [Both Yelling.]
Aw, catfish.
Let us pray for the souls of these dearly departed young men Huckleberry Finn and Thomas Sawyer.
Now for the traditional lowering of the bodies into the coffins.
## [Organ.]
And that was Tom and Huck's last adventure.
I liked that story, 'cause I was a judge.
Delaware! Well, this is our stop.
Would you like to come sightseeing with us? We're gonna visit the place where JCPenney sends their damaged merchandise.
No, thanks.
I'm gonna keep on ridin' the rails swappin' stories for sponge baths.
- [All Laughing.]
- [Clears Throat.]
I believe I told three stories.
Oh! I'll meet you in Wilmington.
Close the door.
[Homer.]
Raise your arm.
Okay, the other one.
[Hobo.]
You know, I do, uh, 400 sit-ups a day.
[Homer.]
Oh, it shows.
I was gonna say something - but I thought it might sound, you know, weird.
- [Hobo.]
Oh, not at all.
I like when people say nice things about my body.
[Homer.]
And it's important to feel good about yourself.
Okay, spread your toes.
Oh! Okay, spread your toes.
Oh! You know how much glass is in here? - [Murmuring.]
- Shh! [Homer.]
Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles! [Chomping Sound.]