Celebrity Juice (2008) s13e01 Episode Script

1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and these are me titles.
Plush or what? There's Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam, still got them bangers! There's Fearne with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly went inside me! And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just a metaphor for how brilliant the show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly? Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
HD ready.
Yes! (APPLAUSE) Whooo! Hi! I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome back to the first of a new series of Celebrity Juice.
(CHEERING) I could talk for ages but let's meet our team captains F-f-f Fuck off.
Let's meet our first team captain.
She's up the duff.
It's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING) Fearne, who is on your team? Who is on my team? On my left it's Jimmy Carr.
(CHEERING) And on my right he is reem, it's Joey Essex.
(CHEERING) Let's meet our other team captain.
She's had a tiny baby and now she's back, she's boozing, yes, it's Holly Willough-boozy.
(CHEERING) Anyone want a drink? Drinking in the park with your brown paper bag.
(CHEERING) That's not water, is it? No.
No, it's wine.
You're a mucky whore.
Who is on your team, Holly? Tonight on my team, on my left, the queen of the Strictly Come Dancing dance floor.
It's the beautiful Caroline Flack.
(CHEERING) And on my right I actually I haven't got anyone.
Why haven't you got anyone? I don't know.
It's just an empty seat.
Well, on my left I have the funny man from Small Britain, it's Matt Lucas.
(CHEERING) And on my right I have an old tramp.
It's Bob Geldof.
Gino, what are you doing? What do you mean, what I am doing? Why are you sat behind a cardboard box with a balloon with a face drawn on it and a bush with a wig on? That's my team.
Because I'm the kapitan of my team.
You're not a kapitan.
You know last series, Gino, you were just filling in for Holly because she had a baby and wanted a rest and wanted to put her boobs in its mouth.
You're not a kapitan.
You're a chef.
Can I offer you maybe a vice-captain position? I've made you a really special chair.
I don't want to be a vice-captain.
I want to be a captain.
You're telling me you'd rather sit behind a cardboard box with a balloon and a bush than sit next to a lovely woman? With an Italian flag.
Which one? They are both lovely.
One is better looking than the other AUDIENCE: Ooh! One has got huge knockers which is is my kind of stuff.
The other one has big nostrils.
I've actually got big knockers at the moment as well.
She got dem milk trucks, boy.
Oh, yeah.
Can you make cappuccinos with those? Vice-captain Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING) Fearne Cotton.
Let me just congratulate you on being pregnant again.
Thank you.
That is the second time you've beaten science.
Yeah.
Her first photo shoot of her being pregnant.
For god's sake.
# Caroline Flack, it's nice to have you back (CHEERING) Caroline, congratulations on Strictly Come Dancing.
Thank you.
She won.
(CHEERING) It was so good.
In fact, she made history.
You're the only finalist to get 120 points.
Yeah.
How did that make you feel? It was a really intense experience.
I didn't think it would overtake my emotions but it did.
It's the best thing I've ever done.
Did you get together with your dance font c No.
There was chemistry there though? There has to be chemistry.
You spend all day together.
Did you ever feel a twitch on your leg from him? No.
But when you first dance the tango you put your leg in between their legs.
And did you feel his penis? Yes.
You do.
You feel like you want to say something but you can't.
Then you just get used to it.
It's fine.
His knob is on your leg all the time? When you're down at Nando's he's like that eating his chicken.
No.
Where do you put yours when you go out? I You tuck it under and round? I sling it over my shoulder.
She puts it in her minge, that's why she's pregnant.
(APPLAUSE) True story.
That is so dark.
(APPLAUSE) Is it true you've been offered a hundred grand for a book? I am writing a book.
Where did they get that story from? Is it true, then? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) How did they get that true story? Being offered a hundred grand, that is not true.
I'm writing a book.
Are you? Fuck off! He'll be the first man in history to have written more books than he's read.
Are you actually writing a book with your own hand? Yes.
/fo Is it an autobiography? I've done an autobiography.
It's called the book of you and me.
It's about like getting into the spirity world.
Your spirity world? Is that how they say it? I don't know what you are saying? Like ghosts? Yeah.
You're writing a book about ghosts? No.
I can't explain it.
If you can't explain it, don't write a book about it.
Caroline, I don't know what your book is about but I have come up with some ideas.
Oh, god.
The first book I've entitled Flack Sack & Crack.
"The painful truth.
" The second one My Time In Iraq With Lee Mack And Jack Black.
My favourite though it's a bit of a romcom.
It's called The Flack Hole.
Wow.
It's for kids.
It's one of those scratch and sniff books.
It's interactive, you can get involved.
Congratulations, a new low for this show.
You can have them for presents.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my (LAUGHTER) I'll have it.
It's the King of Comedy, it's Jimmy Carr.
Thank you very much.
Jimmy, what is going down? What are you up to? It's been a bit stressful recently.
I got Fearne pregnant and Holly's just had my kid.
And Gino and I are really trying for a baby.
But I can't seem to get him pregnant.
You were at the Brits this year.
Nana had a fall.
Yes, what was that like? She got up and kept on dancing.
She looked in pain though.
We were right at the front.
All three of us.
What was the crowd reaction like? Were people going, "Oh"? Or was it like? When she got up again to dance, everyone got up and was clapping.
It was so If that happened to anyone in their teens or twenties they would have stayed down.
But she is such a trooper.
She went, "Right, I'm gonna replace that hip anyway, fuck it.
" You know, when you are on holiday, and you go away, and you go, "Ee, you won't believe what happened to me on holiday.
" Recently I was on holiday and What happened? Caroline, do you know what VT stands for? Video tape.
Let's have a look at this video tape and you won't believe what happened to me on holiday.
I'm Keith Lemon, check this.
I went on a cruise with some of my favourite celebrity mates.
This is me with Kanye West, Katy Perry and Harry Styles.
When suddenly we went through a Bermuda Triangle vortex situation.
And everyone got turned into kids.
I was all right though because I was in a lead-lined toilet having a shit.
When I came out I found myself stranded with a load of mini celebrities.
Welcome to As you can see, I'm stranded on a desert island.
Here with Prince.
I'm here with Harry Styles.
Recognised.
And Katy Perry.
Looking well.
Let's meet them first before we ask the questions that you're gonna hopefully know the answers to.
Katy, how is it going? Fine.
Do you still see Russell Brand? Who's that? See how easily Katy just forgets.
Harry, you not dating at the moment? No.
What about Taylor Swift? No.
Taylor Swift's mum? No.
I know you like older ladies.
No.
Prince.
Hi.
Have you got any new material coming out? I've got one.
Can you tell us what it is? Well, it's going to be very far.
The song is gonna be very far? Yeah.
It's called Very Far.
Oh, the song is called Very Far? Yeah.
Can we have an exclusive? # Far away # Far away you go # Oooh # Very good.
I'm gonna ask you a question.
The panel in the studio have to tell me what answer you gave.
Who do you think is the richest? Holly Willoughby? Fearne Cotton? Or Gino D'Acampo? (APPLAUSE) So Holly's team.
What just happened there? I went through a Bermuda Triangle vortex which Benjamin Buttoned all the celebrities and they went all young.
But I was having a piss in a lead-lined toilet so it didn't affect me.
Caroline, was Harry Style that old when you got off with him? (LAUGHTER) What? Holly's team, who do you think they said was the richest? I think you, because you can afford to take the year off.
That's maternity leave.
Maternity leave, my balls.
If you think about it who the fuck takes a year off? I think they are gonna say Holly.
Fearne's team, who do you think? They might say Gino.
Gino looks quite suave and rich guy in that picture.
He's got his shirt open a bit.
(AS GINO) Look at my chest, I am rich.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne's team say Gino.
Holly's team say? Holly.
Let's have a look.
So, who is the richest? Holly.
Holly.
I think it's Holly.
Why? She's got all like a rich dress and all of that.
Yeah.
What about you, Harry? Gino M'Acampo.
Gino M'Acampo.
He's got the looks.
And he got some cool clothes.
And all the girls like him cos he just walks in a really cool way.
Gino M'Acampo apparently is the richest.
(APPLAUSE) That is a point for Fearne's team.
The next question.
Who do you think is the prettiest out of Holly, Fearne and Gino? What did they say? No offence, but I think I think you're wrong.
I think they think of Fearne as being younger.
They think of me as being older like their mum.
I'm gonna go for the jugs vote.
Unanimous decision, same here.
I'm over-ruling as team captain.
Holly's team say Fearne.
Fearne's team? Holly.
Let's have a look.
Who is the prettiest? Out of Gino D'Acampo Holly Willoughby.
Or Fearne Cotton.
What about Fearne? No.
No.
No.
I don't like her.
OK.
I can guess you don't like her.
She's horrible, isn't she? Yeah.
Fearne still looks ugly even though there is another picture of her.
She looks ugly in this picture? I bet she's hiding something.
I bet she's hiding something.
I won't say what she's hiding right now but she's definitely hiding something.
Why is she ugly? Because she's wearing a yellow top.
Yeah.
And she's got a spot there so it doesn't suit her.
It doesn't suit her that spot? It looks like a bit of poo on her neck.
(LAUGHTER) She's gone to the toilet and it splashed up and she's got poo on her neck there.
So, who is the prettiest? Holly.
You're saying Holly? Holly is the prettiest.
(APPLAUSE) The next question was who do you think does the biggest poos out of Holly, Fearne and Gino? For god's sake.
What? My track record of this game is not great so I imagine it could be old mole face over here.
Poo neck.
Katy Perry has got it in for you.
She hates my guts.
Never met the kid.
She's wearing a yellow dress.
She probably does big shits.
(LAUGHTER) Anyway, Joey just went, "I think Holly does the biggest shits.
" I would not be surprised if you said we'll bring on toilets and see.
"Come on, Holly, curl one out.
" I imagine this is gonna be me.
You.
We think Gino.
I'm gonna say me.
Who do you think does the biggest poos? Harry.
Fearne.
Fearne does the biggest poos.
Fearne.
Fearne.
You all think Fearne? Yeah, because of her poo spot.
Cos she's got a poo spot on her neck? Yeah.
It's a bit awkward to have that on your neck.
It's a bit awkward, innit? And she does the biggest farts as well.
She does, doesn't she? Fearne.
Fearne does the biggest poos.
(APPLAUSE) That is a point for Fearne's team.
The scores at the end of that round are sha-ting (CHEERING) We're going to an ad break now! I'm going for a poo with poo neck.
I'll see you.
(CHEERING) Coming up after t'break Hello! (CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It's now time to play Lickalikes.
Lickalikes.
Here we are at the Lickalike arena.
As you can see, there is a window between you with a smudge on it.
You know what Joey is currently thinking? He's thinking, "This is the worst mirror ever.
" Hey! I'm not.
"I'm not.
" So you have to lick the special sauce off.
Underneath the special sauce is a picture of an actual lookalikey.
You have to give me the ID of that celebrity.
So this person I'm gonna think that it's someone else? (LAUGHTER) It's a Lickalike.
On the klaxon.
(KLAXON) Lick away! (LAUGHTER) Who is it? Urgh, it's really sticky.
It's Joey Essex.
It's me? You got it.
It's you.
Me? Corey registered as a lookalike last year and he's still waiting for his first gig as Joey Essex.
Well done, Corey.
OK, Holly and Fearne play Lickalikes.
Oh! Before we do this can I get some tissues and hand lotion? Just for me, can you both look into each other's eyes? Whilst you are doing it can you tickle my balls? No, I'm not going anywhere near your balls ever, thank you.
Have you ever lezzed off before? No.
When you were experimenting as a teenager? No.
You have, haven't you? You fucking have.
No, I've not.
Seriously.
I have not.
Yeah, you got drunk and just like, "Let's just see what it is like.
" That's what they do.
Nor do I.
Just once, go crazy with a girl.
Have you? No.
With June Sarpong or someone? June Sarpong! You used to do a show with June Sarpong.
Back in the crazy days.
It was ages ago when she was going out with Fearne.
Where is June Sarpong these days? Where is June Sarpong? Can we do a Twitter thing? (READS) June, if you are watching, get in touch.
OK, are you ready? Yeah.
Go.
(KLAXON) It's a race.
Phillip Schofield.
I got it.
(LAUGHTER) It's a race.
It's Phillip Schofield.
(RETCHES) Yes, you are correct.
It was Phillip Schofield.
AKA Paul Simkiss.
He's a white van man and charges roughly £500 for a two-hour meet and greet.
He's not cheap, is he? When you say "two-hour meet and greet" that's a full service? He will fuck you for that? It's a point for each team.
Thank you.
(CHEERING) Next up to play Lickalikes it's Jimmy Carr and Gino D'Acampo.
This is not a glory hole.
It's a licking competition.
It's a licking competition? Are you good at licking? I've had no complaints.
Why am I doing it with him? Yah-yah-yah! Lick off the special sauce.
This is like a prison visit.
We are professionals, we can do this.
On the klaxon.
No.
Let's do with The klaxon.
(KLAXON) Go! (LAUGHTER) Madonna.
Madonna! That's right, Jimmy.
The weirdest thing about that was we maintained eye contact all the way through.
At some point I wanted to close my eyes.
I thought, this is wrong.
Never look away.
Never look away.
(APPLAUSE) The hardest thing about that is getting close to glass with an erection.
And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting Holly.
Have you ever been to a supermarket and got tangled up in carrier bags? No.
When you've been in a rush.
And carrier bags get all over you.
No.
And you think, how can I get that carrier bag off me? It's never happened.
You'll enjoy this next game which is called Get That Carrier Bag Off Me! Hello.
My name is Abby.
I'm a fashion designer I'm not a fashion designer yet but I will be one day.
At the moment I work at Tosco.
Anyway, we get a lot of celebrities in here so I get to meet them and tell them about my fashion designs.
Hold on a second.
(BELL) Hello, can Fearne Cotton's mum come here, please? We found your little boy.
He's safe and sound.
(LAUGHTER) Hello.
Is that Holly Willoughby in aisle six? Yes, it is.
Can we have some dramatic lighting, please? I like it.
What you've got to do is get yourself out of the carrier bag not using hands or teeth.
You have to shake it off.
Have you done this before? I'm always going to supermarkets shaking bags off.
Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready.
On the klaxon.
OK.
(KLAXON) That is the klaxon.
Oh, shit.
(CHEERING) Look at the vigour on it.
Don't mess about with me, I'll bash your skull in.
Well done, Holly Willough-booby.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Can I have Gino D'Acampo in aisle six, please? (ALL CHANTING) Gino! Gino! Have you ever been in a supermarket and got bags stuck to you? No.
Can we have some dramatic lighting in aisle six, please? Full attention.
Let's do this.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) That's what Gino is like when he can't get his own way.
(KLAXON) No.
It's imposs (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Ciao, bella.
(BELL) Can we have Jimmy Carr in aisle six, please for a world record? Jimmy, just imagine if you got caught bumming a dog.
This is what would happen to you.
You'd end up on the street covered in bags.
When you hear the klaxon, shake it off.
The klaxon is the bit between the vajayjay and the bum hole? Can we have some dramatic lighting, please? No.
Actually, Jimmy, if you do this, it's a world record apparently.
(LAUGHTER) It's never been done before cos it's fucking stupid.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) He's doing it! One more! (CHEERING) That's a point for his team.
Jimmy Carr, everyone.
And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting (CHEERING) We'll see you after t'break.
See you in a minute.
Coming up after t'break Seriously, are you on Babestation? Hello! Are you having a good time? Are you having a good time? (CHEERING) Are you having a good time? (CHEERING) Caroline, you won Strictly.
What is next? I've got a new job.
Can you tell us? No.
I'm not allowed.
I'd love to tell everyone.
I've got an exciting new job.
On telly? On telly.
Are you on Babestation? Cos I know we're friends in real life but if there is a screen between us I think I could pump fist to you.
Pump fist? Can you do what they do on Babestation? No.
(CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Jimmy, have you ever been with a lady? Yes.
Once.
And I didn't like it.
You've seen like a dirty film, yeah? I've seen like a dirty film? Recently on dirty films I've noticed women, especially lesbicansace.
They sort of rub it, yeah? That little man in the boat.
And smack it.
I've seen them smack It is a new trend.
Have you noticed that? A new trend? To smack the What is it called? Clitostoris? (LAUGHTER) Clistoris is the guy who shot his girlfriend in the toilet, right? The best one is not like that.
It's when you do it with the hand underneath like that.
(LAUGHTER) It's easier to do like that.
Where is the woman? Oh, there is no woman? Or you can do the Phil Collins one.
And then sometimes you can feel it coming through the air tonight.
(APPLAUSE) OK, all to play for in this final round, it's The Buzzer Round! (CHEERING) Holly, what is your buzzer? "I am the kapitan.
" Gino, you are not the kapitan.
"I am the kapitan.
" Holly is the kapitan.
Fearne, what is your buzzer? Can I smack your button? Go on then.
No, the button.
Sorry.
(JIMMY CARR LAUGHING) Forget it.
Forget it.
You're on your own.
That was uncanny.
OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, buzz in anyway and guess.
First question, what was the name of the girl who Joey Essex recently had a fling with? (JIMMY CARR LAUGHING) Fearne's team.
Was that the girl? Reem.
Reem, that is correct.
Are you joking? No.
She said, "You've ruined my life.
" I said I didn't ruin your life.
Every time I say my name is Reem, they go, "Seriously, what is your name?" But then you fucked her and did ruin her life? No! What is Mark Wright desperate to happen at his wedding? "I am the kapitan.
" For you not to be there.
Oh, fuck you.
Is this something about Ed Sheeran that he said on the radio? That he wanted Ed Sheeran to sing at the wedding? That is correct.
He's doing three nights at Wembley Stadium.
He's not gonna play his wedding.
If you want someone a lot cheaper, Fearne could DJ.
Fearne, you are leaving Radio One? I am, yeah.
Have you grown tired of doing different ways of saying, "Here's Kasabian, awesome"? No, I could keep doing that for many years.
Are you gonna st and be Mummy Cotton, then? No, I'm still definitely gonna work.
Not definitely though.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Are you definitely leaving, yeah? Yeah.
Sweet.
Is it (LAUGHTER) Who is this Fearne lookalike? "I am the kapitan.
" That is my favourite person, Katie Hopkins.
Let's have a lo I'm scared I recognise her.
Thanks.
She said summat nasty to Malcolm Smith recently.
Did you hear what he said back to her on Twitter? You look like the side of a fucking gothic building, you (BLEEP).
What has Harry Styles said he likes on his face? Oh, Caroline Flack.
(JIMMY CARR LAUGHING) What's your answer? Caroline Flack.
Do you know? No.
The answer was sheep placenta.
That's nice.
He likes sheep placenta on his face to make his skin fresh and clear.
What is a sheep placenta? It's the placenta of a sheep.
Drop me out.
I think you've already been dropped out.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) That is the end of The Buzzer Round and the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is She's been away for a year and she's back.
The winning team is (LAUGHTER) .
.
Fearne's team! (CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! # TAYLOR SWIFT: Shake It Off