It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e01 Episode Script

1 CINDY: What an awesome night it's been, huh? - Yeah.
- CHARLIE: Good night, what a night.
You know, you know, when I first started working at Paddy's, this place was way more likely to host a dog fight - than an event like tonight.
- (laughter) In fact, when I first walked in, there were two dogs fighting.
- Sure.
- They were, like, strays or something that had wandered in? No one noticed.
- I don't know.
- Anyway, the point is, that this place has changed.
You know? It's really evolved.
And it's been so welcoming of this brown-skinned girl and her liberal ideals.
They're like family now.
Which is saying a lot, since the first time I met Frank, he pulled a gun on me.
Misunderstanding.
Not racial.
Thanks, Frank.
Anyway, the point is, Paddy's is now a place where progressive-minded people like us can feel at home.
And I think that is worth a round of applause.
- FRANK: Yeah.
- (applause) Oh.
You think those liberal morons bought it? - Oh, yeah! - They bought every word you said.
Oh, we've never been this successful.
This wine is selling like crazy.
And look, it's called "Conservative Whine," but it's spelled with an "H," 'cause it's like "We're whining.
" It's a pun.
It's a play on the word "wine.
" Yeah.
Yeah, Mac, I get it.
I came up with it.
- Yeah.
yeah.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, so smart.
Shut up, Mac.
- So smart.
- I get it, I get it.
We're squeezing those liberal boners for all they got, and we're just gonna keep on squeezing them.
- Yeah.
- Uh, no, we're not.
- No, we're not.
- CINDY: Dee, try to keep up, man.
- Okay? - I'm sorry.
- Got to keep up.
- CINDY: Look.
These liberals are easy.
It's the conservative crowd we're going after.
- How? - Nice.
How? Whatcha thinking? Oh, uh, a little thing like we're gonna make Paddy's great again.
- - - (knocking) - All right.
- Hello, guys! Welcome! - CHARLIE: Hello.
Thank you for letting me host - the planning evening.
- Uh-huh.
What'd you make? Yes, I made Mac's Famous Mac and Cheese and some energy drinks for everybody.
It's all he ever makes and it's un-edible.
CINDY: Okay, whatever.
Let's get to the plan.
Uh, ooh, ooh.
Sorry, um, for interrupting.
I just wanted to do the unveiling first, if that's cool.
- The unveiling of what? - Okay, everybody, are you ready? Bam.
- All right, what's up? - What's going on? Oh, well, I-I got into really good shape.
Am I hitting the light right? Wh-What what's happening? - Why? - Why? I don't know, I thought maybe we could use it.
Use it for what? For the bar.
- How? - How? Well, Cindy, do you think maybe we could fit this into the plan? I don't think so.
I don't really know what's going on here, though.
- Me, neither.
- Yeah, no one ever really knows what's going on with Mac.
- He's fat, he's skinny, he's muscular, it's - It's best to ignore it.
It's really a cry for help and attention, - I think, so - Yeah.
what you do in that situation is you ignore those.
Yeah, treat it like a baby.
Treat it like a toddler.
- We're not gonna put it into the plan? - That make sense? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Why did I why did I do it? - Nobody knows.
- We don't know.
- So, I have a great plan.
- Should I put my shirt on? - But - I think that's best.
Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, congrats, Mac, it looks really good.
- DEE: Good job.
- Can we figure out a way - to incorporate later? - Let's just move past it now, - 'cause it's dinnertime.
- Yeah? You guys like me, right? (Dee groaning) - FRANK: So - Okay, I have a plan how we are gonna shut down Murphy's Pub.
(gasps): What's that? - What's Murphy's Pub? What is that? - Wait, what is that? Murphy's Pub? It's around the corner from you guys.
- Oh, the bar, the bar.
- DEE: Oh, yeah, yeah.
The super successful bar around the corner.
- They do well.
- Why would we shut that down? Because they do, like, five times - the business that we do.
- CHARLIE: They do? Yeah, so we're gonna poach their customers, shut them down, thereby making Paddy's great again.
- Whoa! That is so smart.
- DEE: That is smart.
Why have we never thought about doing that? DEE: I don't know, we're gonna steal their customers.
Ah, this is the waitress.
Do you guys mind if I get this? DEE: Yeah, we're right in the middle CHARLIE: Hey, honey.
Sorry, I'm in a meeting.
Are you just You're just checking in? I don't know.
Is the TV just not working? - (Mac groans) - All right.
Can I call you later or something, 'cause I'm just We're super bu we're in the thing.
Yeah, I'll check in later.
- Sorry, she was just checking in.
- Oh, cool.
- (doorbell buzzing) - Yeah.
All right, so what's up? - So, how are we gonna do this? - I'm gonna take you through the plan.
There's a lot of moving pieces, and you each play - a crucial part.
- It's here! It's here! Cindy, I am so sorry for interrupting, but it has finally arrived, and I think you are going to be very impressed with what is inside this crate.
- Another rocket launcher.
- No, Frank.
Much cooler than that.
- CHARLIE: Oh! - Oh, my God! What am I looking at here, Mac? - What? What do you mean? - FRANK: Oh - Is that a sex doll? - Yeah.
- Is that Dennis? - Well, yeah, of course.
- Is that part of the plan? - No! Why did you get a sex doll of your old roommate? Because you told me to get one.
- I definitely did not.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was, I was super sad about my old roommate leaving, and you said I needed something Dennis-shaped to fill my hole.
No, Mac, I said that you obviously had a Dennis-shaped hole in your life that you needed to fill.
How is that not the same thing? Okay, I obviously wanted you to, I don't know, maybe start dating or do something, not get a sex doll of your best friend.
- No, not best friend.
- CHARLIE: Oh, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah, sorry, not best friend.
- DEE: He didn't like him much.
He left him a contact number for where he was gonna be in North Dakota, but it ended up being a mental health line.
- CHARLIE (chuckles): Yeah.
- MAC: He miswrote - one of the digits, and that - Nah, he knew what he was doing.
- FRANK: He was avoiding him.
- No, it was not a mistake.
All right, well, look, guys, either way, it's not weird.
It's not like I'm gonna have sex with it.
He's gonna have sex with that the second we walk out of this door.
No.
It might just be cool to have around for, like, companionship, you know? - Nah, he wants to bang it.
- I'm not gonna bang it.
- This is the waitress again.
Should I get it? - Oh, my God, come on.
Okay, you know what, you know what, this is just this is not gonna work here, all right? - (phone continues ringing) - Let's just go.
Please get rid of the doll.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll get rid of the doll.
It was a misunderstanding, you know? Like, I'm not gonna have sex with it.
He is.
The second we leave, he's gonna bang it.
CINDY: Okay, guys, I am going to use social media to spread fake news that Murphy's hired an alt-right figurehead to speak at their pub.
The liberals are gonna protest, while the conservatives are gonna march for the speaker's First Amendment rights, and that is where Frank comes in.
A tuba? What am I gonna do with a tuba? You're gonna play it to enflame the crowd.
Dee, we're gonna need to distract Murphy's security guard - with a pretty blonde.
- Okay.
You want me to go find one? No.
I'm talking about you.
Oh, you want me to flirt? Oh, wow.
Normally I'm on lookout while Dennis flirts.
But okay, I'm in.
- Great.
Next part of the plan.
Now, listen up - MAC: Oh, hey, guys.
So, so sorry.
Cindy, I'm so sorry I'm late.
- Got held up, but I am ready.
- CINDY: What is this? Why did you bring that thing? I told you to get rid of it! Oh, I tried, but apparently, I cannot return the doll due to the custom nature of the usage of the doll.
- Banging its mouth.
- Right.
I guess some people do.
I don't know, but I don't know.
Either way, what do you guys think? - About what? - I'm shirtless in the duster.
Oh, yeah.
Why? - Well, I thought that could work.
- Toward what? I don't know.
This is Cindy's plan.
Cindy, how does this work? It doesn't.
Stop trying to shoehorn your shirtless-ness into plans that have no need for it.
Well, I feel like this is what Dennis would've done.
Yeah, but Dennis had a reason for it, man! And you're not Dennis! You're never gonna be, all right? - So just drop it.
- This, by the way, - is desperate and sad.
- It's just sad, dude.
It was his idea anyway, so I'm sorry, the sex doll gave you an idea? Well, not exactly, but you know, it was, like, when I was sitting there with him, I was sort of picturing what Dennis would say.
- Oh.
(laughing) - And that's - Nice one, man.
- What? Oh, something the doll just said.
The doll talks to you now? No, the doll's not talking to me, but like he said, I was picturing what Dennis might've said in the situation and Dennis just said something really funny.
- What was it? - Well, it was about you, Dee.
- (laughing): I just heard it.
- Do you picture it? - I heard it.
Oh, yeah.
- (laughing) - I heard it.
- It's (laughing) What the hell are you guys talking about? - It called me a bird.
- Yes! It did.
- Exactly.
- So you did hear it.
- We all heard it.
- Bird.
How is that funny? It's-it's really not.
It's just the way Dennis would have said it.
You can just sort of picture it coming out of his mouth.
Okay, okay, cool, but, guys, can we just get back to the plan? - Yes.
- Mac's shirtless plan, or? Mac's shirtless plan.
No, he did not have a plan.
Our plan.
My plan.
To shut down Murphy's.
Dee, you're gonna flirt with the security guard.
Frank, tuba.
Mac, Charlie, I need you to change labels on wine bottles.
Okay? Any questions? Yes? The blowjob mouth, did it come standard on the doll or did you customize that? It's not a blowjob mouth, Dee.
Don't be crass.
I requested that the doll feel as though - it's in mid-conversation.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Any other questions? - Yup.
Not about the sex doll.
"Liberal Tears.
" It's so funny because the liberals are always whining about stuff and the conservatives drink it up.
- They're drinking their tears.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
No, Cindy's brilliant, man.
And using all the glitter and stuff was a great idea, too, - you know what I mean? - Yeah, I had a good idea about the glitter.
I was thinking maybe you would slather it all over my naked torso and we would use that.
Why? Oh, well, that can just be a part of the plan, you know? It doesn't have anything to do with anything, though.
Well, then why did I do all this working out, Charlie? Nobody knows, man.
- All right, guys.
What do you think? - Whoa! - Wow, Dee, you look great! - Really? Yeah, I hate to admit it, but this look's kind of working for you.
Yeah, you might actually be able to distract that security guard.
Nice.
(tuba playing) Whoa! - Frank, you got it, man! - Holy shit! Uh, look.
Dee looks good, Frank's killing it on the tuba, we might actually be able to pull this thing off.
I think we're gonna do it.
I think What happened? I can't do it.
- Wh-Why? - What went wrong? He's staring right at me.
(ominous music plays) MAC: So what? Look, I know it's just a lifeless thing that Mac pumps his loads into, but it's in my head.
Again, guys, I am not having sex with the doll.
- You unload in that doll.
- You're having sex with the doll.
- DEE: You unload into that doll.
- I can smell it.
Yeah.
No, th-that's bleach.
I cleaned him.
- Well, then why did you clean it? - Why did you clean it? It doesn't matter why I cleaned it.
I-I'm a sanitary person.
Look, I got to be honest.
It's in my head, too.
- How? - It doesn't like what I'm wearing and it thinks I need more makeup.
(ominous music plays) - (gasps) Oh - Oh, my God.
I can totally see that.
Yeah, I can picture Dennis saying that to you right now.
Yeah, it also thinks Mac looks fat.
- That's that's a lie! - I know, I know, but it - that's just what he thinks.
- Let me ask it.
Dennis, does Mac look fat? (ominous music plays) - What No! - Oh, yeah.
Dennis, Dennis, I am not fat.
Look, I'm ripped.
I don't know why he did it either, man.
He just did it.
Well, there it's a long story.
He's not impressed.
What, you don't like the labels? It doesn't like the labels on the these are dumb "Liberal Tears," right.
Does it say "tear" or does it say "tear"? It's confusing.
Maybe I'll do a couple of crunches, though.
I'm gonna go put some more lipstick on.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna practice.
- Yeah oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
- (phone ringing) Now I'm getting a call again.
It's her again.
Hey, honey.
Yeah, I'm just, I'm working still working with the ga Yeah.
Uh, they're all You want to say hi or something? Tell her not to worry 'cause I'm doing crunches.
Oh, yeah, no, he's doing crunches for Dennis.
(scoffs) No, he's not back.
It's what do you care if Dennis is back? Look Can I Can we just catch up later when I get home from (ominous music plays) Hang on.
I just got an idea.
So it's called "Liberal Tears.
" I don't know if it's confusing, that's not really the point.
What I want to know is what do you think of this? I think it's super weird.
Like in a good way or like? Like in the creepiest possible way, Charlie.
I mean, it's like Dennis is sitting in our apartment - just staring at us.
- (Charlie laughs) I know, but, like, look, you need someone to talk to, right? And I-I just, I can't be that guy right now.
I'm so busy being a success and stuff.
It's just, like, so much work.
I'm sorry.
You want me to talk to the doll? Yeah.
Oh, absolutely.
And-and it's weird, 'cause it's-it's kind of like he talks back to you.
It's crazy.
He's already shamed Mac, which was pretty funny.
All right, I got to run.
W-W-Wait.
You're leaving? Can I come? Well, no, sweetie.
It's I-I got to go work at the bar.
A-And that's gonna be a trigger for you with all the drinking - I feel like like you're always going to the bar - Sweetie.
- and always running out.
- Oh, sweetie, the feelings.
N-N-No.
The doll.
That's what the doll is for.
You talk to the doll, - and-and not me so much.
- Charlie.
(tuba playing) - (squawks) - Mm, sorry.
I feel foolish.
You had this, Frank; I heard you earlier.
I know, but I'm all in my head about it.
Okay, now that makes one, two, three.
- Three bottles of wine.
- CINDY: Three? You guys have only done three bottles? Yeah.
I'm sorry, Cindy.
We just got a little distracted.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
And what happened to the labels; those just say "wine.
" We thought "Liberal Tears" was maybe gonna be confusing, - you know? - Yeah, like, what if people read it like "tears"? You know, like, what are these liberals tearing? - And why are they tearing it? - Yeah.
And, Dee, what is this? Oh, it's just a-a new lighting setup.
It-it washes me out.
It's-it's a better look.
Guys, what is happening here? Everything was going so smoothly.
Yeah, it's nothing.
It's fine.
No, it's nothing.
W-We're doing good still, we're good.
- Whatever.
We got this.
- Don't worry about us.
- Don't know.
Wait a second.
This doesn't have anything to do with the doll, does it? - Come on.
Why would the doll? - No.
- The doll? What do we care about the doll? - The doll (mutters) CINDY: No? - Okay, well, where is the doll? - It's at my apartment.
Why isn't it in the trash? It's-it's just doing me a quick favor.
- Get rid of it.
- CHARLIE: Yeah.
I don't care.
Trash.
Burn.
River.
Just get rid of it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It was a bad bad idea.
- Yeah, get rid of it, dude.
- It's going in the trash.
- Yeah, get rid of it, man.
- Yeah.
Got to go.
Got to go.
See, I told him.
I told him.
It's just a doll, you know? It's-it's fun to have around.
It's kind of cool.
Hey, it's me.
It looks like Cindy wants me to get rid of the What the hell is this? Oh, I fucked him.
Bring me a higher love Well, yeah, I can see that.
Why?! Um, because that's what it was designed for? You were you were supposed to talk to it, - not have sex with it! - Okay, well, I did talk to it.
And it told me to drink this bottle of wine.
And then it talked me into having sex with it.
I can't You know, this is cheating, by the way.
- You're cheating on me.
- Uh, with a doll.
- With Dennis! - Okay, you sh (laughs) His voice is funny.
- Oh, oh, oh! Go to hell! - I hadn't noticed it.
- Go You go right to hell! - It's-it's so high.
(laughs) - Okay.
All right.
I know.
- Stupid (mutters) No, shh, shh, shh.
Everybody, this is - Yeah, shut up, man! - This is awkward.
I got it.
Charlie, I'm breaking up with you.
You're-you're breaking up with me? - I think you should leave.
- I'm gonna break up with you! I already said it.
We think you should get out.
- I can't believe this.
I'm out of here.
- Wa-Wa-Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Do you have any more bottles of wine? - Bring me a higher love.
- (shouting) - (grunting) (shouting, whooping) I'm sorry, Charlie.
This sucks.
I mean, I think maybe some fresh titty will cheer you up, huh? - Yeah.
- Charlie, the waitress is an asshole.
You're just way better off - without her.
- Yeah.
No, you're right.
I'm-I'm just pissed that Dennis did that to me.
- Of course.
- You know what I mean? - Dennis is a bastard, man.
Right? - Yeah.
- Always has been, always has been.
- I mean, dude, look around.
You're in the strip club, man.
- Okay! - We always go to the strip club - to make ourselves feel better.
- That's right.
- This is fun.
Right? - Yeah, okay.
Yes.
Yes.
I feel like I'm forcing it a little.
- It feels forced, right? - Yeah.
- Why is that? - Why are we here? Yeah, I mean, look, guys, I think the problem is that we're trying to do things that we used to do.
But-but things are different now.
Look, Dennis is gone, and he is not coming back.
We have to accept that.
Yeah, why are we letting Dennis keep messing up our lives? - He's not even here, man.
- Yeah.
Absolutely.
Right.
Like, it's time to move on from that guy.
And if I'm being perfectly honest, I like Cindy better.
Oh, yeah.
She's smart, she's funny.
- Yes.
- She's an asshole but in all the right ways.
- She's just the right amount of asshole, you know? - Yeah, exactly.
She's kind of like Dennis but only way better.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Better than Dennis.
I absolutely prefer her to Dennis.
- DEE: Right? - I like her more.
So, look, maybe we just got to put Dennis behind us, - finally, once and for all - Mm.
and move forward, with Cindy, and be a new gang.
To the new gang.
- There you go.
- The new Cindy gang.
- Yeah, right! New gang! - New gang, new gang.
- New gang with Cindy.
Cindy.
All right, what do we do with him? Not sure yet.
But, uh, what do you say we do, like, three rounds of shots - and figure it out after that? - DEE: Hey! - Hey! - (laughs) (door opens) Hey-o! So sorry we're late.
Guys, what the hell? The Murphy's protest is about to start.
Where is everyone? Cindy, we just wanted to let you know that you were right - about everything, and we think you are amazing.
- Yes, yes.
Now, we were at the strip club last night, and we came up with a way to deal with our Dennis issues and do your plan - and finally move forward.
- Yeah.
Guys? Let's do it! (playing musical notes) Oh, God.
- (plays high note) - CINDY: Oh, yuck! No, stop! Stop it! Stop! Charlie, stop! How is this moving things forward? What are you doing? Oh, I was playing his asshole.
That part I got.
Why? Well, well, after a series of events - that I'd rather not go into - Not necessary.
I came to the realization that the only way to not be humiliated by Dennis while playing the tuba - was to play him.
- CHARLIE: But then, out front, he got a little nervous - about doing that.
Yeah.
He got a little gun-shy.
- I couldn't do it.
- So I volunteered.
- Yeah.
Well, you see, we're still making Paddy's great again, - but now everybody's happy.
- That's right, that's right.
So, what do you think? You want to know what I think? - Yeah.
- Um, here's what I think.
I think that you all went to a strip club last night and you got super hammered and horny and the three of you decided to fuck the doll, only to find out that when force is applied to the almost vacuum-tight polyurethane hole, it made a noise.
You instantly put it in your mouth.
You probably knew it'd work, because you clearly have had sex with the doll multiple times.
You decided that this was the most brilliant idea that you've ever come up with, when, really, it was the result of the most insane, disgusting orgy that has ever taken place.
And you, Dee, you just sat back and watched the whole thing happen because you are so numb to this kind of behavior that it doesn't even register to you as odd.
- That's dead-on.
- Yeah, you nailed it.
- You nailed it.
I mean, like - Boy, that - Wow.
Yeah.
- Point by point.
- You ran home with that one.
Guys, come on.
You are better than this.
I know you can be better than this.
And I can help you.
But you got to make a choice, okay? You can either leave Dennis behind or you can stay the same.
Keep doing what you're doing playing a doll's asshole with your mouth and talking to something that's never gonna talk back to you.
DENNIS: Or will it? - (screaming, shouting) - FRANK: Oh, shit! - Kill it! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (shouting) Oh.
Hey, hey.
Take it easy, man.
I'm not a doll.
I threw that thing on the floor.
By the way, what is that thing? I don't like it.
Why do you have it? - It's for Mac.
- (groans) Yeah.
Oh, Mac's shooting his loads into it? - Definitely his.
He definitely is.
- No, no.
DENNIS: Yeah.
All right, well, anyway, I'm back.
The real me.
Let's not-not make a whole thing of it.
You.
Uh, I gather you were meant to replace me? Well, that's not necessary anymore, so, um, you can go now.
Excuse me? I think you can go.
You dress like it's 1998.
Your look is played out and so are you.
- You're basic.
- Oh.
I see.
Well, why don't we, uh - why don't we ask them? - Yeah, sure.
- Oh - Well, he did just get here, - so let's not go crazy, right? - Kind of like seeing him.
Charlie, you were just playing his asshole to humiliate him.
- DENNIS: Ah.
- I do lots of crazy things, you know? - I never really know what I'm - Yeah.
- That's in the past.
- Yeah.
I mean - And I like to live in the present.
Dee, you don't want this loser back, do you? I mean - What? Come on.
- Uh They're just gonna go back to treating you like shit the minute I leave! Come on, us ladies, we got to stick together.
Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying, but I kind of like being the only woman.
'Cause it makes me feel special.
This is insane.
You know what? Screw you guys.
Enjoy your crappy lives and your insane, miserable, failed ideas.
You guys are played out.
You're basic.
- Uh-oh.
- Ooh, yeah.
You know what? - You already said that.
Uh - Yeah.
- You did.
She said that already.
- A second ago.
DEE: Did you run out of insults? - Recycling her material.
- Yeah.
That's not good.
- She didn't have to have a bad attitude about it.
- That's not good.
Yeah.
Hey, - I don't know about you guys, - What a bitch.
but I'm a little bit thirsty.
Do you guys still serve beer here, or? - Oh, yeah.
- (laughs) I knew you were gonna say something funny, man.
- So smart, too.
Clever.
- Do we serve beer? - Because we're a bar.
- Clever.
Yeah.
- Do we serve beer? - Funny, man.
- We do.
- Well, welcome back, man.
- (chuckles) - Well, for now.
I'm back for now.
- Oh? All right.
Guys, you know what? I think we just made Paddy's great again.
- (laughs) - Shut up, bird.
- Oh! (laughing) - Oh! So reliable.
CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah, you can just count on it.
- Yeah.
- DEE: Yeah.
Hey, Mac, did you gain a little weight? The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town I said the boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town You know that chick that used to dance a lot? (trio chanting backwards)