Live at The Apollo (2004) s13e01 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight Sara Pascoe! Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Thank you so much.
My name is Sara Pascoe.
It's my dream to be here.
It's a beautiful, beautiful venue, and I just love Do you love London? I love London.
I feel like London is created by the people, right? Who are just crazy and sexy and ambitious.
I got into an Uber the other day, not bragging I am.
I got into an Uber, and the driver, he said, "Would you like to have the radio on?" And I was like, "Oh, I don't mind, it's up to you.
" And then he said, "Well, actually, I make my own music.
" "Do you mind if I put some of that on?" "No, I don't.
" And then he put on Drake's new album.
I wonder how often it works.
I wonder how often there's a middle-aged white woman thinking, "Oh, well, he looks like Aladdin, "and he sounds like confidence personified.
" "Pull over and jump in the back, Nikolai.
" I love it.
I'm having a good life.
I have recently started doing yoga, which has just changed Yes, woo, for the yoga over there.
Are you a team, come to? I'm new to it, I'm new to it.
I love it.
Yoga has changed my life, it's brilliant, yoga is my new drug.
My old drug was drugs.
Which I'm not going to say anything positive about, because it would be incredibly irresponsible.
I'm not going to say anything positive about drug-taking.
What I will say is I didn't take MDMA until I was 32, and it was such a relief to know I could be happy.
I just assumed the equipment's broken.
But yoga is nearly as good, and there's no downsides.
It's given me a whole new language.
My favourite new word is "Namaste".
It's a very old word, it's very sacred, and it means the yoga has finished now.
And then you're allowed to leave.
I think that the key to being happy as you get older is self acceptance, I have to accept things about myself now.
Like, I'm 36, I thought I would have children by now, and I don't.
In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise.
I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics, so that I could show them to my parents and go, "See, it was my childhood, they're fine".
But science can't do that yet.
Then I had a crazy day last month where I just thought, "I'm just going to buy some sperm.
"I'm just going to buy some sperm off the internet.
" "I've got a good job, I'm just going to buy some sperm.
" Guys, sperm is so much more expensive than I thought it was going to be.
It is tens of thousands of pounds.
We are all wasting a valuable resource.
17-year-old me would have been a millionaire if I'd learned how to catch it and chuck it in the freezer.
So expensive, it was a shock.
But I do think self-acceptance is the key.
Like, there's things about myself I don't like, but I just have to accept now that they're not going to change, this is who I am.
So, for instance, I don't like art.
I think art is rubbish.
I think lots of people think art is rubbish, but we're too worried of looking stupid, so we go along with it.
I think that the worst art form is theatre.
All right, OK, I can sense how unpopular this opinion is.
Hear me out.
I think theatre is diabolical.
I do.
Look, and also, I'm aware, if you're a performer of some kind, if you're an actor, look, please don't be offended - I don't mean being in the play.
Obviously, if you're the person in the play that gets to put a wig on and walk up and down and move your arms and project your voice, saying things like, "Um, I think you'll find "you're contradicting yourself, Alan.
" Fun! Having to watch it Dear Christ.
I can't concentrate, I can't lose myself in the story.
I know that it's not real because I'm surrounded by people eating crisps.
And they don't let you look at your phone, so all you're thinking is "Well, how long has it been?" And you have to judge from how long it feels, which is forever.
And then they have a false ending, called an interval Where, technically, you could leave, but you have Stockholm syndrome and you don't want everyone around you to think you weren't intelligent enough to understand the play.
So you just sit there and you're trying to be positive, you just think things like, "Well, sometimes the second half is shorter.
" Then, eventually, after several days, the play finishes.
Then what happens is you're flooded with an incredible feeling, and it's called freedom.
It's electricity in your veins, you're thinking, "I can do anything now.
"I can go outside, I could have a sandwich" And I think we confuse that feeling for having enjoyed the play.
And so you go in to work the next day, like, "Guys, guys, you must see A View From The Bridge.
" But it wasn't A View From The Bridge you enjoyed, it was when it stopped happening.
I think this is about all of the performing arts.
I think opera, come on, come on.
It's just jokey singing gone long.
I think ballet is nonsensical.
I'm aware that people dedicate their lives to getting good at it, but they shouldn't.
They're all wiggling around and, apparently, there's a story, but if you want to find out the story, you have to read the programme, like a book.
"Oh, look, apparently somebody's trapped inside the body of a swan.
" Why are you telling me? Call the RSPB .
.
or the Queen.
Also, I don't like music.
I know that everyone likes music, but I don't like it.
It's too noisy, shut up, music.
I don't want to have an emotion I didn't have a minute ago, thank you.
I don't want any memories.
I do like Drake, but that's only because I got off with him once in an Uber.
Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure we'd all agree that the worst musical style is jazz.
You're really different with me.
Jazz is the worst.
I think it's the worst noise that human beings make.
It's oral excrement.
"Oh, Sara, is your dad a jazz musician?" Shut up, my ex-boyfriend's therapist.
This has got nothing to do with my It's connected to my dad.
A stressed off-beat just reminds me of being neglected.
What else don't I like? Oh, there is a good part of an art gallery - it's called the gift shop.
Here we go, now we're talking.
Pencils, sharpeners, postcards, but everyone is very disapproving if you run through the gallery yelling, "Gift shop!" You're supposed to stop and look at some of the pictures.
Why are we stopping and looking? It's not magic eye.
I can see what they are straight away.
Like, dogs, a horse, a dead-old rich person, gift shop! Also, if you're one of the people who stops in front of one of the ones that's just a colour Stop, stop pretending.
I know you're not feeling anything.
"Oh, oh, but, Sara, isn't stand-up comedy an art form?" No, no.
Clearly not.
Also, don't get me wrong, some people do stand-up exceptionally well, but you know that it isn't an art form because no-one's ever had to explain to you what it means.
It just works or it doesn't, it's a craft.
It's either funny and it's stand-up comedy, or it's not and it's a TED Talk.
Yeah, yeah.
And it's good, and I like that I am a craftsperson.
Because a craftsperson dedicates their life to getting better at something, at honing their skill.
It's like if I was a chair maker and I brought out a chair, and you sat on it and it supported your weight, well, then, that is good craftsmanship.
If I bring out a chair, and you sit on it and it collapses, and you fall on the floor, that's brilliant comedy.
I made you think I was a chair maker! I pranked you.
I'm fun, is the point I was trying to make, I'm really fun.
Valentine's Day this year, I decided I was going to go to Paris all by myself, and that's because I'm a single woman.
And also, I don't like the term single.
I hate the term single.
I prefer the term very, very lonely.
The thing is, you know, I don't like that we use I think being single is the default.
I don't like this whole idea that you're supposed to be in a couple.
Human beings are meant to be sold separately.
We're not Twixes, we're Peperamis.
Whether you're in a relationship or not, you are alone.
It's that cliche, of course, but you're born alone and you die alone, asterix - unless you are a conjoined twin, in which case you're born with somebody else, you freakish Twix.
The only way that you're not alone is if you're one of those twins who grew round the other one while you were in the womb, but you might not even know.
You might be sitting there thinking you're normal, and then one day you go for a scan and the nurse faints because your tumour has hair and a face.
It's a whole thing, and you'll know this cos you see comedy, but you know when people do, like, mean jokes, they do horrible jokes about people? I always think, "No, jokes just shouldn't be nasty about people, "unless they grew round their twin in the womb.
" I think they deserve everything they get.
I think murdering someone by growing round them is one of the worst things a person can do, and if you did grow round your twin in the womb and you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, well, this is unfair," you should have thought about that before you engulfed your brother and kept him in your colon.
My point was, I went to Paris.
I went to Paris on Valentine's Day, didn't I? Because I thought, "Look, it's the most romantic city in the world, "on the most romantic day.
" I thought it would be hilarious.
"I've got to write stand-up comedy," I thought, "It's going to be so funny.
I'll be walking around weeping, "as people point going, 'Elle est unlovable'.
" I've been to Paris before, three times, each time with my ex-boyfriend.
That's where we had our three biggest rows.
First time, because eight months into the relationship, I found out he had a horrible secret.
He grew round his twin in the womb.
Second time, we had a horrible argument because he wasn't into PDAs, or PDAs That is public displays of affection, or private displays of affection.
On the third time, we just felt an argument brewing and booked the Eurostar.
So, this is my first time in Paris all by myself.
The first thing I noticed was, when you're in a couple, you see the entire world behind their head.
You're always looking at their lovely face, the world is a backdrop.
When you take that person away, you see more world.
So that's good.
Yeah, you see more, you notice more stuff, like how rubbish some of the tourist attractions are.
I went up the Eiffel Tower.
If you're not kissing someone, it's just a high-up cage.
It's not a good day out.
But nothing funny happened the entire time I was there, which was four days, nothing funny.
"Oh, so, Sara, why are you telling us?" Because otherwise that trip is not tax deductible.
It's awful, and you're clapping it, and it's true.
It's true.
I would like to speak to you now about a much more positive thing.
I'm going to introduce to you now a fantastic comedian.
He is the best joker I'd say this country has ever created.
I think you're going to absolutely love the incredible Gary Delaney! Woo! Yeah! Woo! Yeah! Woo! You know when you're a kid .
.
and you go to the dentist .
.
and if you don't cry, they give you a badge or a sticker, yeah? Well, I had a prostate exam today.
Just get rid of this.
Hello, Apollo.
Ah, you seem nice.
So, my grief counsellor died recently, but But, luckily, he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
Nice to be back, though.
Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.
I had to disappoint her.
We had sex.
Somebody over there laughing at the idea somebody might have asked me for sex.
It wasn't supposed to be the funny bit in that joke, but nice to see you again.
I'd recognise that laugh anywhere .
.
only tonight, it's slightly less hurtful.
I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.
I got a DVD, How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.
It was really good, I had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning.
The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.
I mean, obviously they don't know that yet.
I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS, but she shat on me from a great height.
I think it's sad the word "legend" has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone, to unexpectedly returning with crisps.
I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn't help because my garden was portrait.
Every Christmas Day, we always have pigs in blankets, or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.
It's tradition in our family that we always have a Christmas jumper, and then it's my job to talk them down.
I went on a barging holiday.
I haven't got a boat, I just kept pushing people into canals.
I don't like to eat anything labelled "reformed ham".
As I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track.
This morning, I went to a meeting at my premature ejaculator's support group.
Turns out, it's tomorrow.
I can't believe the gentleman there started clapping before the end of that joke, which is ironic.
I do appreciate that.
I accidentally kicked my dog earlier, and it bit me on the bollocks.
My mate said, "It's karma.
" I said, "No, if anything, it's even more angry.
I tell you what always catches my eye Short people with umbrellas.
I put on a lot of weight, so I rang up Weight Watchers, I said, "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?" They said, "Yes, we can, we've got loads of them.
" I was actually thrown out of Weight Watchers for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in.
As you can imagine, I accepted the decision with huge Grace, because they threw her out as well.
I was watching TV, the announcer said there's a documentary about the clitoris on the red button, but I couldn't find it.
If you watch a porn film backwards, it's about a man who hoovers spunk off a woman Then breaks her washing machine and leaves.
We've all done it.
A friend of mine had a penis extension.
Now his house looks really stupid.
I was in a sex shop, I saw a dildo described as nine inches long and realistic.
I thought, "Well, which is it?" My grandad went down in history, and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.
There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween, "WITCHES" I thought PPI was just something you could get if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one.
She was livid! "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?" I bought a chocolate bar.
On the inside of the wrapper it said, "You're a loser.
" I wouldn't have minded if there'd been some sort of competition on.
To make things worse, it was a Boost.
My uncle Derek was found dead with a belt round his neck and a dildo up his arse.
At his funeral, the vicar said we'd always remember him for his charity work.
Wrong.
I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel She died.
I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.
When I heard you could now be a sperm donor by post, I came in a Jiffy.
My girlfriend she said she wanted to try some new condoms with something special inside to boost her pleasure.
I said, "Ooh, what's that?" And she said, "Other men's cocks.
" I've been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her key ring but she just keeps fobbing me off.
You've been lovely, I've been Gary Delaney, thank you, goodnight, bye-bye.
Give it up for Gary Delaney! I'm going to introduce to you another comedian now, I've gigged with him several times and every time, I've been so impressed with his wit and his energy, and if you haven't seen him before, I'm so excited for you that you're going to get to see him now.
Can you please go absolutely wild and crazy for Larry Dean! Thank you very much, hello! It's a pleasure to be here.
I'm not from round here.
If you're trying to place my accent, I'm from the EU.
Well, it's good to be in London town, man, I'm from Glasgow.
Means I'm friendly, because we're very friendly in Glasgow.
Although we're a scary friendly.
We'll give you directions, but we'll follow you to make sure that you've done them correctly.
It's strange coming back down here, ever since the EU referendum.
Since Scotland voted to stay and England voted to leave, Scottish people feel as if they've got a moral high ground.
Have I pronounced that correctly? Because we've never had one of them before in Scotland.
It's so weird, on the day of the vote, we were like, "Ah, we've won! Because we've lost.
" That's the most Scottish thing we've ever done.
And ever since, it seemed like afterwards, that England was becoming more right-wing, so Scotland started becoming more left-wing.
It was as if Scottish people had gone, "What - England's being racist? "Oh, no, we're not doing that any more, guys, no.
"If England's doing it, we are not doing that.
" It's making Scottish people better people.
As soon as England shows any racism, Scottish people are like, "Oh, no, what are you on about? We love foreigners here.
" Judging somebody based on a religion? No, we've never done that either.
It wasn't my first thought, though, after Brexit, because I thought, like, like a lot of Remain voters, I thought, "I'm moving, I'm going to move.
" I thought, "I'm going to move to Australia, "because if I'm going to live on a racist island, "it may as well be sunny.
" Thank you very much.
I would've It would have been bad to move, man, though, cos I do like living here, and that.
And also, I'd have missed my family too much.
I moved back in with my parents about a year ago, cos I got out of a relationship.
You don't really move back in with your parents for a good reason, do you? It's not, "Oh, I got a promotion at work, "so I thought Mummy and Daddy could do with some company.
" Usually, it's either emotional issues or financial issues.
My dad called mine "the double whammy".
As soon as I moved back in with them, I thought, "I've got to start dating again, I need an out plan, right?" On my first date back, I was terrified.
It didn't help, right, that the guy was a bit weird.
Oh, yeah, guy - I'm a gay person.
Key change, here we go, sisters! That's right, I'm a sodomite.
Nothing more scary than a Glaswegian gay man.
I'm gonnae bum you.
Sorry, mate.
You're heterosexual? A nod of the head there, "Yes, I love the vulva.
" I don't know why I had to change my voice for that.
"Yes, I love the vulva.
" Larry Dean, BBC News, I'm very gay.
This is my favourite bit of any gig, man, I love this bit, it's so much fun, because I'm just looking at all the straight men in the room looking at me going, "Hold on, he's gay? "He doesn't look gay.
"I don't look gay.
"Maybe I'm gay?" Actually, to be honest, I don't even like the word gay.
I'm not a fan of the word gay.
The word gay gets used quite derogatory sometimes.
It would be like, "Oh, that's gay, I don't like that, that's gay.
" In Scotland, we don't even need to use that word.
In Scotland, we can describe somebody as a homosexual by using any noun in the English language.
Like, what? Is he a blueberry, aye? Oh, see that guy, I've heard he's a lava lamp.
I found this out when I was having an argument with my dad, right, cos I could see my dad wanted to call me a big Jessie, but I could see him thinking, "I don't know if that's homophobic now, actually," so my dad went, "Ah, get lost, you big "duvet!" Because I, like, I thought, "I'll try and be camp, right," because I thought, "If I'm camp, then people will know already, "so I won't need to tell people," because sometimes you assume, right, so I started going around with my wrist down I know, I don't look camp - I just look ill.
I did that for a while, though, and I got to go to Disneyland for free, so it wasn't all bad.
But nobody thought I was gay, so I started putting my bum out as well.
That's my problem, if I was camp, I would just look like a dinosaur.
Walking down the road like that.
"Ooh, there's a sale on" I'm sorry, pal, sorry, man, you all right? You're all right, mate, you're a hetrosaur! Hey! I'll make him a "mega sore ass"! Wey! Just so you know, I'm a postman, not a postbox.
Oh, what a lovely reaction that was.
Some people were laughing, others going, what the hell does he mean? How I deliver the male, hey-hey! I'm terrified of that, though, man, I'm so scared of anything going near my bum.
Goodnight.
Honestly, I'm so scared of it.
I'm what gay people call "selfish".
But I have to I didn't know this by the way - apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum That's the sound of women who trim their fingernails.
I had no idea.
Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum when they are getting a blow job.
That's like trying to get the last drop out of a Frube.
Folks, you've been absolutely lovely.
This has been a dream come true for me.
I've been Larry Dean, enjoy the rest of your night.
Take care, cheers, thank you.
How good is Larry Dean?! Please give it up for Gary Delaney, Larry Dean.
You've been an incredible audience.
I hope you've enjoyed your night.
I'm Sara Pascoe, goodnight!