Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e01 Episode Script
Gabby Logan, Chris McCausland, Angela Scanlon, John Simm
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening! Welcome to Would I Lie To You? The show that separates the truth from the twaddle.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a brilliant actor, who says he gets upset when he works abroad, because he misses his family so much.
Like I said, he's a brilliant actor.
It's John Simm! APPLAUSE Thank you.
And a sports presenter who's been described as the female Gary Lineker, although she doesn't have big ears, or stink of crisps.
It's Gabby Logan! APPLAUSE Thank you for that.
And on Lee Mack's team tonight, she's the host of a Sunday morning show on Radio 2, which I find is the perfect listen for when I've just got in from clubbing.
It's Angela Scanlon! APPLAUSE And a comedian and actor who's appeared on CBeebies.
He was almost late tonight, because of rail replacement works on the Ninky Nonk.
It's Chris McCausland! APPLAUSE We begin as always with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with, and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Chris, you're first tonight.
OK.
They offered me this in braille, but, as blind people go, I'm pretty rubbish, and I can't read any of that nonsense.
So LAUGHTER .
.
Lee, will you please do me the honours and read what is on that card? I certainly will.
For a whole month, I thought my neighbour was ignoring me, and he thought I was ignoring him, until he found out I was blind, and I found out he was deaf.
LAUGHTER David's team? So, he's your next door neighbour, is that right? - Erm - Do you need me to read it again? LAUGHTER - He's my neighbour, David.
- Right.
There's three flats.
I live in the middle and he lives on the bottom.
And who lives upstairs? A policeman.
LAUGHTER - And - And he can't speak.
LAUGHTER So, you thought he was being standoffish? I thought he was being the rudest person that I've ever met.
I was there, for example, on the day that he moved in, and I said hello to him and he completely ignored me.
LAUGHTER Maybe he didn't.
Maybe he went Well, I don't know what you're doing, and that's Gabby, you have perfectly highlighted exactly what probably happened.
- So, he He's deaf.
- Yes.
But he can see? Yeah.
Otherwise he'd be in real trouble, really.
Just becausewouldn't he see you saying hello to him? Over the course of a month, there were separate incidents where we each thought the other was being rude.
So, the first time that he was moving in, he was carrying boxes into the house and I was halfway up the stairs.
I shouted hello to him and he never said anything back to me, and I thought, "That's a bit rude.
" And you knew he was there just through hearing? You heard the sound and you knew "Oh, that'll be the new bloke arriving?" Contrary to popular belief, deaf people do make a noise.
So So, but, but other occasions, I would be outside, like, doing something with the car.
I like packing the car, unpacking the car, maybe doing some Not driving the car? No.
Me wife has to do that for entirely legal reasons, Rob.
I reckon I could probably do the motorways if they had them things up the bowling alley down the sides.
A number of times, he'd come back to the flat and he'd, like, waved and smiled at me and I'd not known he was there and completely blanked him.
And then I'd heard him walk past and I'd shouted hello to him, but I was talking to his back then, and he never answered me.
And this went on for quite a while, really.
How did it resolve itself? Did the policeman intervene and sort him out? I called the police and he came down .
.
and then I had a hunch he must be deaf.
I guessed that that was the only possible plausible option.
I'm exactly like that with my audiences when they're not laughing.
I actually bumped into his mum, who was visiting, and I said, like, "He's deaf, isn't he?" And she said yeah.
That's a bold opening gambit.
We have each other's mobile numbers now - and so we're able to - Hang on, let me think about this for a second.
How does he answer the phone? We have text messages, Lee.
Right, you know the next question, don't you? So My phone talks.
It reads everything out.
And if, I mean, just to give you an insight, even the emojis, if you use an emoji, it tells you what the emoji is.
And the smiley face, the one thatthe main smiley face, specifically for blind people, that one is called "smiling face with normal eyes".
APPLAUSE I don't know if I'm expected to use the smiling face with sunglasses, but It turns out as well, which took me by surprise, that he's Australian, which you associate it with the accent, don't you? But, like, he's just Australian in his head.
I mean OK, let's, let's This isthis is becoming odd.
I mean, if any of this is offensive, they don't have to put APPLAUSE John, what are you thinking? Well, I'm thinking, I don't know, I don't believe it.
You think he made that up?! What do you think, Gabby? There's lots about it that I don't think is true.
I believe it.
- I believe it, but I - You believe it, they don't.
- No, I'm not - I'm not going to overrule my team though.
No, you haven't got the strength of character.
I don't feel strong enough about it to overrule you.
- No, I mean, it is plausible, it is plausible.
- OK.
- We're going to say true.
- Right.
They're saying it's true.
Chris, truth or lie? It is .
.
100% .
.
true.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Chris and his neighbour really did think they were ignoring each other.
John.
You're next.
I once stripped naked, then accidentally climbed into bed with my father-in-law.
- Lee's team.
- Were you drunk? - Yes.
- Was it his bed or was it a spare bed in your house? It was our bedroom in our house, and they'd been baby-sitting, and so I noticed another presence in the bed, - which I assumed to be my wife.
- Yeah.
What a lovely thing to say about your wife.
"Sorry, love, it's just that you look like, you know, your dad.
" It was dark! It was dark, she'd gone to bed before me and she's Watching telly, you know.
- What were you watching, just out of interest? - I can't remember.
- What time was it? - Four o'clock in the morning.
Four o'clock in the morning? Probably repeats of this on Dave! So, this is your bed? Where were you, then? On sofas downstairs? No, we were in the spare room.
Oh, that's lovely.
- You've given up your superior bed - Yes.
- .
.
for the in-laws.
- Yeah.
Lee, what do you do when your in-laws come round? I make up a really lovely, lovely bed with lovely silk sheets and a lovely thing, and put that in the shed.
- So, you're coming to bed.
- Yep.
You think that your wife, she's gone ahead of you.
I thought she'd be spark out.
Spark out in the bed.
Yeah, and I've often done this journey in the dark, so she's often in bed before me.
- Yes.
- And I know what to do.
I can do it in the dark.
Clothes off LAUGHTER Whip the clothes off, round the side of the bed, leap in, give her a snuggle.
Oh, did you Did you give her a snuggle? I went to give her a snuggle Naked? Which way was he facing? Thank God, he was facing the other way.
I spooned him.
You spooned him? Like that makes it better?! I think it's worse! I think you'd have to have done it both ways to know which is worse.
That's true.
Were you spooning in the way you spoon when you want to have a cuddle as you go to sleep, or were you spooning in a way which was hoping to just nudge her awake? - Luckily - There's a subtle difference between those two.
But, luckily, I wasn't quite that excited yet.
Yet! LAUGHTER - Oh, my word.
- He's quick though.
I mean, honestly, I mean, a whippet LAUGHTER I jump in, I go for the spoon.
And, as I'm sort of approaching the body in the bed, I hear, "John?!" I literally flew out the bed.
"Argh!" And then the lamp went on and I'm trying to put my underpants - back on, cos I'm naked.
- You're completely naked! Yes! The whole thing, I'm trying to get leg in, twisted, fell over It was like a comic.
It was ridiculous.
Why would you go to the effort of trying to put your underpants on in front of them? - Because I was naked! - Yeah, but you wouldn't do in front of them.
- Chris is right.
- Just grab them and leave.
That's the sort of strategic decision you make when you're used to doing that.
The first time, you could very easily think, "I both want to leave and dress myself," and make the mistake of trying to do the two things at once.
And what happened in terms of the father-in-law? He was very, very lovely about it and he went, "One too many last night?" and I went, "Yeah.
" And that was it.
What are you thinking? - Is it striking you as true? - That's definitely possible.
I believe he has issues with alcohol.
- I'm going true.
- You're saying true.
- Yeah, I'm Yeah.
- OK.
- I will go with my team and blame them.
- You'll say it's true.
OK.
John, were you telling us the truth or were you telling us a lie? It is, in fact, sadly .
.
true.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true! John did climb into bed naked with his father-in-law.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Richard.
APPLAUSE So, John, what is Richard to you? This is Richard.
He's the stunt horse rider who galloped me through a moonlit forest so I wouldn't miss the Man United-Bolton game.
Gabby, how do you know Richard? This is Richard.
He is the flight attendant who persuaded me I wasn't dying but I had trapped wind.
LAUGHTER Finally, David, what's your relationship with Richard? This is Richard.
He came to my aid at the local tip when I lost my specs in his great big skip.
Lovely.
So, there we have it.
- Lee.
- Right.
Would you like me to describe him, by the way? Would that help you suss out which of the three he might know? Yeah.
A little bit of audio description.
OK, well, he looks quite a cool dude, actually, so we can rule out that he knows David.
Actually, I think you might know him, because he's dressed as a policeman and he's not talking.
- So, who are you going to quiz first? - Right.
John, - he's the stunt man that covered you? - No, well, we were using horses in this production I was filming, and we were in Scotland, and that's when he offered to help me.
What was it you said? You said he galloped you to a television? Yeah.
So, you got on the back? Spooned behind him? Well LAUGHTER I wouldn't say I was spooning him, no, I was just riding on the back of his horse.
You were clothed? Fully clothed! Yeah.
And the horse would have been quicker than a car - in this instance? - In this instance, yes.
We'd talked about it earlier in the day and he said, "I know exactly where you can watch it.
"There's a pub over there and I can definitely get "you there for kick-off.
" And he did.
And he literally pulled up outside the pub, you jumped off and ran into - the pub like a desperate cowboy? - Well, no, he came in with me.
He came in with you? What did you do with the horse? - Tied it up outside on the thing.
- You tied it up outside on the thing?! Was this in, like, mid America in the 1870s? What do you mean you tied What thing did you tie it to? I didn't see.
I just got off the horse, and then he came in.
You got where you were going and you went into a bar and you didn't take the horse purely for the joke that would have followed? Am I the only one who doesn't know what the joke - The reason why you don't - Why the long face? Yeah, but the reason why you've never heard that joke, Rob, is because people It's a bit sensitive with you, isn't it? LAUGHTER You sound like you've got quite a little round face.
LAUGHTER Isn't that lovely? Thank you very much, Chris.
It wasn't meant to be a compliment, but What kind of faces do the rest of us sound like we have? That's quite interesting, yeah.
Take some time with Lee in particular.
Lee just He sounds like he looks like a cheeky little monkey who's the only one that knows he's about to fling a poo.
Wow.
Please can I use that on my posters for the next tour? What about David? David! From voice alone He sounds like he looks like a toby jug of a duck.
That is bang on! - I mean, I think - That is the image I go for! I think this deaf neighbour of yours was right the first time! Right.
Lee, who would you like to quiz next? - OK.
Gabby.
- Just remind us, Gabby So, this is Richard and he is the airline steward who persuaded me I wasn't dying - I had trapped wind.
OK.
So, what were your symptoms? I felt, like, really breathless and I just couldn't I felt like I couldn't get a breath at first.
You hadn't opened the window again, had you? My husband looked across the aisle and said, "You look a bit pale.
" You say your husband looked across.
You mean he came from economy up to first class.
He said, "You look a bit pale," and I said, "I can't get any breath," and I just felt really, really uncomfortable.
- Where were you going to? - We were going home.
- From? Well, that helps us.
"We were going home.
" - We were going from Gibraltar.
- Quite close to home at this point? No.
Quite early on in the flight.
About 10, 15 minutes into the flight I started to feel a bit dodgy.
Anyway, then, lo and behold Richard came down and he said, "Are you all right?" I said, "I'm really not feeling great, actually.
" He said, "Come up here," and brought me up into the galley.
- And then, well, I heard him talking to the captain.
- Ooh! And then I heard the word "doctor" being mentioned and I heard - the words - Oh, my God! What do you mean you heard the word "doctor?" Cos that could be quite scary if he said, "Listen, pilot, we need a" "I'm not a pilot, actually, I'm a doctor.
" That would have released the wind! And I thought I was dying.
I thought I'd ruptured my appendix or something like that.
And what kind of things did he say to calm you down? I think he said, "Well, if we do go down in the sea, don't worry, "you're full of wind, you'll float for longer.
" - Well, at some point - And that chilled her out! APPLAUSE At some point, he kind of knelt down in his very caring way and said, "There is a possibility this could be trapped wind," which filled me with horror, because it was just going to all come out at some point and that's embarrassing.
Yeah, but better than dying! So, then he just went one step further and he said to me, "If we lower the plane, there's a good chance" What, so your internal pressure would be less? So he said, "There's a good chance it could come out, but I've got to warn you" Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Would that work? Does the science add up there, that you're more likely - to release wind? - At this point Otherwise, by that logic everyone would be farting on takeoff.
MAKES FARTING NOISE You're not saying that it was beginning its descent? Well, I don't know how far out it would begin its descent, but Not 15 minutes after takeoff! By this point we're, like, over halfway into the journey.
So, he said to the cockpit, "Bring it down," and did they do that? Apparently they did.
"Quick! Bring the plane down.
I think she might blow.
" LAUGHTER So, what happens? They bring it down and what was the effect on you? Well, within a few seconds, minutes maybe, a tiny, tiny, tiny little burp came out of my mouth.
- Out of your mouth? - I thought, "That's it.
I'm good.
" And I walked back to my seat Did everybody cheer and clap? - The truth is, when I say that - The truth is it didn't happen, Gabby! - The truth is, when I say it - None of this has ever happened.
I don't think you've even ever been to Gibraltar! The only bit of this that I believe is that you fart a lot! APPLAUSE What about David? Remind us of your claim.
This is Richard.
He came to my aid at the local tip when I lost my specs in his great big skip.
What, what were you doing at the tip? What were you getting rid of? - I was getting - Not another body, David! Not another body.
No.
Erm, II bury them.
Cover themin acid.
But, no, this was two CD players and a DVD player.
What did you do with them at the tip? I put them in the small electrical goods skip thing.
And so what did you do? Did you lean right over to put them further in the middle? I lent right over.
Did you place them? Was it a shallow skip? No, no, it was deep.
You had to go up a staircase, like a wheelie set of stairs.
Yes.
Now, most people throw things in skips by just lobbing them.
They don't lean over, and I'm trying to work out Stairs, and then lean over, no? The up-the-stairs thing, I'm not I mean, how tall was this skip? Why didn't you just Oh, it was about a foot high, but I thought it'd be fun to climb a staircase! Take us now to the crux.
The l The losing of the glasses.
The losing of the glasses.
OK, so, I throw the things in - Oh - the skip, and they make a crashing sound and I lean in peer, to see what I what I in my mightiness have wrought.
LAUGHTER - My glasses are a bit loose and - You had quite a sweaty head - from all of the effort of lugging the two CD players - Absolutely.
The effort of going up all the stairs, thinking, "This isn't very practical.
What if I was throwing away a dishwasher?" And they slid down my sweaty .
.
toby jug duck beak - And fell into the skip? - .
.
and fell into the skip.
Did you shout for help? I went, "Excuse me!" And then, what, Richard appeared? He appeared.
He goes into the skip.
- Yeah? - I mean, I'd explained in words what had happened.
I said, "My glasses just fell off.
They should be directly below here.
" - Did he not say, "Well, in you go, then"? - Yeah.
Why did he think it was his job to do that? He said, "It's all right.
I'll go in and get them.
" - And did you ask why? - Why he'd go in and get them? - Yeah.
Why, did I want to talk him out of it? So, he'd come over and you'd said, IMPERSONATING DAVID: "Could you go and get my glasses?" I quacked.
He gave me some bread.
I said, "Actually, that's not good for me.
I need seed.
" LAUGHTER Never, ever say that to a stranger at the tip! So, did you get the glasses? - Yes.
- Good! Right, we need an answer, so, Lee's team, is Richard John's horseback hero, Gabby's steward saviour, or David's rubbish rescuer? - Oh! Tricky, tricky, tricky.
- It is really tricky.
- Chris.
- I can't go with Gabby, meself.
I don't know.
Like, trapped wind is very painful! What about David? If anybody's going to the tip to do the physical work, it's Mrs Mitchell, isn't it? LAUGHTER So, who are you thinking? John? Well, we were chatting earlier in the green room and he told me - he was a Man United fan.
- OK.
OK.
So, what are you going to say, Lee? - We'll go John.
- You're going John.
OK.
Richard, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Richard and I am the flight attendant that helped Gabby.
Oh, no! No way! Richard, you're on national television.
Did you ask the pilot to lower the plane? We were descending anyway.
Yes.
Richard is Gabby's steward saviour.
Thank you very much, Richard.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Angela.
I once chatted to an old man because I felt sorry for him, only to find out later he was a global megastar.
David's team.
- Well, we have to know who the global megastar was.
- Who was he? Erm, Steven Spielberg.
Where did you see Steven Spielberg and take pity on him? Erm, the Baftas.
I was doing the red carpet thing for BBC Three.
So, had he stopped for an interview with you? Erm, no.
So, I was, you know, waiting for the next person to come up.
It was Michael Fassbender.
And I was, you know, getting in the zone, and then I saw this, you know, very refined older gentleman standing there and I thought he was maybe somebody's dad.
There wasn't a lot of fuss around him? Cos he is Steven Spielberg.
You'd think.
He looked a little bit lost and I thought, "I'm just going to have a chat with him," cos it could be my dad and I'd want someone to have a chat with him.
Did you put the microphone there to have the chat with him? No, I thought it was an old man, chatting.
It would be an odd way, if you saw somebody a bit lost and a bit old-looking, to go, "Are you lost?" "Are you lost?" - Yeah, also - So, you stepped away from your cameraman and the crew Yep.
So, I had a bit of downtime.
There was a VT playing, whatever.
- Yeah.
- ET? - VT.
- Thought they'd put one of his films on, then! - No.
- So, anyway - "What are you watching, old man?" "I did this one.
" "Eyy! Why is the monkey on the bike?" So, what did you say to him, Angela? I was like, "Is this your first time at the Baftas?" And he said, "No, actually, "I've been a few times, but not for quite a while.
" I was like, "OK, maybe he's not somebody's dad.
" And I said, "Oh, OK.
"Who are you looking forward to seeing tonight?" Oh, I thought you said, "Who are you looking for?" Like, I just kept it loose - you know, "Who do you want to win?" "Have you any favourites?" "It's been a strong year for film.
" You actually said, "Fill-um"? STRONG IRISH ACCENT: "Do you work in the films yourself, like?" APPLAUSE How did it conclude? And then I could feel the cameras coming towards us.
And they were like, "Interview him!" Is that the idea? No, no, no.
As in, I just kept going.
- Cos you saw the cameras? - Yeah.
- So, you DID start to bring the microphone in? - Yeah, when did the microphone I was miked, so he could be picked up on my microphone.
- Did you ask him to speak into your chest? - No, no, no LAUGHTER Similar height.
So, why did you not think to use the hand-held, then? Well, it would be a bit awkward if then I'm like, "Oh, he must be someone.
Can I have the microphone?" and keep talking to him.
Well, you must have known that he was someone prominent.
Yeah, obviously, but I can't ask him! It would be a great last question in an interview! And just to sum up "Who are you?" APPLAUSE John, does it ring true to you? Could that happen? - I just think - Everyone would know.
Everyone would know what Steven Spielberg Was he wearing glasses? Erm, I think so.
Are we playing Guess Who? I can't believe, in the whole time you were chatting, nobody went past and said, "Hey, Steve, how are you doing?" You know, and that maybe rang a bell? But they thought we were having an interview, I suppose.
But you didn't have a microphone or a camera, so why do they think that? You are obsessed with this microphone, Gabby! She is not pitch-side with Dion Dublin.
It's not important! So, what are you thinking, then? David, what about you? - We're going to go lie.
- You're saying it's a lie.
- I'm saying it's a lie.
Angela, Steven Spielberg on the red carpet Truth or lie? He's a lovely man.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS ROB LAUGHING BUZZER That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that the scores are tied.
It's a draw! APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a brilliant actor, who says he gets upset when he works abroad, because he misses his family so much.
Like I said, he's a brilliant actor.
It's John Simm! APPLAUSE Thank you.
And a sports presenter who's been described as the female Gary Lineker, although she doesn't have big ears, or stink of crisps.
It's Gabby Logan! APPLAUSE Thank you for that.
And on Lee Mack's team tonight, she's the host of a Sunday morning show on Radio 2, which I find is the perfect listen for when I've just got in from clubbing.
It's Angela Scanlon! APPLAUSE And a comedian and actor who's appeared on CBeebies.
He was almost late tonight, because of rail replacement works on the Ninky Nonk.
It's Chris McCausland! APPLAUSE We begin as always with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with, and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Chris, you're first tonight.
OK.
They offered me this in braille, but, as blind people go, I'm pretty rubbish, and I can't read any of that nonsense.
So LAUGHTER .
.
Lee, will you please do me the honours and read what is on that card? I certainly will.
For a whole month, I thought my neighbour was ignoring me, and he thought I was ignoring him, until he found out I was blind, and I found out he was deaf.
LAUGHTER David's team? So, he's your next door neighbour, is that right? - Erm - Do you need me to read it again? LAUGHTER - He's my neighbour, David.
- Right.
There's three flats.
I live in the middle and he lives on the bottom.
And who lives upstairs? A policeman.
LAUGHTER - And - And he can't speak.
LAUGHTER So, you thought he was being standoffish? I thought he was being the rudest person that I've ever met.
I was there, for example, on the day that he moved in, and I said hello to him and he completely ignored me.
LAUGHTER Maybe he didn't.
Maybe he went Well, I don't know what you're doing, and that's Gabby, you have perfectly highlighted exactly what probably happened.
- So, he He's deaf.
- Yes.
But he can see? Yeah.
Otherwise he'd be in real trouble, really.
Just becausewouldn't he see you saying hello to him? Over the course of a month, there were separate incidents where we each thought the other was being rude.
So, the first time that he was moving in, he was carrying boxes into the house and I was halfway up the stairs.
I shouted hello to him and he never said anything back to me, and I thought, "That's a bit rude.
" And you knew he was there just through hearing? You heard the sound and you knew "Oh, that'll be the new bloke arriving?" Contrary to popular belief, deaf people do make a noise.
So So, but, but other occasions, I would be outside, like, doing something with the car.
I like packing the car, unpacking the car, maybe doing some Not driving the car? No.
Me wife has to do that for entirely legal reasons, Rob.
I reckon I could probably do the motorways if they had them things up the bowling alley down the sides.
A number of times, he'd come back to the flat and he'd, like, waved and smiled at me and I'd not known he was there and completely blanked him.
And then I'd heard him walk past and I'd shouted hello to him, but I was talking to his back then, and he never answered me.
And this went on for quite a while, really.
How did it resolve itself? Did the policeman intervene and sort him out? I called the police and he came down .
.
and then I had a hunch he must be deaf.
I guessed that that was the only possible plausible option.
I'm exactly like that with my audiences when they're not laughing.
I actually bumped into his mum, who was visiting, and I said, like, "He's deaf, isn't he?" And she said yeah.
That's a bold opening gambit.
We have each other's mobile numbers now - and so we're able to - Hang on, let me think about this for a second.
How does he answer the phone? We have text messages, Lee.
Right, you know the next question, don't you? So My phone talks.
It reads everything out.
And if, I mean, just to give you an insight, even the emojis, if you use an emoji, it tells you what the emoji is.
And the smiley face, the one thatthe main smiley face, specifically for blind people, that one is called "smiling face with normal eyes".
APPLAUSE I don't know if I'm expected to use the smiling face with sunglasses, but It turns out as well, which took me by surprise, that he's Australian, which you associate it with the accent, don't you? But, like, he's just Australian in his head.
I mean OK, let's, let's This isthis is becoming odd.
I mean, if any of this is offensive, they don't have to put APPLAUSE John, what are you thinking? Well, I'm thinking, I don't know, I don't believe it.
You think he made that up?! What do you think, Gabby? There's lots about it that I don't think is true.
I believe it.
- I believe it, but I - You believe it, they don't.
- No, I'm not - I'm not going to overrule my team though.
No, you haven't got the strength of character.
I don't feel strong enough about it to overrule you.
- No, I mean, it is plausible, it is plausible.
- OK.
- We're going to say true.
- Right.
They're saying it's true.
Chris, truth or lie? It is .
.
100% .
.
true.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Chris and his neighbour really did think they were ignoring each other.
John.
You're next.
I once stripped naked, then accidentally climbed into bed with my father-in-law.
- Lee's team.
- Were you drunk? - Yes.
- Was it his bed or was it a spare bed in your house? It was our bedroom in our house, and they'd been baby-sitting, and so I noticed another presence in the bed, - which I assumed to be my wife.
- Yeah.
What a lovely thing to say about your wife.
"Sorry, love, it's just that you look like, you know, your dad.
" It was dark! It was dark, she'd gone to bed before me and she's Watching telly, you know.
- What were you watching, just out of interest? - I can't remember.
- What time was it? - Four o'clock in the morning.
Four o'clock in the morning? Probably repeats of this on Dave! So, this is your bed? Where were you, then? On sofas downstairs? No, we were in the spare room.
Oh, that's lovely.
- You've given up your superior bed - Yes.
- .
.
for the in-laws.
- Yeah.
Lee, what do you do when your in-laws come round? I make up a really lovely, lovely bed with lovely silk sheets and a lovely thing, and put that in the shed.
- So, you're coming to bed.
- Yep.
You think that your wife, she's gone ahead of you.
I thought she'd be spark out.
Spark out in the bed.
Yeah, and I've often done this journey in the dark, so she's often in bed before me.
- Yes.
- And I know what to do.
I can do it in the dark.
Clothes off LAUGHTER Whip the clothes off, round the side of the bed, leap in, give her a snuggle.
Oh, did you Did you give her a snuggle? I went to give her a snuggle Naked? Which way was he facing? Thank God, he was facing the other way.
I spooned him.
You spooned him? Like that makes it better?! I think it's worse! I think you'd have to have done it both ways to know which is worse.
That's true.
Were you spooning in the way you spoon when you want to have a cuddle as you go to sleep, or were you spooning in a way which was hoping to just nudge her awake? - Luckily - There's a subtle difference between those two.
But, luckily, I wasn't quite that excited yet.
Yet! LAUGHTER - Oh, my word.
- He's quick though.
I mean, honestly, I mean, a whippet LAUGHTER I jump in, I go for the spoon.
And, as I'm sort of approaching the body in the bed, I hear, "John?!" I literally flew out the bed.
"Argh!" And then the lamp went on and I'm trying to put my underpants - back on, cos I'm naked.
- You're completely naked! Yes! The whole thing, I'm trying to get leg in, twisted, fell over It was like a comic.
It was ridiculous.
Why would you go to the effort of trying to put your underpants on in front of them? - Because I was naked! - Yeah, but you wouldn't do in front of them.
- Chris is right.
- Just grab them and leave.
That's the sort of strategic decision you make when you're used to doing that.
The first time, you could very easily think, "I both want to leave and dress myself," and make the mistake of trying to do the two things at once.
And what happened in terms of the father-in-law? He was very, very lovely about it and he went, "One too many last night?" and I went, "Yeah.
" And that was it.
What are you thinking? - Is it striking you as true? - That's definitely possible.
I believe he has issues with alcohol.
- I'm going true.
- You're saying true.
- Yeah, I'm Yeah.
- OK.
- I will go with my team and blame them.
- You'll say it's true.
OK.
John, were you telling us the truth or were you telling us a lie? It is, in fact, sadly .
.
true.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true! John did climb into bed naked with his father-in-law.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Richard.
APPLAUSE So, John, what is Richard to you? This is Richard.
He's the stunt horse rider who galloped me through a moonlit forest so I wouldn't miss the Man United-Bolton game.
Gabby, how do you know Richard? This is Richard.
He is the flight attendant who persuaded me I wasn't dying but I had trapped wind.
LAUGHTER Finally, David, what's your relationship with Richard? This is Richard.
He came to my aid at the local tip when I lost my specs in his great big skip.
Lovely.
So, there we have it.
- Lee.
- Right.
Would you like me to describe him, by the way? Would that help you suss out which of the three he might know? Yeah.
A little bit of audio description.
OK, well, he looks quite a cool dude, actually, so we can rule out that he knows David.
Actually, I think you might know him, because he's dressed as a policeman and he's not talking.
- So, who are you going to quiz first? - Right.
John, - he's the stunt man that covered you? - No, well, we were using horses in this production I was filming, and we were in Scotland, and that's when he offered to help me.
What was it you said? You said he galloped you to a television? Yeah.
So, you got on the back? Spooned behind him? Well LAUGHTER I wouldn't say I was spooning him, no, I was just riding on the back of his horse.
You were clothed? Fully clothed! Yeah.
And the horse would have been quicker than a car - in this instance? - In this instance, yes.
We'd talked about it earlier in the day and he said, "I know exactly where you can watch it.
"There's a pub over there and I can definitely get "you there for kick-off.
" And he did.
And he literally pulled up outside the pub, you jumped off and ran into - the pub like a desperate cowboy? - Well, no, he came in with me.
He came in with you? What did you do with the horse? - Tied it up outside on the thing.
- You tied it up outside on the thing?! Was this in, like, mid America in the 1870s? What do you mean you tied What thing did you tie it to? I didn't see.
I just got off the horse, and then he came in.
You got where you were going and you went into a bar and you didn't take the horse purely for the joke that would have followed? Am I the only one who doesn't know what the joke - The reason why you don't - Why the long face? Yeah, but the reason why you've never heard that joke, Rob, is because people It's a bit sensitive with you, isn't it? LAUGHTER You sound like you've got quite a little round face.
LAUGHTER Isn't that lovely? Thank you very much, Chris.
It wasn't meant to be a compliment, but What kind of faces do the rest of us sound like we have? That's quite interesting, yeah.
Take some time with Lee in particular.
Lee just He sounds like he looks like a cheeky little monkey who's the only one that knows he's about to fling a poo.
Wow.
Please can I use that on my posters for the next tour? What about David? David! From voice alone He sounds like he looks like a toby jug of a duck.
That is bang on! - I mean, I think - That is the image I go for! I think this deaf neighbour of yours was right the first time! Right.
Lee, who would you like to quiz next? - OK.
Gabby.
- Just remind us, Gabby So, this is Richard and he is the airline steward who persuaded me I wasn't dying - I had trapped wind.
OK.
So, what were your symptoms? I felt, like, really breathless and I just couldn't I felt like I couldn't get a breath at first.
You hadn't opened the window again, had you? My husband looked across the aisle and said, "You look a bit pale.
" You say your husband looked across.
You mean he came from economy up to first class.
He said, "You look a bit pale," and I said, "I can't get any breath," and I just felt really, really uncomfortable.
- Where were you going to? - We were going home.
- From? Well, that helps us.
"We were going home.
" - We were going from Gibraltar.
- Quite close to home at this point? No.
Quite early on in the flight.
About 10, 15 minutes into the flight I started to feel a bit dodgy.
Anyway, then, lo and behold Richard came down and he said, "Are you all right?" I said, "I'm really not feeling great, actually.
" He said, "Come up here," and brought me up into the galley.
- And then, well, I heard him talking to the captain.
- Ooh! And then I heard the word "doctor" being mentioned and I heard - the words - Oh, my God! What do you mean you heard the word "doctor?" Cos that could be quite scary if he said, "Listen, pilot, we need a" "I'm not a pilot, actually, I'm a doctor.
" That would have released the wind! And I thought I was dying.
I thought I'd ruptured my appendix or something like that.
And what kind of things did he say to calm you down? I think he said, "Well, if we do go down in the sea, don't worry, "you're full of wind, you'll float for longer.
" - Well, at some point - And that chilled her out! APPLAUSE At some point, he kind of knelt down in his very caring way and said, "There is a possibility this could be trapped wind," which filled me with horror, because it was just going to all come out at some point and that's embarrassing.
Yeah, but better than dying! So, then he just went one step further and he said to me, "If we lower the plane, there's a good chance" What, so your internal pressure would be less? So he said, "There's a good chance it could come out, but I've got to warn you" Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Would that work? Does the science add up there, that you're more likely - to release wind? - At this point Otherwise, by that logic everyone would be farting on takeoff.
MAKES FARTING NOISE You're not saying that it was beginning its descent? Well, I don't know how far out it would begin its descent, but Not 15 minutes after takeoff! By this point we're, like, over halfway into the journey.
So, he said to the cockpit, "Bring it down," and did they do that? Apparently they did.
"Quick! Bring the plane down.
I think she might blow.
" LAUGHTER So, what happens? They bring it down and what was the effect on you? Well, within a few seconds, minutes maybe, a tiny, tiny, tiny little burp came out of my mouth.
- Out of your mouth? - I thought, "That's it.
I'm good.
" And I walked back to my seat Did everybody cheer and clap? - The truth is, when I say that - The truth is it didn't happen, Gabby! - The truth is, when I say it - None of this has ever happened.
I don't think you've even ever been to Gibraltar! The only bit of this that I believe is that you fart a lot! APPLAUSE What about David? Remind us of your claim.
This is Richard.
He came to my aid at the local tip when I lost my specs in his great big skip.
What, what were you doing at the tip? What were you getting rid of? - I was getting - Not another body, David! Not another body.
No.
Erm, II bury them.
Cover themin acid.
But, no, this was two CD players and a DVD player.
What did you do with them at the tip? I put them in the small electrical goods skip thing.
And so what did you do? Did you lean right over to put them further in the middle? I lent right over.
Did you place them? Was it a shallow skip? No, no, it was deep.
You had to go up a staircase, like a wheelie set of stairs.
Yes.
Now, most people throw things in skips by just lobbing them.
They don't lean over, and I'm trying to work out Stairs, and then lean over, no? The up-the-stairs thing, I'm not I mean, how tall was this skip? Why didn't you just Oh, it was about a foot high, but I thought it'd be fun to climb a staircase! Take us now to the crux.
The l The losing of the glasses.
The losing of the glasses.
OK, so, I throw the things in - Oh - the skip, and they make a crashing sound and I lean in peer, to see what I what I in my mightiness have wrought.
LAUGHTER - My glasses are a bit loose and - You had quite a sweaty head - from all of the effort of lugging the two CD players - Absolutely.
The effort of going up all the stairs, thinking, "This isn't very practical.
What if I was throwing away a dishwasher?" And they slid down my sweaty .
.
toby jug duck beak - And fell into the skip? - .
.
and fell into the skip.
Did you shout for help? I went, "Excuse me!" And then, what, Richard appeared? He appeared.
He goes into the skip.
- Yeah? - I mean, I'd explained in words what had happened.
I said, "My glasses just fell off.
They should be directly below here.
" - Did he not say, "Well, in you go, then"? - Yeah.
Why did he think it was his job to do that? He said, "It's all right.
I'll go in and get them.
" - And did you ask why? - Why he'd go in and get them? - Yeah.
Why, did I want to talk him out of it? So, he'd come over and you'd said, IMPERSONATING DAVID: "Could you go and get my glasses?" I quacked.
He gave me some bread.
I said, "Actually, that's not good for me.
I need seed.
" LAUGHTER Never, ever say that to a stranger at the tip! So, did you get the glasses? - Yes.
- Good! Right, we need an answer, so, Lee's team, is Richard John's horseback hero, Gabby's steward saviour, or David's rubbish rescuer? - Oh! Tricky, tricky, tricky.
- It is really tricky.
- Chris.
- I can't go with Gabby, meself.
I don't know.
Like, trapped wind is very painful! What about David? If anybody's going to the tip to do the physical work, it's Mrs Mitchell, isn't it? LAUGHTER So, who are you thinking? John? Well, we were chatting earlier in the green room and he told me - he was a Man United fan.
- OK.
OK.
So, what are you going to say, Lee? - We'll go John.
- You're going John.
OK.
Richard, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Richard and I am the flight attendant that helped Gabby.
Oh, no! No way! Richard, you're on national television.
Did you ask the pilot to lower the plane? We were descending anyway.
Yes.
Richard is Gabby's steward saviour.
Thank you very much, Richard.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Angela.
I once chatted to an old man because I felt sorry for him, only to find out later he was a global megastar.
David's team.
- Well, we have to know who the global megastar was.
- Who was he? Erm, Steven Spielberg.
Where did you see Steven Spielberg and take pity on him? Erm, the Baftas.
I was doing the red carpet thing for BBC Three.
So, had he stopped for an interview with you? Erm, no.
So, I was, you know, waiting for the next person to come up.
It was Michael Fassbender.
And I was, you know, getting in the zone, and then I saw this, you know, very refined older gentleman standing there and I thought he was maybe somebody's dad.
There wasn't a lot of fuss around him? Cos he is Steven Spielberg.
You'd think.
He looked a little bit lost and I thought, "I'm just going to have a chat with him," cos it could be my dad and I'd want someone to have a chat with him.
Did you put the microphone there to have the chat with him? No, I thought it was an old man, chatting.
It would be an odd way, if you saw somebody a bit lost and a bit old-looking, to go, "Are you lost?" "Are you lost?" - Yeah, also - So, you stepped away from your cameraman and the crew Yep.
So, I had a bit of downtime.
There was a VT playing, whatever.
- Yeah.
- ET? - VT.
- Thought they'd put one of his films on, then! - No.
- So, anyway - "What are you watching, old man?" "I did this one.
" "Eyy! Why is the monkey on the bike?" So, what did you say to him, Angela? I was like, "Is this your first time at the Baftas?" And he said, "No, actually, "I've been a few times, but not for quite a while.
" I was like, "OK, maybe he's not somebody's dad.
" And I said, "Oh, OK.
"Who are you looking forward to seeing tonight?" Oh, I thought you said, "Who are you looking for?" Like, I just kept it loose - you know, "Who do you want to win?" "Have you any favourites?" "It's been a strong year for film.
" You actually said, "Fill-um"? STRONG IRISH ACCENT: "Do you work in the films yourself, like?" APPLAUSE How did it conclude? And then I could feel the cameras coming towards us.
And they were like, "Interview him!" Is that the idea? No, no, no.
As in, I just kept going.
- Cos you saw the cameras? - Yeah.
- So, you DID start to bring the microphone in? - Yeah, when did the microphone I was miked, so he could be picked up on my microphone.
- Did you ask him to speak into your chest? - No, no, no LAUGHTER Similar height.
So, why did you not think to use the hand-held, then? Well, it would be a bit awkward if then I'm like, "Oh, he must be someone.
Can I have the microphone?" and keep talking to him.
Well, you must have known that he was someone prominent.
Yeah, obviously, but I can't ask him! It would be a great last question in an interview! And just to sum up "Who are you?" APPLAUSE John, does it ring true to you? Could that happen? - I just think - Everyone would know.
Everyone would know what Steven Spielberg Was he wearing glasses? Erm, I think so.
Are we playing Guess Who? I can't believe, in the whole time you were chatting, nobody went past and said, "Hey, Steve, how are you doing?" You know, and that maybe rang a bell? But they thought we were having an interview, I suppose.
But you didn't have a microphone or a camera, so why do they think that? You are obsessed with this microphone, Gabby! She is not pitch-side with Dion Dublin.
It's not important! So, what are you thinking, then? David, what about you? - We're going to go lie.
- You're saying it's a lie.
- I'm saying it's a lie.
Angela, Steven Spielberg on the red carpet Truth or lie? He's a lovely man.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS ROB LAUGHING BUZZER That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that the scores are tied.
It's a draw! APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.