Celebrity Juice (2008) s13e02 Episode Script
Johnny Vegas, Gino D'Acampo, Ashley Roberts, Dappy
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
And these are my titles.
Plush or what? There is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers! There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful, that nearly went inside me.
And there is Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all in heaven, but don't worry, we are not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice.
On telly.
HD ready.
(CHEERING) Hello.
Hi there.
Hoorah! Hi.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it is Holly Willough-boozy.
Holly, tell us, who is on your team? On my left, I have the very beautiful Ashley Roberts.
And it's happened again.
On my right, um I appear to have nobody.
Is this a weekly occurrence, you are just not going to have anybody? I think it is.
Although this week, I was definitely suppos I was supposed to have Johnny Vegas.
But he is not here.
He is actually running late.
But we do have footage of him on the way.
Here is the footage.
(LAUGHTER) That is genuine footage of Johnny Vegas on the way here.
Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton.
(APPLAUSE) How's it going, lady with baby? Yeah, all good, thank you.
What's going on with everything today? Well, I thought I'd make an effort.
I thought you might say something nice.
I'm not wearing anything stupid.
I haven't given you any grief yet, have you? No, but I'm waiting for it, and it will come.
You look like a fucking stupid hippie.
What the fuck are you wearing? There it is! Who is on your team? You lesbian.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, shut up, you.
You creepy Liberace slime bag.
On my left, he is the capitan, it's Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Thank you.
And on my right # If you're Dappy and you know it, clap your hands It's Dappy! (APPLAUSE) Gino, what are you doing there? What do you mean, what am I doing here? Last week, you were on Holly's team.
I have changed team.
I didn't like that.
Nobody has given a message to the baby yet.
Like a welcome to Celebrity Juice.
And I wanted to be the one to do that.
That's very kind of Can I? How does this work? What are you doing? Fearne, you haven't got any Nutella down there, have you? (LAUGHTER) Because he's easily tricked! Welcome to the show.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Just talking into my vagina.
The baby's saying, "What the fuck's he said? All I heard was fucking debedeedebedee" (LAUGHTER) I don't talk like that.
(AS GINO) Debedeedebedee (LAUGHTER) Everybody (AS GINO) Everybody debedee Hey, brap, brap, it's Dappy in the his-oose.
(APPLAUSE) Dappy, what shit is going down on the streets, you got me?! Keith, quick question, why do you always have to act like such a lemon? Ooh, that were poor.
Last time you were on the show, you were in N-Dubz.
Fazer was still called Fazer.
And Tulisa still had her own teeth, didn't she? (LAUGHTER) You've got a new song out.
Dappy.
Beautiful Me.
First of all, let's talk about the cover.
I think you should have tried harder.
(LAUGHTER) What's the message? Basically, it's just what I've been through in the last two years.
My ups and my downs.
Explaining that everyone is human, we all go through ups and downs.
When you sort of do this, you can see yourself in it, can't you? You've got a new tattoo.
A hashtag.
Let's have a look.
There.
That must have hurt! Tell us about the hashtag.
I just wanted to keep my face trending for ever, really font color="#00ff00" (LAUGHTER) That's a good one.
That's better than the lemon joke.
I thought it was cool at the time.
But now do you regret it? No.
Have you got any tattoos that you do regret? Like you go on holiday and have a daft one of a Smurf having a wank on your arse or something.
(LAUGHTER) Ashley, have you got any tattoos? Yes, a couple of little ones.
Have you got Ant and Dec on your arse cheeks? I do, yep.
# Ashley Roberts, from the U S of A, # I would like to finger-blast you every day! (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Saturday Night Takeaway, Pussy juice Pussycat Dolls.
There it is.
I was waiting for it.
You did the Jump as well, didn't you? Yes.
Did you do plenty of skiing? I did, yes.
Is it skiing with Ant and Dec? (LAUGHTER) No! You are currently on Saturday Night Takeaway.
I is.
How's it going? Well? Yes, it's going well.
You do Ant versus Dec on the show.
What's the craziest thing they've ever done on the Ant versus Dec? The first one that I ever did, when they had to shimmy out on a big rodhigh above ground.
(LAUGHTER) They shimmied out on a big rod? Yeah, really high on top of ITV towers.
(APPLAUSE) Johnny Vegas! You look amazing! You look £1,000! You look fantastic! Look at him, Johnny Vegas, everyone! (APPLAUSE) You look a fucking disgrace! How was the bike? Fucking terrifying! I think the rider, he's like a cat with no whiskers.
He thought he could get through gaps, but didn't realise I was on the back.
(APPLAUSE) Why did? You look like you're trying to hang out with the skateboarders down on the South Bank! (LAUGHTER) Move out of your parents' house and get a fucking job! (LAUGHTER) Now, you're probably sat at home wondering why myself and Johnny are suited and booted.
Well, there's a special reason.
Can we have a drum-roll for this, please? (DRUM-ROLL) Johnny, the reason I asked you to wear a suit tonight, and why I'm suited up, is to celebrate your sixth or seventh time here on Celebrity Juice! (APPLAUSE) (FANFARE) # Viva Las Vegas Viva Las Vegas! Trophy, as well! Six or seven times he has been on Celebrity Juice.
See what you get when you make an effort! But why did you not (LAUGHTER) Look at us, drinking from trophies.
Whereas you look like a knacker from the Park.
Let's have a look at your best bits.
It's the lovely Johnny Vegas.
When I stalk, I fucking stalk! The worst thing is, I'm going to be in your head the next time you wank.
(APPLAUSE) Do I really look like that all the time? Yes.
Constantly bemused.
Like someone's shut down my care home.
(LAUGHTER) Johnny, is it true you're having a baby? Yes.
He's having a baby! (APPLAUSE) # Viva Las Vegas Viva Viva Las Vegas! Yes! He's having a baby! (APPLAUSE) Wow! You don't think people are going to look at my stomach and think I mean it? (LAUGHTER) Johnny, you're a man of the world, really, aren't you? You've seen some things.
Yes.
But have you seen June Sarpong recently? No, I haven't.
We did an appeal for her last week.
#WhereHasJuneSarpongGone? And I think we do have an update on that story, and the whereabouts of June Sarpong.
Over to Holly Willoughby.
Thanks, Keith.
Last week, we launched the 'where has June Sarpong gone' c and the response was overwhelming.
It was a tough time for us all, but judging from your messages of support, it is clear that June still holds a very special place in the heart of the nation.
Our prayers were finally answered on Monday when June appeared on Loose Women! (CHEERING) # Viva Las Vegas Viva Las Vegas Yes! We love you, June! There you go, Johnny, there is another T-shirt.
(LAUGHTER) Now, that's the one I'll wear when I go down to the bank.
Why do you think I'm here? I want a mortgage! June, can you Tweet us at Celebrity Juice? And come on the show.
Let's embrace.
Yeah, she should come on.
She should come on.
We should embrace.
Definitely.
Johnny Vegas, have you ever been on holiday and got trapped in a Bermuda Triangle vortex type situation and all of your celebrity friends that you were on holiday with, they got Benjamin Buttoned and shrunk into kids? (LAUGHTER) Well, that's what happened to me.
Run the VT.
Stands for what? Vid Videotape.
Correct! I am Keith Lemon.
Check this.
I went on a cruise recently with some of my favourite celebrity mates.
There's me with Kanye West, Katy Perry, and Harry Styles.
When suddenly we went through a Bermuda Triangle vortex type situation.
And everybody got turned into kids.
I was all right, though, because I was in a lead-lined toilet at the time having a shit.
When I came out, I found myself stranded with a load of mini celebrities! Welcome to: Word to your mum.
Welcome to Kanye Do It? With me Keith Lemon, and little Kanye West.
How's it going? Good.
Recognise.
How's Kim? Has she still got all of the junk? Yes.
All that junk.
So, what's going to happen is myself and Kanye will be challenging a collection of celebrities to do things.
That is why it is called Kanye Do It? Know what I'm saying? Yes.
First challenge, please.
What you've got to do is drink this first.
In this competition, you are going up against Fearne Cotton.
Fearne Cotton! Fearne Cotton in the his-oose.
(LAUGHTER) Hello, Fearne Cotton.
Hello.
How are you? I'm good.
How's Jesse? He's good.
How's Rex? Good.
Are you pregnant now? (LAUGHTER) I don't think so.
So why are you leaving Radio One? Oh, I've had enough of it.
Fair enough.
What does it feel like being a little boy again? Girl.
Boy We'll move on.
So, whoever drinks it first, we've got a 500 mil bottle, and a 375, in ratio to our size.
It makes sense, doesn't it? Well, let's find out what the studio panel think.
In the studio.
Back to the studio.
(APPLAUSE) So, it's me versus Fearne Cotton.
Weren't you pretty when you were a little boy? Um As you can see, yes.
Did you fall off your bike, and that's why you look like you do now? (LAUGHTER) I reckon that I'm going to completely thrash you on this one.
You Kan-ye? Kan-ye.
Yeah.
Holly's team? He may be a good guzzler.
I think it's you.
So, you are saying me, you're saying Fearne.
Let's have a look.
How are you feeling about this, Keith? I am feeling pretty good, but I'm sure you're going to mock me and say Beyonce could drink it faster than I could.
Would you like that? Yeah, I would like that, yes.
Because you're always going on about Beyonce.
Right, how are you feeling? Feeling confident.
Ready? Yes.
Ready? Yes.
Three, two, one Go Keith has got off to a good start.
Fearne not that far behind.
Keith is taking that down fast.
Come on, Fearne.
You can hear that going down.
(LAUGHTER) (BURPS) (LAUGHTER) Hilarious! And Keith is the winner.
Stop.
(APPLAUSE) Fearne is rubbish.
As always.
# Kanye West: Gold Digger.
How was that, Keith? Well, my teeth feel very furry right now, because drinking cola really fast isn't good for you.
(BURPS) And it rots your teeth.
And I feel a bit gassy.
And windy, if I'm honest.
(FARTS) I'm glad that I beat Fearne.
How are you feeling? No, go on.
Sorry.
How are you feeling about losing to Keith? Disappointed.
/fo I will get you back next time.
All right, OK (BURP) (APPLAUSE) That is a point to Holly's team.
And the scores after that round are (APPLAUSE) It's time for an ad break.
I'm off for a wee.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after the break He is one of the biggest singers in the world, but he's very ugly! He just got banned from the BBC! Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Dappy, I've got a lot of respect for you.
Thank you, sir, it means a lot.
You are the only guy I know who has a cock bigger than me.
I swear down.
Check this picture.
Look at that.
That is like Verne Troyer's leg! Look at Ashley.
Look at Ashley! Jesus, she nearly took her top off! How do you go down escalators? Johnny, you know when you go for a curry and they run out of naan bread, what do you go for instead? I go for chapati.
Well you're going to like this game so let's play (APPLAUSE) Dappy, we've got a cardboard cut out of you here so you don't have to get your chappy out.
So let's say hello.
This is life-size chappy.
(APPLAUSE) Do the pose by its side.
Do the pose.
There it is.
I can't believe you're making me do this.
(LAUGHTER) So what we are going to do is ask our panellists to guess if your chappy is bigger than certain objects.
I will ask Fearne's team first.
Do you think Dappy's chappy is bigger than a chapati? I would say Dappy's chappy is bigger.
Yeah? Have you ever indulged in something that big? I don't know what to say.
It's a very weird colour of jaundice.
It's made out of the same material I imagine the Muppets are made out of.
Are you saying his chappy is bigger than a chapati? Yeah.
OK.
I can't believe I'm on a TV show and that When is your single out? 12th of April.
12th of April.
It's worth it, isn't it? Oh.
Oh! Chapati's bigger! (BUZZER) Small cock! Small cock! Is Dappy's chappy bigger than a cat flap? If it is bigger, that means a cat could get inside you.
I reckon it's exactly the same size.
(CACKLES) It's the same size.
Shit, you've been looking at N-Dubz videos, haven't you, you? Same size.
The next object is an unerect umbrella.
Can I just see? Cos I reckon I know the answer to this.
Come and have a look at Dappy's cock.
Stop! Ermoh.
Touch it, touch it.
I'm all right.
It's lovely fabric.
I think it's about the same.
I think the umbrella is bigger.
Just imagine it's raining.
Putting up my umbrella.
(APPLAUSE) Oh, bloody hell, it's raining again.
I think it's smaller than an umbrella.
# Rain drops are falling on my head # (LAUGHTER) Moment of truth.
How fucking awkward.
Oh, come on! Oh! Tiny cock! Tiny cock! Big up to Dappy and his huge chappy! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! Holly? Yes? Do you like guessing games? I do, yes.
Do you like Hoovers? I do.
You're gonna love this next game.
Let's play Hello.
As you can see, I'm in Holly Willoughby's front living room.
This is like one of those Saturday night programmes where they trick a celebrity and take their living room and put it in a studio.
(LAUGHS) And she didn't even know! It is very nice here.
It is your living room.
I have done this before.
Let's have a look around.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have a look in here.
Hey.
That's quite realistic.
Remember, we all like a drink, but no one likes a drunk.
Fair enough, fair enough.
That's disgusting, too.
A fox covered in some sort of residue, I expect.
So here we are to play Guess Whoover.
Just waiting for the first person to knock on the door.
Let's see who it is.
Who could it be? Who could it be? (DOORBELL) There it is! Shall I get it? It's Johnny Vegas! (APPLAUSE) Johnny, in Guess Whoover, what you are going to do is describe a celebrity to your team members whilst hoovers are stuck to your face.
Shall we meet the hoovers in question? I'll have some more of those hoovers.
So (APPLAUSE) Vera Suckworth.
Danny Dyson.
Cleaner Turner.
I don't know who the rest are.
Are you going to leave them there? Yes.
For lawyers, don't try this at home.
But do, it's going to be fun.
No, don't.
I'm just being told no, don't.
But do.
Don't, they said don't try this at home.
When you hear the klaxon, start describing.
(KLAXON) Go.
He sang a pop song.
He was in a kids' show.
He is in love with his best mate but he won't admit it.
There is two of them.
Michelle Keegan.
One of them's got like Ant and Dec! Yeah! Always slagging people off.
Katie Hopkins.
(SHOUTING) Simon Cowell.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Well done, Johnny Vegas.
Look, we can all pretend to be Dappy as well.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Gino de Campo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, we've got Gino de Campo in the hot seat.
Remember, I've got This Morning to cook tomorrow, OK.
(MIMICS ACCENT) I've got This Morning, the show, to cook tomorrow.
We all know you drive a train, shut up.
Are you ready? Go on, I'm ready.
(KLAXON) Come on, Gino.
OK, she believes that she is She's like a virgin.
Madonna! Yes! Correct.
(SHOUTING) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) He's crying.
Because one of you put a hoover in my throat.
(LAUGHTER) Dappy, you want a go? Yeah, why not? Dappy's up for a go! (APPLAUSE) It's Dappy in the his-oose! (APPLAUSE) Dappy, as many celebrities as you can.
Within the allotted time.
As many as you can on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) He's one of the biggest singers in the world.
Ed Sheeran! Ed Sheeran, correct.
She used to be in a three-piece band.
Beyonce.
Yes! He just got banned from the BBC.
(KLAXON) That's it, that's it! (APPLAUSE) Well done.
Dappy, everyone! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of the round arehoover-ing! We will go to an ad break now.
I know I say see you in three, but I really need a wee.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break: (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Ashley, is it true that you used to play volleyball with Pink and Carmen Electra? Yeah, Pink used to come play with us at the park.
I've got a picture.
We have got a picture.
Oh, God, of what? There you are.
(LAUGHTER) It looks very sexy.
What are you doing? You play volleyball.
Jesus! That's not a ball for volleyball.
OK, let's play OK, this is How Many Words Can You Say In A Row? I am going to ask you to say as many words as you can within an allotted time.
They are random words, you mustn't stutter, you mustn't hesitate, you mustn't repeat.
For example, body warmer, chair, animal, monkey, money, fast, sex.
What if you said animal, monkey? Would that not count because it's the same thing? Exactly.
I just fucked up.
You said monkey and money.
And I've been fucking that monkey for years.
(LAUGHTER) Using the power of lights, we will randomly select someone to start the game.
It's Dappy in the his-oose.
You should be good at this, rapping.
I knew you would say that.
Go on.
Are you #ready? Yeah.
(KLAXON) Go.
Celebrity, tadpole, tampon, anthrax, intergalactic, nature, microwave, cornflakes (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) OK, random light selector, select someone randomly.
It's Johnny Vegas.
Anyone that's good at random, it's Johnny Vegas.
(APPLAUSE) Are you ready? (KLAXON) Go.
Jet pack, vagina, eyebrows, angry man, Buster, libido, lemons (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Random light selector, select someone randomly.
50 quid if you use Nutella.
(LAUGHTER) You ready? (KLAXON) Go.
Camera (KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) Don't do it in Italian, we can't understand what you are saying.
No Italian, only English.
Start again.
(KLAXON) Yes.
Star (KLAXON) You can't do it in Italian, we can't understand what you are saying.
Ready? English words, please.
English.
(KLAXON) Go.
Curtain, Star, yellow, Nutella, clitostorous, red, nipple, audience, stairs, yellow.
I said yellow already.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) It's a point for Fearne's team! (APPLAUSE) There is all to play for in this final round, it is the Buzzer Round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
Holly, what is your buzzer this week? I had a threesome with Ant and Dec, it was awesome.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? #massivecock, you get me? (LAUGHTER) OK, let's go.
Why is Katie Hopkins looking so shocked? (BUZZER) Fearne's team? Did she spot a working class person? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! (BUZZER) Holly's team? Is she looking in the mirror? Oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh! (APPLAUSE) Apparently she is looking at a tally-wacker on a gay porn awards.
I like Battenberg, who likes Battenberg, I like Battenberg.
Win a point for your team if you bring it back to me.
(CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What has Lee Ryan agreed to do at Anthony Costa's wedding? Fearne's team? Not to fuck his wife.
(LAUGHTER) I'm guessing.
(BUZZER) Holly's team? Miniaturise himself and stand on a cake.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Hasn't he learnt how to do the "I do take this person to be" That's correct, he's going to marry them.
What does Tom Cruise allegedly do to look younger? Stand in a playground.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) And pretend that his mum hasn't collected him.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER Fearne's team? He puts some kind of Does he put some kind of poo on his face? That's correct, he puts bird poo.
He has bird poo facials.
(KLAXON) That is the end of the round, that is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Johnny, what would this mean to you if your team won this? The sixth time on here and you win.
I've done it seven times, actually, you big cock-head.
(LAUGHTER) I love coming back.
OK, I've taken out a mortgage I can't really cover.
I don't have the cooking skills of him so I can't just open a restaurant in Dumfries.
"We will put some more butter in and that's why it tastes Things always taste good with butter! Try cooking with olive oil, motherfucker! (LAUGHTER) It would be nice.
(LAUGHTER) I can tell you, Johnny Vegas, I can tell you the winning team is It's your team, it's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! Viva Las Vegas! Wave, you bastard!
And these are my titles.
Plush or what? There is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers! There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful, that nearly went inside me.
And there is Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all in heaven, but don't worry, we are not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice.
On telly.
HD ready.
(CHEERING) Hello.
Hi there.
Hoorah! Hi.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it is Holly Willough-boozy.
Holly, tell us, who is on your team? On my left, I have the very beautiful Ashley Roberts.
And it's happened again.
On my right, um I appear to have nobody.
Is this a weekly occurrence, you are just not going to have anybody? I think it is.
Although this week, I was definitely suppos I was supposed to have Johnny Vegas.
But he is not here.
He is actually running late.
But we do have footage of him on the way.
Here is the footage.
(LAUGHTER) That is genuine footage of Johnny Vegas on the way here.
Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton.
(APPLAUSE) How's it going, lady with baby? Yeah, all good, thank you.
What's going on with everything today? Well, I thought I'd make an effort.
I thought you might say something nice.
I'm not wearing anything stupid.
I haven't given you any grief yet, have you? No, but I'm waiting for it, and it will come.
You look like a fucking stupid hippie.
What the fuck are you wearing? There it is! Who is on your team? You lesbian.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, shut up, you.
You creepy Liberace slime bag.
On my left, he is the capitan, it's Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Thank you.
And on my right # If you're Dappy and you know it, clap your hands It's Dappy! (APPLAUSE) Gino, what are you doing there? What do you mean, what am I doing here? Last week, you were on Holly's team.
I have changed team.
I didn't like that.
Nobody has given a message to the baby yet.
Like a welcome to Celebrity Juice.
And I wanted to be the one to do that.
That's very kind of Can I? How does this work? What are you doing? Fearne, you haven't got any Nutella down there, have you? (LAUGHTER) Because he's easily tricked! Welcome to the show.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Just talking into my vagina.
The baby's saying, "What the fuck's he said? All I heard was fucking debedeedebedee" (LAUGHTER) I don't talk like that.
(AS GINO) Debedeedebedee (LAUGHTER) Everybody (AS GINO) Everybody debedee Hey, brap, brap, it's Dappy in the his-oose.
(APPLAUSE) Dappy, what shit is going down on the streets, you got me?! Keith, quick question, why do you always have to act like such a lemon? Ooh, that were poor.
Last time you were on the show, you were in N-Dubz.
Fazer was still called Fazer.
And Tulisa still had her own teeth, didn't she? (LAUGHTER) You've got a new song out.
Dappy.
Beautiful Me.
First of all, let's talk about the cover.
I think you should have tried harder.
(LAUGHTER) What's the message? Basically, it's just what I've been through in the last two years.
My ups and my downs.
Explaining that everyone is human, we all go through ups and downs.
When you sort of do this, you can see yourself in it, can't you? You've got a new tattoo.
A hashtag.
Let's have a look.
There.
That must have hurt! Tell us about the hashtag.
I just wanted to keep my face trending for ever, really font color="#00ff00" (LAUGHTER) That's a good one.
That's better than the lemon joke.
I thought it was cool at the time.
But now do you regret it? No.
Have you got any tattoos that you do regret? Like you go on holiday and have a daft one of a Smurf having a wank on your arse or something.
(LAUGHTER) Ashley, have you got any tattoos? Yes, a couple of little ones.
Have you got Ant and Dec on your arse cheeks? I do, yep.
# Ashley Roberts, from the U S of A, # I would like to finger-blast you every day! (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Saturday Night Takeaway, Pussy juice Pussycat Dolls.
There it is.
I was waiting for it.
You did the Jump as well, didn't you? Yes.
Did you do plenty of skiing? I did, yes.
Is it skiing with Ant and Dec? (LAUGHTER) No! You are currently on Saturday Night Takeaway.
I is.
How's it going? Well? Yes, it's going well.
You do Ant versus Dec on the show.
What's the craziest thing they've ever done on the Ant versus Dec? The first one that I ever did, when they had to shimmy out on a big rodhigh above ground.
(LAUGHTER) They shimmied out on a big rod? Yeah, really high on top of ITV towers.
(APPLAUSE) Johnny Vegas! You look amazing! You look £1,000! You look fantastic! Look at him, Johnny Vegas, everyone! (APPLAUSE) You look a fucking disgrace! How was the bike? Fucking terrifying! I think the rider, he's like a cat with no whiskers.
He thought he could get through gaps, but didn't realise I was on the back.
(APPLAUSE) Why did? You look like you're trying to hang out with the skateboarders down on the South Bank! (LAUGHTER) Move out of your parents' house and get a fucking job! (LAUGHTER) Now, you're probably sat at home wondering why myself and Johnny are suited and booted.
Well, there's a special reason.
Can we have a drum-roll for this, please? (DRUM-ROLL) Johnny, the reason I asked you to wear a suit tonight, and why I'm suited up, is to celebrate your sixth or seventh time here on Celebrity Juice! (APPLAUSE) (FANFARE) # Viva Las Vegas Viva Las Vegas! Trophy, as well! Six or seven times he has been on Celebrity Juice.
See what you get when you make an effort! But why did you not (LAUGHTER) Look at us, drinking from trophies.
Whereas you look like a knacker from the Park.
Let's have a look at your best bits.
It's the lovely Johnny Vegas.
When I stalk, I fucking stalk! The worst thing is, I'm going to be in your head the next time you wank.
(APPLAUSE) Do I really look like that all the time? Yes.
Constantly bemused.
Like someone's shut down my care home.
(LAUGHTER) Johnny, is it true you're having a baby? Yes.
He's having a baby! (APPLAUSE) # Viva Las Vegas Viva Viva Las Vegas! Yes! He's having a baby! (APPLAUSE) Wow! You don't think people are going to look at my stomach and think I mean it? (LAUGHTER) Johnny, you're a man of the world, really, aren't you? You've seen some things.
Yes.
But have you seen June Sarpong recently? No, I haven't.
We did an appeal for her last week.
#WhereHasJuneSarpongGone? And I think we do have an update on that story, and the whereabouts of June Sarpong.
Over to Holly Willoughby.
Thanks, Keith.
Last week, we launched the 'where has June Sarpong gone' c and the response was overwhelming.
It was a tough time for us all, but judging from your messages of support, it is clear that June still holds a very special place in the heart of the nation.
Our prayers were finally answered on Monday when June appeared on Loose Women! (CHEERING) # Viva Las Vegas Viva Las Vegas Yes! We love you, June! There you go, Johnny, there is another T-shirt.
(LAUGHTER) Now, that's the one I'll wear when I go down to the bank.
Why do you think I'm here? I want a mortgage! June, can you Tweet us at Celebrity Juice? And come on the show.
Let's embrace.
Yeah, she should come on.
She should come on.
We should embrace.
Definitely.
Johnny Vegas, have you ever been on holiday and got trapped in a Bermuda Triangle vortex type situation and all of your celebrity friends that you were on holiday with, they got Benjamin Buttoned and shrunk into kids? (LAUGHTER) Well, that's what happened to me.
Run the VT.
Stands for what? Vid Videotape.
Correct! I am Keith Lemon.
Check this.
I went on a cruise recently with some of my favourite celebrity mates.
There's me with Kanye West, Katy Perry, and Harry Styles.
When suddenly we went through a Bermuda Triangle vortex type situation.
And everybody got turned into kids.
I was all right, though, because I was in a lead-lined toilet at the time having a shit.
When I came out, I found myself stranded with a load of mini celebrities! Welcome to: Word to your mum.
Welcome to Kanye Do It? With me Keith Lemon, and little Kanye West.
How's it going? Good.
Recognise.
How's Kim? Has she still got all of the junk? Yes.
All that junk.
So, what's going to happen is myself and Kanye will be challenging a collection of celebrities to do things.
That is why it is called Kanye Do It? Know what I'm saying? Yes.
First challenge, please.
What you've got to do is drink this first.
In this competition, you are going up against Fearne Cotton.
Fearne Cotton! Fearne Cotton in the his-oose.
(LAUGHTER) Hello, Fearne Cotton.
Hello.
How are you? I'm good.
How's Jesse? He's good.
How's Rex? Good.
Are you pregnant now? (LAUGHTER) I don't think so.
So why are you leaving Radio One? Oh, I've had enough of it.
Fair enough.
What does it feel like being a little boy again? Girl.
Boy We'll move on.
So, whoever drinks it first, we've got a 500 mil bottle, and a 375, in ratio to our size.
It makes sense, doesn't it? Well, let's find out what the studio panel think.
In the studio.
Back to the studio.
(APPLAUSE) So, it's me versus Fearne Cotton.
Weren't you pretty when you were a little boy? Um As you can see, yes.
Did you fall off your bike, and that's why you look like you do now? (LAUGHTER) I reckon that I'm going to completely thrash you on this one.
You Kan-ye? Kan-ye.
Yeah.
Holly's team? He may be a good guzzler.
I think it's you.
So, you are saying me, you're saying Fearne.
Let's have a look.
How are you feeling about this, Keith? I am feeling pretty good, but I'm sure you're going to mock me and say Beyonce could drink it faster than I could.
Would you like that? Yeah, I would like that, yes.
Because you're always going on about Beyonce.
Right, how are you feeling? Feeling confident.
Ready? Yes.
Ready? Yes.
Three, two, one Go Keith has got off to a good start.
Fearne not that far behind.
Keith is taking that down fast.
Come on, Fearne.
You can hear that going down.
(LAUGHTER) (BURPS) (LAUGHTER) Hilarious! And Keith is the winner.
Stop.
(APPLAUSE) Fearne is rubbish.
As always.
# Kanye West: Gold Digger.
How was that, Keith? Well, my teeth feel very furry right now, because drinking cola really fast isn't good for you.
(BURPS) And it rots your teeth.
And I feel a bit gassy.
And windy, if I'm honest.
(FARTS) I'm glad that I beat Fearne.
How are you feeling? No, go on.
Sorry.
How are you feeling about losing to Keith? Disappointed.
/fo I will get you back next time.
All right, OK (BURP) (APPLAUSE) That is a point to Holly's team.
And the scores after that round are (APPLAUSE) It's time for an ad break.
I'm off for a wee.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after the break He is one of the biggest singers in the world, but he's very ugly! He just got banned from the BBC! Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Dappy, I've got a lot of respect for you.
Thank you, sir, it means a lot.
You are the only guy I know who has a cock bigger than me.
I swear down.
Check this picture.
Look at that.
That is like Verne Troyer's leg! Look at Ashley.
Look at Ashley! Jesus, she nearly took her top off! How do you go down escalators? Johnny, you know when you go for a curry and they run out of naan bread, what do you go for instead? I go for chapati.
Well you're going to like this game so let's play (APPLAUSE) Dappy, we've got a cardboard cut out of you here so you don't have to get your chappy out.
So let's say hello.
This is life-size chappy.
(APPLAUSE) Do the pose by its side.
Do the pose.
There it is.
I can't believe you're making me do this.
(LAUGHTER) So what we are going to do is ask our panellists to guess if your chappy is bigger than certain objects.
I will ask Fearne's team first.
Do you think Dappy's chappy is bigger than a chapati? I would say Dappy's chappy is bigger.
Yeah? Have you ever indulged in something that big? I don't know what to say.
It's a very weird colour of jaundice.
It's made out of the same material I imagine the Muppets are made out of.
Are you saying his chappy is bigger than a chapati? Yeah.
OK.
I can't believe I'm on a TV show and that When is your single out? 12th of April.
12th of April.
It's worth it, isn't it? Oh.
Oh! Chapati's bigger! (BUZZER) Small cock! Small cock! Is Dappy's chappy bigger than a cat flap? If it is bigger, that means a cat could get inside you.
I reckon it's exactly the same size.
(CACKLES) It's the same size.
Shit, you've been looking at N-Dubz videos, haven't you, you? Same size.
The next object is an unerect umbrella.
Can I just see? Cos I reckon I know the answer to this.
Come and have a look at Dappy's cock.
Stop! Ermoh.
Touch it, touch it.
I'm all right.
It's lovely fabric.
I think it's about the same.
I think the umbrella is bigger.
Just imagine it's raining.
Putting up my umbrella.
(APPLAUSE) Oh, bloody hell, it's raining again.
I think it's smaller than an umbrella.
# Rain drops are falling on my head # (LAUGHTER) Moment of truth.
How fucking awkward.
Oh, come on! Oh! Tiny cock! Tiny cock! Big up to Dappy and his huge chappy! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! Holly? Yes? Do you like guessing games? I do, yes.
Do you like Hoovers? I do.
You're gonna love this next game.
Let's play Hello.
As you can see, I'm in Holly Willoughby's front living room.
This is like one of those Saturday night programmes where they trick a celebrity and take their living room and put it in a studio.
(LAUGHS) And she didn't even know! It is very nice here.
It is your living room.
I have done this before.
Let's have a look around.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have a look in here.
Hey.
That's quite realistic.
Remember, we all like a drink, but no one likes a drunk.
Fair enough, fair enough.
That's disgusting, too.
A fox covered in some sort of residue, I expect.
So here we are to play Guess Whoover.
Just waiting for the first person to knock on the door.
Let's see who it is.
Who could it be? Who could it be? (DOORBELL) There it is! Shall I get it? It's Johnny Vegas! (APPLAUSE) Johnny, in Guess Whoover, what you are going to do is describe a celebrity to your team members whilst hoovers are stuck to your face.
Shall we meet the hoovers in question? I'll have some more of those hoovers.
So (APPLAUSE) Vera Suckworth.
Danny Dyson.
Cleaner Turner.
I don't know who the rest are.
Are you going to leave them there? Yes.
For lawyers, don't try this at home.
But do, it's going to be fun.
No, don't.
I'm just being told no, don't.
But do.
Don't, they said don't try this at home.
When you hear the klaxon, start describing.
(KLAXON) Go.
He sang a pop song.
He was in a kids' show.
He is in love with his best mate but he won't admit it.
There is two of them.
Michelle Keegan.
One of them's got like Ant and Dec! Yeah! Always slagging people off.
Katie Hopkins.
(SHOUTING) Simon Cowell.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Well done, Johnny Vegas.
Look, we can all pretend to be Dappy as well.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it's Gino de Campo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, we've got Gino de Campo in the hot seat.
Remember, I've got This Morning to cook tomorrow, OK.
(MIMICS ACCENT) I've got This Morning, the show, to cook tomorrow.
We all know you drive a train, shut up.
Are you ready? Go on, I'm ready.
(KLAXON) Come on, Gino.
OK, she believes that she is She's like a virgin.
Madonna! Yes! Correct.
(SHOUTING) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) He's crying.
Because one of you put a hoover in my throat.
(LAUGHTER) Dappy, you want a go? Yeah, why not? Dappy's up for a go! (APPLAUSE) It's Dappy in the his-oose! (APPLAUSE) Dappy, as many celebrities as you can.
Within the allotted time.
As many as you can on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) He's one of the biggest singers in the world.
Ed Sheeran! Ed Sheeran, correct.
She used to be in a three-piece band.
Beyonce.
Yes! He just got banned from the BBC.
(KLAXON) That's it, that's it! (APPLAUSE) Well done.
Dappy, everyone! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of the round arehoover-ing! We will go to an ad break now.
I know I say see you in three, but I really need a wee.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break: (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Ashley, is it true that you used to play volleyball with Pink and Carmen Electra? Yeah, Pink used to come play with us at the park.
I've got a picture.
We have got a picture.
Oh, God, of what? There you are.
(LAUGHTER) It looks very sexy.
What are you doing? You play volleyball.
Jesus! That's not a ball for volleyball.
OK, let's play OK, this is How Many Words Can You Say In A Row? I am going to ask you to say as many words as you can within an allotted time.
They are random words, you mustn't stutter, you mustn't hesitate, you mustn't repeat.
For example, body warmer, chair, animal, monkey, money, fast, sex.
What if you said animal, monkey? Would that not count because it's the same thing? Exactly.
I just fucked up.
You said monkey and money.
And I've been fucking that monkey for years.
(LAUGHTER) Using the power of lights, we will randomly select someone to start the game.
It's Dappy in the his-oose.
You should be good at this, rapping.
I knew you would say that.
Go on.
Are you #ready? Yeah.
(KLAXON) Go.
Celebrity, tadpole, tampon, anthrax, intergalactic, nature, microwave, cornflakes (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) OK, random light selector, select someone randomly.
It's Johnny Vegas.
Anyone that's good at random, it's Johnny Vegas.
(APPLAUSE) Are you ready? (KLAXON) Go.
Jet pack, vagina, eyebrows, angry man, Buster, libido, lemons (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Random light selector, select someone randomly.
50 quid if you use Nutella.
(LAUGHTER) You ready? (KLAXON) Go.
Camera (KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) Don't do it in Italian, we can't understand what you are saying.
No Italian, only English.
Start again.
(KLAXON) Yes.
Star (KLAXON) You can't do it in Italian, we can't understand what you are saying.
Ready? English words, please.
English.
(KLAXON) Go.
Curtain, Star, yellow, Nutella, clitostorous, red, nipple, audience, stairs, yellow.
I said yellow already.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) It's a point for Fearne's team! (APPLAUSE) There is all to play for in this final round, it is the Buzzer Round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
Holly, what is your buzzer this week? I had a threesome with Ant and Dec, it was awesome.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? #massivecock, you get me? (LAUGHTER) OK, let's go.
Why is Katie Hopkins looking so shocked? (BUZZER) Fearne's team? Did she spot a working class person? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! (BUZZER) Holly's team? Is she looking in the mirror? Oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh! (APPLAUSE) Apparently she is looking at a tally-wacker on a gay porn awards.
I like Battenberg, who likes Battenberg, I like Battenberg.
Win a point for your team if you bring it back to me.
(CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What has Lee Ryan agreed to do at Anthony Costa's wedding? Fearne's team? Not to fuck his wife.
(LAUGHTER) I'm guessing.
(BUZZER) Holly's team? Miniaturise himself and stand on a cake.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Hasn't he learnt how to do the "I do take this person to be" That's correct, he's going to marry them.
What does Tom Cruise allegedly do to look younger? Stand in a playground.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) And pretend that his mum hasn't collected him.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER Fearne's team? He puts some kind of Does he put some kind of poo on his face? That's correct, he puts bird poo.
He has bird poo facials.
(KLAXON) That is the end of the round, that is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Johnny, what would this mean to you if your team won this? The sixth time on here and you win.
I've done it seven times, actually, you big cock-head.
(LAUGHTER) I love coming back.
OK, I've taken out a mortgage I can't really cover.
I don't have the cooking skills of him so I can't just open a restaurant in Dumfries.
"We will put some more butter in and that's why it tastes Things always taste good with butter! Try cooking with olive oil, motherfucker! (LAUGHTER) It would be nice.
(LAUGHTER) I can tell you, Johnny Vegas, I can tell you the winning team is It's your team, it's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! Viva Las Vegas! Wave, you bastard!