It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e02 Episode Script

1 FRANK: You lock us in a room and then we try to escape.
That's it? Yes, that's correct.
People all over the world do this.
We're one of 15 escape room companies in Philly alone.
Yes, I'm fully aware of this practice.
It's a highly sexual experience for people.
You'll get no judgments from us.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry, this is not sexual.
It's not sexual.
Then I don't know what this is.
You've not explained it.
Uh, well, it's a mystery role-playing game.
You solve puzzles in order to escape from a room.
It's really about seeing how well you work as a team, and it's also a lot of fun.
- FRANK: Hmm.
- This sounds very nerdy.
- Is this a nerd thing? - It's definitely a nerd thing.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I don't do nerd things.
- DEE: No, no, no, no.
It's not-it's not nerdy.
It's not nerdy.
It's actually really fun.
That's why I set this whole thing up.
You know? It's fun.
I've done one before.
- You've done one? - With who? - My friends.
- What?! - What friends? - We're your friends.
All right, I did it alone.
- She did it alone! - Oh! Hey, it doesn't matter.
It's fun.
So wait, wait a minute, so what's the prize? If we get out of the room, what do we get? Well, if you escape before your time is up, we will put your team photo on our website.
- Just the picture? - That's it? - Just the picture.
- That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
- And it's not sexual? - I'm out.
I'm out.
- DEE: Come on.
Why does there have to be a prize? Why does it have to be sexual? Why can't men just do something for the challenge of it, 'cause it's fun? Men don't do things just to do them.
Okay? We're busy running the world, - providing for our families.
All right? - Exactly.
We need stakes.
If there's no stakes, what's the point? That's a good idea, though.
How about if whoever wins, you buy them a 20-ounce sirloin steak? - CHARLIE: Yeah.
- DENNIS: That makes sense.
- That could be fun.
- As a man, that makes sense.
- Well, okay, yes.
- FRANK: Different.
DENNIS: Absolutely.
Then it becomes a game.
You see, I get out of the room.
That means I win the game, the lady here, she takes me out for a steak, - and then it becomes sexual.
- WOMAN: Nope.
No.
That's not how it works.
So you have to win as a team You know what? Don't explain it anymore.
Challenge accepted.
- - Ooh, hoo, hoo, this is gonna be so good.
Whoa, they really went all-out.
This might actually be kind of fun.
- Aah! Whoa, ho, ho! - Oh, Dee! - Whoa, what - Guys, guys, guys, I found something.
What are you screaming at, Deandra? You didn't even find it.
- It was right there on the table.
- [click.]
WOMAN [English accent.]
: Greetings and salutations, - Detectives.
- Who's that broad? It's Amanda from before.
She's just doing a bad British accent.
[English accent.]
: A tuppence to you, Amanda.
- [groaning.]
- Oh, now she's gonna do it.
- Doth thou Give me this, 'cause you can't All right.
Yeah, Amanda, um, if you do that accent, - then Dee's gonna want to do it, and we hate that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
So w-why don't you just go? You go.
AMANDA [English accent.]
: You have arrived at 221B Baker Street, home of world-famous um, excuse me.
You're not supposed to start searching yet.
- I haven't started the timer.
- I didn't.
AMANDA [normal voice.]
: Oh, yes, you did.
I have cameras all over the room.
I can see and hear everything you do.
Oh, my bad.
Okay, I stopped.
AMANDA: No, you didn't.
Again, I can see you.
Yeah, um, Amanda, she's not gonna stop, so why don't you just, um, uh, speed things along? AMANDA [English accent.]
: Oh, u-uh, Holmes is in trouble, - and he needs your help - Yeah, faster, faster.
Oh, okay, well, if you need a hint Yeah, you know what? Um, we're not we don't like this at all.
Um, why don't you just go ahead and start the game? - AMANDA [normal voice.]
: Okay, fine, your time starts now.
- [beep.]
- Oh! We're locked in.
Here we go! - Oh, that's cool.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, she locked the door? - DENNIS: Yeah.
Did you not listen to the whole setup that the game nerd did? - That's what the game - No, that's-that's no good.
I can't have that.
I can't be locked in.
- W-What's the code for the door? - DEE: That's the whole point, Frank.
- We're supposed to work together - Shut up, Deandra.
- I can't be locked in here.
- CHARLIE: O-Okay, calm down.
You know, I was worried that this might happen.
Frank hasn't been locked up since the nitwit school, so he gets a little tight about it.
I brought some of that gum you like, buddy.
You want to chew on that? Want to chew on that? It's gonna settle you down.
- That's gonna calm his nerves.
- DENNIS: All right, hey, guys.
Uh, let's huddle up.
Guys, listen, listen.
Frank, it's gonna be cool, man, we can do we can totally do this.
Okay.
Here's what I'm thinking: I think-I think we should actually split up into teams, and then when we find something, - we come we come back together, - [smacking.]
and we put we use the collective brain power I'm sorry.
Frank, that gum-chewing is insane.
- What? - The chewing of the gum.
It's happening, u-uh, right in my ear.
It's ludicrous.
That-that is the most irritating sound on Earth.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guys, guys.
I'm thinking that since I've done this before, - I should probably quarterback this whole thing.
- Well, I spoke too soon.
That's the most irritating sound on Earth.
- Yeah, yeah.
- DEE: And just, I can-I can walk you guys through how to get clues, what you're looking for, specifically.
- Why don't you just go find the clues? - Thanks, Dee.
- Help us out.
Thanks, Dee.
- Go, go, go.
- Yeah.
Thanks a lot, Dee.
- Great, thanks.
- Keep going.
- [gasps.]
- Is she gonna be doing that the whole time, man? - Like, just chiming in like, advice, and - DENNIS: You know she is.
Did-did you hear what she said about being the quarterback? Does she think she's the leader? Everybody knows quarterbacks are men.
And honestly, like, I don't want to say it out loud, - but a female leader? It's just - No.
Doesn't sit well, right? Doesn't sit well with me.
- Gives me chills.
- It feels, like, un-American, maybe? - Yeah.
Bro.
- FRANK: It's un-American.
- Very un-American.
- Is it? Is it? Thing is, is like, we had a vote in America.
- Yeah.
- We almost had one, and then America was like, "Mm" - No women.
- We couldn't have been more clear about it.
- Very clear.
- [quietly.]
: I I got a plan.
No, no, no, come on, you guys.
No, we're supposed to do this together.
We're supposed to do it Goddamn it! FRANK: Ah so-so much more relaxed without her in here.
MAC: That's the move.
Both of 'em.
I mean, the last thing we need is two women, - "helping us"? - Oh, I know.
Why do you have a lock on the outside of your door? Uh, well, that's Don't ask.
You Look, the point is, th-there's a lock on the door, and there's no way Dee's getting out of there.
- [laughs.]
- All right, so now that we don't have those ladies squawking in our ears, let's get back to doing what men do best, and we strategize, okay? So we need to come up with a game plan.
- Yeah? All right.
- CHARLIE: Mm.
- Yes.
I know exactly what we should do.
- I actually have a good idea.
- Wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Wait, don't interrupt me.
- Here's what we do - No, no.
We go No, no! - Mac, shut up.
- Let me say my idea first.
- No, it's really good, it's gonna get us out of the room.
- I have a great idea.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, slow down.
Okay.
Clearly, we're gonna have to designate a leader here.
- Oh.
- Oh! Right.
- Right? - Of course.
- That's what men do.
What are we That's what men Right! We-we figure out who's, uh, in charge.
- Right, exactly.
- That's how things work.
I nominate Dennis.
- Oh.
- Yes, because he's the smartest.
- Right, Dennis? - Uh, I-I am very smart, and it's not a bad idea to have me be the leader.
Plus, also now that you've said it, I feel like it can't be unsaid.
I wouldn't have said it, but it is true.
Uh technically, Frank is the oldest, which makes him the smartest.
Yeah, but Dennis is, like, the smartest person I've ever met, and I've met, like, a hundred people.
Ooh, you know, that is a lot of people.
Well, I've met, like 105.
- Now, why would you - You have not.
Where? - Whatever.
Supermarket, mall.
- Charlie knows a lot of people.
- I know people.
- I'll table it, I'll table it.
Why don't we break up into the two teams? I'll pick my leader, you pick yours, and we can find our own clues.
Uh, you know what? That's actually a really great idea, because that creates a more competitive atmosphere, - Okay.
- which is more conducive to the problem-solving abilities of a man.
Huh? - Huh? - Yeah.
Yeah, I think he's right.
- All right, fine.
You and me? Want to split off? - Okay.
- You and me.
Let's go.
- Lose these bozos.
- [scoffs.]
We need 'em? No.
- All right, we're out of here.
- Come on, follow me.
I got a couple ideas, man.
- He might-he might die.
- He might die.
Yeah.
- Good luck, suckers.
All right.
Hey, let's, uh, let's find some clues, buddy.
Don't worry, Dennis, I already found one, and I think it's significant.
- Whoa.
- It's a heart-shaped lock.
- Whoa, excellent find, buddy.
- Yeah.
[quietly.]
: Excellent.
Okay, the game is afoot.
- [chuckles.]
All right.
- Yes! Yes.
Let's-let's keep this between us.
[whispers.]
: Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Nice, nice.
- I won't tell them.
I-I'm terrified.
I don't feel like touching anything in Mac's room.
- Hey, don't touch the bike.
- I'm not going near that.
- Okay, all right.
- But we can't let them beat us.
- Frank, Frank, Frank.
Frank.
- Just look.
We don't Look no further.
- 'Cause when I was out there - Hmm? I already found one.
Great! You didn't-you didn't tell them.
No, I'm not gonna tell them.
Because the most important aspect of a man's success is to never trust another man.
- For sure, yeah.
- Okay, well, w-what is it? - All right, check it out.
- Hmm? A heart-shaped key.
- Oh! - [chuckles.]
DEE: Ugh! Goddamn! Sons of bitches.
Amanda, what's the protocol when a team locks one of their team members in another room? AMANDA [on walkie-talkie.]
: I have no idea.
This has never happened before.
All right, well, what are they doing out there? Not much.
They've basically just been arguing about which one is in charge this whole time.
All right, well, have they found the heart-shaped - lock and key yet? - They have, but they refuse to admit it to one Wait, how did you know about that clue? Ooh, yeah, yeah.
I've done this exact same escape room before.
Yeah, that's why I picked it.
I wanted to show them that I'm smart and I can solve stuff.
- By cheating your way through a game you've already played? - Okay, don't judge me, nerd.
All right? I don't need that.
What I need is for you to get me out there - so I can solve puzzles and be a star.
- Okay, well, again, this is a team-building exercise.
Perhaps if you could tell them about the lock and the key, they'd let you out of the room.
Oh, yeah, right.
I'm sure And give them the satisfaction of unlocking it? No, thanks.
Now, come on, sister.
We got-we got to stick together and solve this problem the way women do.
Let's approach it like women.
Right? Through cooperation we can find a way to emasculate the men whose attention we're seeking.
I don't feel comfortable with this.
Let's see how comfortable you feel in five minutes, when they get frustrated and start smashing all your shit.
It's not in here.
Yeah.
Nope.
Here either.
You now what? Let's-let's just let's stop.
Let's just Okay.
We've smashed a lot of things here, and I'm not seeing a single key, which means the key's got to be in your room with Charlie and Frank.
Now Oh, damn it, Mac.
Stop-stop chewing so loudly.
I'm not chewing anything.
Well, I can't think.
Okay? I hear you chewing, and I can't think.
I don't have anything in my mouth.
Oh, Jesus.
That's Frank in the other room.
[scoffs.]
You know what that is, right? That's a power play.
Frank's trying to assert his dominance over me.
It's a classic alpha move.
- Oh, my God, it is? - Yeah.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Don't sit.
Don't sit.
- Oh, sorry.
- [sighs.]
You see, by constantly chewing so loudly, he's sending a very clear message that he is the head cow.
And, as we all know, the head cow's always grazing.
Aren't all cows female? Well, that was a metaphor.
Okay, you know [sighs.]
Mac, sometimes I'm just riffing.
Would you allow me to riff? As the leader, can I riff? Can I riff?! - Ye-Yes, yes, yes.
Yes.
- All right, so the point is go get me some of that gum.
That was the point you were making? You want gum? Well, yes, I need the gum.
It sends a very important, subconscious cue that sets the tone for pack animals.
I need to assert myself to this monkey so that he'll submit to my will, and we can win the game and get the hell out of this place.
I'm so sorry, Dennis.
I'm very confused Don't sit down! Yes.
Um Just a clarifying question: are-are we monkeys or cows? We're whatever the hell I say we are, okay? I'm just riffing.
Now will you go get my gum? Yes.
Anything? No.
Nothing.
Well, keep smashing, because whatever lock goes on the end of this key has got to be in here, somewhere.
I've smashed everything, I can't find it.
- Hey, guys.
How's it going? - Super great.
- Super awesome, dude.
- Yeah.
Really good.
Super great.
We're finding all sorts of cool stuff.
You know, probably gonna be out of this room in no time.
My leader's killing it over here.
- You touched the bike? - No, I didn't touch your bike.
Didn't touch a thing in here that was yours, man.
Didn't touch one of your gross things.
- What's up? - Nah.
You guys cool? - Yeah, we're cool.
What's up with you? - Huh? We're good.
- I'm so cool.
- What do you want? - What do you want? What do you want? - Yeah, what's up? - What do you want? - What's up? What's up? - Dennis wants some gum.
- Oh, all right.
Hang on a sec - No, no.
Don't do that.
- What? - That's a power play, Charlie.
- It is? - Yeah.
- How is it a power play? It's a power play.
Everybody knows that the head cow is always grazing.
- Oh, that's true.
- Wait, so that's, like, a real thing? - Yeah.
That's what it is.
- Makes sense.
If you're a top cow, what, - are you gonna not eat? - Now, I'm sorry, we can't help you.
A-All right.
Well I have info.
All right, well, what's your info? First, give me some gum for Dennis.
Oh, hardball, huh? Okay, I'll tell you what.
No, no, don't, don't, don't I'm gonna give you one shred.
- Ooh! Oh, not cool dude! - Oh, I knew he was gonna do that.
I just didn't want to feel weak in front of Frank.
I-I want to be a big-deal cow, too.
Well, now I want to be a big-deal cow, and I want gum.
But don't eat all my gum, Charlie.
All right, well, what's your info? What'd you find out? - I found a clue.
- What is it? Give me some more gum for Dennis.
- No.
I don't trust you.
- Why not? 'Cause you're just gonna put it in your mouth and eat it again.
I won't.
I promise.
Mm.
His neck is high.
Makes me trust him.
Good posture, bro.
Okay.
All right, I trust you.
- Ooh! - Aah! - I knew he couldn't be trusted.
- Oh, not cool, man.
Never trust another man in a negotiation, that's textbook.
Art of the Deal.
Art of the Deal, bro.
Oh, you tried to tell me that.
All right, Art of the Deal.
Art of the Deal, Art of the Deal.
Hey, look, we're getting somewhere, right? We're in negotiation.
That-that's good.
- That's good, men being men.
- What do you got? All right, well, tell-tell us what the clue is.
Why would I tell you? You already gave me what I want.
Because we both know what Dennis'll do to you if you come back empty-handed He will scratch you silly, Mac.
Killer negotiation, man.
- Holy shit! - Yeah.
Pretty sweet, right? - Art of the Deal.
- Art of the Deal.
- He was lying.
- So what's up, what'd you find? I got this.
I think it's time for a summit.
Thank you for coming to my summit.
Well, it's not your summit.
It's everyone's summit.
That's what a summit is.
The point is we're here to discuss the terms of your surrender.
Our surrender? Why would we surrender to you? We know you have the heart-shaped lock.
Goddamn it, Mac! You told them?! - [exclaims.]
- Ooh! And we have all the leverage, because we have something you need, and we're not gonna tell you what.
The key? - Yeah.
- Okay, so there goes your leverage.
Yeah.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
For you cannot open a lock without a key.
And you can't do anything with just a key.
It appears we're at a standstill.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- By the way, is anybody else wondering why we haven't heard Dee make a peep this entire time? Goddamn it, you guys! Why is no one answering me?! AMANDA: I don't even think they can hear you.
Is there a chance your brother would've sound-proofed his room for some reason? Ugh Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
Oh, Dennis, you psychopath.
How long have I been locked in here? - [rapid beeping.]
- What the DENNIS [on laptop.]
: Welcome, sexual conquest.
As previously discussed, you've pressed the button on the alarm clock, signifying your permission to begin the game.
- Ew.
- A digital copy of your thumbprint has been sent as your e-signature confirming your full consent - for whatever may happen to you.
- Oh, God.
We've also discussed the safe word.
Feel free to use it at any time but, as we both know, from your Craigslist profile, you probably won't.
Good luck.
[exclaims.]
Oh! Oh, no! - Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
- DENNIS: Remember, - Come on, Dennis.
- if you're having too much fun, - it ruins it for me.
- Wh Ah, ah, ah.
You didn't say the safe word.
Goddamn it, Dennis.
AMANDA: This is insanely disturbing.
All right, you do it for a living.
Get off your high horse.
- Dennis! Oh, no.
- AMANDA: Okay, okay, maybe I can help you unlock the door after all.
What do you see in the room? What's the first clue? No, no, you don't get it.
There's no going out that door, all right? I-I know my brother better than anybody else.
The fact that his prisoner cannot escape is really what's getting him off.
[sighs.]
Without that safe word there's only one way out of this room.
And that's doing something drastic.
[all mumbling indistinctly.]
- [laughs, mutters.]
- And no decision upon us.
So I will tarry forth with what we've said about Oh, gentlemen, uh, gentlemen, if I may.
As your newly elected speaker, I'd like to start by saying I henceforth relinquish any possibility of becoming team leader from myself.
So long as I am able to retain this excellent title, as speaker of the tribe.
Uh, do we all agree to these terms? Uh, yeah.
Then, as the time in the game is drawing close to an end, as is the flavor of our gum, I shall commence with the terms we've all discussed posthaste.
As we all know, we men possess both the lock and the key.
The turning of said lock and key shall give us the code to open that door and render us victorious.
The turner of said key should and shall be our team leader.
So the election of this leader is our top priority at this time.
Followed only by the power dynamic that falls underneath this leader.
And then, lastly, there is the matter of meat, and who among us gets to graze upon it.
Too far? I'll dial it back a bit.
I'll dial it back a bit.
- FRANK: Back up.
- That's very good.
Frank as the purchaser of the meat upon our imminent victory, you have offered to award each one of us with our own 20-ounce sirloin steak, provided you bite yours first.
Is this correct? Correct.
Now, Dennis, as the possessor of the lock, albeit through unscrupulous methods, let us not have another scratch.
You shall bite your steak second, followed by Mac, the original finder of the lock.
And lastly, me, for I picked the shortest of the straws.
It was unfortunate, but you were all kind enough to grant me the speaker position as to stop the incessant arguing that took place upon the picking of the straws.
FRANK: Yeah.
Do we all agree to these terms? Very good.
Very good.
Then, gentlemen, on the count of three, we shall dispense of our chewables and commence with the turning of the key.
One two three.
Gentlemen, I will remind you that time is of the essence.
Very good.
Frank, the lock and the key.
But before he opens it, I'd like to take a brief moment to recognize our excellent work as men - FRANK: Mm.
- navigating these difficult waters with ethics, with grace, with minimal violence.
But, above all, without compromise to our masculine identity by any admission of guilt, failure or weakness.
- [laughing.]
- Hear, hear.
Ah, to us as men.
Ah, to us as men.
Frank, uh, lead us to our victory.
Men.
Hmm.
- There's something inside.
- DENNIS: Uh What is it? What is it? - A note.
- Ah! - What does the note say? - [Charlie laughing.]
"And so the game begins.
" What?! I-I think this is only the first clue.
Oh, oh, shit.
There's a whole shitload of instructions - on what to do next.
- DENNIS: No, no, no.
- Next? H-How many things do we have to do next? - CHARLIE: Yeah, what is that? - Well, well, 20, 30? - Uh There's like a hundred in there.
- FRANK: Oh, shit.
- 20, 30? How much time do we have left? - Oh, no, no, no.
- Two minutes.
- Two minutes? - Two minutes.
- We don't have time to do all those things.
- Oh, no! Frank, Frank, you're in charge.
What do we do? - I don't know what to do! - DEE: You assholes! - Let me in! - MAC: Holy shit.
- Dee's out on the ledge.
- She got out of your room.
- Clever girl.
- CHARLIE: Dee! - DEE: Come on! Come on, you son of a bitch.
Let me in.
I can help you.
- Dee - I can get you out of there! - Dee, be careful.
- That ledge is really small.
- Just let me in.
Stop! Stop the game! She's gonna fall! Let her in! You guys, you have to [shouts, screams.]
- [all shout.]
- Oh, shit! - [thump, glass shattering.]
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
We've never had an injury before.
Well, I'll sue the shit out of them, Amanda.
I'm gonna do it.
I hate them.
Okay? I-I If they just would've listened to me.
- I knew how to help them get - [guys chanting.]
: Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! - Oh, there she is! There she is! - Hey! - Oh, my God.
Woo! - Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! - There's our girl.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, guys.
Yeah, Dee, you outsmarted them.
- You won the game.
- Yeah.
You took a fall for the boys.
A-And you know what? That's what a quarterback does.
Sacrifices his or her body for the team.
- You really were the quarterback.
- I was - I was the quarterback, right? - Absolutely.
Yeah, you sure were.
Yeah, no, you figured out the only loophole in my carefully curated and well-researched bondage facility.
You're the only person who's ever done that.
- Really? - Yeah, the only one.
The only one.
Yeah, game nerd.
Now, take the picture.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, y-you said if we worked as a team and we escaped from the room, - then you would take our photo for your website.
- DEE: Yeah.
But you didn't work as a team.
- Yeah, no, no, yeah-yeah, we did.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely we did, 'cause we-we got - out of the room.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, because I let you out.
Oh, yeah, but it was before the timer went off, and you didn't specify how we get out, just that we get out.
- Yeah, that's on you, really.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- That's not on us.
Okay? - Yep.
- Take the picture.
- I don't see the problem here.
Just take the picture.
- Okay.
- Yeah, but, wait, wait, wait! Wait, before you do that.
- Uh, Frank got steaks.
- Yeah.
- Steaks for everybody.
- Oh! Steaks.
- MAC: Yay! Yeah, everybody gets one, but Dee you get to bite first.
Oh, wow.
Thanks, guys.
All right, take the picture, loser.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go, let's go.
[laughing.]
One, two, three! ALL: Cheese! [trio chanting backwards.]