It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e03 Episode Script

1 ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing) ARTEMIS: I'm confused.
Wade who? Wade Boggs.
He's a Hall of Fame baseball guy who drank 70 beers on a cross-country flight.
We're gonna beat that record.
That's why I booked us these tickets.
Uh, I thought we were flying to Los Angeles for the Women's March.
Mm-hmm.
You are correct that this is an all-female flight on the way to the Women's March (burps) but I don't give a shit about that.
It's about the Boggs thing.
I didn't know it was an all-female flight.
That feels dangerous.
What are you no, hey! Come on! - Oh! - Can't smoke on an airplane.
- Goddamn, when's the last time you flew? - (grunts) Yeah, I don't get it.
You already did this.
Shouldn't we do our own thing? Why are we copying the guys? No, that's the whole point.
It's the same exact thing, but it's with women.
Right? So it's a new idea.
Okay, I just feel that if it's all with women, - then it should be better.
- Why can't we just do the same thing? Because if we do the same thing then why are we doing it at all? Yeah, I got to say I agree with that.
I mean, why can't we just come up with our own record to break? Like some badass woman who could really throw them back? You know, Judy Garland, Liz Taylor Joan Crawford Betty Ford! (stammers) No.
Those are all sad examples of alcohol abuse.
The Boggs thing just feels more fun, you know? When women do it, it just feels sad.
- - Okay.
So, last time, Mac was commissioner, but I figured I could do that and participate because women are excellent multitaskers.
What kind of plane is this? How come the coloreds are allowed to sit up front with the whites and we're way back here? Wow.
I never heard you talk so much.
Truly awful.
What is going on with her? Why is she so perky? She ate all her nicotine patches already.
Ate them?! What? You're not supposed to eat them.
Oh, my God, there was a two-week supply.
(groans) You know what? Who cares? Who cares? In that case, since you're all hopped up, you be the commissioner.
Okay? Just mark everybody's shirts every time they finish a beer.
(electronic chime) FEMALE PILOT: Hello ladies and ladies.
- (cheering) - Yeah! FEMALE PILOT: My copilot Patricia and I just wanted to welcome you aboard our all-female flight - en route to the Women's March.
- (cheering) Hell yeah! Can't wait.
Oh, no.
Two women pilots.
- I'm getting out of here.
- No, no, no.
S-Sit down.
Sit down.
You're not getting everything's fine.
You're not getting off.
Sit down.
We're in mid-goddamn-air.
You know what? Drink your beer.
That'll calm your nerves.
My goodness.
Okay.
Keep going like that, we might have ourselves a real scrimmage.
She's gonna be passed out by Indiana.
Just mark her shirt off while she's still in the game.
(Mrs.
Mac groans) ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing) Was not expecting this line.
Why do women pee so much? Uh, lady, thank you so much for saving my spot.
- I wasn't.
- All right, shut up.
What's with this line? It hasn't moved.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Mark me.
All right.
Nine, huh? - Yeah.
- Nine, Waitress.
- Very nice.
I like that.
- (whoops) Some record chugging.
What's your secret? - I'm an alcoholic.
- That'll do it.
Artemis, one? Only one? Come on.
Just feels lazy and uninspired to do exactly what the men did.
Let's at least beat a female sports star.
Ooh, I like that idea.
Like who? Secretariat? The racehorse? I like that.
Let's beat a Secretariat.
Mm, I don't like that she was named after a secretary.
She should be a boss.
But fine.
I don't get into this bathroom soon I'm gonna shit my pants! Yes! Do it! See? That's what I'm talking about.
Gross-out humor.
It's like taking the original to the next level.
See? Nobody expects that from women.
It's so much more shocking, isn't it? Give me that, give me that, give me that mark.
Oh.
Here we go.
Yes.
Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- I need two more beers.
- We're out.
No problemo.
I planned for this.
Mm-hmm.
(grunts) They don't check medical bags.
See? The guys didn't do that last time.
How's that for originality? What-what the hell? Where-where are my beers? Oh, I had to make room for all my merchandise.
Just, uh, crystals, worry dolls, dream catchers, labia rings your basics.
I'm gonna make big money in California.
- With this crap? - Yeah.
It's a land of sad, lonely, desperate women willing to pay any price for fake spirituality and clean orgasms.
Ooh, I want to I-I want to 'gasm.
See? Lookin' at my first customer.
Yeah, okay, look, I love a scam.
I-I love to scam pathetic, sad, lonely women.
But let's wait till we get to California.
For now, I need to get you drunk.
I need beers.
Goddamn it.
All right.
Hey, hey! Hey, you! Servant! Hold on a sec.
Servant.
Oh, dear God.
(chuckles) How do I keep winding up with you people? - (scoffs) - Do I know you? Do you I used to work at Guigino's.
And then I moved to Minnesota and I waited on you guys at the Super Bowl.
- Nothing? Mm? - Nope.
- Forget it, forget it, forget it.
- Nope.
Nope.
What can I do for ya? Hold on a second.
How come you're a man servant? Shouldn't there be a woman servant on an all-female flight? Well, it's "flight attendant," and I actually volunteered, because I think women have been disrespected for far too long and I wanted to honor them and be their champion Great.
You're a soy boy beta cuck.
- A what? - Whatever.
Look, uh, we're doing the Boggs thing.
I don't know what that is.
Wade Boggs.
Okay.
Is that a person's name or Doesn't matter.
Uh, listen, we're gonna need about 50 beers each, all right? And you can put it on the Boggs account.
Just make sure you keep all the ladies in the white tees lubricated.
Okay.
I'm afraid we don't have any beer, is the thing.
- What? What did you say? - Yeah.
Uh, in honor of the Women's March, we are serving pink wine.
So we only have rosé.
- Right.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Cute.
Great.
Uh, we'll take a shit ton of pink wine.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
You're welcome.
Come on.
I got news.
I do, too, and it's bad news.
I just found out Secretariat was a boy.
All racehorses are male.
I know, because I find them so attractive.
Well, that's messed up.
Why-why woman horses can't race? They should be able They can run just as fast as the boy horses.
- That's not what we're ta - They should march.
- Pussies on the track.
- Getting off track.
That's not - WOMEN: (chanting): Pussies on the track.
- What are you doing? - Pussies on the track.
- Shut up! Stop it! - We should not drink in protest.
- Stop! Shut up! Okay? Shut up! (chuckles) It's all right.
It's all right, 'cause I got a new plan.
Okay? You guys need a female athlete? (scoffs) Check this out.
I happen to know that tennis great Martina Navratilova drank 70 beers on a flight to L.
A.
, only to wake up the next morning and beat her rival, Chris Evert, at the California Open.
- Mm, that's very impressive.
- Mm-hmm.
So now we're gonna try to beat Martina Tinatinova No, goddamn it! We're doing the Boggs thing.
We're still doing the Boggs thing, but you're gonna use Martina as your inspiration.
See? Okay.
And we're also switching to pink wine.
How's that, Artemis, for switching it up? Trying new stuff? You can't just change one small specific and call it new.
- I changed three! The wine - We're still copying the men.
the athlete, and the bag! - I will drink anything that you put in front of me.
- Okay! Well, there you go.
Did you hear that? You happy? Okay, great.
So, we're all settled.
I just need to do a quick conversion because beer has a five percent alcohol content and rosé has a 12% alcohol content.
Oh, dear! Watching a woman do math scares me! Okay, so every little airplane bottle of wine will equal 2.
4 beers, so we'd have to drink 29.
17 bottles of wine to equal 70 beers.
Okay.
So let's just call it an even 29 to win.
Good? Nerd.
- ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing) - Oh We're doing a good job on those guys, huh? Mmm Oh, yeah.
We're tearing it up.
Tearing it up.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Whoo! - (attendant button chimes) Man, it is sad that there are only chicks on this plane 'cause, I mean, I am all horned up.
Well, there is a-a male servant.
Oh, yeah? Hot? - No.
Soy boy beta cuck.
- (grimaces) I know, but, uh, don't get distracted by that, okay? The main reason I picked an all-female flight is because sex is how Dennis lost.
Oh, Dennis? I-I like to hear about Dennis.
- Tell me more.
- (scoffs) He and Frank, he they made a side bet, you know.
See who could have sex.
And then Dennis ended up banging this disgusting person, and then he got off at North Dakota to avoid her.
He was (chuckles) He was the first one out.
So-so Dennis had sex on the plane, how-how many women? - Just the one.
Again - Hm don't get distracted by that.
Well, I'm gonna beat his record.
There's only one man on this flight.
Okay, well, I will figure something out.
No, no, no.
Stop.
Stop it, okay? Kno-Knock it off.
You're my Chris Evert.
You're my rival, okay? The only reason you're here is so that my hatred of you can fuel my desire to beat you, okay? So I need you staying in the game.
Okay.
Then I'm gonna beat you, you skank.
- Yes.
that is the spirit.
- (laughs) The only way to beat men is by competing against other women.
- (laughs) - Here's to that.
(baseball game organ music plays) Oh.
(groans) - Oh, it hurts so much - Where the hell is he? - I dinged that goddamn thing ten years ago.
- Yeah.
So the rose quartz is a healing gemstone, as well as the lapis lazuli.
And the goddess stone is for putting up your snatch.
- Only $70, ladies.
- All right.
All right.
What the hell is this shit? What are you doing? I'm selling my sundries, okay? Why wait for California when I've got a captive audience right now? Here.
Drink this.
Mm-mm.
What is that? Oh, my God.
Are you trying to poison me? That's not alcohol.
No, it's my special "uni-tea.
" Well, it's selling like hotcakes.
Drink up, ladies.
It helps your prostate.
Women don't have a prostate, goddammit.
Or is that what men want you to believe? You're supposed to be drinking wines.
You know, you're not supposed to be selling vag rocks and-and shit tea.
You ca six? Six is pathetic, even for you.
No, you know what's pathetic? Is this Boggs ladies remake.
- Don't do that.
- Huh? Yeah, no.
I will do that.
This Boggs is busted, 'cause I'm doing my own thing now.
And it's empowering and communal.
Next level shit, right, ladies? Not to mention I've already taken these bitches for three hundo, so, what? All right, goddammit, Mrs.
Mac, Artemis is out.
Yeah.
Out of this world.
Sw Oh, okay.
All right.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, six is a yonic number, I'm cool with it.
Hey, who wants me to read their moon charts? - Oh, oh.
- Yes.
("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing) Where's the goddamn drink slave? Does anybody here do their job? Oh, hello, Deandra.
Hey.
15, huh? Nice.
I underestimated you, champ.
I'm trying to find the guy to get us some more drinks to calm your nerves, but I think Oh, I don't need any more.
I found a man to help me feel safe.
- Who, the waiter? - No.
A real man.
Yo! Frank.
What What the hell are you doing here? I'm posting up.
I figure a plane full of broads, there's gonna be a lot of horny women, so I'm like a spider waiting back here to catch some flies.
No.
No, goddamn it.
This is my all-female version.
You're not supposed to be here.
Whe In every reboot you gotta have somebody from the original to make a cameo.
- No.
- Hey.
I heard there's a man back here.
Oh.
Nope.
It's just you.
- Want to rumble? - No, I don't, but I do want to beat Dennis, so just pop it in.
I'm gonna need more wine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, drink slave.
Been looking all over the damn plane.
I need more five more bottles.
Sorry, that is not possible.
One of our premier passengers just bought the rest of the bottles on the plane.
What? Who? Whoa.
Coach people are not allowed in first class.
Oh.
Okay, so I'm a second-class person? - Mm.
- Is that 'cause I'm a woman? - Did you hear that, ladies?! - That's not what I said.
Oh, Oh, my God! Did you just try and slap me in my face? - No.
- Oh, you better say cheese, buddy, 'cause you're about to go viral.
- CHARLIE (on phone): Got to connect the Wi-Fi - MAC: Oh, she picked up.
(audio breaking up): - Oh, hi, Dee.
- Hey.
Hi.
What are you guys doing on my phone? (audio breaking up) How many checks do you have on your - CHARLIE: It's only got 20-20 beers.
- No.
- MAC: We knew you wouldn't do it.
- No, 20 wines.
I sw - We had to switch to wine.
- Three beers.
Three beers.
- They ran out of the beers.
- We knew you wouldn't do it.
- Wine has a higher blood alcohol content.
- (Mac and Charlie shouting) - DEE: They switched to wine 'cause of Women's March.
- (yelling indistinctly) - There is no smoking in here.
- A higher blood alcohol - Whoever's in there Is this a friend of yours? - (alarm blaring) - Who is this? - Oh, my God.
- Goddamn it, Mrs.
Mac.
- Hello? ATTENDANT: Hello? - It's the women pilots! - ATTENDANT: What? No.
Oh, we're all gonna crash! - No, we're not.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
- (sobbing) I've got to get out of here! - We're fine, calm down.
- You've got to take over the controls! All right, where's the wine? Which one of you first-class assholes decided to go and take all the wine? 'Cause I'm gonna be needing a fe-a few of 'em back.
GAIL: Looking for this? (slurping) - Snail? - Yeah.
Heard you were doing the Boggs Soggs lady reboot thing.
Did you lose my invitation? No.
You weren't invited.
Come on.
You don't want the coolest chick in the world around? You're so jealous, obvi.
I'm not jealous of you, I didn't invite you because you're the worst.
Oh, really? 'Cause I'm gonna ruin your game now.
Good luck beating the guys.
You're stuck at 20, 'cause I bought all the wine.
Mm-mmm.
- I'm gonna salt you, Snail! (grunts) Back! - Mm-mmm Mm! - Stop it! Help me! - (Waitress singing on intercom) - Stewardess! - Oh, what now? (slurring): When funny little men Are walking down the golden road Rainbows, rainbows and wine Oh, wine.
May I borrow this? Thank you.
She's gone full Judy Garland.
Isn't it glorious? All right.
Well, you don't do the mic thing, though.
- The mic thing Uh, the mic thing is my thing.
- Rainbows and wine - Rainbows and No! no! - Yeah.
Yeah, I did the mic thing last time and it killed, but when you do it, it just seems to be depressing and sad.
That's because when women drink, it is depressing and sad.
I had sex in the bathroom with Frank, and now I'm in a shame spiral.
I'm gonna drink myself to death.
Okay, there you go.
Whatever keeps you going.
Stand up, though, okay? Stand up, though, Waitress.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
Stay with me.
Hey.
- Stay with me.
Hang in there.
- (moaning) Dennis.
Not Dennis! Don't-don't do Don't touch me, okay? Wake up.
We're not Goddamn it.
We're not even halfway to California.
Step aside, Dee, and let me do my job.
Fine.
Goddamn it.
(mutters) ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing) WOMAN: Giving up so easy? (gasps) Martina Navratilova? I never thought you'd give up when you're so close to beating the record.
(sighs) I can't do it, Marty.
- Don't call me that.
- Well, I'm all out of booze, and I'm all out of motivation.
Right? 'Cause my competition pussed out, up there.
- (moaning) - And this one back here.
- (snoring) - It was my hatred for them that kept me going.
It's not about hating your opponent.
Chris Evert and I were actually good friends.
We'd play a hard match, but then go out for dinner after.
Male opponents had the luxury of hating each other.
But, as women, we had to stick together to fight for the respect we deserve and grow the sport.
- Get it? - Yeah.
You and Chris were No.
- No.
- No.
- Okay, I don't get it.
- You and your friends need to - You know what? Forget it.
- What? You're using me as inspiration, but you don't know anything about me.
- I don't even look like this.
- Yeah, you do.
No, it's just your imagination filling in the blanks.
Really? Now you're imagining me as Lori Petty in A League of Their Own.
That was a good female reboot.
No, it was its own thing.
And just so you know, I never drank 70 beers before winning the California Open.
That's not even a real event.
Your whole hallucination is a mess.
Who cares? Tennis is boring.
Let's face it, I'm not gonna find my Chris Evert in this sea of duds.
It's over.
Deandra, you should have let them crazy boys do this.
Well, now, don't you start.
GAIL: I'll be your Chris Evert.
No, get out of here, Snail.
I don't respect you.
Oh, yeah? Well, respect this.
I've been playing the game the whole time.
You're one behind me, loser.
Snail.
Let's do this.
- ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" playing) - (Dee moaning) (Gail moaning) Too much spit.
(slurring): Ah, I did it! I did it.
I'm Mar-I'm Martina! It's okay, baby girl.
It's over.
I know it's over.
'Cause I beat Martina.
I beat Boggs.
I'm about to beat all of 'em.
No.
It's over.
I'm pulling the plug on your male hand-me-down plot.
As women, we deserve better.
We deserve our own story.
- (coughing, retching) - What is happening? That tea that I served was spiked with ayahuasca.
We're talkin' baseball Kluszewski, Campanella Talkin' baseball The Man and Bobby Feller, the Scooter (retching, farting) Oh, no! It's coming out both ends.
(retching) - The maximum gross-out.
- (farts) So nobody saw that coming from women.
(farting, coughing) God, wha What is going on? I'm tripping so hard.
(gasps) Where are we? Are we in L.
A.
? - No.
We're in North Dakota.
- Mm.
And only those passengers deemed fit to fly will go on to Los Angeles.
And you're not one of them.
- No.
- Oh.
Wait.
One more thing.
Mm Okay.
Bye-bye.
Thank you for flying with us.
(farting, moaning) (tires screech) California, USA.
- Meh.
- Mmm (laughs) Meh.
(trio chanting backwards)