Archer s13e04 Episode Script

1
Now what is this bullshit?
Um, which of the many species
of bullshit
in our bullshit ecosystem
are you referring to?
The jellybeans,
which are only licorice,
buttered popcorn, and
mm I think, hatred?
Or the coffee maker,
which is gone
- and replaced by off-brand instant?
- "Folber's Crystals,
- an acceptable part of waking up."
- It's these chip flavors.
Snail, paella, Dutch onion,
and menthol?
Wow, a bag of these
has more nicotine
than a pack of cigarettes.
- Well, now I wanna try them.
- This is why you'll fill out
your food requisition forms
properly,
otherwise you get the leftovers
from Headquarters
that no one wants.
Is there any part of IIA
that isn't some kind of
Kafka-meets-Brazil
bureaucratic circle jerk?
See?
This is why you lack vision.
Our company-mandated
biquarterly circle jerks decrease
sexual frustration and
increase productivity by 6%.
Is he joking, or is it
about to get awesome in here?
New mission:
there's a device out there
- that we need to reacquire.
- So not awesome.
- The Magnetic Pulse Generator.
- Magnets?
Are we worried
someone will attack
a kindergarten science class?
It can wipe out
all computer memory
in a mile radius.
And it does this.
Ooh, props to the graphics team.
I was skeptical,
but they're so worth it.
Wait a second.
I know that death metal device.
That's Helga!
How do you know about my Helga?
I have cameras
planted everywhere,
- including your lab.
- How dare you!
Didn't you set up cameras in
all the bathrooms at one point?
Putting cameras in bathrooms
is one thing.
But a lab?
That is private.
I saw potential in your project
if paired with a proprietary
IIA energy source,
but after I stole it from you,
someone stole it from me.
The Swiss.
- The Swiss?
- The cheese guys?
1929. Black Monday.
The Swiss.
The Cuban Missile Crisis.
Swiss.
- 1985. The Cola Wars.
- That is one alert mob.
These elite Swiss operatives
- call themselves the Invisible Hand.
- Oh, yeah.
Mother sometimes
talked about them
when she was drinking.
She said it was like
the entire country
extracted
all their war-like impulses
and injected them
into a tiny group of people.
They're going
after the Cayman Islands
because the global rich
are banking there
- and not banking in Switzerland.
- Oh, no. Rich people problems.
If the Invisible Hand
succeeds, it would throw IIA
into financial chaos and
probably ignite a global war.
Well, that's not good.
Ah, yes, Lana, the old saying.
"War is not good."
So we steal the device back
before the Swiss can use it.
With the help
of your demolitions expert!
- Huh?
- I get it.
When Ms. Archer was in charge,
she didn't really go on missions,
but I'm a hands-on boss.
- You are not the boss.
- I'm in the chair!
I need this to go by the book,
and since my last leader
is still in the hospital
due to snake
and multiple spider bites
I forgot that.
It was really bad.
Agent Figgis
is leading the mission.
- Oh, great.
- Obviously.
For the last time,
let me say this.
You're not my supervisor!
I quit.
Ah, don't worry, bud.
She'll be back.
Oh, those Swiss bastards
got their dirty,
cheese-stinking fingers
all over my beautiful device!
Wait. Where's Cheryl?
Okay, let's go destroy this thing.
- Reacquire it.
- Uh, I doubt it.
Have you met us?
So before the Swiss
wipe the banks' data
on the mainland,
they plan to blow up
the backup server
stored
on this old drilling platform.
Our job is to intercept them,
then interrogate them
to find out
where they stored the device.
- So the device isn't on the rig?
- We don't think so.
To access the rig,
we'll enter undetected
through this hatch here
- then locate and ambush the Swiss.
- God, you are so bad at this.
It's like watching a clown car
crash into a birthday party.
Tragic,
but at some level, hilarious.
Archer, can you please
put the bourbon down
- and concentrate?
- Scotch. No.
And don't you think
you should concentrate?
We're already behind schedule.
Because you stopped
at the liquor store
on the way to the airport!
Because I knew
you wouldn't stock the plane,
so maybe next time
be a little more professional.
This from the man who
invented the term
- "groin taxi."
- Ha! Shows what you know.
That was a term I used to
cleverly expense prostitutes.
- We all know that!
- Lana. You're only making things worse.
- I've got this.
- Yeah, Lana. Our leader, Cyril's, got this.
Just listen to him
since he's obviously our superior.
Speaking of superiors,
I try to insulate myself
from peasant work,
but this has got to go perfectly.
None of us want to be fired.
Oh, no, not fired,
the thing you threaten us with
- every day of our goddamn lives.
- You misunderstand.
A mistake this big at our level?
After the firing,
then there's the firing squad.
I'm using wordplay here,
of course.
- Oh!
- Oh, thank God.
They'll probably just poison us.
So I feel like
that imminent death thing
kind of derailed my briefing.
- Any questions?
- Yeah. Why did Fabian put you in charge?
You're, like, notoriously bad
in high-stress situations.
What?
Name one time.
Last week, you got hives
trying to decide
between "best"
or "best regards" in an email.
Okay, well,
that was a tonal minefield.
I wish it were a real one,
and then we wouldn't be
having this conversation.
Who did you think
Fabian was gonna pick?
Archer can't do it.
Lana's a threat to power.
And Krieger is Krieger.
- There's nobody left.
- I'm left.
You don't know the first thing
about leading a mission, Pam.
I know you've got
about 60 seconds
before your tactical lead there
hurls chum into the ocean.
Archer, I told you to leave
the booze on the plane.
But I didn't.
Okay, we get on the rig.
Lana and Pam will get
any rig workers to a safe room.
- Archer and I will start
- Hey, sea turtles!
- Whoo!
- What?
You're supposed to stay more
than 10 feet away from those!
And are you
supposed to be sober
when you make
new best friends?
- Because I'm not doing that either!
- Lana, a little help here.
I thought
I was making things worse.
Remember: "I got this."
Called it.
That wasn't from drinking.
I ate those menthol chips
on the plane.
But now that my head's clear,
I have two questions.
What are we doing?
And which ocean is this?
Explain to me
how we can defuse this
- if it gets activated.
- That's easy.
You can't,
because it's not a bomb.
It's a resonating superconductor.
Once it starts, the pulse
gets bigger and bigger
until it tears itself apart.
- Well, what can you do?
- I don't remember. I built it in
what do you call it
a fugue state?
By "fugue state," you mean
shit-assed on drugs, right?
Of course not!
But that was also happening, yes.
Hey, Lana,
do you ever get the sense
that certain people
in this group get ignored?
Mm, which certain people?
Well, to put it delicately,
the ones with tits.
Thank you for being delicate,
but yes.
I can't just force myself
to care anymore.
I just wanna do my job
and go home.
But I have a lot of great qualities.
I always keep Cheryl in line.
Yeah,
I would not lead with that.
- Is it just me, or
- Is nobody here?
Great job, Cyril.
- They got away.
- Who?
Whoever we're capturing,
shooting, and/or rescuing.
How would we shoot
and rescue them?
Hmm.
Mercy killing?
We're late
because of your delays!
Excuse me for being enchanted
by turtles,
the world's most mysterious
sea creatures.
Oh, come on.
Everyone knows that's narwhals.
Pfft, only if the mystery is
who's overcompensating
for something.
No one's here
because Cyril messed up,
probably due to his obsession
with narwhals.
Let's meet up on the deck
and talk about
how much we hate him.
Pfft, narwhals.
Basically the Ferrari of tusks.
- Wait, check for
- Aah!
I am called Alessia.
I represent the Invisible Hand,
and that was a warning shot.
How was that a warning shot?
You grazed me.
I'm very good.
I'm baffled
by the complete lack
of pornographic doodling
on these schematics.
Are you sure these IIA folks
are real scientists?
Oh, for God's sake!
I'm so fudged right now.
I need to know how to safely
transport this thing now!
I'm fudged!
Is there anyone
at IIA you can talk to?
No!
If the board finds out
- You're fudged?
- I'm fudging fudged!
If you can't figure this out,
I will throw you out of this plane.
Well, there is a way to disable it
before it goes off, but it's dicey.
Requires extreme precision.
What?
I was just thinking about who
I was counting on to be precise.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- Hiyah!
- Ooh!
This rig is set to self-destruct.
Don't worry,
we've evacuated the workers
and given them
little chocolates.
The Invisible Hand isn't evil,
but if you get
in our way again,
- you will be eliminated.
- Yep, totally non-evil thing to say.
- Well, regardless, remember it.
- I didn't hear it.
Could you say it again
but slower
and turn your chin
to catch the light?
I said, if I see you again,
I'll eliminate you.
- Chocolate?
- My God.
The turtles!
If the rig collapses
What's the plan, Cyril?
Are we stuck here?
No!
We still have their ropes.
I am now open to suggestions.
Protect yourselves!
Pull your heads
into your beautiful shells!
What do we do?
What do we do?
Wait, I've got it.
"Best regards." That's the one.
God damn it, Cyril.
Jump.
But we're hundreds
of feet aah!
Cannonball!
He really did it.
He's gonna die trying
to save turtles while drunk.
Well, at least he'll die
doing what he loves.
Being an idiot.
Oh, look.
It's a visual metaphor
for your leadership.
- Hey, that's not fair.
- He's right, because that platform
- would've collapsed years ago.
- It hasn't gone that badly.
- And cue the sharks.
- Whoo!
Zodiac!
Okay, guys, hop in,
but be careful.
There's not a lot of room
with all these turtles in here.
- Just put them back in the ocean!
- What? No.
There's, like,
a ton of sharks out there.
- Attracted by your vomit!
- Those are vomit sharks?
- I said, "These are vomit"
- We heard you.
Yet you refuse
to embrace the mystery!
Hey, bud, at what point
do you think you'll slow down?
- It's to be determined, Pam.
- Now, you pack of absolute morons,
you've blown our chance
to grab this thing
before it's operational,
but there's still a chance.
- But it'll be tight. We have to
- Shut that idiocy production
factory you call a mouth!
You're no longer in charge.
The backup servers
are destroyed,
so the banks will scramble
to make physical backups
of their data.
Which means
they'll be dismantling
their electromagnetic shielding.
Precisely, but you're
not in charge either.
The Swiss will wait
for a few hours
for peak vulnerability
and then set it off.
We'll intercept them
on the way in.
Uh, explain
why we're doing this again.
This sure seems like
your mess-up.
You're not wrong,
but if the banks go down
and the world erupts in chaos,
IIA will need scapegoats.
They'll burn you.
Hey, Lana.
Have you noticed
there's a leadership vacuum
now with Cyril
being a little bitch and all?
- No offense.
- That is not possible.
Oh, my God, I just want
to do my job and go home,
but it's not working.
- So you know what happens now?
- I think
- I take over and fix everything!
- Exactly what I was gonna say.
Okay, platoons. Here we go.
Lana, keep your eyes southeast.
Archer, you look northwest.
Cyril, you look
in the other direction.
Uh, I don't remember
Fabian putting you in charge.
Pipe down, cadet.
Better listen, Cyril.
She means business.
Lana, shut your tits!
Keep this line clear.
You know,
for a global banking center,
this place is way smaller
than I imagined.
CYRIL: Island fact:
it actually has
more registered businesses
than it has residents.
God damn it, Archer.
Are you drinking again?
Again implies that
I stopped at some point, Pam.
And I'm supporting
local businesses
against these international
goliaths, so I'm basically David.
Except drunk.
Hey, hey, hey,
David was a musician
with eight wives
who killed a dude with a rock.
Does that scream sober to you?
Speaking of human liabilities,
has anyone heard from Cheryl?
I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I kind of miss her.
Yeah,
feels like a great moment
for some wildly
unhelpful curveball.
Got her.
They just turned her on.
Warming up now, getting
ready for her big debut.
Aw, Helga.
- They grow up so fast.
- Okay, everyone.
The package is coming in
from the south.
Wait.
It's coming in way too fast.
It must be in the air.
Well, that simplifies things.
- They're running away.
- Wait.
No, the package is still on track.
How could that
So she's going
to activate it in the air
as she flies over the city.
What a cleverly Beverly.
God, she's like a Valkyrie.
Take me to Valhalla.
I've got a wingsuit in the back.
Krieger, take the stick and
continue my intercept course.
No, you fudging idiot!
Don't
Give me back my baby!
Now, I will expertly
swoop by and grab the
I don't know
how to do any of that!
Aah!
Archer, commandeer a vehicle.
- I'm sorry about this
- Hey!
But would it kill you
to do some maintenance?
Hello, Occifers.
Obviously, this truck is mine
because why else would
I be holding a pineapple?
To the junkyard!
Do you think you could stop
soaking yourself in piña coladas?
Who am I?
Jimmy Buffett's carpet?
This is a modified painkiller,
which is way stronger.
Second, you're not my boss.
Pam is.
Would you put down
your damn drink?
- No!
- Damn it! I'm out of ammo.
Huh.
Aah!
You guys see that?
That was nuts, right?
Ha ha!
Stupid Swiss.
It's the Battle of Grauholz
all over again!
Uh, guys?
Any quick tips on landing?
Oh, God.
It's happening so fast!
Whoa!
Shh!
It's okay.
Daddy's here.
Uh,
not to ruin a sweet moment,
which this is absolutely not,
but is that thing ticking?
Huh, guess it is a bomb.
My baby's all grown up.
- Tell him not to disarm that device!
- Yeah, good luck with that.
He doesn't listen to us.
- Green wire?
- Yeah, probably.
Ha ha ha!
Triumph,
if a bit anticlimactic.
Ugh, I hate how it always
works out for you,
even when you're being a dick!
You know, everyone has
been really on my back today,
but in the end, I'm
always the best. To me!
Uh, Krieger?
- Oh, don't panic.
- Oh, good.
No, don't panic.
Run!
Get rid of your metals!
Guns, belts, commemorative
Prussian war coins!
God, this is, like, the worst
airport security line ever.
Okay, I think we're
Totally screwed!
What the hell, Krieger?
It's oscillating.
It'll get stronger each time!
- Why does it do that?
- Because science is weird!
Take cover!
If we don't stop her,
she'll keep expanding her range
and wipe out all digital data
on the island.
- So we need to destroy it?
- No!
- But also yes.
- Aah! What are we doing?
Cyril, you're not the leader
anymore, so stop thinking.
Bum-rush this metal chucker
and smash it to smithereens!
Oof!
Why aren't you
letting us save you?
Oh, right,
they want this to happen.
Never mind!
Makes sense now!
Everybody,
grab something metal.
Charge!
Now let go!
- Ow!
- Aah!
- Wow, that was a great idea, Pam.
- Right?
Well, that was bizarre.
Don't just stand there,
you rich bastard.
Fight!
Those Swiss are fast learners.
Damn their superior
educational system.
Not on my watch, sister.
Cold-cocked!
Does that translate?
Because it's fantastic.
Ugh, you again?
I don't know
if I want to fight you, be you,
or sleep with you.
Well, let's start with the first
and see how it goes.
Aw, man.
Now I gotta get a tetanus shot.
If you want something
done right ow!
Fuck!
My fucking hand!
Oh, look at it.
See you when it's over.
Fabian out.
Cover me.
I'm gonna try to destroy it.
Oh, is that a Tudor
Oyster Explorer? Sweet
Ow!
What the hell?
I maybe shouldn't
have chugged the pineapple.
There were, like,
six different rums in there,
and now they're fighting.
It's so liberating
not to think all the time.
Here, take this!
You take that!
Krieger,
how do we destroy this?
Heads up, you Swiss bitch!
Oh, God! Sorry!
I was just trying
to knock you down.
- Just shoot it!
- How?
Shoot anywhere when
the magnet is in attract mode.
- Archer, get on!
- Whoa!
Your Amazonian body
takes up too much space, Lana.
- I can't balance.
- Or maybe you can't balance
because you are wasted!
Babysitting me
isn't part of your job,
as I've told you many times.
Ugh, shut up and grab the gun!
Oh, God, is there no rhythm
to this thing?
Guess not.
Oh, I can't look.
Aah!
I hate
to mess you up like this.
And here I thought
you were enjoying it.
Are we, like, flirting?
I mean, this is fun, but
I'd appreciate some clarity.
Just tell me one thing.
Why is Fabian after us?
- He's the one who sold us the device.
- He did?
- Just go.
- Really?
Yeah, I mean,
we all know Fabian sucks.
I'm not gonna sacrifice
a goddess for a douchebag.
You know,
you're much more formidable
than the two idiots
I encountered on the oil rig.
They're lucky to have
an incredible leader.
Aw, shucks.
Just get outta here.
Alessia, wait!
You got any more
of that chocolate?
- No!
- What happened here?
- Is Archer knocked out?
- Nope.
He passed out unscathed.
Wow, what a screwup.
Who knew a pineapple
could hold that much rum?
So I blacked out and did
something amazing, right?
That's what always happens.
No need to say anything.
You're welcome.
Looks like a nailed this.
Oh, also nailing it,
that nail
through your hand, Fabian.
That looks like it hurts.
Well, that's what happens when
you're not as awesome as me.
So how about the Swiss, right?