It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e04 Episode Script

1 CHARLIE: Come on, hurry up, guys.
I want to get a good seat.
DENNIS: What do you mean you want to get Charlie, this is a sexual harassment seminar.
There are no "good seats.
" Where are you going? - Up front.
- This is so unfair.
I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't happen to, like, loads of women all the time, but I don't harass anybody, so why am I here? Because some Internet warrior put Paddy's on a list of unsafe places for women and we can't have that, okay? - Not in this climate.
- Right.
Ugh! You kids and your climates.
Back in the day, I banged all my secretaries.
- Frank.
- That's the way you did it.
You hire some girl with no experience, you bang her, you promote her.
It's a win-win situation for everybody, except for the wives.
Frank, modulate your volume, okay? This is serious, okay? The future of Paddy's depends on us completing this seminar.
You guys should be really worried.
I'm not worried about anything, man.
If anyone should be worried about weird shit with women, it's you, bro.
- (Frank chuckles) - The only reason we're here is because you DENNIS'd someone probably and she put us on the list.
We're only here 'cause of you.
Yeah, you perv.
You happy now? - You happy? - Happy? (scoffs) You guys, this isn't about me.
I don't know if you noticed, but women are on a little bit of a rampage right now and anyone could be taken down at any moment, so, you know, no, I'm not happy right now.
Who could possibly be happy right now? Hey-o! Who's ready to party?! Time's up, time's up, time's up Time's up, time's up, time's up.
(laughs) - - Hello.
I'm Kate.
And I want to begin today by addressing the reason that we're all here, the so-called "Shitty Bar List" of unsafe places for women.
Ah, yes.
Uh, just a quick question.
How many points do we need? I'm sorry, points? Yeah, how many points do we need to score to get our name taken off the list? Oh.
No, there's no points.
Everything is graded by points, right? I mean, otherwise, how could the Eagles have won the Super Bowl, right? All you have to do is complete the seminar and then your bar will have its name removed from the list.
- There you go.
Simple.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, but our-our name shouldn't even be on that list 'cause, like, we don't really have any history of misbehavior at Paddy's Pub.
Well, I'm sure a lot of people here today feel that way, but I encourage you to keep your minds open And your dicks in your pants.
(laughs) Ma'am, that kind of language is inappropriate in a professional setting.
That's one of the things that you'll learn in the seminar.
Uh, yes? Do you have a question? Statute of limitations.
Okay.
I'm just trying to get through the introduction here, but since you asked, the federal law is 300 days from the last act, depending on the state and Sir, are you leaving? - Frank! - What? They got nothing on me past '92, tops.
DENNIS: Hold on a second there.
Uh, pardon me, Kate, but, um, aren't some states considering doing away with the statute of limitations altogether? Some states like, uh, Nevada? KATE: Yes, that's right.
Can they do that? It's possible.
Yes.
FRANK: Nevada, huh? Ah, it's getting warm in here.
Uh, got to make some calls.
Shit.
You can continue now.
I promise you there will be no further interruptions.
Right.
We're gonna jump right into the group work.
Half of you are gonna go with me and the rest will be led by my associate Alan.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Alan.
Oh! Here comes the boss man.
- Finally, a dude.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay, cool.
He's in charge.
Uh, ma'am? Could we go with Alan, please? Actually, I think we should split your group up.
That's, uh, that's gonna be a lot harder for me - to keep tabs on you guys.
- Don't worry, Dennis.
I'm gonna make you so proud.
I'm gonna work really hard and get all the points and What is with you and the points? There are no points.
We established that.
Well, that's how the Eagles won the Super Bowl.
I know that's how the Eagles won the but this isn't the Eagles.
Okay? - This is a seminar.
- MAC: Go Birds, though.
- Oh, go Birds, go Birds.
- All right, fine, go Birds.
Yes.
I know.
Go Birds.
Get your hand off my knee.
Look, just sit here and do nothing.
ALAN: So, in this room we're going to be talking about harassment in the workplace.
And thank you to Elliot who's agreed to play our boss.
I'll just need another volunteer from the group.
- Oh! Oh! Alan! - Alan! Alan! Alan! - DEE: I'll do it.
- Uh, so, uh - Alan! Alan! Sir, would you mind just jumping in for me? - Thank you.
- (Charlie groans) Um, great.
So just read from the script and I'll jump in as and when.
"Good morning, boss.
" "Hello, Johnson.
Have that report on my desk by 5:00.
- "Hey, did you see the boobs on that new intern?" - And stop.
Now, can anyone tell me what the boss did wrong there? Yeah.
He mumbled his lines.
I didn't believe a word out of his mouth.
Uh, no, sorry.
I mean in the scenario.
- He-he used vulgar language.
- That is correct.
B-But she didn't hear it.
This is just locker room talk between guys.
Now, that's actually a common misconception, okay? Lewd comments can be a form of harassment even if directed to a third party.
But it's not for her.
It's about her.
No, sorry.
It's-it's actually, it's the employee who's talking to the boss that is the one that was offended.
- What? Why? - No, no, no, the employee - would find it hilarious.
- Yeah.
I mean, not this guy 'cause the boss sucks at telling jokes.
Well, also, we really don't know how funny the joke is yet 'cause we haven't seen the girl's boobs.
Can we see them? Okay.
Uh, let's (laughs) let's switch gears.
Maybe try a different scenario.
Thanks, gents.
Just, uh, uh, take a seat.
Um, so, uh, Mac, what is it that you do at the bar? - I am the head of security at Paddy's Pub.
- He's our doorman.
- No, he's just like our gay guy now.
- No, well Great.
So, you check IDs.
That-that sort of thing.
- He should.
- Not once has he ever checked an ID.
- It's one aspect of the job.
- Yeah, he should.
Why don't you, why don't you hop up here and we'll do a little scenario that-that might be a little more familiar to you.
- You are very tall.
- Yes, I am.
Now, should I take my shirt off for the scenario? Because I feel like standing next to you, they're not gonna be as intimidated, but if I were to take my shirt off, they would be intimidated.
I'm not in the scenario.
- We're good.
We're good.
- Yeah, we're okay.
- We get it.
We get it.
- That's him doing his gay guy thing.
So, uh, can we also get a female customer? - Ooh, yeah.
- A volunteer? I will be the young, female customer.
"Young, female customer.
" Great, good.
Yes.
Okay.
Well, um, just, uh, do your job as you would normally and I will, um, you know, jump in if you cross over into any gray areas.
Okay.
So what's my character? Uh, you're just trying to get into the bar.
Yeah, but why? To get a drink, I suppose.
Why? I just drank three beers on the way over.
You don't show up at a bar sober.
What a waste of money.
What are you gonna Just you're trying to get into the bar.
- I'm here for revenge.
- Okay.
Sure.
Alan, what's my character again? - You're the doorman.
- Right.
And how many drinks have I had at this point? You are you're not in the scenario.
- I've had five.
- Okay.
Marvelous.
Let's, uh, let's begin whenever you're ready.
(clears throat) Excuse me, sir, have you (all shouting) - Whoa! - Wow.
- (Charlie laughs) - ALAN: Jesus Christ.
Why did you do that? Oh, well, well, she came at me, - and it was sort of my instinct.
- That was amazing.
- That was great, right? - You got me, like, a foot off the ground.
- A-Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.
No, it doesn't hurt.
Did it-did it make you feel humiliated? Did it make you-make you feel small? That's what it is, it made me feel teeny-tiny.
- Like Thumbelina.
- That's what I was going for.
Thumbelina! - That's the highest I've ever gotten.
- He's never gotten me that high before.
You're lucky I haven't called the police.
Why-why would you call the police? Oh, wait.
H-Hold on.
Is that sexual harassment? No, that is sexual assault.
- Really? - Assault? No.
Dee, Dee.
I did not assault you.
Please tell Alan that I did not assault you.
Well, now that I've gotten a little distance from the event.
Wha No, Alan, we do this kind of stuff all the time.
W-Charlie, would you tell him? - He's gone.
- You do this all the time? Y-You've got a big problem, all right? She could press charges.
- Could I? - No.
MAC: No! Dee.
No.
- He just said I could, so - Oh, God.
It just, i-it did somebody turn up the heat? Yeah, you sweating? You sweating a little bit, Ronald? - Yeah? - No, it's just the climate.
The term "sexual harassment," it wasn't coined until 1975, - by a woman named Carmita Wood.
- Carmita Wood.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
- (chuckles) You really know your history.
- Well, this is important stuff.
- DEE: Oh, please.
- God, get lost, Dee.
- No way, I'm on a roll.
- So who could tell me - DEE: (clears throat) Hey.
Is it sexual harassment when a man constantly calls his female coworker a bird? That depends.
Is that a sexual innuendo of some kind? Just a big dumb flightless bird.
Well, it's not very nice, but it's not sexual harassment.
(quietly): (laughs) Nice try, you dumb bitch.
(regular volume): Um, Kate, if I may, yeah.
Um, federal law really only recognizes two types of sexual harassment: quid pro quo and hostile work environment.
That is very good, Dennis.
- Thank you.
- No, no, don't do that.
This man is a monster.
Believe you, me.
- (chuckles): What? - He is the worst person I know.
Got to protect me on this, Larry.
I start with the secretaries.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Frank.
Pants.
I was sweating through my clothes.
It's this damn climate.
Sir, that robe is inappropriate.
- And I don't think - Hon, I'm on the phone, you see? I don't know.
I bought her a Camaro.
No You know I don't go Chinese.
I don't know why, I just don't.
Korean? Oh, put her on the list.
I really did a number on her.
- (laughs) - Yeah Why don't we take a break? Got to get your shit together, Frank.
- You - Oh, I wish I was dead.
These vultures are picking my carcass clean.
Whoa, Frank.
Hey, stop talking.
- Where'd you get that robe? - Upstairs.
I got to get one of them, man.
Nice.
Whoa.
Wait, Jesus, Mac.
What the hell happened to you? I'm gonna be honest.
The first half has not gone well.
- You got exposed, too? - Oh, yeah, he did.
Big time.
He did a role-play thing, it went bad.
Wait, role-playing thing? Y-You were supposed to do nothing.
I mean, n-now you're all sweaty and twitchy? Well, it's-it's so hot in here.
I mean, I feel like they crank up the heat.
Oh, they cranked it up.
I'm roasting.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which one of you just grabbed my ass? (laughs) Did you see that? Did you see T-that is a problem for us.
T-Their powers are growing.
Okay? Now, we got to start taking this more seriously, okay? Can you guys just go back in there and do nothing, okay? Just don't say or do anything.
KATE: Can anyone tell me the two types of sexual harassment? Oh.
Oh, oh.
Uh, uh, flirting and groping.
No! Uh, groping and-and dick pics.
Yeah, I-I know that sending dick pics is one of them.
You're kidding.
Christ.
- I got to shoot some texts.
- KATE: Actually, it's quid pro quo and hostile work environment.
Would you please stop interrupting me? - (laughs): Ooh, ooh, burn.
- Please And you.
Could you please sit down? No, it's cool.
I'm on your side.
There are no sides.
Shit, I just looked at her tits.
- Frank! Don't tell her that.
- Okay, don't panic.
A passing glance is not sexual harassment.
Oh.
I like your tactic here.
Get them all horny with your titties.
That's when they make their mistakes.
Ma'am, that's victim blaming.
No, I'm blaming Frank.
He's been staring at your boobs this whole time.
Still doing it.
MAC: Frank! What? I'm not allowed to like things anymore? - It's a compliment.
- How is that a compliment? Well, they're not that great.
Make her feel good.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Don't let them get to you.
- Okay Okay? Your tits are fine.
ALAN: Okay, everybody, if, uh, you could take a seat, please.
So now what we're gonna do is, uh, imagine a-a hypothetical scenario, uh, based right here in Philadelphia.
So, uh, i-imagine a-a woman, we'll call her "the waitress," - who works at a local coffee shop.
- (clock ticking) Now, i-in this particular instance, this waitress is being harassed by one of her customers.
He's following her home from work, uh, digging through her trash and calling her repeatedly, until she complains to her boss about it.
Now, the boss does nothing.
Can anyone tell me who's legally at fault here? Ooh.
Wow, what do you think, Charlie? I-I think The Waitress is.
Y-You know, 'cause, for-she doesn't realize that, like, true love is in front of her stupid face.
- Well - Why would she say that's an assault? Hold on a second.
Now, this is just a-this is just a hypothetical, uh, scenario that he's painting.
He's not getting the whole big picture, right? - Well, of course, it's a hypothetical.
- I know, but maybe she, like, only thought like she wasn't into him, but then, like, 15 years later, when she needed a baby, like, really bad, and she'd been in and out of, like, - a women's shelter, he banged her.
- ALAN: Sorry.
That-that doesn't mean that the customer didn't harass.
All right, well then, I think all of the customers' friends harassed her, too, because they all banged her.
- I mean, he did.
- That's true.
Oh, well, don't bring me into th This is a hypothetical scenario.
I'm not involved.
- Neither are you.
- She also did hand stuff to Mac.
She did.
I-It wasn't very good, though.
All right, look, are you trying to tell me that no matter what, it's always just gonna be the customer's fault? It is, in fact, the boss's fault.
The boss.
Well, that makes sense.
I always hated Seth.
- He's a real creep.
- Well, you don't know his name because this is hypothetical, and he didn't say t-that Well, it doesn't matter anyway, 'cause she just said what I-what I did to her wasn't harassment because Seth did it to her.
Sorry.
I Can I just make this very clear? Okay? What the customer did was harassment.
- Right.
- Yes.
If it were you.
And so, take in the information, but don't take it personally.
Uh, yeah, technically, don't, like, I get, like, a free pass and stuff, 'cause I mean, I was molested.
- (audience murmuring) - Ah W-Well, now, actually, that is true.
He did get molested by his uncle Jack.
His-his uncle Jack got to him pretty good.
- No, Uncle Jack never molested me.
- Oh.
- I dodged him.
- Oh, no, he got you.
He got you.
- He got you big time.
- You weren't there.
- You wrote a whole play about it.
- Yeah, you did write a play.
- I got molested by Dee.
- What? What? Oh, c-that's ludicrous.
No, it's true.
Like, a couple years ago, she banged me, and I didn't want to do it.
- There you go.
- Wait, wait.
You had sex with Charlie? - Oh, God.
- You had sex with Dee? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
We, okay, it was a mistake.
- Yeah, I'll say.
- I-It I regret every second of it, - but it was consensual.
- It was not! I totally wanted her to stop, and, like, I was very intimidated by her larger frame.
- Oh, yeah, I can see that.
Yeah.
- So, you know.
I have a petite frame.
I i-it's a Thumbelina frame.
- I don't Not to me.
- Y-You didn't tell me to stop.
Yeah, and I kept saying (muffled protests) And you're like, "Shut up! Stop talking! Be still.
"Let me do my thing.
I can't, I can't get off with you moving and talking and shit.
" Oh, shit.
Yup.
That's ringing a bell.
- Jesus, Dee.
Ugh, God.
- All right, but yeah.
(stammers) Either way, It does I can't molest you, you know? It doesn't work that way 'cause I'm a woman and you're the man.
Right, right? Back me up, girlfriend.
Actually, a woman can sexually harass and even rape a man.
Is that what happened here? - (bell dings, clock ticking) - Actually, maybe.
No, no, no, no.
You don't, you don't just throw around the-the "R" word, Kate.
It's hot, right? FRANK: Yello? What? Then find her through the abortion records.
Can the group from Paddy's Pub please focus up.
You guys have been very disruptive.
Well, maybe you should explain it more better because I'm totally confused about Maybe if you stopped interrupting.
Maybe if you two stopped sucking a fat dick.
- You do suck a fat dick.
- You've sucked a dick through this process.
What? Are you kidding me? After all of this, I ended up firing her? (all groaning) Oh, my God.
Hey, Larry? How soon can you get to the Hyatt? My dong fell out.
Some woman saw it.
Well, goddamn it.
DENNIS: All right, calm down, calm down.
Everybody take it easy, everybody take a deep breath.
You know, we're gonna get through this.
I think, look, Kate, you two are clearly a little in over your heads here.
Right? Yeah.
You're never gonna be able to rein in this particular group, so I tell you what.
I have some experience running, uh, little educational seminars like this, so why don't I take over for a little bit.
You guys, scoot.
All right? On your bikes.
- Here's a statistic for you: - 100% of men are capable of being sexual harassers.
And 100% of women are capable of being sexually harassed.
Now, am I saying that all men are sexual harassers? No, no, no, no.
No, no.
Of course not.
No.
Absolutely not.
No.
Yes, some men are, uh, well, they're-they're sexual harassers, but they don't represent all men, you know, just like all women aren't represented by a few bad ones, you know.
Women like, uh (dramatic music plays) You know, and of course And then we got Point is, that gender really doesn't have anything to do with it.
There's really only one thing that determines whether a person will be accused of sexual harassment, and that is ugliness.
- (all gasping) - Let me explain.
Now, see, here's a, here's a graph of ugliness as it relates to time.
Now you see how the, how the arrow plunges pretty steeply downward as your ugliness increases.
Now I want you to imagine a scenario for me where this man walks into work one day, sees a woman, and says, "I like your dress.
" Oh.
Mildly sexual, but innocuous enough, yeah.
Now imagine the same sentence spoken by this man.
- (groans, gasps) - Yeah.
Suddenly, you're very uncomfortable.
We're all uncomfortable just looking at him now.
Because he's gross, he's ugly, he's a little bit of a monster.
Now is it this man's fault that he looks this way? No.
He was, he was born this way, but the point is, I know it's not my fault, you know.
Is it your fault? I don't think so.
It's certainly not the woman's fault, you know? The point is, know your place, monster man.
Your time's up.
(bell dings) Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "How do I know if I'm ugly? Well, if you're not sure, probably best to assume that you are.
Everyone in this room is.
I-I did a scan.
Now here's the part where you say, "But, Dennis, I can't be ugly, I'm rich.
" And, yes, money can offset and reduce ugliness, but it actually increases your risk.
You see, a construction worker, he can can catcall women all day long, right? And he gets away with it 'cause nobody gives a shit, but a rich guy - A rich guy's fun to take down.
- (clock ticking) Time's up.
- (bell dings) - "But, Dennis," you're saying, "I can't be ugly, and-and it doesn't matter because I'm gay.
" - (chuckles) - Well, guess what, pal? You-you are ugly, and it doesn't matter how much you work out.
It's never gonna change that fact.
You've also objectified tons of men, including me.
You know, you got to stop kissing me, man.
I don't want it.
I don't want you touching me at all.
Okay, it's never gonna happen.
All right? Not willingly.
Your time's up.
(bell dings) "But, Dennis, I can't be ugly.
I'm a hopeless romantic.
" - (clock ticking) - But no, you're-you're not.
Okay, you're-you're a sad, pathetic wretch of a man, so desperate to be loved that you'll actually go rifling through somebody's garbage.
(chuckles): And there's nothing nothing more unattractive than desperation.
To No, not him.
No, talking about you.
No.
Not him, either.
Yeah, I am talking about you.
You know what, never mind.
Your time's up.
- (bell dings) - "But Dennis "I-I see, I can't be ugly, all right? I'm a woman.
" - (clock ticking) - Well, no, women can be ugly, and you are one of them.
One of the ugly ones.
You're lanky, and your hair's well, it looks like a wig.
Yeah.
What's going on? Is it a wig? Doesn't matter.
Your time's up.
- (bell dings) - But guys, I got some good news for you.
Okay? It's not a crime to be ugly.
But you can't be ugly and sloppy.
So, take me, for example.
I'm neither.
Yeah, you see that? That is 11% body fat.
Now, the only place you're gonna - What year was that photo taken? - No, no, no.
Not taking questions right now, Mac.
So just Yeah.
Point is, I keep my body tight.
But I also keep my life tight.
I got the tapes.
I got the receipts.
They're all time-stamped and coded.
After every encounter, I received a text confirming each partner's consent and enjoyment.
Now, you may ask, "Well would a woman really-really text that, Dennis?" Their phones did.
- - I got the documents to prove it, so don't try coming at me.
But some of you you just haven't been careful enough.
So you're asking yourself, "What can I do to save myself now?" You got to clean up your act.
Otherwise, you're going down, and you're gonna take me down with you, and I ain't going down.
You understand? I've been telling you this for years, but you refused to listen.
And so that's why I had to find a way to make you listen, which is why I created the Shitty Bar List.
- (crowd murmuring) - What? That's right.
I made the spreadsheet, I posted it online, and I even hired these two bozos to host the seminar.
Wait, you hired us? You're a monster.
- (clock ticking) - Oh, yeah? Prove it.
(bell dings) Oh, wow! I feel like we should clap.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That was pretty good.
- That was awesome.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be honest, I didn't follow most of it, - but so cool, man.
- Yeah.
Pretty drastic move to publicly expose us, but I see why you did it.
Yeah, but it's true.
I mean, women are out to get us.
Well, well, no, no.
Women are right.
I mean, men are monsters.
We're constantly harassing them.
I'm just saying we need to be more careful so we don't get accused.
And we should probably stop harassing them.
Uh, well, you know, I don't know.
One step at a time.
We don't want the whole system to collapse, - you know what I mean? - Ease-ease into it.
- It'd be chaotic.
Yeah, yeah.
- Ease into it.
Yeah, yeah.
You guys want to go grab some margaritas - by the pool? - DEE: Oh.
- I do.
- Booze.
- I'm ready for some booze.
- DEE: Oh, yeah.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
- Me, too.
- Oh! - (all laugh) - Oh, "MeToo.
" - Very good.
- That's great.
- Very good, and for a woman, a good joke.
Hey, you guys think that Alan guy's got a big dick? - DENNIS: Oh, yeah.
- Huge.
I saw it in the bathroom.
I sought it out.
(trio chanting backwards)