Archer s13e05 Episode Script

No.
I don't want any,
and/or I didn't do it.
Damn it, Edith.
I'll stop throwing trash
off my balcony
when the co-op
installs a garbage chute
per my written request.
Hey, Archer. I'm here!
And here is
where you're supposed to be?
Wait, did you
forget you invited me over?
I remember not doing that.
Probably because
you've been making
a lot of drunk promises lately
and empty threats.
Suggest that again,
and I will literally kill you.
Okay, well, last night,
you invited me over
for a brunchy hang.
One, that's a phrase
I would never use,
like "shoot to wound,"
and two
- you're already inside.
- Yeah.
The green eggs and Pam
are getting cold.
The Pam is ham.
Cyril? To what do I owe
this opposite of pleasure?
Hey, Archer,
I'm here for the
The brunchy hang,
which is what we're doing.
That I don't remember
suggesting?
- Yeah.
- And even at my most drunk,
- wouldn't invite Cyril to?
- Yup.
And here's everyone else
you invited!
Hey, big guy.
- Let me guess brunchy hang?
- Oh, God, no.
We're here
for the intervention.
- Oh, yeah! It's also that.
- God damn it, Pam.
Who wants some cheesy grits?
- Ah!
- So
Wait, wait, wait.
There's still juice in here.
Now, what's this
about an intervention?
It's not for your drinking.
Good, because if anything,
I'm getting better at that.
It's an intervention for
whatever's causing your drinking.
- Thirst?
- But under that.
- Boredom?
- But under that.
Irritation
with your gentle tone?
Enough holding his damn hand!
Archer, ever since Malory left,
you treat us like shit,
you spy like shit,
and you're gonna
get us all killed.
Please, I spy great.
Just last week,
I took down a drug kingpin.
Yeah, that is not what happened.
- That's for giving drugs to kids!
- Next.
We don't know
what's in those inhalers.
We know two kids
had asthma attacks.
Well, I for one, think this
intervention is unnecessary.
Thank you, Krieger.
I mean,
why convince a man to change
when I can cut out the chunk
of brain causing the problem
and replace it with nanobots
that I control?
Can you cut out
the part of five brains
that are clearly jealous
of my skills?
- Happy to try.
- You think we're jealous?
- We're worried.
- And frustrated.
And would it have killed you
to visit me in the hospital?
'Cause that snakebite
you caused almost killed me.
I'm pretty sure
that was a tapir's fault.
You found it.
Don't blame the tapir.
Enough. There's a way
these things are supposed to go.
Archer, I made a list of the ways
in which your behavior
has hurt me.
I've had to cover for you
on missions,
lie for you at the office,
olive oil, carrots
toe cream?
Did you get bored and start
making a grocery list?
Cheryl usually proofreads
my speeches.
Are we gonna try to get her
to come back, by the way?
- One crisis at a time, Pam.
- Then go handle that crisis.
- I am fine.
- Not until you agree
- to see a therapist.
- Uh, agreed,
- because I already do.
- What? Since when?
Ever since Mother retired.
I was a wreck.
I needed help.
I got help.
Oh, what happens now?
Do we still tie him to a chair?
That's the main reason I came.
If you're seeing a therapist
hmm, how do I phrase this
positively?
Why are you still
such an ass on an ass?
Well, Dr. Lacania says
the process of unpacking
my traumas can be destabilizing
before I see improvement.
Plus, we're dealing with a lot:
impulse control,
abandonment issues, PTSD
self-medicating.
Holy shitsnacks.
Archer's in therapy.
Brain chunks, snip-snip,
think about it.
No one even tried
my potato salad.
It's a secret family recipe.
- Is the secret way too much dill?
- No! Yes.
Archer, I am so proud of you.
It's been a tough year,
but knowing
you're putting in the work,
- it means a lot.
- I'll log your therapist with IIA.
Having it on record should help
if there's any blowback.
What's her name again?
- Dr. Lacania.
- Jesus!
As far as you're
concerned, yes.
Why are you on my screen?
Wait, can you see
what was on my screen before?
'Cause I just sat down.
I don't know
how all these tabs are open.
I have thousands of employees.
Tapping into their screens
saves time
and helps me avoid
smelling you in person.
Your loss.
I saw your report
that Agent Archer
is seeing a therapist.
Let me guess,
IIA doesn't approve of therapy.
Quite the contrary.
Mental health is as essential
- as physical health.
- Oh, sweet.
That said,
Agent Archer's therapist
will be immediately executed
by IIA assassins.
- What? Why?
- She's out of network.
It poses a security risk
and puts an unfair burden
on the IIA health plan.
You read the health plan,
didn't you?
I skimmed it.
I'm afraid
it's out of my hands.
Better luck next therapist, eh?
Oh.
How much of that did you hear?
IIA's gonna kill my therapist?!
Okay, good,
you heard the main part.
Not to repeat myself,
- but God damn it, Pam!
- I'm sorry!
How was I supposed
to know the IIA
kills out-of-network therapists?
Yeah, those co-pays are murder.
Sorry, I'd wiggle my eyebrows,
but my forehead's still
paralyzed from spider venom.
Wait, is it just therapists?
What about dentists?
Dr. Beck is the only man I trust
to handle my porous teeth.
That's where I come in,
and haven't we all wondered,
"Why do we have teeth
only in our mouths?"
Oh, yeah. Looks like you and your
crumbly teeth are out of luck.
Who cares?
Cyril can get new teeth.
I can't spend a year explaining
my thrilling yet complicated
backstory to a new therapist.
And you won't have to, because
we'll help you save her.
Is that a royal "we"?
Because this is not
part of my job, okay?
I keep my head down,
and I put in the work.
But it is your job
to work with me,
which will be even more
impossible if my therapist dies.
What would that
even look like?
- We're on a clock here, people!
- Fine, I'll help you to help me.
Dr. Lacania would call that
a transactional relationship.
It's not great, but it's a start
And it won't be enough.
Jesus, Max Headroom.
I'm working. I'm working.
I just came in here
for this grenade.
- Uh, my lucky grenade.
- Fabian, call off the hit.
It's out of my hands, Archer.
The assassination order
already went out.
Your therapist is as good as
You know,
some of us do work on those.
- Nerd.
- Fabian's wrong.
- We'll save her.
- Will we?
Every time we go up
against IIA, we lose.
- They're always one step ahead.
- Which means we need
to stay one step ahead
of that step.
- Krieger, what do ya got?
- Ooh, my first idea
would be to breed
a half human, half dolphin.
- Next idea.
- Aw.
Well, I can hijack the connection
Fabian uses
to tap into our monitors,
allowing us to monitor
all IIA body cameras
and know exactly
where their assassins are.
But I'd need eyes on all
the monitors living eyes.
I mean, obviously,
I've got jars of eyes.
Ray, Cyril, help Krieger.
- Fine by me.
- Now, listen.
This is our most important
mission ever.
We're not just saving
my therapist.
We're saving my mental health
and, by extension, the world.
Let's add delusions of grandeur
to your list of issues.
Said the man who needs
therapy more than any of us.
I need therapy?
Me?
Oh, that's rich.
You know who needs the therapy?
The guy who says
someone else needs therapy,
which I guess he's getting.
Try it now.
- Damn it, Krieger.
- In my defense, I knew that would happen.
Behold, every camera
in the IIA network.
I call it Spy Wall.
Lot of toilet cams
on Spy Wall, huh?
I don't place the cameras.
I just hack them.
Hey, either of you
ever try therapy?
- Ew just physical.
- I was born well-adjusted.
The scientists made sure of that.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I don't think I need it.
I mean, I'm not that unhappy
more scared than unhappy.
- I'm more unhappy than scared.
- Right?
Hey, maybe we could
talk about it
not as therapy,
which we don't need
just informal guy talk.
- Well, that takes all the pressure off.
- Hard pass.
If I wanna swap traumas,
I will join a fight club.
Ooh!
Let's do that too.
Shit, they
- already have her.
- Not for long.
Your brain doc is about to see
some brain damage.
Wait, wait, wait.
Dr. Lacania says
always to knock,
even in an emergency.
Hold it right there?
- Sterling.
- She calls you Sterling?
Yes.
She calls me by my name.
And she requires appointments.
We've talked
about respecting boundaries.
Sorry, Dr. Lacania.
I can explain and pay for the door.
Can you guys give us a minute?
Also, you should probably
look for a new therapist.
Wow, she
- Looks like a therapist.
- Wearing clothes and everything.
- And he apologized to her.
- And it wasn't sarcastic.
Guess he's actually trying
to be a better person.
Ray, how we lookin'?
Um,
multiple hostiles incoming
- technically already there.
- Jesus, Ray!
- Thanks for the warning!
- I'm doing my best!
- There's a ton of monitors!
- And a lot of feelings.
Heads up.
They don't look like new patients.
And you'll keep going
to therapy, young lady,
until you stop having
sex dreams about
Grave Digger the monster truck.
- They're over here.
- We gotta go!
Jesus Christ, Archer.
Um, this is why
you have to knock.
I knew you weren't in therapy.
It is always
about sex with you.
- What? This isn't sex.
- She's lying on top of you.
Because she fainted
when I told her
about the assassins,
and I had to catch her.
Believe me, if I was
having sex, you would know.
Please.
You're obviously into her.
- Inaccurate phrasing.
- But also true.
- Wait, what?
- The infamous Lana,
- I presume?
- Infamous?
You come up a lot.
It's mostly bad.
In our first session, Sterling
admitted his attraction to me.
We discussed it
and decided working through it
would be a good exercise
in establishing boundaries.
And having vivid sex dreams.
Vivid.
- Probably time to go.
- Right. We need a new exit.
No, you want a new exit.
You need to respect
my personal journey.
I can't respect you
if we're dead.
How convenient for you!
See what I deal with?
I have a suggestion.
My office used to be
part of a larger suite.
We remodeled but kept the door.
Damn, you're good in a crisis, Doc.
My patients are always in crisis.
Ray, are we clear?
Ray?
Ray!
But where does
the fear come from?
Well, when I was a child,
- my father trained show dogs.
- Cyril, shut up!
- Lana, you've got incoming.
- Yeah, I know.
We dodged them.
Keep up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Then these assassins
must be outside a different door.
Well, they're in the right
office to get new teeth.
As long as they're in-network.
Fascinating.
You focus on the mundane
to avoid contemplating
the barbaric nature
- of your work.
- Oh, my God.
We don't have time for this.
My apartment's a few blocks away.
- We can crash there.
- Wouldn't it be better to go to a safe house?
Well, my place isn't exactly
an official legal residence
or zoned for human habitation,
- so it pretty much doesn't exist.
- That sounds good to me.
Plus, I definitely wanna see
Pam's place.
That's gotta be a shit show.
I guess
Krieger's cameras
will let us know
if they're on to us.
Ray, I need a safe route to Pam's.
Well, I need legs made of meat,
but life's not fair.
All right, you're gonna take
your first left.
I'm sorry.
Don't take that.
- Take your second left.
- All I do is work
office lab, home lab,
sea lab,
where the only law is science.
Well, at least
you have a passion.
I live in constant fear that
someone will ask me to do my job.
But is it really a passion
if it's also work?
I mean, where's the "me" time?
Will you two shut up? My God!
"I'm sad."
"I love being
a mad scientist too much."
Try walking in my shoes.
Spoiler: I have to buy new ones
every three weeks,
because shoes
aren't made for metal feet!
And I've offered you tank
treads, like, a billion times.
I had the worst childhood
and adulthood imaginable,
and you don't see me
crying about it,
because I got it under control,
- unless I see a porcupine.
- Why a porcupine?
Who are you,
the therapist I don't need?
Whoa, wow,
a Brough Superior SS100?
This is what killed
Lawrence of Arabia.
This is your apartment?
Yeah, pretty sweet, huh?
I used to come to raves here.
Then one morning,
I woke up on the floor
with an empty bank account
and a deed scrawled on a napkin.
Best decision
I didn't know I was making.
Pam, you might be the first completely
psychologically healthy
person I've ever met.
Yeah, but some of us
are pretty close, right?
Uh-huh.
Do you think
it's psychologically healthy
- to fish for compliments?
- Lana doesn't like therapy.
Hey, I never said that.
I just don't love the idea
of a person who knows
everything about you
and can use that information
against you
not that I have trust issues.
Pam, why do you have underpants
with the Swiss flag on them?
Swiss?
Those aren't Swiss.
Those are, uh
they're from the Red Cross.
They're defective.
Anyway, misafe house
es tusafe house.
I'm gonna check the back door.
And I'm gonna ride like Lawrence
but without the dying part.
So you heard a lot about me, huh?
- I can't discuss that.
- Right, right.
It's just, you only heard
Archer's side of things,
and sure, we've had our issues,
but he has issues with everyone.
So I think it's unfair
to focus on me
and not Pam,
who is a total enabler,
or Krieger,
who's a drug designer,
or Cheryl she's the craziest
one in the entire group.
So whatever problem Archer has,
it is probably because of her
and not me.
- I'm not taking on new patients.
- Whoo-hoo!
I'm sorry.
Just stay in there.
And just so you know, I organized
an intervention to help Archer.
Without a psychologist present?
Well, no, but with friends present.
It helped!
You weren't there.
I know what you're thinking:
"Oh, Lana, you dumped him,
had a kid with his sperm
but didn't tell him."
But you only know his side.
What did he even say?
Okay, I know you can't tell me.
So say nothing if it's bad.
Oh, damn it!
I knew it was bad!
Fascinating.
You're paying for the things
I break with your body!
Since we're done with therapy,
could you skip to the end
and just say what my problem is?
Sterling, you know
that's not how this works.
Therapy is a lifelong journey
to self-discovery.
- But it's my mother, right?
- Yes, and I'm sorry
we won't have more time
to work on it.
What is that?
Shit, is that a tracker?
Because that would mean
Safe house isn't safe.
Oh.
These are vintage, you bastards!
Damn it. Why didn't you guys
see this coming?
Ray! Ray!
I get it now.
I see every mission
as an opportunity
to disappoint my father,
- even though he's gone.
- And I need to finally
make time for my
prog-rock puppet musical.
And you did it without therapy.
And we did it
with something better:
- informal guy talk.
- Which is like therapy
but with fewer credentials
and a completely random
success rate.
All right.
- Oopsie daisy.
- Wait, what?
There, I think we lost 'em.
- You thought that at Pam's.
- I'm not omniscient, Lana.
Textbook parasitic symbiosis.
Oh, will you turn it off?
Damn it.
They found us.
Why would
they ring the doorbell?
Obviously to confuse us.
Who's there?
Don't shoot!
- It's us!
- I stand by my choice.
Of course you do.
Where the hell
have you guys been?
And why do you look
like you've been crying?
- Um, IIA cut our feed.
- Yeah, and that made us very sad.
- And I'm more than a scientist!
- Everyone, shut up.
We need to get Dr. Lacania
out of the city.
And put her on a train.
It's public, crowded,
and has multiple entries.
I'm not sure
they'll let me on the train
covered in this much blood.
Yeah, blood's
more of a subway thing.
Archer, are there
any women's clothes here?
Just abandoned bras, but they're
covered in whipped cream and gunpowder.
The only full outfit
I have belonged to
Damn, you are
wearing that dress, girl!
Stop. This is already a
very confusing moment for me.
Why, because
your forbidden crush
is wearing the dress
of the mother who kept you
in a state of childlike emotional
dependence your whole life?
Oof, it is a bit tight in the chest.
- Yeah, it is.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, Archer has a forbidden crush?
How naughty.
Did everyone hear me say
I'm not just a scientist?
Enough!
We need to go.
Hang on.
They know what she looks like.
- They'll catch us right away.
- Well, we're out of time, Lana.
- So unless you have an idea
- Oh, I have an idea,
and yeah, you might think
it's stupid,
- but I believe in it.
- And we believe in you.
If we survive,
we should check the war room
- for gas leaks.
- To the sewing machine!
Whoo-hoo!
Well, sewing needles remind
me of porcupines, but sure.
Sorry for this, Dr. Lacania,
- but I promise we'll get you out.
- I know you will,
and when you do,
I want you to come with me,
because
I love you, Sterling Archer.
Meep.
You ready for this?
Are you ready to come with me?
- Dr. Lacania
- Please, call me Malory.
Ugh, no.
Wh-why?
Well, that's my name,
Malory Lacania.
- What an unfortunate coincidence.
- Not if you forget your past.
I have seen how you've grown,
what you're capable of,
and now I've seen how
these people hold you back.
I need to think about it.
Think fast, Sterling.
The train's leaving.
I have eyes on the target.
Taking the shot in three, two
Wait, I have two targets,
two targets no, three.
Four!
Original target is lost.
- Repeat, original target is lost.
- Let's do this.
I can't believe this is working.
I can't believe Cyril sewed
five dress suits in an hour.
Before I turned to espionage,
I was a tailor's apprentice.
- Is it too late to turn back?
- Oh, my God.
Shit, Ray, are you made?
I'm just a little boy
telling my dog she'll be okay.
Just hold on, Ginger Rogers!
Okay.
What the hell is that?
The sound I've been looking for.
You guys wanna be
in a prog-rock puppet musical?
Focus.
We're almost there.
- And it's almost time to decide.
- I know. There's literally
a giant ticking clock on the wall.
Oh, hell, screw it.
Tranq them all.
Looks like the needle
is mightier than the sword.
Not, like, drug needle
sewing needle.
Cyril?
Cyril? Does anyone
have eyes on Cyril?
Oh, shit.
Damn it.
I should've
gone to therapy.
Come on!
Cyril?
Man, you know how to fill out
a dress in all the wrong ways.
The doctor comes with me.
- End of the line, Sterling.
- My mother called me Sterling.
And you're not my mother!
No!
Oh!
Was that a breakthrough?
That felt like a breakthrough.
- It was gruesome.
- Breakthroughs can be gruesome.
- Well, we made it.
- And got a new umbrella.
- Deflection.
- Yeah, of darts and your question.
- I know. It's just, leaving
- Would improve your life forever.
- Sure, maybe, but also
- You need me like oxygen?
Mm, not what I was
gonna say, but
Oh, Sterling, listen.
This life is damaging you
a vicious cycle of violence
leading to anger,
leading to more violence.
We can start a new life,
running a little bakery
on the banks of the Rhine
that specializes in Dampfnudel.
You can bring things
into the world
- instead of taking them out.
- Or we could live in Norway
and give boat tours on the fjords.
No, no, no,
just the Rhine bakery,
because that is the best one.
It sounds so compelling
when you say it
in that voice.
Okay, yes. I'll go.
Hang on.
So I'm leaving,
definitely on this train,
- possibly forever.
- Wait, you're leaving
- with her?
- What do you care,
Ms. "I'm Only Here
To Do My Job?"
- Uh, Mrs.
- Sort of.
And what I care about
is how this would break
your mother's heart.
This agency is her legacy.
Well, maybe I've done
enough living for my mother.
That is actually healthy.
You're right. She's gone.
But the rest of us are still here.
- Except Cheryl.
- And I know we're not perfect,
but we're your family
us, me, your daughter.
Stay with us, because
if you think running away
is the solution, I promise you,
you'll never stop running.
Could've had something there.
- You have something here.
- Yeah, an erection.
- What?!
- I was gonna have train sex.
Now what am I supposed
to do with this, Lana?
- You'll figure it out.
- Like hell I will.
- This is someone else's problem.
- Okay, Archer.
Ideally, two someones.
Okay, Archer!