Celebrity Juice (2008) s13e05 Episode Script

Gino D'Acampo, Vernon Kay, Jessica Wright, Steve-O, Chris Ramsey

1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, and these are my titles.
Plush or what? There's Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got dem bangers.
There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful, that nearly went inside me! And there's Gino D'Campo with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven, but don't worry, we are not dead.
It's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice.
On telly.
HD Ready.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Yeaaaah! Huraaahhhh! Hello, my name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it is Fearne Cotton.
(APPLAUSE) Hi.
Fearne, who is on your team? On my left I have my favourite Geordie, Chris Ramsey.
(APPLAUSE) And on my right, and favourite American, the legendary Steve O.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Steve O, Steve O, Steve O.
Next up, for one week only, as a captain, it is Gino D'Acampo.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino.
Thank you.
OK, Captain Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
Yeah! That's the one.
Who is in your team? On my right, a man who likes to shag daily.
Literally.
It's Vernon Kay.
(CHEERING) On my left, would I like her to be one of my seamen? Yes.
It is Jessica font colo Gino, I know I joke with you and stuff that I can't tell what you're saying, but honestly, I couldn't tell a fucking word you said.
How many people on the show do you understand? He thinks you are Indian! I can understand pretty well, I just don't know what's going on.
You are captain this week, how does it feel to be Gino Sheffield D'Acampo now? Yes, it has been a week since my change of name.
It has been good.
A lot of people think I am crazy.
If you did not see last week's show, Gino changed his name by deed poll to Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
He didn't have a middle name, so we have given him one.
You become a local hero in Sheffield? Not yet.
We set the camera to Sheffield to see what the locals thought of you changing your name.
This is what they said.
Do you know who this is? No.
I've no idea.
No.
No idea.
He's from Strictly Come Dancing.
Sounds like an ice cream.
(APPLAUSE) Hey, not in El Divo and he does crazy shit, it's Steve O! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Steve O, Steve O, Steve O.
I've got a list of things here that you have done.
It says you have been stung IN the arse by a scorpion? Yeah.
You set your face on fire.
Right.
Electrocuted your balls.
U You sound very accident prone to me.
(LAUGHTER) Mr Bean with an edge.
One day my mate said, "Have you seen Jackass?" Years ago.
I said I had not seen it.
He said that I should watch it and he'd taped a few.
We watched about three series back-to-back like that Laughing, obviously.
Afterwards I felt like I should set my balls on fire and stuff.
What you think is the worst thing you have ever done? The time when I kissed my buddy on the dick.
(LAUGHTER) Why did I do that?! You gave your buddy a blosser? No, it was just a kiss.
Was it (PECKS) Yeah, just on the tip.
Yeah (LAUGHTER) Steve O, have you still got that tattoo that you had done when you were on the back of the truck? I do, yes.
That's probably the funniest thing ever seen.
/f Yeah, right here.
Yeah.
That was done on the back of a truck Yeah.
(LAUGHS) For me there is that, and then when you and the guys went swimming in a sewage farm.
That was pretty gross.
There was one of the most dangerous things ever because it turns out there were huge blades going around.
Chopping up the poo? Yeah! Like a big lovely smoothie maker.
(LAUGHTER) He's a proper fan, isn't he? I am a big fan, I adore him.
I appreciate that, man.
And I think you are attractive.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you, Steve O.
Talking of attractive, what is the dealio with you and Stacey Solobind? I think it is lovely.
You met on The Jump.
That's right.
Did your relationship go downhill from there? (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Whooo.
The sexiest rodent on telly.
Oh, come on! You've met the family, haven't you? I have.
I think we've got a picture of you with the family.
(LAUGHTER) How did you meet? I want to know how you met.
On The Jump.
Oh, of course, yeah.
I said, wasn't you listening? (LAUGHTER) What are you doing now? Are you retired from burning your balls and stuff? No, I still do a lot of really dumb stuff.
I do.
So what's next? I am planning a UK tour which is going to be great at the end of this year.
You have done a lot of crazy shit, in homage to you and your fellow jackarses-es-es, me and Gino Sheffield D'Acampo have been filming ourselves this week.
We have done our own version, it's called Prankass.
I'm ready.
Run VT - it stands for videotape.
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to Prankass.
This is bag dumping.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) What are you doing? (LAUGHS) Why are you shitting in my bag? Yeah, Prankass! I shat in your bag! Why would you shit in my bag? I did a poo in your bag, Prankass! Hi, this is Prankass.
I'm Gino Sheffield D'Acampo, and I'm gonna play a game called Spoon Dick.
It's quite simple - I'm gonna hit my dick with this spoon.
OK.
Ready? (LAUGHTER) Prankass! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Whip my dick.
Just been told that I have got to say that me and Gino are friends in real life and you shouldn't emulate anything we've done.
I didn't really poo in his bag.
I would never poo into your bag.
I would! (LAUGHTER) I tell you what, let's talk to my favourite streaky sexy piece of piss, Vernon Kay! (APPLAUSE) It's like being back in school.
You've got a new show called 1,000 Heartbeats? Yeah, on ITV.
Has it got Nick Berry in it? Basically, you have got seven questions and 1,000 beats of your own heart to win 25 grand.
They monitor their heart while you ask questions? The contestants are hooked up to a heart rate monitor.
They have 1,000 beats of their own heart to answer seven questions.
So the idea of the show is that you want them to shit their pants? Yeah.
Everyone calls you Vernon, but what is your real name? Vernon.
Not your stage name, your real name? No, it is Vernon.
Vernon? Yeah.
Is your real name? Point for your team if you can name me another famous Vernon.
Vernon Troyer.
No, he's called Vern.
You're Vernon, Ver-non.
The more we say it, I can't believe that's a real name.
(LAUGHTER) It's not a real name.
Vernon, you motherfucker, what's your real name? # Hey She's all right She can cuddle me in shite It's Jess Wright (APPLAUSE) Jess Wright from TOWIE.
Drop me out.
Reem.
Reem.
Reem.
Reem.
Keith, don't get lemon.
Speaking of reem, didn't you once have a romantic entanglement with the king of reem, Joey Essex? No.
Yeah, you did, we've got a picture.
Oh, what is going on there, then? Are you just blowing into his mouth? Using him as a whistle? (LAUGHTER) That was about five years ago, it was a really random kiss.
Let's not even talk about that.
What next? Did you pick him up from nursery five years ago? (LAUGHTER) Killed me.
Did you have a little thing with him? No, nothing at all.
Just the tip.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Congratulations is in order because you are the new face of Ann Summers.
I am.
Congratulations.
(CHEERING) You designed them? Yeah.
Jesus Christ, look at the way she gets out of a pool.
(LAUGHTER) Jess, as a favour for me, can you look down camera one and just smile? No.
Go on.
No.
You can smile.
Like your brother, Mark.
When he smiles it goes fucking all to pot.
Your brother is a good-looking fella, and then he smiles.
(LAUGHTER) It is time for a VT round.
You know that stands for? Video something? Videotape.
Run VT.
I went on a cruise recently and went with some of my favourite celebrity mates.
Suddenly we went to a Bermuda Triangle vortex.
Everyone turned into kids.
I was all right, I was in a lead lined toilet.
I found myself stranded with a load of mini celebrities.
Welcome to - Welcome to the juice carton challenge.
I am joined by Kanye West.
Eminem.
Fearne Cotton.
I am also joined by Tom Cruise.
Always pulling his fingers.
These guys have been having a rapping battle.
Shall I drop a beat? Stop there.
# As for the warrior # this is for you and I # Even stability is never in your favour # it is never in your favour because you are sucker # Loser # I don't know what to say for you # # You look like a straw who is four # Snatch and press the juice cartons.
If you drop the juice carton you will be out.
It is as simple as that.
Back to the studio for you to decide who will win the challenge.
Word.
What is your favourite word, Fearne? Death.
Who do you think wins? Pick two.
Well we should go with me? Who do you think? Eminem has got attitude.
Let's go with him and me.
Gino's team.
I think Kanye.
He had some junk in his trunk, he was confident.
Eminem.
Kanye.
Let's have a look.
Welcome back to the juice carton challenge.
I will start with six.
Hold it up for five seconds.
Are you ready? (WHISTLE) Well done.
We are going for ten cartons.
Excuse me, I am a gender crisis.
Eminem cannot pick them up.
Tom Cruise and him are out.
How do you feel? Speechless.
I am good at films.
This is serious, we are down to 11 juice cartons.
Whoever holds them for the longest time is the winner.
(KLAXON) He has got it, look.
(SCREAMS) I told you! How do you feel? One word, loser! Back to the studio.
(CHEERING) That is a point for Fearne Cotton's team.
The scores are sha-ting! It is time for a poo, I will see you in two.
Coming up - (AUDIENCE GROAN) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Gino, what is the strangest thing you've shoved up your arse? Hm (LAUGHS) In Italy, when we have the flu, or something like that, we use a 'suppostry'.
A what? A 'suppostry'.
'Suppostries'? Yes.
Yes.
'Suppostries.
' Cos you've shoved stuff up your bum, haven't you? That's right, yeah.
You stuck a firework up your bum.
Yeah.
I shove shit up my ass for a living.
Steve-O, you have done some crazy shit.
Some of this shit, I've thought bullshit.
No way has he done that.
So we've come up with a game called I'm gonna tell you some crazy antics that Steve-O may or may not have done and you have to tell me 'Steve-O' or 'Steve-No'.
So you can't help your teammates, I've got some blinkers.
Oh, right.
You're not part of this game, Steve-O, I'm afraid.
So if you just pop them on.
There.
Right, right.
Only look forward.
Fearne, you're up first.
Yeah.
Has Steve-O ever shoved a Golden Globe up his arse? Let's think of the shape of a Golden Globe.
Which end?/fon Was it the bottom or the globe end? I'll check.
Painful.
There is a draught coming from there.
This has to be a Steve-No.
That is correct.
But he has shoved an Oscar up his arse.
And we've got a clip.
Here it is! And the Oscar goes right up my butt.
Just the tip! Just the tip! Gino's team.
Has Steve-O ever put a fish hook through his mouth and jumped into a sea full of sharks? Oh Oh, definitely.
I would so imagine that's true.
That is correct.
He was once pulled along by a fishing rod and used as live bait.
Fearne's team.
Has Steve-O ever worn a jellyfish as a sombrero? I'm sure that's happened at some point.
So then you can get your mates to piss on you afterwards for the pain.
Steve-O, Steve-O! Steve-O.
Yes! Oh, there's a picture.
Oh, Jesus Christ! Gino's team.
Has Steve-O ever eaten a baguette from Madonna's arse? We all know Madonna was in the news this week for snogging Drake.
Oh, I loved that.
It looked like he didn't enjoy it.
I don't know why, cos she's Madonna, Like a Virgin and all that.
But he was more shocked that Madonna had just snogged him.
But your shocked face If Madonna was snoggin you, you'd go, 'Oh, wow!' You wouldn't go (GAGS) She did it and then she, sort of, was like, 'Yeah.
' And she did a mic drop thing and strutted off.
As she struts off, he's just going (GAGS) It was so amazing.
So, has he ever eaten a baguette out of Madonna's arse? Steve-O or Steve-No? No.
I don't think Madonna would allow that.
Steve-O, have you? Not that I can remember.
Well, Steve-O, I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'll give a point to your team if you do indeed eat a baguette from Madonna's arse.
Will you do it? You bet I will, pal.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Madonna! Yeah, I'm all right, Madonna.
Are you all right? I'm a big fan.
Thank you very much.
Cool, cool, cool.
Steve-O.
Steve-O, Madonna.
Ain't she taller in real life when you see her? You're a vegan, aren't you? Well, it's a vegan sandwich.
There's no cruelty to the sandwich.
We're not monsters here at Celebrity Juice.
So, a point for your team if you eat a baguette from Madonna's arse.
All right, let's do it.
Madonna, would you like to get into position? Yeah, cool.
(COMMOTION) (CHEERING) Steve-O, Steve-O, Steve-O! Madonna, everyone! Well done, Steve-O.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ching! I've just been told to say don't try any of these things at home.
Otherwise, you'll be a knobhead.
Vernon.
Yes, Keith.
You'll never guess what.
What? The other week we found June Sarpong.
No way.
We did, we did.
We did.
She's doing good! And you, you used to work with her.
I did when I was Vernon Kay from Bolton! Anyway, we thought we'd track down some other celebrities from the 00s.
This is not funny, it's not funny at all, really.
I'm telling you.
Erm It's really quite hard to say this.
But, remember Daniel Beddingfield? I gotta get through this.
Is dead.
Is he? I don't understand why we are doing this, it is probably a bit sick Daniel Dead-ingfield? RIP.
We're going to play a game called Hello, welcome to I've Gotta Get Through This.
Rest in peace.
# I gotta get through this# I don't think we should keep playing it.
He would want us to dance.
Let's play it then.
# I've gotta get through this # I will tell you the rules of the game.
You will have to get through these carpets, then you have got to get through these venetian blinds.
That is tricky.
I don't know if you have ever done it.
Then you have got to get through the most extreme part, you have got to get through eating a whole cucumber whilst listening to Fearne Cotton's radio show.
(LAUGHTER) I think you'll find that is a show full of quality music and chat.
font color="#ff tell you what, thank fuck you're leaving.
We have to test these games to make sure we don't hurt our celebrity guests.
The last person who tried to listen to a whole show died.
Then you have got to get through the dog flap.
The winner will be the person who gets through first.
You will win the point of your team.
When you hear Daniel Bedingfield, you've gotta get through this.
# I've gotta get through this # (CHEERING) You have got to go through the Venetian blinds! (LAUGHS) Come on, Ramsey! Put the headphones on.
You have got to get through this.
Fern is stepping in, she is helping (LAUGHTER) Look at Jess.
Go, Gino, go.
You have got to get through the dog flap.
Gino! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) You won.
Was that Gino? What the fuck? It was Gino D'Acampo! I had to listen to this shit show.
That is a point for Gino's team.
Any poignant words? We would like to wish you all the condoliences.
All of the w Condoliences.
For the family.
We wish that you will get through this.
Join us after the break.
See you in three.
Coming up - You've got to get through the shower.
It is Drake and Madonna! (APPLAUSE) Hi, welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
I have got a welcoming face.
If you have just tuned in, we learned about the death of Daniel Bedingfield.
We are celebrating his life and his music by playing a game called Gotta Get Through This - this is the extreme version.
These are the scenarios you have to get through.
You will burst through his face.
That sounds weird already.
Then you have to get through the Toyota.
through the windows and then you will go out of the boot or trunk, is that American? And then you will go to the drive-through where Jess Wright is working.
You have got to eat a burger then drink a milkshake.
Will I get brain freeze? Exactly.
Then you have to get through the clingfilm wall.
Breakthrough that to go to the studio.
And then you have to go through an entire row of the audience, they are all eating noodle pots.
Then you go through the shower cubicle, you will light a candle after that in memory of Daniel All of this for one point? You want to get behind Daniel Bedingfield's face? When you hear Daniel Bedingfield, you will get through his face.
# I gotta get through this# Through the windows and through the boot.
Steve O is coming through.
Steve O's arse.
Come on, Vernon.
Now you have to eat the burger through the American helmet.
Eat it, Eat it! It is a race! Come on! The wall is here.
Steve O, The wall is here.
(APPLAUSE) You have got to get through the shower.
It is Drake and Madonna.
Light a candle.
Steve O is the winner! (LAUGHS) The winning point goes to Steve O and Fearne's team.
Daniel Bedingfield would be so proud.
We have had a tweet from Daniel Bedingfield, a member of his family have tweeted and said he is alive and living in New Zealand! # Celebrate good life # Come on # Daniel, get in touch, you have got to come on to Celebrity Juice.
Daniel.
Come over, Gino, Fearne, Chris.
I can tell you that this week's winner of Celebrity Juice is Yeah boy.
Recognise! The winning team this week is Fearne's team.
(CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
# I'm gonna get through this #
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