It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e05 Episode Script

1 Let us gather.
Please, gather for me.
- Please.
- We're gathered.
Okay, so, now that you've gathered, I know that a lot has been on your minds these last couple weeks since I've been back.
Burning questions about my personal life, yeah.
I was gone.
Now I'm back.
That's been confusing for you.
It's been overwhelming.
The whole thing has been overwhelming for you.
And you've danced around the topic for a while now out of respect for my privacy.
And I-I really do appreciate that, but I would like for you all to know that I am ready now, and I think it's time to open it up to questions.
Now, don't hold back, guys.
You can ask me anything.
Really.
All those questions that you've got for me about what's going on, go ahead and ask them to me now.
You want to ask me if I'm gonna stay or if I'm gonna go.
- I don't care.
Do you care? - I mean, it doesn't really I may go back.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Hmm.
So, you guys want to ask me questions about my family.
- I don't.
- Yeah.
Hey, listen, sometimes it's best to raise a family from a distance.
And that's what I've decided to do, okay? And I'm not the first man in history to ever do it.
- All right, dude.
- Okay.
- Good, good, good.
Okay, so, if we're gonna sit here, and you guys are gonna insist on asking me personal questions, then be serious.
All right? L-Look, look, so, if all of you are done with your stupid questions, okay, then I have a question to ask.
I want to know, where is it? - Where's what? - Where's what? Where's what? Where's my car, man? Where's my Range Rover? I'm sure you guys, like, stashed it somewhere safely, you know, in my absence.
And that's cool.
I get it.
But now I want it back, so where-where is it? We didn't move you car.
It's right where you left it.
Goddamn it.
- - (sighs) I got to tell you, guys, that Range Rover, that was that was like a part of me.
You know, I considered it part of my identity, really.
So it's-it's almost like a piece of me is gone now.
I mean, you guys wouldn't really understand 'cause you've never owned a vehicle.
- We own vehicles.
- Yeah? Name one.
Well, we had those matching Mongoose bikes back in the day.
Yeah.
And I felt like a piece of me was gone - when they got stolen.
- Oh, that's right.
- So it's not like I can't relate.
- Yeah.
Dude, I wonder if they have bikes around here.
- Something like that.
- They don't have bikes.
- What are? - She's a beaut, right? How can I help? Yeah, no, she's cool.
She's cool.
Sort of lacks the original's, uh, masculinity and beefiness, you know, but there's a grace to it that I-I think I could probably work with.
That being said, do you guys have any '93 models? We don't keep anything before 2015 on the lot.
Oh.
Well, that sucks.
Uh, well, I'll take I'll take this one, then.
Uh, it's-it's great, and I'm gonna drive it straight out of the showroom.
So go ahead and open up those big doors or however the hell you get these cars in there.
- Open those up.
- Well, sir, we need to talk financing first.
- (groans) Come on.
- Yes, yes.
Um, oh, yeah.
Here-Here's my guy here.
You're gonna want to talk to him - about financing.
- You never bought me a Range Rover.
All I got were shit cars, which you guys crashed, and you certainly never reimbursed me.
Yeah, yeah, quit your squawking, Dee.
Hey, uh, Frank, this guy needs to talk financing.
- This is the one I'm gonna get here.
- Ooh.
Very nice.
Here you go, Dennis.
- (Dee scoffs) - Yeah, all right.
- That's for you.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
- Uh, what is this, Frank? - That's $473.
That's the Kelley Blue Book value of your car.
- Hmm.
- (chuckles): Okay.
Yeah, that-that's not gonna be nearly enough to pay-pay for the down payment on this, on this car here, so - No? - Uh, is it? Uh, no.
Come on, man.
What are you doing here? Why did you do this? I came here to buy myself a Range Rover.
In fact, that's the one I'd like.
- It's a beauty.
Look at that.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
And-and I'm gonna pay full price, so take it out of there, please.
- Thank you very much.
Yeah.
- Fantastic.
That's right.
It feels so good.
I haven't bought myself a new car in ages.
- I just need to see a driver's license.
- Okay, yeah.
I got it.
Right here.
Absolutely.
There you are.
(sighs) Uh, sir, I'm afraid I can't sell you - this vehicle, either.
- Why not? - Your driver's license is expired.
- Since when? SALESMAN: 1984.
- Whoo! - Yeah, man.
- Dork.
- (Mac and Charlie laugh) Jump this manhole.
Nice.
Oh, still got the skid.
- Oh! - Radical.
Bro, bro, I feel like a carefree, young kid on a bike again, man.
World at my fingertips.
- Yeah! Me, too.
- (Charlie whoops) Why did we stop riding these things - in the first place? - You don't remember? Dude, Shawn Dumont and their buddies, they stole our bikes.
Shawn Dumont.
That's right.
- What an asshole.
- Yeah.
Do you remember what he said to us when we went back to get them? "What are you gonna do about it?" What are you gonna do about it.
And what can you say to that? That's, like, the perfect line.
Yeah! Well, you just got to walk away, 'cause it's the end of the conversation.
It ends all conversations.
(sighs) You know, I'm starting to think that Dennis was right.
It's like what you ride is your identity.
It-It's like who you are.
It's like, this, this feels like who I am.
And so Shawn Dumont didn't just steal our bikes.
- He stole our identity.
- BOY: Cool bikes.
CHARLIE: Oh.
Hey, thanks, man.
Uh your bike's really cool, too.
I know it is.
You guys look like you're 40.
- Well, we are 40.
- Do you have the same bike as your boyfriend? Gay! Oh, well, well, I am gay, but he's not my boyfriend, - 'cause I could do much better than him.
- CHARLIE: Really? - Then why don't you, Mac? - It's difficult out there.
You guys will understand when you get older.
Oh, don't push your agenda on them.
I'm not pushing an agenda.
I'm just saying statistically - at least one of them - You guys suck.
- Ah, that's - That's Yeah.
Well, look, we don't mean to bug you.
We'll-we'll be on our way.
Yeah, we don't want any trouble.
- So, uh, Mac, find a hole.
- Oh, okay.
- Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - Sorry.
Go, go, go.
Go.
Go.
Go, Charlie, go! Hey-ho.
Look alive.
Snuck up on you there, huh? Yeah, she's quiet.
She's quiet.
But that's a virtue.
Stealth.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
You know, personally, I never saw myself in an economy car, but I got to tell you, it's got its advantages.
Yeah.
Yeah, so, I've been gone for a while.
I'm sure you noticed.
But now I'm back on the scene, you know? Doing my rounds.
See where the housewives are posted up.
Have a good time.
You know, do me a favor, keep it out front for me, because I don't think I'm gonna Oh.
Probably doesn't speak English.
- (horn honks) - Hey-ho.
What up, ding-dong? Whoa, what is this? W-What am I seeing? Oh, what, you like my new beast? - How are you in this car? - Well, it's Frank's car.
But, uh, until he gets his license back, it's mine.
I'm gonna drive it.
I just got to drop him off where he needs to go.
Just dropped him off at driver's ed.
And I got to tell you, Dennis.
I get why you want to be a Range Rover man.
You know, it's kind of like you're up on a throne, a-and you-you're looking down on all the minions, you know? - Very powerful.
Yeah.
Oh.
- Right.
Right.
Right.
- Thank you.
You just, uh, keep it out front.
- Oh, yeah.
Don't bother.
He doesn't speak English.
Of course, ma'am.
- Thank you.
- No, I mean, he didn't spe He doesn't, um - Huh? - I'm-I'm saying he doesn't, I'm saying he - What were you saying? - He doesn't always speak English.
Sometimes he's I come here a lot, so, yeah.
Uh, anyway, you want to hear something that's really cool? - All right.
- I drove all the way here and barely used an ounce of gas.
Now, that is both economically and environmentally responsible.
- So - Excuse me.
Is that the 2018? Oh, it most certainly is.
I was just telling my friend Brenda here that she needs to upgrade.
- She is still driving a 2013.
- All right.
Oh.
(laughs) Are you loving it? I mean, just loving it? I tell you what, I am loving it.
And Brenda, you got to upgrade, you stupid bitch.
Okay? Don't be a dumb idiot.
(laughs) (both laugh) - Oh, you are fun.
- Eh.
- Would you like to join us for lunch? - Oh, yes.
DENNIS: Uh, you know, ladies, you know, while we're on the subject of cars, um, I actually drove here in a Prius today Oh, so you don't have a Range Rover.
Uh, well, no.
- I just said I have a Prius - No? Okay.
Then why are we talking to you? (laughs) (women laugh) - Come on.
- (laughing): Oh, my gosh.
So when you come to a four-way stop, who has the right of way? Okay, what you want to do is, you want to lurch into the intersection.
It's like, kind of like a game of chicken.
You lurch, and then you lurch, you lurch some more, and whoever doesn't flinch gets to go first.
Mr.
Reynolds, if you would just look at the book.
Well, e-excuse me, in all due respect, but this book does not have the real rules of the road in here.
There's nothing in this book about the Asians.
- (students gasp) - You can't be PC on the road and expect to live.
You will die.
You go to a four-way stop, and you think the rules of the road are going to apply to an 80-year-old Asian woman, you're going to get blasted.
- (school bell rings) - Right.
Well, we are out of time for today.
I urge you all to study what's in the book and not listen to this man here.
Bruh, that shit was hilarious.
You're gonna fail so hard, man.
I can't afford to fail.
I ca - You mind if I cheat off you? - Yeah, maybe.
- Yeah.
- What's in it for me? I'll buy you a case of beer.
Nah, I never get carded.
Cigs? Weed? Blow? Nah, I'm in high school, man.
I can get all that shit.
- How about porno? Yeah.
- Porno? Dude, I've got a phone.
I've been looking at porno since I was, like, ten.
No, I'm talking about the real thing.
- The real shit? - Yeah, the real deal.
- All right.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
- (car door opens) - Hey, man.
- Whoa.
- How's it going? Wha-What are you doing? Oh.
I'm John.
Aren't you my Uber? Am-am I your Uber? No, I Oh, okay.
Okay.
(laughing): Yeah, I think I see what's happening here.
Yeah, no, no, I'm-I'm not your Uber, I'm not your ride.
- (laughs): Oh, God.
- So, yeah.
Yeah, so why don't you um, why don't you get out? Yeah, sorry, man.
(chuckles) Nice car, by the way.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, it is a It is a nice car, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, nothing to be ashamed of.
Not at all.
It's very sensible.
I Uber 'cause I drive this old piece of shit that gets no mileage, so Ah.
Yeah.
(chuckles) - Hey, John, was it? - Mm-hmm.
That's a strong economy name.
You know, it says so much, yet it says so little.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, you got a good economy face on you, too.
- What? - Eh.
Hey, man, I got to get going.
I have some friends from my fantasy league coming over, - so I should find my ride.
- Hey, I like sports, too.
Yeah, I do, but I've never really engaged with the fantasy element of it.
- No? Oh, it's the best.
- No.
And daily fantasy makes every game matter.
- Huh.
- You get way more bang for your buck.
Ah.
Well, that's economical.
I You know what? That makes total sense.
I think I'm, I think I'm starting to understand now.
It always seemed foolish to me before, but this economy car has got me thinking I could enjoy economy activities.
You know what, John.
Cancel your ride.
I'll drive you to your fantasy.
Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
Aw, dude, when was the last time we bought baseball cards, man? I don't know, but it's fun, dude, and it's also, like, a great investment, right? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I got a Chuck Knoblauch! - That's, like, pre-yips, man.
- Pre-yips? - Yeah.
- That could be worth a fortune! Yeah, it's gonna be worth a lot, man.
He was good.
- Goddamn.
- See, this is what I feel like we missed out on.
Like-like our whole lives could've been different if those bikes weren't stolen, you know? Yeah, I know.
Wait.
Where's your bike? Ah, shit.
Yeah, bro, I don't know if I'm down for whatever you got planned out here.
- I mean - No, no.
Here you go.
- What the hell is? - This is, this is it.
This is it.
This is it.
This is where I kept it.
Check this out.
Huh? Check this out.
Trésor.
- Check this out.
Yeah.
- Trésor? Look at this.
Look at that.
Skank.
Hold on to that.
- Look at this.
Score.
- Okay, but - Look at it.
This is - Brah, I-I thought, I thought you was gonna get me laid, all right? - That would have been lit.
- Huh? Well, this is just - This shit's just weird as hell.
- Well, no - I mean, the plastic bags? Come on, man.
- Well, the Look, my-my boy Dennis is tight with the girls.
He's gonna get you laid, but you got to help me pass that test.
Here, check this out.
Look at that.
Ooh! - Oh, yeah.
Hey, hey.
No, no.
- Huh? That's nice.
Wait, wait.
Hold that up.
I want to get it for my Instagram story.
Yeah, that was good.
That was good.
Here you go, here you go.
- Check this out.
Ho! - Oh! This shit's weird as hell, man.
- (laughs) - Yeah.
(relaxing music playing) I mean, sure, it feels a little fast.
And at first I thought it was 'cause I had the newest model, but that's not it.
They recognize me for who I really am.
You know, my true identity.
They, uh, invited me to Turks and Caicos for Karen's birthday on a private jet.
(laughs) That's when I was like, "Okay, well, which one is it? Turks or Caicos? 'Cause I'm not invited back on Caicos.
" (laughs) Why aren't you laughing? No.
Well, you probably don't speak English.
I speak English.
It's just not funny.
(women laughing) - Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Deandra, that massage was everything.
- Was it? - Ah.
We deserve it.
- Mm.
- At least I do.
I just wish my second husband came with a dimmer switch.
I forgot how much energy men in their 20s have.
Oh.
(chuckles) Karen upgraded.
Her first husband was, like, 70.
- Mm.
- Now she's got a boy toy with five percent body fat.
Yum.
Karen, you dog.
But his brain is the size of a pea, - so conversations are like pulling teeth.
- Hmm.
You don't have to worry about these things - 'cause you've never been married.
- That's true.
The fuck is that supposed to mean? Oh, Karen, you bitch.
You dumb idiot.
You stupid savage.
You're not the alpha here, you crusty-ass fool.
Oh, I'm gonna cuck you so hard.
Your boy toy he's mine.
I will destroy you.
I am a 2018 Range Rover woman.
I am a golden goddess.
Who are you, idiot? Savage! (echoes): Idiot! Yo, yo, Den dog, we're here.
Hey.
DENNIS: (chuckles) Hey, Frankie.
- Hey, how you doing? - What's up? Hey.
- Hey, thanks for inviting us.
- Yeah.
Hey, uh, listen, everybody, this is my friend Frank - and his, uh friend.
His-his, uh - Hey.
- young friend.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks for inviting us.
Yeah.
- Make yourself at home.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Uh, what do you think, guys? It's pretty great, right? John's got a pretty nice setup.
You know, he's got great Wi-Fi, too, which is great for playing fantasy sports.
We're-we're doing a little fantasy baseball right now.
Is this the dude you're talking about? Uh, yeah.
Mm, yeah.
Don't embarrass me, man.
- I'm not embarrassing you.
- Dennis.
- This place is weak, bro.
- Oh.
- Bro.
- It's not no, not weak.
- (Frank laughs) - Who is? Yeah.
Not weak, guy.
You know, these guys, they-they totally get it.
You know what I mean? Hey, look.
They work hard, but they play hard, you know.
They play fantasy hard, too.
- Yeah.
I really want to show you this lineup I - (stammers) Dennis? At least hit on the one chick that's here.
Oh.
Uh, no.
That's-that's Tara, and I think, uh I think John's got a little bit of a thing for her, so You lose your mojo? (scoffs) I didn't lose my mojo.
- I still got my - Yeah, you got it.
- You got the moves? - I got my mojo.
- I said you-you - What are you doing? Uh, Insta story.
- Kids.
- Cool.
(groans) What is it? AIDAN: It's video, bro.
Uh, okay.
What do I do? Like, should I do, like, a thing, or? AIDAN: Oh, this dude sucks.
What are you doing, man? I don't suck.
Dude, I'll suck you.
- You'll suck me? (laughs) - No, that's - That's not what I meant.
- Oh, that's perfect, man.
What are you, what are you gonna do with that, dude? - Don't put that out in the world.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Go hit on the girl, will you? - Yeah.
- I'll show you what sucks, huh? - Let's go.
Let's see it.
- I'll hit on Tara, man.
You'll see.
- I want to watch.
Let's go.
- Who is this guy? - Come on.
- Come watch this.
Watch this.
- All right.
All right.
Yo.
- Hey, what's up? - Hey, what's up, man? Um, oh, cooking.
You What is that, chili? Cool.
- Yeah.
- Did you make enough for everybody? - Yeah, you want some? - Oh, no.
It makes me makes me fart.
(chuckles) I don't want to, I don't want to fart right now.
Um I noticed you were wearing a hat, and that's that's pretty cool.
Like, I don't see a lot of, like, girls wearing hats, you know, and I'm wearing a hat, too, you know.
It's like, it's like we're It's like we're hat twins.
(laughs) You know what I mean? Yeah.
And I-I have a twin.
I mean, I am a twin.
Like, I'm part I'm one part of a twin.
Uh I have a twin sister, is what I'm trying to say.
Mm.
Yeah, she farts a shit ton, man.
Yeah.
I-I don't have that.
Like, everything makes her everything makes her fart.
- I'm gonna get back in there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- The Minnesota Twins.
- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, they're a team.
(groans) - Mm.
- (exhales) It was pretty cool.
We're gonna hit the road.
Uh - Are you guys gonna take off? - Yeah, we're gonna - take off.
- Be good though, bro.
- Word.
Word.
- FRANK: See you, man.
Look, just pedal faster.
I'm going as fast as I can, bro.
You tacked on - a little too much mass, I think.
- Don't blame this on me, dude.
- Are you doing the leg routine I gave you? - I'm so tired - of doing your routines, man.
- Are you drinking the Fight Milk? It makes me so sick! - There it is! - MAC: Oh, shit! That is it! - Hey! - Hey, punks! That's our bike.
Well, it's ours now.
What are you gonna do about it? - Listen, you little piece of shit.
I'm gonna - Yo, whoa! Hey! The hell is this? What are you doing? You yelling at my kid? - Uh, thank you for coming out, sir.
- You all right? Uh, I believe that your son and his friends stole a bike.
I'm sorry, Stephen stole your son's bike? - Uh, no.
He stole our bike.
- Let me talk to my son.
- Let's see if we can get down to it, okay? - Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Dude, do you know who that is? - No.
That's Shawn Dumont, who stole our bike in seventh grade.
- That's him.
- That's Shawn Dumont? - Holy shit, you're right.
- I know.
He got fat as shit, man.
I almost didn't recognize him.
Y-You know what, dude, I don't even care.
I just want to get my bike and let's just go - and have fun.
- Let's just get back to it.
All right.
Let's not get tripped up by that.
Okay, good news.
He didn't steal it.
- What? Uh, yeah, he did.
It's-it's right there.
- Yeah.
I'm looking at it.
You want to take a look? No, no.
He says he didn't steal it.
And, you know, he didn't steal it.
- Okay? - Well, no, that is definitely our bike, - a-and we want it back, okay? - Yeah, we want it back.
What are you gonna do about it? Uh uh - Nothing, yeah.
(mutters) - Nothing.
- Yeah.
That's what I thought.
- Damn it.
- Dude, it's the perfect line, dude.
There's no coming back - Yeah.
- from that.
- It's just like, when you say it, it just ends the whole thing.
Damn it.
I can't believe this happened again.
Son of a bitch.
(Chattering indistinctly) - KAREN: (gasps) Dee! - Hey.
What a nice surprise.
I wasn't expecting you.
You know, - I was just telling Brenda about my new bed linens.
- BRENDA: Oh.
Egyptian cotton.
1,000 thread count.
You got to see them.
Oh, I-I've seen them.
I've seen them real up close and personal.
- I'm sorry? - You heard me.
This spinster spun a web that swallowed your boy toy up whole.
I am a goddess.
Okay, I'm having a hard time following what you're I am a golden goddess, you idiot.
Savage idiots! And I banged your man.
Aidan! Where the hell were you? The test was this morning! - I failed so hard! - Dude, my mom saw the Instagram with all the porn and shit.
She said no phone privileges and no license.
I'm-I'm grounded, bro.
Aw! Moms are so not lit.
Hey, but, yo, I did get laid last night.
- That's lit.
- Yeah.
- KAREN: Get out! - (chuckles) Who's the alpha now, - huh, Karen? (laughs) - Get off my property, bitch! How could you have done this to me? - Frank? - Deandra, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, my God.
You're the creepy old man from Aidan's Instagram stories.
Aidan and I are study buddies.
Your husband's taking driver's ed? (chuckles) Well, I tell you what, I showed him how to drive stick last night.
Aidan's my son! What's that? What's up, Dee? - Oh - KAREN: Brenda, - call the police.
Now.
- DEE: No, no.
- FRANK: All right.
- Um Oh, my God.
- B-Bye-bye.
Let's go.
- Get out of here.
Keys? - That's right.
Go.
- Are you sure about this? - Yes, dude.
Shawn Dumont is an asshole.
He stole our bikes and he stole our identities.
I can't believe he's getting away with this, man.
You know what? We got to do what we should've done - 30 years ago.
- Yes.
Yes.
- You're right.
- You ready? Yeah.
Shawn Dumont.
That prick.
- Son of a bitch.
- That goddamn prick.
Yo, I'm gonna steal my dad's vape pen.
I know where he hides that shit.
- (chuckles) - MAC: Hey, you.
(grunting) (grunts) (grunts, shouts) (doorbell rings) - Dennis.
- Oh, boy.
It has been a long-ass day.
It is definitely beer o'clock.
- What's up? - There is always Coors - in the garage fridge, bro.
- Oh.
Clutch! (chuckles) What's up? (choir singing) (gasps) Jonathan! What's up? What is this? What am I seeing? This is that gas guzzler I was mentioning.
- Oh.
- I don't know.
I think I'm gonna donate it to the fire department - or something.
- C-Can can I c-can I purchase it from I will purchase it from you.
The Blue Book value, I'll-I'll give you double.
Deal.
(chuckles) (chuckles) - Be gone from me now.
- What? Be gone from me, you soy boy beta cuck.
The transaction is complete.
Dennis, I don't understand.
Be gone! (sighing) (choir singing) ("Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley plays) (singing along): Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around Hey! Charlie? Mac? - Dennis! - Guys.
The cops, the parents, they're all after us.
How'd you get a Range Rover? Let's just get in.
Get in.
- Oh, man, we did a bad thing.
- Yeah, get in.
- Go! Hey, get us out of here, man.
Go, go, go.
- Oh, Jesus.
We did a bad thing, dude.
I think I killed a kid.
- He did.
I saw him.
I think the kid's dead.
- (shushing) Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it Inside we both know what's been going on What the hell is going on here? - (car alarm blaring) - Hey! - Hey, Dee, Frank, what's up? - Hey.
We almost got T-boned by an Asian.
It was totally my fault.
She did everything by the book.
Very surprising.
- Also, Dee banged a kid.
- Ah.
No, no, I was trying to cuck a bitch (shushing) It doesn't matter.
It's okay.
You're in the Range Rover now.
All is well.
Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you - Never gonna make you cry - (horn honks) Never gonna say good-bye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Ooh Give you up, ooh Give you up, ooh Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up, ooh Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up.
(trio chanting backwards)