The Simpsons s13e05 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Putting away groceries, it's like unwrapping presents from yourself.
Fruit Roll-Ups for Bart.
Beer Roll-Ups for Homer.
(GASPS) Burly? I bought the wrong brand, Maggie.
I'll just take them right back to the store and Whoa! Look at those massive plaid shoulders! Look at that absorbativity! I've gotta tell someone.
I came home as quick as I could.
What's going on? Watch what happens when I spill this blue liquid.
You pulled me out of school for this? Absolutely.
You're about to get a lesson in value.
And Burly's still got soaking power.
Spill something else.
Mom, I believe you.
Spill it.
Hmm? Ooh, Burly, you're insatiable.
(LAUGHS WEAKLY) Oh, Burly, you're so rugged and manly.
Marge, a bee almost stung me today.
I felt the wind go right by my ear.
(WHIMPERING) Oh, it's okay, Homie.
The bee's all gone.
Mmm! Fantasize, Marge.
Fantasize about Burly.
(CLICKING TONGUE) (GRUNTING) Hey, you're looking at that spokes-jack.
Well, I can fantasize, too.
Hmm.
Ooh! Mama Celeste.
(PURRING) You touch me and I cut you.
Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford.
It ain't gonna happen.
(GROANS) MARGE: "Dear Burly, comma, I've never written to a registered trademark before.
"Are you a real person or just a composite? Question Mark.
"In either case, I would love a signed photo.
"Sincerely, Marge Simpson.
" (LAUGHING DEVILISHLY) "Love"? (GASPS) "Signed photo"? Marge hasn't asked me for a signed photo in months.
Well, I'll show her.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) Hello? We have a person-to-person call for Marge Simpson.
Person-to-person! (IN DEEP VOICE) Hello.
This is Chad Sexington, the model for Burly Paper Towels.
(GASPING) How did you get my number? I don't know.
But I was quite moved by your letter.
I'd love to meet you and your family.
Shall we say dinner? Oh, my goodness Perfect.
I'll be there at 7:00.
Oh, my God! Dinner with Burly! (BOTH LAUGHING) Playing a prankeroo, eh? I was having a private conversation with my wife in the guise of Chad Sexington.
Do you mind? (HUMMING) So, how was your day? Did anything unbelievable happen? Phone calls? Things of that nature? You're not gonna believe it.
That paper towel lumberjack is coming here for dinner tonight.
Tonight? Well, you better get your hopes up.
I will.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGING) That's him! Oh, my God! Why, look.
It's Chad Sexington! Hey, baby! I'm that guy you like.
Barney? Where's Chad? I (LAUGHING HEARTILY) Congratulations.
I feel ridiculous.
You mean I was just a prop in some cruel joke? Now you've done it.
You've really humiliated Mom.
It was hard on me, too.
I had to wear a suit.
Oh You're right.
I've gotta make it up to her.
I suggest dinner and a show.
How about Benihana, where dinner is the show? (BOTH GRUNT DISAPPROVINGLY) No, huh? Walking to hell and back again I guess it was a pretty funny prank.
I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.
Yeah.
Nothing is hurt except feelings.
Walking to hell and back again Okay.
You've seen our next performer on Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin and Art Linkletter's House Party.
Please welcome Mesmerino, the hip hypnotist.
Thank you.
Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's see.
Who do we have here? Well, what's the matter with you, champ? You couldn't find a date? I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed and whatnot.
Why did you come here? Seriously though.
When I snap my fingers, my friend, you will be a make-out artist.
Glayvin! That's a powerful (EXCLAIMS) Whoa! Hold it 'cause it's different! (DINERS EXCLAIMING) (SMOOTHLY) Hey, cupcake, listen good.
I want you to swallow that gum and meet me in the coatroom, in five, four, three, two, now.
(GULPING) Whatever you say, Professor.
And back you go.
Ooh! Hey! No, no, don't make me! I don't want to go back to the nothing! I don't (GRUNTING) (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, dear.
I've redorkulated.
Hey, smart move, Four-Eyes.
Sitting next to Skeletor here makes you look like Hercules.
(HOMER LAUGHING) Zing.
What's a "Skeletor"? No, no, I kid.
But seriously, it's very nice to see a young man take his father out for a night of hypnotism before he dies.
(ALL LAUGHING) Actually, my father died a long time ago.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN SYMPATHY) Okay.
Is anyone here not a downer? Anyone? Do me! Do me! (GIGGLING EXCITEDLY) I am in your power.
Boss me around.
When I snap my fingers, you will transform into a famous historian.
Look at me! I'm a famous historian! Out of my way! Thank you.
Now you are Emily Dickinson.
Look at me! I'm Angie Dickinson! Out of my way! Now you are a young boy, uh, yourself at 12 years old.
(IN BOYISH VOICE) I'm 12 years old.
I'm with my friends.
It's a beautiful summer day at the old swimming hole.
Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) Do something, Mesmerino.
Uh, yes.
Yes.
(SIGHS) That's better.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING LOUDLY) Dad, what's wrong? We better get him home.
(CONTINUES SCREAMING) There you go.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) (GROANING) Hmm! And Bart is set for the week.
(SCREAMING) Oh, no.
Sorry, Mrs.
S.
He was kind of disrupting things at work.
Yeah.
He ruined naptime and quiet time.
Oh, Homie, you poor thing.
(CONTINUES SCREAMING) Oh, cool.
He's still mental.
Yeah.
My hunch is he's struggling with some sort of repressed memory.
Hmm.
How do we unrepress it? Well, the Yaqui Indians brew a special tea that unlocks memories.
It would be a good excuse to use my Yaqui tea set.
Well, is anything coming back to you? Oh.
(CHUCKLING) There have been so many classic Simpson moments.
I remember that time I tried to jump over Springfield Gorge.
I'm gonna make it! LISA: No, Dad.
Everyone's sick of that memory.
Try to remember back when you were 12.
Something frightening must have happened.
Hmm.
Twelve.
Well, I remember I used to go hiking a lot with these two guys.
It was one of those lazy summer days you thought would last forever.
And to kill the boredom, we sang.
(HUMMING) (HUMMING) ALL: Mister Sandman, bring me a dream Make him the cutest that I've ever seen Check it out, Fat Tony.
Those jokers think they're The Cowsills.
And lots of wavy hair like Liberace You guys have blundered into our secret tobaccy patch.
Wow! Is that wacky tobaccy? The wackiest.
Let's punch and kick them! (ALL GASP) Not so fast.
(GRUNTING) He's got a Daisy.
We better scram.
Eighteen more pumps, that could break the skin.
Hey, thanks, Moe.
And that's how a troubled young Moe saved the day.
Moe, what are you doing here? What am I My bar is empty is what.
Why ain't you guys there? We're trying to uncover a hidden trauma in my dad's childhood.
What? You mean that time he wigged out? Well, give me some of that Indian memory tea there and I'll tell you all about it.
(IN FUNNY VOICE) Mmm! That's good Yaqui.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
That night we camped out under the stars.
(SIGHS) Look at all them stars.
Bunch of lazy lights, don't do nothing for nobody.
Hey, you know what I'm looking forward to? The future.
Have you heard about this Internet thing? Internet? Yeah.
It's the inner netting they invented to line swim trunks.
It provides a comforting snugness.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) Hey, what was that? LENNY: That's that nuclear plant they just opened.
Yeah, that's your future, busting atoms.
Can you imagine us working there? The whole Carl Crew? Hey, I thought we were called Lenny and the Jets.
Hey, you're both wrong.
We're the Moe Szyslak Experience, featuring Homer.
I like the sound of that.
Friends forever? ALL: Friends forever.
HOMER: Ow! Ow! That hurts! Man, we're stupid.
I hate you guys.
MOE: The next morning we went out to the old quarry to have a swim.
(WHISTLES) You guys really gonna dive off of here? Not me.
I'm shaking like a French soldier.
Yeah.
I think I just logged on to my Internet.
Only a moron would jump into that Geronimo! Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) And there's your whatchamacall repressed trauma.
I mean, who likes getting muddy? It's terrible.
Okay.
Let's go to Moe's now.
Wait a minute.
I remember falling in the mud.
But I don't think that's why I've been screaming.
Fine.
Crap all over my theory.
Something else happened in that quarry.
Something else.
Hey, what happened to all the water? Hmm.
Hey, there's something blocking it.
Hey, come on.
(GRUNTING) Come on, Homer! We're going to Sears to feel the bras! What the heck is that thing? (EXCLAIMING) (SCREAMING) You found a corpse when you were 12? (WHIMPERING) No wonder you've been so traumatized.
It's responsible for everything wrong in my life.
My occasional overeating, my fear of corpses.
(SOBBING) What I want to know is what the heck was that body doing there? Maybe there's murder afoot.
Murder most foul? Maybe.
You know, if Dad never told anyone, that body must still be out there.
This sounds like a case that only the Simpson family can solve.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, well, we'll just be going then.
Hey, you guys can come with us.
No, no, no.
He said "Simpson family.
" I mean, you know, it sounded exciting.
But, you know, we don't want to intrude.
Thanks for understanding.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well I'll see ya.
HOMER: Bye, Moe.
(CHUCKLING) Yep.
The old quarry is just a stone's throw away.
Stop saying that, Dad.
Never.
Hey, there's Mesmerino.
Seventeen seventy-six.
"How much is left in my checking account.
" HOMER: This is it.
This is the old quarry.
Maybe we should come back in the daytime.
Someone's yellow belly is showing.
Oh, sorry.
(RUSTLING) (ALL GASPING) Ah, geez.
Right in the eyes.
Chief Wiggum! Who's there? How do you How do you know my name? It's us, the Simpsons.
Oh.
I saw your car by the gate and I Well, I thought you might be lost hikers.
'Cause then I could rescue you, and be a hero.
And maybe the city would give me a coupon for free guitar lessons.
So what are you doing here? We're investigating a possible murder case.
Oh.
You mind if I tag along? I'm kind of a crime buff.
If there's a body in here, we'll drag it up.
(GRUNTING) Heck.
It's just an old shopping cart.
Oh, and it's empty.
Put it back.
I don't want to see it this way.
We'll never find the body under all this water.
Water, eh? Burly to the rescue! CLANCY: Oh, that is so cool.
Hey! What's that over there? Don't get excited.
It's just a skull-shaped rock and a bunch of white sticks.
It's the body.
And someone has eaten the flesh.
(GRUNTING IN ACCUSATION) But whose body is it? And who sent it down that pipe? Now do you believe dead rats float, Lisa? Yes.
Well, looks like the end of the line.
That means our murderer could be on the other side of this hatch.
(SQUEAKING) (GUNSHOT) (EXCLAIMS) What are you doing in my corpse hatch? Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
Did I say corpse hatch? I meant "innocence tube.
" Then how do you explain this? I've been expecting this day for 30 years.
In a way, it's a relief.
But in another way, it's most unwelcome.
All right, quit stalling, Burns.
Who'd you ice? I'm afraid that skull belongs to my dear friend, Waylon Smithers Senior.
(GASPS) Mr.
Smithers' father! But I did not murder him.
And I can prove it with this film.
Ooh! A movie! I call the couch! (LAUGHING) If you see only one film this year that proves my innocence, make it this one.
(ALARM BLARING) Why are these numbers so high? Why is that red light flashing? And what's that alarming sound? Smithers, get in here! Smithers! Sorry, Monty.
I was feeding Waylon Junior.
Will you put that baby down? There's something wrong with the reactor core.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING) I better go in and have a look.
No, Waylon Senior.
It could be filled with atoms, and steam, and other nuclear bric-a-brac.
If this reactor blows, the whole town is doomed, including my son.
(GURGLING) So, you're a baby, huh? How's that working out for you? (POWERING DOWN) He did it! Look at your heroic daddy in there making funny faces, falling to the floor, shedding his hair, lying perfectly still Oh, dear.
Sir.
Smithers Senior gave his life to save the plant.
And since cover-ups were all the rage back then, I shoved his heroic corpse down the sewer pipe.
I never told Smithers the truth about his father.
Until tonight, sir.
(GASPS) Smithers Junior.
Ha! Busted.
Now the movie's turned into a play.
Still good though.
I'm sorry I lied to you, Waylon.
But I wanted to spare you the details of your father's gruesome death.
Well, I'm glad to know he died a hero instead of that other way.
I told him his father was killed in the Amazon by a tribe of savage women.
I hope it didn't affect you in any way.
We'll never know, sir.
Well, Marge, we solved the case of the haunted quarry.
Homer, shouldn't we give that skull to Mr.
Smithers? Why? He'd just bury it.
Hey! Hey! I found a clue that's gonna bust your mystery wide open.
Sorry.
We already solved it.
Oh.
Well, you want to take a look at it anyways just for ha-ha's? Seems kind of pointless now.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's just that, you know, I went to a lot of trouble, you know, making the envelope and everything.
Let's see what you have, Moe.
Okay.
Now this first thing is just gonna look like a used Band-Aid, and it is.
But the rest of the stuff don't make no sense without it.
So, you know, bear with me.
Wow, Moe.
You've been doing a lot of sleuthing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I sleuthed my ass off on this one.
Okay, this is a number six from somebody's address.
Or is it a nine? You don't know.
This is gravel.
Okay? Gravel.
This is That's more gravel.
Okay.
Oh! This is That's more gravel.
Okay.
Oh! This is a shell that, to me, this is just me talking.
It looks like a helmet for a mouse.
Now, that sounds crazy, right? But if you ask the mice about it, they don't say nothing.
I mean, they run the other way.
At first, I was just fishing with the helmet thing.
But then from the mouse reaction I got, I got a little more concerned.
HOMER: You really made that envelope? 'Cause it says "Hammermill" over here.
MOE: Um No.
(HOMER SCREAMING)