Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e05 Episode Script

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie You?, the show where dishonesty is sometimes the best policy.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who, as a student, started a band called Dog Dirt.
Sadly, no-one picked them up.
It's Bob Mortimer! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a presenter who once appeared on Radio 1's Innuendo Bingo.
Yes, if you want an innuendo, this lady will give you one.
It's Alice Levine.
CHEERING And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a celebrated actor whose career started on Coronation Street back in 1982.
I've never watched Corrie, so, please, no spoilers.
It's Sue Johnston.
APPLAUSE And he's the furniture restoration expert who says he loves nothing more than getting his hands on a tired old antique.
I'll be keeping my distance.
From The Repair Shop, it's Jay Blades! CHEERING So, to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
- Alice, you're first tonight.
- OK.
"I once fled a swimming pool "after accidentally assaulting an old man.
" All right.
Wow.
David.
So how did you accidentally assault the old man? Um, so we were both in the pool, in the water, and I had heard that it was rude to kind of overtake people, like, go round people, so I decided to undertake him and go underneath him, because I thought, if you go round, it's sort of passive aggressive.
You've got to be a very good swimmer to go under and build up speed and come up the other side.
Yes.
That wasthat was the issue.
So I think I went too deep, and then I misjudged it, and then I sort of came up mid-abdomen.
LAUGHTER You know in, like, an ice lake, but it was skin, so I was trying to find a hole in the You surfaced underneath him? - Looking for a hole.
- Yeah.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
What did he do? - He wasn't best pleased, Sue.
He sort of struggled and then - Drowned.
I don't know.
LAUGHTER I don't know what his fate was.
So how did you assault him, then? That's what I'm trying to find out.
As I was trying to find the surface, I was quite handsy.
OK.
It sounds like it was a hit and swim.
Justyou just went.
An old man's undercarriage can hang very low.
LAUGHTER I wonder if there was, like, an entanglement.
LAUGHTER Why were you so convinced that you thought it would be rude to swim round him, but you thought, if you swam underneath him, he wouldn't notice - So - .
.
when someone just appeared in front of him? He's going to know that he has, in some way, been overtaken or undertaken, isn't he? - You're right.
I think in his heart, he would have known.
- Yeah.
In his already weak, ageing heart.
What happened to you when you got out? Well, I just looked back, and he was still floundering, - and I just went and got changed.
- LAUGHTER - What are you thinking, Sue? - II think it's a lie, because I think Alice is too kind a person.
I don't think she'd have left him floundering in the pool.
So basically there's a lot riding on this now, isn't there, Sue? Because if it is true, it turns out she's a really horrible person.
LAUGHTER - What about you, Jay? - I was going to say the same thing as Sue.
I don't think you're that nasty to just leave a guy Now there's even more hanging on it! What do you think, David? Well, I tell you what is plausible - the details, the specifics.
This thing about undertaking rather than overtaking, that's either been very cleverly and recently invented or it's true.
You're very bold.
Normally, if two team-mates are going one way, you crumble instantly.
No, I'm very happy to be outvoted.
I just want to be able to say I told you so.
LAUGHTER - All right.
So you're going to say? - We'll say lie.
- That's lovely leadership.
OK.
You're saying it's a lie.
- Yeah.
Alice, was it the truth or were you telling a lie? Sue's going to hate me.
It's true.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jay, you're next.
- Possession.
- Ah, right.
There's a box just there, so lift up the box, place the item that's in there on the desk and then read the card.
"This lives in my workshop, and I watered it every day for a month "before someone pointed out that it was plastic.
" OK, right.
Lee's team.
- Where did you get it? - It was a gift.
- Someone gave it to me for a - Yeah, I know what a gift is.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER He's sharp, isn't he? He's sharp.
- Who gave it to you? - A person whose chair I did up.
They gave me the flower.
- You're welcome to inspect it yourself.
- Can we have a look at it? - Your keen observation.
- Shall we go and get it? I don't want to get it, but we should.
Now, I'm happy to wheel you over there, cos it's got castors on it.
It looks heavy.
- Here we are.
- Careful, Rob.
- It's very light.
- It makes me think you'd know it was not with soil.
- Yeah.
- What is that stuff? Yeah, it's like - That looks quite real, that stuff at the bottom.
- The mossy stuff, yeah.
That not feel real to you? It's not going to smell! It's not real.
You not been listening?! Maybe it is! What would happen if you put water in it, Lee? It's not real! No, but what? I wonder if the water would penetrate Put it on top of there.
Let's find out.
- Right, well, it's - Oh, it does absorb it.
- It does absorb it.
- It absorbs.
- No, no, no.
It didn't there, but it does absorb quite a lot of water, doesn't it? - You did it for a month? - About a month, yeah.
- How often? - Probably about three times a week.
- Three times a week?! You gave it 12 waterings.
How much water did you put in? Only, like, an egg cup.
- He filled the egg cup with water? - Not filled.
I didn't say I filled it.
Do you know, Rob? It's only in the last 30 seconds I've realised you've still been stood there.
Just LAUGHTER Why are you still?! Because I find this a bit You know about the restraining order! Always five metres away.
Five metres away.
Do you want it back, Rob? Yes.
Thank you.
- Very proudly.
- How long's he been? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You say 12 times you topped it up with half an egg cup.
- Almost half an egg cup.
- ALMOST half an egg cup? Almost.
- I've got a lot of antiques in my workshop.
- It's an antique egg cup? - It's an antique egg cup, yeah.
- And what does it look like? - It's a little ceramic - Well, they were very different back then.
Because, of course, before the war, eggs were rectangular.
LAUGHTER Could have been a dodo egg.
- So after the 12 waterings, or the month, had elapsed - Yeah.
.
.
what made you realise that it was fake? The customer called me back, just to say she enjoys the chair and stuff like that, and how am I getting on with the plant? And I said, "Oh, I've been watering it, but it hasn't grown.
" Did you expect it to be a tree after the month? Well, she said, "It willit will blossom a bit more," - is what she said.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- She said that?! She what?! What, on the phone, she said that? No, she said that while she was there picking up the chair.
- So when she gave it to you - Yeah.
.
.
she said it would blossom a bit more? Yes, if I water it.
But it's not real! So are you telling us that she also didn't know? No.
Basically, she did tell me that it would blossom if I watered it when she picked up the chair, and then when she called me up, and she said she was enjoying the chair, I said, "I've been watering the plant but it hasn't blossomed.
" She started laughing.
It was a practical joke she was playing on me.
- Bingo! - Thank you.
APPLAUSE So she said to you, "Ha-ha-ha-ha," and you said, "Why are you laughing?" and she said It's plastic.
She just started laughing, and then her dentures fell out as well at the same time, so she had to pick those back up and put them back in.
- Were you on FaceTime? - No.
She doesn't do How do you know? Did you hear a gentle thud? - Was it - "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
"? - THUD And then It was more like a wind action.
It was more like wind coming through the phone.
- That's what it was.
- What?! No, like, she was blowing.
She was laughing, but it was like LAUGHTER - Bob, what are you thinking? - Well, my instinct, as I held it, it's so light that I wouldn't believe that it had soil in it and was a living thing.
I did think it was a little bit more real than I was expecting it to be.
It had a leafy texture.
You didn't think it felt real at all, did you? No, I feel like I could see the seams.
Yeah.
It's not real.
David, do you think it looks real? Yeah, I do think it looks real.
Orchids look like that.
Orchids are very delicate.
I would say, to be fair on it, it looks exactly like a real flower, to the extent that I think that's what it might have been designed to look like.
LAUGHTER OK.
It's time.
What are you going to say? I think it's tosh.
She laughed for an extended period.
You're not laughing for an extended period about that.
She might have a dull sense of humour.
95% of what Jay said is a lie, but I think it's true.
LAUGHTER - It can't be true.
It's got to be a lie.
- OK! - Got to be a lie.
- It's up to you, Alice.
It's for you.
- What? - It's for you.
- No, I've said true - No, I'm not getting involved.
- You said lie.
- I'm not saying anything.
- Don't put it on me! You get invited back! This is my only chance.
It isa lie.
- You're saying it's a lie? - I'm saying it's a lie.
- OK.
So, Jay, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? I was telling the - A lie.
- Oh! APPLAUSE Our next round is called This is My where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest - Francis.
APPLAUSE So, Sue, what is Francis to you? Well, this is Francis, and together we hid a body in a coffin to spook the cast of Brookside.
Jay, how do you know Francis? So this is Francis, and we got a speeding ticket together whilst test driving a motorised sofa.
And finally, David, what's your relationship with Francis? This is Francis, and he told me to tone it down a bit when I got a tad too bouncy on his bouncy castle.
LAUGHTER Lee's team, where do you want to start? - I think we'll start with Sue, shall we? - The cadaver, yeah.
First of all, what is Francis' role on Brookside? Francis was the first AD.
That was his year of birth? LAUGHTER It stands for assistant director.
- OK, so was it part of the story, the coffin? - Yes.
- Right.
- It was the death of a very loved character - Which character? - .
.
had occurred before - called Damon Grant.
- Your fictional son? Yeah.
Yeah.
CRYING: It's bringing back memories.
- Do you remember Damon dying in Brookside? - I remember Damon, yeah.
- Simon, his name was.
- Simon.
He Who? Simon O'Brien.
What did you put in the coffin, Sue? A body or something We put Simon in.
- Well, hang on.
Wasn't Simon? - Dead.
No, no.
I know that.
But was Simon supposed to be in the episode - playing himself as a dead body? - No.
So you would never have seen what was in the coffin in the story.
- Yeah.
- But you decided to ring up Simon, say, "You know you're upset because you've been written out of the show? "Is there any chance you could come in unpaid one more time?" Yeah, he thought that would be a great idea.
And, Sue, he wasn't meant to be in work that day? No, he'd finished.
He'd been stabbed.
He wasn't meant to be in work ever again.
So I went to Francis and said, "What do you think about ".
.
hiding Simon in the coffin and, you know, freaking everybody out?" But how did you freak people out? Because the coffin had the lid on.
- Because he could jump out.
- He could or he did? - He did.
- And who did he scare? Well, he scared most people, but, in particular, the priest.
LAUGHTER - Wow.
- So, Sue, when he decided to do the reveal of jumping out, - when? - Well, he couldn't stay in there very long, - but we knew - Although that bloke under the patio was there for about six series.
True! So we had a quick rehearsal and then we go for a take, and during the take, the coffin begins to shake, and this eerie noise comes out of it, and it bursts open and Simon sits up.
What does he say? "Hi.
" LAUGHTER - Did he not think to use the traditional "boo"? - Oh.
- It probably doesn't make much difference, does it? - No.
If an apparently dead body is jumping out of a coffin, people aren't going, "What's he going to say?" And what did the priest say? That's when I thought we'd gone too far - cos the priest went green and he went - Because he had a heart attack and died? DAVID: At least there was a coffin on hand.
LAUGHTER - Now, what about Jay? - Jay, remind us again.
- Remind us, Jay.
Well, this is Francis, and basically we got a speeding ticket for driving a motorised sofa.
Right, why was this sofa motorised? Was it one of your renovations? No, the sofa was one of my renovations, but the motor underneath it belonged to Francis.
What was he going to do with it, then? I mean Basically takes them round to, like, car enthusiast shows and just drives them round.
So hang on, what speed were you going? We was doing about 20 I think it was about 23mph.
It was a 20-mile zone.
- And you got into trouble for it? - Yeah, Francis got a ticket.
- I didn't get - What do you mean a ticket? It was the old bill.
The police caught us.
- Oh, the police actually stopped you? - Yeah.
So it's got a registration on it? It's got a registration on the front and the back of the sofa.
- Right.
- On the arms? - No, not on the arms.
No, on the back.
You know the arms are famously at the side, not the front and back? LAUGHTER What's the mechanisms for driving this thing? You've got a flat bit for your feet where the pedals are, and then the steering wheel kind of was on a shaft, which can control what was underneath the sofa, and I had to do something in the arm where it could open up and then you have the wing mirror in the back that you could see.
- It had to be roadworthy.
- Sorry, is this a James Bond film? Are you telling me the wing mirrors come up like that? You lift up the arm and then you pull up the wing mirror.
Why don't you just have them as permanent fixtures? Because you want it to be a sofa sometimes.
What, you drive it into your lounge when you want? LAUGHTER And can you talk us through the bit where the police pull you over.
What was he? Was he on a moped, a motor bike? No, he was in a kitchen cabinet.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE They was just there.
They was just there.
The police do just turn up sometimes.
Could I see Kevin's hands? - Whose hands? - Whose hands? - Who's Kevin? It's Francis.
LAUGHTER - Could I see the gentleman's hands? - Francis.
- Francis.
Francis, would you hold your hands up in front of you, please? There they are.
BOB: Are they the hands of a mechanic? Green suede shoes and hands like that.
ALICE: They look very soft, don't they? - They look very tender.
- They do look Thank you, Francis.
Now then, what about David's story - the bouncy castle? Yes.
When were you on a bouncy castle? Last summer, actually.
What was the occasion that had a bouncy castle? It wasn't an occasion.
It was a place.
- Where was the place? - Inflatable World.
No.
It was Blenheim Palace.
- They have a sort of children's bit - Yeah.
.
.
and one of the entertainments there is a bouncy castle.
Well, it's a bit awkward, this, cos it's happened before to you, David.
Were you on your own? No.
No.
Finally you've remembered to bring your child with you - to one of these things.
- Yes.
So you're with your daughter and your wife.
- Yes.
- And was it your real wife or your inflatable wife? Oh - It was my real wife.
- And you're bouncing on the castle I didn't initially get on the bouncy castle.
I was encouraged on by my daughter.
Right, and how much was it to go on the bouncy castle? - I can't remember.
- Have a guess.
- I think OK.
See if you're in touch with the real people out there.
I think it was £7,000.
LAUGHTER What about the castle itself? Cos I know you're a great fan of castles.
You're a historian.
How did the structure? Well, I would say it was historically laughable.
There was no recognisable keep and curtain wall situation.
And how did this make you feel? Angry, I'm imagining.
No, no, I think you're massively overestimating the extent to which I expected it to be historically accurate.
I've seen them before.
I know In many ways, I don't think it's particularly their aim to say, "Yes, this is precisely the kind of military architecture "that made Edward I such a successful king.
" I don't think that was even in the minds of the people who designed it, and I'm fine with that.
LAUGHTER So you went a bit too far.
So did you start off by bouncing normally and then justyou just got carried away? I got on the edge.
She was sort of in towards the back corner, - and I moved towards her - In a bouncing fashion.
- Well, I - You didn't think to just walk over there and start bouncing, cos you thought, "I'm a stickler for the rules.
"I better bounce cos it's a bouncing castle.
" I would say that, in trying to walk over there, I developed a more than usually bouncy gait.
- Right.
- What happens then? - Holding hands a bit.
- With your daughter? Yeah, and then bouncing, - and then we sort of bounced away from each other.
- Oh, no.
Did you have an argument? Did you bounce away from each other or did she bounce away from you when you started going, "Well, of course, this is historically inaccurate, isn't it?" II LAUGHTER "Bounce away from him! Bounce away from him!" "Try and fit a portcullis to this," I said.
Words that you don't want to hear from a fully grown man on a bouncy castle.
LAUGHTER Would you would you be willing to give us a demonstration of what you considered normal bouncing and then how it got a little bit out of hand? No, I would not.
Just the vertical bouncing.
There were no star jumps? There were no somersaults? No knee jumps? You know on the trampoline, you jump and you do a knee, - and then on - Oh, maybe that.
- .
.
knee, bum, knee, bum, knee, bum, stand.
Hang on, is that an ambulance? I didn't do knee, bum, stand.
- I might have done knee, stand.
- Really? I don't see you doing that.
Well, you weren't there.
- I certainly - That makes two of you.
I certainly LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right.
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Francis Sue's pranking pal, Jay's sofa speeder, or David's castle custodian? I mean, I've rejected Francis as a mechanic cos of his hands.
Right.
If he's got soft hands, he could work in television cos they've never done an honest day's work in their life.
There was good detail with Jay's.
Actually, I don't know if it was quality detail, but there was a lot of it.
- Do you think? - He was full of it, I'll give you that.
I don't think you can get registration plates on a sofa.
Oh, you definitely do.
You absolutely do.
- What, you can get? - Not for a sofa, no.
No.
Don't be thinking you've got to go home, Bob, and go, "Aw, right, love.
"Lee Mack told me there we've got to get number plates for the sofa.
" No.
Only if it's turned into a vehicle do you need to get You don't have to get headlights for the sofa.
- The DVLA wouldn't issue them! - Yeah, but They'd say, "Well, apply to DFS, not us.
" LAUGHTER So are you going for bouncy castle? I think David would be reluctant to get on a bouncy castle.
- I don't think - That I don't dispute.
- I don't think he's - I think David would be reluctant to just go out of the house.
- Yeah.
I'm going to go with Bob.
I think it might be Sue.
- You think it's going to be Sue? - Yeah.
- Sue! - OK.
We're going with Sue.
We're not changing our minds.
- You're saying it's Sue, yes? - Definitely Sue.
- OK.
So, Francis, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Francis, and together, Sue and I hid a body in a coffin on Brookside.
APPLAUSE Yes, Francis is Sue's pranking pal.
Thank you very much, Francis.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Bob.
"I once masterminded a daring heist on a campsite tuck shop.
" - David's team.
- OK.
- Where was the campsite? - Hexham.
What did you steal? What did you take? Jay, my memories of this are quite vague.
- I was only 15.
- OK.
- 15.
You must still remember what you took, though.
Yes, but it's like picking bits of pollen off a mouse's handkerchief.
LAUGHTER So don't get all forensic on me.
Don't ask him any questions, all right?! Just make your decision and move on.
We were invited to just believe him.
Can you just tell us what you do remember, Bob? - Not in general.
About this story.
- I remember "Oh, I remember me Aunt Jean! She were lovely!" - When her teeth fell out.
- You remember that, don't you? Her teeth fell out and there was a lot of wind.
Remember waking up in Threshers, don't you? Remember that? - So it was Hexham.
- It was Hexham.
And what sort of a campsite? Was it tents or caravans? - It was No.
Dormitories, wooden.
- Yeah.
- It's coming back.
Wow.
It's amazing.
Andit was for gifted children for the summer.
- Is that what they told you, Bob? - Yes.
People there Interesting people with different gifts.
- What was your gift? - And they were allowed to bring a friend? There was LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So there was people who were good at pottery, people good at art, people who were gifted at fencing or We're all very curious to know, Bob.
What were you good at? I was there because of my special abilities at football.
And the camp wasn't just for children who were good at football, it was for children who were good at a wide range of things.
- Gifted children.
- Right.
So you were proposed by the school or the local authority LAUGHTER It was huts in a pine forest, a place where you could canoe, - a place where you could pot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - All boys? - All boys in my dorm.
- Do you remember any of them? - I was with Pork Chops Johnson.
LAUGHTER He was called that because of a very thick layer of fat across his back.
Because this is a criminal enterprise, - I'm not using their real names.
- Oh, of course, yeah.
Was it Lamb Chop Jenkins? Lamb Chop Jenkins, he just had a thin bone sticking out the top of his head.
- So - And there was The Mole.
- The Mole? - The Mole.
They're the two people that I carried out the heist with.
Why did you decide to do this heist? - Well, it was the evening - Yeah.
.
.
and the nights had gotten quite long.
- It was a summer camp.
- Winter was drawing in, and for some reason, the gifted children hadn't been picked up.
They'd been left there to fend for themselves .
.
if among their gifts are foraging and surviving the cold.
Well, never a better equipped group of people to be abandoned.
We had archers, potters, fencers - .
.
but - Footballers.
Those are the key things you need.
If we can sort out the archery and the football, then we have a civilisation.
- So it was evening - Yeah.
- .
.
and there was a tuck shop there.
Well, it was one of the huts.
What we noticed, right, was that the tuck shop was on a slope, right? So there's an angle created, yeah? It's at an angle.
I'm not very good Right.
Say if a duck went, "Quack.
" LAUGHTER But not at the angle if it went, "Fox!" LAUGHTER So about that.
So we had, like, an end that was raised, - and they'd filled that in with stones and soil.
- Right.
So we went down there.
Oh, what happened? Well, first off, of course, The Mole removed the stones.
LAUGHTER - And then Pork Chop Johnson - Yeah.
- Yeah.
.
.
he slid in with that magnificent back.
I would have thought he's the last person to be sliding through holes.
The man with the biggest back?! Above him is floorboards.
- "Bang!" - Oh, you mean he used his back to get the floorboards up? Yeah.
Got one up, then Is that when Small-Head Bob went through? LAUGHTER - So he gets in.
- He gets in.
We heard an engine start up, so I gave out the cry, the warning.
"Wifful!" - What? - "Wifful!" - "Go, go, go.
" - Right.
- We went.
- So you heard somebody, so did you get anything? - Yeah.
- Yes.
- What did you get? A box of cereal.
- One packet of cereal.
- What did you do with it after? Well, we ate it in the dorm with everyone in the dorm.
- With everybody in the dorm.
- Did you eat it dry? Yes.
Well, we put a bit of urine on it, David.
LAUGHTER But, yes.
Yes, dry.
What do you think, David? My instinct is it's not true.
But it could be true.
I mean, it's Bob.
- I don't think it happened.
- So you think it's a lie.
I'm going to go with Sue.
I like the story, but I think it's a lie.
- I think we're going to go lie.
- You're going to say lie.
You know, I'm braced.
I'm braced for an odd experience.
So, Bob, was it the truth or was it a lie? I was telling .
.
the truth.
APPLAUSE BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team have won by four points to nil.
CHEERING Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.