Celebrity Juice (2008) s13e07 Episode Script
Keith's Birthday Party - Gino D'Acampo, Gok Wan, Professor Green, Charlotte Crosby
1 Hi.
I am Keith Lemon and these are my titles.
Plush or what? There's Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers, boys! There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful, that nearly went inside me! And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t' telly? Celebrity Juiceon t'telly.
(APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to a special Celebrity Juice.
It's special because it's my 32th birthday! (CHEERING) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Patsy.
(APPLAUSE) All right, darling.
You look Absolutely Fabulous! I feel like this is me in about 10 years.
Maybe five! Two weeks.
Patsy, who is on your team? On my right, she's a bit Geordie phwoar, it's Charlotte Crosby! (APPLAUSE) And on my left it is a superstar rapper, it's Professor Green! (APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Eddie! Eddie, who is on your team? On my left, meaning this week I'll lose, Gino D'Acampo.
(APPLAUSE) ALL: Gino! Gino! Gino! And on my right my dear friend, Gok-nam Style! (APPLAUSE) (GANGNAM STYLE) Gino.
Yes? Let's talk about your costume.
Robin.
You look Robin/Santa's little helper tonight.
(LAUGHTER)/f I made this myself.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING) Why've you got no tights on? It's summer, and I researched, and Robin in the summer doesn't wear the tights.
(LAUGHTER) You go and Goggle that.
And you will find out.
What? Goggle! He's got Wolverine's legs.
Hey, I tell you what, it's Gok Wan! (APPLAUSE) Gok, you've just done Comic Relief, the Bake Off for Comic Relief.
Yes, I did the Bake Off.
You were amazing.
You were the star Yes, I was the star baker.
Star baker! (APPLAUSE) Tell us about Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry.
Is it true they're friends with benefits? I really, honestly don't think that they are shagging.
She went to Ibiza last year and went to Pacha, Mary Berry.
She is hard-core.
She is brilliant.
She was on the podium in a bikini with a whistle.
She was voted number 73 in the latest FHM 100 sexiest women list.
Yeah, big up to the Berry! (APPLAUSE) Charlotte was number 54.
(LAUGHTER) I feel embarrassed.
Of all the things you've done, and you're embarrassed about number 54! Charlotte! (APPLAUSE) Holly, you were number 35.
Was I?! Yeah.
Yeah! That's nice.
Is all right, isn't it?! Yes, I'm sure I was number 1,080.
Fearne, actually, you weren't even in it.
I know.
You were in Men's Health magazine.
Hey! # She likes having sex, but she isn't Bill Cosby She's from Geordie Shore, it's Charlotte Crosby! (APPLAUSE) Charlotte, man, every time you come on here you look fitter and fitter.
Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't! She looks well, doesn't she? Yeah, you look gorgeous.
Thanks, thank you.
We've got a picture of you when you were a tubster.
(LAUGHTER) It was only on your tummy, wasn't it? Yeah, that's where I carried it.
You were tiny everywhere else.
Are you just breathing in on the other picture? I used to show off about my belly.
I used to get the rolls, OK? font color="#ffffff And I'd have three big rolls.
And I used to say, "Who wants to see us play the guitar?" And everyone used to love it.
I've got no party trick like that any more.
How have you done it then, Charlotte? I've got a DVD out, which is my exercise DVD.
No way, you've got a DVD out?! It's not the biggest selling fitness DVD ever, is it? It kind of is.
But all you need to know is that it outsold Frozen.
(APPLAUSE) Does Davina McCall fucking despise you? She hates my guts.
What do you think it is that has made you connect with so many women that want to lose weight then? Well, I think it's because I was bigger.
Davina was never big.
You say that, but she has got all the kids.
She had the babies.
She had a big tummy and shrinking down.
That is not easy.
Trust me! And it is Professor Green! (CHEERING) What is going down on the street? Recognise! (APPLAUSE) Let's compare your costume with the actual Mask from Jim Carrey.
Look down camera one.
Let's have a look.
(APPLAUSE) They wanted to paint my hands green, but I thought, if I go to the toilet, Millie's not really going to appreciate a green cock, is she? What colour cock does she appreciate the most? (LAUGHTER) I've got the house to myself at the moment.
Is she on holid She's gone to Ibiza for a health retreat.
Who the fuck goes to Ibiza for a health retreat?! Is it true that she's had some knickers made up that say "Stephen's Mrs" on the front? I haven't seen them.
Is it a dry time? It has been a while.
Yeah, has it? Holly, you recently had some knickers made up as well, didn't you? With someone's name on? We've got a picture.
There you are.
Keith's Mrs! Yeah Fearne's also had some knickers made up as well.
Let's have a look at this.
(LAUGHTER) I didn't know you were Jewish! Anyway, because it's my birthday, the team have decided we're gonna play my all-time favourite Celebrity Juice rounds from series gone.
Which is incredible.
I am really excited.
But I don't even know what rounds we're gonna be playing.
Neither do the teams.
What we've got these golden envelopes.
We're gonna play Pass The Envelope.
Whoever it lands on will open the envelope and tell us what the first game is.
Capisce? Capisce.
Let's play Pass the Envelope! It has landed on Gok! Here we go.
The first round is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (APPLAUSE) Yes! I've done it before.
We will start on the far side there.
Charlotte Crosby.
The subject is birthdays.
(Bal-a-oons) (Bal-a-oons) Party.
(BUZZER) Birthday cake.
Presents.
Blow the candles.
Birthday.
Sssh.
Sssh.
A roly-poly.
A roly-poly! You know when you get a stripper and you get a bigger one, they are called a roly-poly.
Do the bumps.
Do the bumps.
Pass the parcel.
(BUZZER) A hangover.
Birthday card.
Birthday card! Presents.
(APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round are Shall we play another game? Yeah! Let's Pass The Envelope.
Professor Green, what are we playing? Who Are You Kidding? (APPLAUSE) This is an oldie but goldie.
We played this game when we were back on ITV2, didn't we? We are on ITV2.
I thought this show was on ITV1 now.
Are we still on the same channel as TOWIE? What the fuck is ITV BE? Slow down! Why are we not on ITV1? We wouldn't be allowed.
Why, because I say (BLEEP) now and again? Yes! OK, because it's my birthday we're playing old school games.
We're gonna show you a VT now of some celebrity children.
I want you to give me the ID of them as adults.
Let's run the VT.
It stands for videotape.
Hello! I've got a K on my chest! What's that over there? Why have I got a man's voice? Aaaaaaaargh, my dad scares me! I've got no teeth, but I speak like Elvis.
I'm in the water, I'm blurred.
Aaaaargh! I'm in black and white, it hurts my skin! I'm gonna kill you.
When I'm older I will kill you.
Why did my parents dress me like this? I feel like a (BLEEP).
That's it.
Holly's team, how many do you think you can recognise? About one.
We've got two.
We actually got two.
Fearne's team? Four.
OK, let's go for four.
First one.
It was really hard this week.
All four, you win a point for your team.
Who is this? No idea.
I do not know if that is a girl or a boy.
Is it Renee Zellweger? Is it Renee Zellweger? Yeah.
Let's have a look.
That's correct! It just looked a bit like her.
Next one, next one.
I reckon that's Stacey Solomon.
Oh, yeah.
Ah, well done.
You are an evil wizard! This is the only thing I am good at in life.
Next one.
Who is that then? Is that ET as a baby? I think it might be Sylvester Stallone for some reason.
I was in the right ballpark! Yeah, yeah.
Next one.
Miley Cyrus! I've got my nipples out, uh-huh.
Let's have a look.
Yes! Next one.
Aaaaaaaargh! Who is it? That looks like it could be you.
Go on, have a guess, Fearne.
Eminem? Eminem.
Anybody from the audience? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robbie Williams.
Robbie Williams.
It might be, you know! Next one.
We said Jeremy Clarkson.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) Next one.
Gino thinks this might be him.
You can't remember if it is you?! I don't know.
We will say Gino.
It was Gino! That is the point to Fearne's team! (CHEERING) The scores at the end of that round are OK, we're going for an ad break.
I'm off for a pee, I'll see you in three! Coming up after the break We're about to transport your head on to another celebrity's Hoorah! Welcome back to my birthday Celebrity Juice special.
I'm 32! Hoorah! Let's play another game.
What game? I don't know.
Let's pass the golden envelope.
It's Gino D'Acampo! Can I take this envelope home? You want to take the envelope home? Guess what I'm going to play with my wife.
(CHEERING) This is In Your Face.
Or as I like to call it, the Incredible Hulk's arsehole! First up to play, Charlotte Crosby.
(APPLAUSE) I'm going to transport your head onto another celebrity body.
Now! (LAUGHTER) Ask your team questions.
They can only answer yes or no.
Er Eh? That's not a question.
Am I a female? No.
So I'm male? Yes.
Do I havehair on my head? Yes, you do.
Am I a presenter? No.
Am I a horseback rider? (LAUGHTER) Am I a fruit? I'm confused about the game.
A male fruit with hair.
(LAUGHTER) Have I got a wife? Yes.
Have I got conjunctivitis? (LAUGHTER) Famous for having conjunctivitis (BUZZER) Well, this is shit.
You're David Cameron! Am I? Yes! Oh, I fancy that one.
Charlotte Crosby, everyone.
Next up, it is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(APPLAUSE) CHANTS: Gino! Gino! I am going to transport your head onto another celebrity body now.
Boosh! Am I a man? Yes.
Ooh Am I a singer? No.
Actor? No.
You haven't got conjunctivitis either.
Just clearing that up.
Am I a TV guy? Yes.
You are on TV.
David Attenborough! (LAUGHTER) This person is the opposite No, absolutely not.
X Factor? Something to do with the X Factor? No.
But similar.
Yes or no! Britain's Got Talent? No.
Those Geordie fuckers then? No.
No! Am I from Strictly Come Dancing? Yes.
Bruce Vor-might Whatever his name is.
Bruce Marmite? It is Bruno, isn't it? AUDIENCE CHANTS: Bruno! Bruno! Next up, it's Gok Wan.
I'm going to transport your head onto a different celebrity's body now.
Oh! Oh! (LAUGHTER) Who is it? What are you doing? Oh, darling.
That's brilliant! What is it? Oh my Jesus Christ Am I male? We don't really know yet.
Yes or no! fon Female? Maybe.
So you don't know font color="#fff Nope, no.
Do I work in television? (LAUGHTER) You might do.
Gok, obviously it's summat controversial.
You are fucking rude.
(LAUGHTER) I'm a really serious fashion journalist, you bastard.
Let's give you another one.
I'm going to transport your head onto a different celebrity's body now.
(LAUGHTER) Ask questions! Am I male? No.
Am I female? Ye Am I on television? Yes.
Am I a TV presenter? No.
A musician? Yes.
Am I below the age of 30? font colo Am I above the age of 40? Yes.
Am I Madonna? Yes, baby! (APPLAUSE) Gok Wan, everyone! I've got an idea.
As it's your birthday, and you've never done this before, I think you should go up there and have a go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE CHANTS: Keith! Keith! Right, Keith, we are about to transport your head onto another celebrity's body (LAUGHTER) That is beautiful.
Am I a man? Yes.
Yes, you are.
Have I got arms? Yes.
Have I ever seen a dragon in my mind? Yes.
I reckon he has.
Do I have those hashish pipes outside those Turkish bars? Yes.
Absolutely.
Am I a Star Wars character? No.
Am I a real person? Yes.
Just about.
Am I carrying some timber? A little bit.
Am I Mick Hucknall? No.
Am I Wagner? Yes! You fuckers! The scores at the end of that round are: Shi-ting! Hey, it's time to play another game.
Let's play pass the envelope.
It's Fearne Cotton! The next game for your birthday will be Shouting One Out.
(CHEERING) It can only mean one thing.
Let's go over to Vodka Fog.
(CHEERING) Hello.
Welcome to Vodka Fog.
It is my nightclub.
I like to have a lot of celebrities here.
What we are going to do in this round, is I'm going to give you some gossip from the stalls.
That is American for shit pots.
They are going to have to pass down.
They get a point for the team if they get the gossip correct at the end.
But they have got sound-cancelling headphones on, designed by my mate Jonesy who works at NASA on a Saturday.
Let's see if they're working.
Charlotte, can you hear me?! Don't put your head through too far.
I had a silent pump! I've a feeling it might smell.
Charlotte, you look so fit these days, I would let you pump in my mouth.
(LAUGHTER) This ain't the game.
I'm just seeing if it works.
No, no, this is not the game.
It's working, it's working! OK, I'm going to give her the gossip, let's see if she can pass down.
Points for the team if they get the gossip correct.
(READS) Pass that down.
You think I don't think.
Keith thinks I'm so filthy, he needs to shit in my mouth! Shit in my mouth?! All right, all right.
That's it.
Keith thinks I'm filthy.
He wants to shit in my mouth.
That's it, that's it.
What is it? Hello.
This is not right.
Keith pinks I'm 50.
I want to shit in his mouth.
(LAUGHTER) Keith pink? Ooh, thinks! Keith thinks I'm 50, I want to shit in his mouth! All right, all right.
Headphones off.
I can tell you the actual gossip was: (READS) (LAUGHTER) So no point for Holly's team.
I'm going to go for a poo now.
I'll see you in two.
Coming up after the break: Have you got me a stripper? You bastard.
Who is it? Kelly Brook? (APPLAUSE) Hey! Welcome back to a special Celebrity Juice birthday special.
Whose birthday is it? Whose birthday is it? AUDIENCE: Yours! It's my birthday.
I'm a bit drunk, I'm having a good time.
Don't worry about it, we are in Vodka Fog(SLURS) I'm very drunk.
You know the game.
Basically, I give them some gossip which is written on the stars.
I am going to pass the gossip down, if they get it to the end, they win a point their team.
It is so simple.
Let's see if the headphones are working.
Gino! Gino! GINO! Ready? Ready.
Avengers star Robert Downey Jr walked out of an interview with Krishnan Guru-Murthy and called him a "Bottom-feeding muckraker.
" That's not very nice, is it? (AUDIENCE LAUGH) He said, "I once was on Celebrity Juice" You want cock semolina? He said, "I once was on Celebrity Juice and I got a pair of flip-flops and I sold it for a blow job.
" Trust me.
Hi.
He said, "He wants hot cock on a beach with a terrapin and a flip-flop with a blow job.
" I mean He said, "He wants Gok's cock on a beach with a terrapin, a flip-flop and a blow job.
" (APPLAUSE) This is what I actually said.
Avengers star Robert Downey Jr walked out of an interview with Krishnan Guru-Murphy and called him a "Bottom-feeding muckraker.
" That's not very nice, is it? That's impossible.
Nope.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH) No points for Fearne's team.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Back, back, back.
Well, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team - Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Keith.
You haven't had your birthday surprise yet.
Yeah, boys! Is it my stripper? Well, it's not a stripper and it's not a threesome, but it is something very lovely.
Keith, do you know what VT stands for? Videotape? Roll VT.
Yeah, boy.
Hi, Keith, it font color="#00f Happy birthday.
32? Happy birthday, lots of snogs - I mean, love.
Mwah! (SILLY 'COVERS TEETH' VOICE) Happy birthday, Keith, I hope you have a lovely night.
Lots of love.
(SMACKS LIPS) Eat up your cake, it's full of shit.
Good night, God bless.
Enjoy.
Happy birthday, Keith, I hope you are having a fabulous time.
I'm sorry I can't be there, but you know I love ya.
I love ya a lot.
Happy birthday, have a great one, lots of love.
I'll see you soon.
Bye! (TOILET GURGLES) Listen, happy birthday, mate.
Happy birthday.
Next time you are in Australia, come to Ramsey Street, visit us in Erinsborough.
Happy birthday, mate.
32nd birthday is a very important one.
You found me and I promise I'm not disappearing again.
Love you.
Keith, I just wanted to wish you a big happy birthday, mate.
I'm genuinely gutted I couldn't be with you tonight, but I am in Dubai, baby.
Look, I've got this to match your hairstyle.
Happy birthday.
Keith Lemon, happy birthday.
32 years old, you look fantastic.
32? Fuck off.
Keith Lemon! (SINGS) Happy birthday! What are you going to give him as a present? There's only one thing I can give you is a present We'd love to be there by the way, but of course you can see we are in Barbados at the moment.
That is yours.
It's got your name on it.
In fact, I'll write Keith on it in a minute.
That's still warm.
It still warm, it's sticky.
And it's been protecting this baby.
And it's pretty cold in here today as well.
And it's yours.
Knobhead! Thanks.
I am so moved.
I am so moved.
Keith, you want a snog? Let's try it, man, see what goes.
(AUDIENCE CHEER) You ready? Are you seeing someone? You.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Wow! Well, you've got to try it before you deny it.
I'm not doing an action replay, fuck off! No! He put his tongue in first.
The winning team this week on Celebrity Juice is Before you end the show, I have got a little surprise for you.
Gino, my main man, you've got me a stripper.
Come here.
Come on.
I love my life.
You've got me a stripper, you bastard.
Who is it, Kelly Brook? There you go! Yeah! (AUDIENCE CHEER) STEVIE WONDER: Happy Birthday (AUDIENCE WHOOP) Lovely to see you, lovely to see you.
Gino's Mum, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Back to business.
The winning team this week on Celebrity Juice is Fearne's team! (ALL CHEER) (APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino's first time! (AUDIENCE KEEP CHANTING) I'm Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through a window.
Cheers! # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday Happy birthday to you
I am Keith Lemon and these are my titles.
Plush or what? There's Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers, boys! There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful, that nearly went inside me! And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t' telly? Celebrity Juiceon t'telly.
(APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to a special Celebrity Juice.
It's special because it's my 32th birthday! (CHEERING) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Patsy.
(APPLAUSE) All right, darling.
You look Absolutely Fabulous! I feel like this is me in about 10 years.
Maybe five! Two weeks.
Patsy, who is on your team? On my right, she's a bit Geordie phwoar, it's Charlotte Crosby! (APPLAUSE) And on my left it is a superstar rapper, it's Professor Green! (APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Eddie! Eddie, who is on your team? On my left, meaning this week I'll lose, Gino D'Acampo.
(APPLAUSE) ALL: Gino! Gino! Gino! And on my right my dear friend, Gok-nam Style! (APPLAUSE) (GANGNAM STYLE) Gino.
Yes? Let's talk about your costume.
Robin.
You look Robin/Santa's little helper tonight.
(LAUGHTER)/f I made this myself.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING) Why've you got no tights on? It's summer, and I researched, and Robin in the summer doesn't wear the tights.
(LAUGHTER) You go and Goggle that.
And you will find out.
What? Goggle! He's got Wolverine's legs.
Hey, I tell you what, it's Gok Wan! (APPLAUSE) Gok, you've just done Comic Relief, the Bake Off for Comic Relief.
Yes, I did the Bake Off.
You were amazing.
You were the star Yes, I was the star baker.
Star baker! (APPLAUSE) Tell us about Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry.
Is it true they're friends with benefits? I really, honestly don't think that they are shagging.
She went to Ibiza last year and went to Pacha, Mary Berry.
She is hard-core.
She is brilliant.
She was on the podium in a bikini with a whistle.
She was voted number 73 in the latest FHM 100 sexiest women list.
Yeah, big up to the Berry! (APPLAUSE) Charlotte was number 54.
(LAUGHTER) I feel embarrassed.
Of all the things you've done, and you're embarrassed about number 54! Charlotte! (APPLAUSE) Holly, you were number 35.
Was I?! Yeah.
Yeah! That's nice.
Is all right, isn't it?! Yes, I'm sure I was number 1,080.
Fearne, actually, you weren't even in it.
I know.
You were in Men's Health magazine.
Hey! # She likes having sex, but she isn't Bill Cosby She's from Geordie Shore, it's Charlotte Crosby! (APPLAUSE) Charlotte, man, every time you come on here you look fitter and fitter.
Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't! She looks well, doesn't she? Yeah, you look gorgeous.
Thanks, thank you.
We've got a picture of you when you were a tubster.
(LAUGHTER) It was only on your tummy, wasn't it? Yeah, that's where I carried it.
You were tiny everywhere else.
Are you just breathing in on the other picture? I used to show off about my belly.
I used to get the rolls, OK? font color="#ffffff And I'd have three big rolls.
And I used to say, "Who wants to see us play the guitar?" And everyone used to love it.
I've got no party trick like that any more.
How have you done it then, Charlotte? I've got a DVD out, which is my exercise DVD.
No way, you've got a DVD out?! It's not the biggest selling fitness DVD ever, is it? It kind of is.
But all you need to know is that it outsold Frozen.
(APPLAUSE) Does Davina McCall fucking despise you? She hates my guts.
What do you think it is that has made you connect with so many women that want to lose weight then? Well, I think it's because I was bigger.
Davina was never big.
You say that, but she has got all the kids.
She had the babies.
She had a big tummy and shrinking down.
That is not easy.
Trust me! And it is Professor Green! (CHEERING) What is going down on the street? Recognise! (APPLAUSE) Let's compare your costume with the actual Mask from Jim Carrey.
Look down camera one.
Let's have a look.
(APPLAUSE) They wanted to paint my hands green, but I thought, if I go to the toilet, Millie's not really going to appreciate a green cock, is she? What colour cock does she appreciate the most? (LAUGHTER) I've got the house to myself at the moment.
Is she on holid She's gone to Ibiza for a health retreat.
Who the fuck goes to Ibiza for a health retreat?! Is it true that she's had some knickers made up that say "Stephen's Mrs" on the front? I haven't seen them.
Is it a dry time? It has been a while.
Yeah, has it? Holly, you recently had some knickers made up as well, didn't you? With someone's name on? We've got a picture.
There you are.
Keith's Mrs! Yeah Fearne's also had some knickers made up as well.
Let's have a look at this.
(LAUGHTER) I didn't know you were Jewish! Anyway, because it's my birthday, the team have decided we're gonna play my all-time favourite Celebrity Juice rounds from series gone.
Which is incredible.
I am really excited.
But I don't even know what rounds we're gonna be playing.
Neither do the teams.
What we've got these golden envelopes.
We're gonna play Pass The Envelope.
Whoever it lands on will open the envelope and tell us what the first game is.
Capisce? Capisce.
Let's play Pass the Envelope! It has landed on Gok! Here we go.
The first round is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (APPLAUSE) Yes! I've done it before.
We will start on the far side there.
Charlotte Crosby.
The subject is birthdays.
(Bal-a-oons) (Bal-a-oons) Party.
(BUZZER) Birthday cake.
Presents.
Blow the candles.
Birthday.
Sssh.
Sssh.
A roly-poly.
A roly-poly! You know when you get a stripper and you get a bigger one, they are called a roly-poly.
Do the bumps.
Do the bumps.
Pass the parcel.
(BUZZER) A hangover.
Birthday card.
Birthday card! Presents.
(APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round are Shall we play another game? Yeah! Let's Pass The Envelope.
Professor Green, what are we playing? Who Are You Kidding? (APPLAUSE) This is an oldie but goldie.
We played this game when we were back on ITV2, didn't we? We are on ITV2.
I thought this show was on ITV1 now.
Are we still on the same channel as TOWIE? What the fuck is ITV BE? Slow down! Why are we not on ITV1? We wouldn't be allowed.
Why, because I say (BLEEP) now and again? Yes! OK, because it's my birthday we're playing old school games.
We're gonna show you a VT now of some celebrity children.
I want you to give me the ID of them as adults.
Let's run the VT.
It stands for videotape.
Hello! I've got a K on my chest! What's that over there? Why have I got a man's voice? Aaaaaaaargh, my dad scares me! I've got no teeth, but I speak like Elvis.
I'm in the water, I'm blurred.
Aaaaargh! I'm in black and white, it hurts my skin! I'm gonna kill you.
When I'm older I will kill you.
Why did my parents dress me like this? I feel like a (BLEEP).
That's it.
Holly's team, how many do you think you can recognise? About one.
We've got two.
We actually got two.
Fearne's team? Four.
OK, let's go for four.
First one.
It was really hard this week.
All four, you win a point for your team.
Who is this? No idea.
I do not know if that is a girl or a boy.
Is it Renee Zellweger? Is it Renee Zellweger? Yeah.
Let's have a look.
That's correct! It just looked a bit like her.
Next one, next one.
I reckon that's Stacey Solomon.
Oh, yeah.
Ah, well done.
You are an evil wizard! This is the only thing I am good at in life.
Next one.
Who is that then? Is that ET as a baby? I think it might be Sylvester Stallone for some reason.
I was in the right ballpark! Yeah, yeah.
Next one.
Miley Cyrus! I've got my nipples out, uh-huh.
Let's have a look.
Yes! Next one.
Aaaaaaaargh! Who is it? That looks like it could be you.
Go on, have a guess, Fearne.
Eminem? Eminem.
Anybody from the audience? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robbie Williams.
Robbie Williams.
It might be, you know! Next one.
We said Jeremy Clarkson.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) Next one.
Gino thinks this might be him.
You can't remember if it is you?! I don't know.
We will say Gino.
It was Gino! That is the point to Fearne's team! (CHEERING) The scores at the end of that round are OK, we're going for an ad break.
I'm off for a pee, I'll see you in three! Coming up after the break We're about to transport your head on to another celebrity's Hoorah! Welcome back to my birthday Celebrity Juice special.
I'm 32! Hoorah! Let's play another game.
What game? I don't know.
Let's pass the golden envelope.
It's Gino D'Acampo! Can I take this envelope home? You want to take the envelope home? Guess what I'm going to play with my wife.
(CHEERING) This is In Your Face.
Or as I like to call it, the Incredible Hulk's arsehole! First up to play, Charlotte Crosby.
(APPLAUSE) I'm going to transport your head onto another celebrity body.
Now! (LAUGHTER) Ask your team questions.
They can only answer yes or no.
Er Eh? That's not a question.
Am I a female? No.
So I'm male? Yes.
Do I havehair on my head? Yes, you do.
Am I a presenter? No.
Am I a horseback rider? (LAUGHTER) Am I a fruit? I'm confused about the game.
A male fruit with hair.
(LAUGHTER) Have I got a wife? Yes.
Have I got conjunctivitis? (LAUGHTER) Famous for having conjunctivitis (BUZZER) Well, this is shit.
You're David Cameron! Am I? Yes! Oh, I fancy that one.
Charlotte Crosby, everyone.
Next up, it is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(APPLAUSE) CHANTS: Gino! Gino! I am going to transport your head onto another celebrity body now.
Boosh! Am I a man? Yes.
Ooh Am I a singer? No.
Actor? No.
You haven't got conjunctivitis either.
Just clearing that up.
Am I a TV guy? Yes.
You are on TV.
David Attenborough! (LAUGHTER) This person is the opposite No, absolutely not.
X Factor? Something to do with the X Factor? No.
But similar.
Yes or no! Britain's Got Talent? No.
Those Geordie fuckers then? No.
No! Am I from Strictly Come Dancing? Yes.
Bruce Vor-might Whatever his name is.
Bruce Marmite? It is Bruno, isn't it? AUDIENCE CHANTS: Bruno! Bruno! Next up, it's Gok Wan.
I'm going to transport your head onto a different celebrity's body now.
Oh! Oh! (LAUGHTER) Who is it? What are you doing? Oh, darling.
That's brilliant! What is it? Oh my Jesus Christ Am I male? We don't really know yet.
Yes or no! fon Female? Maybe.
So you don't know font color="#fff Nope, no.
Do I work in television? (LAUGHTER) You might do.
Gok, obviously it's summat controversial.
You are fucking rude.
(LAUGHTER) I'm a really serious fashion journalist, you bastard.
Let's give you another one.
I'm going to transport your head onto a different celebrity's body now.
(LAUGHTER) Ask questions! Am I male? No.
Am I female? Ye Am I on television? Yes.
Am I a TV presenter? No.
A musician? Yes.
Am I below the age of 30? font colo Am I above the age of 40? Yes.
Am I Madonna? Yes, baby! (APPLAUSE) Gok Wan, everyone! I've got an idea.
As it's your birthday, and you've never done this before, I think you should go up there and have a go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE CHANTS: Keith! Keith! Right, Keith, we are about to transport your head onto another celebrity's body (LAUGHTER) That is beautiful.
Am I a man? Yes.
Yes, you are.
Have I got arms? Yes.
Have I ever seen a dragon in my mind? Yes.
I reckon he has.
Do I have those hashish pipes outside those Turkish bars? Yes.
Absolutely.
Am I a Star Wars character? No.
Am I a real person? Yes.
Just about.
Am I carrying some timber? A little bit.
Am I Mick Hucknall? No.
Am I Wagner? Yes! You fuckers! The scores at the end of that round are: Shi-ting! Hey, it's time to play another game.
Let's play pass the envelope.
It's Fearne Cotton! The next game for your birthday will be Shouting One Out.
(CHEERING) It can only mean one thing.
Let's go over to Vodka Fog.
(CHEERING) Hello.
Welcome to Vodka Fog.
It is my nightclub.
I like to have a lot of celebrities here.
What we are going to do in this round, is I'm going to give you some gossip from the stalls.
That is American for shit pots.
They are going to have to pass down.
They get a point for the team if they get the gossip correct at the end.
But they have got sound-cancelling headphones on, designed by my mate Jonesy who works at NASA on a Saturday.
Let's see if they're working.
Charlotte, can you hear me?! Don't put your head through too far.
I had a silent pump! I've a feeling it might smell.
Charlotte, you look so fit these days, I would let you pump in my mouth.
(LAUGHTER) This ain't the game.
I'm just seeing if it works.
No, no, this is not the game.
It's working, it's working! OK, I'm going to give her the gossip, let's see if she can pass down.
Points for the team if they get the gossip correct.
(READS) Pass that down.
You think I don't think.
Keith thinks I'm so filthy, he needs to shit in my mouth! Shit in my mouth?! All right, all right.
That's it.
Keith thinks I'm filthy.
He wants to shit in my mouth.
That's it, that's it.
What is it? Hello.
This is not right.
Keith pinks I'm 50.
I want to shit in his mouth.
(LAUGHTER) Keith pink? Ooh, thinks! Keith thinks I'm 50, I want to shit in his mouth! All right, all right.
Headphones off.
I can tell you the actual gossip was: (READS) (LAUGHTER) So no point for Holly's team.
I'm going to go for a poo now.
I'll see you in two.
Coming up after the break: Have you got me a stripper? You bastard.
Who is it? Kelly Brook? (APPLAUSE) Hey! Welcome back to a special Celebrity Juice birthday special.
Whose birthday is it? Whose birthday is it? AUDIENCE: Yours! It's my birthday.
I'm a bit drunk, I'm having a good time.
Don't worry about it, we are in Vodka Fog(SLURS) I'm very drunk.
You know the game.
Basically, I give them some gossip which is written on the stars.
I am going to pass the gossip down, if they get it to the end, they win a point their team.
It is so simple.
Let's see if the headphones are working.
Gino! Gino! GINO! Ready? Ready.
Avengers star Robert Downey Jr walked out of an interview with Krishnan Guru-Murthy and called him a "Bottom-feeding muckraker.
" That's not very nice, is it? (AUDIENCE LAUGH) He said, "I once was on Celebrity Juice" You want cock semolina? He said, "I once was on Celebrity Juice and I got a pair of flip-flops and I sold it for a blow job.
" Trust me.
Hi.
He said, "He wants hot cock on a beach with a terrapin and a flip-flop with a blow job.
" I mean He said, "He wants Gok's cock on a beach with a terrapin, a flip-flop and a blow job.
" (APPLAUSE) This is what I actually said.
Avengers star Robert Downey Jr walked out of an interview with Krishnan Guru-Murphy and called him a "Bottom-feeding muckraker.
" That's not very nice, is it? That's impossible.
Nope.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH) No points for Fearne's team.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Back, back, back.
Well, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team - Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Keith.
You haven't had your birthday surprise yet.
Yeah, boys! Is it my stripper? Well, it's not a stripper and it's not a threesome, but it is something very lovely.
Keith, do you know what VT stands for? Videotape? Roll VT.
Yeah, boy.
Hi, Keith, it font color="#00f Happy birthday.
32? Happy birthday, lots of snogs - I mean, love.
Mwah! (SILLY 'COVERS TEETH' VOICE) Happy birthday, Keith, I hope you have a lovely night.
Lots of love.
(SMACKS LIPS) Eat up your cake, it's full of shit.
Good night, God bless.
Enjoy.
Happy birthday, Keith, I hope you are having a fabulous time.
I'm sorry I can't be there, but you know I love ya.
I love ya a lot.
Happy birthday, have a great one, lots of love.
I'll see you soon.
Bye! (TOILET GURGLES) Listen, happy birthday, mate.
Happy birthday.
Next time you are in Australia, come to Ramsey Street, visit us in Erinsborough.
Happy birthday, mate.
32nd birthday is a very important one.
You found me and I promise I'm not disappearing again.
Love you.
Keith, I just wanted to wish you a big happy birthday, mate.
I'm genuinely gutted I couldn't be with you tonight, but I am in Dubai, baby.
Look, I've got this to match your hairstyle.
Happy birthday.
Keith Lemon, happy birthday.
32 years old, you look fantastic.
32? Fuck off.
Keith Lemon! (SINGS) Happy birthday! What are you going to give him as a present? There's only one thing I can give you is a present We'd love to be there by the way, but of course you can see we are in Barbados at the moment.
That is yours.
It's got your name on it.
In fact, I'll write Keith on it in a minute.
That's still warm.
It still warm, it's sticky.
And it's been protecting this baby.
And it's pretty cold in here today as well.
And it's yours.
Knobhead! Thanks.
I am so moved.
I am so moved.
Keith, you want a snog? Let's try it, man, see what goes.
(AUDIENCE CHEER) You ready? Are you seeing someone? You.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Wow! Well, you've got to try it before you deny it.
I'm not doing an action replay, fuck off! No! He put his tongue in first.
The winning team this week on Celebrity Juice is Before you end the show, I have got a little surprise for you.
Gino, my main man, you've got me a stripper.
Come here.
Come on.
I love my life.
You've got me a stripper, you bastard.
Who is it, Kelly Brook? There you go! Yeah! (AUDIENCE CHEER) STEVIE WONDER: Happy Birthday (AUDIENCE WHOOP) Lovely to see you, lovely to see you.
Gino's Mum, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Back to business.
The winning team this week on Celebrity Juice is Fearne's team! (ALL CHEER) (APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino's first time! (AUDIENCE KEEP CHANTING) I'm Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through a window.
Cheers! # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday Happy birthday to you