It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e07 Episode Script

1 - This is slow shit.
- - CHARLIE: Is it? 'Cause mine's - - going super slow, too.
Yeah.
- Really? I heard if you just do the new software update, - then everything moves faster.
- Oh, there's a new update? - Yeah, yeah.
Just go to settings.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
Is that the little gear thing? - And then Yep.
And then just click update.
How long's it gonna take? Uh, says 30 minutes.
- What? - What?! - What? What are we gonna do without our phones for 30 minutes? - (sighs) - We don't need the phones.
Maybe Oh.
What if we just kick back and remember some of the good old days? No.
What? No, no, no, no.
Come on, what are you talking about? Look, we can think of something to do.
- I don't know, it does sound kind of fun.
- That's what you do when you start getting old.
You know, you start reliving the glory days 'cause you can't think of anything new to do.
Do you remember the time that I sewed myself into the couch naked? - Uh, yes.
Remember? - DENNIS: Oh.
- (Frank gasping) - Oh, great, now you've - (all groaning) - Oh, what in the hell? - DENNIS: Oh, Jesus Christ! - Oh, God! Oh, God! - Oh, no.
- What is happening? Can't breathe.
- Too hot.
- Why are you naked, Frank? - It was too hot.
Leather couch.
- Okay.
But did you hear? - She called you an asshole.
- She called you an asshole, Frank.
No air.
No air.
- Air! Air! - God! (Frank groans) - - (all laugh) I was running down the street.
I was, I was naked.
I didn't feel the cold.
I-I was just sweating bullets.
- You were soaking.
- DEE: Slimy.
And the way you tell that, it's like I was there.
- And I was not there.
I was not there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- DENNIS: We were there, and it was like that.
- Hey, guys.
Yeah, we were there.
Guys, guys, uh, what about this memory? - (Spanish accent): Uh, hola, estúpidos.
- (Dennis laughs) - What is that? What is that from? - What are you doing? Um, can I ask you a question? - I - CHARLIE: You're just doing a bad accent? - What, what? - That's not No? -MAC: Yeah.
- That's not really a memory.
- You're remembering the time you burned a Mexican's house down? - No, no, not that one.
I was doing a character.
- Oh.
I was thinking we could remember all my hilarious characters - that I've created.
- You've never had any.
Now, hang on a second.
You've created characters? What are you talking about? (Taiwanese accent): Y-You don't remember Taiwan Tammy? - Oh! Oh, my goodness.
- Oh! You can't do that.
- We decided that isn't funny anymore.
- CHARLIE: You can't - No, that's right.
- As a society.
- DEE: All right.
Well, what about my Saint Patrick's Day? The (Irish accent): I'm Crazy Pad - (grunts) - FRANK: Oh.
- (all laugh) - Oh! Yes! - FRANK: Oh, wow.
That was hilarious.
- (whoops) Wow.
- That was funny.
- Ow! - Ooh, ooh, guys! I got an idea.
- Ooh! Why don't we remember all the times - that Dee's gotten hurt.
- DEE: No.
What? What? I'm not doing that, okay? No.
I-It's too late.
I'm already remembering it.
- (grunts) - (car alarm beeping) Holy shi (screams) DEE: I found the kittens.
Oh, come on! - (screaming) - (cat meows) - (Mac grunting) - (groans) - I wanted to, uh - (audience gasps) (farting) Oh.
Upsy-daisy.
(laughs) (men laughing) You guys are exaggerating.
You weren't even there for half of that.
It's just how we remember it, Dee.
I mean You can't, you can't beat physical comedy memories.
- They're timeless.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you know what? Let's remember all, like, the classic times.
- You know, like, the best of the best.
- FRANK: Yeah.
Ho ho ho ho.
Well, hello, and Merry Christmas.
So, where's your little one? Oh.
Ho ho ho ho.
You're a big boy, aren't you? (laughs) Uh, is he (bleep)? I got this one.
So, son, what would you like for Christmas? Huh? Did you fuck my mom? What? Did you fuck my mom? What do you mean? I, uh Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? - Mm-mm.
- Did you fuck my mom? - No, I - Did you fuck her? - No, I - Did you fuck my fucking mom? Did you fuck my mom, Santa?! (screams) He's biting my neck! Wait, you're gonna kill him! - He's biting my neck! - You're gonna kill Santa Claus! Brakes.
No.
Guys, why aren't the brakes working? Because I cut the brakes.
Wild card, bitches! Yee-haw! - What? Charlie! - What?! - Seriously? What?! - Abort! Abort! Abort! You want to maybe put this divider up? Well, no.
We don't want to exclude a great man like Frank - from the conversa (retches) - (screaming) Oh, my God! - Call 911! - (coughs) Oh, no, it's okay.
I have a touch of consumption.
- (screaming continues) - (coughs) - That seems really dark.
- No, no, it's not dark.
- You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Okay? - I-I - I think I am.
- Yeah, you are.
Because if the girl said no, then the answer, - obviously, is no.
- No.
- Right.
- But the thing is is she's not gonna say no.
She would never say no because of the implication.
Now, you you've said that word "implication" a couple of times.
W-What implication? The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me.
Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, - but she's thinking that they will.
- Are you gonna hurt women? - I'm not gonna hurt these women.
- Oh, okay.
- Why would I ever hurt these women? - I don't know.
- I feel like you're not getting this at all.
- I'm not getting it.
I am gonna punch a hole through your face.
I'd like to see you try that.
I don't feel we're reading as eagles.
No, bro.
We look like assholes.
They didn't turn out the way that I had envisioned.
I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.
Oh, hey, Dee.
(caws) You know, you and me palling around.
Getting nuts.
Doing crazy I'm not doing any kind of things that you want me to do with you, Uncle Jack.
And action.
I'll read the words you wrote.
"Hello, fellow American.
"This you should vote me.
"I leave power.
Good.
Thank you.
" Thank you.
"Taxes, they'll be lower son.
"The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia, so do.
" I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes - directly into that wall.
- Mm-hmm.
MAC: The last possible second, we jump out to safety, and we're dead to the world.
Okeydokey.
Good luck with that.
Wait, where are you going, dude? Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna watch you do it.
- No, we need to do it together.
- I'm not really doing anything.
Well, yes, you are, Charlie.
You're here for moral support - on top of that.
- I know, but if no one's actually seeing us jump out of the car, whatever, it's not exciting.
Well, it's We're gonna kill ourselves together.
- I'm gonna watch you.
All right.
- Get out, get out, get out! I'll do it myself.
Get out! The whole thing's really better without me anyway, Mac.
I'm telling you, it's gonna be great without me.
- All right, buddy, good luck.
- Pussy.
(engine revving) (Charlie screams) (screams) Mac? Holy shit, dude! - Are you all right? - Yeah.
- Why didn't you jump out? - I'm okay.
Freedom - Hold on to my freedom - (whooping) My freedom You've got to give for what you take - (yelling) - Freedom Freedom (guttural yelling) Hey, dude, I can't I-I can't I can't do any of this shit anymore.
- Okay? I'm I'm leaving.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, hold on a second.
You can't just leave.
- Dennis.
- Yeah, dude.
What-what about us? I mean, what about what about the bar? Good-bye, Paddy's Pub.
Good-bye, Philadelphia.
Good-bye, Charlie.
Mac, Dee, Frank.
The bar is done.
Good-bye, Philadelphia.
Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.
What? - What the hell was that? - DEE: Yeah.
What was that? I am not an ostrich.
Yeah.
No, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the last memory where Mac turned the lights off to the bar.
Yeah, what about it? Well, that never happened.
I-I turned the lights off.
No, that's not how I remember it.
No, Mac, that's not what happened.
- Yeah, thank you, Dee.
- Pretty sure I turned the lights off.
Oh, right.
Yes, it was you, and then I flipped them back on.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I was like, "No! Get him out here.
- Let him go.
" - Yeah, actually, we did a great bit.
We're like Ah, ah-ah-ah, ah, ah, ah.
No, no.
Wait, wait.
No, guys.
No, remember? I quit the bar, I moved to North Dakota, and I shut the lights off.
Wait.
You went to North Dakota? I don't remember Dennis leaving.
Wait.
No.
Goddamn it.
Come on, guys.
The Look, this is how it went down, okay? Good-bye, Paddy's Pub.
Good-bye, Philadelphia.
Good-bye, Charlie.
Mac, Dee, Frank.
The bar is done.
- So, go! - Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! - Stop sucking and go.
- Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da - Stop sucking and go.
- (scat singing) Stop sucking and go.
- So was, uh sneaking that - No.
- Yeah.
I told you.
Yeah, wasn't that good? - Yeah, right.
Okay, now, see, now you're infecting my memory with your memory, and I can't even remember my own life correctly.
- Yeah.
- I think you are remembering it right.
- Yeah.
- It was a pretty good pick now that I remember it.
Guys, no, can we not do this? Can we not start messing with each other's memories? Okay? Distorting facts, like, basically changes history.
You know what? It's like fake news, you know? And then, all of a sudden, nobody knows what the truth is, and facts don't matter.
Guys, it's a slippery slope.
Okay, okay, you know what? Fine.
Let's try to remember something we all know for sure happened like, um like The Nightman Cometh.
- What the hell was that? - Huh? - What was that? - Oh, I'm just remembering when I-I told Mac I was gonna cut the song.
Right, but why was that memory in a different language? Oh, shit.
You know what's happening? All right, now I'm getting confused, 'cause I was remembering the time that I spoke Chinese, so - You never spoke Chinese.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
They gave me a magic pill, and I learned it, - and I speak it fluently.
- No.
- Mm, no, they didn't.
- Mm-mm.
- DENNIS: Uh, no, buddy.
Oh, by the way, we're getting way off track here.
- What-what is happening? - Yeah.
Oh, why don't we remember all the times that somebody didn't know what was happening.
A business opportunity as rare as the albani berries themselves.
What's happening? (groans) What is happening? "His name was Dennis.
" - I'm-I'm sorry.
What is happ? - Silence.
- What is happening? - We don't know.
- Come on now! - (woman moaning) - What is happening? - What is happening?! DENNIS: Reliving old memories is so fun.
MAC: I'm having a blast.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, guys, I got one I think we can all remember the contest.
- Oh, the contest.
- The contest.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
(Seinfeld theme music plays) Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well, where's my money? Who caved? - Not me.
- Not me.
- No.
- Hmm.
What are you guys looking at? Oh, there's a naked woman across the street.
(Dee laughs) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made.
So my friend Joyce is teaching an exercise class.
I think I'm gonna go tonight.
Uh, the waitress should have taken it back.
So then, um, I got a call this morning.
You know, I was, uh I was chosen to go on the space shuttle.
We're going to Mars.
- Uh-huh.
- FRANK: Have a good time.
I'm out! - (all laughing) - That was, like, one of the best memories of all time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well, yeah, it's a classic really, and - Yeah.
- It was so Jewish.
Really.
- Yeah, uh Yeah, it is.
It is.
The only thing is, though, is that that wasn't us.
What are you talking about? Of course it was us.
We just - They just - Yeah, the whole We're in the apartment.
Yeah, I'm forgetting.
When did we live in New York City? - God, when was that? - MAC: Oh.
Oh, uh - It was like mid-'90s, right? - '90s, yeah.
- Early '90s.
- Early '90s? Is that right? Yeah, when we were in high school? - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- CHARLIE: Were we? And-and-and who were those people laughing? Fans.
- Oh, the fans.
- The fans.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- The fans? - FRANK: Fans.
- The fans.
Guys You guys are remembering an episode of Seinfeld.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! - That's it.
- That's what it is.
- Whoa.
- That's what it is.
- Yeah.
- Memories are tricky.
- Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, but when we saw that episode, - we had our own contest.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
No.
- That's what it is.
- That's right.
- We did that contest.
- That's what you were trying to remember.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We had our own contest, except ours was to see who could masturbate the most in a 24-hour period.
Yeah, that, uh that-that landed us in the hospital.
Your penises have suffered severe abrasions.
The skin has been all but removed from the organs.
I've I've never seen anything like it.
And my vagina? I'm afraid it's been, uh - obliterated.
- FRANK: Yeah.
No.
no, no, no.
You guys are doing it again.
You're misremembering.
Okay, that's that is not how that went down, okay? And that doctor he That's not even a real doctor.
That guy was like a figment of my imagination from when we got stuck in the convenience store.
Well, then you must have described it to me perfectly, - because I remember the dude.
- Yeah, well, look, you can't do this, okay? Every time you misremember something, like, run the risk of altering reality.
- Altering reality? - Yeah, uh, yes.
I'm just say I'm saying, like, how you remember something sort of, like, becomes reality.
You're saying I can change reality.
Yeah, well, no, I'm not saying No, it doesn't change reality.
Reality is reality.
I'm just saying it becomes your reality.
Charlie? I wanted to talk to you about the other night.
Oh.
Cool.
Wh-Which night, though? 'Cause there's been a lot of nights.
The night we had sex.
- Oh, that night.
- Yeah.
That was that was a great night.
It was.
And I'm pregnant.
Wow, like is it mine? Yep.
- Huh.
- Okay, I have I have so many problems with that.
Come on, man, I'm just trying to, like, remember, like, something about the waitress so I can alter my reality.
You get it.
Like, having a baby, being back together.
Then again, that-that's not remembering, that's just making stuff up.
Also, I have a problem with how you were attempting to remember, you know, the way you were just watching yourself watch yourself through the door, like the like the Ghost of Christmas Past or something.
Well, that's just how everyone remembers.
- Mm-mm.
- No, no, it's not.
- Nobody does.
But it doesn't matter anyway, because it's not like he can change reality, right? Charlie? Give me a hand with this kid, would you? His diaper smells like a homeless man took a dump in it.
Oh, shit, that's a baby.
Wait, wait, wait.
What the hell is this? Holy shit, it worked! I did it! I did it! - Charlie! Come on! - I'm coming.
Geez, I'm carrying, like, a million things.
- Whoa! Oh! What the hell? - Two Charlies? Well, it's not like the baby's gonna drop dead just 'cause I'm two seconds behind you coming into the bar.
Wait a second.
Maybe by watching yourself watch yourself, you created two Charlies? That's not good.
Hey! Hey, you, man! Look, that-that's my girl.
That's my kid.
You got to get out of here, dude.
Oh, my God, there's two of you? Okay, well, one of you has to change this baby's diaper, 'cause I need to go get drunk.
Are you gonna Oh, dude.
Thanks a lot, man.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why is your voice so high? My voice is high? I'm the one with the normal voice.
You're the one with the high voice, dude.
(high-pitched): I have a high voice? You're telling me I have a high voice? (higher): Yeah, your voice is crazy sounding! (higher): Are you kidding me? - Oh, it's hearing itself.
- Do you even hear yourself, bro? This is bizarre.
Look, it doesn't matter, man.
You got to get lost, all right? - There can only be one of us.
- Oh, please, please let me get lost.
You know what? Take the kid, take the girl.
I'll go back to living with Frank, 'cause I miss him.
Aw.
Charlie, that is so nice.
I miss you, too.
Wait, wait, wait, this isn't right, this isn't right.
We must not be back in reality.
We must still be in somebody's memory.
- Oh, yeah? Like whose? - Like whose? - Don't copy me.
- I don't know.
Wait.
(sighs) Frank, why do you have hair? - I've always had hair.
- Bullshit, Frank.
You have n You know what, we're in his head right now.
That's why Charlie 2 was talking about wanting to go back to living with him.
It's insane; Charlie already went back to living with me.
- We're not in my head.
- Oh, yeah? - Nah.
Uh-uh.
- Then why are your legs so long? My legs have always been long.
It's a burden being tall.
Ah, bullshit, Frank.
We're in your head.
Get us out of there.
Come on, man.
- Ah - Ah, yeah.
Oh, you couldn't let me have that memory? No, Frank, because it wasn't a memory, it was a fantasy.
I liked the two me's.
That was a really cool angle, though.
- That was good.
- Yeah, okay, fine, but th Can we not go there, please? All right? For Christ's sakes, we can't even just sit around having memories without things getting out of hand.
Well, at least we're not being lazy, right? We're coming up - with new stuff.
- Yeah, all right, all right, okay, let's stop, okay? We-we had our fun, now we're back to reality, a-and let's just, I'd like to keep it that way, so - Yeah, software update's almost done anyway.
- Oh, nice.
Okay, good, well Wait.
- Dee.
- What? Where's your cut? What cut? The giant, gaping cut that was-was just on your forehead.
- Where is it? - Oh.
I don't I don't know.
Is she changing reality? I don't know.
I don't know what it means, okay? But I do know that we're not back in the real reality, and that's not good.
Wait a second.
Are we not? Like, are you sure she actually fell, that that actually happened? I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, this is so disorienting.
I don't know.
- Dee, snap us back.
- I can't.
I'm trying.
All right, all right, wha-what if it's not that much different? You know? Like, what if this reality, the only difference is that Dee doesn't have a cut on her head? - Is that that big of a deal? - Yes, it's a big deal.
You're talking about never knowing which reality you're living in.
Okay, you know what? We need to, we need to orient ourselves.
Um Frank.
- Yeah? - Are you tall and handsome with a full head of hair? I like to think so, but no.
No.
Good.
Okay, so, Charlie, is the waitress in love with you? Aw, I had her for a minute, but no.
Great.
Uh, Dee, are you a successful actress? Oh, I could have been.
Dee, be serious! Yes or no? - No.
- Yeah.
Mac, um, are you my roommate? - No, of course not.
- Oh! - Okay, well, so there it is.
- There we go.
- All right, Mac, it's clearly you - Oh.
so snap us out of it, man.
No.
W-We're not in my head.
I swear.
Yes, we are, man.
We're in your head.
You're trying to alter reality.
Dude, if we were in my head, why would I not want you to be my roommate? But - Ah - Oh, I get it.
- Wait a minute.
Dennis, we're in your head, aren't we? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
No.
Why would we be in my head? Dennis, everyone knows that the most annoying person - in the world is Mac.
- Huh? So why would you ever want to live with him? No, that's not I No, he's great as a roommate.
- Is he great? - Yeah, he's great.
Name one way.
Yeah, easy.
He, um - Oh, your head, yeah! So yeah.
- Okay, fine, damn it, I was trying to, yeah, get rid of him.
So you don't like living with me, Dennis? Oh, no, I (scoffs) no, I love having a roommate who spends three hours a day on a dildo bike.
Guys, see, this is, this is why I didn't want to do this.
You know? No good can come of it.
- It doesn't feel good.
- It has been kind of messy, like, you know, it's been confusing, for sure.
So let's just we just so now we just got to make sure - we're-we're back in reality.
- Yeah, but how do you ever know - if you're in reality? - You know what? I think I got a top here under the bar.
Yeah, I do.
I do.
- A top under the bar? - Top? What do you do with a top? - So? Well, a top.
Didn't you guys see the movie Inception? You know, they spin the top, and see, the thing is, if we aren't in reality, then the top will just spin forever.
But if it wobbles and falls, then you know you're back in reality.
- Should we give it a spin? - Yeah, let's do it.
-Sure.
Let's see.
Seems like that's gonna go for a while, though.
It does, it seems like it's gonna - Gave it a hell of a spin there.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Well, it's a good, it's a quality top.
- (phones chiming) - Oh.
- Oh, our phones are updated.
- Oh, for real? - Oh! - There we go! - Oh, sweet! - Ah - Finally.
- Um Thank God we're back to normal.
(trio chanting backwards)