Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e07 Episode Script
Tom Allen, Geoff Norcott, Vicki Pepperdine, Esme Young
APPLAUSE Good evening! Welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show with barefaced lies and well-masked truths.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a dapper comedian who once performed at the Royal Variety Show.
He was the only act who ever had to dress down to meet the Queen.
It's Tom Allen! APPLAUSE Hello, hello.
And, er, an actress who starred in a sitcom, Getting On, about life in the NHS.
It was so authentic, there was a four-month waiting list to watch it.
It's Vicki Pepperdine.
APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian who appears on the Mash Report.
I love it, but then I love anything with mash.
It's Geoff Norcott! APPLAUSE And a fashion designer and judge on The Great British Sewing Bee.
Erm, I've had to warn her, no matter what she thinks of David's outfit, she can't vote him off.
It's Esme Young! APPLAUSE So we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Tom, you're first up tonight.
I have a folder on my laptop containing flattering photos of me that I have asked my family to give to the police should I ever go missing.
LAUGHTER David's team.
So, erm, how, how many in the range? I think at the moment, cos I'm quite picky, it's around about 55 to 60.
LAUGHTER Oh, so that's a good range for the police to choose from.
- Yes, well, I wanted to give them options.
- Yeah.
Where did you get this idea from, Tom? Erm, I think I just always, whenever I watch things like Crimewatch, or the news, I always think to myself, I would hate to look like some of the people on there.
LAUGHTER What, do you mean the quality of the photograph? Yes, yes.
More than the crimes? Oh, who cares? LAUGHTER What sort of poses did you pull for these photos then, Tom? Erm, I think it's always good to look like you're smiling, isn't it, because I think that would probably encourage more people to come and find me.
So, show us.
Have a look at, have a look down seven and give us pose number one.
So anything where I'm like LAUGHTER God.
I'm surprised anyone would want to take you.
LAUGHTER What did you call the folder, cos it must have a name, on your desktop? What did you call it? Well, I, I just call it, I call it, erm, Emergency Photos.
That could mean something else, Tom, to be fair.
LAUGHTER "My wife's out tonight, I'll need the emergency photos.
" LAUGHTER Emergency photos for if the Wi-Fi goes down.
LAUGHTER "I'm going to have to do this the old-fashioned way.
" LAUGHTER Do you, do you play around with filters and stuff, I mean, is there a sort of disappearance filter? - What, so I look like I've got bunny ears or something? - Yeah.
Sepia, you could do it sepia, and then it would look like you disappeared hundreds of years ago.
LAUGHTER Well, what do you think, Geoff? I just hope this doesn't end up being chilling archive footage.
LAUGHTER Well, some of the, some of the photographs you see on the news and stuff are so miserable, where people are, like - I mean - You think, "Oh, I'd hate that to be me.
" .
.
when you're being kidnapped, I don't think that's, like, the main thing that you'd be worried about, if you was in someone's cellar, handcuffed to a radiator, you'd be thinking, "Jesus, I hope they don't use Malaga '97 photos"? LAUGHTER But why would he need 53? Well, I suppose he wants to give the programme makers a range.
How many outfits did you bring for this evening's recording, Tom? Well, I brought three suits and I bought five shirts OK, it's true.
Blatantly.
- I bought lots of - See? I came with none and found this in the bin.
LAUGHTER - You think it's true? - Yeah.
- You think, do you think it's - You DON'T think it's true? - No, I don't, actually.
Oh, this puts me in an awkward position of having to think.
LAUGHTER My instinct is that it's a lie.
All right.
Tom, was it a lie or were you telling the truth? I can tell you, it was a .
.
lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Tom doesn't have a folder of flattering photos in case he goes missing.
- Esme, you're next.
- Ooh! Right.
I once spent a pleasant afternoon riding around topless on a motorbike.
LAUGHTER Oh, good for you.
Hang on, where, where were you going on this motorbike? That is the last question I'd have thought of.
LAUGHTER Wow.
We've got different angles, me and you, haven't we? Quite.
Indeed, yes.
LAUGHTER - Who were you with? - A friend.
Was he, was he riding and you were at the back, or the other way round? I beg your pardon? LAUGHTER What was the man's name, Esme? It was, erm, Phil.
- Phil.
- Phil.
And what, er, relationship were you to Phil? - He was my boyfriend.
- So he was your boyfriend? What, when was this? Erm - I mean, just give us an approximation.
- Oh, decades ago.
How many decades? - Erm - Oh, no.
- No, what? - Don't make her say that.
All right.
Which century? LAUGHTER The last century.
Is that worse? Is that worse? LAUGHTER - Is that worse? - Definitely worse.
I'm no good at these things.
- He's a very, very rude man.
- Yes.
What's he wearing? Er, I don't remember.
Well, hold on, let me rephrase the question.
Did he have anything out? LAUGHTER Well, he had his arms out.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Can you, first of all, tell us why you decided to go topless? Was it just because you were being devil may care? Well, I'd been sunbathing.
- Really? - Right.
- Right.
- In my knickers.
- Just your knickers? Well, no, actually, I had a scarf tied round my top.
Oh, and then you took that off, on the motorbike? That's very dangerous.
It could have got caught in the wheels.
LAUGHTER I tell you what, if my idea earlier would have been that Phil had something out, he could have caught THA in the wheels, couldn't he? I don't know who this Phil is, but he's very impressive.
You should never have dumped him.
LAUGHTER So you are, you are lying, sunbathing, and he suggests, - "Why don't we go for a spin on the bike?" - Yeah.
You jump on the back of the bike, and at this point you've got the improvised bra thing on.
- Mm.
- Mm.
So when you start riding, it's on.
At what point in the journey did you decide to get rid of the scarf, and where did you put it? Well, what happened is, cos we were going so fast, the scarf fell round my waist.
You were holding on to him, I guess.
- So you weren't in a position to put it back on? - No.
And how long did this last? - About 45 minutes, an hour.
- 45 minutes? LAUGHTER Where was this in the world? Er, Surrey.
- Oh Oh, Surrey.
- I know Surrey well, whereabouts in Surrey? I think it was called Bug Hill.
- Right.
- Do you know Bug Hill? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER I'll never forget, it's where I once saw a topless motorbiker.
So I suppose, in a way, though, they're not totally, - they're not totally exposed to the elements? - How big ARE they? Well, I don't know, I don't look! LAUGHTER I tell you what, it's a very windy day if they're out there.
LAUGHTER - That's not very nice.
- You were doing the size of them.
I wasn't going like that - You were doing this.
- They were LAUGHTER I don't know how big the scarf was.
LAUGHTER I don't know about these matters.
What are you thinking, Vicki? I, I think it's true.
- You think it's true, as well? - I mean, she's a wild child.
I really enjoyed it.
It felt like an episode of Heartbeat.
LAUGHTER - It did a bit, didn't it? - Yeah.
I'm going to go with my team, if both my team members say it's true Well, it was our, it was my gut feeling.
OK, so you're saying that it's true? - OK.
- Esme, was it the truth or was it a lie? It was - .
.
true! - Yeah! APPLAUSE Our next round is called This Is My where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot who is telling the truth, so please welcome this week's special guest, Eamonn.
APPLAUSE So, Tom, what is Eamonn to you? This is Eamonn, and after a night out on the tiles with me, he was unable to walk for two days.
LAUGHTER Right, so, Tom's partying pal.
Vicki, how do you know Eamonn? Erm, this is my neighbour Eamonn, and for about a month, we each thought we were conversing with an owl, when, in reality, we were each hooting at the other.
LAUGHTER Right, Vicki's featherless friend, and finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Eamonn? This is Eamonn.
He caught me climbing out of the boot of my car after I'd smuggled myself into his safari park.
LAUGHTER David, where do you want to begin? - Well, Tom.
- Yes? So what was it that happened to Eamonn that stopped him walking for two days? None of your goddamn business.
LAUGHTER - Er, I was doing a gig.
- Mm-hm.
- We went out - Describe the evening.
- Erm, we went to a nightclub and, erm, we got drunk, and Sorry, everybody .
.
and, I was actually thrown out of the nightclub when I tried to prop myself up on a rope barrier and fell on the floor.
- Hang on a minute, Tom.
- Yes? You've done a gig Yes.
.
.
where you're compos mentis Completely.
.
.
you're sober, - you're being your wonderful, glittering self - Yes.
.
.
you're entertaining literally dozens of people, and then LAUGHTER - .
.
then you go out with your friend, Eammon - Yes.
.
.
laughing Eamonn, there.
What does HE do? He's a photographer.
A photographer.
Does he take photos of you for your desktop file? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - So you fell over? - Yes.
- The bouncers go, "Hang on, someone in here's been drinking!" - Yes.
- And throw you out? - Yes.
I hope they said it in exactly that voice, David.
LAUGHTER So then, Eamonn, being my friend, took me back to my hotel, but I could not remember what room I was in, and so he had to put me in the lift and he went up to each floor to see if the key would work on any of the doors on that floor.
So Eamonn went off to try the doors but he didn't want to leave me in the lift in case the lift door closed, and I went to another floor, and he never saw me again, so he draped me across the threshold of the lift - Yes.
- Yeah.
.
.
so the doors were constantly opening and closing across my head.
How many floors did he check? I think, it wasn't a huge one, but it was probably about six floors high.
Six floors And on six separate occasions, the lift doors are banging on your head? - Exactly.
- Several times on each floor.
And at that point, he realised I was actually staying not in the main part of the hotel, but in an annexe next to it, which had no lift, and so he had no choice but to drag me to my room And all this lugging and dragging left him unable to walk? - Did his back in - Right.
- .
.
and left him unable to walk for two days.
I'm surprised YOU could walk, after all that.
Well, I'm a very resilient person, Esme.
LAUGHTER Who would you like to question next? OK, er, so, Vicki Just remind us what it was that you said, Vicki.
This is my neighbour, Eamonn, and for a month, we both thought we were conversing with an owl, when, in fact, we were just hooting at each other.
Could you show us a hoot? - Erm - That's rich, coming from you.
LAUGHTER Oh! APPLAUSE OK, so what I heard was, erm "Woooooo!" LAUGHTER That's a ghost.
LAUGHTER And I went, cos I'm quite keen on owls, and I went, "Weee, weee!" LAUGHTER - What's that? - That's a mouse.
LAUGHTER No, no, it's the call and response of the tawny owl.
Is it? And you thought, "We must welcome the tawny owl.
" - Yeah.
This owl going to be lonely - Yeah.
.
.
unless I let it know that it has a friend.
You realise that what you're doing, strictly speaking, is grooming? LAUGHTER Cos you're, you're not an owl.
You're pretending to be an owl under false pretences, just - Catfishing.
- Yeah, yeah, catfishing.
- No, it's owlfishing, I suppose.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, OK.
- Yes.
- What happened next? Cut to, erm, a few nights later, I'm going to the back door, and I go and I think, "Well, I wonder if that owl is out there?" So I go, "Wee, wee!" No, hang on, that's the reply.
Why didn't you do the "ooh"? Well, because actually the "wit-wit" is the call, and the "woo" is the reply.
Well, hang on, then, why did you wit-wit when you heard a woo? LAUGHTER Cos that owl was clearly already talking to someone else.
LAUGHTER Finally, there's an owl in the area, and you just interrupt.
LAUGHTER And the how did you find out he wasn't the owl? - Erm, so - Look at him.
LAUGHTER Wouldn't it be great now if his head just span round? LAUGHTER At the end of our road, er, is a off-licence, shop-y type thing and I was in there and Eamonn was buying a Sunday paper.
One of the things that was in there was a, erm, a supplement, which was about nature, and one of the things that they'd done a survey on was something called Owl Prowl.
Owl Prowl, and it was lists of sightings of owls.
Can I just say, I've had years of experience of this, you are digging a massive hole.
LAUGHTER You didn't need to mention the supplements.
LAUGHTER - Anyway, Owl Prowl - Sorry, so Owl Prowl, yes, and I said, "I think there's an owl in this neighbourhood.
" And he said, "There is.
I've heard it.
" And I said, "I think it's a tawny owl", and I said, "In fact, I heard it last night.
" And he said, "So did I.
" And then it gradually dawned on us both that what we'd been doing was - I see.
Replying - .
.
was just hooting, at each other.
- Is this is the plot of, like, a rom-com with Meg Ryan? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER What about Lee? Would you remind us of your claim? This is Eamonn.
He caught me climbing out of the boot of my car after I tried to smuggle myself in to his safari park.
How long ago? This was 13 years ago.
So what was the saving? The saving was, er, I think it was £35 for an adult.
Right.
But the reason why I didn't want to pay is because I had been before to the safari park, and I'd come out without the annual pass, and I was annoyed, so I got so irritated, and we had a bit of a row, me and my wife, cos I said, "Go back and get the annual pass", and she said, "No", and in the end, I said, "Well, look, I'm just going to sneak in the boot.
" We had our baby on the back-seat, erm, he wouldn't get in the boot with me, so, er - So when you are in the boot - Yeah.
- .
.
how were you lying in the boot? - Er, a bit like now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE How were you found, Lee? - The plan was that you'd get driven in? - Yes.
So what happened, I said to my wife is, "Once we're in, pull over when it's safe.
" And, er, she stopped, but the reason she stopped, I thought because we were safe, but, no, it wasn't because we were safe, it was because a load of monkeys were crossing the road.
So she stopped to let these monkeys cross, I think it's now safe to get out.
We've got a safety latch in the boot.
I flip the thing, I got out You let yourself out of a boot? - Well, there's a little latch on, on this - No, there's not.
- There is! - Is there? - A safety latch.
There has been since 2013.
Can I ask you something? All boots have to be fitted with an inner safety latch.
But this was 13 years ago, not 2013.
Exactly, so luckily, I had an advance model.
LAUGHTER The first car on the market to have a boot latch inside - So, you get out - Don't you remember the adverts? "Sick of your boot only opening from the outside?" "No longer, with the new Skoda internal boot latch, "6.
4.
" - No, so Eamonn, who is working at the safari park - As what? He was, he was the ranger and his, his job was to make sure people What sort of equipment did he have? Oh, he had it all.
He had, er He had a big net.
LAUGHTER Pith helmet? No, he had a big net, he had a gun, - he had a thing over his thing with lots of little darts in.
- Yeah? Er, he had, erm, a safari jacket on.
LAUGHTER He had a snooker cue, a tennis racket, a banjo.
- And he spotted you climbing out of the boot? - Correct.
What were the monkeys doing as you got out of the boot? Did they just go on with their business, or did they throw Well, first thing they did was they removed the dead zebra that was lying on the floor, and that's what they were using to cross.
But they, then they It's confusing when a zebra just dies, everyone just walks across.
It's incredible.
LAUGHTER And your wife must have been alarmed? No, no, that's just the car.
LAUGHTER And, so I get out the boot, there's mayhem, he comes over, "What are you doing? Get in the car!" And then he does something to the monkeys, which is, like, he waves some things, and they run.
He just goes, "Raa!", like that, and they go, "Oo-er!" and they run.
- "Woo!" - Aren't you just retelling the plot of Jumanji? LAUGHTER The monkeys have gone? The monkeys have gone, cos he waved the, er, the anti-monkey stick.
Can you remember what it looked like, this anti-monkey stick? Yeah, I remember it being very bright.
I remember it being, like, like, er, a light.
A long, a very long light.
- Like a, like a - Lightsaber? - Like Star Wars.
- Ah - Like a lightsaber? - He had a lightsaber with him? This is a job not for the net, or the dart gun, but the lightsaber.
LAUGHTER - Right, he started doing that.
- He started doing Mmm, mmm.
I think this was a lie, but I think Lee is starting to believe it on some level, because he's so far into it.
LAUGHTER What happens then? Er, so then I, I, I, he's telling me off, er, to, first of all, get in the car, safety first.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Does he get in the car with you? Now he starts telling me off through the window.
Now I can't open the window, which I try to do politely, "Close your window.
" LAUGHTER So he went, "What the hell are you doing out" HE MOUTHS WORDS "I can't hear you!" - He said - MUFFLED: "Keep the window closed, "do not open this window.
" I said, "I can't hear you.
" MUFFLED: "Don't open the window.
" I said, "I can't hear you.
" "Don't open the wind" LAUGHTER And then eventually he thought it'd be easier to just get in.
LAUGHTER This is 13 years ago, by the way.
.
.
for him to get in with all his equipment? And the baby in the baby seat, in the back seat? He gets just pass the baby, he sits in between the baby, there's the baby, there's me, er, no, there's baby So you're in the back as well, you didn't get in the front? I didn't get in the front, because I was, I just panicked.
He said, "Get in the car now.
" I just got in the first door I saw.
- OK.
- And I had to climb over the baby, then he had to climb over the baby, shut both the doors.
Your wife's in the front, and in the back are you, Eamonn, the baby, the net, the lightsaber and the dart gun? Correct! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Are you all right? - Oh, look, he's, he's crying at the memory of it.
It's bringing back tears, isn't it, do you know what I mean? How did this come to a conclusion, Lee? Well, so he looked at me, and he said, "Is there any reason you've made me come in here "with all this paraphernalia? "What kind of idiot would get out the back of a "Are you trying to sneak in and not pay?" I said, "Well, the thing is" Stop laughing.
LAUGHTER I said At least comb your beard up so it covers your mouth LAUGHTER .
.
and my wife said, "Don't talk to me like that!" and I LAUGHTER He says, "Why are you sneaking in?" and I told him the story I told you, - er, and, er - About having - .
.
and he didn't believe it, either! LAUGHTER And he chastised me, he gave me a good telling off, he said, "You're risking, you're risking your life, here.
" He says, "You're not going to believe this", he says, "But exactly a week ago, a fella got out the boot of his car "and unfortunately, he'd, erm, he'd used a new banana shampoo "and they, they literally dragged him off into the forest "and he was never seen again.
" Erm I remember, I think I read about that.
- You might have read about that.
- Yeah.
It's OK, you can relax now.
We APPLAUSE We need an answer, so David's team, is Eamonn Tom's partying pal, Vicki's featherless friend, or maybe Lee's wildlife warden? What I don't get with Lee's story is why in the beginning was he going to sneak himself in like a journalist entering a war zone when it was, it was just a safari park? Because, I mean, listen, we'd just had a baby, and things were tight.
I mean, I'd spent most of my money on a new car that had a new facility to get ourselves out of the boot.
LAUGHTER Basically, we have three stories.
One of them is impossible.
Two of them are unlikely, but possible, and I think I'll leave it there.
So who's it going to be, then? Time to decide.
- I don't know - So you're, you're, you think - Tom.
- You think Tom? - No, I think Vicki.
You think Vicki.
If you're divided - Yes? - .
.
I will cast my casting vote for Tom.
- You're saying it's Tom.
OK, Eamonn, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Eamonn, and I had to get Tom back to his hotel room.
APPLAUSE Yes, Eamonn is Tom's partying pal.
Thank you very much, Eamonn.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Geoff.
I once crashed my car, because I was driving cross-legged.
LAUGHTER Lee's team.
Did you need the toilet? I was just stuck in traffic, and, erm, I, I'd passed my test like two months before, and I was just bored and I sort of looked down, and I just thought, why not just sort of mix this up a little bit? Whoa, whoa, whoa, so you didn't cross your legs casually - for a little rest of your legs? - No.
No, no.
You crossed your legs to see if you could operate the opposite pedals? - Yeah, yeah.
- Which of the three pedals did you have your feet on? So, if it's normally right foot accelerator, left foot clutch, I went left foot accelerator, right foot clutch.
- So right over, then? - Mm.
Did you drive for a while in this interesting position, then? - No.
- No.
- I was just in traffic and I decided to do it, and then I just started, like, ramming the guy in front of me like, repeatedly.
I've got a question here, though, because I recently passed my test, because I know if you took your foot off the clutch, you'd stall the engine, you wouldn't be able to crash.
No, no, because it was, you've got to understand, - so the accelerator was fully, er, depressed.
- It was fully depressed? You don't keep your foot on the clutch all the time.
- No, if you stall the engine, though - Did you definitely pass? - But you've got to ride the clutch - Listen! If your engine is ticking over, at neutral at the traffic lights, you can take your foot off the clutch.
Not only can you, you should, and put your handbrake on.
You shouldn't be there, revving, going "Vroom! Vroom!" LAUGHTER Lee, I have to tell you, we are on the same team.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - You said you were repeatedly ramming - Yeah.
- Yes, so the - Well, how did that happen? Well, because I just froze.
Did you get out of the car? No, I took the keys out and threw them out the window, right - You didn't? - I did do that.
Why did you do that? I didn't know how else to stop what was happening.
Oh, I see.
- You know what you could have done? - Yeah.
You could have uncrossed your legs.
LAUGHTER There was that.
- So you, did he come up to the car window? - Yeah.
He The problem was he asked me what happened, because he felt like he was essentially under attack, right, cos it's not just a shunt, is it? This is a repeated kind of like - So what did he say? - And I explained, and he said to me, "Well, no-one would be that stupid.
" And I was, like, "Well, you're wrong.
I was.
" Did you get out and get the keys? And did you know where the keys were? Oh, I recovered the keys, yeah.
Where from? Well, from where I'd thrown them to.
Yeah, that's what I wanted LAUGHTER That's what I'm trying to find out.
Where were they? - Well, because in the UK, we drive on the right, so I - No, we don't.
LAUGHTER - Oh! - Uh-oh! No, no, but to be fair, if you've crossed your legs, I suppose you go the opposite way.
LAUGHTER - What are you thinking? - I think I'm going to say true.
- Tom, you think it's - A barefaced lie.
Time to decide, Lee.
I'm going to say that I think it's .
.
a lie.
- So you're going with lie.
- I am.
Two against one.
- Geoff? - Yeah.
Were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? That was - .
.
true.
- No! APPLAUSE What? Yes, it's true.
Geoff did crash his car because he was driving cross-legged.
Next, it's, er .
.
David.
Hello! LAUGHTER I once got so drunk, I whipped out my laptop, thought, what the hell, and ordered myself a Latin phrase book.
LAUGHTER Lee's team.
What, sort of, but a Latin phrase book feels like quite an unusual thing.
When would you use a Latin phrase? - It's actually, strictly, it's called a Latin primer.
- Oh But it is a book of Latin phrases and Latin grammar.
But nothing had happened in the previous years where this was a problem? You were fine without your Latin.
Well, I had, you know, a very awkward dinner with a centurion, but, you know LAUGHTER .
.
er, no, no, it wasn't like, yeah, I hadn't particularly felt that gap, but I was just sort of Give us some of your favourite Latin phrases.
I, I can't, I can't You must know one or two, a man of your learning.
- Veni, vidi, vici.
- Oh - What does that - Or weni, widi, wici - Yes.
- .
.
depending on how you pronounce it.
- What does it mean? I came, I saw - I conquered.
- Quod erat demonstrandum.
- What I have just demonstrated.
Yeah, I went to a comprehensive, I know all of these phrases, David.
LAUGHTER Was there any modern, practical phrases, like "Where is the station?" No, and if you think about it, you'll know why.
LAUGHTER How did you get on with Latin when you were at school? No, we didn't do Latin, no.
You'd need a primer, wouldn't you? You'd need a phrase book Yeah, we had loads of that in the shed, but LAUGHTER Tom, what are you thinking? The idea of buying a textbook for a language that is no longer spoken, er, for somebody who works in an environment where that language isn't used, erm, which was taught to him at school several years ago that he had to get drunk to buy is exactly the sort of thing that David Mitchell would do.
LAUGHTER So true, that's true.
You're going to say it's true.
Lee? Definitely.
You think it's true? They all think it's true.
- Oh, it's true.
- Right, David.
- Yeah.
Of course it's true.
Oh! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
David did drunkenly order himself a Latin phrase book.
BUZZER That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team have won, by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a dapper comedian who once performed at the Royal Variety Show.
He was the only act who ever had to dress down to meet the Queen.
It's Tom Allen! APPLAUSE Hello, hello.
And, er, an actress who starred in a sitcom, Getting On, about life in the NHS.
It was so authentic, there was a four-month waiting list to watch it.
It's Vicki Pepperdine.
APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian who appears on the Mash Report.
I love it, but then I love anything with mash.
It's Geoff Norcott! APPLAUSE And a fashion designer and judge on The Great British Sewing Bee.
Erm, I've had to warn her, no matter what she thinks of David's outfit, she can't vote him off.
It's Esme Young! APPLAUSE So we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Tom, you're first up tonight.
I have a folder on my laptop containing flattering photos of me that I have asked my family to give to the police should I ever go missing.
LAUGHTER David's team.
So, erm, how, how many in the range? I think at the moment, cos I'm quite picky, it's around about 55 to 60.
LAUGHTER Oh, so that's a good range for the police to choose from.
- Yes, well, I wanted to give them options.
- Yeah.
Where did you get this idea from, Tom? Erm, I think I just always, whenever I watch things like Crimewatch, or the news, I always think to myself, I would hate to look like some of the people on there.
LAUGHTER What, do you mean the quality of the photograph? Yes, yes.
More than the crimes? Oh, who cares? LAUGHTER What sort of poses did you pull for these photos then, Tom? Erm, I think it's always good to look like you're smiling, isn't it, because I think that would probably encourage more people to come and find me.
So, show us.
Have a look at, have a look down seven and give us pose number one.
So anything where I'm like LAUGHTER God.
I'm surprised anyone would want to take you.
LAUGHTER What did you call the folder, cos it must have a name, on your desktop? What did you call it? Well, I, I just call it, I call it, erm, Emergency Photos.
That could mean something else, Tom, to be fair.
LAUGHTER "My wife's out tonight, I'll need the emergency photos.
" LAUGHTER Emergency photos for if the Wi-Fi goes down.
LAUGHTER "I'm going to have to do this the old-fashioned way.
" LAUGHTER Do you, do you play around with filters and stuff, I mean, is there a sort of disappearance filter? - What, so I look like I've got bunny ears or something? - Yeah.
Sepia, you could do it sepia, and then it would look like you disappeared hundreds of years ago.
LAUGHTER Well, what do you think, Geoff? I just hope this doesn't end up being chilling archive footage.
LAUGHTER Well, some of the, some of the photographs you see on the news and stuff are so miserable, where people are, like - I mean - You think, "Oh, I'd hate that to be me.
" .
.
when you're being kidnapped, I don't think that's, like, the main thing that you'd be worried about, if you was in someone's cellar, handcuffed to a radiator, you'd be thinking, "Jesus, I hope they don't use Malaga '97 photos"? LAUGHTER But why would he need 53? Well, I suppose he wants to give the programme makers a range.
How many outfits did you bring for this evening's recording, Tom? Well, I brought three suits and I bought five shirts OK, it's true.
Blatantly.
- I bought lots of - See? I came with none and found this in the bin.
LAUGHTER - You think it's true? - Yeah.
- You think, do you think it's - You DON'T think it's true? - No, I don't, actually.
Oh, this puts me in an awkward position of having to think.
LAUGHTER My instinct is that it's a lie.
All right.
Tom, was it a lie or were you telling the truth? I can tell you, it was a .
.
lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Tom doesn't have a folder of flattering photos in case he goes missing.
- Esme, you're next.
- Ooh! Right.
I once spent a pleasant afternoon riding around topless on a motorbike.
LAUGHTER Oh, good for you.
Hang on, where, where were you going on this motorbike? That is the last question I'd have thought of.
LAUGHTER Wow.
We've got different angles, me and you, haven't we? Quite.
Indeed, yes.
LAUGHTER - Who were you with? - A friend.
Was he, was he riding and you were at the back, or the other way round? I beg your pardon? LAUGHTER What was the man's name, Esme? It was, erm, Phil.
- Phil.
- Phil.
And what, er, relationship were you to Phil? - He was my boyfriend.
- So he was your boyfriend? What, when was this? Erm - I mean, just give us an approximation.
- Oh, decades ago.
How many decades? - Erm - Oh, no.
- No, what? - Don't make her say that.
All right.
Which century? LAUGHTER The last century.
Is that worse? Is that worse? LAUGHTER - Is that worse? - Definitely worse.
I'm no good at these things.
- He's a very, very rude man.
- Yes.
What's he wearing? Er, I don't remember.
Well, hold on, let me rephrase the question.
Did he have anything out? LAUGHTER Well, he had his arms out.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Can you, first of all, tell us why you decided to go topless? Was it just because you were being devil may care? Well, I'd been sunbathing.
- Really? - Right.
- Right.
- In my knickers.
- Just your knickers? Well, no, actually, I had a scarf tied round my top.
Oh, and then you took that off, on the motorbike? That's very dangerous.
It could have got caught in the wheels.
LAUGHTER I tell you what, if my idea earlier would have been that Phil had something out, he could have caught THA in the wheels, couldn't he? I don't know who this Phil is, but he's very impressive.
You should never have dumped him.
LAUGHTER So you are, you are lying, sunbathing, and he suggests, - "Why don't we go for a spin on the bike?" - Yeah.
You jump on the back of the bike, and at this point you've got the improvised bra thing on.
- Mm.
- Mm.
So when you start riding, it's on.
At what point in the journey did you decide to get rid of the scarf, and where did you put it? Well, what happened is, cos we were going so fast, the scarf fell round my waist.
You were holding on to him, I guess.
- So you weren't in a position to put it back on? - No.
And how long did this last? - About 45 minutes, an hour.
- 45 minutes? LAUGHTER Where was this in the world? Er, Surrey.
- Oh Oh, Surrey.
- I know Surrey well, whereabouts in Surrey? I think it was called Bug Hill.
- Right.
- Do you know Bug Hill? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER I'll never forget, it's where I once saw a topless motorbiker.
So I suppose, in a way, though, they're not totally, - they're not totally exposed to the elements? - How big ARE they? Well, I don't know, I don't look! LAUGHTER I tell you what, it's a very windy day if they're out there.
LAUGHTER - That's not very nice.
- You were doing the size of them.
I wasn't going like that - You were doing this.
- They were LAUGHTER I don't know how big the scarf was.
LAUGHTER I don't know about these matters.
What are you thinking, Vicki? I, I think it's true.
- You think it's true, as well? - I mean, she's a wild child.
I really enjoyed it.
It felt like an episode of Heartbeat.
LAUGHTER - It did a bit, didn't it? - Yeah.
I'm going to go with my team, if both my team members say it's true Well, it was our, it was my gut feeling.
OK, so you're saying that it's true? - OK.
- Esme, was it the truth or was it a lie? It was - .
.
true! - Yeah! APPLAUSE Our next round is called This Is My where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot who is telling the truth, so please welcome this week's special guest, Eamonn.
APPLAUSE So, Tom, what is Eamonn to you? This is Eamonn, and after a night out on the tiles with me, he was unable to walk for two days.
LAUGHTER Right, so, Tom's partying pal.
Vicki, how do you know Eamonn? Erm, this is my neighbour Eamonn, and for about a month, we each thought we were conversing with an owl, when, in reality, we were each hooting at the other.
LAUGHTER Right, Vicki's featherless friend, and finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Eamonn? This is Eamonn.
He caught me climbing out of the boot of my car after I'd smuggled myself into his safari park.
LAUGHTER David, where do you want to begin? - Well, Tom.
- Yes? So what was it that happened to Eamonn that stopped him walking for two days? None of your goddamn business.
LAUGHTER - Er, I was doing a gig.
- Mm-hm.
- We went out - Describe the evening.
- Erm, we went to a nightclub and, erm, we got drunk, and Sorry, everybody .
.
and, I was actually thrown out of the nightclub when I tried to prop myself up on a rope barrier and fell on the floor.
- Hang on a minute, Tom.
- Yes? You've done a gig Yes.
.
.
where you're compos mentis Completely.
.
.
you're sober, - you're being your wonderful, glittering self - Yes.
.
.
you're entertaining literally dozens of people, and then LAUGHTER - .
.
then you go out with your friend, Eammon - Yes.
.
.
laughing Eamonn, there.
What does HE do? He's a photographer.
A photographer.
Does he take photos of you for your desktop file? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - So you fell over? - Yes.
- The bouncers go, "Hang on, someone in here's been drinking!" - Yes.
- And throw you out? - Yes.
I hope they said it in exactly that voice, David.
LAUGHTER So then, Eamonn, being my friend, took me back to my hotel, but I could not remember what room I was in, and so he had to put me in the lift and he went up to each floor to see if the key would work on any of the doors on that floor.
So Eamonn went off to try the doors but he didn't want to leave me in the lift in case the lift door closed, and I went to another floor, and he never saw me again, so he draped me across the threshold of the lift - Yes.
- Yeah.
.
.
so the doors were constantly opening and closing across my head.
How many floors did he check? I think, it wasn't a huge one, but it was probably about six floors high.
Six floors And on six separate occasions, the lift doors are banging on your head? - Exactly.
- Several times on each floor.
And at that point, he realised I was actually staying not in the main part of the hotel, but in an annexe next to it, which had no lift, and so he had no choice but to drag me to my room And all this lugging and dragging left him unable to walk? - Did his back in - Right.
- .
.
and left him unable to walk for two days.
I'm surprised YOU could walk, after all that.
Well, I'm a very resilient person, Esme.
LAUGHTER Who would you like to question next? OK, er, so, Vicki Just remind us what it was that you said, Vicki.
This is my neighbour, Eamonn, and for a month, we both thought we were conversing with an owl, when, in fact, we were just hooting at each other.
Could you show us a hoot? - Erm - That's rich, coming from you.
LAUGHTER Oh! APPLAUSE OK, so what I heard was, erm "Woooooo!" LAUGHTER That's a ghost.
LAUGHTER And I went, cos I'm quite keen on owls, and I went, "Weee, weee!" LAUGHTER - What's that? - That's a mouse.
LAUGHTER No, no, it's the call and response of the tawny owl.
Is it? And you thought, "We must welcome the tawny owl.
" - Yeah.
This owl going to be lonely - Yeah.
.
.
unless I let it know that it has a friend.
You realise that what you're doing, strictly speaking, is grooming? LAUGHTER Cos you're, you're not an owl.
You're pretending to be an owl under false pretences, just - Catfishing.
- Yeah, yeah, catfishing.
- No, it's owlfishing, I suppose.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, OK.
- Yes.
- What happened next? Cut to, erm, a few nights later, I'm going to the back door, and I go and I think, "Well, I wonder if that owl is out there?" So I go, "Wee, wee!" No, hang on, that's the reply.
Why didn't you do the "ooh"? Well, because actually the "wit-wit" is the call, and the "woo" is the reply.
Well, hang on, then, why did you wit-wit when you heard a woo? LAUGHTER Cos that owl was clearly already talking to someone else.
LAUGHTER Finally, there's an owl in the area, and you just interrupt.
LAUGHTER And the how did you find out he wasn't the owl? - Erm, so - Look at him.
LAUGHTER Wouldn't it be great now if his head just span round? LAUGHTER At the end of our road, er, is a off-licence, shop-y type thing and I was in there and Eamonn was buying a Sunday paper.
One of the things that was in there was a, erm, a supplement, which was about nature, and one of the things that they'd done a survey on was something called Owl Prowl.
Owl Prowl, and it was lists of sightings of owls.
Can I just say, I've had years of experience of this, you are digging a massive hole.
LAUGHTER You didn't need to mention the supplements.
LAUGHTER - Anyway, Owl Prowl - Sorry, so Owl Prowl, yes, and I said, "I think there's an owl in this neighbourhood.
" And he said, "There is.
I've heard it.
" And I said, "I think it's a tawny owl", and I said, "In fact, I heard it last night.
" And he said, "So did I.
" And then it gradually dawned on us both that what we'd been doing was - I see.
Replying - .
.
was just hooting, at each other.
- Is this is the plot of, like, a rom-com with Meg Ryan? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER What about Lee? Would you remind us of your claim? This is Eamonn.
He caught me climbing out of the boot of my car after I tried to smuggle myself in to his safari park.
How long ago? This was 13 years ago.
So what was the saving? The saving was, er, I think it was £35 for an adult.
Right.
But the reason why I didn't want to pay is because I had been before to the safari park, and I'd come out without the annual pass, and I was annoyed, so I got so irritated, and we had a bit of a row, me and my wife, cos I said, "Go back and get the annual pass", and she said, "No", and in the end, I said, "Well, look, I'm just going to sneak in the boot.
" We had our baby on the back-seat, erm, he wouldn't get in the boot with me, so, er - So when you are in the boot - Yeah.
- .
.
how were you lying in the boot? - Er, a bit like now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE How were you found, Lee? - The plan was that you'd get driven in? - Yes.
So what happened, I said to my wife is, "Once we're in, pull over when it's safe.
" And, er, she stopped, but the reason she stopped, I thought because we were safe, but, no, it wasn't because we were safe, it was because a load of monkeys were crossing the road.
So she stopped to let these monkeys cross, I think it's now safe to get out.
We've got a safety latch in the boot.
I flip the thing, I got out You let yourself out of a boot? - Well, there's a little latch on, on this - No, there's not.
- There is! - Is there? - A safety latch.
There has been since 2013.
Can I ask you something? All boots have to be fitted with an inner safety latch.
But this was 13 years ago, not 2013.
Exactly, so luckily, I had an advance model.
LAUGHTER The first car on the market to have a boot latch inside - So, you get out - Don't you remember the adverts? "Sick of your boot only opening from the outside?" "No longer, with the new Skoda internal boot latch, "6.
4.
" - No, so Eamonn, who is working at the safari park - As what? He was, he was the ranger and his, his job was to make sure people What sort of equipment did he have? Oh, he had it all.
He had, er He had a big net.
LAUGHTER Pith helmet? No, he had a big net, he had a gun, - he had a thing over his thing with lots of little darts in.
- Yeah? Er, he had, erm, a safari jacket on.
LAUGHTER He had a snooker cue, a tennis racket, a banjo.
- And he spotted you climbing out of the boot? - Correct.
What were the monkeys doing as you got out of the boot? Did they just go on with their business, or did they throw Well, first thing they did was they removed the dead zebra that was lying on the floor, and that's what they were using to cross.
But they, then they It's confusing when a zebra just dies, everyone just walks across.
It's incredible.
LAUGHTER And your wife must have been alarmed? No, no, that's just the car.
LAUGHTER And, so I get out the boot, there's mayhem, he comes over, "What are you doing? Get in the car!" And then he does something to the monkeys, which is, like, he waves some things, and they run.
He just goes, "Raa!", like that, and they go, "Oo-er!" and they run.
- "Woo!" - Aren't you just retelling the plot of Jumanji? LAUGHTER The monkeys have gone? The monkeys have gone, cos he waved the, er, the anti-monkey stick.
Can you remember what it looked like, this anti-monkey stick? Yeah, I remember it being very bright.
I remember it being, like, like, er, a light.
A long, a very long light.
- Like a, like a - Lightsaber? - Like Star Wars.
- Ah - Like a lightsaber? - He had a lightsaber with him? This is a job not for the net, or the dart gun, but the lightsaber.
LAUGHTER - Right, he started doing that.
- He started doing Mmm, mmm.
I think this was a lie, but I think Lee is starting to believe it on some level, because he's so far into it.
LAUGHTER What happens then? Er, so then I, I, I, he's telling me off, er, to, first of all, get in the car, safety first.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Does he get in the car with you? Now he starts telling me off through the window.
Now I can't open the window, which I try to do politely, "Close your window.
" LAUGHTER So he went, "What the hell are you doing out" HE MOUTHS WORDS "I can't hear you!" - He said - MUFFLED: "Keep the window closed, "do not open this window.
" I said, "I can't hear you.
" MUFFLED: "Don't open the window.
" I said, "I can't hear you.
" "Don't open the wind" LAUGHTER And then eventually he thought it'd be easier to just get in.
LAUGHTER This is 13 years ago, by the way.
.
.
for him to get in with all his equipment? And the baby in the baby seat, in the back seat? He gets just pass the baby, he sits in between the baby, there's the baby, there's me, er, no, there's baby So you're in the back as well, you didn't get in the front? I didn't get in the front, because I was, I just panicked.
He said, "Get in the car now.
" I just got in the first door I saw.
- OK.
- And I had to climb over the baby, then he had to climb over the baby, shut both the doors.
Your wife's in the front, and in the back are you, Eamonn, the baby, the net, the lightsaber and the dart gun? Correct! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Are you all right? - Oh, look, he's, he's crying at the memory of it.
It's bringing back tears, isn't it, do you know what I mean? How did this come to a conclusion, Lee? Well, so he looked at me, and he said, "Is there any reason you've made me come in here "with all this paraphernalia? "What kind of idiot would get out the back of a "Are you trying to sneak in and not pay?" I said, "Well, the thing is" Stop laughing.
LAUGHTER I said At least comb your beard up so it covers your mouth LAUGHTER .
.
and my wife said, "Don't talk to me like that!" and I LAUGHTER He says, "Why are you sneaking in?" and I told him the story I told you, - er, and, er - About having - .
.
and he didn't believe it, either! LAUGHTER And he chastised me, he gave me a good telling off, he said, "You're risking, you're risking your life, here.
" He says, "You're not going to believe this", he says, "But exactly a week ago, a fella got out the boot of his car "and unfortunately, he'd, erm, he'd used a new banana shampoo "and they, they literally dragged him off into the forest "and he was never seen again.
" Erm I remember, I think I read about that.
- You might have read about that.
- Yeah.
It's OK, you can relax now.
We APPLAUSE We need an answer, so David's team, is Eamonn Tom's partying pal, Vicki's featherless friend, or maybe Lee's wildlife warden? What I don't get with Lee's story is why in the beginning was he going to sneak himself in like a journalist entering a war zone when it was, it was just a safari park? Because, I mean, listen, we'd just had a baby, and things were tight.
I mean, I'd spent most of my money on a new car that had a new facility to get ourselves out of the boot.
LAUGHTER Basically, we have three stories.
One of them is impossible.
Two of them are unlikely, but possible, and I think I'll leave it there.
So who's it going to be, then? Time to decide.
- I don't know - So you're, you're, you think - Tom.
- You think Tom? - No, I think Vicki.
You think Vicki.
If you're divided - Yes? - .
.
I will cast my casting vote for Tom.
- You're saying it's Tom.
OK, Eamonn, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Eamonn, and I had to get Tom back to his hotel room.
APPLAUSE Yes, Eamonn is Tom's partying pal.
Thank you very much, Eamonn.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Geoff.
I once crashed my car, because I was driving cross-legged.
LAUGHTER Lee's team.
Did you need the toilet? I was just stuck in traffic, and, erm, I, I'd passed my test like two months before, and I was just bored and I sort of looked down, and I just thought, why not just sort of mix this up a little bit? Whoa, whoa, whoa, so you didn't cross your legs casually - for a little rest of your legs? - No.
No, no.
You crossed your legs to see if you could operate the opposite pedals? - Yeah, yeah.
- Which of the three pedals did you have your feet on? So, if it's normally right foot accelerator, left foot clutch, I went left foot accelerator, right foot clutch.
- So right over, then? - Mm.
Did you drive for a while in this interesting position, then? - No.
- No.
- I was just in traffic and I decided to do it, and then I just started, like, ramming the guy in front of me like, repeatedly.
I've got a question here, though, because I recently passed my test, because I know if you took your foot off the clutch, you'd stall the engine, you wouldn't be able to crash.
No, no, because it was, you've got to understand, - so the accelerator was fully, er, depressed.
- It was fully depressed? You don't keep your foot on the clutch all the time.
- No, if you stall the engine, though - Did you definitely pass? - But you've got to ride the clutch - Listen! If your engine is ticking over, at neutral at the traffic lights, you can take your foot off the clutch.
Not only can you, you should, and put your handbrake on.
You shouldn't be there, revving, going "Vroom! Vroom!" LAUGHTER Lee, I have to tell you, we are on the same team.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - You said you were repeatedly ramming - Yeah.
- Yes, so the - Well, how did that happen? Well, because I just froze.
Did you get out of the car? No, I took the keys out and threw them out the window, right - You didn't? - I did do that.
Why did you do that? I didn't know how else to stop what was happening.
Oh, I see.
- You know what you could have done? - Yeah.
You could have uncrossed your legs.
LAUGHTER There was that.
- So you, did he come up to the car window? - Yeah.
He The problem was he asked me what happened, because he felt like he was essentially under attack, right, cos it's not just a shunt, is it? This is a repeated kind of like - So what did he say? - And I explained, and he said to me, "Well, no-one would be that stupid.
" And I was, like, "Well, you're wrong.
I was.
" Did you get out and get the keys? And did you know where the keys were? Oh, I recovered the keys, yeah.
Where from? Well, from where I'd thrown them to.
Yeah, that's what I wanted LAUGHTER That's what I'm trying to find out.
Where were they? - Well, because in the UK, we drive on the right, so I - No, we don't.
LAUGHTER - Oh! - Uh-oh! No, no, but to be fair, if you've crossed your legs, I suppose you go the opposite way.
LAUGHTER - What are you thinking? - I think I'm going to say true.
- Tom, you think it's - A barefaced lie.
Time to decide, Lee.
I'm going to say that I think it's .
.
a lie.
- So you're going with lie.
- I am.
Two against one.
- Geoff? - Yeah.
Were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? That was - .
.
true.
- No! APPLAUSE What? Yes, it's true.
Geoff did crash his car because he was driving cross-legged.
Next, it's, er .
.
David.
Hello! LAUGHTER I once got so drunk, I whipped out my laptop, thought, what the hell, and ordered myself a Latin phrase book.
LAUGHTER Lee's team.
What, sort of, but a Latin phrase book feels like quite an unusual thing.
When would you use a Latin phrase? - It's actually, strictly, it's called a Latin primer.
- Oh But it is a book of Latin phrases and Latin grammar.
But nothing had happened in the previous years where this was a problem? You were fine without your Latin.
Well, I had, you know, a very awkward dinner with a centurion, but, you know LAUGHTER .
.
er, no, no, it wasn't like, yeah, I hadn't particularly felt that gap, but I was just sort of Give us some of your favourite Latin phrases.
I, I can't, I can't You must know one or two, a man of your learning.
- Veni, vidi, vici.
- Oh - What does that - Or weni, widi, wici - Yes.
- .
.
depending on how you pronounce it.
- What does it mean? I came, I saw - I conquered.
- Quod erat demonstrandum.
- What I have just demonstrated.
Yeah, I went to a comprehensive, I know all of these phrases, David.
LAUGHTER Was there any modern, practical phrases, like "Where is the station?" No, and if you think about it, you'll know why.
LAUGHTER How did you get on with Latin when you were at school? No, we didn't do Latin, no.
You'd need a primer, wouldn't you? You'd need a phrase book Yeah, we had loads of that in the shed, but LAUGHTER Tom, what are you thinking? The idea of buying a textbook for a language that is no longer spoken, er, for somebody who works in an environment where that language isn't used, erm, which was taught to him at school several years ago that he had to get drunk to buy is exactly the sort of thing that David Mitchell would do.
LAUGHTER So true, that's true.
You're going to say it's true.
Lee? Definitely.
You think it's true? They all think it's true.
- Oh, it's true.
- Right, David.
- Yeah.
Of course it's true.
Oh! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
David did drunkenly order himself a Latin phrase book.
BUZZER That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team have won, by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time.
Goodnight.