Celebrity Juice (2008) s13e08 Episode Script
Massive Election Special - Ella Eyre, Emma Willis, Joey Essex, Chris Ramsey
Hi, I am Keith Lemon, and these are my titles.
Plush or what? There is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got dem bangers, mind! There is Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly went inside me! There is Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice, on telly, HD ready.
Good evening.
My name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice Election Special.
We are not having teams tonight, because it is an election special.
We have candidates.
Each person on the panel will be playing for themselves, not with themselves, in a hope to become Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
That is what it's all about.
Let's meet our candidates.
First up, it is Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, Fearne Cotton.
You look like a really dodgy salesman at the moment.
You look like you are about to go to court.
You look like the queen of the lesbians.
You look like a really posh prostitute.
So, Fearne Cotton, who is not on your team but who is sat next to you? Well, the candidate to my left What you saying? He is ream.
It's Joey Essex! Brap.
Brap.
The candidate to my right, with lovely hair, it is Ella Eyre! Let's meet our other Not team captain, but the other person that's sat opposite, adjacent to Fearne Cotton, it's Holly Willoughby.
Holly, who is not on your team but who is sat next to you? Well, the candidate to my right Wahey, man! (GROANS) /fo That was more "Wahey".
I don't know what that was.
/font It's Chris Ramsey! On my left, she is very beautiful, she is the presenter of The Voice and Big Brother, it is the gorgeous Emma Willis! We have got Joey Essex here.
I don't know if you saw this week, on television, he did What was it called again? Educating Joey Essex: The General Election, What Are You Saying? I don't know how it fitted in the title.
For the title, did you just think of random sentences? Yeah, just thought of like a big word, like a sentence.
What were you saying? A big word with gaps in it.
We have go Let's have a look at this.
NARRATOR: Joey Essex.
Like a lot of us, he finds politics a bitconfusing.
What party are you voting for? I just say, "I don't know.
" Will Joey get politics? Will he ever learn to say Conservatives? Consertative.
We have got Joey here as our expert political correspondent.
Yes.
You will be doing the scores tonight.
We have a Shat-Ing-Ometer.
Whoever gets the most points throughout the show will be named the Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
That's insane, innit? That's crazy.
That is crazy.
Hey, it's Ella Eyre! (APPLAUSE) Is it true Brian May and Anita Dobson are your mum and dad? Yes, yes, it is.
Best hair ever.
She has got wicked hair.
/ It looks like Holly's bush.
You have a new single out, it's here.
There, Together.
I have got to ask you, what is the message? The message? Yes.
I think the short font color="#0 It is coming out like relatively before summer and everyone comes together at summer, don't they? They are the peripherals, but what is the message? Aren't you supposed to find out for yourself? Isn't that like a personal thing? Yes.
Sort of like, when you get home, and you listen in the shower, and you have like an epiphany and you are like, "Oh!" That is the right answer.
It's took like three series.
That is the right answer! There is a cover of one of my favourite songs.
Which one? We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes off to Have a Good Time.
Oh, yeah.
There it is.
# We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time # Why do you look so confused? I know, what's the matter? No, it's a great song to make love to, innit? And she has ruined it by making it all slow.
No, I make it slightly more like you wanna make love to it.
But that song on again.
Put Ella Eyre on again.
# Come on baby, won't you show some class? # Why you wanna move so fast? Stop.
Now put Jermaine Stewart on.
# We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time # We can dance and party all night # You with your sexy, husky voice! Can I just say thanks for letting me borrow your hairdryer? I'll give you it back.
(APPLAUSE) It's Emma Willis.
(CHEERING) How's it going, Emma Willis? What's new? What's the gossip? You make me nervous.
Why the fuck I KNOW you! I know, but this is still a nerve-wracking position to be in.
It could be worse.
You could've been between him and the As he was thrusting, I did have my finger there.
But you didn't.
Do you like to insert? No.
(LAUGHTER) Does Matt like it in t'trap too? Oh (LAUGHTER) New series of Big Brother starting next week.
Yeah, next Tuesday.
It's not going to be t'same show where everyone's stuck in a big house again? Yeah.
I fuckin' knew it, man! You know what I love best about Big Brother? What? When someone says summat they're not allowed to say on telly and they put t'birds on.
Fucking funny.
The other day, I saw Mark Wright.
You know what he said to me? (BIRDSONG) (LAUGHTER) (BIRDSONG) He said, "You can smell my fingers if you like.
" (LAUGHTER) Have you ever presented Big Brother and found it really difficult and you can't use your tongue and no-one can understand what you're talking about? No.
Well, you're going to love this little game here, called What You Talkin' Bout, Willis? (CHEERING) What I'm going to do is give you a point if you can correctly describe an ex-Big Brother contestant and your teammates can guess who it is.
OK.
You will be describing them with a peg on your tongue.
(LAUGHTER) It looks like a wooden tampon.
(LAUGHTER) But, believe me, don't try and use this as a tampon - it won't work! Why has it got a string on it? So I can control her tongue.
Chris, you're going first.
Oh-oh! You'll be out of time when you hear this sound.
(SHOUTS) That's Rylan.
We know him.
(INDISTINCT) Go, start, go! Go! Chris! Hold on, wait.
I need to swallow.
Right.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Who is she? Who is she? Chris, this is for Chris.
Who is she? Oh, my God! Who is she? "Who is she?" is what I would say back to you, because I haven't got a clue.
It was Nikki Grahame, obviously.
Who is she?! Oh! (BARKS) OK, Holly.
Oh, OK.
(MUFFLED) Welcome to Big Brother! Irish? Not Scottish.
I was going to say, it sounded Scottish.
/font (NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT) Welcome to Big Brother! (IRISH ACCENT) Welcome to Big Brother! Irish? It's a boy.
It's a boy.
Irish Boy.
Brian Dowling.
Yes! Yes! You've got a point! (APPLAUSE) Who's this for? Ella.
Big Brother, I need a cigarette! I've got to smoke! I need a cigarette! Cigarette! Cigarette! (LAUGHTER) I really don't think I'm going to get this right.
Is it Nadia? Yes! Yes! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Fearne.
How do you still look pretty doing this? Because she's fit as fuck! (LAUGHTER) Oh, that guy who wrote the bloody note! I know this guy.
He was on the first series.
What was his name? Nick Nick Nasty Nick.
(APPLAUSE) This is for Joey.
Sorry.
Oh, no! (LAUGHTER) I don't know anyone you've done so far.
(LAUGHTER) All right? All right? Uh-uh-uh! Tourette's! He'd got Tourette's, the geezer.
Yeah.
I've never seen a geezer with Tourette's in Big Brother.
(LAUGHTER) All right? All right? I love Nikki! Fuck that! I know him.
I swear I know him.
Joey, this fucking hurts.
(LAUGHTER) Er Go on, go on.
Rylan? (LAUGHTER) I don't know.
Rylan, who famously had Tourette's (!) (LAUGHTER) I don't know, sometimes he repeats his stuff.
(LAUGHTER) (SHOUTS) (KLAXON) It was Pete Bennett from Big Brother 7.
I've never heard of him, man.
Well done, Emma Willis! (CHEERING) It's an election special.
It's nice not to be doing rude stuff, for a change.
So we're going to play a very political game.
Time to play "General Election Or General Erection?" (CHEERING) Or what you have to do is tell me: is this someone from the world of politics, is it a general election, or is it indeed someone from the world of porn, a general erection? (LAUGHTER) I think we're going to start with Christopher Ramsey.
General election or general erection? Oh, what? I can't tell whether it's a fat man's chin or a naked woman.
(LAUGHTER) General erection.
Let's have a look.
Correct! (APPLAUSE) Holly, general election or general erection? Let's have a look.
What is that? That's a mouth, isn't it? It's a very passionate speech about politics.
So you are saying, general election? V-o-ote for me.
A northerner? Vo-o-ote.
This is a northern politician.
OK, well, general election, let's have a look.
That's correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Emma Willis, general election or general erection? Oh.
Them eyelids have got foreskin.
(LAUGHTER) It could be somebody asleepas they are just bored of hearing other politicians chatting about stuff.
Yeah, or it can be a man on the brink of explosion.
I don't think he looks like he's on the brink of explosion, to be honest.
I don't think he looks like he's enjoying himself too much.
He might be making love to your slow version of We Don't I'm gonna go erection, I think.
General erection? Yeah.
Let's have a look.
I hope it is.
Tony Blair! If you pull wider, he still looks like he could be having a general erection, doesn't he? Like that.
Ella Eyre, general election or general erection? I am gonna go That can't be someone's teeth in the public eye, seriously? He's saying it's someone's teeth in the public eye.
I mean, like, for a president, innit? Imagine a president doing a speech like that.
You look at his teeth, you would think, "Eugh, stop speaking.
" innit? I think that's got to be a porn star.
I think because Joey Essex thinks it is a porn star, I'm gonna go for general election.
General election? Let's have a look.
Yeah, you're right.
That was really good logic.
I'm gonna stick with that.
I've never heard of her.
Mate, on her manifesto, one of the things is to make everything 20% less reem.
You think she can't win just because of her teeth? No, I justcos that, what he said, it ain't true, is it? Maybe.
Fearne? Yes? Election or erection? Wow! (MUMBLES) I would go general erection.
He is definitely salivating.
It's a salivating, creepy mouth.
Yeah.
Erection? Yeah.
Genera (APPLAUSE) Eugh! Joey! Election or erection? (GROANS) I think I've seen this one, it's porn.
He can recognise porn just from the eyes of a man.
That is definitely porn, man.
If you get this right, I'm gonna Let's have a look, let's have a look.
A bit weird.
That's got to be porn.
Elec- Erection.
(APPLAUSE) Chris, I'm gonna give you one more.
Fantastic.
Erection or election? Oh I'm gonna go election.
Election.
Let's have a look.
You were half right.
(APPLAUSE) We are gonna go over to our political office now to speak to our political correspondent, here's Joey Essex.
(Joey, Joey, don't let them see.
) (LAUGHTER) Down.
Joey Essex will tell us who is winning the race to becoming the Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
Yeah, Shit-omemeterthe shit-om-om-meterthe shit Shat-ing! .
.
is a draw between Hollyand Ella.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores are - Shat-ing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're gonna go to an ad break now, we'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break - I am ready to mass-debate.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne, are you mass-debating right now? Hands-free, baby! Hello.
My name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Special Election Special.
Ella Eyre, have you ever been at home enjoying television and wanting to change channel, and you can't find the remote, and then you are looking all over for it, and you go, "Shit, it's in my hair!"? No.
Well, you will enjoy this round, as we play What's in Ella Eyre's Hair? Hello.
Welcome to What's in Ella Eyre's Hair? Yes, it's a political satire-type special of Celebrity Juice, so we have got Ella Eyre, and we have stuck loads of stuff in her hair.
Our panellists, or candidates, who will be running for the position of Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice, will have to guess how many items she has in her hair.
Do you get me? So, let's take a moment now and have a look at Ella Eyre's beautiful hair.
On screen, we will have a list of things that are in Ella Eyre's hair.
Have a little look.
There she is, spinning.
You look gorgeous.
She is wearing a red suit.
That means nothing.
She sat on the fence.
You are not bothered who gets elected.
Well, she is, but we are not allowed to say.
I had a quick look down then.
She has got a lovely bum.
Oh, something fell out.
That is one less thing.
Can I ask you a question? When we write down, do we have to name? The number of things you think are in her hair! What's in Ella's hair?! Do we have to name them? No! Just write the number of things you think is in her hair.
All right! Do I get to guess? You will only get a point.
I want to know I can actually fix this for you to win, if you come back to my room.
And do what? Well, we will play your slow version of We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off, and see what happens.
No, I am all right.
OK.
There's the klaxon.
Are you all right? I'm all right.
I'm good.
I will tell you what, I'll ask you first.
How many items do you think are in your hair? I reckon there is 12.
12? Uh-huh.
Christopher.
I went for 21 but then one fell out so I crossed out the one and did a nought.
20.
Holly.
I went for 32.
font col I put 28 but then one fell out so I put 27.
27.
Fearne.
/fo 17.
Joey Essex.
Here we go.
Tell us your thinking.
I went for 100, but then I obviously thought that was way too high.
And went for 60, but then one obviously fell out, so 59.
Then I thought 59 looks too much, so I said 44.
That is lateral thinking, innit? (APPLAUSE) Lateral thinking.
Lateral.
I can tell you that someone is only two items out.
I am guessing it is me.
Probably.
I have been right a lot recently.
You have proved that wrong today by having an argument with yourself on a bit of card.
I can tell you originally, before one item fell out, there were 31 items in Ella Eyre's hair.
Then one fell out so there was 30.
Which means, Holly gets the points.
(APPLAUSE) Thanks to Ella Eyre for sticking loads of stuff in your hair and, please, shake it off.
There's tartare sauce! Yeah, there's tartare sauce.
A screwdriver What the fuck is this?! There's a fucking tampon! A USB stick A mini whoopee cushion.
Listen.
(WHOOPEE CUSHION) (LAUGHTER) Ella Eyre, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, we're gonna go now to our political office with our political correspondent, Joey Essex.
(Sneak it, you have to sneak it.
) There has been a massive swing in the outcome, just to let you know that.
It's swaying to Holly.
Holly.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne.
Yes? A lot of the games on Celebrity Juice are normally quite rude.
The titles of them are quite rude, aren't they? Yeah.
Very rude.
Let's just do summat a bit straightforward and a bit more satirical.
Let's try.
I tell you what, shall we have a mass debate? Oh! Let's have a - ANNOUNCER: Mass debate.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ermhello, I'm Keith Lemon, you've joined me here.
We are about to have a mass debate.
Let's meet our candidates.
First up, standing for the U-Twat party, is Christopher Ramsey.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Debating the pros and cons of pissing on foxes, it's Holly Willoughby.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Attempting to steal Holly's votes and supporters, it's Emma Willis.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Campaigning to make big hair compulsory in primary schools, it's Ella Eyre.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Speaking on behalf of the man on the street, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And he gets my vote because he's reem! It's Joey Essex.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So what we did, we asked our studio audience the biggest questions facing Britain today.
We want you to tell us what answer you thought they gave by answering A or B.
If you wanna join in at home, #massdebate.
Are you ready to mass-debate? Yes.
Yes.
We are ready.
Holly, are you ready to mass-debate? Absolutely.
Never been readier.
Say it, then.
I am ready to mass-debate.
Fearne.
I also am ready to massdebate.
Are you mass-debating right now? Hands free, baby! OK, the first question we asked our audience Which would you prefer: a) someone pissing on your face or b) someone shitting on your chest? (LAUGHTER) Please, have a mass-debate.
If you're getting wee'd on the face, you're shutting your eyes and sort of going to a happy place, but if someone's shitting on your chest, you've got a front row seat to that.
And you smell it.
Wee is wee, whereas shit is variable.
There's many different types of shit.
You've got the hard guy, you've got the splatters - Hard guy? (LAUGHTER) Flock of seagulls! They could have eaten something a bit spicy the night before.
What if they've been out for a big night and drank loads of beer and it's the first wee of the morning? Go for it! Don't shit on me but piss everywhere! (LAUGHTER) A poo will take longer.
(GROANING) Who knows? Who knows? Lift your cards.
A.
A.
Emma, you've got the card the wrong way round.
No, there's an A there.
Turn it round! (LAUGHTER) Everyone is going for A, apart from Joey, who's gone for B.
You'd rather someone shit on your chest? The piss might go in my ears.
It would be horrible.
(LAUGHTER) So you would rather have someone shit on your chest! Yeah, but I'd get it straight off.
(LAUGHTER) 81% of the audience said they would prefer someone to piss on their face.
(APPLAUSE) This is a real serious question.
What did the audience say they'd rather do - listen to Fearne's radio show on repeat for an entire week, or go to prison? (LAUGHTER) I never normally get to listen to Fearne's radio show because I'm doing This Morning.
Good excuse! But since I've been off Let me finish! AUDIENCE: Ooh-ooh! Oh! .
.
I've been enjoying her radio show.
So I am going Which one was it? (LAUGHTER) Either way, it's got to be Fearne! Got to be Fearne? Yeah! OK, I can tell you, the answer was B, go to prison.
(LAUGHTER) Thanks (!) (APPLAUSE) I'm joking.
60% would rather listen to Fearne's radio show.
That's still quite depressing.
40% would rather go to prison! (LAUGHTER) Next question.
Did the men in the audience say they'd rather never have sex again - that's A) - or B) only ever have sex with Katie Hopkins? ALL: Oh! Do we even have to debate this one? Mass-debate? Yes! Can she talk during sex? It doesn't say.
Can I put a bag over her head? She would.
Does it matter if she would talk? Yeah, because he fancies her until she opens her mouth.
Well, no, I - You fancy her.
You're always talking about her.
It's like t'school playground shit, man.
Urgh! I wanna set your hair on fire! Because I'm in love with you.
Set her hair on fire?! You fancy Katie Hopkins! Imagine, as well, there's a lot of people into that dominant thing.
She's quite dominant and aggressive.
I bet there's people in this audience thinking, "I'll have a bit of that.
" When was the last time anyone bothered with her? Pull her knickers off, it would be like opening a packet of Weetabix.
(LAUGHTER, GROANING) Bits falling out, bats and that.
You've mass-debated.
Now tell me the answer.
I can reveal that 88% of the audience said they'd rather never have sex again! (APPLAUSE) We asked the audience: which would you rather have, a) Joey Essex's brain or b) Rylan's teeth? Think about it.
It ain't that bad.
Well, personally You can't tell the time.
Rylan's teeth can't tell the time.
But he can't tell the time.
He's probably frightened of the moon.
Butthe man's a millionaire.
I'll have his brain any day, mate.
(CHEERING) Ella just said "money isn't everything".
But you can buy better fucking teeth than Rylan.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Ask me any question you want.
Go on.
Who is Jesus's mum? Don't tell him! Moses.
(LAUGHTER) In which state was JF Kennedy murdered? Who?! He was in a horrible state because he got murdered.
(LAUGHTER) That's a good joke! That's a great joke! What's the answer? I think Joey Essex's brain.
Would the audience rather have Joey Essex's brain or Rylan's teeth? A or B? It's an obvious one, innit? (LAUGHTER) I can tell you, 67% of the audience said they would rather have Rylan's teeth.
(APPLAUSE) What? I don't think I'm that bad.
(KLAX0N) OK, let's go over to our political office and see what Joey Essex is saying.
Let's see who's winning that race to becoming Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice.
(Just slidey over there.
) (LAUGHTER) Sniper, sniper! Lower, lower! We can see you! (LAUGHTER) Who's in the running? Who might be Celebrity Juice Prime Minister? Holly is still in the lead, but I don't know whether she can be Prime Minister.
What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know if you've got the potential.
(GASPS) You're not the cleverest, are you, out of everyone? (LAUGHTER) Serious! That's one of the worst things anyone's ever said to me.
Joey Essex - I don't mean between me and you, I mean betwee I should (BLEEP) hope not, just between you and me! Anyway, the good thing, Holly, you are in the lead.
You are in the lead.
Oh, right.
(APPLAUSE) Sha-ting! (APPLAUSE) So Holly is in the lead in becoming the Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice.
Join us after the break to find out if she can hold that lead.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break I can tell you that the new Prime Minister for Celebrity Juice is Itis (LAUGHTER) He should do X Factor! Hi.
Welcome back to our political episode of Celebrity Juice.
Me and Ella Eyre are just having a draw-off.
She's drawing me and I'm drawing her.
It has nothing to do with politics.
I'm drawing you, too.
You are drawing U2? What, Bono? Or all the band? I'm drawing you.
Oh, that is good! I love the way you sign it, shall I sign mine? How come you are so good at art? I know what things look like and I can move my hands.
I love that, thank you.
Oh, it's all right, yes.
All right.
It's not bad.
That is good.
font color="# (LAUGHTER) Is that my penis? That's life-size, as well, Fearne, you would know that, as well.
Just you.
OK, it's all to play for in our final round of our Election Special of Celebrity Juice.
It's the buzzer round.
Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And so buzz in if you know the answer, if you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway and have a guess.
OK, ermfirst question.
What did Jessie J get rid of this week? ANNOUNCER: Emma Willis.
Her followers on Twitter.
Her followers on Twitter, yeah, that's correct! Why did she do that? I think she unfollowed everyone.
She unfollowed me as well, I was livid! She genuinely did.
I met her on here and I thought we woul Kicked to the fuckin' kerb! What did Kim Kardashian claim to do with Kanye West, 500 times a day? ANNOUNCER: Christopher Ramsey.
Take selfieslike twats! It's probably true.
ANNOUNCER: Joey Essex.
Breathe.
Breathe! Breathes 500 times a day?! ANNOUNCER: Holly Willoughby.
Have sex.
That's correct.
500 times a day?! His cock must be sore! Is that not just one, long shag? Who has sex more than three times? No-one.
Well, it's impossible, isn't it? Yeah! What advice did Madonna say she would give her younger self in a web interview this week? Chris Ramsey.
Wear a safer cape.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know what? I had to translate that in my brain.
Cos all I heard there was, (MIMICS ACCENT) Chris, do you live in Newcastle? No.
I actually don't, I live just outside of Newcastle.
Ain't it long, coming down to London all the time? There's trains, like really long, fast cars.
Still long, though, isn't it? ANNOUNCER: Holly Willoughby.
Holly Willoughby.
She said, "Don't kiss Drake, no matter how much you want to.
" font color="#ff "No matter how many times he begs you.
" That is correct.
What word has Amanda Seyfried got tattooed on her foot? ANNOUNCER: Fearne Cotton.
I've actually seen this in real life and she is quite proud of it.
It says, "Minge.
" It says, "Minge.
" Yeah, but it says "Ming.
" I know.
See what I'm saying? That's the end of the buzzer round.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do now, we are going to go to our political office to find out who is going to be crowned, I don't know if that is the right term, crowned? Elected.
Electedelected as Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
Let's go live now to Joey Essex.
Sneaky, yeah, sneaky.
It's obvious.
He's really not.
Can I have some dramatic music, please? (MOODY MUSIC WITH TICKS OF A CLOCK) I can tell you that the new Prime Minister for Celebrity Juice is Itis (LAUGHTER) He should do X Factor! It's Holly! (CHEERING) Stand on here.
There you go.
Flowers.
Thank you.
They're lovely.
There's yourthing.
(WOLF-WHISTLES) Oh, this is one of the proudest moments of my life.
This is an incredible moment for Celebrity Juice.
I'm just letting you know.
(LAUGHTER) Holly Willoughby, I now knight-forward-slash-elect you the new Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Thank you very much.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! Let's dance, you bastards! (APPLAUSE) (MUSIC)
Plush or what? There is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got dem bangers, mind! There is Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly went inside me! There is Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? Celebrity Juice, on telly, HD ready.
Good evening.
My name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome to a special Celebrity Juice Election Special.
We are not having teams tonight, because it is an election special.
We have candidates.
Each person on the panel will be playing for themselves, not with themselves, in a hope to become Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
That is what it's all about.
Let's meet our candidates.
First up, it is Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, Fearne Cotton.
You look like a really dodgy salesman at the moment.
You look like you are about to go to court.
You look like the queen of the lesbians.
You look like a really posh prostitute.
So, Fearne Cotton, who is not on your team but who is sat next to you? Well, the candidate to my left What you saying? He is ream.
It's Joey Essex! Brap.
Brap.
The candidate to my right, with lovely hair, it is Ella Eyre! Let's meet our other Not team captain, but the other person that's sat opposite, adjacent to Fearne Cotton, it's Holly Willoughby.
Holly, who is not on your team but who is sat next to you? Well, the candidate to my right Wahey, man! (GROANS) /fo That was more "Wahey".
I don't know what that was.
/font It's Chris Ramsey! On my left, she is very beautiful, she is the presenter of The Voice and Big Brother, it is the gorgeous Emma Willis! We have got Joey Essex here.
I don't know if you saw this week, on television, he did What was it called again? Educating Joey Essex: The General Election, What Are You Saying? I don't know how it fitted in the title.
For the title, did you just think of random sentences? Yeah, just thought of like a big word, like a sentence.
What were you saying? A big word with gaps in it.
We have go Let's have a look at this.
NARRATOR: Joey Essex.
Like a lot of us, he finds politics a bitconfusing.
What party are you voting for? I just say, "I don't know.
" Will Joey get politics? Will he ever learn to say Conservatives? Consertative.
We have got Joey here as our expert political correspondent.
Yes.
You will be doing the scores tonight.
We have a Shat-Ing-Ometer.
Whoever gets the most points throughout the show will be named the Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
That's insane, innit? That's crazy.
That is crazy.
Hey, it's Ella Eyre! (APPLAUSE) Is it true Brian May and Anita Dobson are your mum and dad? Yes, yes, it is.
Best hair ever.
She has got wicked hair.
/ It looks like Holly's bush.
You have a new single out, it's here.
There, Together.
I have got to ask you, what is the message? The message? Yes.
I think the short font color="#0 It is coming out like relatively before summer and everyone comes together at summer, don't they? They are the peripherals, but what is the message? Aren't you supposed to find out for yourself? Isn't that like a personal thing? Yes.
Sort of like, when you get home, and you listen in the shower, and you have like an epiphany and you are like, "Oh!" That is the right answer.
It's took like three series.
That is the right answer! There is a cover of one of my favourite songs.
Which one? We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes off to Have a Good Time.
Oh, yeah.
There it is.
# We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time # Why do you look so confused? I know, what's the matter? No, it's a great song to make love to, innit? And she has ruined it by making it all slow.
No, I make it slightly more like you wanna make love to it.
But that song on again.
Put Ella Eyre on again.
# Come on baby, won't you show some class? # Why you wanna move so fast? Stop.
Now put Jermaine Stewart on.
# We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time # We can dance and party all night # You with your sexy, husky voice! Can I just say thanks for letting me borrow your hairdryer? I'll give you it back.
(APPLAUSE) It's Emma Willis.
(CHEERING) How's it going, Emma Willis? What's new? What's the gossip? You make me nervous.
Why the fuck I KNOW you! I know, but this is still a nerve-wracking position to be in.
It could be worse.
You could've been between him and the As he was thrusting, I did have my finger there.
But you didn't.
Do you like to insert? No.
(LAUGHTER) Does Matt like it in t'trap too? Oh (LAUGHTER) New series of Big Brother starting next week.
Yeah, next Tuesday.
It's not going to be t'same show where everyone's stuck in a big house again? Yeah.
I fuckin' knew it, man! You know what I love best about Big Brother? What? When someone says summat they're not allowed to say on telly and they put t'birds on.
Fucking funny.
The other day, I saw Mark Wright.
You know what he said to me? (BIRDSONG) (LAUGHTER) (BIRDSONG) He said, "You can smell my fingers if you like.
" (LAUGHTER) Have you ever presented Big Brother and found it really difficult and you can't use your tongue and no-one can understand what you're talking about? No.
Well, you're going to love this little game here, called What You Talkin' Bout, Willis? (CHEERING) What I'm going to do is give you a point if you can correctly describe an ex-Big Brother contestant and your teammates can guess who it is.
OK.
You will be describing them with a peg on your tongue.
(LAUGHTER) It looks like a wooden tampon.
(LAUGHTER) But, believe me, don't try and use this as a tampon - it won't work! Why has it got a string on it? So I can control her tongue.
Chris, you're going first.
Oh-oh! You'll be out of time when you hear this sound.
(SHOUTS) That's Rylan.
We know him.
(INDISTINCT) Go, start, go! Go! Chris! Hold on, wait.
I need to swallow.
Right.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Who is she? Who is she? Chris, this is for Chris.
Who is she? Oh, my God! Who is she? "Who is she?" is what I would say back to you, because I haven't got a clue.
It was Nikki Grahame, obviously.
Who is she?! Oh! (BARKS) OK, Holly.
Oh, OK.
(MUFFLED) Welcome to Big Brother! Irish? Not Scottish.
I was going to say, it sounded Scottish.
/font (NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT) Welcome to Big Brother! (IRISH ACCENT) Welcome to Big Brother! Irish? It's a boy.
It's a boy.
Irish Boy.
Brian Dowling.
Yes! Yes! You've got a point! (APPLAUSE) Who's this for? Ella.
Big Brother, I need a cigarette! I've got to smoke! I need a cigarette! Cigarette! Cigarette! (LAUGHTER) I really don't think I'm going to get this right.
Is it Nadia? Yes! Yes! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Fearne.
How do you still look pretty doing this? Because she's fit as fuck! (LAUGHTER) Oh, that guy who wrote the bloody note! I know this guy.
He was on the first series.
What was his name? Nick Nick Nasty Nick.
(APPLAUSE) This is for Joey.
Sorry.
Oh, no! (LAUGHTER) I don't know anyone you've done so far.
(LAUGHTER) All right? All right? Uh-uh-uh! Tourette's! He'd got Tourette's, the geezer.
Yeah.
I've never seen a geezer with Tourette's in Big Brother.
(LAUGHTER) All right? All right? I love Nikki! Fuck that! I know him.
I swear I know him.
Joey, this fucking hurts.
(LAUGHTER) Er Go on, go on.
Rylan? (LAUGHTER) I don't know.
Rylan, who famously had Tourette's (!) (LAUGHTER) I don't know, sometimes he repeats his stuff.
(LAUGHTER) (SHOUTS) (KLAXON) It was Pete Bennett from Big Brother 7.
I've never heard of him, man.
Well done, Emma Willis! (CHEERING) It's an election special.
It's nice not to be doing rude stuff, for a change.
So we're going to play a very political game.
Time to play "General Election Or General Erection?" (CHEERING) Or what you have to do is tell me: is this someone from the world of politics, is it a general election, or is it indeed someone from the world of porn, a general erection? (LAUGHTER) I think we're going to start with Christopher Ramsey.
General election or general erection? Oh, what? I can't tell whether it's a fat man's chin or a naked woman.
(LAUGHTER) General erection.
Let's have a look.
Correct! (APPLAUSE) Holly, general election or general erection? Let's have a look.
What is that? That's a mouth, isn't it? It's a very passionate speech about politics.
So you are saying, general election? V-o-ote for me.
A northerner? Vo-o-ote.
This is a northern politician.
OK, well, general election, let's have a look.
That's correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Emma Willis, general election or general erection? Oh.
Them eyelids have got foreskin.
(LAUGHTER) It could be somebody asleepas they are just bored of hearing other politicians chatting about stuff.
Yeah, or it can be a man on the brink of explosion.
I don't think he looks like he's on the brink of explosion, to be honest.
I don't think he looks like he's enjoying himself too much.
He might be making love to your slow version of We Don't I'm gonna go erection, I think.
General erection? Yeah.
Let's have a look.
I hope it is.
Tony Blair! If you pull wider, he still looks like he could be having a general erection, doesn't he? Like that.
Ella Eyre, general election or general erection? I am gonna go That can't be someone's teeth in the public eye, seriously? He's saying it's someone's teeth in the public eye.
I mean, like, for a president, innit? Imagine a president doing a speech like that.
You look at his teeth, you would think, "Eugh, stop speaking.
" innit? I think that's got to be a porn star.
I think because Joey Essex thinks it is a porn star, I'm gonna go for general election.
General election? Let's have a look.
Yeah, you're right.
That was really good logic.
I'm gonna stick with that.
I've never heard of her.
Mate, on her manifesto, one of the things is to make everything 20% less reem.
You think she can't win just because of her teeth? No, I justcos that, what he said, it ain't true, is it? Maybe.
Fearne? Yes? Election or erection? Wow! (MUMBLES) I would go general erection.
He is definitely salivating.
It's a salivating, creepy mouth.
Yeah.
Erection? Yeah.
Genera (APPLAUSE) Eugh! Joey! Election or erection? (GROANS) I think I've seen this one, it's porn.
He can recognise porn just from the eyes of a man.
That is definitely porn, man.
If you get this right, I'm gonna Let's have a look, let's have a look.
A bit weird.
That's got to be porn.
Elec- Erection.
(APPLAUSE) Chris, I'm gonna give you one more.
Fantastic.
Erection or election? Oh I'm gonna go election.
Election.
Let's have a look.
You were half right.
(APPLAUSE) We are gonna go over to our political office now to speak to our political correspondent, here's Joey Essex.
(Joey, Joey, don't let them see.
) (LAUGHTER) Down.
Joey Essex will tell us who is winning the race to becoming the Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
Yeah, Shit-omemeterthe shit-om-om-meterthe shit Shat-ing! .
.
is a draw between Hollyand Ella.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores are - Shat-ing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're gonna go to an ad break now, we'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break - I am ready to mass-debate.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne, are you mass-debating right now? Hands-free, baby! Hello.
My name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Special Election Special.
Ella Eyre, have you ever been at home enjoying television and wanting to change channel, and you can't find the remote, and then you are looking all over for it, and you go, "Shit, it's in my hair!"? No.
Well, you will enjoy this round, as we play What's in Ella Eyre's Hair? Hello.
Welcome to What's in Ella Eyre's Hair? Yes, it's a political satire-type special of Celebrity Juice, so we have got Ella Eyre, and we have stuck loads of stuff in her hair.
Our panellists, or candidates, who will be running for the position of Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice, will have to guess how many items she has in her hair.
Do you get me? So, let's take a moment now and have a look at Ella Eyre's beautiful hair.
On screen, we will have a list of things that are in Ella Eyre's hair.
Have a little look.
There she is, spinning.
You look gorgeous.
She is wearing a red suit.
That means nothing.
She sat on the fence.
You are not bothered who gets elected.
Well, she is, but we are not allowed to say.
I had a quick look down then.
She has got a lovely bum.
Oh, something fell out.
That is one less thing.
Can I ask you a question? When we write down, do we have to name? The number of things you think are in her hair! What's in Ella's hair?! Do we have to name them? No! Just write the number of things you think is in her hair.
All right! Do I get to guess? You will only get a point.
I want to know I can actually fix this for you to win, if you come back to my room.
And do what? Well, we will play your slow version of We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off, and see what happens.
No, I am all right.
OK.
There's the klaxon.
Are you all right? I'm all right.
I'm good.
I will tell you what, I'll ask you first.
How many items do you think are in your hair? I reckon there is 12.
12? Uh-huh.
Christopher.
I went for 21 but then one fell out so I crossed out the one and did a nought.
20.
Holly.
I went for 32.
font col I put 28 but then one fell out so I put 27.
27.
Fearne.
/fo 17.
Joey Essex.
Here we go.
Tell us your thinking.
I went for 100, but then I obviously thought that was way too high.
And went for 60, but then one obviously fell out, so 59.
Then I thought 59 looks too much, so I said 44.
That is lateral thinking, innit? (APPLAUSE) Lateral thinking.
Lateral.
I can tell you that someone is only two items out.
I am guessing it is me.
Probably.
I have been right a lot recently.
You have proved that wrong today by having an argument with yourself on a bit of card.
I can tell you originally, before one item fell out, there were 31 items in Ella Eyre's hair.
Then one fell out so there was 30.
Which means, Holly gets the points.
(APPLAUSE) Thanks to Ella Eyre for sticking loads of stuff in your hair and, please, shake it off.
There's tartare sauce! Yeah, there's tartare sauce.
A screwdriver What the fuck is this?! There's a fucking tampon! A USB stick A mini whoopee cushion.
Listen.
(WHOOPEE CUSHION) (LAUGHTER) Ella Eyre, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, we're gonna go now to our political office with our political correspondent, Joey Essex.
(Sneak it, you have to sneak it.
) There has been a massive swing in the outcome, just to let you know that.
It's swaying to Holly.
Holly.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne.
Yes? A lot of the games on Celebrity Juice are normally quite rude.
The titles of them are quite rude, aren't they? Yeah.
Very rude.
Let's just do summat a bit straightforward and a bit more satirical.
Let's try.
I tell you what, shall we have a mass debate? Oh! Let's have a - ANNOUNCER: Mass debate.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ermhello, I'm Keith Lemon, you've joined me here.
We are about to have a mass debate.
Let's meet our candidates.
First up, standing for the U-Twat party, is Christopher Ramsey.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Debating the pros and cons of pissing on foxes, it's Holly Willoughby.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Attempting to steal Holly's votes and supporters, it's Emma Willis.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Campaigning to make big hair compulsory in primary schools, it's Ella Eyre.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Speaking on behalf of the man on the street, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And he gets my vote because he's reem! It's Joey Essex.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So what we did, we asked our studio audience the biggest questions facing Britain today.
We want you to tell us what answer you thought they gave by answering A or B.
If you wanna join in at home, #massdebate.
Are you ready to mass-debate? Yes.
Yes.
We are ready.
Holly, are you ready to mass-debate? Absolutely.
Never been readier.
Say it, then.
I am ready to mass-debate.
Fearne.
I also am ready to massdebate.
Are you mass-debating right now? Hands free, baby! OK, the first question we asked our audience Which would you prefer: a) someone pissing on your face or b) someone shitting on your chest? (LAUGHTER) Please, have a mass-debate.
If you're getting wee'd on the face, you're shutting your eyes and sort of going to a happy place, but if someone's shitting on your chest, you've got a front row seat to that.
And you smell it.
Wee is wee, whereas shit is variable.
There's many different types of shit.
You've got the hard guy, you've got the splatters - Hard guy? (LAUGHTER) Flock of seagulls! They could have eaten something a bit spicy the night before.
What if they've been out for a big night and drank loads of beer and it's the first wee of the morning? Go for it! Don't shit on me but piss everywhere! (LAUGHTER) A poo will take longer.
(GROANING) Who knows? Who knows? Lift your cards.
A.
A.
Emma, you've got the card the wrong way round.
No, there's an A there.
Turn it round! (LAUGHTER) Everyone is going for A, apart from Joey, who's gone for B.
You'd rather someone shit on your chest? The piss might go in my ears.
It would be horrible.
(LAUGHTER) So you would rather have someone shit on your chest! Yeah, but I'd get it straight off.
(LAUGHTER) 81% of the audience said they would prefer someone to piss on their face.
(APPLAUSE) This is a real serious question.
What did the audience say they'd rather do - listen to Fearne's radio show on repeat for an entire week, or go to prison? (LAUGHTER) I never normally get to listen to Fearne's radio show because I'm doing This Morning.
Good excuse! But since I've been off Let me finish! AUDIENCE: Ooh-ooh! Oh! .
.
I've been enjoying her radio show.
So I am going Which one was it? (LAUGHTER) Either way, it's got to be Fearne! Got to be Fearne? Yeah! OK, I can tell you, the answer was B, go to prison.
(LAUGHTER) Thanks (!) (APPLAUSE) I'm joking.
60% would rather listen to Fearne's radio show.
That's still quite depressing.
40% would rather go to prison! (LAUGHTER) Next question.
Did the men in the audience say they'd rather never have sex again - that's A) - or B) only ever have sex with Katie Hopkins? ALL: Oh! Do we even have to debate this one? Mass-debate? Yes! Can she talk during sex? It doesn't say.
Can I put a bag over her head? She would.
Does it matter if she would talk? Yeah, because he fancies her until she opens her mouth.
Well, no, I - You fancy her.
You're always talking about her.
It's like t'school playground shit, man.
Urgh! I wanna set your hair on fire! Because I'm in love with you.
Set her hair on fire?! You fancy Katie Hopkins! Imagine, as well, there's a lot of people into that dominant thing.
She's quite dominant and aggressive.
I bet there's people in this audience thinking, "I'll have a bit of that.
" When was the last time anyone bothered with her? Pull her knickers off, it would be like opening a packet of Weetabix.
(LAUGHTER, GROANING) Bits falling out, bats and that.
You've mass-debated.
Now tell me the answer.
I can reveal that 88% of the audience said they'd rather never have sex again! (APPLAUSE) We asked the audience: which would you rather have, a) Joey Essex's brain or b) Rylan's teeth? Think about it.
It ain't that bad.
Well, personally You can't tell the time.
Rylan's teeth can't tell the time.
But he can't tell the time.
He's probably frightened of the moon.
Butthe man's a millionaire.
I'll have his brain any day, mate.
(CHEERING) Ella just said "money isn't everything".
But you can buy better fucking teeth than Rylan.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Ask me any question you want.
Go on.
Who is Jesus's mum? Don't tell him! Moses.
(LAUGHTER) In which state was JF Kennedy murdered? Who?! He was in a horrible state because he got murdered.
(LAUGHTER) That's a good joke! That's a great joke! What's the answer? I think Joey Essex's brain.
Would the audience rather have Joey Essex's brain or Rylan's teeth? A or B? It's an obvious one, innit? (LAUGHTER) I can tell you, 67% of the audience said they would rather have Rylan's teeth.
(APPLAUSE) What? I don't think I'm that bad.
(KLAX0N) OK, let's go over to our political office and see what Joey Essex is saying.
Let's see who's winning that race to becoming Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice.
(Just slidey over there.
) (LAUGHTER) Sniper, sniper! Lower, lower! We can see you! (LAUGHTER) Who's in the running? Who might be Celebrity Juice Prime Minister? Holly is still in the lead, but I don't know whether she can be Prime Minister.
What do you mean, you don't know? I don't know if you've got the potential.
(GASPS) You're not the cleverest, are you, out of everyone? (LAUGHTER) Serious! That's one of the worst things anyone's ever said to me.
Joey Essex - I don't mean between me and you, I mean betwee I should (BLEEP) hope not, just between you and me! Anyway, the good thing, Holly, you are in the lead.
You are in the lead.
Oh, right.
(APPLAUSE) Sha-ting! (APPLAUSE) So Holly is in the lead in becoming the Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice.
Join us after the break to find out if she can hold that lead.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break I can tell you that the new Prime Minister for Celebrity Juice is Itis (LAUGHTER) He should do X Factor! Hi.
Welcome back to our political episode of Celebrity Juice.
Me and Ella Eyre are just having a draw-off.
She's drawing me and I'm drawing her.
It has nothing to do with politics.
I'm drawing you, too.
You are drawing U2? What, Bono? Or all the band? I'm drawing you.
Oh, that is good! I love the way you sign it, shall I sign mine? How come you are so good at art? I know what things look like and I can move my hands.
I love that, thank you.
Oh, it's all right, yes.
All right.
It's not bad.
That is good.
font color="# (LAUGHTER) Is that my penis? That's life-size, as well, Fearne, you would know that, as well.
Just you.
OK, it's all to play for in our final round of our Election Special of Celebrity Juice.
It's the buzzer round.
Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And so buzz in if you know the answer, if you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway and have a guess.
OK, ermfirst question.
What did Jessie J get rid of this week? ANNOUNCER: Emma Willis.
Her followers on Twitter.
Her followers on Twitter, yeah, that's correct! Why did she do that? I think she unfollowed everyone.
She unfollowed me as well, I was livid! She genuinely did.
I met her on here and I thought we woul Kicked to the fuckin' kerb! What did Kim Kardashian claim to do with Kanye West, 500 times a day? ANNOUNCER: Christopher Ramsey.
Take selfieslike twats! It's probably true.
ANNOUNCER: Joey Essex.
Breathe.
Breathe! Breathes 500 times a day?! ANNOUNCER: Holly Willoughby.
Have sex.
That's correct.
500 times a day?! His cock must be sore! Is that not just one, long shag? Who has sex more than three times? No-one.
Well, it's impossible, isn't it? Yeah! What advice did Madonna say she would give her younger self in a web interview this week? Chris Ramsey.
Wear a safer cape.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know what? I had to translate that in my brain.
Cos all I heard there was, (MIMICS ACCENT) Chris, do you live in Newcastle? No.
I actually don't, I live just outside of Newcastle.
Ain't it long, coming down to London all the time? There's trains, like really long, fast cars.
Still long, though, isn't it? ANNOUNCER: Holly Willoughby.
Holly Willoughby.
She said, "Don't kiss Drake, no matter how much you want to.
" font color="#ff "No matter how many times he begs you.
" That is correct.
What word has Amanda Seyfried got tattooed on her foot? ANNOUNCER: Fearne Cotton.
I've actually seen this in real life and she is quite proud of it.
It says, "Minge.
" It says, "Minge.
" Yeah, but it says "Ming.
" I know.
See what I'm saying? That's the end of the buzzer round.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do now, we are going to go to our political office to find out who is going to be crowned, I don't know if that is the right term, crowned? Elected.
Electedelected as Celebrity Juice Prime Minister.
Let's go live now to Joey Essex.
Sneaky, yeah, sneaky.
It's obvious.
He's really not.
Can I have some dramatic music, please? (MOODY MUSIC WITH TICKS OF A CLOCK) I can tell you that the new Prime Minister for Celebrity Juice is Itis (LAUGHTER) He should do X Factor! It's Holly! (CHEERING) Stand on here.
There you go.
Flowers.
Thank you.
They're lovely.
There's yourthing.
(WOLF-WHISTLES) Oh, this is one of the proudest moments of my life.
This is an incredible moment for Celebrity Juice.
I'm just letting you know.
(LAUGHTER) Holly Willoughby, I now knight-forward-slash-elect you the new Prime Minister of Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Thank you very much.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! Let's dance, you bastards! (APPLAUSE) (MUSIC)