It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e08 Episode Script

1 - CHARLIE: Where is it? It was right here.
- - I cannot find it.
And by the way, Mac, - - what're you even talking about? - The word is superstition, not "stupid-stition.
" I know what the word is, Charlie.
I'm saying your green man suit is a stupid superstition.
Oh, really? Then why do the Eagles keep winning? Also, by the way, dude, uh, you're a Cowboys fan, so shut the hell up.
I'm not a Cowboy fan, I'm a Tony Romo fan.
And he retired, so now I bleed green.
- Go, Birds! Go, Birds! - All right, well, I'm not going to the Super Bowl without it.
I got to find it.
Yeah, don't make us late, Charlie, all right? I-If you can't find it, you can't find it, you know? The-the fans have no effect on the outcome of the game, anyway.
- Do you know how football works? - MAC: Yes.
That's right, your voodoo bullshit is not gonna mean anything if Wh-What's going on with your eye? Uh, nothing, I got a, I think I got an eyelash in it.
Well, you're, like, scratching it, and it's blinking.
- I just, I slept on it funny.
- (Charlie groans) What the hell is the holdup here? MAC: Frank, this is why I wanted total control over the guest list, all right? The eyes of the world are gonna be on Philadelphia, and I want to show them that we are not just degenerates, okay? And that is why I'm very nervous about these guys.
MEN (chanting): Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Hey.
Chug! Oh! Do me a favor, hold that corner right there.
- What's this? - Uh, I got to put up a sign.
I want people to know we're closed for salmonella because of the Super Bowl.
Okay.
First of all, how is "salmonella" the only word you spelled correctly? And second of all, which is it? Are we closed for salmonella, or are we closed 'cause of the Super Bowl? It's very confusing.
- Look, do me a favor? Okay? Just go find green man.
- Yep.
Please? Please, thank you.
- Charlie.
Here, eat this asparagus.
- What? No, I can't eat that right now.
That-That's not right.
It's not part of my rituals.
Okay, do you know what's not right is that we are trying to start a family, - and you're not taking it very seriously.
- Okay, no, I hear you, but what I need to take seriously right now is the Super Bowl, okay? And that means sticking to my color system.
All right? I wear green.
I don't eat it.
I'm green man.
I eat brown, preferably, uh, milksteak with a little light char to it.
And I drink yellow, because beer is yellow, and that is what has been working all season long! - Oh, my God.
- I don't want to talk about this right now.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where're you going? - Huh? Got to find green man.
- Why does no one understand this? - (sighs) Nobody cares about your stupid superstitions.
- Dude, just get off my back, all right? Let me find it.
- No.
Man, look, I just wish one time you would not make everything so difficult.
Yeah, and you know what? Sometimes I wish you'd just disappear.
Yo, check it out.
I got one last surprise.
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor playing) (all cheering) - (whooping) - This is very nice.
Party bus! - No way.
- Fully stocked.
(overlapping chatter) (all cheering) - There it is! - You found it! - MAC: All right.
- You found the damn suit.
Can we go now? - DEE: Nice.
Where the hell is green man?! Where is it?! Well, I just can't find it, so I'm gonna have to, like, buy a new one on the way up there.
Who knows if it's even gonna have the same powers as the other one did.
I Where is everybody? Guys? - - Honey? Hello? Mac? Dee? Frank? I made my friends disappear.
I made my friends disappear! Rockin' around the Christmas tree At the Christmas party hop Mistletoe hung where you can see Every couple tries to stop Rockin' around Hey, Frank! I'm going through your stuff! Later we'll have some pumpkin pie And we'll do some caroling Hey, Mac! I'm going through your stuff! I got your sticky Bible! Dee! I'm going through your stuff! Deck the halls with boughs of holly Dee, woof! The Christmas tree, have a happy holiday Everyone dancing (screams) I don't know why I'm screaming.
This doesn't hurt at all.
Countdown to the game.
And start the clock.
E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles! All right, boys.
I'm home alone in the bar, you know? It's all me.
This is, like, my bar now.
Hey, cheers to you and the big game, boys, right? Really cool, too, man.
Those, like, those uniforms look really cool on you.
You guys look, like, really strong.
(chuckles): I am a little bored.
(growling) What the heck? Hello? Hello? Mac? Dee? Frank? Is this a joke? Cricket? Uncle Jack? - Is this a joke? - (growling) (gasps) (growling continues) It's only my imagination.
It's only my imagination.
It's only my imagination.
(gasps) (panting) Okay.
So, he tries to punch me.
He misses.
- Oh.
- He misses.
What an idiot, huh? - Yeah.
- (laughs) I got it.
(door rattling) - Hey, idiot.
- What? Read the sign.
"Closed for salmonella because Super Bowl.
" Well, which one is it? Is it closed for salmonella, - or is it closed for the Super Bowl? - I don't know.
Burglars.
- (panting) - (chatter continues outside) Thi-This is my bar.
(panting) I have to defend it.
Ah, I know.
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring - Snowin' and blowin' up - (shouts) Bushels of fun Now the jingle hop has begun Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square In the frosty air What a bright time, it's the right time - To rock the night away - (grunting) - Jingle bell time is a swell time - To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet Jingle around the clock Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin' feet.
(screaming) (screaming continues) (groaning) Ooh, ooh, that's a gusher.
I got to stop the bleeding.
Help! Help! (sighs) Oh, shit.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
- (groaning) - (chains clattering) (groaning loudly) (panting) (pants, shrieks) Oh, God.
Oh, this is gonna suck.
(panting) Oh! Shit! (groans) Okay.
(panting) - (sizzling) - (yells) (groans) MALE VOICE: It's time for the Super Bowl.
Super Bowl.
(groaning) Oh, man.
(groans) - (indistinct, excited chatter) - What? - (cheers and applause) - (horn honking) How is the game starting? Uh How did I lose an entire day?! Oh, shit, I got to get the TV on! (yells) (crying) Oh, shit.
Hey, uh, help? (panting) Oh, who am I kidding, man? No one's gonna leave their TVs right now.
My colors.
I-I didn't do my color rituals.
Guys, you're gonna lose the game because of me! I'm so sorry I let you guy I let you guys down, man.
I didn't Oh, I blew it.
(crying) It's gonna be my fault.
(squeaking, sniffing) Hey.
Hey there, fella.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Be careful.
Don't-don't don't go by the traps.
Don't Come here, come here, come here.
Come here, come here, come here.
Come here.
I got you.
- You're gonna be okay.
- (squeaking) 'Cause I know what it's like to be caught in a trap now, and it's not okay.
I won't let you get caught in a trap, okay? You're so cute and tiny and and brown.
Healthy-looking fellow, huh? Ah.
The brown is down.
The brown is down.
Wasn't too bad.
- (cheering) - (horn tooting) Eagles must have scored.
It's working! All right.
All right, let's get that TV on.
(laughing) (laughing maniacally) I ate my brown, and it worked! (laughing): I ate my brown! (laughing) Although I got a feeling that's gonna come back to haunt me later.
No, right now.
(retching) (whimpers, groans) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever eat a rat.
- Risin' up - (gasps) - (people booing, jeering) - (horns honking) - (groans) - (booing and jeering continues) (groans, mutters) Oh, man, that sounds like the Pats scored, huh? Okay, I-I just got to keep going with my colors, right? All right, that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm-I'm gonna keep going.
I'm gonna I'm gonna wear green.
I'm gonna drink yellow.
All right.
Green.
What's-what's green? What's green? What can I? Okay, I got it.
Okay, boys, I got it.
Here's the play.
I'm not gonna let you fellas down.
I'm gonna untie my shoes, I'm gonna toss them over the rope.
That's gonna lower that green paint can down to me.
(groans) (crying) (laughing) (crying) Shoes goes up.
Soar like an Eagle! Aah! Okay, boys, I'm not gonna let you down.
Soar like an Eagle! Yeah! (cackling) Oh, shit.
Okay, plan B.
(booing, honking in distance) Oh, no.
Okay.
(panting) Bear with me.
(yells, whimpers) All right.
Let's chew through this bad boy.
I'm gonna chew through it.
(grunts) (spits, grunts) There we go.
Okay.
Here we go.
(strained): Oh, no.
All right.
I'm just gonna have to catch it.
One (panting) two three.
(groans) (coughing) (groans) (coughing) Okay, I'm green.
- (groans) That's - (cheering, honking in distance) Nice.
Sounds like it's working.
All right.
Got to get some yellow.
(grunts) Got to get some yellow! Got to drink some beers, boys! (whoops) (crying) (grunts) (coughing) (laughs) I'm coming, beer! I'm gonna get my yellow! (grunts) Oh, shit! (pants) I'm stuck.
(grunts) (yelling) (yells) (panting) (grunting) (grunts) Oh! (crying) (clinking) (grunting) (crying) Not enough yellow! - (panting) - (booing in distance) Where the hell am I gonna get some yellow? - (urinates) - Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is awful.
JASON KELCE: You can do it, Charlie.
You drink that yellow.
You got us here! Now finish what you started.
Whoa.
Hey, dudes.
Finish your color rituals.
Okay.
Here goes! Go, Eagles! (gulping) Oh, that was rough.
Now turn on that TV.
Yeah! Oh! I don't think I can get there, boys.
You watched every game this season you can't miss the end of the most important one.
Oh, come on, man.
I did the color rituals.
Isn't that enough? The only reason the Eagles made it this far is because of your superstitions.
The rituals.
They say you're caught in a bear trap.
They say you lost two quarts of blood.
They say you're hallucinating! Who's "they"? Everyone who didn't believe in you.
And I got two words for them: (bleep) 'em! - Right! - You've got this, Charlie.
You're an Eagle.
- Yeah! - Now go turn on that TV! Yeah! (whoops) Here I go! - Yeah, come on, Charlie.
You got this.
- Come on, Charlie.
(muttering, laughs) (grunting) - Come on, Charlie.
Come on! - Pull that chain! Pull it! (Charlie shouts) - Yeah! - (laughing) - Come on, Charlie.
You can do this, baby.
- Let's go.
Oh, glass! - I stepped right on the glass! - Yeah, - but keep pushing, man.
- No pain, no gain! Okay.
I got it.
- Oh! - Oh! - (screams) I forgot about that one! Why would anybody do that to anybody? - Fight through it.
Fight through the pain! - (mutters) - Come on, come on.
- Move, move.
Oh, I forgot (yells) - Oh! - Shit! (groans) Come on, man.
You got it.
You took that one, eh? Keep going, - Charlie.
- (straining) - Come on, Charlie.
- Pull that chain! - BOTH: Pull that chain! Pull that chain! - I am pulling, - you big fat assholes! - Pull that chain! - (groans) - There's some slack in here.
Pull it.
- (crying) - There you go.
Come on, Charlie.
(strains) I can't do it! (groans) I can't do it.
No, no, it's too hard.
No, the trap.
It was designed for animals.
Yeah.
So? You're a human, dude.
Use your thumbs.
- What do you mean, use my thumbs? - There's a release lever on the bottom.
Thumbs.
What?! Well, why didn't you tell me there was a release lever?! You bought the trap, Charlie.
I only know about the release lever because you know about the release lever.
Y-You get that, right? Yeah, no, I-I totally get that.
- He's not getting it.
- We're-we're not real.
- No, I get it.
Quick question: where is the release lever? - It's on the bottom! - It's on the bottom! - The bottom of the trap.
- Yeah.
You set it up.
I see it.
Okay.
(grunts) - (straining) - (creaking) Oh! (pained laughing) COMMENTATOR: Patriots with the ball at their own - nine yard line.
- Oh! Oh, Brady's got the ball.
The ball What?! Brady's got the ball with time on the clock!? Oh, shit, what happened? What changed? Yeah you're gonna - have to get back in that trap.
- Yeah.
Aw, come on, man.
You just told me to get out of it.
Yeah, that was before Brady had the ball.
(groans) Does it have to be the same leg or - Yeah.
- Same leg.
- Damn it! Are you sure this is gonna work? Every single thing that every fan does, at home or at the stadium, makes a direct impact in the game.
Aw shit.
- Fly, Eagles, fly - - On the road to victory - Fight, fight, fight Fight, Eagles, fight Score a touchdown, one, two, three One, two, three Hit 'em low Hit 'em high And watch our Eagles fly Fly, Eagles, fly On the road to victory.
E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles! E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles! (trio chanting backwards)