The Simpsons s13e08 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) Oh! My brain! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SPURTING) A library selling books? If I don't want them for free, why would I want to pay for them? Why do you always wait till we arrive to complain? I don't know.
Ah.
The full Leonard Nimoy cycle, I Am Not Spock, then I Am Spock, and finally, I Am Also Scotty.
Mmm.
That's what we look like inside? It's disgusting! Oh.
That lady swallowed a baby! Good heavens! Lisa, you're not buying more than your weight in books.
But I have to save them.
The books no one buys get chopped up and fed to pigs.
(GRUNTING) Helen Fielding's giving them pigs Bridget Jones' diarrhea.
Well, what about this? The Duff Book of World Records.
It's got pictures of deformities.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) (GASPS) Oh.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Wow.
Now that's a goiter.
Why would Duff beer put out a book? It was originally published to settle arguments in taverns.
She said tavern! I'm going to Moe's! (HOMER RUNNING) I never agreed to that rule! (CAR DOOR CLOSES) (CAR SPEEDING AWAY) Well, I say the most clothespins a man could attach to his face is 87! You counting the neck? You know I am.
All right.
Outside.
Peace, my people.
All shall be looked up.
Let's see.
Most clothespins swallowed, inserted Here we go.
Clipped to face and neck.
116.
(SCOFFS) Jeez, I was wrong.
But I ain't angry.
And I'm magnanimous in victory.
Wow, that's the best book I've ever seen.
No.
The best book you've ever seen is Tom Clancy's Op-Center.
That thing knows me better than I know myself.
Oh.
Here's a good one.
The world's most overrated saint Francis of Assisi.
Francis of Assisi.
Oh, I've used up all these records.
Why don't you try to set a record, Dad? That's a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three-and-a-half minutes? Only on Mars.
The Simpsons are going to Mars! So pack your Or maybe I'll think of something else.
(CHAIR CREAKS) You're a cinch to be the world's fattest man.
No, I'm here for the greatest living actor.
I'm here to break a world record.
What's the longest anyone's ever done this? Three years.
(SMACKING LIPS) Fine.
I'll just play the banjo with this cobra.
(HISSING) Wait, wait, wait! Technically the cobra would get the record.
He's the one playing.
But it's my banjo! Mr.
Simpson, there are thousands of people like you with no discernable talent.
Yeah.
They're called Congress! (LAUGHING) Shut up.
Okay.
All the individual records were set by crackpots who half killed themselves.
The only way someone new can get in the book is with some kind of group stunt.
Group stunt? Like that town that made the world's largest omelet.
Denver? No, Spanish.
(HISSING) Fellow Springfielders! I have called you all here so we can enter The Duff Book of World Records! (CROWD MURMURING) We're going to build the world's tallest human pyramid! Finally this town will have a real claim to fame.
Aye.
We can stop all the lies.
(GRUNTING) I haven't seen this much flesh since Elke Sommer's hot tub party.
(LAUGHING) Seriously, Elke's great.
Always there for sick kids.
Doing great things.
Okay.
Let me check the specs.
Ah! My vision is coming to life! MAN 1: Hey! MAN 2: Hey! MAN 1: Thanks, great.
All right, I'll make base camp here and try for the summit tomorrow.
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Yeah, Dad.
You can be the world's laziest stunt organizer.
Why, you little (GRUNTING) (SPEAKING SPANISH) (SCREAMING) (GROANING) (PANTING) You're about a foot short of the record.
(EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) Wait a minute.
(LAUGHING) We did it! Springfield rules! Not yet.
You have to hold it for three Mississippi's.
One Mississippi Two Mississippi Dude, you're touching my hand! BOTH: Ewe! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, my hairstyle! Not again! Goodbye, cruel world.
Hello, ironic twist! (GROANING) I am so far from my car.
Dude, you're lying on top of me! Dude? Wait a minute.
Look at the scale! Divide by the number of people, subtract belts and shoes (GASPS) Everyone, welcome to The Duff Book of World Records! Springfield is the world's fattest town! (ALL CHEERING) Woo-hoo! In your face, Milwaukee! Congratulations, fellow Springfielders.
This town will no longer be known as "America's Sorrow.
" Today I declare Springfield "Fat City, USA!" (CHEERING) (PANTING) I can't believe it.
Everyone's celebrating their obesity! Yee-ha! (LAUGHING) (GROANING) (LAUGHS) Now that everyone's so open about being fat, I can finally stop sucking in my gut.
(EXCLAIMING) I don't know how this town got so fat.
Mom, we're out of Frosting Gobs.
Here, have one of my fudge-stuffed toaster pies.
Mmm.
(GROANING) You kids do eat a lot of sugar, but at least Homer can have a nice healthy grapefruit.
Yeah.
You can't improve on nature.
(SUCKING) (EXCLAIMING WORRIEDLY) Look at all the empty calories.
Ooh! Sugar-free donuts! No, that is sugar with free donuts.
Huh.
Apu, everything in this store is overloaded with sugar.
Marge has a point.
Sugar is not only fattening, it's also terribly, terribly addictive.
Is my carton of Pixy Stix in? No, it hasn't come in yet.
Damn it! When they come in, you call me at this number.
(APU READING) I am sorry, but everything in this store, from the honey-glazed cauliflower to the Choco-Blasted Baby Aspirin, comes from the Motherloving Sugar Corporation.
Well, I'm going to have a talk with them.
Where are their worldwide headquarters located? Why, right down the street.
That's lucky.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for the head of Motherloving Sugar.
Yes.
I'm Garth Motherloving.
I'm Marge Simpson.
Long-time customer, first-time complainer.
Hey, Marge.
I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, "Get the hell out of my office"? I want you to stop putting so much sugar in everything.
Or at least warn people that it's so unhealthy.
Mmm.
That'll boost sales! While we're at it, why don't I just change my name back to Hitler? Don't you have any sense of corporate responsibility? (UNCOMPREHENDING WHIMPERING) Hey! Look, lady, if you have a problem, bring it up with your sewing circle, okay? But we're on hiatus.
Everyone's everywhere.
Note to Marge.
Get out! I'll play it later.
(SLAMS DOOR) (GRUNTING) If you looked up meanie-beanie-fo-feanie in the dictionary, you'd see his picture.
Wait! You went to a sugar factory? Were there Oompa Loompas? There was one in a cage, but he wasn't moving.
Oh.
That company's ruining the whole town's health, and I don't know how to stop them.
Why don't you file a class-action suit? Oh, yeah! Like Erin Brockovich.
The prostitute with the heart of gold.
I'm not sure I can afford a fancy lawyer.
That's okay, Mom.
Today's law schools are churning out 2.
1 lawyers for every person in America.
Look.
(CLAMORING) Pick me! Pick me! Me so litigious! Pick me! I just passed the bar, see? (EXCLAIMING) Oh.
Hop in.
We want to sue the sugar industry for selling a harmful product.
We have to sign up plaintiffs and take depositions from the townspeople.
Ah, jeez.
You don't want old Gil going door-to-door.
Oh, I've made too many enemies selling suckless vacuum cleaners and Rick James Bibles.
Don't worry.
I'll do the legwork.
I'm filing a class-action lawsuit against big sugar.
Would you like to give a deposition? Sure.
I'll join your lawsuit.
Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive.
I'm happy and angry! (COCK CROWING) Oh, shoot.
I'll sign.
Figure them sugar folk owe me for what they done to my cousin, Dia-Betty.
I'm trying to slim down so I can fit into Momma's coffin.
That's my reward.
(SHUDDERING) Now let's see if I can remember how to make my mark.
I'll get down with your lawsuit.
Disco Stu got hooked on the white stuff back in the 70s.
(EXCLAIMING) (MORE MORE MORE PLAYING) More, more, more How do you like it? How do you like it? More, more, more How do you like it? How do you like it? More, more, more Oh, hello, Homer.
Well, well.
If it isn't the woman who's too busy saving the world to save her own marriage.
What are you talking about? Is that dinner? It was dinner! (SIZZLING) Why didn't you just turn off the oven? I was hoping we could do that together! (SOBBING) (HOMER EATING) (PHONE RINGING) Hello? FRINK: (DISGUISED VOICE) Marge Simpson? Who is this? I'm an anonymous whistleblower.
I worked on a top-secret project called Operation (NORMAL VOICE) Hoyvin-Mayvin! Professor Frink? Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the hoyvin or the mayvin or was it the whole gahoyving thing that I do? So, Professor, tell us about Operation Hoyvin-Mayvin.
Well, we knew perfectly well it was addictive.
Candy was just a sugar delivery system.
We thought we were God.
Hoyvin-mayvin.
Frink, you little weasel! I'll kill you! May I remind you we're in open court? I'll kill you, too! I'll kill you all! Mr.
Motherloving, that could be interpreted as a threat.
I'll kill you while you sleep.
Objection! I'll allow it.
Now, Count Fudgula, how long were you spokes-vampire for Motherloving's breakfast cereals? Twenty of your mortal years, but I had to quit when my fangs succumbed to gingivitis.
Now all my victims have to be mashed up.
ALL: Aw.
Your Honor, I admit it looks bad for me, but I think you might be turned around by some surprising taste-imony.
Sir, this is a house of justice, not a sugar shack.
It's Hershey highwaymen like you who made me fat.
Well, Your Honor, the court carries it well.
Silence! I rule in favor of Marge Simpson! ALL: Yay! Oh, I am so proud of you.
And thanks to Marge Simpson's damning evidence, I hereby ban all sugar products from Springfield forever.
Get in the car.
Good evening.
Our top story, Springfield's cake-hole has been shut forever.
Under what has been dubbed "Marge's Law," all forms of sugar are now illegal.
Thank you, Erin Choco-snitch! That was a group effort.
I was just trying to make this a healthier place to live.
Well, good work, Blue-hair-in-Brocko-witch.
Okay, that was mine.
So, say a bittersweet farewell to such old friends as mud pies, Bite 'Ems, Eclairios, Chew 'Ems, Kellogg's All-Fudge, Big Red Snack Foam, Milk Chuds, Eat 'Ems.
And all sugar pills will be changed back to highly concentrated opiates.
(I WANT CANDY PLAYING) That's it, boys! Burn it all! Even this promotional Johnny Depp from the movie Chocolat? We melted for him.
Now he's gonna do likewise.
All right.
Time to throw in the Butterfingers.
Hmm.
It's not even singed.
Even the fire doesn't want them.
(MOANING) Sugar! Need sugar! Aye.
They're not riding the white horse anymore.
My baby! Where's my baby? (WIND BLOWING) (WHIMPERING) Nothing left! Nothing left! Ooh.
A sticky spot! Mr.
Simpson, you're licking blood and VapoRub.
Part of me knew that.
(CLEARING THROAT) There is a small group committed to bringing sugar back to this town by any means necessary.
I'm with you all the way.
But first HOMER: Cool.
Gentlemen, I have found the final member of our cabal.
Count Fudgula? I thought you wanted to get off the stuff? I'm a monster! Don't look at me! (HISSING) Homer, we need you to help us smuggle in sugar from south of the border.
Oh, you mean Tennessee? No, the island of San Glucose.
(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY) (SIGHS) Good times.
Is it really worth risking your lives just for some sugar? MARGE: Dessert's on! I steamed some limes! Godspeed.
There is the island.
It's go time.
(THUD) (GROANING) (THUD) (GROANING) Oh.
I'm only doing this one more time! How's he doing? I think he's grossed out by some seaweed.
HOMER: Ew! I touched it! Over.
Get a grip, Simpson.
You're doing fine.
Now, do you have your map? Kind of.
(CAWING) Come on! Give it! I know.
I'll try reverse psychology.
I don't want that stupid map.
(GASPS) D'oh! Okay, man, here's the sugar.
Now, you give us the money.
(LAUGHING) That wasn't part of the deal.
He's right! Who wrote this thing? Well, we're almost home.
Has everyone keistered their personal supply? 'Cause I sure haven't.
CHIEF WIGGUM: (OVER BULLHORN) Hold it right there! Surrender or prepare to be sunk! No way! We'll defy you to the death! Stroke, stroke, stroke! (PANTING) I'm rowing as fast as I can, sir! No! I'm having one.
Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles? Yeah.
Let's do it! (MOTOR WHIRRING) My baby! I like to think we've made a difference today.
Good work, Simpson.
Before I bring the sugar in, I want to see the Oompa Loompa.
He's right over there.
That guy is freaky.
Well, here's your sugar.
No, Homer! You'll be condemning this town to a life of obesity and diabetes! Don't listen to her, Homer! Oh, they both make such good arguments! Please, Homie.
Dump the sugar.
For me.
(BEEPING) Sugar is pouring into the water! (LAUGHING) Aye, 'tis a sugary brine.
Mmm.
This sugar shark is delicious.
Ow! Hey, he bit me back! Oh.
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Gee, everyone looks so happy.
Indeed, Marge.
And now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority, and I declare the sugar ban over! Can we, Mom? Can we? Can we, Mom? Can we? Please, please, please? Please, please, please? Oh.
All right, but take Maggie with you.
Mmm.
I guess you just can't use the law to nag.
Maybe I should just stop trying to change the world.
No, Marge.
I love when you do that.
You're a regular Caring-a-lot-ovich.
That's the best one.
That's what I told Lisa.
(SUGAR SUGAR PLAYING) Sugar Ah, honey, honey Hey, I found some pearls.
No, wait.
They're just my teeth.
Well, I can still make a necklace out of them.
Honey Ah, sugar, sugar You are my candy girl And you got me wanting you I just can't believe the loveliness of loving you I just can't believe it's true I just can't believe the wonder of this feeling, too I just can't believe it's true Ah, sugar Ah, honey, honey You are my candy girl English - US - PSDH