It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s13e09 Episode Script

1 - Fly, Eagles, fly - CHARLIE: Where is it? It was right here.
- I cannot find it.
And by the way, Mac, - what are you even talking about? The word is "superstition," not "stupidstition.
" I know what the word is, Charlie.
I'm saying your Green Man suit is a stupid superstition.
Oh, really? Then why do the Eagles keep winning? Also, by the way, dude, uh, you're a Cowboys fan, - so shut the hell up.
- I'm not a Cowboy fan, I'm a Tony Romo fan, and he retired, so now I bleed green.
- Go, Birds, go, Birds! - All right, well, I'm not going to the Super Bowl without it.
I got to find it.
Yeah, don't make us late, Charlie, all right? I-If you can't find it, you can't find it, you know? The-the fans have no effect on the outcome of the game, anyway.
- Do you know how football works? - MAC: Yes, that's right, your voodoo bullshit is not gonna mean anything at the What? What's going on with your eye? Uh, nothing, I got a I think I got an eyelash in it.
You're, like, scratching it and it's blinking I just, I slept on it funny.
What the hell is the holdup here? MAC: Frank, this is why I wanted total control over the guest list, all right? The eyes of the world are gonna be on Philadelphia.
And I want to show them that we are not just degenerates, okay? And that is why I'm very nervous about these guys.
(chanting): Yeah! Chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug! - Chug, chug, chug! - Hey! Chug boom! - (laughs) - That's 15.
Post that, Jack, post it, baby.
I can't it doesn't work with this, uh (laughter) - Oh! - MAC: Oh, come on.
No big, giant, ridiculous hands.
What? What? D-Don't make me go without them.
I'm not making you go at all.
Frank, these people are the worst.
Come on, Mac.
This is the salt of the earth.
These people represent Philadelphia.
That's right.
- Yeah.
- You have literally picked out the biggest pieces of shit in the city.
I got to agree with that.
These guys are pieces of shit.
- What is in your mouth? - Chew.
- Awesome, cool, good to see you.
- Oh, my God.
- Cricket.
- Yeah, baby? Bad news, you're out.
- What? Wait, why? - Well, you are literally the worst representation of the entire city.
- Oh - Your nose is bleeding as we speak.
Okay, I came up portside on a horse, and he was a little quicker than me that's lesson learned.
You can't bump Crick.
- I can, I have, and I will.
- Oh, God.
I have an alternate.
Here he comes.
- Hey, guys! - Oh, hey! - Pumped for the big game? - Yeah, baby.
Yes.
Now, see, Rex represents the best - that Philadelphia has to offer.
- Oh, yeah.
Either way, Cricks, you're out.
Get out of here.
- Unbelievable.
I mean - All right, Crick, all right.
- You're the worst.
- We got to go, we got to go.
Yo, check it out.
I got one last surprise.
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor playing) (cheering, whooping) FRANK: Here you go, here you go.
- Is this a bar? - Nice.
- Nice.
- Fully stocked, baby.
(overlapping chatter) (cheering) - You found it! - MAC: All right.
You found the damn suit can we go now? - (whoops) - E! A! G! L! E! S! Eagles! - It's the eye of the tiger - It's the thrill of the fight Rising up to the challenge of our rival And the last known survivor Stalks his prey in the night And he's watching us all with the eye Of the tiger.
The eye of the tiger Yeah.
Wait for it.
- (grunting rhythmically) - Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
We're gonna sing it again? This is, like, the tenth time.
Oh, yeah, i-it turns out there's not that many songs about Philadelphia.
- (music fades) - Aw, man (overlapping chatter) REX: Uh, Charlie.
- What happened to your nose? - CRICKET: Uh You're bleeding, man.
Uh, um.
Oh, all right.
- All right, fine, it's me.
- DEE: Oh! - Cricket.
- Cricket! Yes, it's me, it's me.
I snuck on, all right? - Ah, this damn nose.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
We should, uh, uh, we should probably go back for Charlie, right? But Ah, I don't want to set a precedent of little mishaps setting us back, so Cricket, you're back in.
We're going to the Super Bowl.
- Yeah, all right.
- (slurring): Hey, Mac, uh, what about the waitress? She's gonna want to turn around.
- Sh-She don't even like football.
- Oh, yeah, football sucks.
But if Charlie missed the bus, he missed the bus.
I'm not missing a second of my dreamboat, Tommy Terrific! - Go, Pats! Go, Pats! Go, Pats! - (all yelling) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Drive! Drive! Go, Pats! Go, Pats! Oh, shit, pothole.
- (metal clattering) - (all yelling) Oh, something kicked loose inside.
(groans) - Oh, that was bad.
That was bad.
- Oh, yeah.
You're not looking so good, Frank.
- Yeah.
- You want a protein shake? - No.
No.
- Brought a couple cases of my new Invigaron berries to hock at the game.
MAC: Invigaron? You're involved in that pyramid scheme, too? No.
No hocking berries at the Super Bowl, Rex.
Just be meat, okay? Well take off your shirt, please.
- It's so cold, Mac.
- (groans) - And you.
What's going on with you? - No, no, no.
I'm fine.
Just a little intestinal cramping.
I'll be fine.
- Come on, let's rent a car and ditch these dodos, okay? - Oh, Jesus.
W-What's wrong with your eye? It's, like, way worse.
Okay, I get it, I get it.
It's "Pick on Dee for No Reason Day.
" Real original.
(grunts) Uh, okay.
Oh, man, I got grease on my jean shorts.
All right, well, uh, all right, there's good news and bad news.
The bad news is, the axle's bent, - and this bus isn't going anywhere.
- (groans) But the good news is, is we passed a Walmart a few miles back.
So you can go get some parts.
Oh, no, no, no.
They don't have axles there.
But I can get a new pair of jean shorts.
Damn it, Frank.
I knew this would happen.
We invite the wrong crowd, and now we've got people going on expeditions for jean shorts.
And hocking magical berries and rooting for the Patriots? This always happens to us.
Every single thing we do turns to shit.
And now, we finally have an opportunity to be something, to be winners, and we're not gonna make it.
We are never, ever gonna make it to the Super Bowl.
Well (chanting): E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles! ANNOUNCER: Hi, everyone.
Welcome to Super Bowl LII.
Well, we made it to the Super Bowl.
That was easy.
Yeah, it was incredibly smooth.
All right, guys, let's go out into the stadium, see what we can get ourselves into.
- (cheering) - MAC: Guys, guys.
Let's just stay in the box, all right? You know, for the whole game, everybody just stays in the box.
(booing, jeering) Let's-let's cool it on the boos, you know? That's-that's kind of, like, what we're famous for, you know? We-we boo ourselves, we boo the Eagles, we boo Santa Claus.
Let's save our boos, for the team that deserves it.
And that's the most successful franchise in the history of organized sports.
Okay.
Let's just be the most respectful Philly fans we can be.
Mac's right.
Everybody, just act like you belong.
(booing, jeering) - What? What? - That's okay to boo.
Yeah, Dee, your eye does not look good.
Okay, "Everybody look at me, I'm a stupid Pats fan, making up stuff about Dee's eye.
" Dee, you definitely have pink eye.
I-I don't have pink all right.
Would a person with pink eye do this? - (gasping, booing) - Would she do that? - Boo.
- What? - Guys, the game's gonna start.
Kickoff, kickoff.
- Oh! - Kickoff, kickoff.
- (cheering) Guys, stay positive.
Stay positive.
ANNOUNCER: Gostkowski approaches the football, and Super Bowl LII is underway.
Oh, I like this drive, boys.
- (groans) - I like this drive.
Birds look good.
Birds look good.
Frank, what's going on, man? - Huh? - What's wrong with you? I just got to go to the bathroom.
We can go? Let's take a, take a walk.
Well, h-hold on one second.
They're Eagles are driving.
- Let's just wait till there's a break in the action.
- I got to pee.
Hello.
Someone has been pushing the call button.
Nonstop.
Oh, that's me.
Yeah, I-I choked down some dogs too fast.
They-they didn't settle, you know? They came back up, actually.
On the other dogs.
Yeah, we're gonna need some reinforcements there, pal.
Can we get some binoculars up in here, too? Oh, my God.
(laughs softly) How did I move all the way to Minnesota, and I'm still waiting on you people? - Huh? - What are you talking about? - I've waited on you.
- I-I don't know this guy.
- No, you never waited on us.
- Uh-uh.
- We don't live in Minnesota, bud.
- Yeah.
I have waited on you back in Uh, you know what? It's not worth recapping.
W-What's the point? Hey, man.
You seem a little stressed ooh.
You're kind of frail.
You need to get swole.
What if I told you there's a berry that can handle all your fitness needs? I'm good, but thank you.
I'm just gonna go do my job.
- Oh! - (laughter) (laughter, booing) I tied his shoelaces together.
(laughter) This Minnesota rube, he's not ready for your big-city shenanigans, Frank.
Waiter, run and go get us some beer, would you? - ANNOUNCER: And the kick is good.
- (cheering) And the Eagles lead Super Bowl LII I got to pee now.
I got to pee now.
- Yeah, let's go now.
- All right.
There's a break in the action.
- Frank, we got to come back fast.
Come back fast.
- I got to go.
FRANK: Oh! God! Damn it! What's going on over there, Frank? I got a kidney stone.
(growls) Oh.
O-On the bus.
I felt a little piece of kidney stone break off and go through the, into the bladder.
Why didn't you tell me that you have a kidney stone, dude? I don't want to freak you out.
Well, you're freaking me out now, man.
- (crowd cheering) - Oh, shit, we're missing something.
Listen, Frank.
This kidney stone better not screw us up.
(scoffs) I can manage.
This ain't my first rodeo.
ANNOUNCER: The P.
A.
T.
is no good.
He missed it.
- (jeering) - Yes! (moans) We don't see the touchdown and then they miss the extra point? Dee, how'd the Eagles score? Who knows? I can't see a goddamn thing this high up.
These seats are the worst.
You can't see because you have a very serious bacterial infection in your eye.
- Hey, you got new hands.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, I like them.
- (chuckles) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going? Oh, ding-dong here's getting honored with the rest of the vets.
I'm gonna sneak down there with him.
When we get close to the field, I'm gonna let you in on a little plan I've whipped up.
No, no plans, all right? Just stay in the box.
Guess what? No one's talking to you, okay? All right, when we get close to the field Whoa.
Dee.
Both your eyes are looking real bad.
MAC: Oh, yeah, that pink eye's disgusting.
So, you know what, you can go, but I'm, I'm just gonna cover you up so people don't know that you're from Philadelphia.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Mac, come on.
What're we doing up here, huh? L-Luxury suite? Napkins? Utensils? We're going soft up here in this ivory tower.
I mean, if they get to go, we should, too.
Come on, let us loose, Mac.
Unleash the fury! I mean, how's Brady even supposed to know I'm here in this stupid box? The guy Tom Brady does not care that you are here.
Guys, nobody leaves the box! All right? And you.
Take off the goddamn shirt! - (gasps) - Whoa.
Oh What am I looking at here, Rex? It's the Invigoron berries, man.
They're loaded with sugar, but I'm in too deep.
I've got to sell 40 cases of this stuff or I'm gonna lose my apartment.
ANNOUNCER: The snap is good, the hold is perfect (all groaning, jeering) Oh, yes! In your face! In your face! (laughs) ANNOUNCER: Brady hands off to James White.
He's across the 20, avoids another tackle and crosses the goal line.
- Touchdown, Patriots.
- (groaning) Yes! Hell yeah, another Patriots touchdown.
Tommy Touchdown coming to get y'all.
Yes.
You know what? You get out, too.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
- I can go? - Yes.
All right.
Tommy, Mama's coming.
I got to piss.
The stone's making me go.
I got to go.
Frank, I've already taken you, like, three times, all right? And all I've got to see are good plays by the Patriots.
- Let the man piss.
- Yeah, I got to go.
No.
Every time Frank goes to the bathroom, the Eagles score.
(choir sings) - (grunting) - Are you pissing? Piss, Frank, piss.
I'm pissing, and it hurts like shit.
What's going on with the game? Just keep peeing.
I don't know.
It's not updating.
ANNOUNCER: throws into the end zone.
Touchdown! - Us or them? Us or them? - I don't know, Frank.
- I don't know.
What happened? Wha? - Hey-oh! - Pondy, what happened? - Eagles score! Yes! Pondy, I need you to bring as much beer to this bathroom as you possibly can.
- Frank, drink! - Got to piss.
I need you to piss through this entire game, Frank.
- We can't leave this bathroom.
- I want to The Eagles need us.
(marching band playing) (clattering) (indistinct chatter) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Hold on.
You need a pass.
- Hey, whoa, watch out.
Watch where you're going.
- Oop, sorry.
- Open your eyes.
- Sorry.
(groans) Oh.
Perfect timing, man.
I need to get this out to Brady.
ANNOUNCER: Brady's ready to go out.
He's really wiping that sweat off with that towel.
I mean, he's really going at it.
Just squirt some out, man, squirt it out.
I can't piss no more.
It hurts like shit.
You got to force it out, then.
Where's Pondy with the beer? Oh! You, you! Ten beers, stat.
I'm off duty, just here to go to the bathroom.
- Mac, the crew got out.
- What? - REX: It's not just a berry.
- MAC: Oh, no.
It's a berry found deep in the jungles of the Amazon forest, and available for the first time! I'm a happy client.
First down! Whoo, yeah.
I love you, Tom.
ANNOUNCER And it's always nice to see our nation's troops being honored.
We are Philadelphia! These guys are a total embarrassment.
(sighs) We blew it, man.
Now Brady's got the ball with two and a half minutes left.
He's gonna take the ball down the field, he's gonna score, and he's gonna win the game.
Because that's who he is, man.
And you know who we are? We're losers.
All of Philadelphia.
We're angry, and we're mean and we're cruel.
And we act like jerks, and now these assholes, they can't even bring us beer so that you can pass the stone and we can win the game.
No.
No, no, Mac.
You got 'em all wrong.
No.
Those guys, those guys are Philadelphia.
They bust their ass every day just to get through.
And then, on a Sunday, they put all their hopes into the Eagles.
And year after year after year, their team lets them down.
And they get angry.
And that anger builds into a stone of fury.
And if it could just be released, then we could feel something different.
What? W-Well, then, you, me, us, those guys, the whole city of Philadelphia could feel like champions! - (grunting) - Frank.
You got to push that stone out right now.
- You can do it.
- I can do it.
- You can do it.
- I'll piss it out! Do it for the Birds, Frank.
Do it for the whole city of Philadelphia, man, push! ANNOUNCER: Brady, with White to his right, takes the snap.
Do it like Rocky, man.
Push.
ANNOUNCER: Brady back, steps up.
He's hit by Brandon Graham.
- (grunting) - The ball is loose.
(laughs) ANNOUNCER: And the Eagles have it! The Eagles have it.
It's recovered by Derek Barnett.
Brady lost the ball.
Looks like he couldn't see the defender.
It's-it's like something was wrong with his eyes.
WAITER: Brady fumbled.
The Eagles recovered.
- You did it! - Oh, no, Mac.
We did it! BOTH: We did it! We did it! We did it.
We did it! We did it! I don't know why you care, fair-weather fan.
Fair-weather fan.
You're from Minnesota, that's okay.
E-A-G-L-E-S! Eagles! Fly, Eagles, fly Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What? - What're you singing about? Oh, I'm over Tommy Fumbles.
I'm all about my man, Nick Foles! Gross.
You know, it doesn't matter.
Guys, I have an announcement to make.
I owe you an apology.
You guys are true representations of the city of Philadelphia.
And we came together as a city.
And, guys, we helped the Eagles win the Super Bowl.
- They won the Super Bowl! - (cheers) Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Brady got the ball back, and there's 58 seconds left in the game.
What did you do?! You sons of bitches, this is your fault! You screwed it up! What're we gonna do? What do we do? Do a superstition.
Frank! Pee! Pee! Pee! - Hey, I'm dry.
- Somebody do a superstition, quick! Charlie! ANNOUNCER: The Patriots with the ball at their own nine yard line.
Oh! Oh, Brady's got the ball.
- ANNOUNCER: They are out of time outs.
- Wha-What?! Brady's got the ball with time on the clock? Oh, shit.
What happened? What changed? Yeah, you're gonna have to get back in that trap.
- Yep.
- Aw, come on, man.
You just told me to get out of it.
Yeah, that was before Brady had the ball.
Ah.
Does it have to be the same leg or - Same leg.
- Damn it! Are you sure this is gonna work? Every single thing that every fan does, at home or at the stadium, makes a direct impact in the game.
- No, you're right.
I want to help you win.
- (phone rings) Oh, I'm getting a call.
Let me think about this for a minute.
Hey, what's up, Mac? Hey, Charlie, what's g Whoa, man, what the hell happened to you? - It's a long story.
- All right.
Well, did you do your superstitions? Brady's going to Gronk; we're screwed.
I got one thing left to do.
All right, well, you better hurry up, man.
I'm doing it.
Here it goes.
MAC: He's backing up in the pocket! ANNOUNCER: He's back again.
He steps up.
- MAC: Brady's backing up.
- ANNOUNCER: He's hit.
He stumbles.
- Do it, do it now! - He's throwing! ANNOUNCER: He is going deep for the end zone, and it is batted around and incomplete! And the game is over.
(laughs) - (all cheering) - We did it! We did it! The superstitions are real! Yes! (cackling) MAC: Charlie, you did it! You did it, you were right.
The superstitions were real.
You did it, man! (wails, laughs) ANNOUNCER: What a tremendous Super Bowl.
It is still a mystery as to what happened with Brady's eye, but it had to have an effect on his play late in the game.
What a win for the Eagles, - and what a win for the city of Philadelphia.
- We did it! (all cheering) They did it! They did it! They did it! They did it.
- It's over! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - They did it! - They did it! Oh, my God, they did it! (trio chanting backwards)