Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e09 Episode Script

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You? - the show that separates fact from fiction.
On Lee Mack's team tonight - it's the comedian who's as talented and drop dead sexy as he is adept at hacking into autocue machines.
It's James Acaster! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you, thank you, Rob.
And a professional dancer from Strictly Come Dancing.
She's happily married.
She's recently divorced.
We'll edit that nearer the time.
It's Oti Mabuse.
APPLAUSE And, on David Mitchell's team tonight, star of First Dates and one of France's finest maitre ds.
I asked him what the soup de jour was and he replied, "Soup of the day.
" It's Fred Sirieix.
APPLAUSE And an actress and reality star from Love Island.
It's like Big Brother, but, instead of a diary room, they have a swimming pool full of disinfectant.
It's Dani Dyer.
We'll begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Dani is first tonight.
Oh! "I once thought a slug was trying to send me a message.
" - Lee's team.
- Hang on.
- Like a snail, slug's a snail.
- Like a homeless snail? Snail without a shell.
What do you call them in South Africa? They're like so big.
- A shell-less snail.
- A shell-less snail? - Yeah.
Are you winding me up? Cos if I go to South Africa and say that.
If I go, "Hey, look, there's one of those shell-less snails.
" They go, "I think it's called a slug.
" Definitely a shell-less snail.
What was the message? So I just thought slugs were like a bad aura.
I come home one night and there was just a slug in the middle of my living room and I didn't know how he got there.
- Is it carpeted, your living room? - Yes, it's carpeted.
- But I've never seen a slug before, in my house.
- Right.
I've come home, after a few hours, and he was just sitting in the middle of the living room.
But why do you think he was trying? When you say "sitting" LAUGHTER Honestly, he was looking at me.
- What was the message he was trying to give you? - The message? You said he was trying to give you a message.
Because I sort of Googled it.
Right.
What did it say? It just said, well, certain things, you know, are like a bad aura.
The slug had a Google page? No.
There's a lot things on Google.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
- Yeah.
- I've had Google printed out and I'm working my way through it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE When you say it was a bad aura, do you mean aura or do you mean omen? - Well, bad omen.
- Omen III was a bad omen, wasn't it? I and II were pretty good.
What did you? Cos, like, if you just Googled slugs - Yeah.
- .
.
it's not going to come up they're a bad omen.
So what did you Google? I literally typed in, "Slug in my living room - what does it mean?" As opposed to the other one, "There's a rat in my kitchen, what am I going to do?" Listen, I was on my own.
I was scared.
I didn't know what to do.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- And you thought, you didn't want to run cos he might chase you.
- Why was that your first question, though? - It is an unusual question.
- Yeah.
- You didn't know what to do.
"There's a slug in my living room.
"I don't know what to do.
" But your first thought is, "What does this mean?" - Yeah, what does this mean? - You mentioned, Dani, earlier, you said I think I'm right in saying you said the slug was looking you in the eye.
Yeah.
Yeah.
As I walked through the little hallway - Yes.
- .
.
he was directly opposite me.
- Oh! - Hang on, hang on.
Do slugs have eyes? - No, they're - They're the eyes, aren't they? I think they are.
- So those bits were looking at you? - Yeah.
How did you know? I mean, did they literally, were they doing that and you walked in and they went? Good evening.
Do you have any other superstitions, other than the slug? Anything, like, walking under a ladder.
Walking over three drains.
- Three drains? - You know, the three drains? I've not heard that one.
The three drains? Apparently, like, if you walk over three drains, - someone's meant to touch you and you're meant to spit.
But that's - What?! How long are you allowed? I mean, at some point, if you walk over one drain and then another drain - Yeah.
- When does it reset? - Three drains in a row! - It's just got to be drain, drain, drain.
- Yes, drain, drain, drain.
- Drain, drain, cup of tea - No, no.
- .
.
you're back to - No.
- Oh, great.
- All right.
Well, I mean, it's, it's serious stuff.
- Yeah.
Was it raining and you had a window open? - No.
- So how did it get in? - It was I don't know how it got in.
That's what I mean - what does it mean? LAUGHTER OK, let's not go round again.
Oti, is she telling the truth? Don't know.
You think it could be true? Yeah, but don't listen to me.
Ah! I think it's true.
- You think it's true? - Mm.
- I'm saying true.
I genuinely don't care if it's true or a lie.
She's won me over.
I wonder, what did it mean? So, Lee, what are you going to say? - I'll go with my team and say it's true.
- You say it's true? - Mm.
OK, Dani, the slug in the living room - was it the truth or was it a lie? It was the truth.
- Yes! - Well done.
Yes, it's true.
Dani did think a slug was trying to send her a message.
James, you're next.
I once had to break into my own flat halfway through a haircut.
David.
Interesting.
So Well, tell us the scenario.
I was having a haircut.
Where were you having a haircut? On my door, on the doorstep of my flat.
- Now, that's an unusual location.
- Do you know why? Because he didn't want to clean the hair that was on the floor in the flat, so he's outside, just to push it on the step.
I can understand why you might The more work you can do for me, Fred Thank you very much.
- Yes, that's why.
- Why weren't you in a hairdresser's or barber shop? Do you want to take this one, Fred? Didn't have much money at the time and my flatmate was pretty sure that she could cut my hair.
She was pretty confident.
Why be outside? Because, if you do it inside, you've got to sweep up all the hair.
It's too messy.
We thought, if we did it outside, we wouldn't have to Where was the plug? - Huh? - Was there a plug outside? Was it clippers, scissors? Oh, it was scissors - that's all we had.
It was an acoustic, as it were.
- Yeah.
It was an acoustic haircut.
- Yeah.
- Unplugged session.
What was the haircut? Well, it was meant to be something close to this, but it got interrupted halfway through.
So it ended up that it was short at the front, short at the back and kind of like that at the side, like quite long.
- Like someone took a mullet and went like that.
- Yeah.
So she wasn't trained as a hairdresser? In no way, shape or form.
And you did not mind that she was going to cut your hair? It was an adventure.
- Where you 'igh? - Was I.
.
? High.
No, we're on the bottom of the flat.
- I loved that.
- Thank you very much.
They don't respect this kind of stuff, but I do.
Now, you said that you were interrupted.
What was the interruption? Oh, well, we realised that we'd locked ourself out the flat because a cat wanted to get in the front door.
Asked each other, "You got your keys?" Ah! Neither of us had brought our keys out.
- Was it your cat? - No, it wasn't our cat.
It was just a cat, wanted to get in the door, and we weren't going to be like, "Who're you visiting?" So this is not the door to your flat, this is a door to the block of flats? Yeah, we were outside, like outside outside.
- So which floor did you live in? - I think we're the third floor.
So how did you get up there? We asked some builders for a ladder.
I asked them first and they said no, and then my friend asked them and they said yes.
And at the time I was all like, I was a bit stupid and I was like, "They're just letting you cos you're a girl.
" And then she pointed out, "You've got half a haircut and no shoes on.
" Did you consider, when you've noticed you've been locked out - Yeah.
- .
.
did you consider finishing the haircut before trying - to get back in? - I had to be in central London quite soon for a gig, and my wallet and everything was in the flat.
I wouldn't be able to travel there, so I needed to act now.
I couldn't finish the haircut.
Luckily, I'm a comic and I'm allowed to look silly.
All right.
What are you thinking? I don't think so.
Why would you get somebody to cut your hair with scissors? I mean, if it was clippers and you had a haircut like me, I'd understand.
- But with scissors - I mean, it's got to be a lie.
My team think it's a lie - I can see why they think it's a lie - - and so - You're happy to go with lie? - We're happy to go with lie.
OK.
James, were you telling the truth or was it a lie? I was telling the truth.
- Oh, no! - No.
It's true.
James did break into his own flat halfway through a haircut and we have a picture of the haircut.
Oh, my God.
LAUGHTER Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Jake.
APPLAUSE So, Oti, what is Jake to you? This is Jake and, on the German version of Strictly, I knocked his tooth out with a high kick.
So, Oti's damaged dancer.
James, how do you know Jake? This is Jake.
When he split up with his girlfriend, everyone blamed me instead of him.
Right.
James's break-up buddy.
And finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Jake? This is Jake.
I once knocked him into a grave with a Frisbee.
So there we have it.
Oti's damaged dancer, James's break-up buddy or Lee's Frisbeed friend.
David's team, where to begin? OK.
So why were you on German Strictly? Oh, so I live in Germany and that's where the UK version found me.
And Jake was your? He was the celebrity.
What does he do? - He's a weatherman.
- He's a weatherman.
- Wetterman.
LAUGHTER - What is he? - Wetterman.
He's a German weatherman.
But he's very talented because he's a weatherman.
I mean, this is difficult to do.
LEE: Well, is it? And also he can dance.
I have a lot of admiration for the weathermen and weatherwomen, yeah.
That's cos all you're doing is showing people to tables, it probably looks really skilful! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How good a dancer was he? Cos, on Strictly, you often have people that aren't very good.
- We made it up to week nine.
- That's not bad.
- No, in German that's zero, so it means week zero.
- No, no, no! LAUGHTER - Nein means no.
- It's close enough, Rob, it's close enough as a joke! - Nein does not mean zero.
- It means week no, OK? Just let it go! No, because the joke doesn't work.
Well, I think you'll find that all us lot disagree.
CHEERING So what happened? You said you hit him? Yes.
So this was during a live show, right? And the worst part is that was the end of the number, so you have to go there and stand by the judges.
No, no.
The worst part is you knocked his tooth out! Typical dancer mentality - "And the worst thing is we got judged terribly.
" Did you get through to the next week? Yes! - Germany, they vote.
- Germany have got a terrible history for voting for the wrong person, don't they? LAUGHTER AND GROANS Why is that an "ooh"? Surely you would agree with that? Why's that contentious? Is that a room-splitter? - Yeah.
- "Oh, no, we liked Adolf Hitler.
" LAUGHTER - Erm - Are you all right? Yeah.
I'm just contemplating the rise of Fascism.
- Wow! - What about James? James, what's the scenario? This is Jake and, when he split with his girlfriend, everyone blamed me - instead of him.
- Why? Because I had to deliver the news.
- What do you mean? - I had to We wrote a letter together.
We were like 15 and it was Jake's first girlfriend and he hadn't got experience of how to break up with people and, to be fair, I'd even less.
And we decided, he's like, "I've got to break up with her "and I don't know how to do it.
" Why's he got to break up with her? - They weren't really clicking, they didn't have much chemistry.
- Right.
Er Did you write it together? Yeah, we wrote it together in a field.
Do you remember that letter at all? It was, I remember it started off with, "Dear Yvonne, "this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write.
" Why were you in a field? We went for We liked to go for a lot of walks, - me and Jake.
- I can see what's happening here.
Am I the only one that knows what's happening here? Why didn't he write it on his own? Why you? Cos I think he was worried he would say the wrong thing, - and so we tried to like - So he wanted to make sure? Yeah.
It's like, maybe we can work on it together.
- OK.
- And we sat down in the field and wrote this letter.
And can you remember more of the text? I think, I know that it didn't really drop the bombshell until a little bit in cos I remember, when I gave it to her, to begin with, she was very excited to receive a letter from Jake.
- Oh! - And then she was going through - Did you stand there while she was reading the letter? - Yeah.
- You stood there? - Well, I She was in my form.
- Yes.
- So I'd to go over to her table and go, "This is from Jake.
" She was like, "Oh! Jake's given me a letter.
" And then all the girls at the table were like, "Yes!" - Oh! - Oh, no! - Why did you give it to her in front of other people? - That's awful.
I was 15 years old.
You're a grown man.
Did she look at you like, did she blame it on you straight away? Yeah.
As soon as they all got to that bit, they all looked at me like, oh, and were really furious with me and really angry.
- Right.
I see.
- Yeah.
- And Jake was, I mean, Jake's a wild boy - they kind of expected it from him.
LAUGHTER When you say When you say "wild", what exactly do you mean? He went through a phase when he used to jump in the school long jump pit naked.
LAUGHTER He played Mr Hyde in a play and licked a girl's face.
LAUGHTER I was in a band with him.
- Really? - He was a keyboard player, but he couldn't play keyboard so he turned it all the way down.
Then we chucked him out the band and he smashed his keyboard up in the woods.
He really is a wild man.
All right.
Now, what about Lee? - So, Lee, what's this grave Frisbee situation? - Just remind us, Lee.
This is Jake and I once knocked him into a grave with a Frisbee.
So how did that happen? Well, there was a Frisbee and it hit him and he fell in the grave.
- OK.
- I mean, what more do you need to know, David? Were you in a cemetery? Was I? I was just on the edge of a cemetery.
I was on the other side of a wall of a cemetery.
- Mm-hm.
- And so what were you playing, with a friend, kids or? Yeah, I find Frisbee on me own quite hard.
I know what you're thinking of, you're thinking of this is Jake and I once hit him with a boomerang and he fell into a grave.
So who were you playing Frisbee with? With my son.
And how high was the wall of this cemetery? It was about, it's quite low, about three foot, four foot.
- It's a very, very low wall.
- In French.
No, it was in the countryside, in England.
No, three foot, four foot is what in French? I don't know.
FRENCH ACCENT: It is there - four foot.
No, sorry.
It's four foot, huh.
- What was he doing in a cemetery? - What was he doing? - Yeah.
- He was actually the gravedigger.
Look at his face - of course I'm telling the truth.
I say gravedigger, I mean bodysnatcher.
Why were youwhy were you there? Were you on holiday? I just was having a day out to some church my wife wanted to see, so my wife and my son and me .
.
we went off.
We went off to the We went off to a field, had a look at a church.
My wife loves a church.
She's had a look at the church.
Me and my son are not interested in churches.
Are you all right there? I said, "Well, me and you" We always take a Frisbee because everywhere she goes and looks at, we often on Oxford Street, when she's shopping.
So how did she find out about that particular church? She went on Google when she was looking about slugs.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - So how did he fall in the grave? - Because he was looking at his hole, the hole he'd just dug and obviously just finished.
He was very proud - it's a six-foot hole.
It takes a long time to dig a six-foot hole.
Trust me, I know, I've buried a few.
He's looking down, thinking, "That's I've finally finished.
" But, as luck would have it, my son missed it, went over his head, hit him on the back of the knee, oh, and he's gone straight in.
- OK.
- How did you know he fell into the grave? How do I know he fell in the grave? Because there's a fella stood there and then he wasn't! All right.
We need an answer.
So, David's team, is Jake Oti's damaged dancer, James's break-up buddy, or Lee's Frisbeed friend? I don't buy the dancing, but I think James's story is very plausible and they look alike anyway.
That's not a rule! They're not claiming to be brothers, they're claiming to be friends.
- Well, you have to have a reason.
That's my reason.
- Yeah.
- What are you thinking, Dani? - James.
I really believed his story.
- David? - Yeah, I think probably James.
- OK.
There's no doubt within your team, David.
- There's no doubt.
We think we know, which is absurd because, of course, we don't.
Jake, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jake and James helped me break up with my girlfriend.
APPLAUSE Yes, Jake is James's break-up buddy.
Thank you very much, Jake.
CHEERING Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with .
.
it's David.
Last winter, I watched in horror as the tube train doors trapped the pom-pom of my bubble hat and carried it off into the darkness of the Underground.
- Lee's team.
- So you were getting on the Tube or? How did it? Tell us more.
- Well, the, erm, the tube - I'll rephrase that.
- Tell us anything you can think of.
- OK, fine.
The London tube network opened in the 1860s All right, I'll rephrase that.
- LAUGHTER - Specifically about this story.
Yeah, I was trying to get on a train, I was late, and I always run head forwards.
- LEE LAUGHS - Of course you do.
- Because it's the most aerodynamic way.
- Yes.
I didn't want to miss this train because there was, I'd have to wait two minutes for the next one, so I was willing to take any sort of risk.
Which door were you going to run through? - The double doors? - I The living room door.
- It was a double door, you know? - Right.
I enjoyed him in Harry Potter.
Double door, Dumbledore.
Oh, I see.
Sorry.
LAUGHTER - I'm there for you, Rob.
I'm there for backup.
- Thank you.
I thought I was having a stroke.
Now talk us through what happened.
It's now trapped.
Yeah, the hat's trapped.
I, because the doors are shut, I perhaps foolishly or perhaps sensibly, you be the judge, I have to say what it is first.
Erm - I-I sort of recoil - Yeah.
.
.
and that removes the hat.
And then I go, "Hah!" There's the hat, hanging there.
- And - And I thought, at that point, "There's no point putting my head back in.
" David, I've got a bobble hat down here.
Oh, may I keep it? - Would you like to put it on - Yes.
.
.
and try and re-enact for us? Let's see you run.
- OK.
- OK.
They'll have to redo my hair after this.
That'll be an hour of your lives you're not getting back.
- Right.
- OK.
- These are my doors.
- Yeah.
- OK? How fast are you going to run at me? Slower than you think.
OK.
OK.
- Yeah.
- Ready? You will be able to see me coming.
Did you just? Did you just wink at me? Yes, I did.
Are you flirting with me? I've never really known what flirting is, but let's see what happens and then we'll know.
Train's going to go now.
All the passengers are on board.
Please stand clear of the doors.
- MIMICKING OF WARNING BLEEPS Hang on! - What, what?! It's my only speaking bit.
- Will you cue me when you finish your monologue? - Yes! I'll wink at you.
Stand clear of the doors, stand clear.
Obviously, in reality, I was hurrying down the escalator.
- I wouldn't like people to think that - There! There's stairs there.
That's, that's not how the underground works! Stand clear of the doors, stand clear of the doors.
HE MIMICS DOORS - Yeah! - You've missed it! APPLAUSE It's gone! - Try again.
- Again, again.
The next one.
Stand clear of the doors.
The doors are closing.
Stand clear of the doors.
The doors are closing! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Yes? - Exactly.
APPLAUSE Lee's team, is it true? No.
David seemed to really have to make a lot of effort there to try and get through the tube doors.
Do you think David would run for the tube headfirst? - No, I don't think anyone would.
- No.
I think it's a lie.
So they think it's a lie.
Were you lying or were you telling the truth? Well, I was lying.
Yes, it's a lie.
David didn't trap his pom-pom in the Tube doors.
Next, it's It's Lee.
After asking a friend how he kept his dog's coat looking so lustrous, I have now taken to washing my own hair with dog shampoo.
- David's team.
- So what was the breed of dog whose hair? - Afghan Hound.
- Lot of hair.
- Lot of hair, the Afghan Hound.
- Lovely to see a lustrous Afghan.
- Yeah.
- When did you start using this new shampoo? - Sorry? - When did you start to use this new shampoo? - It's great having someone with such a strong accent - you get thinking time.
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that, Fred.
Sorry.
HE ASKS QUESTION IN FRENCH Five years ago.
Five years ago.
Five years ago you started.
And what's the brand of the dog shampoo? Canine Feeling.
LAUGHTER There's other ones.
There'sthere's Canine Springtime, Canine for curly hair - that's for the poodles.
It's just, it's fantastic.
It's made me feel great.
I feel alive.
I feel fresh.
I have a compulsion to wee on lampposts, but that's just a side effect that it says will happen.
- Yeah.
- I have a very weird way of greeting people now, but I have to check them out.
So are you mad or really vain? Vain, yes.
This comes at a price, Fred.
Comes at a price and that price is £9.
99 from most good pet shops.
I think it's unlikely, he wouldn't do that.
I don't think he'd do that.
However good the Afghan hound looked, I don't think you'd do that.
- You're saying it's a lie? - Yeah.
Lee, I am fascinated to find out.
Was it true or was it a lie? It was, in fact, a lie.
APPLAUSE - Next, it's Fred.
- Right.
I 'ate using towels, so instead I dry myself every day with a hairdryer.
OK.
The first question I've got to ask you is - why have you got a hairdryer anyway? SHOCKED LAUGHTER I have a hairdryer to specifically dry my body.
What is wrong with a towel? - I just don't like it.
- Do you go? Do you go everywhere with it? Everywhere.
Do you want me to show you? I'd love you to show me, yes.
I go like that Sssshhhh.
I suppose the drips are all heading down, like in a carwash, when the blower comes over.
What heat do you have it on? Then I change, I go like that.
Good question from Oti.
- Then I go, I go the back - He can't hear you, the hairdryer's on! Fred! What temp? Turn it off, he's asking you a question! Turn it off! - Which temperature do you have the hairdryer on? - What heat? - I've got it quite hot.
- Oh! - I like it quite hot.
- Oh, that can burn.
- You have a feeling of dryness - that you cannot get with a towel.
- Yeah.
When I'm finished, I am so dry.
LAUGHTER And then what I do, I do oil myself Oh! AUDIENCE SHRIEKS .
.
with coconut oil.
- Oh! - Wow! You do? You do downstairs? Yeah.
I've got to.
It would be weird if that was the bit he missed.
You cannot dry yourself like that with a towel.
No.
Well, I get really in the crevices with a towel.
- OTI: How do you? - Then you have to burn the towel! So, Lee, what, what's your team thinking? - Oti.
- I think it's true.
You think it's true? Yeah.
I do think that's true.
I've dried myself with a hairdryer before.
When you said it feels nice - it feels nice.
I can imagine it might feel, I might give it a go.
LAUGHTER - OK.
- Because I thinkthere are areas where you sort of feel, "Has it ever been dry?" David.
- Really.
- David, as your friend, I'm going to jump in here.
Yeah.
Go on.
Shall we say it's true? - Yeah.
- It's true.
OK, Fred, truth or lie? It's a lie.
What?! Yes, it's a lie.
Fred doesn't dry himself with a hairdryer.
I admitted to that - I said I did it.
I only said I did it cos I thought, "Oh, well, there's another person "who does it and I won't look weird.
" And now it's just me again.
KLAXON And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show and I can reveal that it's a draw.
Lee has three and David has three.
APPLAUSE Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time.
Goodnight.