Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e10 Episode Script
The Unseen Bits
Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie to You? Joining Lee Mack tonight .
.
Bob Mortimer, Steph McGovern, Greg Davies, Alice Levine, Asim Chaudhry, Lucy Worsley, Dr Ranj Singh and Clare Balding.
And joining David Mitchell tonight are .
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Claudia Winkleman, Sue Johnston, Jay Blades, Liz Bonnin, Victoria Coren Mitchell and Greg James.
So we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Asim, you're first up tonight.
I once ruined a date when I punched myself in the face.
LAUGHTER David's team.
What was the context? We were doing party tricks and she was doing all these kind of like She's, erm, double-jointed.
So she was doing Can you be careful with this? Because you already admitted you punched yourself in the face! She was like, "Come on, then.
What's your party trick?" I was like, "Well, I can kind of do this punching thing where, like, "I don't actually punch myself, but I kind of, like, move with it.
" You know? Like, I still get the sound.
- I've got a massive neck.
- Yeah.
- Show us it, show us it.
- Erm, OK.
So it was basically, like It was like HE STAMPS HIS FOO .
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like that.
You know? It doesn't actually hurt, but - Wow.
- It looks pretty good, right? Certainly, if you're trying to impress a young lady on a first date .
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you'd be hard pushed to find anything better than that.
APPLAUSE So, as you can see there, it's not great.
And that was the problem.
What I did is I kind of, like, forgot to move with it, cos that's the whole thing, you move.
I clip my jaw and the side of my cheek, so I'm bleeding.
She didn't realise this, but I could feel the blood filling up in my mouth.
So, erm, I went to the toilet.
I went MUFFLED SPEECH: ".
.
Hey, I'll be back in a minute.
" And then I was in the toilet and it wasn't stopping, it was, like, my tongue and my mouth and it was, like, literally pouring out of my mouth.
And then I started getting paranoid because I'm, like, "I've been in there for a while, "she's going to think I'm having a poo.
" Erm So And there's nothing worse than coming back from the toilet, when someone thinks you've had a poo, and your mouth's bleeding.
I mean, it's not a great image, is it? Erm, and yeah, I was in there for at least around 15 minutes.
It wasn't stopping.
And then I just went home and I turned my phone off and I never saw her again.
SYMPATHETIC LAUGHTER You're not serious! You walked out of the restaurant? I left.
I couldn't.
How far through the meal were you? No, I mean, we were just waiting for starters.
- It was like - That's worse! So she's sat there like this still? If you're waiting for starters, that means you've ordered the meal, so a bill is coming.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm a bit I'm reallyit's terrible.
Was she in touch with you to ask what happened? Mm, well, yeah, kind of.
But I didn't reply.
AUDIENCE GASPS Shall I punch myself again? I feel like Imagine your first date, Victoria, the first time There must have been a first time when you and David went out together.
What was his party trick? What did David do for you? David went for the more old-school sort of wit and charm.
"No, no, let me get this.
" Why? What had you dropped? Although .
.
I was already besotted before we even went on the date.
He could have punched himself in the face, I wouldn't mind.
AUDIENCE: Aww! I've actually got the taste of vomit in my mouth.
How does this seem to you? It seems ungentlemanly.
It is.
I'm very ashamed of it and it was a long time ago.
Six years ago.
I would never do that again.
You're so obviously embarrassed about it, I think it must be true.
What do you think? I think it might well be true as well.
Yeah, I think it's true.
- OK, you're saying true? - Yeah.
Asim, was it true or was it a lie? It was .
.
true.
Sorry! Call me.
BUZZER It's Bob.
HE SIGHS LAUGHTER Not a lot of people know this Which is handy for this game! .
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including me! But I am a qualified dog masseur.
Erm, David? OK, first of all, when it comes to dog massage, what is the qualification structure? I've got a BTEC.
A BTEC in dog massage? And whatwhat was the process of obtaining that? I went to my local further education college.
- I admit this was for a television programme.
- OK.
Right? I did awhat would've been a nine-month BTEC.
And I did it in three months.
What was the television programme? It was a Well, it didn't happen.
You don't tell them it's not true! - No, I mean the TV! - Oh, the TV! I thought you were just giving up! I thought you were just going, "Oh, no! It didn't happen! "Oh, no, no! I just had to read the card out! None of it happened!" The television programme never came to fruition.
How do you massage a dog? Talk us through it.
Well .
.
thank you for that.
Firstly .
.
it depends, obviously, what breed it is.
Alsatian.
An Alsatian.
Is it tattooed or just plain? Plain.
- Is it what?! - Tattooed.
Since the advent of the devil dogs and that, the Alsatian's lost a lot of its clout, hasn't it? But some of them get tattooed now, too.
Up their street, you know? The owners do it.
Oh, this should be so simple! If it's not true, Bob, you've made it really tricky for yourself.
How do you massage your dog? - "It depends if it's got tattoos.
" - Oh, no! I was just making I was using that silly idea to illustrate that the first thing you'd have to do is assess the temperament - Every dog is different.
- .
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of the dog.
- Yeah.
- If the dog has a gentle, kind, er - Soul.
- .
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soul to it, you should and must start on the neck, at the nape of the neck, move around to the shoulders If it's a bit testy - "Bit testy.
" - .
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you know, like a little snappy poodle, - something like that - Yeah.
- .
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you start on its haunches because It's weird, you might find this with your cats, as well.
That the way That's a separate course, surely.
The first thing they say in the cat massage BTEC, "Now, just because you may have a dog massage BTEC, "you probably think you know your way around a cat.
" - When you're administering your skills - Yes? .
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where is the dog? Is it on the floor? - Where is it? - A massage table.
- It's wiped down - With a hole for its face? Can I just say, this is very disrespectful, the way that you're all carrying on, to the .
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to the BTECto the people who are on the BTEC courses.
Have you got a dog? No, I haven't.
He's not allowed to keep them! He's barred! The first one I did it on was a goldenlab? Golden retriever? Golden fish? You just separate their back paw, you encourage them onto their side, you separate their backtheir You know, their fingers? I don't know the terminology.
- The pads? - Yeah.
Why would you know the terminology? I mean I mean, you've It was only a three-month rushed BTEC.
So knowing things like, you know, the name for a dog's foot, that's advanced stuff.
And you can You can drain their equivalent of a lymph system, as well.
Wow.
You can drain their lymph system?! - How?! - How? Their lymph system, like ours Their lymph system is under their, er, arm.
I knowwrong, I know it's not Is this an arm? - It's a leg! - It's why they've got four legs, dogs, yeah.
They've famously got four legs and no arms.
Never mind complicated stuff like the arms and legs.
Let's get Let's go back to the basics of the lymphatic system.
So, David, which way is your team leaning here? Oh, I don't know! SUE: It could be very true, but The thing is, itI really - The poor thing gets - Do you think it's true? Oh, no, it's a lie.
It's got to be a lie.
- Do you think it's true? - SUE: I think it's a lie.
- Well, I think we think it's a lie.
- What are you basing that on? I'm basing it on the fact that a three-month BTEC for a programme that might not happen? - Yeah! - And also you don't seem to know much about - .
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dog massage.
- Ask me anything! Anything.
I think we have asked you questions.
This is the longest conversation about rubbing a dog I've ever had.
- Let's go lie.
- OK, we'll go lie.
You're saying it's a lie? I don't think you've thought enough about this.
Right.
Bob? They are saying that it is a lie.
Were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was telling .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS BUZZER It's David.
My weekday breakfast regime is always as follows - Monday, cornflakes, Tuesday, cornflakes, Wednesday, cornflakes, Thursday, cornflakes and on Fridayjazzy cornflakes.
- Lee's team? - What's jazzy cornflakes? It's cornflakes .
.
with chocolate milk.
Ooh! So the phrase jazzy cornflakes is something you've created? - It's not - Yeah, as a renowned wit.
So how did you come up with this system, David? Well, I like chocolate.
It's a treat.
Friday is the day of treats, I'd say.
It's a fun day cos it's not actually the weekend, but by the time the weekend's started, you're already disappointed by it.
So the anticipation of something nice happening is almost invariably nicer than the thing itself.
So Friday morning is peak? Although increasingly, I now prefer Thursdays, because you're looking forward to the Friday that always ends up being a bit disappointing.
So talk us through the routine, David.
- Well The routine? - LAUGHTER I get a bowl, I put some cornflakes in it.
Then I pour the milk on - down the side, not over the top.
- I don't want them to go soggy.
- Oh, you don't want them soggy? No, I like a sort of sogginess rising from below, - but a sort of resistant crunchiness on the top.
- Yeah.
So why don't you put your milk in first and then put the flakes in? Because The reason is that I have literally never thought of it.
So Lee, what do you think? It's unlikely, because the David I know would say, "Cornflakes, milk on a Monday, cornflakes, milk on a Tuesday, cornflakes, milk on a Wednesday, cornflakes, milk on a Thursday," and he'd get to Friday and go, "I better not take any risks.
" Joe, what do we think? I don't believe it.
You don't? I don't think so.
He comes across as boring but I don't think he's actually that boring.
Wow.
So what are you going to say? Is it the truth? Well, we'll have to go with lie.
You say lie? OK, David, truth or lie? It is - a lie.
- Yay! It's Clare.
After accidentally spilling red wine on my dress on the way to Ascot, I deliberately spilt more wine on it and pretended it was part of the pattern.
David's team? - So where was the initial spillage? - In my lap.
And how did you spill red wine? Because we were being driven to Royal Ascot, and So it was just normal car wine? No, I'd brought some wine because - I thought it would be a good way to start the day.
- Yeah.
- Drinking? - .
.
and unfortunately - Drinking in the car? - Yes.
And I couldn't turn back because I was meant to be presenting a trophy.
Did anybody comment on it during the day? Actually, somebody told me they thought it was "How very modern," someone said to me.
I said, "Oh, yes, it came from" And I named a designer that I thought was kind of fashionable.
Merlot.
It came from Merlot, yeah.
How did you put the wine on? - In a straw - A straw? - Yeah.
Just take a mouthful You drink your wine with a straw? I was trying not to spill it on me, but it didn't work.
That's a horrible image, isn't it? Clare Balding, ten o'clock in the morning, on her way to the races "What, I'm a presenter! No, I will not!" "Ugh, blooming heck, it's all over me!" "Do us a favour, pour all that over me dress.
" - APPLAUSE - That's just about it, yeah.
If you had been drinking the wine from a straw initially - To try not to spill it on myself.
- .
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how did you spill it? Unfortunately, didn't get the straw back into the bottle.
Why did you remove it from the bottle, having put it in? I don't know! Because when you put a straw in, you then leave the straw.
You don't say, OK, now Listen, it doesn't reflect well on me.
This is a day I would rather have forgotten.
But this also must have been a special straw that you had, because it must have been long to get to the bottom of the bottle of wine.
Well, I didn't want to drink a whole bottle.
You're now telling me it's a full bottle of wine! With a straw?! This is getting worse, I thought it was a miniature.
It was a smaller bottle, a little You know.
Oh, that's better.
It wasn't the "Aww, it's gone.
"Stop here at Threshers, driver.
"Stop here.
"I'll need five straws, I need to link them.
" "Oh, that's good!" I'm not proud, I'm not proud, because unfortunately that is quite an accurate reflection of that day.
So, was Clare telling the truth, did it happen? Victoria? I It's sort of insane, but I want to say true.
What do you think? I don't I refuse to believe that.
I think it's true.
Saying true.
Clare Balding, truth or lie? It's a lie.
APPLAUSE Sue, you're next.
OK.
I once taped over a rare recording of one of the Beatles' biggest hits.
Lee's team? Sue, why were you in possession of the recording? Well, it was given to me to listen to.
So it was an audio tape? Reel to reel.
- And it was given to you by a Beatle? - Yeah.
Which Beatle? Paul.
One in four, wasn't it? What was the song, which Beatles song? - Love Me Do.
- That was their first hit, wasn't it? - Yeah.
Oh, so this is pre-fame? Was it the original line-up or the four that we know? Yeah.
LAUGHTER OK.
You're looking a bit worried, like I know a bit more about the Beatles than you were expecting.
How did you know Paul McCartney, and why did he give it to you? And you can't just say "yes" to this one.
Because I was a friend of his.
I met him at The Cavern.
Where did the taping over occur, Sue? - In my house.
- In your house.
And you thought it was a blank tape? No.
- You knew that you were recording over Love Me Do? - Yeah.
You idiot! Why would you do that?! What did you think of Love Me Do? Because that's what he wanted to know, right? He said, "Have a listen to this and see if you like it," - was that the idea? - Yeah.
I said, "It's good.
" Did he say AS MCCARTNEY: "Do you think we should bring it out as a single?" Sean Connery meets Sylvester Stallone.
You can't do Paul McCartney, can you? "Not very well, no.
" I sounded like Sylvester Stallone?! APPLAUSE Do you feel bad that you taped over it? Yeah, because I could have got a lot of money for it.
What are you thinking, has Sue been telling the truth? I'm surprised this hasn't come up before.
Like, I haven't heard this story - I've seen you in interviews, I've seen Paul McCartney in interviews, and he's never gone, "You know that woman that was in Brookside? "Taped over Love Me Do!" It's getting better.
Every time, it's getting a little bit better.
Either it's getting better or we're just forgetting what Paul McCartney really sounds like.
I think it's true.
But you're right, maybe we would have heard more about it.
All right, it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
OK, Sue, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? Well, it was APPLAUSE Ranj, you're up next.
I once revived a tortoise by giving it the kiss of life.
- David's team.
- What was the scenario? - Well, I had a pet tortoise as a child.
- Yeah.
Did he have a name? - Bob.
- Bob the tortoise? - Bob the tortoise.
Which isn't a game for Halloween.
How big was this tortoise? About that big.
- Where was it from? What country? - Standard tortoise size.
From the shop.
So anyway, he normally roams around and, of course, tortoises stop and don't do stuff, but it seemed a bit weird.
Went out, had a look and thought, "Hmm, doesn't look quite right.
" What was different about the way he looked? Well, he looked a bit dead.
He looked dead? A little bit.
Is this how you break the news to people in your job? "Yeah, I've just been in to see your grandad "Poked him a little bit and he looks a bit dead.
" So I thought, obviously, I'd been at school and biology lessons, and thought, right, do you know what, give it a go.
And I did, I literally turned him over, rubbed his little Sorry, "From biology lessons, I know what to do"? They told you in GCSE biology, they said, if you ever see a tortoise that's passed out No, just general life support, just general resuscitation.
- General resuscitation.
- Yeah! Never mind the species, human or wasp or anywhere in between - .
.
give it a go.
- In the heat of the moment, I thought, I'm just going to give this a go.
So, turned him over, grabbed his little head Definitely his head? And literally I just blew a couple of times - Blew into his lolling mouth? - Into his mouth! And his little legs started to move.
And I wasn't sure if He may not have been dead, but Sorry, did you say he may not have been dead? - Well, he moved - And he moved afterwards? - He moved very quickly.
Well, what I'm going to tell you is that, if he subsequently moved, he wasn't dead.
Is there a chance that he was always completely fine and you assaulted him? APPLAUSE What do you think, Steve, does this sound true to you? I think it's a pack of nonsense.
What about you, Liz? - I don't believe a word of it either.
- Really? - Yeah.
Right, David, time to decide.
Well, I don't think we believe it, do we? - Don't think so.
- I think we're going to say it's a lie.
OK, Ranj, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? It was .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE It's Lee.
Possession.
Now, there's a box under the desk.
Get hold of the box.
Read the card first, and then take the item out.
This is the mug I use to silently signal to my wife if I think a tradesman is trustworthy or not.
David's team? Can we have a? Yes, we can't see it the full thing.
Hold it up and That is one side.
That is the other side.
So how do you signal? What's the signal for? You can work it out, surely.
Let's imagine for a moment that Alice is your wife and Bob is a tradesman I don't know if you've met my wife, Rob - it would be easier to imagine Bob's my wife.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is old school! Bob, what would you like to be? I want to install broadband, with those tiny wires.
I would be so terrified if you were my real person.
"I want to install broadband with tiny wires!" Let's go from the moment that Bob rings the doorbell, and you're waiting for the broadband man to arrive.
Go from there.
- OK, so we're at home, we're just chatting now.
- Right.
Now, obviously, I'm very happy with you, my wife KNOCKING I'm talking to my wife, do your mind? How can I know? I'm outside of the house! Ding-dong.
Oh! Rob Brydon's in the corner, he's losing it again.
I'll get you home soon, Rob! - Ding-dong! - Yes.
- I think someone's at the door.
- Shall I get it? - Yeah, why don't you? Yeah.
Hang on.
- Hello? - I called earlier, by the way.
I knocked.
No-one answered.
I've come to repair your broadband, I believe you've been having some trouble with it.
I have been having trouble my broadband, yes.
Please, come in.
If you'd like to show me the central hub? - .
.
that powers your unit, and I'll get on with it.
- Please do.
- The central hub is just under the television there.
- That's OK.
I am now taking my trousers off.
Why? That's just the way that I do my repairs.
- Are you going to introduce me? - Oh, sorry, yes.
Oh, right.
I'll pull my trousers back up.
- This is my wife, Alice.
- Hello, Alice.
How do you do? - Hello.
What was your name, sorry? I haven't given you a name, it's company policy.
I've had a look at your hub and I'm perfectly happy with it.
You haven't done anything, you've just been looking at me! You've got to go over there and fiddle with me hub.
You didn't see what I did when me pants were down.
- How much will it cost to fix it? - To fix that?! Yes.
To fix that, you need a completely new system.
- That's a disaster area! - So how much are we talking? £2,000! £2,000 to fix me broadband?! Yes, but I'll suck the internet out of that air like THAT, with this new hub.
Oh, you mean you can do me a favour? What are you thinking about this? Is this really Lee's mug that he uses? - Well, no.
- No.
Are you sure? I'm very happy to say no.
We can kick it around a bit, but at the end of it, we'll be saying no.
Lee, were you telling the truth? Is that your mug or was it a lie? It was, in fact .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE It's Claudia.
- Possession.
- Ah.
Under the desk, there is a box.
Could you pop the box onto the desk? And before you show us what's in there, read the card out.
The object in this box is on display in my bathroom but I'm too scared to touch it.
For that reason, David will now reveal it.
David, could you take out what's in the box? Oh, OK.
AUDIENCE GROANS - Yep.
That's - Is that a tarantula? - Yeah.
I got it when I went on a course.
What course? If you don't like spiders, and that is your, like, party bags It's like party bags.
- Oh, I see, a phobia course? - Yeah.
You can put it down, if you like.
We've seen a lot of it and we don't want to scare people.
So the course was, what, a week long, two weeks? No, it was, like, a full day.
And how did you find out about this course? Where was it? And don't say on the web, I'm not going to accept that.
I'd heard about it.
The word on the street.
"Are you scared, are you nervous?" Yeah.
So you go for this course? You go for this course, and then at the end, what they say Never mind the end - how does it start? - OK.
"Welcome," that's how - Not literally how does it start.
I don't want every bit of detail, just tell us the first thing they do to overcome the fear of spiders.
Sorry.
So, they come in - No, you're going back to the beginning bit again.
- Yeah.
I don't want the coming in bit, because then you've gone further back than the hello bit.
They say, "Thank you for coming.
" What's quite nice is that you're with other people who are scared of these little creatures, so you're all fine, bonding, like, "Hi, I'm Claudia, I'm scared, eee!" Big ones or little ones or furry ones or black, archy ones - - you know, there are all kinds of different - Spiders.
- Yes.
And - What do they do - and I'm only going to ask you - one more time, Claudia - what did they do? - No, what they do! OK, good.
I tell you what they said on the course, which was absolutely compelling, which was, "You are not alone.
" "You're not alone, there are spiders everywhere.
" LUCY: Did they do aversion therapy, perhaps, where you were confronted with spiders? - Yes, that's exactly what happened! - Never give them the answers! That is exactly what happened! We had to meet spiders.
Correct.
And they GREG: You've just been fed that information, and that's the first - No, that's what happened! - You've answered every question so far, you've said they said hello, but on this course, they've said hello 13 times.
And even when you get to the aversion therapy, it's still a form of hello, because you get to meet some spiders.
Can you tell us one thing they did on the course? We all have the most We had a lovely lunch.
APPLAUSE Whatdidtheydo?! One technique that they did? Anything?! We met them, we met them and we made friends with them.
Did you get to hold them? And they were crawling on us and being all cuddly and soft.
But you're not saying they're cuddly, - because you're still scared of them.
- Oh, yeah, I am still scared.
Aargh! I mean, this has got to be the worst lie - in the history of this programme.
- No! So what do you think, is Claudia telling the truth? I think that she's lying and, if she's telling the truth, I'm not having it.
Because if she's telling the truth, she is contractually obliged to tell us something as opposed to every question being answered with, "I "Erm Hello! "I just Ooh "And then I! And in the! "Cuddly, warm, all over! "I just, with the thing, and I can't, because it is" Is this what I'm like? That doesn't constitute an answer, does it? APPLAUSE - It's definitely a lie, goodbye.
- So you're saying a lie? OK, so, Claudia Winkleman, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? It is totally - .
.
true.
- Gah! APPLAUSE Well, that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You.
Thanks very much for watching, goodnight.
APPLAUSE
.
Bob Mortimer, Steph McGovern, Greg Davies, Alice Levine, Asim Chaudhry, Lucy Worsley, Dr Ranj Singh and Clare Balding.
And joining David Mitchell tonight are .
.
Claudia Winkleman, Sue Johnston, Jay Blades, Liz Bonnin, Victoria Coren Mitchell and Greg James.
So we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Asim, you're first up tonight.
I once ruined a date when I punched myself in the face.
LAUGHTER David's team.
What was the context? We were doing party tricks and she was doing all these kind of like She's, erm, double-jointed.
So she was doing Can you be careful with this? Because you already admitted you punched yourself in the face! She was like, "Come on, then.
What's your party trick?" I was like, "Well, I can kind of do this punching thing where, like, "I don't actually punch myself, but I kind of, like, move with it.
" You know? Like, I still get the sound.
- I've got a massive neck.
- Yeah.
- Show us it, show us it.
- Erm, OK.
So it was basically, like It was like HE STAMPS HIS FOO .
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like that.
You know? It doesn't actually hurt, but - Wow.
- It looks pretty good, right? Certainly, if you're trying to impress a young lady on a first date .
.
you'd be hard pushed to find anything better than that.
APPLAUSE So, as you can see there, it's not great.
And that was the problem.
What I did is I kind of, like, forgot to move with it, cos that's the whole thing, you move.
I clip my jaw and the side of my cheek, so I'm bleeding.
She didn't realise this, but I could feel the blood filling up in my mouth.
So, erm, I went to the toilet.
I went MUFFLED SPEECH: ".
.
Hey, I'll be back in a minute.
" And then I was in the toilet and it wasn't stopping, it was, like, my tongue and my mouth and it was, like, literally pouring out of my mouth.
And then I started getting paranoid because I'm, like, "I've been in there for a while, "she's going to think I'm having a poo.
" Erm So And there's nothing worse than coming back from the toilet, when someone thinks you've had a poo, and your mouth's bleeding.
I mean, it's not a great image, is it? Erm, and yeah, I was in there for at least around 15 minutes.
It wasn't stopping.
And then I just went home and I turned my phone off and I never saw her again.
SYMPATHETIC LAUGHTER You're not serious! You walked out of the restaurant? I left.
I couldn't.
How far through the meal were you? No, I mean, we were just waiting for starters.
- It was like - That's worse! So she's sat there like this still? If you're waiting for starters, that means you've ordered the meal, so a bill is coming.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm a bit I'm reallyit's terrible.
Was she in touch with you to ask what happened? Mm, well, yeah, kind of.
But I didn't reply.
AUDIENCE GASPS Shall I punch myself again? I feel like Imagine your first date, Victoria, the first time There must have been a first time when you and David went out together.
What was his party trick? What did David do for you? David went for the more old-school sort of wit and charm.
"No, no, let me get this.
" Why? What had you dropped? Although .
.
I was already besotted before we even went on the date.
He could have punched himself in the face, I wouldn't mind.
AUDIENCE: Aww! I've actually got the taste of vomit in my mouth.
How does this seem to you? It seems ungentlemanly.
It is.
I'm very ashamed of it and it was a long time ago.
Six years ago.
I would never do that again.
You're so obviously embarrassed about it, I think it must be true.
What do you think? I think it might well be true as well.
Yeah, I think it's true.
- OK, you're saying true? - Yeah.
Asim, was it true or was it a lie? It was .
.
true.
Sorry! Call me.
BUZZER It's Bob.
HE SIGHS LAUGHTER Not a lot of people know this Which is handy for this game! .
.
including me! But I am a qualified dog masseur.
Erm, David? OK, first of all, when it comes to dog massage, what is the qualification structure? I've got a BTEC.
A BTEC in dog massage? And whatwhat was the process of obtaining that? I went to my local further education college.
- I admit this was for a television programme.
- OK.
Right? I did awhat would've been a nine-month BTEC.
And I did it in three months.
What was the television programme? It was a Well, it didn't happen.
You don't tell them it's not true! - No, I mean the TV! - Oh, the TV! I thought you were just giving up! I thought you were just going, "Oh, no! It didn't happen! "Oh, no, no! I just had to read the card out! None of it happened!" The television programme never came to fruition.
How do you massage a dog? Talk us through it.
Well .
.
thank you for that.
Firstly .
.
it depends, obviously, what breed it is.
Alsatian.
An Alsatian.
Is it tattooed or just plain? Plain.
- Is it what?! - Tattooed.
Since the advent of the devil dogs and that, the Alsatian's lost a lot of its clout, hasn't it? But some of them get tattooed now, too.
Up their street, you know? The owners do it.
Oh, this should be so simple! If it's not true, Bob, you've made it really tricky for yourself.
How do you massage your dog? - "It depends if it's got tattoos.
" - Oh, no! I was just making I was using that silly idea to illustrate that the first thing you'd have to do is assess the temperament - Every dog is different.
- .
.
of the dog.
- Yeah.
- If the dog has a gentle, kind, er - Soul.
- .
.
soul to it, you should and must start on the neck, at the nape of the neck, move around to the shoulders If it's a bit testy - "Bit testy.
" - .
.
you know, like a little snappy poodle, - something like that - Yeah.
- .
.
you start on its haunches because It's weird, you might find this with your cats, as well.
That the way That's a separate course, surely.
The first thing they say in the cat massage BTEC, "Now, just because you may have a dog massage BTEC, "you probably think you know your way around a cat.
" - When you're administering your skills - Yes? .
.
where is the dog? Is it on the floor? - Where is it? - A massage table.
- It's wiped down - With a hole for its face? Can I just say, this is very disrespectful, the way that you're all carrying on, to the .
.
to the BTECto the people who are on the BTEC courses.
Have you got a dog? No, I haven't.
He's not allowed to keep them! He's barred! The first one I did it on was a goldenlab? Golden retriever? Golden fish? You just separate their back paw, you encourage them onto their side, you separate their backtheir You know, their fingers? I don't know the terminology.
- The pads? - Yeah.
Why would you know the terminology? I mean I mean, you've It was only a three-month rushed BTEC.
So knowing things like, you know, the name for a dog's foot, that's advanced stuff.
And you can You can drain their equivalent of a lymph system, as well.
Wow.
You can drain their lymph system?! - How?! - How? Their lymph system, like ours Their lymph system is under their, er, arm.
I knowwrong, I know it's not Is this an arm? - It's a leg! - It's why they've got four legs, dogs, yeah.
They've famously got four legs and no arms.
Never mind complicated stuff like the arms and legs.
Let's get Let's go back to the basics of the lymphatic system.
So, David, which way is your team leaning here? Oh, I don't know! SUE: It could be very true, but The thing is, itI really - The poor thing gets - Do you think it's true? Oh, no, it's a lie.
It's got to be a lie.
- Do you think it's true? - SUE: I think it's a lie.
- Well, I think we think it's a lie.
- What are you basing that on? I'm basing it on the fact that a three-month BTEC for a programme that might not happen? - Yeah! - And also you don't seem to know much about - .
.
dog massage.
- Ask me anything! Anything.
I think we have asked you questions.
This is the longest conversation about rubbing a dog I've ever had.
- Let's go lie.
- OK, we'll go lie.
You're saying it's a lie? I don't think you've thought enough about this.
Right.
Bob? They are saying that it is a lie.
Were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was telling .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS BUZZER It's David.
My weekday breakfast regime is always as follows - Monday, cornflakes, Tuesday, cornflakes, Wednesday, cornflakes, Thursday, cornflakes and on Fridayjazzy cornflakes.
- Lee's team? - What's jazzy cornflakes? It's cornflakes .
.
with chocolate milk.
Ooh! So the phrase jazzy cornflakes is something you've created? - It's not - Yeah, as a renowned wit.
So how did you come up with this system, David? Well, I like chocolate.
It's a treat.
Friday is the day of treats, I'd say.
It's a fun day cos it's not actually the weekend, but by the time the weekend's started, you're already disappointed by it.
So the anticipation of something nice happening is almost invariably nicer than the thing itself.
So Friday morning is peak? Although increasingly, I now prefer Thursdays, because you're looking forward to the Friday that always ends up being a bit disappointing.
So talk us through the routine, David.
- Well The routine? - LAUGHTER I get a bowl, I put some cornflakes in it.
Then I pour the milk on - down the side, not over the top.
- I don't want them to go soggy.
- Oh, you don't want them soggy? No, I like a sort of sogginess rising from below, - but a sort of resistant crunchiness on the top.
- Yeah.
So why don't you put your milk in first and then put the flakes in? Because The reason is that I have literally never thought of it.
So Lee, what do you think? It's unlikely, because the David I know would say, "Cornflakes, milk on a Monday, cornflakes, milk on a Tuesday, cornflakes, milk on a Wednesday, cornflakes, milk on a Thursday," and he'd get to Friday and go, "I better not take any risks.
" Joe, what do we think? I don't believe it.
You don't? I don't think so.
He comes across as boring but I don't think he's actually that boring.
Wow.
So what are you going to say? Is it the truth? Well, we'll have to go with lie.
You say lie? OK, David, truth or lie? It is - a lie.
- Yay! It's Clare.
After accidentally spilling red wine on my dress on the way to Ascot, I deliberately spilt more wine on it and pretended it was part of the pattern.
David's team? - So where was the initial spillage? - In my lap.
And how did you spill red wine? Because we were being driven to Royal Ascot, and So it was just normal car wine? No, I'd brought some wine because - I thought it would be a good way to start the day.
- Yeah.
- Drinking? - .
.
and unfortunately - Drinking in the car? - Yes.
And I couldn't turn back because I was meant to be presenting a trophy.
Did anybody comment on it during the day? Actually, somebody told me they thought it was "How very modern," someone said to me.
I said, "Oh, yes, it came from" And I named a designer that I thought was kind of fashionable.
Merlot.
It came from Merlot, yeah.
How did you put the wine on? - In a straw - A straw? - Yeah.
Just take a mouthful You drink your wine with a straw? I was trying not to spill it on me, but it didn't work.
That's a horrible image, isn't it? Clare Balding, ten o'clock in the morning, on her way to the races "What, I'm a presenter! No, I will not!" "Ugh, blooming heck, it's all over me!" "Do us a favour, pour all that over me dress.
" - APPLAUSE - That's just about it, yeah.
If you had been drinking the wine from a straw initially - To try not to spill it on myself.
- .
.
how did you spill it? Unfortunately, didn't get the straw back into the bottle.
Why did you remove it from the bottle, having put it in? I don't know! Because when you put a straw in, you then leave the straw.
You don't say, OK, now Listen, it doesn't reflect well on me.
This is a day I would rather have forgotten.
But this also must have been a special straw that you had, because it must have been long to get to the bottom of the bottle of wine.
Well, I didn't want to drink a whole bottle.
You're now telling me it's a full bottle of wine! With a straw?! This is getting worse, I thought it was a miniature.
It was a smaller bottle, a little You know.
Oh, that's better.
It wasn't the "Aww, it's gone.
"Stop here at Threshers, driver.
"Stop here.
"I'll need five straws, I need to link them.
" "Oh, that's good!" I'm not proud, I'm not proud, because unfortunately that is quite an accurate reflection of that day.
So, was Clare telling the truth, did it happen? Victoria? I It's sort of insane, but I want to say true.
What do you think? I don't I refuse to believe that.
I think it's true.
Saying true.
Clare Balding, truth or lie? It's a lie.
APPLAUSE Sue, you're next.
OK.
I once taped over a rare recording of one of the Beatles' biggest hits.
Lee's team? Sue, why were you in possession of the recording? Well, it was given to me to listen to.
So it was an audio tape? Reel to reel.
- And it was given to you by a Beatle? - Yeah.
Which Beatle? Paul.
One in four, wasn't it? What was the song, which Beatles song? - Love Me Do.
- That was their first hit, wasn't it? - Yeah.
Oh, so this is pre-fame? Was it the original line-up or the four that we know? Yeah.
LAUGHTER OK.
You're looking a bit worried, like I know a bit more about the Beatles than you were expecting.
How did you know Paul McCartney, and why did he give it to you? And you can't just say "yes" to this one.
Because I was a friend of his.
I met him at The Cavern.
Where did the taping over occur, Sue? - In my house.
- In your house.
And you thought it was a blank tape? No.
- You knew that you were recording over Love Me Do? - Yeah.
You idiot! Why would you do that?! What did you think of Love Me Do? Because that's what he wanted to know, right? He said, "Have a listen to this and see if you like it," - was that the idea? - Yeah.
I said, "It's good.
" Did he say AS MCCARTNEY: "Do you think we should bring it out as a single?" Sean Connery meets Sylvester Stallone.
You can't do Paul McCartney, can you? "Not very well, no.
" I sounded like Sylvester Stallone?! APPLAUSE Do you feel bad that you taped over it? Yeah, because I could have got a lot of money for it.
What are you thinking, has Sue been telling the truth? I'm surprised this hasn't come up before.
Like, I haven't heard this story - I've seen you in interviews, I've seen Paul McCartney in interviews, and he's never gone, "You know that woman that was in Brookside? "Taped over Love Me Do!" It's getting better.
Every time, it's getting a little bit better.
Either it's getting better or we're just forgetting what Paul McCartney really sounds like.
I think it's true.
But you're right, maybe we would have heard more about it.
All right, it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
OK, Sue, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? Well, it was APPLAUSE Ranj, you're up next.
I once revived a tortoise by giving it the kiss of life.
- David's team.
- What was the scenario? - Well, I had a pet tortoise as a child.
- Yeah.
Did he have a name? - Bob.
- Bob the tortoise? - Bob the tortoise.
Which isn't a game for Halloween.
How big was this tortoise? About that big.
- Where was it from? What country? - Standard tortoise size.
From the shop.
So anyway, he normally roams around and, of course, tortoises stop and don't do stuff, but it seemed a bit weird.
Went out, had a look and thought, "Hmm, doesn't look quite right.
" What was different about the way he looked? Well, he looked a bit dead.
He looked dead? A little bit.
Is this how you break the news to people in your job? "Yeah, I've just been in to see your grandad "Poked him a little bit and he looks a bit dead.
" So I thought, obviously, I'd been at school and biology lessons, and thought, right, do you know what, give it a go.
And I did, I literally turned him over, rubbed his little Sorry, "From biology lessons, I know what to do"? They told you in GCSE biology, they said, if you ever see a tortoise that's passed out No, just general life support, just general resuscitation.
- General resuscitation.
- Yeah! Never mind the species, human or wasp or anywhere in between - .
.
give it a go.
- In the heat of the moment, I thought, I'm just going to give this a go.
So, turned him over, grabbed his little head Definitely his head? And literally I just blew a couple of times - Blew into his lolling mouth? - Into his mouth! And his little legs started to move.
And I wasn't sure if He may not have been dead, but Sorry, did you say he may not have been dead? - Well, he moved - And he moved afterwards? - He moved very quickly.
Well, what I'm going to tell you is that, if he subsequently moved, he wasn't dead.
Is there a chance that he was always completely fine and you assaulted him? APPLAUSE What do you think, Steve, does this sound true to you? I think it's a pack of nonsense.
What about you, Liz? - I don't believe a word of it either.
- Really? - Yeah.
Right, David, time to decide.
Well, I don't think we believe it, do we? - Don't think so.
- I think we're going to say it's a lie.
OK, Ranj, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? It was .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE It's Lee.
Possession.
Now, there's a box under the desk.
Get hold of the box.
Read the card first, and then take the item out.
This is the mug I use to silently signal to my wife if I think a tradesman is trustworthy or not.
David's team? Can we have a? Yes, we can't see it the full thing.
Hold it up and That is one side.
That is the other side.
So how do you signal? What's the signal for? You can work it out, surely.
Let's imagine for a moment that Alice is your wife and Bob is a tradesman I don't know if you've met my wife, Rob - it would be easier to imagine Bob's my wife.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is old school! Bob, what would you like to be? I want to install broadband, with those tiny wires.
I would be so terrified if you were my real person.
"I want to install broadband with tiny wires!" Let's go from the moment that Bob rings the doorbell, and you're waiting for the broadband man to arrive.
Go from there.
- OK, so we're at home, we're just chatting now.
- Right.
Now, obviously, I'm very happy with you, my wife KNOCKING I'm talking to my wife, do your mind? How can I know? I'm outside of the house! Ding-dong.
Oh! Rob Brydon's in the corner, he's losing it again.
I'll get you home soon, Rob! - Ding-dong! - Yes.
- I think someone's at the door.
- Shall I get it? - Yeah, why don't you? Yeah.
Hang on.
- Hello? - I called earlier, by the way.
I knocked.
No-one answered.
I've come to repair your broadband, I believe you've been having some trouble with it.
I have been having trouble my broadband, yes.
Please, come in.
If you'd like to show me the central hub? - .
.
that powers your unit, and I'll get on with it.
- Please do.
- The central hub is just under the television there.
- That's OK.
I am now taking my trousers off.
Why? That's just the way that I do my repairs.
- Are you going to introduce me? - Oh, sorry, yes.
Oh, right.
I'll pull my trousers back up.
- This is my wife, Alice.
- Hello, Alice.
How do you do? - Hello.
What was your name, sorry? I haven't given you a name, it's company policy.
I've had a look at your hub and I'm perfectly happy with it.
You haven't done anything, you've just been looking at me! You've got to go over there and fiddle with me hub.
You didn't see what I did when me pants were down.
- How much will it cost to fix it? - To fix that?! Yes.
To fix that, you need a completely new system.
- That's a disaster area! - So how much are we talking? £2,000! £2,000 to fix me broadband?! Yes, but I'll suck the internet out of that air like THAT, with this new hub.
Oh, you mean you can do me a favour? What are you thinking about this? Is this really Lee's mug that he uses? - Well, no.
- No.
Are you sure? I'm very happy to say no.
We can kick it around a bit, but at the end of it, we'll be saying no.
Lee, were you telling the truth? Is that your mug or was it a lie? It was, in fact .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE It's Claudia.
- Possession.
- Ah.
Under the desk, there is a box.
Could you pop the box onto the desk? And before you show us what's in there, read the card out.
The object in this box is on display in my bathroom but I'm too scared to touch it.
For that reason, David will now reveal it.
David, could you take out what's in the box? Oh, OK.
AUDIENCE GROANS - Yep.
That's - Is that a tarantula? - Yeah.
I got it when I went on a course.
What course? If you don't like spiders, and that is your, like, party bags It's like party bags.
- Oh, I see, a phobia course? - Yeah.
You can put it down, if you like.
We've seen a lot of it and we don't want to scare people.
So the course was, what, a week long, two weeks? No, it was, like, a full day.
And how did you find out about this course? Where was it? And don't say on the web, I'm not going to accept that.
I'd heard about it.
The word on the street.
"Are you scared, are you nervous?" Yeah.
So you go for this course? You go for this course, and then at the end, what they say Never mind the end - how does it start? - OK.
"Welcome," that's how - Not literally how does it start.
I don't want every bit of detail, just tell us the first thing they do to overcome the fear of spiders.
Sorry.
So, they come in - No, you're going back to the beginning bit again.
- Yeah.
I don't want the coming in bit, because then you've gone further back than the hello bit.
They say, "Thank you for coming.
" What's quite nice is that you're with other people who are scared of these little creatures, so you're all fine, bonding, like, "Hi, I'm Claudia, I'm scared, eee!" Big ones or little ones or furry ones or black, archy ones - - you know, there are all kinds of different - Spiders.
- Yes.
And - What do they do - and I'm only going to ask you - one more time, Claudia - what did they do? - No, what they do! OK, good.
I tell you what they said on the course, which was absolutely compelling, which was, "You are not alone.
" "You're not alone, there are spiders everywhere.
" LUCY: Did they do aversion therapy, perhaps, where you were confronted with spiders? - Yes, that's exactly what happened! - Never give them the answers! That is exactly what happened! We had to meet spiders.
Correct.
And they GREG: You've just been fed that information, and that's the first - No, that's what happened! - You've answered every question so far, you've said they said hello, but on this course, they've said hello 13 times.
And even when you get to the aversion therapy, it's still a form of hello, because you get to meet some spiders.
Can you tell us one thing they did on the course? We all have the most We had a lovely lunch.
APPLAUSE Whatdidtheydo?! One technique that they did? Anything?! We met them, we met them and we made friends with them.
Did you get to hold them? And they were crawling on us and being all cuddly and soft.
But you're not saying they're cuddly, - because you're still scared of them.
- Oh, yeah, I am still scared.
Aargh! I mean, this has got to be the worst lie - in the history of this programme.
- No! So what do you think, is Claudia telling the truth? I think that she's lying and, if she's telling the truth, I'm not having it.
Because if she's telling the truth, she is contractually obliged to tell us something as opposed to every question being answered with, "I "Erm Hello! "I just Ooh "And then I! And in the! "Cuddly, warm, all over! "I just, with the thing, and I can't, because it is" Is this what I'm like? That doesn't constitute an answer, does it? APPLAUSE - It's definitely a lie, goodbye.
- So you're saying a lie? OK, so, Claudia Winkleman, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? It is totally - .
.
true.
- Gah! APPLAUSE Well, that's all we've got time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You.
Thanks very much for watching, goodnight.
APPLAUSE