The Simpsons s13e18 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) My brain! Welcome to Career Day.
Here to tell to you about his job is Bart's friend's dad, Kirk Van Houten.
How many of you children have gone out to your car and found a flyer on the windshield? Are you the guy that puts them there? No.
I'm his assistant.
But one time he was sick and he let me do it.
I totally screwed it up.
(STAMMERING) That's it.
I see.
Well, we still have 56 minutes left.
Any questions? (STUDENT COUGHS) Do you know Mom's getting re-married? What? But she I think we should probably talk about that later, Son.
No.
You might as well talk about it now.
That was one lousy Career Day.
If we can't get better speakers, we'll have to go back to teaching.
And I can't stare at those lifeless fisheyes anymore! As head of the Student Activities Committee, I have an idea.
I was wondering what she was doing here.
The speakers are poor because we're letting just anybody do it.
Groundskeeper Willie, Groundskeeper Willie's enemy, Seamus.
Yes.
Seamus.
Ninety minutes of watching a man drink in a bathtub.
Well, I think we should try the Springfield Speakers Bureau.
Good idea.
Seamus, we won't need you to speak anymore.
What? This is your doing, Willie! I'll turn your groin to pudding! You speak like a poet, but you punch like one, too! (BOTH GRUNTING) You bastard! Wow.
Walter Mondale, Marvin Hamlisch, Mark Fuhrman.
(GASPS) The former president of Procter & Gamble! We have a special this month.
Mr.
Blackwell debates Mr.
T.
Oh, please.
I've seen nicer chains on a set of snow tires.
I pity the fool who derives self-esteem from mocking other people's clothes.
I hate myself.
Ooh! Here's a wonderful speaker, Geoff Jenkins! Who? He created a cartoon called Danger Dog.
It's popular with kids and adults.
Yes.
Fine.
He'll do.
Anything to end this unstructured conversation.
And in a gutless act of political correctness, Pizza Day will now be known as Italian-American Sauce Bread Day.
Now that's sensitivity.
Right, Giuseppe? (CHATTERING) Giuseppe is such a happy monkey.
And now, today's guest speaker, the creator of Danger Dog, Geoff Jenkins! STUDENTS: Geoff! Geoff! Geoff! Thanks, kids.
Next month we'll be airing the Danger Dog Easter Special.
Would anyone like to see a sneak preview? STUDENTS: Yeah! Danger Dog, Neuterville needs you! I hope this is important.
I've got a hot date tonight.
With Sarah Jessica Barker.
Nice.
Anyway, your archenemy, Molly Ringworm, has threatened to destroy the city with her puke ray.
The mayor's barf is worse than his bite.
Le mot juste.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING) If you freeze the frame, you can see that the chunks of barf are actually pictures of our animators and their friends.
Are there any questions? Here! Right here! Hello! Yes, you.
What state does Danger Dog live in? Michigan.
Next.
Why does Danger Dog mean more to me than school or church? Because those things suck.
(CHEERING) (STUTTERS) I have a question, Mr.
Jenkins.
Could you tell us about all the hard work and buckling down that you put into every cartoon? Are you kidding? This is the easiest job in the world.
I spend most of my time eating candy and going to R-rated movies.
Wow.
Cool.
Wow.
(STUTTERING) Well, then, tell the children how hard you studied in school to get where you are today.
Studied? Kids, all I ever did was sit in class and doodle.
Like this one.
It's what your principal would look like as a woman.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING) (FIRE ALARM RINGING) Fire, children! Hurry outside! There's no time to let today's lecture sink in! (CHILDREN MURMURING) Why'd you do that? I won't stand by while you're glamorizing sass.
Now those youngsters will throw their lives away, drawing things that never were.
I'm coming up with my own cartoon character.
He's called Danger Cat.
Mine's called Trouble Dog.
I'm called Ralph.
Mine is Danger Dude.
But he's a dog.
BART: (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm my own toughest critic, but I think it's genius.
Now, to sell it for millions.
This comic strip is lame and derivative.
MAN: I'll be the judge of that! Oh (GASPS) Stan Lee? Creator of Marvel Comics? Greetings, true believers.
My heart is pounding like Thor's hammer on Dr.
Doom's titanium-infused faceplate! Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter? The term is "courting.
" The restraining order says, "No, no.
" But her eyes say, "Yes, yes.
" Let's see what you've got, son.
(GASPS) My Spidey sense is tingling.
It's that good? Did I say "Spidey"? I meant stinky.
'Nuff said.
What did I do wrong? I don't know.
Try everything.
Now hold on, Comic Book Guy.
This boy's still finding his voice.
So, you're saying I should keep trying? Absolutely.
And if you fail, you can always open a comic book store.
Stan Lee insulted me.
But in Bizarro World, that means he likes me.
I just need one great idea.
Batman! It's been done.
Green Lantern.
No.
I like Little Dot.
Could you rip that off? I mean, who's gonna know? I'd know, Mom! That little girl sure loved dots.
Hmm.
All I need is one classic character.
(HOMER GRUMBLING) Stupid lawn chair! Come on! Unfold, you (SCREAMS) Ow! D'oh! Hey! HOMER: This'll teach that stupid chair! (SCREAMS) I'm on fire! (SCREAMING) I hope no one's drawing this! Hey, always drawing your old man, huh? You must think I'm the greatest dad in the world.
(GASPS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Lousy minor setback! This world sucks! MAN: Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding? I hate them so much! (BART CHUCKLES) ANNOUNCER: Tonight, When Dinosaurs Get Drunk Mmm! (LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) Oh, I've been there, man.
ANNOUNCER: has been canceled.
(EXCLAIMS) Instead we bring you The Boring World of Niels Bohr.
(SHRIEKS) My ice cream sandwich! Then where the hell's the remote? Why do people keep moving it? Stupid This is perfect.
A couple of stink lines around his butt, and I'm done.
Angry Dad rocks! (HUMMING GUITAR RIFF) "Argh! I'm angry.
" That's like something my dads would say.
Simpson, you've created a timeless comic character.
Thanks, guys.
Will you sign Martin's cast? What cast? Ow! I won't be swimming this summer.
Bart, this is just Dad.
It's a composite character.
Your dad, my dad, a little of Maggie's dad.
No.
It's just Dad.
Maybe Angry Dad needs a sidekick, Know-It-All Sister! Can she have a pony? And the last line in the scene? (GIGGLES) Your penciling is sub-Ziggy and the main character is off-model in every frame.
However, I deem this rack-worthy.
Wow, I made it! My week-long dream has come true! Hold it, son.
Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure? But only Batman fits in my Batmobile.
Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly.
Look.
He's fitting right now.
(GRUNTING) Stan Lee came back? Stan Lee never left.
And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.
(CRYING) You broke my Batmobile! Broke? Or made it better? (HUMS SPIDERMAN THEME) Now I can't stand in line anymore.
Bart Simpson, creative genius? What's it to you? I'm from the Internet.
We'd like to turn Angry Dad into an animated series.
Wow! Angry Dad, an Internet cartoon! I'll be in cyberspace next to the Nabisco Cookie Web site! Hey, Soul Patch, you cut the line! (GROANS) Here's my card.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Whoa! This is people working? This is great.
Hey, Bart.
Care for a children's cappuccino? What up, man? This is my manager/sister, Lisa.
What up? Everyone here loves Angry Dad.
It's just what we've been looking for.
So, what do you want to do with it? Bart, I'm not a woman and I can't have babies.
But I can give life to animated Internet cartoons.
Let me show you one of our hottest shows, Bin Laden in a Blender.
(MUMBLING) (SCREAMING) Well, it delivers what it promises.
Now, Bart, we can't pay you a salary.
But we can give you stock.
How is your company gonna make money? Do you have a business model? How many shares of stock will it take to end this conversation? Two million.
It is done.
Now, let's watch another of our great cartoons, Lou Rawls, Secret Agent.
(SINGING) You'll never find that microfilm of mine Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad.
Okay.
Let's hear it.
Well, I was thinking of something like, (IN HOMER'S VOICE) "I'm a big fat idiot!" Wow! I think we have our Angry Dad.
Woo-hoo! When do I get paid? In 2012.
D'oh! INTERNET MAN: Now, we just add color.
In five minutes, it'll be on the World Wide Web.
I can't wait that long.
To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock.
(SCREAMING) That's funny! There's only one way my show can compete with this.
Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.
WOMAN: Susan Anton? No, the lemur! (WORKERS LAUGHING) Oh, what a day.
Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.
That's opinion, not news! (GRUNTING) (LAUGHING) That guy's hilarious.
I especially like his white shirt and blue pants.
Wait a second.
Angry Dad is me.
Yeah.
Didn't you know? You've been world-famous for an hour now.
You're the Internet's number one non-porno site.
Which makes you ten-trillionth overall.
What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this? BART: This has been a Bart-toon presentation.
In association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.
(SCREAMS) Why that little (SCREAMING) Stupid Bart-toon.
(LAUGHING) Bart-toon, that's clever.
I'm gonna kill him.
Look, it's Internet buffoon, Angry Dad.
Let's send him into one of his trademark fits.
Hey, come on! Make your eyes explode.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Stop it! The more you rock, the angrier I get! You heard the freak.
Leave me alone! (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) Look at me.
I'm Angry Dad! (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) This job sure is easy.
Now, to press this button.
(EXPLOSION) Not again! Angry Dad, you're fired.
HOMER: Die, monster! Homer, what are you doing? We're just rehearsing for Angry Dad: The Motion Picture.
How'd you like to be played by John Goodman? That's so obvious.
It should be Gary Oldman.
Dad, I'm no fan of Bart's cartoon, but you have a real problem with anger.
I'm just passionate.
Like all us Greeks.
No, you're angry.
Look, you're punching the cat right now.
I am Oh, my gosh, you're right! I'm a rage-aholic.
(SOBBING) I just can't live without rage-ahol! Congratulations, Dad.
The first step is admitting it.
Is it also the last step? No.
The last step is quitting.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) Very well.
I'm not gonna be Angry Dad for one day longer! I'm giving up anger forever! If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods.
I said anger! (HUMMING) Did it again.
(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING) Where the hell is that soothing music coming from? Homer, what's going on? I gave up anger forever.
From now on, I'm into candles, soft music, and horse tranquilizers.
(EXCLAIMS) (MUMBLING) (INHALES DEEPLY) Nothing can make me mad out here.
(WHISTLING) PAPERBOY: Paperboy! MILKMAN: Milkman! (BOTTLE SHATTERING) PIANO LADY: Piano lady! (EXCLAIMS) Must suppress rage.
(GROANS) Huh? (WHISTLING) Come on, Angry Dad, get angry! Don't make me do a clip show! Hello there, Flan-diddily-danders.
Hey, Homer.
I've been singing your praises all day.
Marge said we could have choir practice in your house tonight.
(GROANS) Here's a preview.
(SINGING) God said to Noah build yourself an arky-arky Animals came on by onesies and twosies-twosies Elephants and kangaroosies-roosies (GRUNTING) This little trap is gonna make my dad angrier than he's ever been.
In the meantime, I got to tell those Internet guys to hold tight.
Can I come, too? Good idea.
You can speak nerd to them.
I'm not a nerd, Bart.
Nerds are smart.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! What happened? They went belly up like all the other Internet companies.
Looks like the bubble burst.
Bubbles can burst? Yeah, but it's a golden age for the repo business.
One that shall never end.
Bart, it's over.
Ow! What do you mean, "It's over"? We're bankrupt.
The stock is at zero.
But I have What's 52 million times zero? And don't tell me it's zero! Bart, it's not about how much stock you have.
It's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with! Looks like you can't retire by age 12.
Yeah.
But at least now that my show's canceled, I don't need material.
So there's no need to lure my dad into the trap I set for him.
(GASPS) The trap! (SINGING) They call me mellow yellow, quite rightly This fellow never bellows, quite rightly Mmm.
This looks suspicious.
But delicious! (EXCLAIMS) Cacti! (SCREAMING) Dirty diapers on strings! (GROANS) Time to put this ordeal behind me.
(ROARING) Homer mad! Thank God his pants stayed on.
(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY) Homer mad! Homer smash! Get revenge on world! Look! It's the Incredible Hulk! He can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk! (GROWLING) Please.
You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.
Come on, damn it! Change! (GRUNTING) Forget it.
(GRUNTING) I really did it once.
Yes, yes.
I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
(STAN LEE GRUNTING) JEFF: You almost had it there.
(GROANING) Bart, your prank cost $10 million in damages! I know.
I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? Saving your father's life? What? What? It's true.
You see, these boils on Homer's neck are pent up rage.
If Bart's trap hadn't set Homer off, the anger would've overwhelmed Homer's system.
You mean I shouldn't punish Bart at all? Why, if anything, he should punish you.
Huh? Okay.
Well, Son, I want to show you how grateful I am.
Let's go fishing.
Who knew that anger was saving my life? (CHUCKLES) Say it, don't spray it.
You're trying to get me angry! Thank you.
You're not welcome.
D'oh! I love you, boy.
Ha-ha! You love a boy! Stop it now! (BART CHUCKLING) BART: If you love me so much, why don't you marry me? (LAUGHING) That's a good one.
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