Archer s14e01 Episode Script

1
[jazzy music]
[elevator bell dings]
[phones ringing]
Forward to HR.
Hmm, not quite.
Fix section two and
bring it to my office.
Open door policy.
Tell them no, and swear a lot.
I expect foulness and creativity.
♪
- Hey, how was your weekend?
- Do not care.
- Where's the booze?
- [sighs]
I'm sure you're capable
of finding a drink on your own.
Come on. Where would I find
I'll consider this an apology.
Wow, you guys actually look pretty good.
Thank you for noticing.
I am on a new fitness regimen.
I've been practicing on the range.
[gunshot]
Didn't practice the spinning, though,
which I thought would be easier.
And I feel like there's
only a 10% chance
I'll attack my coworkers' eyes
with stainless steel kebab skewers.
I mean, you should really be at zero.
[inhaling deeply]
- Now it's up to 20.
- Ah!
LANA: Eh, still pretty good.
All right, back to basics here.
Missions that make us money
and make the world a better place.
No muss, no waste.
That certainly explains these guys.
You, uh, ready for us to start?
Yep, we're all about efficiency,
so you can start now.
- [worker grunting]
- [loud banging]
So this "no waste" thing, Lana.
How does that jive with
your office remodel?
It's part of my new
philosophy, true transparency.
The walls of my office will be glass.
Isn't it a contradiction
for a spy agency
to be so transparent?
- No!
- Why not?
- Because shut up!
- [clears throat]
I mean, that's not really
constructive right now, Cyril.
Nice save.
I don't think anyone noticed.
Could you keep it
[breathes deeply]
Down for just a minute
until the briefing is over?
[debris clattering]
Mission one of our new era.
The Vanguard is a crew of
international jewel thieves.
Ex-Special Forces.
Highly organized.
They have stolen billions.
Who cares about shiny rocks?
Unless [gasps]
- Are we working for magpies?
- Ray?
Y'all, this is our trial
to work with Interpol.
One of their agents is
asking us for the assist.
BOTH: Wow. Cheryl: Interpol!
This could really put us on the map,
and that map is of
Paris, France, Europe.
Nice! Who thinks I can eat
a whole baguette without chewing?
Bets on the table. Odds are two to one.
- Nah.
- Pass.
- No.
- Obviously you can.
Oh, right, you guys saw that one.
Pretty impressive, and it did make
for an entertaining funeral brunch.
Pam, with all the new hires,
I need you here to keep an eye on HR.
But Paris! And
- [gunshot]
- [glass shattering]
Sorry, thought I had it. Didn't have it.
But come on!
I can do both at the same time.
Just like solemnly
paying your last respects
and inhaling carbs.
Exactly. Thank you.
I'll do HR stuff from
the phone over there.
Ugh, all right.
Pam, you'll go with Archer and Ray.
Uh, I like Paris.
Yeah, I need you here to
get Accounting up to speed.
Pam gets to go.
Yeah, but we like her.
Okay. We get this right,
and we'll have all the
Interpol work we can eat.
It's all a part of our new beginning.
And with that, continue.
[grunts]
[dramatic music]
And in the interest of new beginnings,
maybe we keep this to ourselves.
[gasps]
[whispering] Don't worry, Lana.
He was probably just gasping
at your progressive leadership.
B-b-b-body!
No, it was the body.
[main title theme]
♪
Why does everyone stand up?
It's not like we're going anywhere.
You're standing up.
Otherwise, I'll lose my spot.
- [thud]
- [grunts]
Look at me like that again,
and I'll slap you like a Huguenot.
Dude, you need to chill.
The wine they have in
France is l'amazing.
Uh, yeah, this stuff's from Quebec,
and I think it's made
from beaver squeezins.
Ah, the French.
Where's the romance, the intrigue?
Spies do not fly coach!
But they do apparently yell
about how they're spies.
Misdirection, everyone!
Who's this Interpol douche anyway?
All it said was "Agent Z."
Probably some washed-up hack,
a bureaucratic mushroom feeding
on the decaying corpse of Europe,
giving come-hither looks to his
[smooth music]
♪
- Shotgun!
- Shotgun!
Ah, damn it!
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
Zara Khan, Interpol.
We weren't expecting
someone with your profile
or bone structure.
Well, it's a blessing and a curse.
Uh, what's the curse?
- Pretending there's a curse part.
- L'zing.
So you are officially
independent consultants
joining me on a fact-finding mission.
And unofficially?
Unofficially, I'd recommend
a more modern hairstyle.
- Double zing!
- I would, but I'd be arrested
by the U.S. Park Service
for desecrating a national treasure.
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
Uh, you in a hurry here?
[brakes screeching]
Always.
[mysterious music]
- [doorbell rings]
- Wait, what are we doing?
Like I said, fact-finding.
We're just chasing down a lead.
- [grunts]
- Ah!
- Jesus.
- Um, was it in that guy's skull?
Doesn't look like it,
but I bet there are more skulls in here.
KRIEGER: Well, it's not one of mine.
Wait, what do you mean, "one of yours"?
Well, this one has the
"right" number of heads,
and look at those hands.
Oh! Zero embedded poison sacs.
CHERYL: Well, we're in luck.
The teeth are well-preserved.
Okay, cross-reference those
with our dental records.
I don't know what that means.
I just think teeth are neat.
"Hey, bones, get back inside!"
[laughing] "No!"
So we're calling the police, right,
since we're so above board now?
Yeah, this is an internal matter.
Internal, like my fingers
in this dead guy's mouth.
Internal like I'm
going to gently convince
and/or threaten the guy that saw this
so he forgets all about it.
- Go get him.
- [clears throat]
I think he just walked in.
Well, that saves time.
Tell me where the Eye of the Serpent is!
Are we straight up robbing this guy?
He doesn't look like a cat burglar.
Because he's clearly a dog person.
- Don't say dog person!
- Boom, got it in.
- No, you did not.
- Whoa, uh, guys.
If you don't tell me, it's
your pinky or your pug.
- OWNER: Oh, Muffin!
- ZARA: Your choice.
I I I can't choose.
Guess it's both.
- 3, 2
- Oh, no! Oh, no! No!
I'll tell. I'll tell!
[whimpering]
I wouldn't have shot the dog.
And the finger?
I've always thought ten is a lot.
Oh, mints.
- [dog barks]
- [owner whimpering]
This is a real roller coaster.
She knows how to handle herself, though.
- I don't trust her.
- This whole thing is designed
to bond us to her
through intense emotion.
You gotta fight it.
Jesus Christ, you worry too much.
That is famously not my problem.
- Tell her!
- He gets shot, like, all the time.
And safe sex? Forget it.
He is absolutely riddled
with God knows what.
The doctors sure don't.
Good to know.
- Do you think she likes me?
- You're pathetic.
[safe beeps, clicks]
OWNER: I've done all I can.
That's 3-inch glass
that can only be opened
- by the insurance company.
- Bollocks.
Guess we should probably just give up.
Unless did anyone
bring a hypersonic punch?
Huh? What? Huh?
[gasps] I guess I did!
[whirring]
You'll want to get behind something.
[beeping]
[explosion]
Is there any practical
difference between
what we just did and blatant crime?
Mm, it's more the attitude.
Uh, spl
Do not say it. I forbid it.
- [whispering] Sploosh.
- ARCHER: I heard that!
And I am sorry you were privy
to that internal discussion.
We try to keep things lighthearted.
Not a problem, though I have
already informed everyone
about the body because
of our stated values
- of openness and transparency.
- Cheryl!
Go get me some staples, please.
Oh! Wait, you're right.
Those will totally hurt more.
Thank you, Kurt.
I'm glad to hear you did that.
You are?
Obviously, because I'd already scheduled
a town hall where I'll be very happy
to hear everyone's concerns.
Uh-huh.
Does it bother you that Cheryl has
a kebab skewer holster?
Mm, not as much as it should.
[soft accordion music]
All right, you need to
tell us what's going on,
like, now, because
Oh, she's got a little slide show.
Last week, the Vanguard
stole a sculpture
called the Golden Dragon
from a private collector.
This, the emerald we stole today,
was originally one of its eyes.
We steal the second tomorrow
from the National Gallery.
Questions?
Um, feels more like a crime spree.
How does this get us to the Vanguard?
I've chased these guys for years.
They're impenetrable.
The only time they
interact with outsiders
is when they recruit new members.
So we're basically rushing
the Vanguard's fraternity?
No, thanks. My doctor says I
have to cut down on getting paddled,
or I'll develop something
called "dead ass."
What? Sorry my life's cooler than yours.
And Interpol is fine with this?
- In theory.
- That means no.
Every time I've gotten close
to these guys, they bolt.
We're pretty sure we have a mole,
which is why we hired you guys.
[yawns]
Let's all get some rest.
Today you were just back-up,
but tomorrow is the real deal.
[tense music]
So we're turning her
in to the cops, right?
If the French have cops
and not mimes with invisible guns.
What are you talking about?
Stealing jewels,
pretending there's a mole in Interpol
so we don't contact them.
She's obviously part of Vanguard
and even more obviously
gonna double-cross us.
Okay, and you're sure
you're not just saying that
because you're intimidated by her?
And she is not at all into you?
One, she's obviously into me,
because I can read the subtle
art of reverse body language.
And two, I'm not into her.
You seem pretty worked up, bud.
Things will look better if
you go have a glass of wine,
meditate, then gaze
down at the Paris streets
while you rub one out.
That's what this gal is gonna do.
I mean, I wasn't gonna do that,
but I think I have new plans.
Yeah, you guys are probably right.
Maybe I am overreacting.
I'll just call it a night.
♪
Misdirection.
♪
God, I hate being right all the time.
Wait, no, I don't.
[laughs] It's the best.
[mysterious music]
♪
Ah, the perfect place to meet up
with your Vanguard buddies.
Mmm, mmm, wow.
Mmm, that's pretty good.
You should order that again.
[elevator dings]
Ah, the perfect place to
[glasses clink]
Be backstabbed by your friends!
- You what?
- I said the first part over there.
Come on. We're just hanging out.
Monsieur, une chaise?
Make it two, pal.
Wow, going pretty hard, huh?
Oh, you haven't seen me go hard.
I think a lot of ladies
haven't seen you go hard.
[laughs] Also, you
just ordered two chairs.
Can you please keep it down?
Everybody's looking at us.
Look, Archer, you seemed pretty steamed,
so I figured I'd let you cool off.
But I just want to get
to know you guys better.
Yeah, probably to probe for weaknesses.
Sure it's not about something else?
Yeah, they told me how someone
posing as an Interpol
liaison kidnapped your child.
That must have been really hard.
- Well, I guess it was diff
- wait a second!
Why are you giving her
information about my family?
And don't try to plumb
my psychological depths,
because I assure you, I don't have any.
Pam, you're in contact with Lana.
What does she think of all this?
Um, I actually turned my phone off
to concentrate on the mission,
- because I'm a professional.
- [phone buzzing]
Oh, boy.
HR won't respond to our complaints.
All we're asking is a simple
workplace safety question.
How did the body get in the wall?
And how long has it been there?
Glad you asked.
Well, our working theory is
that the person in
question was rehearsing
a one-man show of "The
Cask of Amontillado"
that, hmm, got a little out of hand.
What? No, that is not what
Or it was someone annoying
we needed to get rid of.
- [people groaning]
- Seriously?
For the love of God, Cheryl.
Yes, right, for the love of God.
Look, in the spirit of openness,
we don't know how the
body got in the wall.
But you all signed a
non-disclosure agreement
and a declaration that you might see
disturbing things at this job.
So let's all get back to work, okay?
Who wants vegan protein mini muffins ♪
- Screw you.
- Ugh.
Come on.
[phone ringing]
ARCHER: Cyril, I need you to
do a thorough background check
on Interpol agent Zara Khan.
- I think she's a mole.
- CYRIL: I'm kind of busy, Archer.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, in that case, do it anyway!
- [phone beeps]
- [gulps]
[spits]
Damn it, I said get the same one!
Now no one gets it.
So we're really following
this obvious turncoat
into a situation that will
probably get us killed?
And we're really gonna
sit here and listen
to rhetorical questions?
It wasn't rhetorical.
Or was it?
Yeah, who's to say?
Look, if you're so worked up about it,
just run a background check on her.
Well, in fact, I did,
and she has a perfect record of arrests
on every case she's done,
which is the perfect cover.
I say we kill her. [laughs]
Come on. Let's go.
♪
Sorry, hate to question you,
but should we maybe
wait till it's closed?
It is. Private event.
So more security.
Just means more chances for
us to make them look silly.
- Gotta love that moxie.
- I'm a little rusty.
Moxie is French for
"terrible decision," right?
Spoken like a man with moxie.
It's not called moxie in men.
It's called just being a man.
Oh, so it's called "double standard."
Pff, no, you don't call it that.
[suspenseful music]
♪
Man, what a shit show.
Who was this for, Gertrude Ederle?
Because I am swimming in this.
I mean, mine fits great.
- Yours is okay. Mine is amazing.
- I'm sorry, Archer.
I was just going by memory,
and I guess in my mind
- Here it comes.
- You have a gut.
- You call this a gut?
- Quiet!
And no! Honestly,
it's really impressive
for someone your age.
- [stammers]
- Ray, Pam,
go to the rotunda and cause a diversion.
- A big one.
- Uh, in front of everybody?
Archer, come with me, and stay close
so I don't double-cross you.
Oh, sure, joke about the thing
you're actually gonna do.
That's convincing everybody.
Uh, looking a little green there, buddy.
I kind of have a thing
about looking silly
in front of fancy people.
In high school, I was a waiter
at the nicest restaurant in town,
and it wasn't great.
[country music playing]
[laughter]
Boy, you're never gonna
amount to nothing, you stay a fool.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
That was the nicest restaurant?
Well, it was a small, very shitty town.
Well, now you can purge
yourself of your fear.
Embrace the chaos.
Well, whatever this is,
at least it won't be
the wedding reception of an
archduke and a movie star!
Pam, I can't do this.
Come on. Nobody knows who you are.
Excuse-moi, didn't you win
the bronze medal in the giant slalom?
Sorry, I'm just a giant skiing fan.
My whole table is.
Everyone, everyone, look who I just met.
Nope, I'm leaving. Ow!
How dare you speak to me that way!
[whispering] Come on, hit me.
I'm not ruining this wedding.
That's what you think.
You knave!
They're rich, not medieval.
[grunting]
[crashing]
PERSON OVER PA: Attention! Attention!
All guards to the ballroom.
Okay. You can see both exits from here.
- Stay and keep watch.
- Oh, so you can grab the jewel
and slip out like the snake you are?
How would a snake grab a jewel?
With its tongue, obviously.
They're prehensile.
Okay, I still have questions
about how it crawls,
but I'm gonna go grab
this thing instead.
You know nothing about nature,
and I'm coming with.
From here on out, I am attached to you.
Oh, what, like a male anglerfish?
Good reference, but I'm still mad.
Hey, who are you guys?
Oh, hey. I'm Officer Night.
You might be wondering my first name.
- Officer? We are not officers.
- [dart gun shot]
Ooh. [body thuds]
First name, Good. "Good Night."
Oh, I don't think he gets it.
Well, smash and grab time.
[glass shattering]
That way! You lead!
There is no way I'm
turning my back on you.
[alarm blaring]
ARCHER: I would have gone left.
Ugh! Stop backseat escaping!
I don't care. Get it done!
- Yeah, I'm on it. Hold on a sec.
- [grunting]
Usually HR complaints
don't involve a dead body,
a town hall to discuss the dead body,
and then a blatant lie
involving Edgar Allan Poe.
CYRIL: Ouch!
I'm on the goddamn phone!
Oh, sorry, your Archdukeness.
I wouldn't worry about it.
It's not like violence
against an archduke
ever led to something bad.
I'll come up with
something for you, Lana.
If I wanted to be a career babysitter,
I would have majored in sociology
at a regional community college.
Fucking fix it!
Here you are, Ms. Arch
Oh, my God, I'm Malory.
- Sorry.
- CYRIL: You know, systems of power
- [glass shattering]
- Go print an invoice.
[dramatic music]
♪
Huh? Jeezy-petes!
- [phone rings]
- CYRIL: Archer, we weren't hired by Interpol.
There's a zero instead of the "O."
- It's a fake!
- [cocks gun]
♪
Interpol didn't hire us.
- You did.
- It's not what you think.
What I think is that
you give me that emerald,
and I take you to the
cops or mimes or whatever.
I'm afraid I can't do that.
[tense music]
♪
I am not cleaning that up.
We're not so different, you and I.
Wait, I know how that
sounds, but seriously.
You're the mole at Interpol.
[chuckles] "Intermole."
Damn it, it was right there.
You saw my record.
People at Interpol have been trying
to sabotage me because
I make them look bad.
So I hired you personally
to catch the Vanguard.
Then why were you buying us all drinks
and trying to find out
personal stuff about us?
Because Interpol is Snore City,
and you guys are fun.
We do kind of rule.
But honestly, the
real reason I hired you
is I just have to win.
And I knew you would come through.
[all grunting]
♪
I've got a motorcycle
stashed on the stairwell.
Can I drive down the
stairs on the motorcycle?
If you're okay with
me sitting behind you.
I accept.
[romantic music]
Oh, sorry. Uh, reflex.
No, no, no, I get it.
I mean, look at me.
[engine revving]
Whoo-hoo-hoo, motorcycle!
Do you have to do that?
Let me answer your question with a whoo!
You know, we make a great team.
Hard to disagree.
[sirens wailing]
I think if we take some time
building up our trust level
Then you're really gonna hate this.
- Decoy!
- Ah!
♪
- [tires screeching]
- [crashing]
Okay, now I hate being right.
LANA: Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?
Well, first off,
I want to apologize for yesterday.
I really wish Cyril
wouldn't have gone off script
- and lied to you.
- God damn it.
But you should all know
this is a spy organization.
We do dangerous work,
and that means you're gonna
see some crazy-ass shit.
So while I will try to be
as transparent as possible,
as transparent as possible
is not gonna be very transparent.
Well, that is not acceptable.
Hold up there, face-nuts.
The boss is talking.
Is this part of your assistant duties?
The only part of the job I like.
- [whimpers]
- And let me tell you.
This will absolutely not
be the most messed-up thing
you're gonna see here.
Want to leave? Go ahead.
Want to stay? You just got a 5% raise.
- [grunting]
- [elevator dings]
Any questions?
KURT: Hey, Jim, do you have
those quarterly reports?
Wow, Pam sure does know her shit.
Blame Cyril, tough love, raise.
So you still gonna do the glass walls?
Well, you know what they say.
People who live in glass
houses are fucking morons.
As soon as she pretended
not to be into me, I knew.
Traitor, god damn it.
These apologies from Pam and Ray
better be absolutely abject
360-degree tongue baths.
[door slams]
Hey, you made it.
- I knew you would.
- What how
- what the
- It was the only move.
No time to explain, but we do need
to introduce you to someone.
This is Pavle.
Yeah, he's apparently
with some sort of group
called, like, I want
to say the Vanguard.
- Did I get that right?
- And he wants to talk to us
about maybe joining up.
And I think we, us thieves,
should hear him out.
Oh, well, hello.
Whoa! [body thuds]
- [dart gun shots]
- Ah!
[bodies thudding]
[laughing]
Hi.
♪
Made in Georgia.