It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s14e01 Episode Script

1 (door opens, closes) DEE: Hey, look what I just found, at the bus stop.
"Gruesome twosome seek exotic Europeans for week long rental "in luxurious one-bedroom apartment.
"Bed to be shared with owners.
Shitter down hall.
Email F.
Reynolds at Warthog-OrgyFart.
edu.
" - FRANK: Nice.
- Wha what? - CHARLIE: Yeah.
It's a good ad.
You know, we got the Airbnb idea from Dennis and Mac, - 'cause they're doing it.
- Yes, but we're not posting creepy flyers at bus stations.
I mean, w-what kind of people do you think - you're gonna attract with that? - FRANK: What? Young Bohemians with no sexual boundaries, w-who don't mind a shitter down the hall.
CHARLIE: Yeah, like, European backpacking chicks - who stay in hostels and stuff.
- Yeah.
Free.
- CHARLIE: Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Don't be jealous when Charlie and I are up to our eyebrows in Viennese gash.
- Ugh.
- Ugh, gross.
Come on, man.
Guys, don't try to lump yourselves in with what we're doing, okay? What we're doing is very charming and romantic.
- We're setting up a meet-cute.
- Ah, a-a w-what? Are you trying to say, uh, "meat cube"? - Like, a little cube of meat? - Meat? - Because that's a good idea, actually.
- MAC: No.
(stammers) We're doing a meet-cute.
It's-it's where two soul mates meet under charming and/or cute circumstances.
- Like, from a rom-com.
- DENNIS: No.
- Let-let's keep the trap simple.
- Yeah.
Well, don't call it a trap, because that's not romantic.
Yeah, I'm sure for Dennis, it's a trap.
- - - (knocking on door) - MAC: Coming.
You must be Lisa.
- And you must be Mac.
- That's right.
Come on in to my very spacious apartment.
This is gonna be your room here, - and I think that - DENNIS: Hello.
Oh Hello, I'm Dennis.
I'm here for the room.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
Dennis, no.
Y-You're supposed to be here next week.
No, it was this week.
Uh, for sure it was this week.
Oh, my God, it was this week.
- You know, this is, this is humiliating.
- Did something happen? - I must have overbooked - Oh.
- this Airbnb, and that's a problem - Oh, my gosh.
- because we only have the one room, so - We can work this out, because I think we can probably stay in the same room to-together.
It wouldn't bother me if it wouldn't bother you.
I mean, I-I don't like to come off as a difficult person.
- Um - Oh.
Now, d-do you like to come off as a difficult person? (laughs softly) No.
- No.
Of course not.
- Oh, no.
- Who-who would? Who would? - Yeah.
No, no one likes to be a difficult person, so we can make it work.
- I'm Dennis.
- (chuckles): Uh I don't think my husband and I would be comfortable sharing a room.
Husband? I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were married.
- I didn't realize I had to tell you that.
- DENNIS: Yeah.
- Oh - GREG: Uh, hi.
- Uh, one of you guys must be Mac.
- Yeah, that's me.
- You, you're the husband.
- Mm-hmm.
I see.
Uh, this is Dennis.
- What's up? - He's also gonna be staying here.
- Well - Yeah, you know what? Maybe we should just get another room.
- Oh, no, no.
I mean, maybe.
- We're gonna make it work.
Well, you guys crash in there, - and Dennis will stay in my room.
- Uh, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Uh, I'm good.
- I-I'm not gonna.
- Oh, well, it's just that you, you just said that you were cool sharing a room, so DENNIS: Right.
Yeah, but I was, uh, you know, I'm-I'm, but, you know, ch (stammers) Things change.
(chuckles) Yeah.
It's just that you don't have anywhere to go.
Well, you wouldn't know that.
- Yeah, somehow I do.
- Yeah Hey, we're just really tired and would love to crash, if that's okay.
Absolutely.
Yeah, you guys, you guys hit the hay.
We're probably gonna hit the hay, too.
- Thank you.
- All right, yeah.
Best of luck.
- Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, we're gonna work it out.
- It's not gonna be an issue.
- All right.
Thanks.
Have a great night, guys.
CHARLIE: This is so exciting.
- Yeah.
- Now, you said they're, uh, where are these girls from? - Australia? Or what is that? - No, no.
They're two Austrian broads.
- Aww - Alexi and Nikki.
Oh, wowee, Frank.
Those names are, those names are like Before they get here, we got to lay down some ground rules.
When we wind up working the same broad, no eye contact between the two of us.
- Wait, what? - And they're gonna encourage us - to explore each other's bodies.
- What? - A-And that's a hard no for me.
- No, for me, too.
- Let's lead with that.
- Wait, what's about to happen? - (knocking on door) - I'm not sure I want Keep your fingers to yourself.
- But have a good time.
- Uh Hey, can I just kind of want you to explain what you - Yeah.
- what you got on your mind here, but Who the hell are you? Hi.
We're here for the room.
Nah, no, no, no, no, no.
We're waiting for Nikki and Alexi.
Yeah.
I am Nikki, and this is my father Alexi.
Oh, shit.
(grunts) What is this, man? W-What, what are we doing? I-I don't want to do this anymore.
Can we stop? Huh? No, we can't stop now.
We're-we're right on track.
I don't know, man.
It just It just feels like a-a lot of effort, and it feels desperate, you know what I mean? Like, I-I never put this much work into banging some cute meat.
Cute meat? Cute meat.
That-that was your phrase.
No, Dennis, "meet-cute.
" It has a name, Mac.
Its name is Lisa.
This is fun, right? This is the banter.
This is the, this is this is all a part of act one banter.
And we are right on schedule.
- Shh.
Listen.
- (distant arguing) (whispering): They're fighting.
I'm telling you, their marriage is on the rocks.
- What-what, wait-wait-wait.
- (distant squawking) What's that third noise? Dude, i-is that, like, a chicken or a parrot or some shit? Dude, uh, I thought we said no animals.
Mac, tell them no animals in my room.
- That's no animal.
- (knocking on door) - Oh - We needed reinforcements.
- Okay, catch me up to speed.
- Shh, shh.
- Listen, listen.
(mouths) - LISA: You can't keep blaming me - for what happened with Teddy.
- Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
- Who is Teddy? (gasps) - Mm The wife must have cheated on the husband with some guy named Teddy.
No, no, no, that's all wrong.
The female love interest can't be a cheater, because that makes her unlikable.
Maybe this isn't a romantic comedy about the wife at all.
Maybe it's about the husband.
Yes.
The husband is the lonely heart who needs to find love in the big city.
(gasps) Dee, you're my new romantic lead, proving that romantic leads don't have to be likable at all.
I'm sorry, I can't follow any of this.
- Am I in or out? - You're out.
- Great.
I'm gonna go sleep in the living room.
- Okay.
- Uh - Awesome.
(polka song playing, yodeling) Charlie, this is weird as shit.
Yeah.
Hey hey, uh, Nikki, what's this - that we're listening to here, pal? - NIKKI: Oh.
It's just a little bit of music that I wrote.
- Ah, you're a, you're a yodeler, huh? - (music stops) Uh, y-yeah.
Uh, may I ask if you have a small pot - that I can boil these lederhosen in? - Uh, yeah.
I got something.
Uh, let me just look around here.
(Nikki humming) What do you got going there with the toe? - FRANK: Does he speak English? - No, and sadly, - he refuses to learn.
- CHARLIE: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, Frank doesn't like to learn new things either.
Here you go.
Tha-That should work.
Ask him what he's working that toe with.
(speaking German) Um, how do you say There is no word.
Uh, "toe spoon," for the digging out of the toe.
- Mmm.
- Don't flick it.
Hey, Frank, can I talk to you for a second over here, man? - Mind if we just - Yeah.
Dude, this is weird as hell man.
We gotta We're just gonna have to, like, power through this night, and then we'll figure something out tomorrow, man.
All right? We'll just Let's just get into bed, and get out of here.
Hey, hey, guys, you know, - we figure we should just turn in early.
- We're gonna go to sleep - right now.
- 'Cause the night goes quicker, you know? - We usually sleep ass to ass.
- That's true.
But let's see if we can - I call the side.
- I'll get - You got the end, huh? - Yeah.
Picked the side here.
- Why don't you hop in.
- All right, I'll hop in.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Well, ass to ass.
- FRANK: We're ass to ass.
- Here we go.
All right.
(snorts) Fuck this.
(whispering): Dennis.
Come here.
- What What are you doing, man? - Shh! Shh.
Wh-Why are you in their room? - Shh, shh, shh.
- What? I just set up the perfect meet-cute for Dee.
- Okay.
- See, Greg's in the shower, so I snuck in there, I picked the lock, and I just made my way in.
I checked him out for a quick second.
He has a tiny penis, just for the record.
- Ah.
- Then, I open up the toilet.
I shit, like, my brains out into it, right? I came at this thing like an animal, man.
And then I took a bunch of toilet paper.
I-I jammed it in there so it won't flush; it won't flush.
Why? Because when Greg gets out of the shower, he's gonna realize that this toilet is a mess.
I mean, it is a splatter-fest.
He's gonna look for a plunger.
There is no plunger.
I'm gonna send him down to the hardware store, where he's gonna run into Dee.
GREG: Oh, my God! Greg, y Are you okay in there? Um, no.
I-I think there's a problem with the toilet.
You may need to get a plunger.
A plunger? Oh, man, we don't really even have a plunger here in the apartment, but we have a hardware store down the street.
If you go down there and get it, I can get you back.
GREG: Okay.
Hey, when did this happen? Wh-What? GREG: The shit in the toilet.
It's not mine.
Oh, my God, when did that happen? - Just close the door.
- That's what I'm asking you.
- Okay, now the plan is in motion for you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean the plan's in motion for me? I thought I was out.
Remember when we were saying that the female romantic lead would never cheat? - Uh-huh.
- Okay, well, I overheard Lisa saying to Greg that she misses Teddy.
Huh? Why would she tell Greg that she misses the guy that she cheated with? Unless she didn't cheat on him with Teddy.
Maybe Teddy was a platonic friend from high school that makes Greg jealous.
Don't you know what this means? Lisa is still our romantic lead, which means - So I'm still your leading man.
- Yeah.
(sighs heavily) (frying pan sizzling) - This is crazy, Charlie.
- Yeah, I know.
I mean, Dennis is having meet cubes with hot chicks, - and we're stuck with these guys.
- I know.
I want to be having meet cubes, right? - Me, too.
Me, too.
- (exclaiming in German) What the hell? What the hell is he doing? I don't know what he's doing.
What are you What are you doing there? What What are you doing with the spoon? You can't get to the hard-to-reach places with that.
You need a knife.
You need an edge.
- Here, take this.
- What, uh CHARLIE: What are you working on over here, pal? Because, you know, Frank and I have a very specific diet; we like to eat pretty clean.
And I don't want to - That is, uh, sausage - Yeah.
- mit peanut butter und apricot jam sandwich.
- Hmm.
But the trick is to melt the cheese on the outside.
Well, that's right, you put peanut butter on the inside, you put the cheese on the outside.
But you don't want to burn that cheese, right, so you BOTH: so you finish it on the radiator.
I do that, too.
I didn't think anyone did that, man! And that is the trick.
That's how you do it.
- That's exactly Exactly.
- Exactly.
Hey, Charlie, this is pretty good.
You can get in there behind the toe, and it's rounded, so you don't have a chance of filletin' yourself.
Probably shouldn't share it, though, guys.
It's not That's not sanitary.
I got a question.
Tell me if it's asking too much, but I've always kind of seen myself as a yodeler.
Would you be willing to show me how you do that? I would like that very much.
- For real? Okay, 'cause I feel like - (phone chimes) if I if I learn how to yodel, I'm going places.
You know what I mean? Because, like, no one - no one's doing that these days.
- (hushed tone): Charlie.
- Charlie, come here.
- Uh, give me one second.
Yo, what's up? We just got a hit on the apartment.
Two European broads.
Oh, I don't know, man, things are starting to really - turn a corner with these guys.
- Yeah, I know.
I mean, you know, I'm having fun.
- I like the spoon.
- And you got that.
- I guess Okay, but you know.
- Yeah.
Yeah, ooh And (men speaking German) - Sorry, no.
We double-booked.
- Sorry, guys.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
- We're gonna miss you.
- You know, these things happen.
- We-we just double-booked.
- Thanks for the toe spoon.
Yeah, thanks so much, guys.
Good-bye.
Oops.
- Sorry.
- (both chuckle) That was pretty cute, wasn't it, how we both reached for the plunger at the same time? (chuckles) - Yeah, I guess.
- (stammers) Also, looks like it's the only one.
It's the last one, so, um maybe we could share it.
How would that work? Well, I guess, first you'd have to come back to my place.
You know, I can always use a man to help me clean my pipes.
Help flushing the shit you took that backed up your toilet? No.
No, that's No, that's it wasn't shit.
- That's not what I'm talking about.
It wasn't shit.
- What was it? - I don't care.
- Okay, it doesn't matter.
The point is that it's-it's charming and cute and fun how we, how we just sort of met like this over a plunger.
Don't you think so? (chuckles) I'm just gonna go to another hardware store.
Well, okay.
Well, hold on a second.
Wait, wait.
Don't go.
There we go.
Pushing away his soul mate, right on structure.
End act two.
Hey! It's my roomie.
What's going on? Hi.
- I got you some wine.
- Oh, no, thank you.
Well, it helps when you're sad.
You seem sad.
But I-I get it.
I-I understand.
- You do? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you miss Teddy, and no one can replace him.
I assume you overheard my husband and I.
(sobs) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, look, maybe I can fill that void, you know, if only for a few hours of, uh, sexual bliss.
Oh, no.
What? Sex.
Bangin'.
It's good to take the mind off things.
You know? But wait, l-let me, let me ease your mind about something.
I'm not the jealous type, like your husband.
You know, you want to spend time with Teddy also, uh, - that's fine, you know.
- (crying softly) Dig that guy up, you know, see what he's been up to these days.
I honestly don't give a shit.
(chuckles) - Yeah.
- (crying) You all right? - What? - Oh.
What happened? (Dennis clears throat) This is so bad.
(sobbing): Don't talk about him.
(door closes) - Okay, that went great.
- Huh? - Now, next steps - Whoa.
How, in your mind, did that go great? - I thought the crying was hot.
- I did, too.
But it just, it seems like it's gonna be annoying.
I find you annoying.
This whole thing's annoying.
- I'm gonna go back to my thing.
- No, Dennis, this is working.
You just have to trust the structure.
- Uh, nah.
- Just trust the structure.
(sighs) - Yeah Come on in, come on in.
- Well, yeah, come on in.
Oh, this this is the spot.
- Sorry it's messy.
- It's a little messy.
We had a guest, and he trashed the joint.
That's right, the-the guest trashed the place.
No, it is perfect.
- Uh, so much space.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Looks very bohemian.
And I like that the bathroom down the hall is so close.
- Yeah, it's right, it's right there.
- It's not far, right? - I mean, there's no door on it.
- Yeah.
But that's because the guy in 4B went berserk and ripped it off.
- Oh.
- Uh, yeah.
And if you do have to use the bathroom, - what I can do is I can become the door for you.
- Yeah.
- I do that for Frank when he's taking a dump in there.
- You stand in front of it.
No, no, no, it is okay.
We're very free with our bodies.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
Yeah, us, too.
I mean - I only see one bed.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's a one-bedder.
- Uh - Oh.
- We can sleep on the floor - No, no, no, no, no.
- No.
That's no fun.
- We should all share.
Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, that's okay with me.
Is that okay with you? - No fun to sleep - Yeah, here on the bed.
- Ah-ah-ah.
That is not very free with your body.
- Uh what do you mean? - Wh-Wh-What? - We all sleep naked.
It's more fun.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come, we don't bite.
- (stammers) - Yeah, just take it off.
Come.
- (chuckles) MAC: So you're telling me that you got nowhere with Greg? That's not true.
That's not true at all.
Got him right where I want him.
This is the part where I sit back and wait for him to come to his senses.
Th-That-That's not how it works.
(sighs) Goddamn it.
This is the part where the trashy skank is-is supposed to lure the husband away.
He bangs that nasty snatch, and then Lisa recognizes that he is a dullard and needs to drop him, so that Lisa, the true hero of the story, can figure out that she needs to be free and find love.
I'm the true hero of the story.
You are a diversionary plot twist at best.
- (door opens) - And you couldn't even do that right.
- Ooh, what a night! Wha! - (laughs) - You can't believe what happened.
- Whew! FRANK: We got the backpackers we wanted, and they're as sexually free as we hoped.
- Those girls are wild, man.
- It was amazing.
They wanted us to, like-like, touch each other and stuff.
I'm like, "Dude, that's a hard no for me.
" No, it was a hard no for me, too.
- Well, but - I said no.
- I said no.
- You were thinking about it, though.
- All of a sudden, like, Frank gives me one of those - No, I wasn't thinking about it.
- I'm like, "Are you kidding me?" I'm not gonna do that.
- No, no, no, I wasn't (Charlie and Frank chattering excitedly) I can't even understand them half the time.
- It's like the accents - I don't know.
They were crazy chicks.
Hey, hoping you're having fun with your "meat cube" romance party.
That does sound fun.
I do want some of those meat cubes later.
Dude, that girl with the, with the long fingernails Jesus Christ.
Frank and Charlie are off having orgies, and I'm sitting here all alone.
I mean, this is crazy.
The whole world's upside down.
- Up is down, black is white.
- Straight is gay.
That's it! - What? - Maybe Teddy cheated with Greg.
(gasps) Maybe this whole thing has just been one giant meet-cute for me and Greg.
DENNIS: Hmm.
You know, it won't play in Middle America, but screw it.
We'll jam it down their throats till they enjoy it.
W-We'll force them to like it.
- So you'll help me? - I will.
- And I'll help you, too.
- Get your hand off me.
Yeah, get your hands off him.
We don't need your help.
I think we're probably gonna end up cutting you out of this almost entirely.
- Uh, Mac, let's go find you some romance.
- Yeah! Shall we? You know Okay, but just a heads-up: It's not gonna work, all right? Men are not in charge anymore.
You know? Men-men don't get to just decide what women get to do (quietly): Hey, Frank.
- Yeah? - Hey.
Can I admit something to you? If you're gonna tell me that was your finger, Charlie, I'm gonna be pissed.
No, that was, that was definitely Minka.
- She's real aggressive with the fingers.
- Oh, my I don't get that move at all.
But, dude, something, besides this violent Euro ass play, it just doesn't feel right, man.
Plus, dude, these girls are drug addicts.
I saw them using Alexi's toe spoon to cook heroin.
- What?! - I don't even think we need to whisper.
Like - Oh.
- Yeah, they're passed out, man.
Oh, dude.
This isn't good.
This isn't good.
(Charlie exhales) - Yeah.
- (sighs) Charlie.
- Look, it's done for.
- It's ruined.
I know, yeah.
- No, it's-it's ruined.
- (sighs): Oh.
Hey, Frank, can I admit something else to you, man? I-I can't stop thinking about Alexi and Nikki.
(sighs) Me, too.
Like, maybe we made a huge mistake, man.
- We might've.
- And I know it's - that it's two hot girls.
- Hot chicks.
A-And you should make the most of that, right? But Because it's good, you know? - But some-something just doesn't feel right, man.
- Yeah.
Something doesn't feel right.
- No, it doesn't feel right.
- Something's off.
I miss those guys.
I miss them.
I - What's that? What's that? - Oh, that thing? Oh, yeah.
Uh Uh, there was a package outside the door when we came back the-the other night, and - What's it, a gift? - Yeah, I don't know.
It I can't read it 'cause it's, like, in Austrian or something.
Uh - No, it's in English.
- Yeah.
I-Is it English? FRANK: "Thanks for everything.
Love, Alexi and Nikki.
" - Oh, no shit? - They gave us a present.
They left a gift for us? (mutters quietly) (both gasp) Meat cube.
Bus station.
(yelps, laughing) Pretty Woman.
(laughs) Yeah! I'm just gonna go out to the car.
GREG: Yeah, okay.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
Okay, great.
Okay, all right.
This is your moment, Mac.
Now remember, just speak from the heart, all right? Sweep him off his feet.
Go to him.
- Go to him.
Yes.
- No, no.
Hey, uh, uh, Greg? - Yes.
- Uh, was wondering if we could have a quick chat.
("I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd playing) - Oh.
Sorry about that, guys.
Wrong-wrong track.
- (music stops) - Yeah.
That was the wrong song.
- Here we go.
- Oh, here we go.
- ("In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel playing) - That's the one.
- (clears throat) Um (chuckles softly) I know that what you had with Teddy was special, and I know that I could never replace him.
But that's dead and buried now, man, and you got to move on.
I-I And I know that it's crazy.
I know that it's crazy 'cause we just met, but I feel like if-if you just give us a chance, we could tell a love story for the ages.
(chuckles softly) A gay gay-ass love story.
A-And, yeah, maybe it won't play in Middle America, and-and maybe it's not even ready for the mainstream, but it'll win a ton of awards, and it'll get a shit ton of attention for the liberal press.
- I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.
- (sighs) I dumped up your toilet, Greg.
It was me.
It was always me.
But I did it for us, to draw us closer together.
- Now, I just think if we can - LISA: What? Lisa's here.
- What's going on? - Lisa, I'm glad you're here.
Thank you.
Please come in.
We have something to tell you.
- No.
- It's time you heard the truth.
Greg and I are going to be together.
But know this.
There was nothing that-that you could've ever done, because what Greg needed was Teddy.
And what he needs now is me.
So, Greg, let me be your everything, just like your old lover Teddy.
(voice breaking): Teddy was our son.
All my instincts He died of leukemia.
- What? - Oh, you know what? I think Let me, uh - ("La Bamba" by Ritchie Valens playing) - No, you got to, you got to - ("Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer playing) - Just turn it off.
Just off.
- ("(I've Had) The Time of My Life" by Bill Medley playing) - Just-just turn it off.
- (music stops) - Sorry.
Yeah.
I don't have a dead kid's uh, approp-appropriate Um I guess we'll let you get back to the healing.
Yeah, you guys do your thing.
Yeah.
(gasps) That's not romantic.
Or comedic.
- You think they're gonna give us a bad review? - Yeah.
I guess we're not gonna get that romantic comedy ending after all.
("Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen playing) - This way, Frank.
- Wait.
Oh, yeah.
- Nikki?! - Alexi?! - Alexi?! - Where are they? - Nikki?! - Yeah.
Nikki?! Alexi?! No, Nikki, Alexi! - Nikki, wait, wait, wait! Wait! - Alexi! - Wait, wait, wait.
Listen.
- Hey! - Listen, please-please, please don't go.
- Hey.
(exhales) We're the perfect match.
We-we didn't say it before, - but w-we understand now.
- Yeah.
We feel the same way, but we must return to our country.
But we will return here exactly one year from today.
If you feel the same, be here at sunset, and we will spend our days together, knee-deep in American gash.
- Wait one year? One year.
- (chuckles) Okay.
We'll be here.
- We'll be right here.
- We'll be here.
We'll be here.
- Alexi.
- CHARLIE: Have a good trip.
- Thank you for everything.
- FRANK: Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
Bye.
- Thank you.
I I love you! Oh, man.
What do you think, buddy? He had me at "gash," Charlie.
He had me at "gash.
" Garden she hides - Bye! Bye! Bye! - Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye! Oh, man.
I'm gonna miss 'em.
To go driving around She'll let you into the parts of herself - Go home? - Yeah.
That will bring you down Hell of a guys, you know what I'm saying? They were, they were great.
They were great guys.
Yeah.
I mean, a little weird, you know? (trio chanting backwards)