Live at The Apollo (2004) s14e01 Episode Script
Ellie Taylor, Tez Ilyas, Fin Taylor
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Ellie Taylor! MUSIC: Pencil Full Of Lead by Paolo Nutini LOUD APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, my friends, are you well? CHEERING Oh, look at this, Apollo, just a room full of people staring at a pregnant lady No bastard offering me a seat.
Noted, noted.
No, it is lovely to be here at the Apollo.
This kid is a lazy double act partner.
One of us is doing all the work, one of us is doing absolutely nothing.
Bit like Ant and Dec at the moment, isn't it? AUDIENCE: Ohhh! Don't worry, I'm pregnant, it's not bitchy, it's just hormonal, it's fine.
It's very exciting times.
I've only got a few months left to go now, but to be honest, I'm still not feeling very maternal.
I'm just not really programmed to coo at babies.
If I see a baby, I don't feel anything.
It's like Theresa May walking past a homeless person.
I just don't feel that way, don't feel that way.
If I see a baby, don't feel anything.
If I see a cat, however SHE PURRS RASPINGLY I can basically feel the fur growing on my ovaries.
I'm secretly hoping this is actually a litter of tabbies, if I'm honest.
I would love to get a cat, I really would.
I would love to get a cat, but my husband won't let me, because I think people are sort of split into two in the world.
You're either a cat person or you're dead inside.
That's the issue.
Because we grew up in very different households.
So I grew up and we had loads of cats.
My husband grew up and he kept birds.
Which I think is the creepiest of all the pets.
Isn't it? Like little doggie, lovely, little catty, super cute, bird SHE SCREAMS It's freaking terrifying.
What does keeping a bird teach you apart from, if you love something, lock it in a cage and cover it with a cloth.
I said to my husband the only way we will have a bird in our house is if it comes in a bucket covered in 11 herbs and spices.
But I've worked out what I'm going to do if he won't let me get a little kitty, what my revenge is going to be when this kid is born.
I'm going to call it one of the names I've got in my head for the cats I'm not allowed to own.
Cause kids are all called the same things these days, aren't they? It's all like Tilly, Oscar, Bella, George Not my kid.
My kid will enter a room and people will say, "Ellie, who is this?" And I say, "This, this is my daughter, Catrick Swayze.
" LOUD LAUGHTER "Oh, I just dropped her.
Never mind, eight more lives to go.
" I still don't really feel ready, to be honest.
I feel like such a kid in my head.
Like at any one moment, I basically want to be eating a Dairylea Dunker and watching Live & Kicking, that's where I'm at.
And there's loads of things like that.
Like, I like things grown-ups aren't meant to like.
Like, your favourite smell as an adult is meant to be, like, the pages of an old book, a fine Chianti from '79.
Do you know what my favourite smell is? Lynx Africa.
LAUGHTER I genuinely love Lynx Africa.
People are like, "Oh, why? "It's disgusting, it's cheap and smells of teenage boys.
" Exactly.
The good old days.
I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot.
Which is why it was quite a big mental hurdle for me to get my head around the idea that me and my husband were going to try for a baby.
Like having sex and trying to get pregnant That is like the opposite of what I've been trying to do since I was about 16.
And there's other younger people in the room, right, you know what I mean? You have only ever known a time in your life when you're trying not to get pregnant.
Or trying not get somebody else pregnant.
And I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but on both accounts, I fucking smashed it.
I think it comes down to skill set at the end of the day.
Doesn't it? People are just good at different things.
Some people are good at the violin, some people are good at parallel parking, I was very good at taking the pill.
LAUGHTER Every day, every day, every day! Honestly, I used to think I was so good at taking the pill I deserved a reward.
Arguably, there was a reward - it was the reward of not having to watch Peppa Pig or cleaning up another human's shit.
Tell you what I don't understand, is women who are on the pill and forget to take it.
I don't get that.
Because don't get me wrong, I forget things.
I forget my keys, my wallet, the fact I'm married, sure! But forgetting to take something that can prevent you from creating a human that could one day say, "Turn the machines off, it's what she would have wanted.
" I'm going to remember that one, thank you.
Obviously, that happens though.
Women forget to take the pill, they get knocked up.
Happened to a girl I used to work with, actually.
When I used to work in an office, right, and we were chatting about it one day - she was so blase.
We were in the kitchen, she's just standing there rubbing her belly, like, "Well, the thing is, I've just got really bad memory.
" I was thinking, "That's funny, because every day without fail you remember to steal my milk.
"Maybe if you'd strapped your packet of Microgynon to my semi-skimmed" LAUGHTER .
.
Stephen in accounts wouldn't be telling everyone how you trapped him.
I think the reason I was always very good at remembering to take the pill, because I've been on it for so long, I was on it since I was about 16.
And the reason I started taking it was because I was going out with my first boyfriend, Kevin Sutherland, Boom-chicka-wow-wow.
He was quite the catch Um, he had a Peugeot 106 and a tattoo of Bart Simpson, which I thought showed a great joie de vivre.
And things were going very well between Kevin and I.
We had matching bracelets from Argos.
You can tell how serious we were.
And we'd agreed that we were going to do it for the first time.
Right, so I was like, "Right, I'll put myself on the pill because it's my first time.
"It's going to be really special.
"My first time is going to be just like in the movies.
" So the big day arrived and Kevin, bless him, he made such an effort for everything to be really perfect.
Like, he paid his little brother to leave the room To this day, the most romantic thing a man has ever done for me.
And he made a mix CD of all of our favourite romantic songs.
You know, like, "Boom Boom Boom, Let Me Hear You Say Way-Oh.
" And as we laid down on his single bed, with his Liverpool FC duvet cover on it .
.
the scent of Lynx Africa heavy in the air .
.
and as Kevin took my virginity, so beautifully, and gently, and quickly .
.
from behind .
.
I remember thinking, "Wow, just like in the movies.
" Obviously, it's quite difficult to make eye contact in that position, isn't it? Almost felt like I lost my virginity to Steven Gerrard.
LAUGHTER I'll never walk alone.
I never will.
But the elation of losing my virginity in such a magical fashion was sort of undercut by the fact I immediately became paranoid that I thought I might be pregnant, and this would happen every month.
I don't know if any other girls were like this when they were teenagers.
Holy shit - the fear, the anxiety, the paranoia, it was like living in an episode of Doctor Foster.
My main teenage hobbies were netball, calling landlines and doing pregnancy tests in Wimpy toilets.
I was always so worried about accidentally getting pregnant, but when me and my husband decided we were going to try for a baby, I went completely the opposite way.
I was like, right, if we are going to do this, we are going to get shit done.
No fannying around here, so to speak.
Started using those ovulation sticks that you wee on, not very sexy.
Even less sexy when your husband mistakes one for a new vape.
Don't think much of this new flavour.
But the smiley face is a nice touch, so But you know, they worked.
We got pregnant really quickly, like, much quicker than I thought we would.
So quickly I kind of got thrown in my head.
I was a bit out of sorts for a while.
I remember ringing the doctors, this is a true story Rang the doctors and the receptionist said to me, "What's the reason for the appointment?" And I said, "Well, I think I'm pregnant.
" And she said, "OK, let's get you booked in.
Date of birth?" I said, "Well, I don't know yet, that's why I need to see a doctor!" What a dickhead.
She had to specify that she meant mine.
It's a good job that she did specify, because if she'd said "name," I would've said, "Well, if it's a girl, Catrick Swayze.
"If it's a boy, Draco Meowlfoy.
But it was nice to be able to tell people, I really enjoyed telling my family.
I'm very, very close to my family, which is lovely.
We are always on our family WhatsApp group, which is great.
Do you guys have family WhatsApp groups? Oh, my God, I love them.
They remind me of that line in the song Hotel California.
You can mute it any time you like, but you can never leave.
You're locked into that for life, aren't you? So my family WhatsApp group is me, my mum, my dad, my sister.
All day, me and my mum and my sister back and forth Dad, not so much.
With dad, I would say once every four months.
He opens up WhatsApp, tries to work out what's been going on, accidentally sends a Bulgarian flag emoji Disappears for another four months.
It's lovely, it's really lovely telling people.
It's quite scary though, because when you tell people it means that the birth is imminent.
It's only a few months now.
I'm getting very, very scared about childbirth, I really am.
I'm mostly scared about childbirth because my husband has a massive head.
No, seriously, it's enormous.
When we take photos together, I have to lean forward To create some kind of sense of perspective between us.
Otherwise it looks like I'm taking a selfie with a man on a billboard.
Terrifying.
I've got obsessed with birth, I've started going on to Mumsnet forums about birth injury.
SHE GASPS Holy God, the stuff on there! It's all like, "This has ripped, that has teared.
" There's loads of stuff under the umbrella term of "minjury".
Oh, God, the worst one I read, this poor woman said what she had left downstairs was essentially a uni-hole.
I thought, "That's enough.
" Reading it like, I don't want a uni-hole.
I like the different holes.
Honestly, reading the stuff on there, it makes reading a Stephen King novel look like The Hungry Caterpillar.
I get so angry about birth.
I'm like, why haven't we evolved to do this better by now? One thing I've read, so the reason it's so bad is because babies' heads have got bigger, because we've got more intelligent.
But lady bits have not grown at an equal rate, that's the problem.
I'm like right, "Well, the issue there then is the evolution "to be more intelligent, isn't it? "Let's devolve that right now.
How do we do that? "Stop funding education.
" LAUGHTER The Tories are ahead of the game on this one, guys.
No woman deserves to get a uni-hole so some kid can get a 2:2 in Leisure Management from uni! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Not on my watch.
But my friends, you seem absolutely lovely.
Are you ready for your first act of the evening? CHEERING You are going to absolutely love this guy, I've worked with him for years.
It's a pleasure to be sharing the stage with him tonight.
Make him feel very welcome, the sensational Tez Ilyas! MUSIC: Brimful of Asha by Cornershop LOUD APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Good evening, Apollo, how are you? CHEERING Ah, thank you so much for coming out, this is amazing.
Biggest gig of my life, I'm very excited.
I just want to point out one thing before I start properly, just so you are aware, confession, I am openly Asian, thank you.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
British Asian, love being British, love being Asian.
It's not very popular to say that in 2018, is it? I love being British.
But I do, I love it.
And, also, like of all the Asians, I think being British Asian is the best one.
I haven't tried any of the others, but it can't be better than this, right? It is amazing.
Do you know why? Because there are so many benefits to being British.
LAUGHTER Obviously, I call them reparations.
LAUGHTER I'm Muslim as well, I am Muslim, so I've got all of that going on.
LAUGHTER If you don't know that much about Muslims, you will recognise us from that hit TV show, the news.
LOUD LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Because we've been on that show a lot, this series, haven't we? We've got recurring characters, it's on at prime time, like, I'm not one to normally brag on that, but my people, we've smashed that show.
We absolutely annihilated it.
Plus one, HD, all of that.
I've not been invited on to that show just yet But I feel like a couple more inches on this beard and those offers are going to come flooding right in.
To be honest, I just want more TV work, so bring it on.
A lot of people, they think being Muslim is all animal cruelty, oppressing women and claiming benefits.
That's what they think the whole Muslim experience is.
And what those people haven't realised is, genuinely, there are downsides as well.
LOUD LAUGHTER It's not all summer camps and Nando's up here, you know? Have you tried looking after four wives in this economy? Not when Brexit means Brexit.
I don't even know what that means.
There are people out there I mean, I jest, .
.
but there are genuinely groups of people out there who hate Muslims and Islam.
The main reason they say they don't like us, the big one, we don't integrate, that's their main beef with us.
Muslims don't integrate, and they've got this conspiracy that we are trying to take over the country with our Sharia law.
That's the big conspiracy - we don't integrate and we are trying to take over with Sharia law.
Now, most people I know are Muslim, just by the way I grew up.
And I can't think of a single person that I know, a Muslim person, that wants to take over anywhere with Sharia law.
If you don't know it, the Sharia is the moral and philosophical code by which Muslims live their lives.
It's not about imposing anything on anyone who doesn't believe in it.
For example, just because you're vegan, doesn't mean you want everyone else to be LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING AND CHEERING That was a really bad example, I'll think of a better one tomorrow, all right? I think the thing that annoys me the most is, given how much we are in the news, how much coverage we have been getting is how much people still don't actually know that much about us.
Even good friends of mine.
A few months ago, I was catching up with a good friend of mine called Jonathan.
We were in quite a nice restaurant, we're having a nice time, there's a table next to us celebrating a birthday.
They mind their own business, Jonathan and I minding our own business, everyone was having a great time.
Halfway through my meal, the balloon closest to me from the birthday table, it burst.
And I just shouted out, in my excitement, "Jesus Christ"! Jonathan lost his mind.
"Oh! Jesus Christ, is it?!" HE IMITATES LAUGHTER "Where's your Allah and Muhammad now, mate?" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE "Jonathan, what have you won?" He went, "Nah, mate, just you bang on about being Muslim, yeah.
"But in that moment, when you got scared "You didn't think of Allah, you didn't think of Muhammad, "your mind went straight to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
"What does that say about you? Shit Muslim.
Ahhh!" "All right, Jonathan, "I can clearly see this is the best day of your life.
"Three things.
Thing number one, you should be aware of this, "but if you're not, let me tell you.
"For Muslims, Jesus, that's our vice-captain.
"Secondly, me invoking Jesus Christ in a moment of panic, "it is just me invoking the British cultural saying.
"If anything, it shows how well integrated I am, "thank you very much.
" LAUGHTER "And thirdly, most importantly Jonathan, if at that moment "there was a loud bang, I shouted in Arabic, "you'd have shit yourselves!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERING "If that balloon burst, I went "Allahu Akbar," "you'd have been under the table!" "Eat your bloody dessert, lad.
" This has been lovely, I'm going to leave you on this final thought.
Guys, so I was talking before about how there's people out there who don't like us and they say we don't integrate and we try to take over, they wish we would go back to Muslamistan.
Here's the thing.
I studied British history.
I've read four Wikipedia pages.
I'm a comedian.
My job is to observe the world.
Now, as far as I can tell, going to another country, not learning the language, sticking to your own religion, forcing your customs on others and making no effort to integrate is actually the most British thing you can do.
LOUD LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I've been Tez Ilyas, goodnight, Allah bless, thank you.
LOUD LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING How good was that? Mr Tez Ilyas! APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Are you ready for another fantastic comedian? CHEERING That's bloody handy.
Please make him feel very welcome, one of the most exciting comics on the UK circuit at the moment, it's the brilliant Fin Taylor! POP MUSIC PLAYS Hello! CHEERING Nice to be here, my name is Fin.
If you've never seen my comedy before, it's always described by broadsheet journalists as being very provocative.
That's what they say, "He's very provocative, blah blah blah.
" And I think what they really mean by that is that my material is offensive, but I am privately educated.
So My intentions must be good.
No, I just have opinions nowadays.
It's a weird time to have opinions, isn't it? People don't let you have some opinions.
Like I remember a few weeks ago on Twitter, I just said the opinion that I think you should let trans-women use whatever toilet they want.
Oh, I regret that.
Good Lord.
People came after me.
There's this huge war in feminism, right? As to whether trans-women are women.
And from my point of view, they clearly are, you know, I don't know if you've heard these trans-women, but good grief, they go on a bit.
Chew your ear off.
Very naggy.
And so Now, you have this weird coalition of liberal feminists and quite right-wing Christians united, finally .
.
over the decision to stop people pissing in bathrooms.
It's like, just let people piss where they want.
For Christ's sake, because we all do it, don't we? I mean, I frequently identify as disabled.
Whatever toilet's nearest, frankly.
They're called trans-exclusionary feminists, right, and what they seem to think is if you let the trans-women into the bathrooms, then men in ill-fitting wigs will seize the opportunity to sneak into the toilets and sexually attack the women.
Now, I've never sexually attacked a woman.
I don't think I would.
I mean, I say that now, I can't predict the future, you know You only have morals when you don't need them.
Anyway No, it's an impulse thing.
I imagine you walk past a women's bathroom and you go, "Oh, I bet there's a woman in there, ohh.
" You sort of run in.
Butbeing transgender, that's like two years of mainly admin, isn't it? I mean, you've got to get an appointment, which is months under this government, then consultations, referrals, drug treatment, hormones, surgery, if you go that far.
Then you've got to get your passport changed.
Do you really think you can sustain that level of arousal for two years? If I'm trying to maintain an erection, one of the last things I will do is enter into a correspondence with the DVLA.
You really For two years, signing all the forms I don't know, I believe these people, I think they just want to piss.
At the end of the day, let's be honest, these fellas, they're taking a pay cut LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Trans-women using women's bathrooms, that's the issue.
You never hear about trans-men using men's bathrooms.
Because men's bathrooms, it's not a place that women are trying to sneak into, is it? Very different.
Women's bathrooms are slightly more exotic, because you go in there in pairs to sort of gossip and do your make-up and stuff.
But men, men use public men's rooms for shits they can't do near their family.
Maybe twice a year, a man does a shit so bad he can't look his daughter in the eye afterwards, you know? "Daddy, you're my hero!" "No, you have no idea what I'm capable of.
" "Go to your room, go to your room.
" Washing our hands like Lady Macbeth in there some nights like, "I can'tit won't come out, I can't get clean" I think every second male cubicle should have a Catholic priest in it so you could properly pur It's more of a soul thing, isn't it, sometimes, fellas? "Father, I have sinned.
" "Yeah, clearly, good grief.
"Guinness, was it?" They should try it in service stations, because I don't know if you know, but in the walls in between, they have these holes.
Now I think you should let trans-women piss where they want.
But it's weird, the trans-rights things, it doesn't just divide the mainstream, it divides the LGBT community itself.
This year, I went to Gay Pride in London and there was a protest by some lesbians.
Some lesbians were angry.
They were anti-trans lesbian protesters.
It was quite a lot to take in, right? And a lot of what they said, I think you would call trans-phobic.
They kept going on about the toilet thing, which I do think is just fear-mongering.
However, there was this one thing, and I was like, "I don't think that's trans-phobic, I think that's cos they're lesbian.
" Basically, some people were like, "Hey! You lesbians are trans-phobic, "because you won't sleep with some trans-women.
" I'm like, "Well, yeah, they're lesbian" Every trans-woman's different, right? Some have gone the whole way, some haven't and some might have something that lesbians aren't looking Otherwise, you're basically saying, "Hey, you call yourself a lesbian, "why won't you suck that woman's cock?!" "Because I don't like them, I'm a lesbian, "am I allowed to say that?" I'm a straight guy, I don't know what I'd do with a woman's cock, I'd have to see how I felt in the moment, you know? LAUGHTER I'd shag a man in the pussy, 100%, 100%.
Are you kidding me?! That's the dream, if anything.
Test match special on, yes, please.
People get so angry though, man.
I always used to say the LGBT community and then someone threw a bottle at me for not saying LGBTQIA+.
And it's like, "Mate, I'm on your team, "I just didn't know, like I didn't miss you out deliberately.
"Give people some credit.
"You've named your community after a bloody Welsh village.
LAUGHTER "I'm not going to get everything right first time.
" Also, does anyone know what the A stands for in LGBTQIA? The A? Anyone? Asexual, yeah.
Now that baffles me somewhat.
Like, I don't understand why those people would want to be part of the same group, because that means at Gay Pride, you've got people who are like, "I'm not ashamed, I'm proud, "I'm a man and I love men.
" "I'm a woman, I have sex with women.
" And then you've got these people at the back who are like, "I want no part of this filth!" Likeholding up a blank placard like "Nothing, we want nothing!" You're like, over there, that's a different march, innit? Surely? The problem with some sexist stereotypes though is that they were obviously used in the past to kind of make life harder for women.
But now, some people think maybe life is harder for men, because of the whole Me Too movement.
I don't know about that, but what I do know is that no man could deal with the Me Too hashtag.
Like not even the really woke, liberal good guys.
Like I've got a friend who is a really good guy, you know, like "Ohh" Like one of them.
And he He's always vlogging about why we can't eat prawns or some nonsense.
And he's like, "Oh, this harassment stuff's terrible, isn't it? "This harassment stuff.
Makes you want to castrate yourself.
" "What?" That's what he said.
"Every man should just castrate himself!" It's, like, come on mate, that's such a male response, isn't it? Cos women still want to have sex, they just don't want to be harassed, right? So if women are like, "Hey, could you stop harassing us?" And men go, "Oh, right, I see, well, I guess "I don't need this any more, chop.
" Surely women are like, "No, I still want to have sex, just more on my terms.
" And we're like, "No, no, those are your options.
" Either we can harass you or it's nothing, the species ends.
Pick a team, Karen, huh? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thanks so much for listening, my name's Fin Taylor, have a lovely rest of your evening.
Thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fin Taylor, ladies and gentlemen! Give it up for all the acts you've seen tonight.
You've seen Tez Ilyas CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've seen Fin Taylor I've been Ellie Taylor, thank you so much, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Noted, noted.
No, it is lovely to be here at the Apollo.
This kid is a lazy double act partner.
One of us is doing all the work, one of us is doing absolutely nothing.
Bit like Ant and Dec at the moment, isn't it? AUDIENCE: Ohhh! Don't worry, I'm pregnant, it's not bitchy, it's just hormonal, it's fine.
It's very exciting times.
I've only got a few months left to go now, but to be honest, I'm still not feeling very maternal.
I'm just not really programmed to coo at babies.
If I see a baby, I don't feel anything.
It's like Theresa May walking past a homeless person.
I just don't feel that way, don't feel that way.
If I see a baby, don't feel anything.
If I see a cat, however SHE PURRS RASPINGLY I can basically feel the fur growing on my ovaries.
I'm secretly hoping this is actually a litter of tabbies, if I'm honest.
I would love to get a cat, I really would.
I would love to get a cat, but my husband won't let me, because I think people are sort of split into two in the world.
You're either a cat person or you're dead inside.
That's the issue.
Because we grew up in very different households.
So I grew up and we had loads of cats.
My husband grew up and he kept birds.
Which I think is the creepiest of all the pets.
Isn't it? Like little doggie, lovely, little catty, super cute, bird SHE SCREAMS It's freaking terrifying.
What does keeping a bird teach you apart from, if you love something, lock it in a cage and cover it with a cloth.
I said to my husband the only way we will have a bird in our house is if it comes in a bucket covered in 11 herbs and spices.
But I've worked out what I'm going to do if he won't let me get a little kitty, what my revenge is going to be when this kid is born.
I'm going to call it one of the names I've got in my head for the cats I'm not allowed to own.
Cause kids are all called the same things these days, aren't they? It's all like Tilly, Oscar, Bella, George Not my kid.
My kid will enter a room and people will say, "Ellie, who is this?" And I say, "This, this is my daughter, Catrick Swayze.
" LOUD LAUGHTER "Oh, I just dropped her.
Never mind, eight more lives to go.
" I still don't really feel ready, to be honest.
I feel like such a kid in my head.
Like at any one moment, I basically want to be eating a Dairylea Dunker and watching Live & Kicking, that's where I'm at.
And there's loads of things like that.
Like, I like things grown-ups aren't meant to like.
Like, your favourite smell as an adult is meant to be, like, the pages of an old book, a fine Chianti from '79.
Do you know what my favourite smell is? Lynx Africa.
LAUGHTER I genuinely love Lynx Africa.
People are like, "Oh, why? "It's disgusting, it's cheap and smells of teenage boys.
" Exactly.
The good old days.
I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot.
Which is why it was quite a big mental hurdle for me to get my head around the idea that me and my husband were going to try for a baby.
Like having sex and trying to get pregnant That is like the opposite of what I've been trying to do since I was about 16.
And there's other younger people in the room, right, you know what I mean? You have only ever known a time in your life when you're trying not to get pregnant.
Or trying not get somebody else pregnant.
And I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but on both accounts, I fucking smashed it.
I think it comes down to skill set at the end of the day.
Doesn't it? People are just good at different things.
Some people are good at the violin, some people are good at parallel parking, I was very good at taking the pill.
LAUGHTER Every day, every day, every day! Honestly, I used to think I was so good at taking the pill I deserved a reward.
Arguably, there was a reward - it was the reward of not having to watch Peppa Pig or cleaning up another human's shit.
Tell you what I don't understand, is women who are on the pill and forget to take it.
I don't get that.
Because don't get me wrong, I forget things.
I forget my keys, my wallet, the fact I'm married, sure! But forgetting to take something that can prevent you from creating a human that could one day say, "Turn the machines off, it's what she would have wanted.
" I'm going to remember that one, thank you.
Obviously, that happens though.
Women forget to take the pill, they get knocked up.
Happened to a girl I used to work with, actually.
When I used to work in an office, right, and we were chatting about it one day - she was so blase.
We were in the kitchen, she's just standing there rubbing her belly, like, "Well, the thing is, I've just got really bad memory.
" I was thinking, "That's funny, because every day without fail you remember to steal my milk.
"Maybe if you'd strapped your packet of Microgynon to my semi-skimmed" LAUGHTER .
.
Stephen in accounts wouldn't be telling everyone how you trapped him.
I think the reason I was always very good at remembering to take the pill, because I've been on it for so long, I was on it since I was about 16.
And the reason I started taking it was because I was going out with my first boyfriend, Kevin Sutherland, Boom-chicka-wow-wow.
He was quite the catch Um, he had a Peugeot 106 and a tattoo of Bart Simpson, which I thought showed a great joie de vivre.
And things were going very well between Kevin and I.
We had matching bracelets from Argos.
You can tell how serious we were.
And we'd agreed that we were going to do it for the first time.
Right, so I was like, "Right, I'll put myself on the pill because it's my first time.
"It's going to be really special.
"My first time is going to be just like in the movies.
" So the big day arrived and Kevin, bless him, he made such an effort for everything to be really perfect.
Like, he paid his little brother to leave the room To this day, the most romantic thing a man has ever done for me.
And he made a mix CD of all of our favourite romantic songs.
You know, like, "Boom Boom Boom, Let Me Hear You Say Way-Oh.
" And as we laid down on his single bed, with his Liverpool FC duvet cover on it .
.
the scent of Lynx Africa heavy in the air .
.
and as Kevin took my virginity, so beautifully, and gently, and quickly .
.
from behind .
.
I remember thinking, "Wow, just like in the movies.
" Obviously, it's quite difficult to make eye contact in that position, isn't it? Almost felt like I lost my virginity to Steven Gerrard.
LAUGHTER I'll never walk alone.
I never will.
But the elation of losing my virginity in such a magical fashion was sort of undercut by the fact I immediately became paranoid that I thought I might be pregnant, and this would happen every month.
I don't know if any other girls were like this when they were teenagers.
Holy shit - the fear, the anxiety, the paranoia, it was like living in an episode of Doctor Foster.
My main teenage hobbies were netball, calling landlines and doing pregnancy tests in Wimpy toilets.
I was always so worried about accidentally getting pregnant, but when me and my husband decided we were going to try for a baby, I went completely the opposite way.
I was like, right, if we are going to do this, we are going to get shit done.
No fannying around here, so to speak.
Started using those ovulation sticks that you wee on, not very sexy.
Even less sexy when your husband mistakes one for a new vape.
Don't think much of this new flavour.
But the smiley face is a nice touch, so But you know, they worked.
We got pregnant really quickly, like, much quicker than I thought we would.
So quickly I kind of got thrown in my head.
I was a bit out of sorts for a while.
I remember ringing the doctors, this is a true story Rang the doctors and the receptionist said to me, "What's the reason for the appointment?" And I said, "Well, I think I'm pregnant.
" And she said, "OK, let's get you booked in.
Date of birth?" I said, "Well, I don't know yet, that's why I need to see a doctor!" What a dickhead.
She had to specify that she meant mine.
It's a good job that she did specify, because if she'd said "name," I would've said, "Well, if it's a girl, Catrick Swayze.
"If it's a boy, Draco Meowlfoy.
But it was nice to be able to tell people, I really enjoyed telling my family.
I'm very, very close to my family, which is lovely.
We are always on our family WhatsApp group, which is great.
Do you guys have family WhatsApp groups? Oh, my God, I love them.
They remind me of that line in the song Hotel California.
You can mute it any time you like, but you can never leave.
You're locked into that for life, aren't you? So my family WhatsApp group is me, my mum, my dad, my sister.
All day, me and my mum and my sister back and forth Dad, not so much.
With dad, I would say once every four months.
He opens up WhatsApp, tries to work out what's been going on, accidentally sends a Bulgarian flag emoji Disappears for another four months.
It's lovely, it's really lovely telling people.
It's quite scary though, because when you tell people it means that the birth is imminent.
It's only a few months now.
I'm getting very, very scared about childbirth, I really am.
I'm mostly scared about childbirth because my husband has a massive head.
No, seriously, it's enormous.
When we take photos together, I have to lean forward To create some kind of sense of perspective between us.
Otherwise it looks like I'm taking a selfie with a man on a billboard.
Terrifying.
I've got obsessed with birth, I've started going on to Mumsnet forums about birth injury.
SHE GASPS Holy God, the stuff on there! It's all like, "This has ripped, that has teared.
" There's loads of stuff under the umbrella term of "minjury".
Oh, God, the worst one I read, this poor woman said what she had left downstairs was essentially a uni-hole.
I thought, "That's enough.
" Reading it like, I don't want a uni-hole.
I like the different holes.
Honestly, reading the stuff on there, it makes reading a Stephen King novel look like The Hungry Caterpillar.
I get so angry about birth.
I'm like, why haven't we evolved to do this better by now? One thing I've read, so the reason it's so bad is because babies' heads have got bigger, because we've got more intelligent.
But lady bits have not grown at an equal rate, that's the problem.
I'm like right, "Well, the issue there then is the evolution "to be more intelligent, isn't it? "Let's devolve that right now.
How do we do that? "Stop funding education.
" LAUGHTER The Tories are ahead of the game on this one, guys.
No woman deserves to get a uni-hole so some kid can get a 2:2 in Leisure Management from uni! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Not on my watch.
But my friends, you seem absolutely lovely.
Are you ready for your first act of the evening? CHEERING You are going to absolutely love this guy, I've worked with him for years.
It's a pleasure to be sharing the stage with him tonight.
Make him feel very welcome, the sensational Tez Ilyas! MUSIC: Brimful of Asha by Cornershop LOUD APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Good evening, Apollo, how are you? CHEERING Ah, thank you so much for coming out, this is amazing.
Biggest gig of my life, I'm very excited.
I just want to point out one thing before I start properly, just so you are aware, confession, I am openly Asian, thank you.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
British Asian, love being British, love being Asian.
It's not very popular to say that in 2018, is it? I love being British.
But I do, I love it.
And, also, like of all the Asians, I think being British Asian is the best one.
I haven't tried any of the others, but it can't be better than this, right? It is amazing.
Do you know why? Because there are so many benefits to being British.
LAUGHTER Obviously, I call them reparations.
LAUGHTER I'm Muslim as well, I am Muslim, so I've got all of that going on.
LAUGHTER If you don't know that much about Muslims, you will recognise us from that hit TV show, the news.
LOUD LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Because we've been on that show a lot, this series, haven't we? We've got recurring characters, it's on at prime time, like, I'm not one to normally brag on that, but my people, we've smashed that show.
We absolutely annihilated it.
Plus one, HD, all of that.
I've not been invited on to that show just yet But I feel like a couple more inches on this beard and those offers are going to come flooding right in.
To be honest, I just want more TV work, so bring it on.
A lot of people, they think being Muslim is all animal cruelty, oppressing women and claiming benefits.
That's what they think the whole Muslim experience is.
And what those people haven't realised is, genuinely, there are downsides as well.
LOUD LAUGHTER It's not all summer camps and Nando's up here, you know? Have you tried looking after four wives in this economy? Not when Brexit means Brexit.
I don't even know what that means.
There are people out there I mean, I jest, .
.
but there are genuinely groups of people out there who hate Muslims and Islam.
The main reason they say they don't like us, the big one, we don't integrate, that's their main beef with us.
Muslims don't integrate, and they've got this conspiracy that we are trying to take over the country with our Sharia law.
That's the big conspiracy - we don't integrate and we are trying to take over with Sharia law.
Now, most people I know are Muslim, just by the way I grew up.
And I can't think of a single person that I know, a Muslim person, that wants to take over anywhere with Sharia law.
If you don't know it, the Sharia is the moral and philosophical code by which Muslims live their lives.
It's not about imposing anything on anyone who doesn't believe in it.
For example, just because you're vegan, doesn't mean you want everyone else to be LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING AND CHEERING That was a really bad example, I'll think of a better one tomorrow, all right? I think the thing that annoys me the most is, given how much we are in the news, how much coverage we have been getting is how much people still don't actually know that much about us.
Even good friends of mine.
A few months ago, I was catching up with a good friend of mine called Jonathan.
We were in quite a nice restaurant, we're having a nice time, there's a table next to us celebrating a birthday.
They mind their own business, Jonathan and I minding our own business, everyone was having a great time.
Halfway through my meal, the balloon closest to me from the birthday table, it burst.
And I just shouted out, in my excitement, "Jesus Christ"! Jonathan lost his mind.
"Oh! Jesus Christ, is it?!" HE IMITATES LAUGHTER "Where's your Allah and Muhammad now, mate?" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE "Jonathan, what have you won?" He went, "Nah, mate, just you bang on about being Muslim, yeah.
"But in that moment, when you got scared "You didn't think of Allah, you didn't think of Muhammad, "your mind went straight to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
"What does that say about you? Shit Muslim.
Ahhh!" "All right, Jonathan, "I can clearly see this is the best day of your life.
"Three things.
Thing number one, you should be aware of this, "but if you're not, let me tell you.
"For Muslims, Jesus, that's our vice-captain.
"Secondly, me invoking Jesus Christ in a moment of panic, "it is just me invoking the British cultural saying.
"If anything, it shows how well integrated I am, "thank you very much.
" LAUGHTER "And thirdly, most importantly Jonathan, if at that moment "there was a loud bang, I shouted in Arabic, "you'd have shit yourselves!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERING "If that balloon burst, I went "Allahu Akbar," "you'd have been under the table!" "Eat your bloody dessert, lad.
" This has been lovely, I'm going to leave you on this final thought.
Guys, so I was talking before about how there's people out there who don't like us and they say we don't integrate and we try to take over, they wish we would go back to Muslamistan.
Here's the thing.
I studied British history.
I've read four Wikipedia pages.
I'm a comedian.
My job is to observe the world.
Now, as far as I can tell, going to another country, not learning the language, sticking to your own religion, forcing your customs on others and making no effort to integrate is actually the most British thing you can do.
LOUD LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I've been Tez Ilyas, goodnight, Allah bless, thank you.
LOUD LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING How good was that? Mr Tez Ilyas! APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Are you ready for another fantastic comedian? CHEERING That's bloody handy.
Please make him feel very welcome, one of the most exciting comics on the UK circuit at the moment, it's the brilliant Fin Taylor! POP MUSIC PLAYS Hello! CHEERING Nice to be here, my name is Fin.
If you've never seen my comedy before, it's always described by broadsheet journalists as being very provocative.
That's what they say, "He's very provocative, blah blah blah.
" And I think what they really mean by that is that my material is offensive, but I am privately educated.
So My intentions must be good.
No, I just have opinions nowadays.
It's a weird time to have opinions, isn't it? People don't let you have some opinions.
Like I remember a few weeks ago on Twitter, I just said the opinion that I think you should let trans-women use whatever toilet they want.
Oh, I regret that.
Good Lord.
People came after me.
There's this huge war in feminism, right? As to whether trans-women are women.
And from my point of view, they clearly are, you know, I don't know if you've heard these trans-women, but good grief, they go on a bit.
Chew your ear off.
Very naggy.
And so Now, you have this weird coalition of liberal feminists and quite right-wing Christians united, finally .
.
over the decision to stop people pissing in bathrooms.
It's like, just let people piss where they want.
For Christ's sake, because we all do it, don't we? I mean, I frequently identify as disabled.
Whatever toilet's nearest, frankly.
They're called trans-exclusionary feminists, right, and what they seem to think is if you let the trans-women into the bathrooms, then men in ill-fitting wigs will seize the opportunity to sneak into the toilets and sexually attack the women.
Now, I've never sexually attacked a woman.
I don't think I would.
I mean, I say that now, I can't predict the future, you know You only have morals when you don't need them.
Anyway No, it's an impulse thing.
I imagine you walk past a women's bathroom and you go, "Oh, I bet there's a woman in there, ohh.
" You sort of run in.
Butbeing transgender, that's like two years of mainly admin, isn't it? I mean, you've got to get an appointment, which is months under this government, then consultations, referrals, drug treatment, hormones, surgery, if you go that far.
Then you've got to get your passport changed.
Do you really think you can sustain that level of arousal for two years? If I'm trying to maintain an erection, one of the last things I will do is enter into a correspondence with the DVLA.
You really For two years, signing all the forms I don't know, I believe these people, I think they just want to piss.
At the end of the day, let's be honest, these fellas, they're taking a pay cut LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Trans-women using women's bathrooms, that's the issue.
You never hear about trans-men using men's bathrooms.
Because men's bathrooms, it's not a place that women are trying to sneak into, is it? Very different.
Women's bathrooms are slightly more exotic, because you go in there in pairs to sort of gossip and do your make-up and stuff.
But men, men use public men's rooms for shits they can't do near their family.
Maybe twice a year, a man does a shit so bad he can't look his daughter in the eye afterwards, you know? "Daddy, you're my hero!" "No, you have no idea what I'm capable of.
" "Go to your room, go to your room.
" Washing our hands like Lady Macbeth in there some nights like, "I can'tit won't come out, I can't get clean" I think every second male cubicle should have a Catholic priest in it so you could properly pur It's more of a soul thing, isn't it, sometimes, fellas? "Father, I have sinned.
" "Yeah, clearly, good grief.
"Guinness, was it?" They should try it in service stations, because I don't know if you know, but in the walls in between, they have these holes.
Now I think you should let trans-women piss where they want.
But it's weird, the trans-rights things, it doesn't just divide the mainstream, it divides the LGBT community itself.
This year, I went to Gay Pride in London and there was a protest by some lesbians.
Some lesbians were angry.
They were anti-trans lesbian protesters.
It was quite a lot to take in, right? And a lot of what they said, I think you would call trans-phobic.
They kept going on about the toilet thing, which I do think is just fear-mongering.
However, there was this one thing, and I was like, "I don't think that's trans-phobic, I think that's cos they're lesbian.
" Basically, some people were like, "Hey! You lesbians are trans-phobic, "because you won't sleep with some trans-women.
" I'm like, "Well, yeah, they're lesbian" Every trans-woman's different, right? Some have gone the whole way, some haven't and some might have something that lesbians aren't looking Otherwise, you're basically saying, "Hey, you call yourself a lesbian, "why won't you suck that woman's cock?!" "Because I don't like them, I'm a lesbian, "am I allowed to say that?" I'm a straight guy, I don't know what I'd do with a woman's cock, I'd have to see how I felt in the moment, you know? LAUGHTER I'd shag a man in the pussy, 100%, 100%.
Are you kidding me?! That's the dream, if anything.
Test match special on, yes, please.
People get so angry though, man.
I always used to say the LGBT community and then someone threw a bottle at me for not saying LGBTQIA+.
And it's like, "Mate, I'm on your team, "I just didn't know, like I didn't miss you out deliberately.
"Give people some credit.
"You've named your community after a bloody Welsh village.
LAUGHTER "I'm not going to get everything right first time.
" Also, does anyone know what the A stands for in LGBTQIA? The A? Anyone? Asexual, yeah.
Now that baffles me somewhat.
Like, I don't understand why those people would want to be part of the same group, because that means at Gay Pride, you've got people who are like, "I'm not ashamed, I'm proud, "I'm a man and I love men.
" "I'm a woman, I have sex with women.
" And then you've got these people at the back who are like, "I want no part of this filth!" Likeholding up a blank placard like "Nothing, we want nothing!" You're like, over there, that's a different march, innit? Surely? The problem with some sexist stereotypes though is that they were obviously used in the past to kind of make life harder for women.
But now, some people think maybe life is harder for men, because of the whole Me Too movement.
I don't know about that, but what I do know is that no man could deal with the Me Too hashtag.
Like not even the really woke, liberal good guys.
Like I've got a friend who is a really good guy, you know, like "Ohh" Like one of them.
And he He's always vlogging about why we can't eat prawns or some nonsense.
And he's like, "Oh, this harassment stuff's terrible, isn't it? "This harassment stuff.
Makes you want to castrate yourself.
" "What?" That's what he said.
"Every man should just castrate himself!" It's, like, come on mate, that's such a male response, isn't it? Cos women still want to have sex, they just don't want to be harassed, right? So if women are like, "Hey, could you stop harassing us?" And men go, "Oh, right, I see, well, I guess "I don't need this any more, chop.
" Surely women are like, "No, I still want to have sex, just more on my terms.
" And we're like, "No, no, those are your options.
" Either we can harass you or it's nothing, the species ends.
Pick a team, Karen, huh? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thanks so much for listening, my name's Fin Taylor, have a lovely rest of your evening.
Thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fin Taylor, ladies and gentlemen! Give it up for all the acts you've seen tonight.
You've seen Tez Ilyas CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've seen Fin Taylor I've been Ellie Taylor, thank you so much, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE