Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e02 Episode Script

How do.
I'm Keith Lemon and these are me sweet-arse titles.
There's Holly Willoboozy coming out of a giant clam.
Check out those bangers, boys.
Gino D'Acampo is covering for Fearne while she's having a baby.
How is that possible? We're here in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly? You know what! It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
It's ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Hurrah! I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to the weekend.
It's Thursday, so it is where the weekend starts.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi! Who's on your team, Holly? On my right, I have the luck of the Irish.
It's the gorgeous Louis Walsh.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And to my left, she's back, she is so beautiful, it's Kelly Brook! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) She's back! I'm back! Good to be back.
Did you miss me? I have missed you, Kelly.
Recently, in the paper, it said I'd slurred you.
I said your relationships were fake to boost your career, but they're not fake, cos when you went out with me, that was real.
(LAUGHTER) It happened maybe in a dream in your little mind.
That is not what happens in a dream.
Keeping it clean for telly.
In the dream, you did a shit on the back of me neck.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Let's meet our next team captain.
It's none other than Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, who is on your team? On my left, I have a very funny man, with a funny laugher.
(LAUGHTER) Could it be Sorry? It's funny laugh.
"A funny laugh-a!" "Funny laugh" would be how you pronounce it.
You've been here 25 years.
Take an interest.
(LAUGHTER) It's Jimmy Carr! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's listen to the next one.
On my right, I got a star of Coronation Street, it's Hayley Tomadon! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Almost right.
First of all, let's get your name out of the way.
Tam AD-DON.
Tom-A-Don? Tamaddon.
Tamaddon? What did they call you at school, what names? Hayley Psoriasis Tampon.
Psoriasis Tampon?! Because my middle name is Soraya - (SPLUTTERS) Why is that even funny? I can't believe you're laughing.
I was named after the first Princess of Persia.
I might be from Blackpool, but I got a bit of class.
(LAUGHTER) Hayley, you are on Corrie.
What is your character's name? Andrea.
And what's going on with her? Andrea is pregnant.
Do you have to wear a fake belly? Not yet, not yet.
My belly is actually big enough.
Behave! Listen, I've just had a curry back there followed by vodka and coke Was that your chuff I smelled as I walked in? Next Wednesday is a live Corrie.
Yes, I've never done live before.
We did a read through last night and it was absolutely brilliant.
Can you give us an exclusive? Well, I leave.
That's the end? You're not doing Corrie? That's it.
Me and Craig Charles.
Is that true? We both leave during the live episode.
Did you just fuck up and that's our exclusive? I was allowed to tell you.
So when are you on Casualty? (LAUGHTER) I like Casualty, I'll be in that.
Have you got something lined up? I'm going to go to LA.
To seek fame and fortune? Well, that's what we all do, us British actors.
Kelly, can you give her any tips? You've done America loads of times.
Yeah, but I always get sent back.
(LAUGHTER) Hey, it's Kelly Brook! (APPLAUSE) You did a sitcom in America that was produced by Ellen.
Ellen Degeneres, yes.
She invented lesbians.
(LAUGHTER) What was that like, meeting Ellen? It was scary.
Is it true when you met her, you were naked? Yes! Did you say you weren't sure whether to shake her hand or hug her, but you were naked.
No, I just screamed.
She went "ALL RIGHT THERE! HOW YOU DOING?!" (LAUGHTER) I was mortified.
"Doing the fucking job or what, you mug?" You're on Instagram, very active on Instagram? Yes, I love Instagram.
We have got a picture from it.
Which one of the Mitchell brothers is that one there? Look at Gino's face! (LAUGHTER) Do you know what Gino said? "I like to play with the boob and smack it in the face.
" I would pull you on me, lift them up, and just let it go and then BLOOP! (LAUGHTER) No, you've not - I do not think you have thought it through.
If you do that, look at her, you'll die.
I think you could break your spine doing that with Kelly.
If that's the way I'm gonna go, fuck it.
I want to know what Louis's gonna do with all those seats.
I don't know.
He doesn't know! Why would HE know? Louis Walsh, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Louis, what's this new exciting project you've got? I have a new boy band.
Irish, six boys.
We have got a picture of them, there they are.
They are called Hometown.
Are they better than Westlife? They are different.
Good? They're very, very talented.
Very different.
Good answer.
Are they better than Boyzone? Yes.
We know that you're not doing The X Factor any more.
I did it for 11 years and they just didn't hire me this year.
Did he tell you himself? Yes, he told me.
He called you.
/fo He called me when he fired me, too.
Oh, shit, yes! You've both been fired.
Kelly, how long were you on the show? I was there for three days.
Three days? Three days.
Is that a record for you? It is, actually.
Nothing happened between you and Simon?/fo Obviously not, otherwise I'd still be there.
It's time for a VT round.
Hayley, what does VT stand for? Video tape.
Video tape.
Run it.
Check this.
On my last holiday I got stuck on an island with my Benjamin Button celebrity mates.
Luckily, we got saved by Antony Costa who gave the celebrities a magic potion to make them big again.
You'll never guess - I went on holiday again and took more celebrity mates on my private jet and we went through a Bermuda triangle vortex in the sky which Benjamin Buttoned the celebrities again.
Luckily for me, I was having a shit again in a lead-lined toilet and again I was OK.
Then we made an emergency landing on the exact same island as before.
What gives? This is: Hi.
I've learnt to control the heat in my body.
That's why I can withstand sitting on a rock on a pond of lava to play a game of "Does Bono?" That's right, I'm with none other than rock legend Bono.
# U2 - Vertigo # We're floating on lava to play.
It is a quiz and all you have to do is tell me how many questions Bono got correct.
Does Bono Know? Does Bon Know? You see what I'm saying? But first, let's get to know him so you can gauge his intellect.
Bono, it's a privilege to meet you here on these floating rocks.
How are you? Fine.
Good.
What are your political views these days? I've got a chainsaw.
You got a chainsaw? Yes.
He's got a chainsaw.
Did you borrow that off Eminem? No, I stole it from the shop.
You stole it from the shop? Ye Well, we've met Bono, but how many questions will he get correct in this game called Does Bon Know? Back to you in t'studio.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, I asked Bono six questions.
You have to tell me the number of questions you think he got correct.
These were the questions.
Holly, you've written them down? Yes, we've written ours.
What number? Well, we were inspired by Kelly.
We chose (LAUGHTER) Have you seen? Great minds! They look more like that than that! We shot you from a different angle.
You both say three.
Let's see how many you got right.
Wow, it's hot.
Anyway, here I am with Bono.
We're going to ask the questions.
Are you all right? Hi-YAH! I'm imagining that you are too hot with your hat on so you threw it off in this lava? Yes, I did.
Yeah, it's too hot.
OK, here are the questions, Bono.
The first one Be careful, don't put your feet in the lava.
What is the capital of France? Francees.
Francees? What is the sequel to Gremlins called? Chickens.
No.
Who is the Prime Minister? David Cameron.
(PING) What language do they speak in Spain? Kwa-da-ya, kwar-da.
Kwa-da-ya, kwar-da.
What colour are blueberries? Blue.
Pardon? Blue.
Badoo?/fo Yeah, cos badoo's not a colour, is it? That's me being daft.
What is the last letter in the alphabet? Z.
(PING) Well done, Bono.
You did really well.
I guess we just shout for help.
Back to you in the studio.
HELP! HELP! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Both teams get the point.
Scores at the end of that round are: sha-ting! It's an ad break now.
I'm going for a piss.
See you in a bit.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break: So you think you can fucking gargle, do ya? Oh, my God.
Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Last week when we played our new game Helicopter Head a lot of people on Twitter said they wanted it back.
They enjoyed seeing Jonathan Ross with a stocking on his head and a tangerine in the end.
So we're playing Helicopter Head! Helicopter Head! (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Helicopter Head.
I'm here with Kelly Brook.
How do you feel? Yeah, like, strange.
Kelly, if you just open your mouth and sort of go you look like a blowup doll I used to own.
(LAUGHTER) Right, what you got to do is knock off the items on the plinths.
There are items related to you.
OK.
We've got the milk trucks, we've got the puppies, the baps, the melons, the rack, we've got the bangers, the hooters and the pairs.
You'll get a point for each one you knock off, but you'll get two points if you knock off the Mitchell brothers.
Not only will you get two points, you get tonight's star prize.
Which is? A Fiat Panda car! AUDIENCE: Ooh! You've got an allotted time to knock off as many as you can.
Can you do it? Yes.
Go on the klaxon.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Helicopter Head.
Look at that! She's going! They're still on the plinth.
I need to get momentum! Go for the bangers! Oh, she's got the baps! She's gone for the puppies! This is hard! She's going for the Mitchell brothers! She's changed her mind! Pull it down! (LAUGHTER) The jugs, Kelly, the jugs! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is so hard! Look at the st Look at what I'm working with here! Look at what I'm working with.
Look at her sex hair.
Phwoar! So, let's see what you knocked off.
You got the puppies, you got the bangers.
The baps.
The baps are there.
One's knocked off.
What's that? Oh, come on! Look - No, the baps don't count.
I needed an orange.
I was given a tangerine! What about the jugs? Half a point for the jug.
So, that's 2 1/2, and it's hard.
Say it again.
(LAUGHTER) How was it? Difficult.
It was difficult.
Kelly Brook, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Who's next to play? Holly Willoughby! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here we are for Helicopter Head.
We have got Holly Willoboozy! Holly, you see how this is done.
Have you practised this at home? I have better things to do than stick a pair of tights on my head.
Well, just open your mouth.
Jimmy, what about that? Surely a sex toy? I had that, but it got a puncture.
(LAUGHTER) Overuse, I'm afraid.
As you can see, we have got items on the plinths related to you.
You knock them off - a point for your team.
There is a photograph of Phillip Schofield.
Aw! Breast pump cos you had a baby quite recently, didn't you? Almost a year ago now.
A year ago? Are you still raw? (LAUGHTER) I'm fine, thank you.
Good, good, good.
I don't know what it's like downstairs, so we got pad things, if you piss yourself.
There are also nappies, a bra, a Jackson Five wig over there symbolising your massive bush.
OK.
We've got a fox up there for two points, and if you get that you'll also get tonight's star prize, which is a Fiat Panda! AUDIENCE: Ooh (!) Are you ready? Yes.
On the klaxon.
Three, two, one (KLAXON) There she goes! She got Phillip Schofield.
Aim high, Holly.
(CHEERING) Try not to use your hands.
It's Helicopter Head, not Hands.
The shoe, the shoe.
Don't use your hands, use your head.
It's Helicopter Head, not Hands.
All right, shut up! (CHEERING) She's going for the bush! Come on.
Shut up.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Don't use your hands.
I need to start it off, dickhead! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, he's the dickhead, Holly, you tell him.
You look great.
(CHEERING) She's going for the fox.
(APPLAUSE) Is it close? (CHEERING) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) I can't get it off.
It is tied round my neck, I can't lift it up! Holly goes home with nine points and a Fiat Panda.
Holly Willoboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Skills, skills.
And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (APPLAUSE) Louis, are you having a good time? Yes, fantastic.
Have you ever done that with Simon Cowell? Put a stocking on his head and smashed it out? No, I would love to do it.
Have you ever put anything in Simon's mouth? No! Is it not true that Simon has asked you back? Umnot yet.
Would you go back? It depends.
He has to get rid of somebody then.
Is it true you'll do Judges' Houses? I don't think so, they haven't talked to me yet.
Are you free over the next month? I could be free.
(LAUGHTER) OK, it is now time to play (GARGLE NOISE) Hi, welcome to the So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle arena.
I am here with Louis Walsh.
How are you feeling? I am nervous.
(LAUGHTER) The X Factor is a popular format sold around the world.
I have done a few formats that have been sold around the world.
I did What The Fuck Are My Hands?! Sold in Trinidad.
(JIMMY CARR LAUGHS) Jimmy, I did! I came up with the format What is Hitting Me in the Back? Any other formats? This is my new format - You Think You Can Fucking Gargle.
Do you know how to gargle? No! You just put it in your mouth like Chewbacca (IMITATES CHEWBACCA).
As you can see here there are some products numbered one, two or three.
They symbolise the amount of points you will get for gargling these products.
I want you to choose a product.
Are you playing for one point, two points, or three points? Or you could double it for the mystery box? AUDIENCE: Ooh! What are you going for? The yoghurt for one point.
For one point.
OK, I'm going to knock you back.
Ready? No.
You have got to gargle it for one point for your team.
Here we go, here we go.
Open your mouth.
Are you ready? We will put the white liquid in your mouth.
(LAUGHTER) Right.
For a point for your team, Louis, gargle.
(GARGLES) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) One point for the yoghurt, Louis Walsh! Next up is Hayley Tamaddon! So, can you gargle? Well, you know, with mouthwash.
With mouth froth wash? Is there anything else you can gargle with? No.
Let's see what we have got for number two.
You have got creamy rice pudding, spaghetti hoops and custard.
For three points you could have mayonnaise, mushy peas or chocolate mousse.
Go on, Hayley, go for it.
You're not sat in this bloody chair! (LAUGHTER) You need a point to win.
Just shove it in your mouth and gargle.
font color="#f We have made a bet with Gino.
If he wins more Celebrity Juices than Holly, he gets to host the first episode of next series.
If he loses, he shaves his hair off.
I'm going for three points.
She's going for three points! She's going for the chocolate mousse.
Let me have a look.
Is it really mousse? What you think it is, dog shit? All right.
Spoon it in nicely.
I will, don't you worry.
This is like your audition for One Girl, One Cup.
(LAUGHTER) No, hang on, nicely.
Open your mouth.
One more, one more.
So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle? Gargle.
(GARGLES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hayley Tamaddon! Who's next to play So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle? I'm here with Holly Willoboozy.
What do you think you're playing for? I am thinking more the red jelly side of the spectrum.
What about spaghetti hoops? All right, I'll do spaghetti hoops.
For two points, she has gone for spaghetti hoops.
Can I say something? One spoon, only a little bit.
Straight in, not round the edge.
It's the law - it's two.
We are going in, open your mouth.
Two spoons.
It's the law.
So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle? Gargle! (GARGLES) Oh, it's really, um It's really thick! I thought you did well but we need to go to a stewards' enquiry.
Are you mental? Replay Holly, I can tell you This might be my last appearance here if I don't get a point.
I can tell you that they are saying it was the noise of a gargle, but it wasn't a gargle, no points! No way, no way! No, can I say (ALL GROAN) No way! Up next is Jimmy Carr! Jimmy, Holly could not manage the spaghetti hoops.
Could you take on the spaghetti hoops? It is amateur stuff.
Spaghetti hoops, no problem.
Lay back.
Remember, we have to see bubbles.
Here we go.
Channel Michael Jackson, we wanna see bubbles.
(LAUGHTER) (RETCHES) (LAUGHTER) Turns out I don't have the gag reflex I thought I had.
We're going to see an action replay.
I think that looked fine.
See where you went wrong.
Did it go wrong? That is pretty funny.
Gino, you don't want your hair shaved at the end of the series? No.
I will give you an opportunity to win 10 points.
All you have to do is gargle the contents of this bucket.
(AUDIENCE CHANT) Gino, Gino, Gino! I think it's doable.
Can I get 20 points if I gargle that with the mystery box as well? Yes.
Here we are, Gino.
You think you can gargle two spoonfuls of the contents of this.
(ALL GROAN) There you are.
This has been in the mouth of Jimmy, Hayley, Holly and Louis.
This is for 10 points.
You requested 20 points for the secret box, the mystery box.
Let's open the mystery box.
It's Fearne Cotton's placenta! (LAUGHTER AND GROANS) Tuna.
Tuna is all right.
In oil or brine? I don't like the one in brine.
(IMITATES GINO) Or-a brine? Eet ees brrine! That will be OK.
That is OK.
I'll just put some of the tuna in there.
Oh, God.
(AUDIENCE SHOUTS FOR GINO) Gino has his teammates with him for support.
So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle? Remember this is two.
You Think You Can Fucking Gargle? Gargle! (GARGLES) (RETCHES) (GARGLES) Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino, you nailed that.
Let's have an action replay.
We need to check you were actually gargling.
Gino, I can tell you you've just won 20 points! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino d'Acampo! Well done, d'Acampo.
We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you after that intermission.
Coming up after t'break: (LAUGH BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Hurrah! OK, it's all to play for now.
Final round is the Body Part Buzzer round.
All the questions relate to a celebrity's body part.
You have to answer by pressing the buzzer with that PACIFIC body part.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? '(IRISH ACCENT) Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, to be sure.
' Thanks for recording that earlier, Louis, well done.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? (JIMMY'S SQUEAKING LAUGH) (LAUGHTER) I think if I'm not mistaken, that's a seal getting finger blasted.
Which is the sound of you laughing.
(IMITATES JIMMY'S LAUGH) Obviously.
OK, use your body part to buzz in.
Here is the first question.
What part of her body did Taylor Swift recently insure for 26.
5 million? Legs.
Get your leg up.
(LAUGH BUZZER) Her legs.
That's correct.
Very good.
At her Las Vegas show, what did Britney Spears tell the crowd men could go suck? Oh! Is it her dick? Go for it, Gino.
(LAUGH BUZZER) Oh, it's right on there.
Dick? That's incorrect.
(LAUGH BUZZER) Ears? Suck my ear.
"Hey, you, go suck my ear!" OH! Jesus, fucking hell! (LAUGHING BUZZER) Toes! Suck my toe.
That's correct.
We've got a clip, here it is.
All men should suck my fucking toe.
Girls! "He can go suck my fuckin' toe.
" If Kiss frontman Gene Simmons bopped out his famous seven-incher - 'Make sure it's knees and toes!' .
.
what are we looking at? (IRISH VOICE BUZZER) Tongue.
That's correct.
What did Katie Price have reduced in Belgium last year? (LAUGH BUZZER) Gino's team.
She had a breast reduction, although I must say she looked brilliant with two.
(LAUGHTER) That's correct.
What part of Kylie Jenner did she finally admit to having had surgical enhancements? Oh, her lips! (IRISH BUZZER) (LAUGH BUZZER) Her lips, say lips.
(LAUGH BUZZER) We're saying lips.
(LAUGH BUZZER) Hayley can't answer.
Gino's team, it is lips, but they are the wrong lips.
Holly's team? The mouth lips, that's correct.
What body part did Kim Kardashian x-ray to prove it was all her own? Bum, bum! (LAUGH BUZZER) Gino's team.
(LAUGH BUZZER) Sorry, we're not We're not answering.
(LAUGH BUZZER) I think it's stuck.
(LAUGH BUZZER) (LAUGHS) Arse! That's correct.
(KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
That's the end of the buzzer round.
I can tell you that the winner this week of Celebrity Juice is Well, I can tell you Gino WAS in the lead but apparently his gargling round was disqualified.
No it wasn't! (ALL GROAN) I'm joking.
It's Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ALL: Gino, Gino! We did it! Now, next week it's our ultimate Throwback Thursday.
It's seven years since our first Celebrity Juice, so we're asking you on Twitter to tweet us and tell us what games you want us to play from all the series.
Shouting One Out.
In Your Face.
Supercomputer.
Don't Be A Dingbat.
Tweet us.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the motherfuckin' window, cha'moan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # THE WEEKEND: Can't Feel My Face