The Simpsons s14e02 Episode Script

The Simpsons How I Spent My Strummer Vacation D'oh! Ah! - Hi, Moe.
Got any beer? - Sure.
Check in the fridge.
Wait a minute, I'm at work.
You gotta pay for it.
What the? Where's my money? Dear Homie, had to buy diapers for Maggie.
Love, Marge.
- Wha? - Simpson.
Oh.
Dear Dad, took money for the book fair.
Homer, I need cash or they're gonna break my legs.
Sorry, Homer.
- So you're gonna let me walk out sober? - I'm afraid so.
- And you can live with that? - Ya-huh.
Fine.
There are plenty other ways for me to alter my consciousness.
Oh, yeah.
Are you gonna buy those toads or just lick them? Lick them.
Go away.
Ah.
Thanks for the donation, Mr.
Simpson.
Do you feel okay? Jewish? Oh, no, I'm not Jewish.
Wait till Moe sees how wasted I got without him.
He's gonna plotz.
You wouldn't serve Homer because he didn't have money? What happened to you, Moe? You used to be about the booze.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I got caught up in all the glitz and glamour.
- Well, Moe.
- Homer, I'm so sorry.
Have a free beer.
Oh.
Uh, I don't care about the color of your skin, Lenny.
You're my friend.
Man, I've never seen anybody get loaded so fast.
Can you say the alphabet backwards? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You - Hey, I'm worried.
- I've had just about enough of you.
- Oh, yeah? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, rats.
- I'm out of here.
We can't let our friend drive like this.
I'm liable here.
- Uh? - Get his keys.
Hey, you want my keys? Get them now, jerks.
So long, jerks.
Running after the car, huh? Let's see if you can follow this.
Good morning, everybody.
What's for breakfast, cutie? Homie, it's 5 p.
m.
We're having dinner.
What? Wait a That can't be right.
Wait.
Was last night the night we set the clocks ahead eight hours? You got loaded at Moe's and the car had to be towed home.
If I was that drunk, I would remember it.
It's true.
I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning.
I had to tell Mr.
Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Oh, couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie? But you did have violent diarrhea.
Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.
Remember how you got home last night, Dad? Of course.
It was, uh, some kind of a light rail.
There's no light rail in Springfield.
Oh, won't anyone pretend to believe me? - I will, Dad.
- That's why you're my favorite.
All right, time for my favorite show.
Monkey Trauma Center will not be seen tonight Oh.
so we may present this cheaper show.
Taxicab Conversations.
Hey, I read about this show in Teen Modern Maturity.
They film passengers with cameras and catch them at their most uninhibited.
That explains that.
Looks like somebody got down tonight.
Disco Stu always gets down, baby.
Because when the beat is hot, the - Hey, can you keep a secret? - What is it, hon? I hate disco.
It's all I've talked about for so long, people think I'm a one-note guy.
It's just getting harder, you know.
I had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.
- How you doing? - Talky thing, ain't you? Another proud moment for the Simpsons.
I don't remember anybody telling me I was gonna be on TV.
- So, what do you do for a living? - Oh, you know, I'm a guy at a place.
How'd you get such a crappy job? You a convict or a junkie? - Little of both.
You got a family? - Oh, yeah.
Wife and two or three kids.
Can't imagine my life without them.
Oh, you big fooler.
Pretending not to remember so you could surprise us.
Yeah, I'm pretty great.
At the end of a hard day there's no better feeling than coming home to the people that you love.
- Oh, Homie.
- That is so sweet.
I had no idea, Dad.
I just assumed with all the stranglings, you know That my family isn't the center of my universe? Are you nuts? Then there's those other days where you just wish you never got married or had kids.
One minute, you're a carefree teenager with dreams of being a rock star, or a photographer for Playboy then, bam, some babe gets her claws in you Huh? and, boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love.
So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job where they don't let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women.
And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat and kiss your dreams goodbye.
Oh, I can't believe they took Monkey Trauma Center off for this.
Lousy family.
So I'm just some babe who sank her claws into you.
- A hot babe.
- Oh! Have you always resented us, Dad? Oh, I don't resent you, sweetheart.
What I was trying to say, and maybe I didn't use the right words was that marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
- But as coffins go - Please don't say anymore.
Sorry we ruined your life, Homer.
Hmph! Oh, what have I done? - Get in.
- What? Get in.
Hey, what's this suitcase for? - Are we going on a trip? - You are.
Where are you taking me? A place where you'll never be bothered by your family again.
Oh.
Get out of the car, Homer.
You can't just leave me out here.
There's not another woman for miles.
Sorry, Dad.
Maybe now you'll appreciate us.
While you're spending the week at Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp.
The Rolling Stones' Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp.
But I thought you guys were mad at me.
For once in my life, I'm confused.
We had a family meeting and decided that even though what you said about us was incredibly thoughtless and hurtful, you had a point.
- Damn straight.
- You work a job you don't like so I'm able to be home with the kids.
And you take me places you hate like museums, plays and the Olive Garden.
And even though you knew I ratted you out to the IRS - you never busted me.
- You what? So to say thank you for all your sacrifices we spent our family vacation fund on something that's just for you.
- Do you like it? - You guys are the best.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you Ugh, oh.
I'm okay.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Hey, what gives? Where are all the rock stars? I don't know, but it's starting to get dark.
Huh, what was that? Oh, it's getting closer.
- Hello, campers.
- How you doing? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.
Welcome to Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp where you'll experience the complete rock 'n' roll lifestyle without the lawsuits and STDs.
- Whoa! STDs! - Now, you're all here for one reason - To rock! - Who said that? That's right, Otto.
We're here to rock! So get a good night's sleep.
And remember rule number one, there are no rules.
Rule number two, no outside food.
Oh, what a gyp.
Hey, Mick, you gonna teach us your cocksure strut? Not today, I got a ton of paperwork to catch up on.
Ah, tell me about it.
At my job, we Oh, you're gone.
Hey! Wake up! Are you ready to receive professional training in rock? - Have you been awake all night? - I am so excited, I couldn't fall asleep.
I even took some pills I found on the floor.
You took pills you found on the floor? Uh-huh, now I'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die.
Isn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all like, "I'm a rock star.
Aren't I great?" But he's just like you or me or Jesus over there.
- Can I have a guitar? - Can I have a guitar? People, if everyone's gonna pick guitar, I'm not gonna have enough.
- Oh, come on.
- There's lots of other fun instruments like bass.
Come on, who'd like to be a bass player? Out of my way, nerdlinger.
- My image.
- Get me the Strat.
Hand me the Strat.
I'm telling Mr.
Jagger.
Ooh, "I'm telling Mr.
Jagger.
" The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.
Like this, Mr.
Kravitz? God, no.
May we talk about, uh, accentuating the masculine area? Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing.
Now, I don't do it.
Kenny Loggins does.
I trusted you! I trusted you! Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames.
An ax, a gitbox Well, I guess that's it.
Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals.
Playing a burning guitar with your teeth.
All right, fire.
- Mr.
Seltzer? - Setzer.
No, I think it's Seltzer.
- What is it, Homer? - I came up with a stage move I feel is very cool.
Baby, baby, baby, baby We've gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal.
Sorry, Mick! Simpson! Okay, strut, strut, strut strut, strut, spin, and rooster.
Look, everyone, Homer's got it.
I'm so hot for me I'm so hot for me I'm so cold Okay, now schoolmarm.
I'm the burning fire I'm the bleeding volcano Everybody's naughty and freeze finish.
Ow.
No matter where you are always say it's the wildest town in the whole damn world.
When you said it in Springfield last year, you didn't mean it? Yeah, sure I did.
But only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world.
- Yes, I knew it.
I knew it.
- Springfield! Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting.
When you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt - Boring.
- Will you stop saying that? Rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up.
Girls that have legs and know how to use them.
And why I can't drive 55.
You just want mindless generic rock? Precisely.
See that drunk girl Speeding down the street? Yeah! She's worried about the state Of public schools She likes to party, she likes to rock Yeah! She prays that our schools Don't run out of chalk Getting away from the gig can be a matter of life and death.
So you gotta be in great physical shape.
Okay, follow me.
- Paparazzi to the left.
- I got them.
I'm entitled to a private life.
I'm not a role model and so forth.
Good, Homer.
Now, just past the groupies and we're home.
I love you.
Please sleep with us.
They're bloody cardboard.
We know.
You ain't never caught a rabbit And you ain't no friend of mine - Yeah! - Aah! Well, what do you think? Uh, you rock, Homer.
Really? You really think I'm better than you? That was great, Homie.
- What the hell are you doing here? - Camp is over, Homer.
- It's been a week already? - I'm glad you had fun.
- But it's time to come home.
- Your mother's right, Homer.
- Gotta get back to the real world.
- We've all gotta get home.
My lawn's not gonna mow itself.
And I've gotta put up the storm windows.
Winter's coming.
Wait.
Don't go.
I wanna keep on rocking.
Come on, guys.
A-one, a-two I'll take that.
No! It came with a pick.
Come on, Dad.
No! No! I won't go.
You can't make me! - You knew this day was coming.
- I knew nothing.
Ugh, stop kicking me, Dad.
Never.
My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream.
I was so close to being a rock star but now, there's a chance it might not happen.
I'll just have to settle for being a fat, bald, fat nothing.
Finally.
Can we go now? Now, before I lock the door, do you have to go to the bathroom? No, I'm fine.
Ugh, I'm so despondent.
Cheer up, Homer.
It's only rock 'n' roll camp.
But I like it.
Tell you what, we're doing a benefit gig before we leave.
How would you like to join us on-stage? - For serious? - For serious, Homer.
Can I have 40 guest passes? Woo-hoo! Wow, all access.
All access.
Ooh, good thing it's laminated.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Sir, you can't - All access.
Oh, sorry.
- All access.
- Ooh.
- Nice.
- You rock.
Wow, Homer.
I ain't had front row seats since my Moonie wedding.
After the show, you can come backstage for pizza and pop.
- Yes! - All right! Now, that's a winning combination.
Here you go.
Front and center.
I'm so proud of you, Homie.
It's like you're Kid Rock and I'm Pamela Anderson Lee Rock.
Ooh, gotta run.
Enjoy the show.
Okay, let's see the eyes.
Now the fire.
Thanks, mate.
- Couldn't you find a fuel-efficient Satan? - Don't you have a crotch to stuff? Evening, fellow rockers.
There you are.
Thought we were going to go on without you.
I'm ready.
Just give me a guitar.
How many solos should I do? Four.
I'll do four.
Uh, Homer, you didn't think you were gonna be playing with? My official tour jacket.
Lookit Wait.
You misspelled "guitar hero.
" Look, sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Homer.
We really just need you to tap the mikes and say: - "Test, test.
" - Can't you do it? Oh.
Okay.
So I'll, uh Okay.
- Look, there's Dad! - Woo-hoo! Yay, Homer! I'm his groupie, ha, ha.
Am I saying that right? Groupie? - Yeah! - Yeah, Homer! - You're the man, Homer! - You're the man! You rock the house! Let's go, Homer! It's go time! It's go time! Test.
Test.
Why is he performing the duties of a roadie? Am I saying that right? Roadie? Test, test.
Check, check.
- Hey, he's not rocking out at all.
- Test.
Test.
Test.
You're testing my love for you Check, check You're checking to see if I'm true Test one, test two Test three, test four You test me like the water In El Salvador - Whoa, El Salvador! - What's all this then? He's stealing the show from us.
Not on my shift.
Let's rock 'n' roll.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby Uh-oh.
No! Oh, yeah.
It's good to see the spectacle back in rock.
Did you know it was gonna turn into a riot, Dad? Oh, yeah.
When you've been in as many as I have, you can sense them coming.
- Did they ever find Tom Petty's toe? - What am I, the lost and found? There's no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight, Homer.
We acted like a bunch of angry young men.
Rock 'n' roll is supposed to be about peace and love.
I hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.
What we're trying to say, Homer, is we're sorry.
By the way, I don't suppose any of you have seen my, um? - No.
Sorry.
- Oh.
There's no need for apologies, guys.
You're rock stars.
You're supposed to be reckless and destructive and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail.
That's what I told them, Homer.
Just the same, we'd like to make it up to you.
We're doing a gig tomorrow to benefit the victims of tonight's gig.
We'd consider it an honor if you join us.
Well, you're very sweet, Mick.
But the only rocking I wanna do is in my living-room chair surrounded by the world's greatest backup group, my family.
surrounded by the world's greatest backup group, my family.
There goes the last DJ Are you sure you don't miss hanging out with your rock-star friends, Dad? No, I got something to remember them by.
- Have fun at school, kids.
- Later, Homer.
Mr.
Simpson, this zone is for school buses only.
Rock 'n' roll! Woo-hoo.
Papa says no Make up you mind 'cause I gotta go I'm gonna raise hell at the Union Hall Drive myself right over the wall Rip this joint Gonna save your soul Round and round and round we go Roll this joint Gonna get down low Start my starter Gonna stop the show And I've gotta put up the storm windows.
Winter's coming.
Everybody's naughty and freeze finish.
She likes to party, she likes to rock Yeah! But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass.
I hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.
Rock 'n' roll is supposed to be about peace and love.
- Who said that? - Will you stop saying that? Simpson!