It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s14e03 Episode Script
Dee Day
1 DENNIS: Okay, now put your arms back.
You're like a you're like a rocket ship, okay? Now left.
Now right.
Now left.
Now right.
Now go lower.
- MAC: Oh, come on.
Come - Can you guys go lower? Dennis, is this really necessary? Mac, you have the tendon dexterity of a sow, so yes, it's necessary.
Guys, we're about to embark on the most important 24 hours of our lives here.
Okay, it's important to stay limber and loose.
Uh, yes.
Very good, Charlie.
- Can we just start? - No, we can't just start, okay? Preparation is the key to victory.
- Oh.
- DENNIS: Yes, Charlie.
You're really nailing this today.
I got my eye on you.
Okay.
Now, does everybody know what they're supposed to do? Yes.
Dennis, I know exactly what you told us to do.
I've memorized it.
I know where to be and when to be at all times.
Okay, good.
Yeah.
Needy and desperate for approval, but, uh, good.
Charlie.
- (BLOWS) - Now look at that.
You see that? With one little gesture, he tells me everything I need to know.
That wordless display of confidence earns my confidence.
Don't.
I did it already.
You're so desperate.
- I thought it was cool.
- Okay, now, listen.
Guys, guys.
We have exactly one day to pull this off, so everything needs to be executed to absolute perfection.
And, gentlemen, if we do that, well, the world is our oyster.
Don't say "oyster.
" Say "clam.
" - The world's our clam? - Yeah.
- I like clams better.
- You like clams? Well, - that doesn't sound very good.
- They're both shellfish, - so it's kind of the same, isn't it? - Yeah.
One's disgusting, - and one's delicious.
- Yeah, okay.
- I personally prefer barnacles.
You know what I mean? - MAC: Oh.
- Yeah, there's some meat in there.
- I like abalone.
- DENNIS: Well, okay, guys.
- Abalone's interesting.
- I'm a clam person.
- Seagulls - Oh, mussels.
What about mussels? - DENNIS: All right, guys.
Let's not get into a whole thing.
We're getting derailed, okay? Uh We can spend the whole day talking about which shell creatures we do or don't prefer or enjoy at any given moment.
That's not what we're doing here.
Okay, look, we put in the work.
Right? We're ready.
We've done our dry run.
And if we put our minds to it, nothing, absolutely nothing can stand in our way.
- World is our clam.
- Bring it in, boys.
- DEE: Oh! Uh, Dee is in the house Uh, Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house Uh, Dee is in the house.
- First things first, we got to ditch Dee.
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, let's ditch her.
- DEE: Guys, I am so excited to get started.
Get started on what? Oh, my God.
You forgot.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, that makes it so much better.
Oh, guys.
From noon today until noon tomorrow, it's Dee Day.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- No.
- I completely forgot.
- Oh, shit.
- No, I - No, wait, wait, wait.
I know, I know.
See, we did all your days, and now it's my turn.
So that means, for the next 24 hours, you got to do everything I tell you to do, and you got to listen to me.
And you can't complain, otherwise you're gonna get - one of these.
- (AIR HORN BLARES) - (GROANS) - And I tack another day on.
- Dee, please, please don't do this to us.
- Oh, you better cram your insults in now while you got oh, few more seconds left, guys.
CHARLIE: You (STAMMERS) - Dee's a bird! - (FRANTIC SHOUTING) - Dee Day begins in three - Dee's a bird! You're a bird! - two - You're a bird! (SHOUTS) - I hate you, bird! - You're a stupid! - one.
(CLOCK CHIMING, CUCKOOING) - - As we all know, you guys just love to talk and talk about why men this and why God that and on and on and on and on.
And I-I can't even begin to count the number of pointless monologues I've been forced to sit through.
But not today.
Today, it's you who will be forced to sit and just listen.
And my first topic? My feelings.
- That's fair.
- MAC: Yeah, I'm into it.
- DEE: Thank you.
- I'm excited.
- DEE: Thought you would be.
Now, when I wake up in the morning, I feel sad.
And I feel sad for a very long DENNIS: (GROANS) Today of all days, and now I'm being forced to listen to her feelings? I won't do it.
And who cares about her feelings anyway? Nobody, that's who.
What about my feelings? Now, that's interesting, okay? Plus, the plan.
We can't afford to waste a second, and these pea-brains are probably forgetting their parts with every second that passes by.
MAC: Uh-oh.
I'm forgetting my part of the plan with every second that goes by.
Dennis is gonna yell at me again.
Hey, why was Charlie outshining me earlier? I mean, what's that all about? It's like he wants something from Dennis.
But what? Attention? Love? Why'd he throw me that look? Does he want to replace me? Is that what's going on? What the hell does he want? CHARLIE: I'm pretty sure Dennis has candy.
I heard a crinkle in his pocket that sounded like the wrapper of a candy.
I gave Mac a look to let him know that I figured out Dennis has candy.
Hopefully, if we nail this plan, he'll give us some candy.
I want that candy.
FRANK: You know who eats raw shellfish? Seagulls, that's who.
Clams you bake.
Clams you fry.
Pop a rubber band around them, stuff them full of bread, boil them shits for an hour.
There's a million ways you can prepare a clam.
"Make the world your clam.
" Just sounds better.
And that, I believe, is the reason for all of this toxic masculinity.
- Would you agree? - Huh? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Well - A-Absolutely.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah.
Everything - Absolutely.
Everything you were saying, we were totally listening.
- That's totally true.
- DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, cool.
Um, I'm gonna go take a quick squirt 'cause that beer just went right through me, and then we'll move on to the next thing.
- Thanks, Dee.
- Sounds fun.
- All right, Dee.
- Sounds fun.
- Yeah, Dee, this is gonna be great.
- I'm looking forward to it.
- This is really cool.
- So excited.
So excited.
- I'm enjoying this a lot.
- Goddamn bird! - (GRUNTS) - I'm gonna - Where's the scream pillow? Yeah, yeah.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, wait.
We can still pull this thing off.
We can still pull this thing off.
I-I just came up with another plan.
It was actually based on what Dee just did.
She just went to the bathroom.
See, everybody's got to take a dump at least once in every 24-hour period.
This got me thinking, right? So, at some point today, each and every one of us will have to take a shit, right? We're gonna have to go find a bathroom, and at that point, you will go and execute your part of the plan.
- Sounds good.
That's good.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- See what I'm saying? All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
So, Charlie, now it is time - for you to take your shit.
- CHARLIE: Is there time? - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great.
Nice.
And then, Charlie, go poop, and then we'll get started.
What? No, that's not what he's talking about, Mac.
What he means is that it's time for me to go to the school, break in using my old janitor's key, right? Go into the nurse's office, 'cause he's probably still on his lunch break.
Make the call.
Call the valet.
Let him know that his kid's "sick" and needs to be "picked up from school" ASAP.
My man.
With that kind of focus, we're gonna be able to pull this thing off.
- Yes! - Way to go.
- Yeah! And then when he's there, - that's when he poops.
- Wrong! - Totally wrong.
Just go, Charlie.
Go.
- CHARLIE: Okay.
A-And keep this kind of good focus in mind when it comes to what's inside your pants, 'cause I want that, man.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, great.
- I want what's in your pants.
- DENNIS: No, no.
- All right.
- (DOOR OPENS) Okay.
Where's Charlie? He had to take a shit.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- And I, too, have to take a shit now, as well.
- Oh, what? No.
What, now? No.
Well, make up your mind, or I-I do the horn.
- Okay.
It is a bit of an emergency.
- No, it isn't.
He You can, you can hold it.
He's gonna hold it.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - CHARLIE: Knock, knock, knock.
Hey! How you doing, old Terry? Old buddy, old pal! - (LAUGHS) - Do I know you? Ah, come on, it's me! It's Charlie! Remember? I used to be the janitor here a few years back.
Yeah, well, I got fired on account of a relationship I was having with a Juggalo child, you know.
That's not the point.
The point is though I got my old job back.
I'm ready to have new relationships with the children.
And in case you're wondering how I got in the building, that's how.
Oh.
Right.
And if memory serves, you usually take your lunch break about now.
So how about you pop on out, eat some lunch, and I'll clean up your office.
Oh, uh, I ate already.
Did you? Lunch is at noon.
It's 12:30.
Oh, yeah.
Look at that there.
You know what happened though, Terry, was I got a little held up on account of it being Dee Day and all.
- It's not D-Day.
- You know what? Actually, Terry, I should tell you this.
Um, I saw some kids breaking in to your car outside.
I ride a bike.
Yeah.
That's what I meant.
They were breaking on in to your bicycle.
Kicked it in half.
Filled it with horse manure.
- Kind of a prank, I guess.
- Yeah, I don't believe you.
Well, only one way to find out.
Better pop outside, take a peek.
My bike is fine.
One step ahead of me, aren't you, Terry? (CHUCKLES): Okay, you know what happened? Dee Day just threw everything off, okay? So I'm just gonna slide on in here.
Maybe I'm gonna make a little phone call.
No big deal.
And I'm not gonna make a phone call.
I'll just have some candy, then.
And I'm not gonna have any candy 'cause candy's for the kids.
Terry, this has been an unfortunate, uh Hey, can I use your phone and pretend to be you? No.
Okay.
That's strike three on my, uh, count.
Uh, I'm gonna fuck your bike up, Terry.
- What the hell is this? - (TAIWANESE ACCENT): Charlie, you would not - believe what we're doing.
- Oh, my God.
What is that? (PUERTO RICAN ACCENT): Ladies just doing it for themselves.
I'm just playing.
- I'm Martina Martinez.
- CHARLIE: Oh, no.
You don't have to do the accent anymore, Frank.
You're offstage.
- Oh, my God.
This is so racist, right? - It's insanely racist.
We didn't want to do it, but you know, Dee's humor is so lowbrow.
Oh, my God.
What is she? Uh, she wants to do a whole retrospective of her stupid characters.
- Wrote a play about it.
- Her characters suck! - I know! - Her characters suck! (IRISH ACCENT): Charlie, thank God you're here.
- Go get into costume.
We're up next.
- MAC: Dennis.
Oh, Dennis, uh, you're offstage, so y-you don't have to do the accent anymore.
That's why you suck at everything, Maxie.
I say if you're gonna do a racist stereotype, you best do it right.
I mean, that's a bit much, but you know.
- Oh, uh, where are we with the phone call? - CHARLIE: Uh, no.
I wasn't able to make it.
I was not able to make the call, guys.
- What?! - I'm sorry.
Okay, look.
Here's what we'll do.
I'll-I'll go to the valet myself, okay? I'll go to the restaurant.
I'll get the key.
I-I can make it work, Dennis, all right? Don't get mad.
- Who's desperate now, Charlie? - Shut up, Mac, you racist! I'm not racist! She's racist! She's the one that's racist! - She's making us do it.
- DEE: Hey, turkeys! - Shh.
Shh.
- What's the holdup in there? - No, no, no, no.
Goddamn it.
Look, uh, you stay here, Charlie.
Um, Mac, Frank, you go down there, okay? Um, you're not on again till the second act.
- I won't let you down, Dennis.
- Great.
Go, go, go.
- Go.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Oh, man.
- Charlie.
Charlie, go get into your costume.
- We got to learn a song.
- What? A song? God.
The glue on these teeth is insane.
I would never be able to get them off and on in time.
Ah, this makeup is making me sick.
- I'm I feel awful.
- It's not the makeup, Frank.
It's the bag of clams you made us stop before we came here.
The clam is fine.
If w-we got a bag of oysters, those would've made us really sick.
Whatever, dude.
Just focus, all right? The councilwoman's gonna be here any second.
Yeah, well, what do we got to do now? Charlie screwed up the whole thing with the valet.
Now how are we gonna get her keys? - All right, well, I got a plan.
- What? Now, when the valet gets into the next car, I want you to go to your car, and I want you to ram him, all right? Nothing crazy, but it's got to be believable, all right? Then, I'll step in as the valet.
I'll get the councilwoman's keys.
I'll go get a copy made.
I'll be back here ASAP.
I have, I have a suggestion.
I mean, if you want if you want it to be really believable the car accident then I think you should do it.
I mean, I'm not saying out loud why you should be the one to have the car accident, but I think it would play much better.
I do appreciate that you're working on your prejudices, Frank.
I, too, am trying to become a better man and but I just I-I-I really think that, unfortunately, - it is a better plan.
- It's a good plan.
So, uh, I'm just gonna go ahead and do that.
Oh! Oh! (WHISPERING): Okay.
Okay, he's coming.
Oh, good.
- You go get the keys.
I'm gonna go do the acc - Okay.
(RETCHES) - (GROANS) - Are you okay? I'm-I'm I'm just so sick.
- This makeup is making me - (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - (GUTTURAL THROAT CLEARING) - Okay.
(GAGGING) (CONTINUES GAGGING) Hello there.
I'm the valet.
I'll take your car.
(GAGS) - Oh, are you okay? - Oh, yeah.
I'm-I'm I'm fine.
I'm aces.
It's just It's just that I got a little skin thing going on.
But I-I I may get sick, but it won't be clams.
It won't be the clams, because if it was clams (GAGS) clams and I was sick, it would be all over the pavement.
- (GAGGING) - Uh, uh, I'm sorry, but is there someone else - that can take my car from me? - No.
No.
- He's gone.
He had a car accident.
- An accident? - Oh, my God.
Oh, geez.
- Yeah.
- (TIRES SQUEALING) - (LOUD CRASH) - Oh.
Oh.
- Yeah, there it is.
- That was it.
Yeah.
- God.
Um - (CAR ALARM SOUNDING) (RETCHING LOUDLY) (FRANK GRUNTS) - It's not the clams! - Oh! Uh, yeah.
I'm telling you, it can't be the clams! It don't make no sense! No, don't go.
- (RETCHING) - (TIRES SQUEALING) It's not the clams! (OLD MAN VOICE): For the love of God Paddy, don't you see? Your love is all I ever wanted to be - "For me," idiot.
- Uh Wanted for me.
Ha.
Okay.
Then you do the (SIGHS) Do we have to? Yeah, I mean.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
Did you want the horn? (CHARLIE SIGHS) (QUIETLY): Let's just get it over with.
Plant one on me, Covington! (QUIETLY): Goddamn it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I-I'm looking here in the script, and it says that they kiss, "with the quivering lips of two souls desperate to taste the juices of passion.
" Did that seem like that to you guys? - No.
- No.
No, me, neither.
Okay.
So do that, then.
- (BEEP) - (IRISH ACCENT): Gladly.
("ENDLESS LOVE" BY LIONEL RICHIE AND DIANA ROSS PLAYING) My love - There's only you in my life - (MOANING) The only thing that's bright (GIGGLES): Yeah.
Wow! (CHUCKLES): Okay.
Very nice.
Way better than I was expecting.
(BEEP, SONG STOPS) Goddamn bitch.
(BOTH SPITTING) - Goddamn bitch.
- She's sick is what she is.
- Yeah, she's sick.
- That's a sick person right there.
And I know we're supposed to be cool with this, 'cause, like, that's where society's headed, but I'm just I'm not there.
- I'm not saying it's not right.
- I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
I'm saying I don't want to do it.
I don't want to do it.
What did you eat? Why am I getting a weird taste - I had cheese.
I thought Well, I wanted - (GROANS) Well, now you know how it feels.
Oh, I don't want to taste your cheese.
It's weird Well, I didn't want to taste your cheese, either.
- (SPITTING, GROANING) - (MAC EXHALES) - Hey.
How'd it go with the valet? - We, uh, we struck out.
- You what?! - No good - Well, how are we gonna get in the woman's apartment without her key? We got to get in that apartment.
We got to set that woman's clocks back.
- DENNIS: What's going on with him? - Clams.
- Where'd you get clams? - Did you eat bad clams, Frank? - No, don't.
- DEE: Hey, guys.
Ticktock back there! (GROANS) All right, just go finish the goddamn show.
- Yeah, by the way, she made us kiss.
- Yeah.
- She made us kiss.
- I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
All right, let's just get out there.
I don't want to be doing this all week.
- Hey, you guys really did kiss? - Yeah, but don't get excited.
- That's not fair.
- But we didn't like it.
- Just go.
- Dennis, you should come out with us.
- No, no, no.
- Get out! Just go and finish the show.
- Finish the show, all right? - I'm not kissing you.
- Okay.
- (FRANK SIGHS) So, in this scene, Martina enters Tammy's massage parlor looking for a full-body rubdown.
- What?! - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And like all great plays, this one is going to have a happy ending.
Yeah, that was clams.
Oh, nothing like a day of bird-watching.
So peaceful.
So relaxing.
- Wouldn't you agree? - Huh? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Really calming.
- And, yeah, it's, uh - It's great.
- Birds are m-majestical.
Ooh, fun bird fact.
The ostrich's eyes are bigger than its brain.
- Huh.
- Do you have any thoughts on that? - That's cool.
- Good.
- FRANK: Great bird.
- It's a good bird.
- Ostriches are good birds.
Well, unfortunately, I have to take another piss.
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
- Okay.
See ya, Dee.
We're just gonna look at look for some more birds that we love.
- Yeah, we'll keep on, uh - Yeah, just gonna Oh, my God, I want to scream "bird," I want to scream "bird.
" - I want to scream, "Bird! Bird!" - That would be so good.
- Do you want me to do it for you, Dennis? - No.
Don't do it.
She's probably hiding behind a tree.
Yeah.
What's going on with you? Why are you so off your game today? Well, I Charlie has been outshining me all day, and I want to shine for you, Dennis, so I'm just I haven't been outshining you.
I was just throwing you looks because I wanted the candy, but I was gonna share it with you.
- What candy? - Dennis has candy in his pocket.
Okay, guys, can we get back to talking about the plan? - You have candy? - Look, w-we're getting off track here.
- Dennis has candy? - CHARLIE: I heard it crinkle.
- Yeah, I want that candy, man.
- DENNIS: Yes, I have candy.
All right? Of course I have candy.
I keep candy in my pocket sometimes so that I can get Charlie's focus.
It was working like a charm, man.
I was zoned in on everything you were saying.
Yes, I know it was working; the whole goddamn thing was working till Dee came through with this Dee Day bullshit.
Are we gonna get the candy, or are you gonna keep it - in your pocket all day? - I'll have some candy.
- Here's the candy.
- Yeah! Yes, I knew it.
- Oh, oh, oh! I want All right, all right.
- Wow.
- Children.
Children.
- Good candy, good candy.
- This is good candy.
I don't need the candy anymore anyway, 'cause I have a backup plan.
We don't need the councilwoman's keys anymore to get into her house, because we have me.
All right? So I'll peel off.
I'll go seduce her.
She'll invite me into her house, where I'll bang her as fast as I possibly can, and then, while she's cleaning up afterwards, I'll set all of her clocks back, causing her to sleep late and miss the boat, okay? So when Dee comes back, just tell her - I had to go take my shit.
- CHARLIE: Nice, man.
All right.
- Watch out! - Hey.
- Hey.
- Where you rushing off to? - Oh, I-I got to take a shit.
- Do ya? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'll let you do that.
- Okay.
- But real quick first.
I wanted to do something with you.
- I really have to shit, Dee.
- Yeah, this'll be fast.
- What is that? - Oh, these are makeup wipes.
So that you can remove your makeup.
(CHUCKLES) Makeup? I'm not wearing any makeup.
Then it won't be an issue.
I mean, I'm wearing a little bit of concealer.
Is that what you're talking about having me remove? Well, I'm talking about the concealer, yes.
But I'm talking about the rest of the makeup, the tape you have behind your jaw and your eyes.
I'm talking about the hair paint.
I'm talking about all of it.
DEE: What a nice restaurant this is, filled with attractive, professional-looking people.
You know what it is? It's the kind of place where you wouldn't want to stick out like a sore thumb.
How are you liking it, Dennis? Yes, very nice.
- Yeah? - (CHUCKLES) Yes.
Would you like to go introduce yourself to some ladies? No, uh, I-I'm okay.
Uh, no.
Okay.
I'll go round some up and bring them to you.
- No.
- Yep.
Hey, don't mind her, dude.
Y-You look great.
Holy shit.
That's her.
- Who? - The councilwoman.
- She's right there.
- CHARLIE: Who? Right there? - Right there.
That's her.
- Right there? Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God, this is incredible.
What are the odds? - That's her, yeah.
Dee has no idea how good this is for us.
- Dennis, go do your thing.
- This is great.
(STAMMERS): No, I-I - I can't.
No.
- Buddy, makeup or not, you are the Golden God.
It's all about what's in here.
Oh.
Is your pec deflated? Sh-She took his pads out.
- Yeah, he had - Oh, your pec pads.
- He had some pads.
- No.
Well, either way, man, you can do it.
You're our only hope.
- I can do this.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's worth a shot.
- Yeah! - That's the attitude.
- Come on, man.
- You're looking good.
You got it.
You got this.
You got this.
- You got this.
You got this.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- He ain't got this.
- That's what his soul looks like.
DENNIS: Hi.
Did I frighten you? Sorry.
Uh, I'm not, I'm not, uh I'm Dennis.
Do you like hard candy? I have candies.
Oh, you know what? Actually, I don't.
Scratch that.
I I threw all the hard candies at those idiot children.
Uh Oysters or clams? - Excuse me? - Oysters, obviously.
(CHUCKLES) You know? - Mm.
- Plus, like, they-they You can, you can get sick off clams.
Like, I got real sick off clams when I was, like Anything can make you throw up if you're, if you're, uh if it's gone bad.
You know, my dad was, like, throwing up off He's not really my dad, but you know.
Yeah.
But anyway, it's oysters for me.
(CHUCKLES) - (CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY) - Um Hey, uh, you know what? I just realized.
We don't have a lot of time, so let's We should get this over with.
Can I get your house key? - What? - We don't, uh, have to have sex like this.
I can, I can I can put another man's face on.
If you give me your house key, I can go to your house and put on some of your makeup - Get away from me.
- Well, hold on a second.
Um, uh, we I'm supposed to be taking a shit right now.
- And so Yeah.
- Dennis.
What are you doing to this woman? Uh, it was my turn to take a shit, and then I was gonna do it with her.
I am so sorry about him.
Okay? This man is clearly a monster, and he will be punished accordingly.
G-Go wait for me over there, monster.
We'll find another woman.
It's Dee Day.
CHARLIE: Just so you know, you look a lot better now, but you looked fine.
I just don't look good when I haven't got enough sleep.
And I got a little nap in, so, you know, I'm back.
- Huh.
- Anyway, I bet you the city council's voted already.
- Dying to figure out which way they voted.
- MAC: Oh, dude.
It doesn't matter.
Like, the bird bitch ruined everything.
- We had a plan.
We had - Shh.
Keep your voice down.
We may have lost this one, but the most important thing is that we don't get another Dee Day.
Oh, man.
That's, like, the 20th piss I took today.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, hey, it's important - to stay hydrated.
- Yeah.
Knock it off.
Looks like you guys are gonna make it.
And I have to say, I am very impressed that you were able to focus on anything other than yourselves for one entire day.
- Well, Dee, it's been a real pleasure.
- CHARLIE: Uh, we haven't - made it yet, so - FRANK: We've enjoyed it.
- It's been really great.
And Dee Day ends officially in three, two, one.
- (CLOCK CHIMING, CUCKOOING) - (FRANK SIGHS) All right, let me have it.
Pile it on me.
- News.
- Pile it on me.
- TV.
TV.
Yeah, put the - Channel 7.
Channel 7.
- Put the news on.
Put the news on.
- What are you doing? - What channel? What channel? - S-Seven? Seven? - Yeah, it might be.
- (NEWS THEME PLAYS) - In a stunning upset, local ordinance LC-103 passed today.
The controversial proposal actually legalizes public urination.
- It passed! It passed! - It passed! It passed! It passed! - (MEN CHEERING, LAUGHING) - Oh! - It passed anyway.
- Nice! What passed? Dee, we have been working for weeks on a very intricate plan to ensure the passage of that ordinance.
Yeah.
All we had to do was stop one city councilwoman - from voting, that was it.
- Yeah, yeah.
So we had this ingenious plan to, uh, get ahold of her keys, sneak into her house and, uh, turn all of her clocks back, - mess with her phones a little bit or whatever - It was a good plan.
so that she would sleep too late, she would miss the vote, - and the ordinance would pass, and it passed! - (DENNIS AND CHARLIE LAUGH) We knew that she would be the one dissenting vote.
- So we had to stop her.
- Yeah.
- How? - Oh, well, it's a group - Uh, well, yeah.
- There it is.
CHARLIE: It's all men and she was the one lady.
- MAC: Men are free once again - FRANK: We are free! to relieve themselves where God intended.
You guys are idiots! That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever even heard.
Why didn't you just go and slash her tires, like, five minutes before she had to leave for the meeting? - Oh.
Oh.
- What? Oh, yeah, just do that.
- Okay, yeah, just do that.
- Yeah, sure.
Dee, you know what? You don't get it.
Okay? Women will never understand what it's like to be a man.
Like, we just, like, we need to piss in public, okay? - We need to hatch plans (LAUGHS) that actually work.
- (CHARLIE LAUGHING) Dee, your plan would not have worked.
Oh, yeah? My plan did work, jackass.
I got close enough to the councilwoman in the restaurant to steal her wallet, got her address, and then replaced the wallet without her seeing.
And then, in the middle of the night when I told you guys I was going to "take a shit" like you were doing all goddamn day, I snuck over and I slashed her tires.
You did? Why? Did you see how many times I peed today? I have a teeny, tiny, little bladder.
I want to be able to pee on the street if I have to.
- Oh! You? - Ugh! Gross.
- In front of us? - Just out there in the public? - A woman? - Squat? - Dee, you nasty.
- DENNIS: Nasty.
- Dee, you n - (LAUGHS): She's so nasty.
No, you know what? You guys are just pissed - because I outsmarted you.
- Oh, you outsmarted us? - You're embarrassed.
- Dee, (CHUCKLES) you spent the entirety of Dee Day coming up with a plan that eventually led to us getting exactly what we want, so - We scored.
- You're a stupid bird.
Don't even bother trying to explain it to her.
Her tiny bird brain will never get it.
DENNIS: Birds don't understand plans.
What about this one? Dee's a bird.
- (LAUGHS) - That's a good one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.
You should all probably check your phones.
- DENNIS AND CHARLIE: Why? - Oh, I don't know.
Just 'cause I pushed the cuckoo clock ahead an hour.
(CLOCK CHIMES) No.
Shut up.
Here's the problem, guys.
You just insulted me on Dee Day.
- No.
- No, no, no, no.
God.
- Oh, no, wait You know what that earns you? Another day of Dee.
- Oh, no! - No, no, no, no, no! - (AIR HORN BLARING) - (YELLING) - I - I I want to share All my love With you No one else will do And your eyes Your eyes, your eyes They tell me how much you care Oh, yes.
(TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS)
You're like a you're like a rocket ship, okay? Now left.
Now right.
Now left.
Now right.
Now go lower.
- MAC: Oh, come on.
Come - Can you guys go lower? Dennis, is this really necessary? Mac, you have the tendon dexterity of a sow, so yes, it's necessary.
Guys, we're about to embark on the most important 24 hours of our lives here.
Okay, it's important to stay limber and loose.
Uh, yes.
Very good, Charlie.
- Can we just start? - No, we can't just start, okay? Preparation is the key to victory.
- Oh.
- DENNIS: Yes, Charlie.
You're really nailing this today.
I got my eye on you.
Okay.
Now, does everybody know what they're supposed to do? Yes.
Dennis, I know exactly what you told us to do.
I've memorized it.
I know where to be and when to be at all times.
Okay, good.
Yeah.
Needy and desperate for approval, but, uh, good.
Charlie.
- (BLOWS) - Now look at that.
You see that? With one little gesture, he tells me everything I need to know.
That wordless display of confidence earns my confidence.
Don't.
I did it already.
You're so desperate.
- I thought it was cool.
- Okay, now, listen.
Guys, guys.
We have exactly one day to pull this off, so everything needs to be executed to absolute perfection.
And, gentlemen, if we do that, well, the world is our oyster.
Don't say "oyster.
" Say "clam.
" - The world's our clam? - Yeah.
- I like clams better.
- You like clams? Well, - that doesn't sound very good.
- They're both shellfish, - so it's kind of the same, isn't it? - Yeah.
One's disgusting, - and one's delicious.
- Yeah, okay.
- I personally prefer barnacles.
You know what I mean? - MAC: Oh.
- Yeah, there's some meat in there.
- I like abalone.
- DENNIS: Well, okay, guys.
- Abalone's interesting.
- I'm a clam person.
- Seagulls - Oh, mussels.
What about mussels? - DENNIS: All right, guys.
Let's not get into a whole thing.
We're getting derailed, okay? Uh We can spend the whole day talking about which shell creatures we do or don't prefer or enjoy at any given moment.
That's not what we're doing here.
Okay, look, we put in the work.
Right? We're ready.
We've done our dry run.
And if we put our minds to it, nothing, absolutely nothing can stand in our way.
- World is our clam.
- Bring it in, boys.
- DEE: Oh! Uh, Dee is in the house Uh, Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house Uh, Dee is in the house.
- First things first, we got to ditch Dee.
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, let's ditch her.
- DEE: Guys, I am so excited to get started.
Get started on what? Oh, my God.
You forgot.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, that makes it so much better.
Oh, guys.
From noon today until noon tomorrow, it's Dee Day.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- No.
- I completely forgot.
- Oh, shit.
- No, I - No, wait, wait, wait.
I know, I know.
See, we did all your days, and now it's my turn.
So that means, for the next 24 hours, you got to do everything I tell you to do, and you got to listen to me.
And you can't complain, otherwise you're gonna get - one of these.
- (AIR HORN BLARES) - (GROANS) - And I tack another day on.
- Dee, please, please don't do this to us.
- Oh, you better cram your insults in now while you got oh, few more seconds left, guys.
CHARLIE: You (STAMMERS) - Dee's a bird! - (FRANTIC SHOUTING) - Dee Day begins in three - Dee's a bird! You're a bird! - two - You're a bird! (SHOUTS) - I hate you, bird! - You're a stupid! - one.
(CLOCK CHIMING, CUCKOOING) - - As we all know, you guys just love to talk and talk about why men this and why God that and on and on and on and on.
And I-I can't even begin to count the number of pointless monologues I've been forced to sit through.
But not today.
Today, it's you who will be forced to sit and just listen.
And my first topic? My feelings.
- That's fair.
- MAC: Yeah, I'm into it.
- DEE: Thank you.
- I'm excited.
- DEE: Thought you would be.
Now, when I wake up in the morning, I feel sad.
And I feel sad for a very long DENNIS: (GROANS) Today of all days, and now I'm being forced to listen to her feelings? I won't do it.
And who cares about her feelings anyway? Nobody, that's who.
What about my feelings? Now, that's interesting, okay? Plus, the plan.
We can't afford to waste a second, and these pea-brains are probably forgetting their parts with every second that passes by.
MAC: Uh-oh.
I'm forgetting my part of the plan with every second that goes by.
Dennis is gonna yell at me again.
Hey, why was Charlie outshining me earlier? I mean, what's that all about? It's like he wants something from Dennis.
But what? Attention? Love? Why'd he throw me that look? Does he want to replace me? Is that what's going on? What the hell does he want? CHARLIE: I'm pretty sure Dennis has candy.
I heard a crinkle in his pocket that sounded like the wrapper of a candy.
I gave Mac a look to let him know that I figured out Dennis has candy.
Hopefully, if we nail this plan, he'll give us some candy.
I want that candy.
FRANK: You know who eats raw shellfish? Seagulls, that's who.
Clams you bake.
Clams you fry.
Pop a rubber band around them, stuff them full of bread, boil them shits for an hour.
There's a million ways you can prepare a clam.
"Make the world your clam.
" Just sounds better.
And that, I believe, is the reason for all of this toxic masculinity.
- Would you agree? - Huh? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Well - A-Absolutely.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah.
Everything - Absolutely.
Everything you were saying, we were totally listening.
- That's totally true.
- DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, cool.
Um, I'm gonna go take a quick squirt 'cause that beer just went right through me, and then we'll move on to the next thing.
- Thanks, Dee.
- Sounds fun.
- All right, Dee.
- Sounds fun.
- Yeah, Dee, this is gonna be great.
- I'm looking forward to it.
- This is really cool.
- So excited.
So excited.
- I'm enjoying this a lot.
- Goddamn bird! - (GRUNTS) - I'm gonna - Where's the scream pillow? Yeah, yeah.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, wait.
We can still pull this thing off.
We can still pull this thing off.
I-I just came up with another plan.
It was actually based on what Dee just did.
She just went to the bathroom.
See, everybody's got to take a dump at least once in every 24-hour period.
This got me thinking, right? So, at some point today, each and every one of us will have to take a shit, right? We're gonna have to go find a bathroom, and at that point, you will go and execute your part of the plan.
- Sounds good.
That's good.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- See what I'm saying? All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
So, Charlie, now it is time - for you to take your shit.
- CHARLIE: Is there time? - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, great.
Nice.
And then, Charlie, go poop, and then we'll get started.
What? No, that's not what he's talking about, Mac.
What he means is that it's time for me to go to the school, break in using my old janitor's key, right? Go into the nurse's office, 'cause he's probably still on his lunch break.
Make the call.
Call the valet.
Let him know that his kid's "sick" and needs to be "picked up from school" ASAP.
My man.
With that kind of focus, we're gonna be able to pull this thing off.
- Yes! - Way to go.
- Yeah! And then when he's there, - that's when he poops.
- Wrong! - Totally wrong.
Just go, Charlie.
Go.
- CHARLIE: Okay.
A-And keep this kind of good focus in mind when it comes to what's inside your pants, 'cause I want that, man.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, great.
- I want what's in your pants.
- DENNIS: No, no.
- All right.
- (DOOR OPENS) Okay.
Where's Charlie? He had to take a shit.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- And I, too, have to take a shit now, as well.
- Oh, what? No.
What, now? No.
Well, make up your mind, or I-I do the horn.
- Okay.
It is a bit of an emergency.
- No, it isn't.
He You can, you can hold it.
He's gonna hold it.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) - CHARLIE: Knock, knock, knock.
Hey! How you doing, old Terry? Old buddy, old pal! - (LAUGHS) - Do I know you? Ah, come on, it's me! It's Charlie! Remember? I used to be the janitor here a few years back.
Yeah, well, I got fired on account of a relationship I was having with a Juggalo child, you know.
That's not the point.
The point is though I got my old job back.
I'm ready to have new relationships with the children.
And in case you're wondering how I got in the building, that's how.
Oh.
Right.
And if memory serves, you usually take your lunch break about now.
So how about you pop on out, eat some lunch, and I'll clean up your office.
Oh, uh, I ate already.
Did you? Lunch is at noon.
It's 12:30.
Oh, yeah.
Look at that there.
You know what happened though, Terry, was I got a little held up on account of it being Dee Day and all.
- It's not D-Day.
- You know what? Actually, Terry, I should tell you this.
Um, I saw some kids breaking in to your car outside.
I ride a bike.
Yeah.
That's what I meant.
They were breaking on in to your bicycle.
Kicked it in half.
Filled it with horse manure.
- Kind of a prank, I guess.
- Yeah, I don't believe you.
Well, only one way to find out.
Better pop outside, take a peek.
My bike is fine.
One step ahead of me, aren't you, Terry? (CHUCKLES): Okay, you know what happened? Dee Day just threw everything off, okay? So I'm just gonna slide on in here.
Maybe I'm gonna make a little phone call.
No big deal.
And I'm not gonna make a phone call.
I'll just have some candy, then.
And I'm not gonna have any candy 'cause candy's for the kids.
Terry, this has been an unfortunate, uh Hey, can I use your phone and pretend to be you? No.
Okay.
That's strike three on my, uh, count.
Uh, I'm gonna fuck your bike up, Terry.
- What the hell is this? - (TAIWANESE ACCENT): Charlie, you would not - believe what we're doing.
- Oh, my God.
What is that? (PUERTO RICAN ACCENT): Ladies just doing it for themselves.
I'm just playing.
- I'm Martina Martinez.
- CHARLIE: Oh, no.
You don't have to do the accent anymore, Frank.
You're offstage.
- Oh, my God.
This is so racist, right? - It's insanely racist.
We didn't want to do it, but you know, Dee's humor is so lowbrow.
Oh, my God.
What is she? Uh, she wants to do a whole retrospective of her stupid characters.
- Wrote a play about it.
- Her characters suck! - I know! - Her characters suck! (IRISH ACCENT): Charlie, thank God you're here.
- Go get into costume.
We're up next.
- MAC: Dennis.
Oh, Dennis, uh, you're offstage, so y-you don't have to do the accent anymore.
That's why you suck at everything, Maxie.
I say if you're gonna do a racist stereotype, you best do it right.
I mean, that's a bit much, but you know.
- Oh, uh, where are we with the phone call? - CHARLIE: Uh, no.
I wasn't able to make it.
I was not able to make the call, guys.
- What?! - I'm sorry.
Okay, look.
Here's what we'll do.
I'll-I'll go to the valet myself, okay? I'll go to the restaurant.
I'll get the key.
I-I can make it work, Dennis, all right? Don't get mad.
- Who's desperate now, Charlie? - Shut up, Mac, you racist! I'm not racist! She's racist! She's the one that's racist! - She's making us do it.
- DEE: Hey, turkeys! - Shh.
Shh.
- What's the holdup in there? - No, no, no, no.
Goddamn it.
Look, uh, you stay here, Charlie.
Um, Mac, Frank, you go down there, okay? Um, you're not on again till the second act.
- I won't let you down, Dennis.
- Great.
Go, go, go.
- Go.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Oh, man.
- Charlie.
Charlie, go get into your costume.
- We got to learn a song.
- What? A song? God.
The glue on these teeth is insane.
I would never be able to get them off and on in time.
Ah, this makeup is making me sick.
- I'm I feel awful.
- It's not the makeup, Frank.
It's the bag of clams you made us stop before we came here.
The clam is fine.
If w-we got a bag of oysters, those would've made us really sick.
Whatever, dude.
Just focus, all right? The councilwoman's gonna be here any second.
Yeah, well, what do we got to do now? Charlie screwed up the whole thing with the valet.
Now how are we gonna get her keys? - All right, well, I got a plan.
- What? Now, when the valet gets into the next car, I want you to go to your car, and I want you to ram him, all right? Nothing crazy, but it's got to be believable, all right? Then, I'll step in as the valet.
I'll get the councilwoman's keys.
I'll go get a copy made.
I'll be back here ASAP.
I have, I have a suggestion.
I mean, if you want if you want it to be really believable the car accident then I think you should do it.
I mean, I'm not saying out loud why you should be the one to have the car accident, but I think it would play much better.
I do appreciate that you're working on your prejudices, Frank.
I, too, am trying to become a better man and but I just I-I-I really think that, unfortunately, - it is a better plan.
- It's a good plan.
So, uh, I'm just gonna go ahead and do that.
Oh! Oh! (WHISPERING): Okay.
Okay, he's coming.
Oh, good.
- You go get the keys.
I'm gonna go do the acc - Okay.
(RETCHES) - (GROANS) - Are you okay? I'm-I'm I'm just so sick.
- This makeup is making me - (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - (GUTTURAL THROAT CLEARING) - Okay.
(GAGGING) (CONTINUES GAGGING) Hello there.
I'm the valet.
I'll take your car.
(GAGS) - Oh, are you okay? - Oh, yeah.
I'm-I'm I'm fine.
I'm aces.
It's just It's just that I got a little skin thing going on.
But I-I I may get sick, but it won't be clams.
It won't be the clams, because if it was clams (GAGS) clams and I was sick, it would be all over the pavement.
- (GAGGING) - Uh, uh, I'm sorry, but is there someone else - that can take my car from me? - No.
No.
- He's gone.
He had a car accident.
- An accident? - Oh, my God.
Oh, geez.
- Yeah.
- (TIRES SQUEALING) - (LOUD CRASH) - Oh.
Oh.
- Yeah, there it is.
- That was it.
Yeah.
- God.
Um - (CAR ALARM SOUNDING) (RETCHING LOUDLY) (FRANK GRUNTS) - It's not the clams! - Oh! Uh, yeah.
I'm telling you, it can't be the clams! It don't make no sense! No, don't go.
- (RETCHING) - (TIRES SQUEALING) It's not the clams! (OLD MAN VOICE): For the love of God Paddy, don't you see? Your love is all I ever wanted to be - "For me," idiot.
- Uh Wanted for me.
Ha.
Okay.
Then you do the (SIGHS) Do we have to? Yeah, I mean.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
Did you want the horn? (CHARLIE SIGHS) (QUIETLY): Let's just get it over with.
Plant one on me, Covington! (QUIETLY): Goddamn it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I-I'm looking here in the script, and it says that they kiss, "with the quivering lips of two souls desperate to taste the juices of passion.
" Did that seem like that to you guys? - No.
- No.
No, me, neither.
Okay.
So do that, then.
- (BEEP) - (IRISH ACCENT): Gladly.
("ENDLESS LOVE" BY LIONEL RICHIE AND DIANA ROSS PLAYING) My love - There's only you in my life - (MOANING) The only thing that's bright (GIGGLES): Yeah.
Wow! (CHUCKLES): Okay.
Very nice.
Way better than I was expecting.
(BEEP, SONG STOPS) Goddamn bitch.
(BOTH SPITTING) - Goddamn bitch.
- She's sick is what she is.
- Yeah, she's sick.
- That's a sick person right there.
And I know we're supposed to be cool with this, 'cause, like, that's where society's headed, but I'm just I'm not there.
- I'm not saying it's not right.
- I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
I'm saying I don't want to do it.
I don't want to do it.
What did you eat? Why am I getting a weird taste - I had cheese.
I thought Well, I wanted - (GROANS) Well, now you know how it feels.
Oh, I don't want to taste your cheese.
It's weird Well, I didn't want to taste your cheese, either.
- (SPITTING, GROANING) - (MAC EXHALES) - Hey.
How'd it go with the valet? - We, uh, we struck out.
- You what?! - No good - Well, how are we gonna get in the woman's apartment without her key? We got to get in that apartment.
We got to set that woman's clocks back.
- DENNIS: What's going on with him? - Clams.
- Where'd you get clams? - Did you eat bad clams, Frank? - No, don't.
- DEE: Hey, guys.
Ticktock back there! (GROANS) All right, just go finish the goddamn show.
- Yeah, by the way, she made us kiss.
- Yeah.
- She made us kiss.
- I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
All right, let's just get out there.
I don't want to be doing this all week.
- Hey, you guys really did kiss? - Yeah, but don't get excited.
- That's not fair.
- But we didn't like it.
- Just go.
- Dennis, you should come out with us.
- No, no, no.
- Get out! Just go and finish the show.
- Finish the show, all right? - I'm not kissing you.
- Okay.
- (FRANK SIGHS) So, in this scene, Martina enters Tammy's massage parlor looking for a full-body rubdown.
- What?! - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And like all great plays, this one is going to have a happy ending.
Yeah, that was clams.
Oh, nothing like a day of bird-watching.
So peaceful.
So relaxing.
- Wouldn't you agree? - Huh? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Really calming.
- And, yeah, it's, uh - It's great.
- Birds are m-majestical.
Ooh, fun bird fact.
The ostrich's eyes are bigger than its brain.
- Huh.
- Do you have any thoughts on that? - That's cool.
- Good.
- FRANK: Great bird.
- It's a good bird.
- Ostriches are good birds.
Well, unfortunately, I have to take another piss.
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
- Okay.
See ya, Dee.
We're just gonna look at look for some more birds that we love.
- Yeah, we'll keep on, uh - Yeah, just gonna Oh, my God, I want to scream "bird," I want to scream "bird.
" - I want to scream, "Bird! Bird!" - That would be so good.
- Do you want me to do it for you, Dennis? - No.
Don't do it.
She's probably hiding behind a tree.
Yeah.
What's going on with you? Why are you so off your game today? Well, I Charlie has been outshining me all day, and I want to shine for you, Dennis, so I'm just I haven't been outshining you.
I was just throwing you looks because I wanted the candy, but I was gonna share it with you.
- What candy? - Dennis has candy in his pocket.
Okay, guys, can we get back to talking about the plan? - You have candy? - Look, w-we're getting off track here.
- Dennis has candy? - CHARLIE: I heard it crinkle.
- Yeah, I want that candy, man.
- DENNIS: Yes, I have candy.
All right? Of course I have candy.
I keep candy in my pocket sometimes so that I can get Charlie's focus.
It was working like a charm, man.
I was zoned in on everything you were saying.
Yes, I know it was working; the whole goddamn thing was working till Dee came through with this Dee Day bullshit.
Are we gonna get the candy, or are you gonna keep it - in your pocket all day? - I'll have some candy.
- Here's the candy.
- Yeah! Yes, I knew it.
- Oh, oh, oh! I want All right, all right.
- Wow.
- Children.
Children.
- Good candy, good candy.
- This is good candy.
I don't need the candy anymore anyway, 'cause I have a backup plan.
We don't need the councilwoman's keys anymore to get into her house, because we have me.
All right? So I'll peel off.
I'll go seduce her.
She'll invite me into her house, where I'll bang her as fast as I possibly can, and then, while she's cleaning up afterwards, I'll set all of her clocks back, causing her to sleep late and miss the boat, okay? So when Dee comes back, just tell her - I had to go take my shit.
- CHARLIE: Nice, man.
All right.
- Watch out! - Hey.
- Hey.
- Where you rushing off to? - Oh, I-I got to take a shit.
- Do ya? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'll let you do that.
- Okay.
- But real quick first.
I wanted to do something with you.
- I really have to shit, Dee.
- Yeah, this'll be fast.
- What is that? - Oh, these are makeup wipes.
So that you can remove your makeup.
(CHUCKLES) Makeup? I'm not wearing any makeup.
Then it won't be an issue.
I mean, I'm wearing a little bit of concealer.
Is that what you're talking about having me remove? Well, I'm talking about the concealer, yes.
But I'm talking about the rest of the makeup, the tape you have behind your jaw and your eyes.
I'm talking about the hair paint.
I'm talking about all of it.
DEE: What a nice restaurant this is, filled with attractive, professional-looking people.
You know what it is? It's the kind of place where you wouldn't want to stick out like a sore thumb.
How are you liking it, Dennis? Yes, very nice.
- Yeah? - (CHUCKLES) Yes.
Would you like to go introduce yourself to some ladies? No, uh, I-I'm okay.
Uh, no.
Okay.
I'll go round some up and bring them to you.
- No.
- Yep.
Hey, don't mind her, dude.
Y-You look great.
Holy shit.
That's her.
- Who? - The councilwoman.
- She's right there.
- CHARLIE: Who? Right there? - Right there.
That's her.
- Right there? Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God, this is incredible.
What are the odds? - That's her, yeah.
Dee has no idea how good this is for us.
- Dennis, go do your thing.
- This is great.
(STAMMERS): No, I-I - I can't.
No.
- Buddy, makeup or not, you are the Golden God.
It's all about what's in here.
Oh.
Is your pec deflated? Sh-She took his pads out.
- Yeah, he had - Oh, your pec pads.
- He had some pads.
- No.
Well, either way, man, you can do it.
You're our only hope.
- I can do this.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's worth a shot.
- Yeah! - That's the attitude.
- Come on, man.
- You're looking good.
You got it.
You got this.
You got this.
- You got this.
You got this.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- He ain't got this.
- That's what his soul looks like.
DENNIS: Hi.
Did I frighten you? Sorry.
Uh, I'm not, I'm not, uh I'm Dennis.
Do you like hard candy? I have candies.
Oh, you know what? Actually, I don't.
Scratch that.
I I threw all the hard candies at those idiot children.
Uh Oysters or clams? - Excuse me? - Oysters, obviously.
(CHUCKLES) You know? - Mm.
- Plus, like, they-they You can, you can get sick off clams.
Like, I got real sick off clams when I was, like Anything can make you throw up if you're, if you're, uh if it's gone bad.
You know, my dad was, like, throwing up off He's not really my dad, but you know.
Yeah.
But anyway, it's oysters for me.
(CHUCKLES) - (CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY) - Um Hey, uh, you know what? I just realized.
We don't have a lot of time, so let's We should get this over with.
Can I get your house key? - What? - We don't, uh, have to have sex like this.
I can, I can I can put another man's face on.
If you give me your house key, I can go to your house and put on some of your makeup - Get away from me.
- Well, hold on a second.
Um, uh, we I'm supposed to be taking a shit right now.
- And so Yeah.
- Dennis.
What are you doing to this woman? Uh, it was my turn to take a shit, and then I was gonna do it with her.
I am so sorry about him.
Okay? This man is clearly a monster, and he will be punished accordingly.
G-Go wait for me over there, monster.
We'll find another woman.
It's Dee Day.
CHARLIE: Just so you know, you look a lot better now, but you looked fine.
I just don't look good when I haven't got enough sleep.
And I got a little nap in, so, you know, I'm back.
- Huh.
- Anyway, I bet you the city council's voted already.
- Dying to figure out which way they voted.
- MAC: Oh, dude.
It doesn't matter.
Like, the bird bitch ruined everything.
- We had a plan.
We had - Shh.
Keep your voice down.
We may have lost this one, but the most important thing is that we don't get another Dee Day.
Oh, man.
That's, like, the 20th piss I took today.
- Oh, yeah? - Well, hey, it's important - to stay hydrated.
- Yeah.
Knock it off.
Looks like you guys are gonna make it.
And I have to say, I am very impressed that you were able to focus on anything other than yourselves for one entire day.
- Well, Dee, it's been a real pleasure.
- CHARLIE: Uh, we haven't - made it yet, so - FRANK: We've enjoyed it.
- It's been really great.
And Dee Day ends officially in three, two, one.
- (CLOCK CHIMING, CUCKOOING) - (FRANK SIGHS) All right, let me have it.
Pile it on me.
- News.
- Pile it on me.
- TV.
TV.
Yeah, put the - Channel 7.
Channel 7.
- Put the news on.
Put the news on.
- What are you doing? - What channel? What channel? - S-Seven? Seven? - Yeah, it might be.
- (NEWS THEME PLAYS) - In a stunning upset, local ordinance LC-103 passed today.
The controversial proposal actually legalizes public urination.
- It passed! It passed! - It passed! It passed! It passed! - (MEN CHEERING, LAUGHING) - Oh! - It passed anyway.
- Nice! What passed? Dee, we have been working for weeks on a very intricate plan to ensure the passage of that ordinance.
Yeah.
All we had to do was stop one city councilwoman - from voting, that was it.
- Yeah, yeah.
So we had this ingenious plan to, uh, get ahold of her keys, sneak into her house and, uh, turn all of her clocks back, - mess with her phones a little bit or whatever - It was a good plan.
so that she would sleep too late, she would miss the vote, - and the ordinance would pass, and it passed! - (DENNIS AND CHARLIE LAUGH) We knew that she would be the one dissenting vote.
- So we had to stop her.
- Yeah.
- How? - Oh, well, it's a group - Uh, well, yeah.
- There it is.
CHARLIE: It's all men and she was the one lady.
- MAC: Men are free once again - FRANK: We are free! to relieve themselves where God intended.
You guys are idiots! That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever even heard.
Why didn't you just go and slash her tires, like, five minutes before she had to leave for the meeting? - Oh.
Oh.
- What? Oh, yeah, just do that.
- Okay, yeah, just do that.
- Yeah, sure.
Dee, you know what? You don't get it.
Okay? Women will never understand what it's like to be a man.
Like, we just, like, we need to piss in public, okay? - We need to hatch plans (LAUGHS) that actually work.
- (CHARLIE LAUGHING) Dee, your plan would not have worked.
Oh, yeah? My plan did work, jackass.
I got close enough to the councilwoman in the restaurant to steal her wallet, got her address, and then replaced the wallet without her seeing.
And then, in the middle of the night when I told you guys I was going to "take a shit" like you were doing all goddamn day, I snuck over and I slashed her tires.
You did? Why? Did you see how many times I peed today? I have a teeny, tiny, little bladder.
I want to be able to pee on the street if I have to.
- Oh! You? - Ugh! Gross.
- In front of us? - Just out there in the public? - A woman? - Squat? - Dee, you nasty.
- DENNIS: Nasty.
- Dee, you n - (LAUGHS): She's so nasty.
No, you know what? You guys are just pissed - because I outsmarted you.
- Oh, you outsmarted us? - You're embarrassed.
- Dee, (CHUCKLES) you spent the entirety of Dee Day coming up with a plan that eventually led to us getting exactly what we want, so - We scored.
- You're a stupid bird.
Don't even bother trying to explain it to her.
Her tiny bird brain will never get it.
DENNIS: Birds don't understand plans.
What about this one? Dee's a bird.
- (LAUGHS) - That's a good one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.
You should all probably check your phones.
- DENNIS AND CHARLIE: Why? - Oh, I don't know.
Just 'cause I pushed the cuckoo clock ahead an hour.
(CLOCK CHIMES) No.
Shut up.
Here's the problem, guys.
You just insulted me on Dee Day.
- No.
- No, no, no, no.
God.
- Oh, no, wait You know what that earns you? Another day of Dee.
- Oh, no! - No, no, no, no, no! - (AIR HORN BLARING) - (YELLING) - I - I I want to share All my love With you No one else will do And your eyes Your eyes, your eyes They tell me how much you care Oh, yes.
(TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS)