Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e04 Episode Script
Adam Richman, Foxes, Thomas Turgoose, Kelly Osbourne
How do? I'm Keith Lemon and these are my sweet arse titles.
There's Holly Willoboozy coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers! Gino D'Acampo's covering for Fearne while she's having a baby.
How is that possible (?) We are all here in heaven, but we're not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're doing the best telly show on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly! HD-ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Yeah! Woo-hoo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
I would like to apologise to one of the ladies.
When I was doing high-five when I came down, I think I smacked her tit! (LAUGHTER) I am sorry.
It felt good, I hope it felt good for you.
Let's meet our team captains.
One of them has got really big tits, it's Holly Willobooby! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you very much! (WOLF WHISTLING) Thank you.
Who is on your team? On my right I have the star of Man Vs Food, it is Adam Richm (CHEERING) And on my left, I have the foxiest of all pop stars, it is Foxes! (CHEERING) You're all right there? Indeed, this is a very good table to be at.
Is it a table or a desk? Either way, it is really a good place to be.
My breasts are voluminous, but not nearly as lovely as the other ones.
What? Voluminous.
Vol-oo-minus.
I thought it was vol-u-mous? You don't exist yet! (LAUGHTER) You will exist soon! OK, let's meet our next team captain, it Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Thank you.
When he says thank you I keep thinking he is saying fuck you Kelly, you do not exist, fuck you! Gino, who is on your team? OK, on my right, she is a member of one of the most famous family - (KEITH LAUGHS) What? (AS GINO) What is she now? I have forgotten.
Let's do this, because otherwise it looks unprofessional.
On my right, sh (LAUGHTER) It is going to be a long night.
I have got your back.
I am Kelly Osbourne.
And I am from a very famous family.
(CHEERING) I am also a fashion designer and a fashion critic.
There you go, you are so welcome.
You are so sweet, thank you.
Gino, don't worry about Thomas.
Thomas, tell us who you are.
No, I want to do Thomas! (CHEERING) On my left all the way from This Is England, his name is Thomas I knew he'd struggle.
How you say it? It's a surname.
How do you say it? Turgoose.
Anyway (LAUGHTER) Can we get Fearne back, please? You cheeky bastard.
(LAUGHTER) Kelly, as Gino was trying to say, you are from one of the most famous families in the world: the Osbournes.
There is a picture there when the show was in its prime.
I was 15 or 16 in that picture.
It was the first family reality show.
Do you think they'll do another Osbournes? We have talked about it.
We did it on MTV, nothing like that had ever been done before.
If we're going to come back we want to do it in a way that has never been done before.
You don't all live together any more, do you? No, I am very happy about that.
They live down the road, I walk there and go through the fridge - Fuck off! Fuck off! No! I have been to your parents' house a handful of times and every time I have been your dad is always colouring.
He is not colouring.
He is.
He paints and draws, he's not colouring in a colouring book.
I go, 'All right? How is it going? Are you colouring?' He goes, 'Yeah.
' He paints and he draws with fancy felt-tip pens.
Not as fancy as these, I got him these.
He will probably really like these.
I will tell him these are from Keith.
He will probably be like, 'What the fuck is that?' It's Thomas Turgoose, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thomas from This Is England, 90? Yeah, could you not do some research? What happened to the other 89, then? (LAUGHTER) We all went on holiday to Ibiza that year.
I have heard that this is the last one.
The writer and director said he's put a full stop, but only in pencil.
He has left it open.
So, if he runs out of money he will do another one? Fuck it, I'll just chuck up 92! (LAUGHTER) You have been on Juice before, haven't you? I have, you nearly broke your neck! Were you 17 last time you were here? Yes.
Look at that! Second series.
I look really ill and scruffy on that.
Eh?/f Don't show the bit where I fall over.
Go on! No, no, if you show it (LAUGHTER) Don't ever show that clip again otherwise I will walk.
I will never do this show again.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino! (CHEERING) Gino! Gino! Gino! Please come back.
Do it, then! You couldn't even do the introduction! I am not psychologically ready to do it.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I'm not ready.
It is Adam Richman! (NEW YORK ACCENT) All the way from New York.
Is that what we sound like?! What is up with you? (LAUGHTER) Give me a fucking bagel and a cup of coffee.
(APPLAUSE) If you are delivering papers in 1920, you are probably right You are famous for your American TV show Man Vs Food.
For anyone who hasn't seen it, explain it.
It is a show I did.
It was travelling around the country to iconic eateries.
/fo I would take on an insane food challenge, something large, something hot, a physical element.
That sounds like sex.
It involved something going into my body and something coming out of it, but (LAUGHTER) If you had to fuck some food, what food would it be? If you had to? I think for me it would be a baked potato.
Just put a little hole in it and some cheese in so it's smoother.
Just melting nicely.
You have clearly thought about that.
Ask me another question, I have a brain, I will process it and talk.
If you were a woman, what would you choose to make love to? What would I choose? Your mum with a dildo on.
(LAUGHTER)/f (APPLAUSE) I've got one for you.
Would you rather sit on a cake and eat a dick, or sit on a dick and eat a cake? Quick, quick, quick! Sit on a cake and eat a dick.
(LAUGHTER) At least I will be comfortable.
Are you into your TV chefs? Some, I know more American.
Let's see how many UK chefs you know as we play (APPLAUSE) Who is the TV chef there? I do not trust a man with a mullet, so I will go with the guys on the right.
Let's have a look.
Bikers.
Hairy Bikers? Do you not know the two on the left? Who are they? He is from New York! (NEW YORK ACCENT) The Chuckle Brothers don't cross overseas! Are you a jerk off? (LAUGHTER) To me, to you, to me, to you! (APPLAUSE) Here are the next two.
Who is the chef? The left side.
No.
Who is the gentleman on the left? It is John Leslie who used to host This Morning, which is a programme that Holly works on.
And that is about as much as I can tell you.
(LAUGHTER) Here is the last one, who is the TV chef? You know who they are, but to me it is Tom Hanks.
I am going to say the one on the left.
Correct.
Correct.
The non-chef was Michael Barrymore, he was on TV, he was fantastic and that is probably all I can say! She will not go through your bins and shit on your lawn, but I wish she would, it is Foxes! (CHEERING) You are a very successful singer.
I think so.
You have won a Grammy.
I did, just.
(APPLAUSE) You are promoting your new single, Better Love.
I do not know why I am clapping.
What is the message? What do you think? Dumping your girlfriend that is not very attractive and going out with someone fitter.
It is your first time on here.
To make it a nice experience we have got some messages from all of your family.
This is from Foxes' family.
This one is your uncle.
Hello! Good luck on Celebrity Juice and don't forget, I'll see you at your Aunt Samantha's next week for dinner.
We can all play Twister together.
You bend in all the right places.
Ha-ha-ha! Boom-boom! Here is another message.
I listen to a lot of music and I really respect new artists.
That Foxes is like a modern-day Kate Bush.
I would do some nasty shit on her punny.
The one that I like the most is that Holly Willoughby,/font she can piss on me any time.
I really dig those white, podgy tits.
Look at that squirrel! (CHEERING) We have wanted to play this game for a while, but we have never had the right people on to play it, because the name of the game is (CHEERING) Hello and welcome to Get Loose From Thomas Turgoose.
Thomas Turgoose, as you can see, Kelly Osbourne is strapped to Thomas via Clingfilm.
She will need to get loose from Thomas Turgoose quicker than our director can eat a four-person trifle.
He has got to down that before they can get out.
Your dick is against my arse, I'm not really comfortable! You owe me a drink.
You will start on the klaxon.
Points for your team if you can do it quicker.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) I know how to get out of a sticky situation! That is a point to Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's next to play? (CHEERING) It's Foxes! (CHEERING) She will be attempting to get loose from Thomas Turgoose.
You are wrapped up in a washing line.
Can you get free from the washing line? There it is.
That is a lovely shot of it.
You have to do it quicker than our floor manager can unravel two sets of headphones.
He's holding onto it and he is on the other team.
I am really enjoying this.
You could have kept your pants on.
She has took her bra off! Are you ready? (KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) It is exciting, isn't it! How is it going? She is free! That is a point to Holly's team! OK, who's next to play? (CHEERING) Up next is Gino D'Acampo.
They have got sticky suits on.
You have got to hug each other like you love each other.
Imagine it is Kelly Brook, get stuck in.
(LAUGHTER) Turn over.
Why can I not play this with a girl? This is stupid.
His willy is going to touch my willy.
Have you done it before? Move on.
Come on, we have got a show to do.
Have you touched a willy before? We need to crack on, my shoulders are killing me.
You need to do it quicker than Holly can shell eight prawns.
Right in.
Push your bum backwards.
(KLAXON) Go! Gino! Gino! (LAUGHTER) How's it going, Holly? How many? How many? How many? Hold 'em tight! (APPLAUSE) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Pull it! Pull it! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) We will go to an advert break.
They will be released when we come back.
See you in three.
Coming up after the break Remember you have got your hoo-ha.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Hoorah! (CHEERING) Are you having a good time? I am.
I am.
I am.
I have come three times.
Foxes, what is the most rock 'n' roll thing you have ever done? The most rock 'n' roll thing I have ever done Toys R Us Yeah! Do you know about this? I do.
I am banned.
fon She's banned from Toy R Us.
You know as a kid you would always see the cars and you would want them but they were quite expensive and your parents would not really get them for you? So I went in as an adult and I was like, you know what? It was not fair that I did not get to ride one when I was younger.
So I got in one and, er You killed a child? No, actually, all of the cars fell down.
font color= And I just went straight out the door.
What are you fucking smiling at? You have been banned from Toys R Us as well, haven't you? Well, I am not technically banned.
Did it look like this? Run VT.
(LAUGHS) (RINGS BELL) (APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER) I tell you what, it has been about two weeks since we played this last game and I'm starting to miss it.
So I think we should play Do Not Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING) Because we have an American friend here, and someone who is British but lives in America, I am deciding that the theme is American things.
The rules are you must not stutter, you must not repeat yourself, you must not laugh.
You must not feed gremlins after midnight.
Whatever you do, do not show Keith your teeth.
OK, are you ready? Yes.
Statue of Liberty.
Twinkie.
In'N'Out Burger.
Venice Beach.
(INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT) Empire State Building.
Baseball.
Burger.
Barack Obama.
Statue of Liberty.
Michelle Obama.
A pedal bummer? Thomas? (INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) What? (BUZZER) Grand Canyon.
Thanks (LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT) Stevie Wonder.
Stevie Wonder? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Adam? I'm good.
(BUZZER) Stars and Stripes.
Star-Spangled Banner.
(LAUGHS) Star-Spangled (BUZZER) (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING) Adam, you have battled many foods on many occasions.
Yes, sir.
But instead of Man Vs Food, which is a bit sexist, here we are very metrosexual at Celebrity Juice.
You know, man, woman, humans, we're going to play Hu-Man Vs Food.
Hello, welcome to Hu-Man Vs Food.
In this round, Kelly Osbourne, you will attempt to shove as many marshmallows in your mouth whilst I will be shoving marshmallows into a quail's cavity.
So when the klaxon goes, you will consume as many marshmallows, not eating them, just putting them in your cavity.
Any cavity, it is up to you, really.
I would go for the mouth.
Is armpit a cavity? Is an armpit a cavity? No, it is not.
It is a crevasse.
Bollocks.
All right.
The adjudicators have told me it is either the gobbler, or the hoo-ha.
You should be so fucking lucky.
OK, there gobbler, the hoo-ha or the poo-pa.
None of them, except for my mouth.
Let's go for the gobbler.
When the klaxon goes, yes? Yes.
(KLAXON) Go! One.
Let me shove it in.
Get it all (AUDIENCE GROANS) That's proper minging.
Two.
MAN: 'Come on, Kelly!' Do not eat them, do not eat them.
Three.
It is a bit shy.
My face is fat already.
A bit shy.
Four.
Ooh, there is a sharp bit in there.
Hi.
You are watching ITV2, I am stuffing a quail with marshmallows.
Six.
Who is going to win? That is six.
How are you doing, Kelly? Mouth full, mouth full.
Seven.
Eight.
This lady has got a very sharp hoo-ha.
Nine.
Nod if you are enjoying it.
She is not enjoying it.
Ten.
Remember, you have got your hoo-ha or your poo-pa.
HOLLY: 'Go on, Kelly!' AUDIENCE: Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! (CHEERING) Look, look, look, this quail is loving it so much, its legs have popped up.
She is going for number 14 in the hoo-ha.
Or are you going to try the poo-pa? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look at the camel toe on that.
(LAUGHTER) What is this, 15? 16.
Fuck that.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I have got to get that out of my fanny.
Bloody hell.
I have lost one.
Food is the winner.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is disgusting.
Argh! We are going to an ad break now, see you in three.
Coming up after the break Come on, he is in, he is in.
Through the beef curtains, through the beef curtains.
Through the beef curtains.
(CHEERING) Hello.
Here I am outside.
Welcome back.
We are here for the ultimate Hu-Man Vs Food challenge.
I am here with Adam and Gino.
You are both associated with food.
You challenge yourself to eat food, you make food.
So who will be the winner in this: The Human Vs Food Assault Course? What you will do is, you will go through towards the Pineapple Express, you will run while pineapples are thrown at you by the food.
Next up, it is the Ba-goal.
You have to score a goal against the Bagel.
Then you have to face the Dreadful Beef Curtain.
You have to climb through the Beef Curtain, before you can move into the next part.
Waiting for you there at the bar is the Mighty Mushroom Man.
Where you will hopefully defeat him in a game of Paper, Scissors and a Stone before you can proceed onto the next part, the Valley Of Granola.
You must take off your socks and shoes and walk across the granola as you reach the next part of the course, it is time to face Another One Bites The Crust.
Here you will bite off the crusts of three pieces of toast.
You do not eat the crusts, you just bite them off.
Then you will go for the Couch Potato where you will hunt for the golden potato, facing outwards, using your hands only.
The winner will be the person who does in the quickest time.
What do we win? You will win, Gino d'Acampo, one point.
All of this production, all of this bullshit, one point? That is correct.
It is one point.
Why do you you not give five, six, seven, ten points? Apparently, the adjudicator has told me if you keep complaining, Gino, it will be only half a point.
One point.
One point.
Are you ready? Yes.
When you hear the klaxon, three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Oh, he is sprinting.
He is sprinting.
He goes through the pineapples.
Are you going to get a goal against the Bagel? No.
You've got to score a goal! No.
Come on, you can do it! Americans do not play football, they play soccer.
Come on.
He is in, he is in.
(CHEERING) Through the beef curtains, through the beef curtains.
Through the beef curtains.
Here we go.
Here is the Mushroom Man.
Paper, Scissors, Stone.
(BUZZER) Oh! (BUZZER) Socks and shoes off, socks and shoes off.
The granola walk is the most fearsome of all of the walks.
Straight over.
Straight over, straight over, straight over.
Bite the crusts off, bite the crusts off.
Ooh, look at that.
Triple.
He did it.
Find the golden potato.
That is an average potato, not a golden potato.
There is the golden potato! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) I can tell you that your time is Shitty.
One minute and 52 seconds.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going back live to Keith Lemon outside.
How did he do? How did he do? He did all right.
He did 1:52.
1:52.
Easy.
Are you ready? Yes.
What (KLAXON) Gino! Gino, just run through, take it.
Take the pain of the pineapple.
Take the pain.
Score a goal against the Ba-goal.
Come on, Gino.
Come on, Gino.
Come on, Gino.
Yes, it is in.
Through the beef curtain! Just get through, Gino.
Just launch yourself in.
Gino! Gino! Mushroom Man, Mushroom Man.
One, font co (DING) Yes, yes, yes.
Socks and shoes off.
Get the crusts off the toast.
(AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT) That is it.
Find the golden potato.
Nipple balm.
The golden potato, not a normal potato.
No looking, no looking.
Yes! Stop the clock! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, you were quicker on the Ba-goal.
You was probably quicker with Mr Mushroom.
Probably? You got slowed down here looking for the golden potato.
I can tell you there is 1.
6 seconds in this.
I can tell you that the fastest time was He is from New York, it was Adam! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Get to the couch.
Everyone get to the couch.
That is the end of tonight's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Come on, please, have we got it? She is from one of the most famous families in the world and she has lost! It was Holly's team! (CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon, if I do not see you through t'week, I will see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # FOXES: Better Love (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
There's Holly Willoboozy coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers! Gino D'Acampo's covering for Fearne while she's having a baby.
How is that possible (?) We are all here in heaven, but we're not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're doing the best telly show on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly! HD-ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Yeah! Woo-hoo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
I would like to apologise to one of the ladies.
When I was doing high-five when I came down, I think I smacked her tit! (LAUGHTER) I am sorry.
It felt good, I hope it felt good for you.
Let's meet our team captains.
One of them has got really big tits, it's Holly Willobooby! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you very much! (WOLF WHISTLING) Thank you.
Who is on your team? On my right I have the star of Man Vs Food, it is Adam Richm (CHEERING) And on my left, I have the foxiest of all pop stars, it is Foxes! (CHEERING) You're all right there? Indeed, this is a very good table to be at.
Is it a table or a desk? Either way, it is really a good place to be.
My breasts are voluminous, but not nearly as lovely as the other ones.
What? Voluminous.
Vol-oo-minus.
I thought it was vol-u-mous? You don't exist yet! (LAUGHTER) You will exist soon! OK, let's meet our next team captain, it Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Thank you.
When he says thank you I keep thinking he is saying fuck you Kelly, you do not exist, fuck you! Gino, who is on your team? OK, on my right, she is a member of one of the most famous family - (KEITH LAUGHS) What? (AS GINO) What is she now? I have forgotten.
Let's do this, because otherwise it looks unprofessional.
On my right, sh (LAUGHTER) It is going to be a long night.
I have got your back.
I am Kelly Osbourne.
And I am from a very famous family.
(CHEERING) I am also a fashion designer and a fashion critic.
There you go, you are so welcome.
You are so sweet, thank you.
Gino, don't worry about Thomas.
Thomas, tell us who you are.
No, I want to do Thomas! (CHEERING) On my left all the way from This Is England, his name is Thomas I knew he'd struggle.
How you say it? It's a surname.
How do you say it? Turgoose.
Anyway (LAUGHTER) Can we get Fearne back, please? You cheeky bastard.
(LAUGHTER) Kelly, as Gino was trying to say, you are from one of the most famous families in the world: the Osbournes.
There is a picture there when the show was in its prime.
I was 15 or 16 in that picture.
It was the first family reality show.
Do you think they'll do another Osbournes? We have talked about it.
We did it on MTV, nothing like that had ever been done before.
If we're going to come back we want to do it in a way that has never been done before.
You don't all live together any more, do you? No, I am very happy about that.
They live down the road, I walk there and go through the fridge - Fuck off! Fuck off! No! I have been to your parents' house a handful of times and every time I have been your dad is always colouring.
He is not colouring.
He is.
He paints and draws, he's not colouring in a colouring book.
I go, 'All right? How is it going? Are you colouring?' He goes, 'Yeah.
' He paints and he draws with fancy felt-tip pens.
Not as fancy as these, I got him these.
He will probably really like these.
I will tell him these are from Keith.
He will probably be like, 'What the fuck is that?' It's Thomas Turgoose, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thomas from This Is England, 90? Yeah, could you not do some research? What happened to the other 89, then? (LAUGHTER) We all went on holiday to Ibiza that year.
I have heard that this is the last one.
The writer and director said he's put a full stop, but only in pencil.
He has left it open.
So, if he runs out of money he will do another one? Fuck it, I'll just chuck up 92! (LAUGHTER) You have been on Juice before, haven't you? I have, you nearly broke your neck! Were you 17 last time you were here? Yes.
Look at that! Second series.
I look really ill and scruffy on that.
Eh?/f Don't show the bit where I fall over.
Go on! No, no, if you show it (LAUGHTER) Don't ever show that clip again otherwise I will walk.
I will never do this show again.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino! (CHEERING) Gino! Gino! Gino! Please come back.
Do it, then! You couldn't even do the introduction! I am not psychologically ready to do it.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I'm not ready.
It is Adam Richman! (NEW YORK ACCENT) All the way from New York.
Is that what we sound like?! What is up with you? (LAUGHTER) Give me a fucking bagel and a cup of coffee.
(APPLAUSE) If you are delivering papers in 1920, you are probably right You are famous for your American TV show Man Vs Food.
For anyone who hasn't seen it, explain it.
It is a show I did.
It was travelling around the country to iconic eateries.
/fo I would take on an insane food challenge, something large, something hot, a physical element.
That sounds like sex.
It involved something going into my body and something coming out of it, but (LAUGHTER) If you had to fuck some food, what food would it be? If you had to? I think for me it would be a baked potato.
Just put a little hole in it and some cheese in so it's smoother.
Just melting nicely.
You have clearly thought about that.
Ask me another question, I have a brain, I will process it and talk.
If you were a woman, what would you choose to make love to? What would I choose? Your mum with a dildo on.
(LAUGHTER)/f (APPLAUSE) I've got one for you.
Would you rather sit on a cake and eat a dick, or sit on a dick and eat a cake? Quick, quick, quick! Sit on a cake and eat a dick.
(LAUGHTER) At least I will be comfortable.
Are you into your TV chefs? Some, I know more American.
Let's see how many UK chefs you know as we play (APPLAUSE) Who is the TV chef there? I do not trust a man with a mullet, so I will go with the guys on the right.
Let's have a look.
Bikers.
Hairy Bikers? Do you not know the two on the left? Who are they? He is from New York! (NEW YORK ACCENT) The Chuckle Brothers don't cross overseas! Are you a jerk off? (LAUGHTER) To me, to you, to me, to you! (APPLAUSE) Here are the next two.
Who is the chef? The left side.
No.
Who is the gentleman on the left? It is John Leslie who used to host This Morning, which is a programme that Holly works on.
And that is about as much as I can tell you.
(LAUGHTER) Here is the last one, who is the TV chef? You know who they are, but to me it is Tom Hanks.
I am going to say the one on the left.
Correct.
Correct.
The non-chef was Michael Barrymore, he was on TV, he was fantastic and that is probably all I can say! She will not go through your bins and shit on your lawn, but I wish she would, it is Foxes! (CHEERING) You are a very successful singer.
I think so.
You have won a Grammy.
I did, just.
(APPLAUSE) You are promoting your new single, Better Love.
I do not know why I am clapping.
What is the message? What do you think? Dumping your girlfriend that is not very attractive and going out with someone fitter.
It is your first time on here.
To make it a nice experience we have got some messages from all of your family.
This is from Foxes' family.
This one is your uncle.
Hello! Good luck on Celebrity Juice and don't forget, I'll see you at your Aunt Samantha's next week for dinner.
We can all play Twister together.
You bend in all the right places.
Ha-ha-ha! Boom-boom! Here is another message.
I listen to a lot of music and I really respect new artists.
That Foxes is like a modern-day Kate Bush.
I would do some nasty shit on her punny.
The one that I like the most is that Holly Willoughby,/font she can piss on me any time.
I really dig those white, podgy tits.
Look at that squirrel! (CHEERING) We have wanted to play this game for a while, but we have never had the right people on to play it, because the name of the game is (CHEERING) Hello and welcome to Get Loose From Thomas Turgoose.
Thomas Turgoose, as you can see, Kelly Osbourne is strapped to Thomas via Clingfilm.
She will need to get loose from Thomas Turgoose quicker than our director can eat a four-person trifle.
He has got to down that before they can get out.
Your dick is against my arse, I'm not really comfortable! You owe me a drink.
You will start on the klaxon.
Points for your team if you can do it quicker.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) I know how to get out of a sticky situation! That is a point to Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's next to play? (CHEERING) It's Foxes! (CHEERING) She will be attempting to get loose from Thomas Turgoose.
You are wrapped up in a washing line.
Can you get free from the washing line? There it is.
That is a lovely shot of it.
You have to do it quicker than our floor manager can unravel two sets of headphones.
He's holding onto it and he is on the other team.
I am really enjoying this.
You could have kept your pants on.
She has took her bra off! Are you ready? (KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) It is exciting, isn't it! How is it going? She is free! That is a point to Holly's team! OK, who's next to play? (CHEERING) Up next is Gino D'Acampo.
They have got sticky suits on.
You have got to hug each other like you love each other.
Imagine it is Kelly Brook, get stuck in.
(LAUGHTER) Turn over.
Why can I not play this with a girl? This is stupid.
His willy is going to touch my willy.
Have you done it before? Move on.
Come on, we have got a show to do.
Have you touched a willy before? We need to crack on, my shoulders are killing me.
You need to do it quicker than Holly can shell eight prawns.
Right in.
Push your bum backwards.
(KLAXON) Go! Gino! Gino! (LAUGHTER) How's it going, Holly? How many? How many? How many? Hold 'em tight! (APPLAUSE) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Pull it! Pull it! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) We will go to an advert break.
They will be released when we come back.
See you in three.
Coming up after the break Remember you have got your hoo-ha.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Hoorah! (CHEERING) Are you having a good time? I am.
I am.
I am.
I have come three times.
Foxes, what is the most rock 'n' roll thing you have ever done? The most rock 'n' roll thing I have ever done Toys R Us Yeah! Do you know about this? I do.
I am banned.
fon She's banned from Toy R Us.
You know as a kid you would always see the cars and you would want them but they were quite expensive and your parents would not really get them for you? So I went in as an adult and I was like, you know what? It was not fair that I did not get to ride one when I was younger.
So I got in one and, er You killed a child? No, actually, all of the cars fell down.
font color= And I just went straight out the door.
What are you fucking smiling at? You have been banned from Toys R Us as well, haven't you? Well, I am not technically banned.
Did it look like this? Run VT.
(LAUGHS) (RINGS BELL) (APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER) I tell you what, it has been about two weeks since we played this last game and I'm starting to miss it.
So I think we should play Do Not Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING) Because we have an American friend here, and someone who is British but lives in America, I am deciding that the theme is American things.
The rules are you must not stutter, you must not repeat yourself, you must not laugh.
You must not feed gremlins after midnight.
Whatever you do, do not show Keith your teeth.
OK, are you ready? Yes.
Statue of Liberty.
Twinkie.
In'N'Out Burger.
Venice Beach.
(INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT) Empire State Building.
Baseball.
Burger.
Barack Obama.
Statue of Liberty.
Michelle Obama.
A pedal bummer? Thomas? (INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) What? (BUZZER) Grand Canyon.
Thanks (LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT) Stevie Wonder.
Stevie Wonder? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Adam? I'm good.
(BUZZER) Stars and Stripes.
Star-Spangled Banner.
(LAUGHS) Star-Spangled (BUZZER) (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING) Adam, you have battled many foods on many occasions.
Yes, sir.
But instead of Man Vs Food, which is a bit sexist, here we are very metrosexual at Celebrity Juice.
You know, man, woman, humans, we're going to play Hu-Man Vs Food.
Hello, welcome to Hu-Man Vs Food.
In this round, Kelly Osbourne, you will attempt to shove as many marshmallows in your mouth whilst I will be shoving marshmallows into a quail's cavity.
So when the klaxon goes, you will consume as many marshmallows, not eating them, just putting them in your cavity.
Any cavity, it is up to you, really.
I would go for the mouth.
Is armpit a cavity? Is an armpit a cavity? No, it is not.
It is a crevasse.
Bollocks.
All right.
The adjudicators have told me it is either the gobbler, or the hoo-ha.
You should be so fucking lucky.
OK, there gobbler, the hoo-ha or the poo-pa.
None of them, except for my mouth.
Let's go for the gobbler.
When the klaxon goes, yes? Yes.
(KLAXON) Go! One.
Let me shove it in.
Get it all (AUDIENCE GROANS) That's proper minging.
Two.
MAN: 'Come on, Kelly!' Do not eat them, do not eat them.
Three.
It is a bit shy.
My face is fat already.
A bit shy.
Four.
Ooh, there is a sharp bit in there.
Hi.
You are watching ITV2, I am stuffing a quail with marshmallows.
Six.
Who is going to win? That is six.
How are you doing, Kelly? Mouth full, mouth full.
Seven.
Eight.
This lady has got a very sharp hoo-ha.
Nine.
Nod if you are enjoying it.
She is not enjoying it.
Ten.
Remember, you have got your hoo-ha or your poo-pa.
HOLLY: 'Go on, Kelly!' AUDIENCE: Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! (CHEERING) Look, look, look, this quail is loving it so much, its legs have popped up.
She is going for number 14 in the hoo-ha.
Or are you going to try the poo-pa? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look at the camel toe on that.
(LAUGHTER) What is this, 15? 16.
Fuck that.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I have got to get that out of my fanny.
Bloody hell.
I have lost one.
Food is the winner.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is disgusting.
Argh! We are going to an ad break now, see you in three.
Coming up after the break Come on, he is in, he is in.
Through the beef curtains, through the beef curtains.
Through the beef curtains.
(CHEERING) Hello.
Here I am outside.
Welcome back.
We are here for the ultimate Hu-Man Vs Food challenge.
I am here with Adam and Gino.
You are both associated with food.
You challenge yourself to eat food, you make food.
So who will be the winner in this: The Human Vs Food Assault Course? What you will do is, you will go through towards the Pineapple Express, you will run while pineapples are thrown at you by the food.
Next up, it is the Ba-goal.
You have to score a goal against the Bagel.
Then you have to face the Dreadful Beef Curtain.
You have to climb through the Beef Curtain, before you can move into the next part.
Waiting for you there at the bar is the Mighty Mushroom Man.
Where you will hopefully defeat him in a game of Paper, Scissors and a Stone before you can proceed onto the next part, the Valley Of Granola.
You must take off your socks and shoes and walk across the granola as you reach the next part of the course, it is time to face Another One Bites The Crust.
Here you will bite off the crusts of three pieces of toast.
You do not eat the crusts, you just bite them off.
Then you will go for the Couch Potato where you will hunt for the golden potato, facing outwards, using your hands only.
The winner will be the person who does in the quickest time.
What do we win? You will win, Gino d'Acampo, one point.
All of this production, all of this bullshit, one point? That is correct.
It is one point.
Why do you you not give five, six, seven, ten points? Apparently, the adjudicator has told me if you keep complaining, Gino, it will be only half a point.
One point.
One point.
Are you ready? Yes.
When you hear the klaxon, three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Oh, he is sprinting.
He is sprinting.
He goes through the pineapples.
Are you going to get a goal against the Bagel? No.
You've got to score a goal! No.
Come on, you can do it! Americans do not play football, they play soccer.
Come on.
He is in, he is in.
(CHEERING) Through the beef curtains, through the beef curtains.
Through the beef curtains.
Here we go.
Here is the Mushroom Man.
Paper, Scissors, Stone.
(BUZZER) Oh! (BUZZER) Socks and shoes off, socks and shoes off.
The granola walk is the most fearsome of all of the walks.
Straight over.
Straight over, straight over, straight over.
Bite the crusts off, bite the crusts off.
Ooh, look at that.
Triple.
He did it.
Find the golden potato.
That is an average potato, not a golden potato.
There is the golden potato! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) I can tell you that your time is Shitty.
One minute and 52 seconds.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going back live to Keith Lemon outside.
How did he do? How did he do? He did all right.
He did 1:52.
1:52.
Easy.
Are you ready? Yes.
What (KLAXON) Gino! Gino, just run through, take it.
Take the pain of the pineapple.
Take the pain.
Score a goal against the Ba-goal.
Come on, Gino.
Come on, Gino.
Come on, Gino.
Yes, it is in.
Through the beef curtain! Just get through, Gino.
Just launch yourself in.
Gino! Gino! Mushroom Man, Mushroom Man.
One, font co (DING) Yes, yes, yes.
Socks and shoes off.
Get the crusts off the toast.
(AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT) That is it.
Find the golden potato.
Nipple balm.
The golden potato, not a normal potato.
No looking, no looking.
Yes! Stop the clock! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, you were quicker on the Ba-goal.
You was probably quicker with Mr Mushroom.
Probably? You got slowed down here looking for the golden potato.
I can tell you there is 1.
6 seconds in this.
I can tell you that the fastest time was He is from New York, it was Adam! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Get to the couch.
Everyone get to the couch.
That is the end of tonight's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Come on, please, have we got it? She is from one of the most famous families in the world and she has lost! It was Holly's team! (CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon, if I do not see you through t'week, I will see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # FOXES: Better Love (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)