Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e05 Episode Script
Rylan Clark-Neal, Robert Rinder, Sara Cox, Ben Hanlin
1 How do? I'm Keith Lemon and these are my Sweetheart titles.
There's Holly Willoughboozy coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy! There is Gino D'Acampo, who is covering for Fearne, while she's off having her baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven but don't worry we are not dead.
It's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it is Celebrity Juice on telly, HD ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
And, yes, # I have a man bun # I have a man bun And a lovely, sweet willy OK, let's meet your team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughbooby.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right, he is the star of Tricked, it's Ben Hanlin.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, holding court, it is Judge Rinder.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Rinder, Rinder, Rinder.
No, did they say, "Dream goal.
"? Putting Judge Rinder as one component? Is that how your J-Lo sort of made? No.
I did think it was quite clear, "Rinder", I heard.
I thought it was loud and quite clear.
Is that your real voice? Is that my real voice? What, do you think I, sort of, speak differently when I'm Are you like Gino in real life? From Dewsbury? IRISH ACCENT: Hey, I'm Judge Rinder.
All right, sort this problem out, you, you bugger.
You fucking bastard.
No.
All right.
Let's meet him, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOOING) Thank you.
CHANTS: Bruno, Bruno, Bruno.
What's with the ponytail? It's not a ponytail.
It's a man bun.
(LAUGHTER) I read it in magazines that everyone is having man buns.
With the frilly shirt It's in fashion.
It looks, kind of, a ginger Zorro.
He does! Yeah.
What have you got on your T-shirt? I've got nothing.
I've got a T-shirt, it's H-Einstein.
(LAUGHTER) H-Eistein! That is Gino trying to be posh.
AS GINO: It is H-Einstein.
Gino, who is on your team? On my left is my bit on the side, he is also my Big Brother, it is Rylan.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, straight from Up North, it is the DJ Sara C (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, it'S Judge Rinder in his house! On your show, Judge Rinder Yes? .
.
you settle out matters, family disputes and stuff.
Yeah.
There is no murder, is it? No, no, no we are waiting for the Christmas edition for that.
What if, like, a friend of mine had a dream that Holly Willoughby put her breasts in his face and then, in real life, that friend of mine asked her and she refused to put her breasts in his face Right? .
.
where does he stand legally? I As far away from me as humanly possible.
You have a new publication out.
Make the Law Work for You.
What is the message? The message is that anybody that's got any legal problem feels sufficiently confident to go to court or, better still, to settle things themselves.
It is an empowering book.
Do you feel empowered holding it? Well, I have been inspired by your publication Good.
.
.
and I've got my own book here.
Oh, excellent.
Here it is.
(LAUGHTER) Lemon's Laws.
Youyou read out some of my laws.
Don't skip a page.
II don't know what this means.
Can you read?! (LAUGHTER) Well, the first one makes Judge Rinder, can you read? Then, read! "Always remember to wash your hands after you finger blast a girl.
" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What is that? It is when you are intimate with a lady Why would you blast her? (LAUGHTER) Because they like it.
(LAUGHTER) Don't look at me.
Why would you blast someone? Would you, sort of, announce it? Would you say, "I'm" Do you mind if I finger blast you? That's in the middle of me saying That would ruin the mood, straightaway.
Exactly.
Let's have dinner, a drink and I don't suppose a finger blast is out of the question? Another rule.
Well, I mean, this is good advice for any shopper, I think.
"Never go through the back doors when a girl has recently eaten sweetcorn.
" (LAUGHTER) Very wise.
Respect.
You know about that, don't you, Ben? You know about that.
It sticks around for ages, doesn't it? # He's got white teeth # He likes to eat beef # Up his arse and in his mouth It's Rylan (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No What did he say? He said I think he thinks you are Conchita Wurst.
What?! He just asked me, did you do the Eurovision Song Contest? No, it was me! It was me.
It was great.
I really enjoyed it.
Rylan, the last time you was on the show, you had just got engaged.
When is the wedding? It is soon.
Have the invites gone out? A couple, yeah.
Where's my invite, you twat? It's somewhere (MUMBLES) Holly, have you got yours? I have.
Where's my invite?! (AUDIENCE BOOS) All right, I will put it out there now.
If you would like to come to my wedding, you are more than welcome.
Too busy.
I'm going to Paul Danan's wedding.
Is it true that Katie Price is a bridesmaid? No, Katie's not a bridesmaid.
Who is the bridesmaid? Claire from Steps is the bridesmaid.
She? You invited her, did you (?) What about Cheryl? You interviewed Cheryl and asked her if she would sing at your wedding and she said yes.
I interviewed Cheryl twice.
Two separate occasions on This Morning.
I said, "Will you sing at my wedding?" and she said yes.
If she don't, then she is just gonna look a right idiot now.
But why don't you give a message down camera five to her? Chel Will you please think at my wedding? Because it would be really nice.
Thanks.
(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT) Fuck off! She said, "Rylan, go fuck yourself with a bag of nettles.
" She watches this show.
Hi, Cheryl! Hi, Cheryl! That's a shame, innit (?) Could've been, like, the perfect wedding, couldn't it? You could have married them.
That is true.
Are judges allowed to do that? No, but I could get ordained online or something.
We could have had the wedding here.
Ben could have been the magician at the wedding, minesweeping, taking everyone's drinks.
Sarah could have been the DJ.
Holly could have been the pissed up tramp puking up on the dancefloor.
I could have been getting off with all the bridesmaids.
Lovely.
Gino, you weren't invited.
It's horrible, isn't it? Hey, of all the cocks, she's my favourite Cox! It's Sara Cox! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The last 15 years, I have, you know, watched Sara Cox.
You have watched cocks for the last 15 years? What were you saying? I have been fancying Sara Cox for the last 15 years.
You have been fancying "I have been fancying Sara Cox.
" I can see it in his eyes.
When I got the script, I was like, "Yes!" He met my dad backstage.
He was very charming, trying to get in with the in-laws.
Oh, yes.
Sara, am I seeing your name right? Because it is spelled S-A-R-A.
Yeah.
But Sarah has a H in it, yeah? Yes, but the H got knocked off when I started my not very super modelling career.
Did you give it to H from Steps? I put it on eBay.
On hBay.
H from Steps was nameless, living in a little tin can.
He got the H and the rest is history.
You have got a telly show out, haven't you? Yeah, the Great Pottery Throwdown.
And what happens? It is made by the same people who do Bake Off.
But it is pottery instead, so it is people at the potter's wheel, making all these amazing pots.
We have got these two incredible judges who are just mental, Do you think that is gonna be the next fad? Because with Great British Bake Off, everyone has started baking.
Because they never did before, and now everyone is baking.
Do you think everyone is gonna start doing pottery? It might be.
It is massively oversubscribed at night schools.
Is everyone gonna get shit vases the Christmas, then? Maybe! Piff, paff, puff, it's Ben Hanlin! Ben, you are a very good magician, but what I want to know is, why haven't you got a really exciting stage name like Dynamo or Paul Daniels? What my parents gave me, that was it.
Yeah, but when you got into magic, didn't you think, "I could change my name to something magical"? A bit wanky, that, innit? You have got a new series of Tricked out.
It started on Tuesday.
Yep.
You trick celebrities.
Yeah.
What is new in this series? This series, each episode has got a bit of a theme.
On Tuesday, it was a movie-themed episode.
Who have you got in that? Tom Cruise? Tom Hanks? Tom Hardy? Well, it was going to be that, but ITV2 budgets It's just Rylan again.
Have you got Rylan again? You have all heard of the Floating Hat Trick Game, haven't you? Who? Ben, you know about it, being from magic and all.
Er I'll tell you what, I want you to tell us how it is done.
I can't tell you how it is done anyway.
Why? I'd have to kill you and that.
What? The Magic Circle thing? I am not part of the Magic Circle, so go fuck themselves.
Who is the lord of the Magic Circle? Is it like a Gandalf character? There is a president of the Magic Circle.
I can't even reveal his name.
No, I can't tell you.
Honest Yeah, it is proper secret stuff, yeah.
I heard it was Alan Sugar.
What did you say? I genuinely heard it was Alan Sugar.
Are you for real?! Alan Sugar is the president of the Magic Circle?! I know he is business and all that, but I genuinely heard on the grapevine it's Alan Sugar.
And you know what? None of us know.
So if it does come out that it is Alan Sugar, fuck you all! Now it is time for the Floating Hat Trick Game! The Floating Hat Trick Game! Hello and welcome to The Floating Hat Trick Game.
As you can see, Ben here has a hat on his head with a spike on it.
At home, you may not be able to see that he has an invisible, opaque magical sheath on his face.
Everyone in the audience here can see it, but at home, you might not be able to see it because it is magical.
It will create the illusion that the hat is floating.
I have just told them how it is done.
I'm going to get thrown out of the Magic Circle.
I'm not even in it, so it doesn't matter.
What you have got to do, for a point for your team, is magically raise the hat until it bursts the balloon.
Do you comprehend what I'm saying? Say yeah or no.
Yeah.
Yeah, he does.
You will go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? Yeah.
You look good.
font color="#ffff00 On the klaxon (KLAXON) Blow! Blow.
The hat is raising, as if by magic! It is raising by magic! Wow! So magical! Whoa! It's magical! Look at the magic! It is floating before your eyes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He looks great, doesn't he? Ben Hanlin, everyone! That's a point for your team! Next up, it's Rylan! The Floating Hat Trick Game! OK, I am with Rylan.
You can see now - well, the audience can.
You at home probably can't see the magical opaque sheath he has on his head.
What you have got to do, Rylan, is just blow like you have never blown before out of your nose.
This is fucking up my filler.
(LAUGHS) You ready? Yeah! Go on the klaxon.
All right, all r Three, two, one (KLAXON) Blow! Blow! Blow! You are blocking your nose! You are blocking your nose! There it is! Keep blowing! Oh! Unlucky, Rylan.
That is no points.
We have an action replay, though.
Let's have a look at your efforts.
There you go, there you go.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We are going to an ad break now.
Go for a wee.
I will see you in three.
Coming up after the break Can you hear me? I'm happy.
Judge Judy is better than you.
Hellooooooooo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's Thursday, the start of the weekend.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? Yeah! Gino's team, are you having a good time? Yes! Audience, are you having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Rinder, are you having a good time? POSHLY: Yes.
(LAUGHTER) Judge Rinder, do you ever, like, send romantic text messages using emojis? No.
Do you know what an emoji is? Yes, sometimes people, when they sue each other, they bring them as evidence.
People bring emojis as evidence? Yes.
Say we have two people who are suing each other, one says, "I am not giving you back the money - :)".
That Rylan, did you know there is an emoji that looks like you? Here it is.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Rylan, I think you will enjoy this game, so let's play it.
Hello.
So, we are going to play Textual Healing.
What is going to happen is You can see this giant phone.
I am going to send some emojis on this screen here.
You will have to tell me what the romantic act is.
For example, I will send this one now.
What would that romantic act be? Yeah, I think I get this game now.
What is it? Teabag.
That is teabagging.
Correct.
So, Rylan, you have a lot of time to get as many as you can.
The emojis will appear for an obtusely eight seconds.
Each one, you get a point for your team.
Ready? Yeah.
Right, let's go.
Swim sleep.
Come sleep.
Water sleep.
Watersports! Wet dream! That is correct.
Carrecowface? Come on your face! Car back Fuck you in the car! Reverse cowgirl! Points for Holly's team.
Next one.
5-1 plus 69! That is correct.
Next up, it's Gino D'Acampo.
Ready? Go.
OK.
And I'm going to ghost car you with a key.
Ghost car you with a key?! I am going tokey ghost you.
Holly's team? Bukkake.
That's correct.
Bukkake! What the fuck is bukkake? Holly? I don't know.
Don't lie.
Judge Rinder knows.
I once had a client who used to perform in adult movies and she said, "I'm awfully sorry, I've got to leave the conference now.
I've got a bukkake i What is it, then? It is a group activity.
Sort of like playi only slightly more messy.
Is there a lineup? Yeah, it is like that.
It is a Japanese form of decoration.
(LAUGHS) That is correct.
OK, are you ready? Go.
And that's an orgy.
That's correct.
I am going with bee fist you.
I am gonna fist your bee? I am going toer Bee Holly's team.
Fisting.
Fist-ing! Fist sting.
That is disgusting.
Horrible, isn't it? When they pull it out and it is still open.
Oh, it's terrifying, mate.
I know, I know.
Horrible.
That's not love.
That's not love.
And plus, it's like, "Where the fuck is my hand?" I mean, what you get out of it? Hopefully my hand back! (BUZZER) Oh! Well done.
This should be interesting.
Next up it is Judge Rinder.
(APPLAUSE) 'Why did I do this show?' Are you ready? This is like Catchphrase for the mentally ill.
(LAUGHTER) Let's do this, baby.
Skeleton something or other.
Dead Oh, Jesus Christ.
That is, I suspect, irrepeatable.
That is a criminal offence.
Do you know what it is? Dead something.
Gino's team, do you want to steal? Is it 'I will skull-fuck you'? (LAUGHS) Yeah, that's correct.
Is it? What's skull-fucking? Next one, next one.
This is the one.
OK.
Ermdevil scissors.
Come on, you know this one.
I have absolutely no idea.
Gino's team.
Scissor sisters.
That's correct.
It is when two ladies, lesbians or bisexual women - or straight women, if they are up for it - basically open their legs like scissors and rub their fannies together.
(BUZZER) Klaxon, Judge.
Well done, both teams.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Ben, you did the trick on Kim Kardashian.
I did, I did.
There you are.
What are you wearing? You look like you are wearing fancy dress as one of The Monkees.
I was trying to be dapper.
What do you do to her? Shall I show you? font color= OK, good.
I'm going to do the trick I did the Kim Kardashian.
We will use you, Holly, if that's all right.
Yes.
Look, he's gone into magician mode.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What have you got? I've got a needle.
Holly, check that out.
Check that's a real needle.
Please don't do anything disgusting with it's because I'm a bit squeamish.
OK.
A real needle, not chocolate and not rubber, right? No, no, it's real.
No, no, no, no.
You have got to tell me what he is doing! Is that a real tongue? No, I don't like that.
I don't either.
It is definitely not there? Where is this coming out of? Just in case the cameras can't pick it up, how many are there, roughly? Nine.
Nine, ten? Touch the ends and check they are real.
Yes, they are real.
Are you insane? RYLAN: He has got something wrong with him.
I have just got to say, don't try this at home.
Don't put needles in your mouth.
Unless you are a massive virgin and one day want to be a magician.
You've just swallowed about 12 needles.
Shut up, shut up.
There is nothing in your mouth.
This is where it gets a little bit weird, right? It is already pretty weird.
Don't pull them out of your arsehole! See, if I do this I had a nasty shit earlier today, but it's not going to be as nasty as his shit.
Oh, don't do anything that will make me feel sick.
I don't like it.
Oh, no, I don't like it.
font col Oh, my God.
RYLAN: Oh, fuck off.
Oh, my God, that's so disgusting.
How did you do that? I bet it stinks.
Hey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is for you, Holly.
You get to keep this.
Eugh! Take it.
It is time for our next round.
An oldie but goldie - Shouting One Out! Word.
So, because we've got a magician in the house - of course, I'm speaking of Ben Hamlin - we have come to Bumwarts.
Every magician comes here and spreads gossip on the stalls - that's American for 'shitpots'.
What I'm going to do is pass some of that gossip down the stalls.
They have all got sound cancelling headphones on.
They get a point for their team if they get the gossip correct.
Let's see if those sound cancelling headphones are working.
Can you hear me? I am happy.
Judge Judy is better than you.
I am happy.
You are happy? Are you ready to start? OK, here is the gossip.
Olympic hero Tom Daley is marrying his boyfriend.
I wonder if he will wear his white Speedos when taken up the aisle.
Pass it on.
Somebody's boyfriend I have no idea.
Somebody's boyfriend has an extremely large penis.
Come on.
Can I get it one more time? Rylan's boyfriend has a He is very largely endowed.
Who the fuck is Rhino? OK.
Rylan's boyfriend has a very large penis.
That's what I heard.
My boyfriend has a very large penis.
The gossip was (READS) Oh, my God.
I said Rylan's boyfriend has a large penis.
I think I may have called him Ryman.
I think you did.
But when I researched, I got it wrong.
I looked it up and I bought a stapler.
So that's no point for Holly's team.
Up next, it's Gino's team.
(HOOTING) (HOOTING CONTINUES) It was the owl.
Hello.
Welcome to Bumwarts.
We've got celebrities in the stalls.
Let's check them and see if they can hear me or not hear me.
Sara? Word.
How's it going? Have we started? Not yet, no.
But I tell you, Gino has the hots for you big time.
How about you, me and Gino go and do a thing in my room after? Me, you and J-Lo? You can bring J-Lo.
Do you know J-Lo? J-Lo would be better than Gino for me.
Yes.
She said yes.
(LAUGHS) Ready? Here goes.
Prince Harry has a ginger beard but the Queen doesn't like it because beards are banned in the army.
It's not that funny.
Pass it on.
Prince Harry has got a massive ginger penis and it looks like a great big hammer.
Pass it on.
This will be good.
He can't even speak English.
Are you ready? Chris Evans, yeah hasn't got a massive penis, but good to put it in the shitter.
What did he say? Chris Evans hasn't got a big penis, but God gave it to Pope John Paul.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) It's not right, is it? Take the headphones off.
Was it something about Chris Evans? No.
Did you bring up the Pope? This is what Rylan got from Sara.
What did you get? I can tell you what I said was (READS) Where the fuck did you get Chris Evans from? So no points for Gino's team either.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! I am going for a sweet wee.
See you in three.
Coming up after't break - Holly, have you ever tried to look at your own arsehole in the mirror? (LAUGHTER) I have.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Judge Rinder, when you are judging people, you have a catchphrase on your show, don't you? It's not a catchphrase, sometimes I have to tell people that.
You can smell a lie like a fart in a lift.
That's right.
Do you think you can look at someone and detect when they're telling the truth or not? It depends.
I mean, I'd have to You know, I'd have to get their statements beforehand.
So I've got a solid sense before they come on.
OK, let's test it.
I'm gonna ask Holly some questions, I want you to tell me if she's guilty or not guilty.
Holly.
Yep? Do you look before you flush? No.
I'd say that's true.
She's a lady.
Definitely true.
She's not guilty? Not guilty.
Holly, have you ever had dirty thoughts about a relative? No! Guilty, not guilty? Definitely not guilty! Gino, have you ever had dirty thoughts about a relative? No, definitely not.
Do you have a large extended family? Yes.
Guilty.
(APPLAUSE) Holly, have you ever tried to look at your own arsehole in a mirror? She has! Look, she has! Guilty! She has! I have.
(APPLAUSE) I think it is good to know what is down there.
Get to know your body? Or if you are having an Immac? Like a wax? Yes.
But Holly, if you have a wax, do they then offer you a mirror and say, "Would you like to look?" Yes! Can you get a job as the mirror holder? No! That is not a job.
Holly, have you ever had your bum bleached? No.
Have you ever had your bum bleached? Rylan, you have had it done.
I got a free deal when I had my teeth done! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, it is all to play for in final round.
It's the Buzzer Round, but it's not the normal Buzzer Round, it's Body Part Buzzer Round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, you may have seen this a couple of weeks ago.
Rather than just buzzing with your finger, I want you to buzz in with your body part which is the answer to the question.
Got it.
I tell you what, I will give you a bonus point if that body part is skin.
Do you hear that? If it is skin, we get double points and we need points.
So, if the answer is "a white one", you would pop out a white one.
Don't shy away.
He has been getting me ready for this round.
"It's nothing, you just do this!" Holly, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: (CAMP VOICE) Order, order! Silence in court, please! That was Judge Rinder from the television show Judge Rinder.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: (INDIAN ACCENT) Bloody hell, those teeth are very big, sorry.
Yes, that is Rylan's dentist.
You are laughing, but I thought that was him.
The first question is, what two body parts did Kendall Jenner show off at a party in Paris last week? (BUZZER) Was it her arse cheeks? It was her arse but there was another sector of her body.
(BUZZER) Was it her tits? I will give you that.
It was her nipples and her arse.
What part of Dappy is 12 inches long on the slack? Gino's team? Dappy's penis.
That is correct.
Where did Victoria Beckham have a massive wet patch last week? (BUZZER) It looked like - it only looked like she had wet herself, but I think she had dropped a drink on her crotch.
Let's have a look.
We are not getting double points, though That is very unfortunate, isn't it? (KLAXON) Oh! That is the klaxon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is It is currently two-all in the series.
Is it? Holly has two and Gino has two.
If Gino loses this series, he will have to shave his hair off.
If he wins this series, he will get to host the first episode of next series.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! It is two-all.
(APPLAUSE) The winning team is WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Gino! Oh, come on! It's Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) CHANTING: Gino, Gino, Gino! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # MACKLEMORE AND RYAN LEWIS: Downtown
There's Holly Willoughboozy coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy! There is Gino D'Acampo, who is covering for Fearne, while she's off having her baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven but don't worry we are not dead.
It's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it is Celebrity Juice on telly, HD ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
And, yes, # I have a man bun # I have a man bun And a lovely, sweet willy OK, let's meet your team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughbooby.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right, he is the star of Tricked, it's Ben Hanlin.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, holding court, it is Judge Rinder.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Rinder, Rinder, Rinder.
No, did they say, "Dream goal.
"? Putting Judge Rinder as one component? Is that how your J-Lo sort of made? No.
I did think it was quite clear, "Rinder", I heard.
I thought it was loud and quite clear.
Is that your real voice? Is that my real voice? What, do you think I, sort of, speak differently when I'm Are you like Gino in real life? From Dewsbury? IRISH ACCENT: Hey, I'm Judge Rinder.
All right, sort this problem out, you, you bugger.
You fucking bastard.
No.
All right.
Let's meet him, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOOING) Thank you.
CHANTS: Bruno, Bruno, Bruno.
What's with the ponytail? It's not a ponytail.
It's a man bun.
(LAUGHTER) I read it in magazines that everyone is having man buns.
With the frilly shirt It's in fashion.
It looks, kind of, a ginger Zorro.
He does! Yeah.
What have you got on your T-shirt? I've got nothing.
I've got a T-shirt, it's H-Einstein.
(LAUGHTER) H-Eistein! That is Gino trying to be posh.
AS GINO: It is H-Einstein.
Gino, who is on your team? On my left is my bit on the side, he is also my Big Brother, it is Rylan.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, straight from Up North, it is the DJ Sara C (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, it'S Judge Rinder in his house! On your show, Judge Rinder Yes? .
.
you settle out matters, family disputes and stuff.
Yeah.
There is no murder, is it? No, no, no we are waiting for the Christmas edition for that.
What if, like, a friend of mine had a dream that Holly Willoughby put her breasts in his face and then, in real life, that friend of mine asked her and she refused to put her breasts in his face Right? .
.
where does he stand legally? I As far away from me as humanly possible.
You have a new publication out.
Make the Law Work for You.
What is the message? The message is that anybody that's got any legal problem feels sufficiently confident to go to court or, better still, to settle things themselves.
It is an empowering book.
Do you feel empowered holding it? Well, I have been inspired by your publication Good.
.
.
and I've got my own book here.
Oh, excellent.
Here it is.
(LAUGHTER) Lemon's Laws.
Youyou read out some of my laws.
Don't skip a page.
II don't know what this means.
Can you read?! (LAUGHTER) Well, the first one makes Judge Rinder, can you read? Then, read! "Always remember to wash your hands after you finger blast a girl.
" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What is that? It is when you are intimate with a lady Why would you blast her? (LAUGHTER) Because they like it.
(LAUGHTER) Don't look at me.
Why would you blast someone? Would you, sort of, announce it? Would you say, "I'm" Do you mind if I finger blast you? That's in the middle of me saying That would ruin the mood, straightaway.
Exactly.
Let's have dinner, a drink and I don't suppose a finger blast is out of the question? Another rule.
Well, I mean, this is good advice for any shopper, I think.
"Never go through the back doors when a girl has recently eaten sweetcorn.
" (LAUGHTER) Very wise.
Respect.
You know about that, don't you, Ben? You know about that.
It sticks around for ages, doesn't it? # He's got white teeth # He likes to eat beef # Up his arse and in his mouth It's Rylan (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No What did he say? He said I think he thinks you are Conchita Wurst.
What?! He just asked me, did you do the Eurovision Song Contest? No, it was me! It was me.
It was great.
I really enjoyed it.
Rylan, the last time you was on the show, you had just got engaged.
When is the wedding? It is soon.
Have the invites gone out? A couple, yeah.
Where's my invite, you twat? It's somewhere (MUMBLES) Holly, have you got yours? I have.
Where's my invite?! (AUDIENCE BOOS) All right, I will put it out there now.
If you would like to come to my wedding, you are more than welcome.
Too busy.
I'm going to Paul Danan's wedding.
Is it true that Katie Price is a bridesmaid? No, Katie's not a bridesmaid.
Who is the bridesmaid? Claire from Steps is the bridesmaid.
She? You invited her, did you (?) What about Cheryl? You interviewed Cheryl and asked her if she would sing at your wedding and she said yes.
I interviewed Cheryl twice.
Two separate occasions on This Morning.
I said, "Will you sing at my wedding?" and she said yes.
If she don't, then she is just gonna look a right idiot now.
But why don't you give a message down camera five to her? Chel Will you please think at my wedding? Because it would be really nice.
Thanks.
(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT) Fuck off! She said, "Rylan, go fuck yourself with a bag of nettles.
" She watches this show.
Hi, Cheryl! Hi, Cheryl! That's a shame, innit (?) Could've been, like, the perfect wedding, couldn't it? You could have married them.
That is true.
Are judges allowed to do that? No, but I could get ordained online or something.
We could have had the wedding here.
Ben could have been the magician at the wedding, minesweeping, taking everyone's drinks.
Sarah could have been the DJ.
Holly could have been the pissed up tramp puking up on the dancefloor.
I could have been getting off with all the bridesmaids.
Lovely.
Gino, you weren't invited.
It's horrible, isn't it? Hey, of all the cocks, she's my favourite Cox! It's Sara Cox! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The last 15 years, I have, you know, watched Sara Cox.
You have watched cocks for the last 15 years? What were you saying? I have been fancying Sara Cox for the last 15 years.
You have been fancying "I have been fancying Sara Cox.
" I can see it in his eyes.
When I got the script, I was like, "Yes!" He met my dad backstage.
He was very charming, trying to get in with the in-laws.
Oh, yes.
Sara, am I seeing your name right? Because it is spelled S-A-R-A.
Yeah.
But Sarah has a H in it, yeah? Yes, but the H got knocked off when I started my not very super modelling career.
Did you give it to H from Steps? I put it on eBay.
On hBay.
H from Steps was nameless, living in a little tin can.
He got the H and the rest is history.
You have got a telly show out, haven't you? Yeah, the Great Pottery Throwdown.
And what happens? It is made by the same people who do Bake Off.
But it is pottery instead, so it is people at the potter's wheel, making all these amazing pots.
We have got these two incredible judges who are just mental, Do you think that is gonna be the next fad? Because with Great British Bake Off, everyone has started baking.
Because they never did before, and now everyone is baking.
Do you think everyone is gonna start doing pottery? It might be.
It is massively oversubscribed at night schools.
Is everyone gonna get shit vases the Christmas, then? Maybe! Piff, paff, puff, it's Ben Hanlin! Ben, you are a very good magician, but what I want to know is, why haven't you got a really exciting stage name like Dynamo or Paul Daniels? What my parents gave me, that was it.
Yeah, but when you got into magic, didn't you think, "I could change my name to something magical"? A bit wanky, that, innit? You have got a new series of Tricked out.
It started on Tuesday.
Yep.
You trick celebrities.
Yeah.
What is new in this series? This series, each episode has got a bit of a theme.
On Tuesday, it was a movie-themed episode.
Who have you got in that? Tom Cruise? Tom Hanks? Tom Hardy? Well, it was going to be that, but ITV2 budgets It's just Rylan again.
Have you got Rylan again? You have all heard of the Floating Hat Trick Game, haven't you? Who? Ben, you know about it, being from magic and all.
Er I'll tell you what, I want you to tell us how it is done.
I can't tell you how it is done anyway.
Why? I'd have to kill you and that.
What? The Magic Circle thing? I am not part of the Magic Circle, so go fuck themselves.
Who is the lord of the Magic Circle? Is it like a Gandalf character? There is a president of the Magic Circle.
I can't even reveal his name.
No, I can't tell you.
Honest Yeah, it is proper secret stuff, yeah.
I heard it was Alan Sugar.
What did you say? I genuinely heard it was Alan Sugar.
Are you for real?! Alan Sugar is the president of the Magic Circle?! I know he is business and all that, but I genuinely heard on the grapevine it's Alan Sugar.
And you know what? None of us know.
So if it does come out that it is Alan Sugar, fuck you all! Now it is time for the Floating Hat Trick Game! The Floating Hat Trick Game! Hello and welcome to The Floating Hat Trick Game.
As you can see, Ben here has a hat on his head with a spike on it.
At home, you may not be able to see that he has an invisible, opaque magical sheath on his face.
Everyone in the audience here can see it, but at home, you might not be able to see it because it is magical.
It will create the illusion that the hat is floating.
I have just told them how it is done.
I'm going to get thrown out of the Magic Circle.
I'm not even in it, so it doesn't matter.
What you have got to do, for a point for your team, is magically raise the hat until it bursts the balloon.
Do you comprehend what I'm saying? Say yeah or no.
Yeah.
Yeah, he does.
You will go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? Yeah.
You look good.
font color="#ffff00 On the klaxon (KLAXON) Blow! Blow.
The hat is raising, as if by magic! It is raising by magic! Wow! So magical! Whoa! It's magical! Look at the magic! It is floating before your eyes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He looks great, doesn't he? Ben Hanlin, everyone! That's a point for your team! Next up, it's Rylan! The Floating Hat Trick Game! OK, I am with Rylan.
You can see now - well, the audience can.
You at home probably can't see the magical opaque sheath he has on his head.
What you have got to do, Rylan, is just blow like you have never blown before out of your nose.
This is fucking up my filler.
(LAUGHS) You ready? Yeah! Go on the klaxon.
All right, all r Three, two, one (KLAXON) Blow! Blow! Blow! You are blocking your nose! You are blocking your nose! There it is! Keep blowing! Oh! Unlucky, Rylan.
That is no points.
We have an action replay, though.
Let's have a look at your efforts.
There you go, there you go.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We are going to an ad break now.
Go for a wee.
I will see you in three.
Coming up after the break Can you hear me? I'm happy.
Judge Judy is better than you.
Hellooooooooo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's Thursday, the start of the weekend.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time? Yeah! Gino's team, are you having a good time? Yes! Audience, are you having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Rinder, are you having a good time? POSHLY: Yes.
(LAUGHTER) Judge Rinder, do you ever, like, send romantic text messages using emojis? No.
Do you know what an emoji is? Yes, sometimes people, when they sue each other, they bring them as evidence.
People bring emojis as evidence? Yes.
Say we have two people who are suing each other, one says, "I am not giving you back the money - :)".
That Rylan, did you know there is an emoji that looks like you? Here it is.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Rylan, I think you will enjoy this game, so let's play it.
Hello.
So, we are going to play Textual Healing.
What is going to happen is You can see this giant phone.
I am going to send some emojis on this screen here.
You will have to tell me what the romantic act is.
For example, I will send this one now.
What would that romantic act be? Yeah, I think I get this game now.
What is it? Teabag.
That is teabagging.
Correct.
So, Rylan, you have a lot of time to get as many as you can.
The emojis will appear for an obtusely eight seconds.
Each one, you get a point for your team.
Ready? Yeah.
Right, let's go.
Swim sleep.
Come sleep.
Water sleep.
Watersports! Wet dream! That is correct.
Carrecowface? Come on your face! Car back Fuck you in the car! Reverse cowgirl! Points for Holly's team.
Next one.
5-1 plus 69! That is correct.
Next up, it's Gino D'Acampo.
Ready? Go.
OK.
And I'm going to ghost car you with a key.
Ghost car you with a key?! I am going tokey ghost you.
Holly's team? Bukkake.
That's correct.
Bukkake! What the fuck is bukkake? Holly? I don't know.
Don't lie.
Judge Rinder knows.
I once had a client who used to perform in adult movies and she said, "I'm awfully sorry, I've got to leave the conference now.
I've got a bukkake i What is it, then? It is a group activity.
Sort of like playi only slightly more messy.
Is there a lineup? Yeah, it is like that.
It is a Japanese form of decoration.
(LAUGHS) That is correct.
OK, are you ready? Go.
And that's an orgy.
That's correct.
I am going with bee fist you.
I am gonna fist your bee? I am going toer Bee Holly's team.
Fisting.
Fist-ing! Fist sting.
That is disgusting.
Horrible, isn't it? When they pull it out and it is still open.
Oh, it's terrifying, mate.
I know, I know.
Horrible.
That's not love.
That's not love.
And plus, it's like, "Where the fuck is my hand?" I mean, what you get out of it? Hopefully my hand back! (BUZZER) Oh! Well done.
This should be interesting.
Next up it is Judge Rinder.
(APPLAUSE) 'Why did I do this show?' Are you ready? This is like Catchphrase for the mentally ill.
(LAUGHTER) Let's do this, baby.
Skeleton something or other.
Dead Oh, Jesus Christ.
That is, I suspect, irrepeatable.
That is a criminal offence.
Do you know what it is? Dead something.
Gino's team, do you want to steal? Is it 'I will skull-fuck you'? (LAUGHS) Yeah, that's correct.
Is it? What's skull-fucking? Next one, next one.
This is the one.
OK.
Ermdevil scissors.
Come on, you know this one.
I have absolutely no idea.
Gino's team.
Scissor sisters.
That's correct.
It is when two ladies, lesbians or bisexual women - or straight women, if they are up for it - basically open their legs like scissors and rub their fannies together.
(BUZZER) Klaxon, Judge.
Well done, both teams.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! Ben, you did the trick on Kim Kardashian.
I did, I did.
There you are.
What are you wearing? You look like you are wearing fancy dress as one of The Monkees.
I was trying to be dapper.
What do you do to her? Shall I show you? font color= OK, good.
I'm going to do the trick I did the Kim Kardashian.
We will use you, Holly, if that's all right.
Yes.
Look, he's gone into magician mode.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What have you got? I've got a needle.
Holly, check that out.
Check that's a real needle.
Please don't do anything disgusting with it's because I'm a bit squeamish.
OK.
A real needle, not chocolate and not rubber, right? No, no, it's real.
No, no, no, no.
You have got to tell me what he is doing! Is that a real tongue? No, I don't like that.
I don't either.
It is definitely not there? Where is this coming out of? Just in case the cameras can't pick it up, how many are there, roughly? Nine.
Nine, ten? Touch the ends and check they are real.
Yes, they are real.
Are you insane? RYLAN: He has got something wrong with him.
I have just got to say, don't try this at home.
Don't put needles in your mouth.
Unless you are a massive virgin and one day want to be a magician.
You've just swallowed about 12 needles.
Shut up, shut up.
There is nothing in your mouth.
This is where it gets a little bit weird, right? It is already pretty weird.
Don't pull them out of your arsehole! See, if I do this I had a nasty shit earlier today, but it's not going to be as nasty as his shit.
Oh, don't do anything that will make me feel sick.
I don't like it.
Oh, no, I don't like it.
font col Oh, my God.
RYLAN: Oh, fuck off.
Oh, my God, that's so disgusting.
How did you do that? I bet it stinks.
Hey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is for you, Holly.
You get to keep this.
Eugh! Take it.
It is time for our next round.
An oldie but goldie - Shouting One Out! Word.
So, because we've got a magician in the house - of course, I'm speaking of Ben Hamlin - we have come to Bumwarts.
Every magician comes here and spreads gossip on the stalls - that's American for 'shitpots'.
What I'm going to do is pass some of that gossip down the stalls.
They have all got sound cancelling headphones on.
They get a point for their team if they get the gossip correct.
Let's see if those sound cancelling headphones are working.
Can you hear me? I am happy.
Judge Judy is better than you.
I am happy.
You are happy? Are you ready to start? OK, here is the gossip.
Olympic hero Tom Daley is marrying his boyfriend.
I wonder if he will wear his white Speedos when taken up the aisle.
Pass it on.
Somebody's boyfriend I have no idea.
Somebody's boyfriend has an extremely large penis.
Come on.
Can I get it one more time? Rylan's boyfriend has a He is very largely endowed.
Who the fuck is Rhino? OK.
Rylan's boyfriend has a very large penis.
That's what I heard.
My boyfriend has a very large penis.
The gossip was (READS) Oh, my God.
I said Rylan's boyfriend has a large penis.
I think I may have called him Ryman.
I think you did.
But when I researched, I got it wrong.
I looked it up and I bought a stapler.
So that's no point for Holly's team.
Up next, it's Gino's team.
(HOOTING) (HOOTING CONTINUES) It was the owl.
Hello.
Welcome to Bumwarts.
We've got celebrities in the stalls.
Let's check them and see if they can hear me or not hear me.
Sara? Word.
How's it going? Have we started? Not yet, no.
But I tell you, Gino has the hots for you big time.
How about you, me and Gino go and do a thing in my room after? Me, you and J-Lo? You can bring J-Lo.
Do you know J-Lo? J-Lo would be better than Gino for me.
Yes.
She said yes.
(LAUGHS) Ready? Here goes.
Prince Harry has a ginger beard but the Queen doesn't like it because beards are banned in the army.
It's not that funny.
Pass it on.
Prince Harry has got a massive ginger penis and it looks like a great big hammer.
Pass it on.
This will be good.
He can't even speak English.
Are you ready? Chris Evans, yeah hasn't got a massive penis, but good to put it in the shitter.
What did he say? Chris Evans hasn't got a big penis, but God gave it to Pope John Paul.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) It's not right, is it? Take the headphones off.
Was it something about Chris Evans? No.
Did you bring up the Pope? This is what Rylan got from Sara.
What did you get? I can tell you what I said was (READS) Where the fuck did you get Chris Evans from? So no points for Gino's team either.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! I am going for a sweet wee.
See you in three.
Coming up after't break - Holly, have you ever tried to look at your own arsehole in the mirror? (LAUGHTER) I have.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Judge Rinder, when you are judging people, you have a catchphrase on your show, don't you? It's not a catchphrase, sometimes I have to tell people that.
You can smell a lie like a fart in a lift.
That's right.
Do you think you can look at someone and detect when they're telling the truth or not? It depends.
I mean, I'd have to You know, I'd have to get their statements beforehand.
So I've got a solid sense before they come on.
OK, let's test it.
I'm gonna ask Holly some questions, I want you to tell me if she's guilty or not guilty.
Holly.
Yep? Do you look before you flush? No.
I'd say that's true.
She's a lady.
Definitely true.
She's not guilty? Not guilty.
Holly, have you ever had dirty thoughts about a relative? No! Guilty, not guilty? Definitely not guilty! Gino, have you ever had dirty thoughts about a relative? No, definitely not.
Do you have a large extended family? Yes.
Guilty.
(APPLAUSE) Holly, have you ever tried to look at your own arsehole in a mirror? She has! Look, she has! Guilty! She has! I have.
(APPLAUSE) I think it is good to know what is down there.
Get to know your body? Or if you are having an Immac? Like a wax? Yes.
But Holly, if you have a wax, do they then offer you a mirror and say, "Would you like to look?" Yes! Can you get a job as the mirror holder? No! That is not a job.
Holly, have you ever had your bum bleached? No.
Have you ever had your bum bleached? Rylan, you have had it done.
I got a free deal when I had my teeth done! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, it is all to play for in final round.
It's the Buzzer Round, but it's not the normal Buzzer Round, it's Body Part Buzzer Round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, you may have seen this a couple of weeks ago.
Rather than just buzzing with your finger, I want you to buzz in with your body part which is the answer to the question.
Got it.
I tell you what, I will give you a bonus point if that body part is skin.
Do you hear that? If it is skin, we get double points and we need points.
So, if the answer is "a white one", you would pop out a white one.
Don't shy away.
He has been getting me ready for this round.
"It's nothing, you just do this!" Holly, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: (CAMP VOICE) Order, order! Silence in court, please! That was Judge Rinder from the television show Judge Rinder.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: (INDIAN ACCENT) Bloody hell, those teeth are very big, sorry.
Yes, that is Rylan's dentist.
You are laughing, but I thought that was him.
The first question is, what two body parts did Kendall Jenner show off at a party in Paris last week? (BUZZER) Was it her arse cheeks? It was her arse but there was another sector of her body.
(BUZZER) Was it her tits? I will give you that.
It was her nipples and her arse.
What part of Dappy is 12 inches long on the slack? Gino's team? Dappy's penis.
That is correct.
Where did Victoria Beckham have a massive wet patch last week? (BUZZER) It looked like - it only looked like she had wet herself, but I think she had dropped a drink on her crotch.
Let's have a look.
We are not getting double points, though That is very unfortunate, isn't it? (KLAXON) Oh! That is the klaxon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is It is currently two-all in the series.
Is it? Holly has two and Gino has two.
If Gino loses this series, he will have to shave his hair off.
If he wins this series, he will get to host the first episode of next series.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! It is two-all.
(APPLAUSE) The winning team is WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Gino! Oh, come on! It's Gino's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) CHANTING: Gino, Gino, Gino! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # MACKLEMORE AND RYAN LEWIS: Downtown