It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s14e05 Episode Script

1 ANNOUNCER [over P.
A.
.]
: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Philadelphia Zoo.
- Just a reminder that - Damn it.
Where is Frank? I'm not missing this lion feeding.
Oh, lions are cool, man.
For sure.
But, you know, the best exhibit's - the meerkats.
You know? - Meerkats! - [chuckles.]
- Hey, man, you know, they have those bubbles, you know, where you can pop your head up out of the ground - and look around.
- Yeah, you're looking around.
It's like you are a meerkat.
No, I'm not waiting for Frank.
I'm-I'm just gonna go in.
- No.
- 'Cause I-I don't want to wait here for the guy.
I know.
But I think we should I really feel like we need to stick together.
- Huh? - Dee, will you calm down? She got lost at the zoo - when we were seven.
It's fine.
- I-I got trampled - by wild animals at the zoo when I was seven.
- Sheep.
- At the petting zoo.
- Goats! - It was.
- You don't have to worry about that.
Okay, guys? Because modern technology has figured this out for us.
We're all connected now.
That is why I started this group text chain.
You know? So we can stay in constant communication.
I'm just gonna hit up Frank real quick, - and we'll find out what's up.
- [Dennis mutters.]
Guys, this way, nobody is gonna get lost, because the texting keeps us all on the same page.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Well, see, there you go.
- Frank's five minutes away.
- Great.
- No, no, no.
No, everybody knows that "five min away" actually means 20 minutes away, okay? I'm not missing this live feeding, okay? Dude, why the big deal about watching a-a lion eat a pile of dead meat? Oh, no, no, no.
Wrong.
Alive.
Okay? Quite alive, I assure you.
- That's a thing? Zoos do that? - That's a thing.
- - What's this? - Dennis has a boner? He does? - Yes.
- No, he doesn't.
- Well, goddamn it, he did.
I did.
It's gone now.
Uh, do we have to do this whole texting thing? - I mean, Dee's already annoying.
- She's always been annoying, Charlie.
That's why we ditched her when she was seven.
- You ditched me? - Oh, shut up, Dee.
Shut up! God, don't make this all about you.
- I'm-I'm going in.
I don't-I don't want to wait.
- Well, then I'm gonna - go with you, 'cause I don't want to get ditched again.
- Fine.
Whatever.
- Yeah, we'll catch up with you.
- Look, look, look.
And just text us when he gets here.
Who? Frank? Yes, Frank.
Who else would we be talking about? Oh, well, I just want to make sure - we're all on the same page.
- DEE: Oh, my God.
Text us when Frank gets here! Huh?! - Frank.
Text - Frank! What? Text us! Text us! BOTH: Text us when Frank gets here! I can't I can't You know what? - I can't Let me just I'm-a - Text 'em now.
I'm gonna text y Check your phone! - I'm gonna text you! - [phone clicking.]
- - [choir singing African music in foreign language.]
- [groans.]
God, I'm so thirsty.
- Yeah.
Well, that's the cinnamon in the churro.
- That'll make you thirsty.
- [groans.]
You know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna update the group.
- [grunts.]
- Why are you texting that? Oh, well, I just wanted to, uh, update the group on my status.
Yeah, but that's, like, a sexual thing, man.
That means you're thirsting for something, which means you're horny for it.
[laughing.]
Dennis is funny with the texts, man.
Huh.
Aw, come on.
Too late, Dee.
Goddamn it.
Where is Frank? I'm just You know what? I'm just gonna text him again, 'cause I don't know what the hell's going on.
Where you be? [exhales.]
Huh.
What does that mean? He's - It's a dancing woman, a smiley face and a gun.
- Oh.
I know what that means.
He's stuck behind a woman driver and he wants to shoot himself.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
All right.
Well, I'm just gonna update everybody.
- "Late.
" [smacks lips.]
- Yeah, but come on, man.
You keep sending updates with no new information.
No, no, I'm just keeping the whole group updated the way a meerkat might.
Yeah, but a meerkat's efficient in how it updates.
You know what I mean? Like, one little chirp, it can warn a whole group of, like, an eagle or whatever.
It doesn't need to, like, chirp over and over and over again, you know? I-I'm sorry, a-are you schooling me on meerkat knowledge? - Seems like I have to.
- Oh, oh, is that right? Well, first of all, smarty-pants, they don't chirp.
They chirrup.
Oh, yeah? You think you know a ton about the meerkat? Well, did you know that the alpha pair will scent-mark the subordinate to show that it's the leader? If they find the weak one, they start pissing all over it.
Yes.
Of course I know that, Charlie.
We watched the same documentary.
By the way, I'm not the one that passed out halfway through and scent-marked all over himself.
- I drank a case of beer, man.
- So did I.
- I also drank a case of beer, and I didn't piss myself.
- [mutters.]
All I'm saying is you don't have to text, like, - every three seconds, you know? - [sighs.]
Aw, goddamn it.
Where is Frank? I just - You're gonna text it again? - Yeah, I'm gonna - I just got to make sure everybody knows.
- It just means that you're you want you're horny.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Ah, Dennis g Dennis nailed it.
- What-what does that mean? - A peach is a butt.
You're horny for a butt.
[laughs.]
- I'm-I'm horny for a butt? - 'Cause you're gay.
- FRANK: Hey-o! - Sorry I'm late.
I had - Oh.
had to get a bag of bananas so I could taunt the gorilla.
It took you two hours to get bananas? Yeah, well, I was stuck behind that woman driver.
I thought I texted you that.
Yeah, we got that.
- Let's just go inside.
- I Aw, c Too late, Dee.
Come on.
- She sucks.
- Pick up the pace with it, - you know? - She sucks.
- I texted a peach.
- I already did that, Dee.
Oh, yeah.
There it is.
You know, speed's very important in comedy texting, Dee.
If it looks like you thought about it for a while, it's pretty lame.
- Yeah.
I know.
- Yeah.
Ooh, you know what I'll do? I'll do a fist.
Right? So it's like he's thirsty for a fist in the butt.
[snickering.]
I don't think anybody's gonna get that.
You know? Plus, the moment is long gone.
I mean - [snorts, laughs.]
- Goddamn it.
What No, that I was wrong.
That was funny.
I Oh, Dee.
Well, you guys are too fast on this thing.
- Don't answer.
I got this.
- Let me just - I can No, no! No.
- But you're Okay, go, go.
I got it, I got it.
Okay.
What's a funny thing I can Oh, my God.
Stop.
I - - - Go.
- Well, I mean - Look at that.
- Yeah, but - Quick.
Concise.
Job done.
- Whatever.
- Okay.
- No confusion.
[choir singing African music in foreign language.]
- All right.
Sea lions, here we are.
- Okay.
- All right.
Where are they? - Yeah.
I don't know.
- - - Mm? - Wait a minute.
- He said in front.
He's not in front.
- Eh.
- Exhibit ent - Entrance? Oh, come on.
I got to go rescue these guys at the exhibit entrance? Excuse me, sir? Sir? Yeah.
Um, h-how long do we have till the lion begins feeding? Uh, we're five minutes out.
Five minutes out? Okay.
Thank you, thank you.
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
I don't want to get lost.
No, I will not adjust my gait to accommodate your weird insecurities about sheep.
It was a goat, and it was a lunatic.
- Its eyes were going in every direction.
- Oh, were they? Fascinating.
- Tell me more! - He pounced on me, and then all of his friends moved in for the kill.
- Ooh! Terrifying.
Ooh! - Don't do that.
It was so scary! [hippopotamus grunts.]
- Oh.
- What does that mean? Shit, he's-he's having fun without us.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Mac, that's sarcastic.
If he was having fun, it would have an exclamation point.
I'm gonna de-escalate.
I'm gonna de-escalate.
- Probably pissed he can't find us.
- Wait.
- Oh, shit.
- What does that mean? - Oh - That's not g What it means is that he's already given the information and he doesn't want to have to repeat himself.
- So you got to scroll up and see.
- So, what Scroll up.
- Scroll up.
- Dennis hates to repeat himself.
Well, let's find what he's Ah.
"Went to C lions.
" Oh.
Shit.
Dude, do you think he went to the sea lions or he went to go see the lion? - Ooh - Oh.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Let me ask.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, I What'd you get wrong there? - [chuckles.]
- - - [scoffs.]
- Sea.
[chuckles.]
Um - Dude, just let me, all right? - Well, it's-it's the predictive te - It's better it's better with pictures.
- Went to sea lion or - Lions.
see a lion? Right.
- Oh.
He's mad.
- Oh, no, but -Yeah.
- No.
- No, it's got an exclamation point.
- That means it's happy.
- No, it's all - He's-he's screaming at you.
- Yeah, it's all caps.
- It's all caps.
-Screaming? - Yeah.
That's not good.
- That's - - What is this? - What-what is - What does that mean? What does that mean? I don't know.
Dee-Dee sucks, man.
- I don't know.
- She-she sucks.
- All right, watch this.
- [chuckles.]
How about that with the eggplant? - Oh.
Ooh.
We're coming.
- All right, let's go.
- All right, let's go.
- Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Oh, yeah.
"We're coming.
" Charlie made it work.
- Oh.
- Nice.
Nice.
Idiots went to the wrong exhibit.
All right, let-let-let's get back there.
I don't want to miss anything.
Come on.
Okay.
All right.
Well, stop walking like [panting.]
Hey, pal.
How's it going? Uh where's the lion? - Are we close? Are we close? - Oh.
Yeah, you just missed it.
Yeah, he's fed.
- He's back in his cage.
- Oh.
He ate the kill? He-he devoured the kill? - And I wasn't here? - No, the feeding.
Yeah, yeah.
- You just missed it.
It was awesome.
- No.
Man, you said we were five minutes out.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, but that was only ten minutes ago.
C-Correct.
No, but nobody does it that way.
The five minutes means 20 minutes, man.
You can't - It's the whole reason I'm here! - Uh Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
Hey, man.
You missed it.
It was awesome.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Oh.
[choir singing African music in foreign language.]
- [Frank mutters.]
- Uh Oh, oh.
He's thanking us for something, so that's good.
Dude, how are you so bad at this, man? He probably missed the feeding.
He's blaming us.
- Yeah.
- What? Shit.
You think? - Yeah.
- Probably.
No.
Hold on.
I'm just gonna send him something real quick - - and make sure everything's all good.
- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.
He says he's great, so we're fine.
- [laughs.]
- Dude.
- He's screaming at you, man.
- Yeah.
Screaming? Dude, this whole texting thing is your idea, and you don't know how texting works? No, he's He just did it in all capitals.
- That's screaming.
- That's a scream.
- That's what you do when you're screaming.
- That's not scream This is just all one big misunderstanding due to the sea lions, all right? I know what to do.
I'm just gonna speak from the heart.
Let me just text s-something from the heart that he's gonna understand, something a little bit - All right.
- Mmm.
Smell good.
Not really normal to the if I - Come on.
- Is there a? What rhymes with "limber"? What rhymes with it? - Hinder.
- How do you not get "timber"? - Timber.
- Timber.
And - Oh.
Salutations.
- And send.
- Okay.
- Ah, dude.
So, let's just give him a chance.
He's probably gonna take some time and respond to - Oh! - [Frank mumbles.]
- No, he responded.
- Yeah.
- Uh, "K.
" - [chuckles.]
You're dead to him.
- Yeah, he's blowing you off, man.
- "K" means "okay.
" - He is pissed, dude.
- "K.
" - Yeah.
- He is - "K" means "okay.
" - No.
- He didn't even bother to read your thing! - He just sent "K.
" - How could he possibly read that whole? - He read it! - He is pissed off at you.
- Dennis is the fastest reader in America.
- Can we just? - [ringtone playing.]
- Oh, now he's calling me.
- He's calling? - Oh, good.
Good, good, yeah.
You could just text, but no.
Call me, call me! - I want to hear from you.
- Okay.
You're gonna like this.
- Uh, what is that? - I called him the "F" word.
It's a bundle of sticks.
[laughs.]
No.
Dee, no.
You can't do that.
That's not funny.
Okay, y-you can't say that word.
I didn't say the word.
I did the pictures.
But it doesn't matter.
That's offensive, okay? And it's off-putting, and it's not a good color on you.
Blue? You're gonna go blue? Don't go blue.
That tells me that you're just not funny at all.
- [chuckles.]
Yeah.
- What? Frank nailing it again.
[chuckles.]
What's so funny about what you did? Well, it works on two levels, Dee.
It-it says that, uh, Frank's on fire and also that, uh, Mac is a raging flamer, which is still totally acceptable, for now.
I have an idea.
I have an idea.
Check this out.
What is that? I'm joking that maybe we should get the Jew lawyer and have an arbitration about what words we can and can't use to describe Mac's sexuality.
[laughs.]
[both laugh.]
[Dennis laughs loudly.]
Cool! Super funny and not the least bit anti-Semitic.
You get it! You get it.
Should we just get out of here? - Let's do that.
- Yeah.
Well, hold on.
- - Well, okay, but hang on.
Wait, Dennis.
Hey, excuse me.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Dennis, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Where'd you go? Where'd you go? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Dennis! - [groans.]
- Why won't Dennis answer my calls? Dude, who cares? Man, I'm so sick of this texting shit.
- Come on.
- It's like we're not even enjoying the zoo, man.
- No see no animals.
- "Missed your calls.
" - That's what it is.
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, dude, he - He missed them.
- He's lying to you.
- He's avoiding you.
Look, can we just go see the meerkats? - Please? Let's just drop it.
- [Frank mumbles.]
We'll go to the meerkats.
We'll have fun.
I want to go taunt the gorillas before they get fed and they're not hungry anymore.
Why do you even want to taunt a gorilla? What is that? Oh, it's hysterical.
I sit there, eat a banana real slow, and he comes up to the glass, and he's banging on the glass like the dumb ape he is.
It will bang its hands bloody trying to get the banana.
How is that funny? It's funny 'cause he can't get the banana.
All right, dude.
You know what? Go ahead.
Go taunt the gorillas, all right? But I'm going to the meerkats.
I'm not going with you.
Suit yourself.
[groans.]
All right, can we just go to the meer? What are you doing now? - What is this? - I'm just sending one last text.
You're gonna send another gi Another gi - Okay, it's gonna take a little bit of Oh! - Oh.
Oh, he read that so fast.
- He didn't read it at all! - I think Dude, he doesn't want to talk to you! Can we just please go to the meerkats, dude? No.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna hang out in the bathroom for a while.
You're gonna hang out in the bathroom? - Yeah, for a while.
- Why? It's a gay thing, so you really wouldn't understand.
- What? - Yeah, you know, it's, like, bathrooms at zoos are, like, big Grindr spots for closeted dads.
Dude, I know what's up here.
You're ditching me, man.
You're-you're ditching me so you can go beg forgiveness from Dennis, dude.
- It's so pathetic, man.
- No, I am not, Charlie.
- It's so pathetic, dude.
Dude, you're no meerkat.
- I am not! - I'm not doing th I am a Don't - I'll tell you - [gasps.]
- You're not a meerkat.
- Don't be - Meerkats stick together, Mac! Don't be like that, Charlie.
Of course I'm a meerkat, all right? Bullshit! Then why aren't you hanging with me?! I just want to go meet my needs real quick What about the needs of the group, Mac? I'm gonna meet the needs of the group, Charlie, after that, - but I just feel like Are you - [liquid splashing.]
are you pissing on me?! - Yeah.
- Oh, uh Direct eye contact? Yeah! [peeing continues.]
- Your neck's very high.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I'm done.
- Oh.
- [peeing stops.]
[pants zip.]
Don't look at me.
[groans.]
[man vocalizing African music.]
Goddamn it! [sighs.]
Dennis.
Y-You came to talk to me.
Unless this is, like, a Grindr situation? I came to piss.
Look, man, I know that you're mad at me, but when you said that thing about "C lions," - Charlie was like - Oh, that's a lie.
That's just a lie, because Charlie can't read.
All right, it was all my fault, but it was an honest mistake.
One thing, Mac.
I mean, I came here to see one goddamn thing, and you ruined it with your texting nonsense.
Yes, but I have some new information.
There's going to be another live feeding.
[man singing African music in foreign language.]
- Go on.
- Yeah.
A goat is to be sacrificed.
I heard an employee in here.
He was talking about it.
- Now, I offered to blow him, but he was like, "Nah, I'm" - Goat? [sighs.]
That's some Jurassic Park shit.
I like it.
But if you're gonna join me, you must follow my every command because, I swear to God, if you make me miss this one, too, I will feed you to the lions myself.
Okay.
[liquid splashing.]
Are you pissing on me? Yeah.
[peeing continues.]
You guys grinding? - Ah.
[laughs.]
- Hey! Where you a Where you at, you big, dumb baboon? [grunts.]
Huh? Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Where's the, uh - Where's the big animal? The Uh.
- Ah.
Annoying bird.
- The what? - Nah.
No, it's just the phones are they're so distracting.
Now, where's the big, dumb, you know, the ape, the animal? The-the-the silverback? Yeah, the dummy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, well, that's Andy.
Uh, Andy - Andy the dummy.
- [chuckles.]
: Yeah.
- He can be pretty shy.
- Yeah He can be Yeah.
So, yeah.
So, sometimes you have to - look to find him 'cause - Ah Oh, excuse me.
- - What does this bitch What is she talking about? I Hey! Hey! Hey! You big, dumb Where's my bananas?! Son of a You bastard! Give me those bananas! - [growls.]
- [Frank grunting.]
[growling.]
[gorilla chuffing wildly.]
Come on.
[phone clicking.]
- [man vocalizing African music.]
- Learn to read, idiot.
Goddamn it! - Okay.
- [goats bleating.]
So, this should be getting started any minute.
I'm gonna drop a quick pin because I think the guys - are gonna want to see this.
- Yeah.
You know, I got to say, something feels a little off to me a-about all this.
W-Why are we in the exhibit? That doesn't feel safe, you know.
And why are a bunch of children in the exhibit as well? Yes, that does seem a little strange, doesn't it? DENNIS: Hi-hi.
Uh, sir? Excuse me.
Uh, yeah.
When is the goat to be slaughtered? Excuse me? [chuckles.]
When is the goat going to be fed to the lion? Uh, my friend engaged in a sexual exchange for information and was told there was going to be a sacrifice.
Well, he tried but I said no.
- Oh, that's - It's not what you think.
[stammers.]
I think there's been some miscommunication.
This is the-the petting zoo.
We're feeding the goats.
We're not slaughtering them.
[man singing African music in foreign language.]
Uh - Dennis, I, uh - It's fine.
No, it's fine, Mac.
This is all fine.
- Why don't we just go to the next exhibit.
- Oh.
Cool.
Yeah, I thought you were actually gonna be upset with me.
Dennis? Dennis?! Dennis? Dennis! - Here you go, ma'am.
Have fun.
- Huh? What? - No.
What's this? - Okay, kids.
- Let's go! - [cheering.]
What? - [goats bleating.]
- [gasps.]
[Dee gasps, whimpers.]
No, get away from me.
[crying.]
No.
God, please help me! - [whimpering, crying.]
- [goats bleating.]
[choir singing African music in foreign language.]
["Circle of Life" playing, choir singing in foreign language.]
Circle of life And it moves us all [choir continues singing in foreign language.]
In the circle The circle Of life.
- CHARLIE [laughs.]
: Oh! - Meerkats! Meerkats! - That was amazing! - I knew what you were saying - by the looks on your faces.
- Yeah.
[chuckles.]
-Yeah.
Hey, guys.
I-I felt connected to you for the first time today.
Yeah, see, that's what it's all about.
- You know what I mean? - Dude, Charlie, that smile said a thousand words, you know? It was like, "I told you so," but also, "I forgive you.
" I understood everything.
- Yeah, I forgave you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I could tell, Mac, by the look on your face, that you really were sorry - about me having to miss that lion feeding.
- Mm-hmm.
And I-I really appreciated that, bro.
See, that's the thing, you know? Like, even though we were texting all day and we were in constant communication, I don't really think we were communicating at all.
- DENNIS: That's a real form of communi - Yeah, I am getting one, though.
- Yeah, me, too.
- I do want to Bowling ball, - water, eggplant, queen - [liquid splashing.]
Oh, Frank is pissing on Mac.
Very good.
- DEE: Yeah.
- Yes, I am.
- [laughter.]
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on.
- Oh, he is! - He is for real.
- Nice one.
- That's a great text, Dee.
- Thank you.
- Oh, ah You want a great text? I'm gonna - - DENNIS: No, no, Dee Dee beat you to it.
- Yeah.
- [laughs.]
- Huh? What do you think? Well, then, I'm gonna do one from the heart.
- I'm gonna do one from the heart.
- You liked it for real? DENNIS: Oh, Mac, I like that.
What is that? I mean, they are they're just funny.
It's the circle The circle Of life [choir singing in foreign language.]
[man speaking foreign language.]
[choir continues singing in foreign language.]
[trio chanting backwards.]