Live at The Apollo (2004) s14e05 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Kerry Godliman! Hey! Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
CHEERING Wow, it's very lovely to be here.
They let me host it.
What were they thinking? Oh, yes, I was so excited about hosting this, I was trying to be all laid-back and cool about it, but I was, HIGH-PITCHED: "I'm hosting Live At The Apollo!" So excited.
I wish I was laid-back.
I've always wanted to be laid-back, I've never been laid-back.
All my life I have wanted to be a laid-back person, I've worked really fucking hard actually on being laid-back.
And I'm just not naturally good at it.
I have worked on it.
I've read lots of books on it - How To Be Laid-Back, Laid-Back For Idiots, Juice Your Way To Being Laid-Back, Lean Into Being Laid-Back.
I read all of them, I took notes.
When I meet laid-back people, I'm very interrogative with them, I don't want to miss a learning opportunity.
I'm like, "How are you so laid-back then, mate? "Why are you so laid-back? "Why'd you seem to not give a shit about anything at all then?" "Hm?" You do have to check that they are laid-back and not depressed because it is quite It's quite easy, isn't it? To project things onto quiet people.
I've tried loads of stuff.
I've tried colouring in, I've tried adult colouring in.
That's a thing now, isn't it? Adult colouring in.
It's a zeitgeist I didn't see coming, the old adult colouring in movement.
I don't know if you have been to Smiths lately - whole aisles of adult colouring in books! And for the uninitiated, it's just colouring in! It's not adult colouring in.
People aren't sat at home shading labia.
It's just jungles and cats.
Wildlife.
People over the years for Christmases and birthdays have bought me the colouring-in books, right? Possibly to chill me out.
And I always show willing.
I'll start 'em, I'm like, "Go on, then, "I'll have a little colouring in.
" Very early into the process I'm like, "Oh, fuck this, I've got shit to do.
" I'm amazed anyone's got time for colouring in! How cocky are you about your life when you're fitting in colouring in? I have never looked at my life and thought, "Yeah, I'm really good at this.
I'm really good at being alive.
"I've got it licked, mate.
"I've done all the housework, that's all done, you can check that.
"And the kids seem fine, they're not googling porn.
"And I'm fit and healthy, I've done all the personal hygiene "and I've finished the internet now.
"Finished! "And I've read all the books and the world is in great nick, "I'm of no use out there, so what shall I do now? "I'll have a cheeky little colour in, I reckon.
"Going to have a cheeky little colouring in me time.
" I worry about it.
I overthink it.
What do people do with them colouring in books when they've finished them? Do they bin 'em, do they keep them, do they chuck them in the bin? Do they show them to their mates when they come round for a cup of tea? "Do you want to see my colouring in? "Come and see all my colouring in, colouring in "This is jungles, this is lions, it's all cats, big cats.
"This is trees, this is "I was having a breakdown if I'm honest when I did the cats.
"Oh, don't go, don't go!" I worry that it's the thin end of a regression wedge that we should all be keeping an eye on as a society.
What next? People doing Play-Doh at dinner parties? Don't talk to Julie, she's quite involved in her Play-Doh these days.
No-one gives a shit about me! No-one ever asks me about me, do they? I'm going to make a cat.
I tried all sorts.
I got a dog because I read an article that if you get a dog it chills you out.
It doesn't really, does it? Got all the same problems, but with a dog.
Got a dog now.
I've got to walk it now.
Got to walk the dog and I don't know if any of you have got a dog, but dog walkers are boring people, aren't they? Boring people.
And they always want to chat on a dog walk.
And you're like, "Oh, mate, I've got a podcast on the go here.
"You're going to have to raise your game.
" But they want to talk, they want to chat.
I can't think of anything to chat about on a dog walk with a dog walker.
I've got nothing in common with this person other than we've both got a dog and we're in this park.
I always think it shouldn't take long, this dog chat.
Is it a girl dog or a boy dog? What breed is it? Bye, then! Bye, bye, bye.
But they want to talk to you.
They're like, "Oh, isn't it nice having a dog? "It's like having a little mate, having a little dog.
" No, it's not like having a little mate.
"Oh, hello, you met my new mate whose shit I pick up?" That's a weird friendship.
If you ask me, that is a weird friendship.
My little mate who's very co-dependent and I've got a little warm turd in my coat pocket.
Never had any friendships like that in my life.
Well, one in the early '90s but I did have quite low self-esteem .
.
at that time.
So I do worry sometimes that not being laid-back is like part of living in London.
I live in London, lived in London all my life.
I always think if I moved away, maybe I could be more laid-back.
London is quite intense, isn't it? Is quite intense! It's quite in your face! Pigeons! Fly into your face most days.
And I've never lived anywhere else.
I think if I move to the countryside I might be more laid-back.
I don't know what goes on in the countryside, if I'm honest.
Apple bobbing, dogging, I don't really I haven't really properly researched it .
.
but I like the idea of it.
Or I'd like to live abroad.
The only time I have spent any length of time abroad was last year I went to LA, right? I mean, I was so excited to be there, I had to go there for a job, so I was there for six weeks.
I think part of the reason I liked it was because I got to be an outsider, because that's sometimes quite a nice thing, isn't it, to be exotic? Because when you're from the place you live in, the place you're from, you're not the exotic one.
So I was quite excited to be exotic for a little while.
I reinvented myself a little bit because they like the Brits out there in LA so I was like, right, I'll create this sort of cartoon cockney for myself.
You should have heard me I was like, "I'm having a right 2 and 8.
"Look at me old pony jam jar, I might be Pat and Mick "all over me Peckham Rye.
" I'm from Middlesex.
They don't really talk like that there, but I committed to it.
I was like, "Oh, the septic tanks lap this shit up.
" So And while I was there, I was quite laid-back because I suppose, you know, it's quite a different lifestyle out there.
It's sunny all the time, everyone's very health-conscious so I got quite into it.
Everyone was like doing yoga and, you know, drinking kale juice and enjoying the sun, being by the ocean.
And I was like, "Oh, my God, I could be quite laid-back here.
" People look cool, they are supercool, they dress really funky.
People wear hats.
They're not being ironic.
I mean, if you wear a hat in this country everyone is like, "What are you wearing a hat for, you prick?" But I did get homesick, right? I did get homesick in LA in the end.
And it struck me in a really unusual, unforeseen place.
I was in a shop, I was in Macy's in Beverly Hills.
I had to go in there to buy a bra, right? I had this dress and I didn't have the right bra for it.
So I thought, I'll go to a very glamorous shop and I'll get myself a new bra.
But I did have a few problems.
I was in there for a while because I couldn't find my size.
They had all the numbers but they didn't have all the letters.
So after a while, this woman came to help me.
I say woman, she looked like a shaved cat in a wind tunnel.
She said, AMERICAN ACCENT: "Can I help you at all?" I said, "Yes, you can.
" I said, "I'm trying to find a bra for myself and I can't find my size.
"I'm a 34 DD.
"Sometimes I come up an E.
" Then she looked put out, from what I could glean from the lack of movement in her face.
Just the movement in her eyes.
She was like, "We do not stock DD! E?!" She looked really pissed off.
And then I got a bit defensive because the implication is that my tits are wrong.
Then I got shitty.
I was like, "Well, hang on, this is America, isn't it? "There are big-titted women out there.
"Where are they getting their bras from then? A camping shop?" So then she calls her colleague across the shop.
"Amy, this woman here claims to be a DD.
" Then Amy, this other woman, pops her head up across this store of bras and knickers And knickers is a word that makes you feel British.
Knickers! No-one else says knickers.
They say lingerie and panties.
But we're like, "No, it's knickers!" "Here, Amy, have you got any pop-up tent bras "and apple-catcher knickers, babe?" So then Amy pops up.
She goes, "DD?! "We've got A, we've got B" I'm like, "I know how the alphabet works, Ame.
" She says, "Are you sure you're a DD?" I said, "Yes, I am sure, actually, because I'm from the UK, "and I was measured by a municipal woman in Marks & Spencer's, "as part of a government campaign!" APPLAUSE AND CHEERING "Actuallyyou see, in my country, everyone's wearing slightly "the wrong bra size, apparently, so we've all got to get measured "by a woman that looks like Miriam Margolyes, "and then she sends us out into the world, "'Oh, you're a DD, dear.
' So I know what I am.
" And in that moment I just wanted to be in M&S.
I've never felt a feeling so strong in all my life, cos I like to think of Marks & Spencer's as the citizens' advice bureau of retail.
It's a strong feeling, and I don't really know why, because it's not, is it? I mean, it's changed, of course it has.
It's like all the other shops.
I mean, I was in there recently, I was going up the escalator to get some knickers - knickers, packet of five .
.
and I was going up to the lingerie department - knicker department - I know some people are listening to this anecdote, thinking, "Oh, this is an interesting anecdote about the purchase of a bra.
" A couple of other people might be thinking, "Oh, bras, that's where tits live!" But .
.
to be honest with you, that's sort of the problem, really, isn't it? Because it's a remedial garment, a bra, on a par with a balaclava or a verruca sock.
And it's the sexualisation of it that I find irritating.
I was in M&S recently, and I got in a right strop because they've gone and done it now.
I was going up the escalator to the lingerie department - knicker department - and there was a massive poster, advertising this season's lingerie.
What do you mean, seasonal knickers? Who's got seasonal knickers? Who puts away their summer knickers at the end, you know, gets them all back out in September, oh, fit like last year, these knickers, don't they? Look at these seasonal knickers.
And the woman in the poster, I mean, this poster's extremely sexualised, right? She's lolling about in all the gear, with her mouth in a sort of cock receptacle situation .
.
as if to say, you know, "I have got holes.
" LAUGHTER I was like, no, not M&S! This is a sacred place.
It's medical, innit? It's medical really.
I mean, getting measured for one isn't titillating, actually.
It's a bit below a high school grope and somewhere above a smear test, as an experience.
It's medical, all right? You wouldn't make a dildo out of a Ventolin inhaler.
You seem delightful, are you ready for your first act? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You are in for such a treat.
This first act is absolutely wonderful, she's one of my favourites.
Please put your hands together for the fantastic Suzi Ruffell! # I'm not trying to pull you # Even though I would like to # I think you are really fit You're fit, but my gosh, don't you know it? Hello! How are we? CHEERING Good? Good, good, good, good.
I have recently realised something, Apollo.
I've recently realised something, and that is that one person in every friendship group is a bit of a party pooper, a bit of a boring Brenda, a bit of a dreary Derek, and I've recently realised that that person is me.
OK? OK, now, what's started happening to me is I've started getting invited to both stag dos and hen dos, and it's because I'm gay.
I know, I don't really need to come out when my hair's this short, you get the gist.
But, basically, I get invited to stag dos and hen dos, and I think it's because my straight friends look at me, and go "We don't know where you go.
" So I just get invited to everything.
Don't worry, I'm not going to bang on about being gay, I'm not going to bang on about being a lesbian, I'm not going to give you the ins and outs of it, because, to be fair, there's very little of that.
I came out years ago, about ten years ago.
I come from a very working class family in Portsmouth.
I remember coming out to my Uncle Marty.
I said, "Uncle Marty, I'm gay," and he went, "What, like, full-time?" And I said, "Yeah, cos if anything I'm doing it "more than 40 hours a week.
" He said, "I don't blame you, babe, I wouldn't fancy shagging "a geezer either.
" So, on the whole, they've been very supportive.
I'm not a dater.
Some people are daters.
That's how some people refer to themselves.
"Yeah, I guess I'm a dater.
" Who are these pricks? I hate them.
Some people love doing the dating so much, they want to do it on TV.
Imagine having that kind of confidence! Imagine getting in from a date and going, "Well, that went so well, "the nation should watch.
" And then applying for First Dates.
Who are these people? Because I love First Dates, love the date bit, lovely.
Hate that bit at the end, no thanks.
They've got to talk about each other? "Oh, great, did you enjoy your creme brulee? "Brilliant, come this way for the character assassination.
" No thanks! But the worst show by a mile, the TV show that I cannot believe exists, is Naked Attraction.
Right? WHOOPING Always a reaction! You know, what happens at this bit is there's always someone that's seen it and their mate hasn't, and they just go, "It's properly fucked up.
" That's what half of you have just done, isn't it, right? Let's find out, actually, by way of cheering.
Give me a cheer if you have not seen the TV show Naked Attraction.
CHEERING Right, OK, 90%.
What's your name? Emma.
Emma I'm going to explain, Emma.
I'm going to explain the concept of Naked Attraction to you, and you're going to think to yourself, "Here, Suze, previous to your gig tonight, "did you nip outside and smoke some crack?" Cos that's how mental it is.
Right, Emma A girl walks out on stage and she's like, "I'm looking for a boyfriend," and the host goes, "Brilliant! We've got six naked men in tubes behind.
" Then the host says to the girl, "What are you looking for?" And the girl will always do the same thing - she'll go, "Oh, my God, you've really put me on the spot.
" And you think, "No, you chose to come on this show, moron!" LAUGHTER She goes, "Erm, well, I guess I'm looking for a boyfriend, "but also a friend.
Erm Ha-ha! "I really like going, like, to European city breaks, "so maybe someone that likes travel, and I really like music gigs "as well, so maybe someone that likes music, "and I guess if I'm being really honest, "what I'm looking for is love.
" And the host goes, "Brilliant! "Let's see if you can find love by judging dongs, OK?" LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Six naked men in tubes! OK? Now, Emma, there's a screen in front of all of them.
Every round, the screen goes up a little bit more to show a little bit more of their naked body.
Every round, one man gets eliminated, until the end, she's got a couple of nudie fellas to choose from, OK? Now, Emma, first round, the screen just goes up to their knees.
There's always one bloke who's got really rough feet, really rough, like he was an extra in The Hobbit, and he just never took the feet off afterwards, right? LAUGHTER Now, she clearly looked at them feet, and thought, "Well, them trotters ain't coming home with me, right?" And you think, "Well, that's the end for him.
" Not the end, they don't They don't shoot him.
You think it's the end of the show for him, but it's not.
It's not the end of the show, because he then has the indignity of the screen going the whole way up, so you see his penis, and his face, and then he has the most awkward moment in television, where he steps out of his tube, walks over to her, and gives her the most uncomfortable hug you have ever seen.
LAUGHTER Where you can tell all he is thinking is, "Don't touch the lady with your dick.
"Whatever you do, don't touch the stranger with your dick.
" And then his sad little arse walks offstage.
Now LAUGHTER AND CHEERING In the next round, the screen comes up to the waist, and let's be honest, it is the round we are all watching for.
It's cock o'clock! Now, it's not going to come as a surprise to any of you There's a lot of people in this evening.
I bet it doesn't come as a surprise to one person in this room - I ain't seen many willies.
I ain't seen many of them.
I ain't seen many willies.
I ain't seen many.
I ain't seen I'm not a connoisseur when it comes to willies.
I was straight for a month when I was 18 - I don't have the wrists, OK? But even to me, even to the untrained eye, there was one that I was like, "Ooh, there's something up with him.
" There was something There was something just not quite right about it.
They're not meant to have a corner, are they? LAUGHTER Halfway through, it had, like, a proper corner.
Now, she clearly looked at that one, and went, "Ooh" But she can't do that, can she? She's got to go to work on Monday - she's not going to look a bitch on TV.
So instead she has to do a little lie.
Emma, see if you can see where she went wrong.
She went, "Erm, I'm going to have to get rid of number four.
" Colonel Weird Dick.
"I'mI'm going to have to get rid of number four, "because the way that he's standing, he doesn't really look like "a very confident guy, "and I'm only really attracted to really confident guys.
" And I thought, "He has his penis out on television!" LAUGHTER How much more confident would you like this twat to be? LAUGHTER CHEERING Then he had the indignity of the screen going the whole way up, so you see the willy that matches the face.
He stepped out of his little tube, walked over to her I don't know why, I thought he'd have a limp - he didn't.
Right, OK Then he gave her a hug - doubly awkward cos of the crooked cock, right - then it cut to him backstage, and you could tell he was embarrassed he'd been voted off the show so early, right, but he was fronting it out.
He was really fronting it out, like, "Yeah, yeah "Yeah, a lot of people probably think I don't feel very good "about myself right now, but I actually do.
"I actually feel really good about myself, "and I feel really confident about my body.
" And I thought, "Mate, you've confused confidence "with adrenaline.
" LAUGHTER "In two hours, you're going to feel like utter shit.
" Then he went, "Well, I suppose it's back to teaching for me.
" LAUGHTER, GROANING AND APPLAUSE Bet it's not! LAUGHTER You're going to be Mr Weird Dick for the rest of your career.
I suggest you retrain immediately, mate.
You've been a wonderful audience.
This is my absolute dream, to play live at the Apollo.
My name is Suzi Ruffell! I'll see you again.
Thanks very much! Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Suzi Ruffell! CHEERING Are you ready for your next act? AUDIENCE: Yeah! This next guy is absolutely wonderful.
He's been smashing it all over the world.
He's come all the way from South Africa.
Please, put your hands together for Loyiso Gola! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What's happening? HE CHUCKLES What's happening? What's happening? Here's the thing about you people, you don't greet.
I just Whoo! No, it's too late! LAUGHTER I came out with a big smile, and I greeted you - you just looked at me like I owe you money.
And it's a weird thing, cos I'm African, I greet, like, I greet - that's what we do as Africans, you know, we just greet friends.
We're like, "Hello!" You people freak out in the bus.
I'm like, "Hello, everyone" HE GROANS IN CONFUSION "Why is he talking to us? Bah!" Like, you people call each other all kinds of things, Like, without greeting, "Ah, you wanker! Ah!" LAUGHTER What? There's no African that will call someone a wanker without greeting.
Like, it's unheard of.
Like, I would have to You know what I mean? Like, as Africans, we greet first, "Hello.
How are you? "How are the kids? How's work?" And you'll be like, "Ah, no, everything is good.
" "Yeah, I said all of that just to call you a wanker, yes.
" There's no way I could just go straight into wanker, without I must let it build up a little bit, make you feel comfortable, then destroy you.
Pow.
I love it here.
It's nice.
When are you guys having another referendum? Ooh! LAUGHTER Can't wait for the referendum! Because for me, the referendum was silly, because you guys were trying to leave Europe.
It's physically impossible for you guys to leave Europe.
You are in Europe - where are you going to go? Cos you are not welcome in Africa.
You are not welcome.
You are not welcome.
You are not welcome at all! Fool me once.
Fool me HE CHUCKLES The last referendum South Africa had was in 1992.
1992, you know what was in question? Should apartheid end or should apartheid continue? But only white people were allowed to vote, yeah.
Oh, white people are amazing.
I love you, guys.
I love you.
I think you guys need to be more transparent when it comes to foxes.
I think you need to tell the world that you have foxes wandering your street.
LAUGHTER It Like, don't let us just find out on the street while minding I think it should be a thing that you talk about casually.
"We have the Queen, London Eye "Oh, yeah, foxes for days.
Foxes" Cos I was walking through Shoreditch High Street, right? Shoreditch High Street, first-world London, what did I see? Fox.
But not a fox running away from traffic - the most confident fox I've ever seen in my life.
This fox was investigating a crime, like, that's how confident You know when the fox is like, "Yeah, yeah, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm" And so now I'm rolling with my friends, and my friends are like You know, I said to my friends, "I have to acknowledge this idea of a fox, "because the fox is here now, like, now, like, the fox is there.
"It's a wild animal here, now, and everyone is calm.
" See the way you're calm? Everyone is calm.
I'm the only one who's freaked out about this whole issue.
So now I have to address the issue of a wild animal in first-world London.
LAUGHTER So I said to my friends, "Hey, I don't know much, "but I can tell you with confidence that that over there is not a dog.
"That's not a dog.
"That's not a dog.
That over there "It's not a dog, that thing there.
Then he said My friend said, "Oh, Loyiso, that's a fox.
"We've got tonnes of those.
" LAUGHTER Yeah, tell us before we come.
Tell us.
And he looked at me, and said, "Oh, you're from South Africa, yeah? "You should be used to wild animals.
" Then another friend of mine was, like, "Oh, that's a bit racist.
" I said, "No, it's not.
"I'm from Africa, we have animals.
You people travel to see animals.
"What's so racist about that?" Then I realised, you guys, as Britain, have fucked up so much in the world that your racism is like You have another level of racism.
Like, we have, like, you know, like, your The racism you guys discuss and talk about is, like, that nuanced, "Mmm, ooh, is it? Ooh, is it? Ooh" I grew up during apartheid South Africa - our racism was very, very clear.
You know what I mean? It wasn't, like, subtle, there's a grey area It was like, "Why can't we go to the beach?" "Because they're's a sign that says 'no blacks allowed'.
" "I don't understand.
What are we?" You know what I mean? Very straightforward racism, I like it - top-of-the-range, top-shelf shit, man, like Not this nonsense that I'm experiencing in London.
"Oh, I'm not Japanese.
I'm from Taiwan.
Bah, bah, bah.
" Listen, I'm LAUGHTER I don't live here.
I'm confused.
Leave me alone.
I'm not used to that racism.
I'm used of that top-range stuff, man.
And here's the thing, I don't know how to navigate myself through London, because it's so multicultural, I don't know who's going to get offended, I don't know who's You know, I just don't know, you know? But I did find that when it comes to gingers, it's open game.
Anyone can No-one gives a shit.
No-one gives a shit.
No-one No-one cares about gingers.
Like, you could kill a ginger.
You know that? You could kill a ginger, and you will get to the judge, he'll be like, "What happened?" "I killed a ginger.
" The judge is like, "Yeah, but it's a ginger.
I mean, what? "What did they expect you to do? Not kill them? "Kill the ginger.
Why would you not kill the ginger?" I went to Blackpool.
It's a piece of shit.
Erm LAUGHTER No, I'm joking.
I was in Blackpool, right, and I was doing some shows in Blackpool, and there was a white woman cleaning my room, my hotel room.
Now, you must understand, I grew up in apartheid South Africa.
I grew up in a very unequal society, so this, for me, was never experienced in my life.
There was a white woman cleaning my Ah! I was throwing shit on the floor while she was cleaning.
LAUGHTER Right? She was confused.
"Why would you do that?" I said, "I don't know how long this is going to last.
"I don't know if this is ever going to happen again.
"I'm trying to make it last as long as possible.
Sorry.
" I was taking pictures.
Click.
Sending it to the family WhatsApp group.
Everyone's like, "You are doing well, my boy.
"You are doing very well.
" You guys have been a cool crowd.
I've really enjoyed chatting to you people, so thank you very much for listening to my bullshit.
Goodnight.
Thank you very much CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH Loyiso Gola! CHEERING Have you had a good night? CHEERING You've been wonderful.
Put your hands together for all the acts you have seen tonight - Suzi Ruffell and Loyiso Gola! CHEERING I'm Kerry Godliman.
You've been brilliant.
Thank you so much.
Goodnight! CHEERING