Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e06 Episode Script

1 How do? I'm Keith Lemon and these are my sweet-arse titles.
There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of giant clam.
Check out them bangers.
There is Gino D'Acampo, who is covering for Fearne while she's having a baby.
How is that possible? We all here in heaven, but don't worry, we are not dead.
It is just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are the best telly show on't telly.
What is that telly show on't telly? You know what it is.
It is Celebrity Juice on't telly.
(CHEERING) Ahh! Ahhhh! Hello, my name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy.
(CHEERING) Hello.
Holly, who is on your team? Well, on my right, he is the reign-in-ing champion Oh, I will do that again.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, Gino, you can shut up! We will wait till we get to you in a minute.
On my right, he is the reigning champion of the X Factor, it is Ben Haenow.
(CHEERING) On my left, another gorgeous singing boy.
It's John Newman.
(CHEERING) My boys.
My singing boys.
It is Sheffield's finest.
It is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo! (CHEERING) Thank you.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino Thank you.
Who is on your team? Oh, God.
On my right, is a TV presenter psenter (APPLAUSE) It's Jameel Jamil.
Who is on your left? OK (LAUGHTER) Stay with me, boys, yes? On my left they are half of the biggest rock band in the world right now.
They are called Five Seconds of Summer and it is Luke and Michael.
(APPLAUSE) G'day, you flaming galas! How you going, mate? Yeah.
Now, there's four of you in the band.
Yes, I don't know where the other two are.
The other two are in Australia.
I think we have got a live satellite linkup to them.
Hello, boys? G'day.
Throw some prawns on the barbie.
Why is it upsidedown? Because it's in Australia! Have we got Ashton there and Callum? Don't worry, boys, you will get your turn.
That's what they keep telling us.
They're not in Australia, I saw them in the green room! We just thought it would be They are an Australian band, we thought it would be nice.
It looks like we got enough money to do a linkup to Australia.
It's just behind here.
(LAUGHTER) There are four of you.
Do you think four is a better number than five.
I would say four is a pretty good number because it is like two, two.
But sometimes (LAUGHTER) If we just put down We are all here right now.
Ashley and Callum, what do you think? Are you there? Let's go back to Australia.
Things are going really good.
Where did you get that picture? Is that your dad? You have got a new album.
I think it is here.
There it is.
Sounds Good, Feels Good.
I've got to ask this, what is the message? Of the album or the name of the album? Tell us about the album, mate.
It Sounds Good, It Feels Good.
What is the message? I can't tell if you are being serious or not because it is so hard to be serious Are you on the peripherals, then? Dude, I am 19, in a band! (APPLAUSE) Can we talk about the name of your band? Yes.
It is abbreviated to 5SOS, and your bands call it 'five soss'.
Yes.
Yes.
Like sauce.
Like sau It's a long name for a band, isn't it? Five Seconds of Summer.
That is why people abbreviate it.
Where does it come from, the name? It is actually Michael in his teenage bed, he made it.
He was having a quiet night in.
You are having your first wank and it was five seconds long? Hey, I remember my first time! That was pointless.
Hey, it is John Newman.
(CHEERING) From one Yorkshire man to another Yorkshire man, how do? 'Ey up! Y'areet? Aye, not to bad.
How's thee? Yeah, alreet.
font col Ehh Nice one, fair dos.
(LAUGHTER) Yorkshire have a lot of nice phrases, don't they? I think we're nice people.
We are.
I think you are a stylish man and a stylish dancer.
I have seen you move.
How would you describe the way you dance? Like a bird trying to fly with a broken wing.
That is a very good description.
I like that.
Show us what you see when you see him dance, Keith.
I will fucking show you.
(MIMES TO SONG) (CHEERING) Get up.
Show me how to do it.
Look at that! Heeeyyy! That is a good move, isn't it? (CHEERING & APPLAUSE) Do think you could shuffle, let's call it a shuffle, while dishing biscuits out? Yeah, I reckon.
Well, lucky for you Oh, my days! I will give you a point for your team if you can dish a biscuit out to each panellist whilst you are shuffling along.
All right.
Yaaay! He's looking at me like - you fucker! Are you ready? (CHEERING) John Newman, everyone! It is the X Factor winner it is Ben Haenow! (CHEERING) Ben CROWDED HOUSE: # Hey, now, hey, now # Never heard it.
Ben.
# Hey ya # Hey, Ben.
# Hey, now, you're an all star Get your game on # Go, play, hey, now # (LAUGHTER) I feel like we haven't seen you for almost a year because what happens normally on X Factor, someone wins, they bring out a Christmas song and they don't come out again until X Factor comes on.
Tell us the dealio.
What's been happening? That is it.
We kind of go on a tour after the show.
That is for almost a month and a bit.
And then I have just been locked away in studios recording, really.
As soon as you do the tour, that is when you start making an album.
Yes, just after.
You have got a new single.
If you was me, what do think the next question would be? 'What is the message?' No, what is the peripherals? What is the message, then? It hasn't got one.
No message.
It's about love.
It features Kelly Clarkson.
She also came from American Idol.
There you are.
She is going, "Who the fuck's he?!" You were a white van driver, weren't you? It was a black van.
A black van driver.
That sounds like fucking Mr T.
Does everyone think they know you? Yes, a lot of people do.
They shout your name in the street.
They start asking about your mum and you are like, "Yeah, she's fine" and then you realise they have no idea who you are.
Erm How is your mum? Yeah, she's all right.
Jameela Jamil, how do you feel? Jameela Jamil! (CHEERING) How is it going? All right.
How are you? You are getting you Yes, preparing myself.
Jameela Jamil, what have you been up to? I am currently filming a documentary about sex.
Sounds good.
That is a porno, you're making? No, I am learning about different kind of fetishes around sex.
An interesting one actually, recently, is goldfishing.
Have you heard about that? Goldfishing? Yes, this is horrible, by the way.
You take a goldfish and you put the goldfish inside the bum hole of the man.
And it is like flapping around.
Hitting the That is just it.
They only have a minutes memory, don't they? "Oh, shit, I'm in an arse! Where am I? I'm in an arse! God, it stinks in here.
Where am I? I'm in an arse.
" Can you use a tropical fish? The worrying thing about that is that you do have a tropical fish tank.
Can you imagine it, being out with your missus, and she says, "I'm feeling a bit frisky, shall we stop by a fair and pickup a goldfish?" "A goldfish? What do you want to do with a goldfish?" "Stick it up my arse!" "I saw it on a documentary on telly.
I love you!" Time for a VT round.
Do you know what that stands for? Vaginal Vaginal transmission? OK, we know.
Run the vaginal transmission.
I am going to show the Benjamin Button celebrity the series of food, but will they or won't they eat it? By the power of fast-paced televisual graphics, can I havet the celebrity and the food? It's one of my bezzie mates.
It is Harry Styles.
Any allergies? No.
Do like vegetables? like taties? What is that? Taties! Potatoes! Oh! Yeah.
/font Let's reveal what the food is.
The adult food is hummus.
Will Harry Styles eat the hummus? You probably know if he likes hummus? Yeah.
So are you saying he will eat the hummus? I don't fucking know! Yes! Yes.
Just say no.
No.
Holly's team are going no, Gino is saying yes.
Let's have a look.
OK, Harry.
It is hummus, adult food, I don't eat it myself because I don't like the taste.
Do you know what it is made out of? No.
It is made out of stuff and things.
Oh, jeez! Show us it is all gone.
I don't like hummus.
Think it is like mud.
Harry Styles likes hummus.
Is it all gone? That is correct.
Let's see what the next adult food is.
Sun-dried tomato.
Will he eat the adult food? Back to you in the studio.
That's a point to Gino's team.
The next one is sun-dried tomato.
I think the way he ate that, he is going to eat anything.
He's a modern kid.
We're going ding! I feel like tomato is where he stops.
It is a sweet, tasty t think it will be fine.
OK, do you like tomatoes? Yes.
/font sun-dried tomatoes? Never tried them.
Not nice? I don't want them complaining that we are making kids eat adult food.
You all right? OK, it is time to reveal the next food.
It is Caviar.
Will Harry Styles eat the adult food? Back to you in the studio.
Stick to your guns.
I knew he would not eat tomatoes.
It is like me as a kid.
The next one was caviar.
No one likes c do.
I disagree with this.
We are a team! font color= going to say no.
OK, no from Holly and from Gino, yes.
Do you know what it is? Shall I tell you now or afterwards? Afterwards.
DOn't spoil the fun.
I won't.
The spoon is close to his mouth, it is in.
Interesting.
What does it taste like? Salmony.
It is going down.
He is having it.
Let's have a look in the mouth.
It is all gone.
He ate the caviar.
That is a point for Gino's team.
The scores after that round are We are going to an ad break.
I am going to put a goldfish up my arsehole.
See you in a bit.
Coming up, don't burn your face off! (BURPS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, welcome back to Celebrity Juice, hurrah! (CHEERING) We've got Ashton and Calum from 5SOS.
5-SOS.
Who's the main one? The other guys.
Are they? Yes.
You openly admit they are the main ones? Well, no, but you got the shit half, definitely, right now.
We knew what we could do.
Well, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you.
5SOS, You must have heard of the five second rule, yeah? Yes.
We have got something called Five second fool, ya drongo! (APPLAUSE) # COUNTDOWN THEME Hello, Ben Haenow.
Welcome to five second fool.
Thank you.
What I am going to do is ask you some questions.
I want you to give me three answers.
You have got five seconds to answer with those three answers.
Do you understand? I understand.
Are you ready for the first one? font color="#fff OK, let's go.
Name three things that you would find in a fridge.
Cheese, milk and tomatoes.
(APPLAUSE) Name three things you put in your mouth.
Milk, cheese and tomatoes! (APPLAUSE) Name three things you get from a cow.
Milk, cheese and Soft cheese.
(WRONG ANSWER BUZZ) No? Where is the cheese pipe on a cow? You have not see it.
It ain't got a cheese tit, has it? (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Next up is Ash from 5SOS.
# COUNTDOWN THEME Right, Ash, how's it going? It is going well.
Are you ready? Yes, ready.
Name three parts of the body beginning with "T"? The The tibia.
The The The toes.
(WRONG ANSWER BUZZ) Come on, two out of three.
Oh, the tongue.
No, the tit! You also could have had the thumb up the arse.
This is stressful.
Gino's going to kill me.
GINO: You're shit.
Name three green foods.
Broccoli, cabbage, kale.
Yes! (APPLAUSE) Name three names for a woman's private parts.
Uhthe mun-cha-ha.
The The The Thevagina.
(WRONG ANSWER BUZZ) You could've had the hairy burger, the hairy axe wound, the gash, the minge, and, of course, the classic that all ladies love, the (BLEEP).
That is really quite romantic.
I know.
(KLAXON) Oh, there you go.
There you go.
Next, it is Holly Willough-boozy.
# MASTERMIND THEME Are you all right? Yes, are you? Yes, I think so.
Name three things that would fit in your hand.
Um An apple, pear and a banana.
(APPLAUSE) It is like Tourette's, you instantly think of the rudest thing.
Name three things that turn you off in a partner.
Hairy balls, smelly breath and fidgety in bed.
(APPLAUSE) Name three things that don't have arms.
Apples, pears and bananas.
(APPLAUSE) Name three things that I would like you to do to me.
Shit on your neck, give you a blowjob and let you come on my face.
Yes! (APPLAUSE) They were the top answers.
(KLAXON) Holly Willoughby, you got some points! And the scores at the end of that round are (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, do you know who Professor Stephen Hawking is? Eryes.
Well, he is a big fan of the show.
And he has sent us a fax.
Shall I read it? Yes.
OK.
"Dear Keith, I'm a big fan of Celebrity Juice and you and I are very similar.
We both like to push the boundaries of what is possible in the known universe.
Because of this, I would be grateful if you could do some experiments for me to test what is physically possible in the multi-verse of infinite possibilities.
Keep up the good work.
Yours scientifically, The Hawkster.
Recognise.
And say hello to your mum.
" (APPLAUSE) Well, we are indeed going to play a game called The theory of anything.
Hi.
Welcome to my very own laboratory.
We are going to do some experiments.
Simply because Stephen Hawking has asked us to do.
He watches us, I cannot believe he watches the show, it is amazing.
We are going to do some experiments.
We are going to (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Holly, you are not going to believe this.
What? Stephen Hawking is on the phone.
Is he, though? Really? Yes, I am going to put him on speaker phone.
Is it OK if I put you on speaker phone? OK.
I don't know how you do it with these old phones.
Hello? "Hello.
" Are you OK, Mr Hawking? "I'm very well, how are you?" I am good, thanks.
So, we are going to do some experiments.
If the experiment is successful, we will give a point to that panellist, for their team.
What experiment would you like us to do first? "Can you separate an egg yolk from an egg white with a U-bend of a toilet?" Who would you like to do that, Mr Hawking? "Gino.
" Gino, Gino's up first.
(APPLAUSE) Stephen Hawking is on the phone.
Is there anything you would like to ask him? Hello.
"I cannot understand what he is saying.
" OK, we are going to do the experiment.
Put that on.
I don't want to get egg yolk on your chinos.
Are they fresh eggs? Well, I think Holly laid these just before the show.
So they are quite fresh.
Are you ready? Yes, I am ready.
Go and do it then! (GURGLING) That is one! (SPLUTTERS) Science, it is for science.
Fuck with the science.
(GURGLING) That was good, huh? That was good! Some of these noises are very reminiscent of the time I was at the V Festival with a certain Holly Willoughby, when she said, "Don't use that toilet for solids, only for wees.
" And she went in there and it sounded like (GURGLING) (COUGHS) Last one for science, Gino.
(GURGLING) (APPLAUSE) Stephen, how did he do? Is that a point for his team? "That's a point for his team.
" That is a point for your team! (APPLAUSE) Hello, Mr Hawking, are you still there? "I am still here.
" What is the next science experiment? "Can you burp out a candle?" Can you burp out a candle? And who is doing that science experiment? "Mike from 5SOS.
" Mike from 5SOS.
(APPLAUSE) Just waiting for Mike, it is a long way from Australia Oh, here he is! Hey! How's it going? Hey! G'day, sport.
Right, for science, you have got to burp out a candle.
OK.
Here it is.
I will just light the candle.
You get your drink.
It will help you burp out the candle.
When you are ready, try and burp out the candle.
But don't burn your face off.
(BURPS) (BURPS) Goddammit! If you're a 5SOS fan, you can thank me for Michael here drinking pop, doing this for you guys.
(BURPS) Ohh! (BURPS) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Come on! Mr Hawking, is that a point for the team? "First, I need to see an action replay.
" Action replay.
/f Get in there! Mr Hawking, what is the next experiment? "Can you polish a dirty shoe with a trout?" And who do you want to do that? "Jameela.
" Jameela, everyone! Challenge is you have got to clean a dirty shoe, but with a trout.
Fuck off.
With a real fish? Yes, here it is.
No, has it got its eyes in? It is looking at me.
I wonder if it looks at you when you stick it up your arse.
Pretend it is a sponge, pretend it is a sponge.
Give it a good polish.
I am doing it.
It has got to be clean.
And we will be comparing it to a clean shoe afterwards to see if it is clean.
Fuck me.
OK.
This is so disgusting.
It is making it more dirty, there are scales rubbing off on the shoe.
Hi, you're watching ITV2, we're cleaning a shoe with a trout.
I hope you are enjoying this.
That is as good as it is going to get.
It is now polkadot.
Do you think you have finished? I think I am done.
Right, put it down.
We will ask Mr Hawking.
Mr Hawking, is that shoe clean? "No.
You cannot clean a dirty shoe with a trout.
" Let's compare it to a clean shoe.
I am afraid that is no point for your team.
Jameela, everyone! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mr Hawking, we are going to an ad break now, I'm going to go for a poo and clean my shoe with a fish.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after the break What has Kate apparently banned Prince William from doing? Goldfishing! Goldfishing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back.
My name is Keith Lemon.
This is Celebrity Juice.
John, you've got an album out.
It's here.
Revolve.
Strong word, innit? What's the message, though? I'm gonna say it quick cos you'll take the piss out of me.
No, it's about I'm just waiting.
No, it's about ermhow Oh, fuck it.
I'm not bothered.
No! I'm in the moment.
Oh, give him his moment.
What is the message, then? My message is that basically erm Oh, that's too long.
You've gotta get it out quick.
Go on, then! It's about the cycle of life and music and fashion and shit.
It was a good description.
All to play for now in the buzzer round.
(APPLAUSE) OK, Holly.
What's your buzzer this week? "I've got your jelly here, you fat cat!" I think that's your Aunty Jean.
Gino, what's your buzzer this week? "You drongo.
Your dinner's cold.
I've got prawns on the barbie!" That was my dad.
That's your dad.
What's your buzzer again? "I'm proud of our John, but he won't come round here any more.
" What were that? John's Aunty Florence, I think, Gino, what's your buzzer again? "Jameela, your dinner's going cold!" Jameela, that's your dad telling you your dinner's ready.
What did Caroline Flack break this week? "I've got your jelly here, you fat cat" That's Ben's Aunty Jean, so it can only be Holly's team.
Her arm.
It was only badly bruised, her arm.
Who recently asked Justin Bieber what he fed his cock? "You drongo.
Your dinner's cold.
I've got prawns on the barbie!" Gino's team.
His dad.
Correct.
His dad tweeted, "What do you feed that thing?" If my son has put a picture and he has a big schlong, I'd be likeall right.
Why might Duncan Bannatyne still be shitting outdoors? "I'm proud of our John, but he won't come round here any more.
" He is going into the I'm A Celeb jungle? That's the rumour, yeah.
Correct.
What has Kate apparently banned Prince William from doing? "You drongo.
Your dinner's cold.
I've got prawns on the barbie!" Goldfishing.
Goldfishing.
I know.
I think they watch the cake thing.
The cake off "I've got your jelly here, you fat cat" Make your mind up.
Let me finish my sentence! Is it to not bake cakes? Not bake cakes? No.
Back to Gino.
Not to eat cakes? Correct.
I know my royals.
(KLAXON) That is the end.
The winning team is What is the score at the moment? If Gino loses this series, we are going to shave his head.
If he wins, he is going to host the next episode.
So far, Gino, you are winning.
Am I? 3-2.
3-2.
Come on! You've grown your hair a bit.
I promise not to cut them.
Cut them? How many hairstyles have you got? They are many hairs Them? There are many hairs, so it's them.
Otherwise it would be it if it's one.
Don't worry about your hair.
This week's winner is Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! I am Keith Lemon.
Let's dance.
(CHEERING)