Archer s14e07 Episode Script

1
[thunder rumbling]
[Lana] Brand-new computers,
top-of-the-line
hacking capabilities,
high-def monitors,
simultaneous
audio-visual communications,
and tracking field agents
from location to pulse rate.
And this sends
an electromagnetic pulse
- to stop their heart. [panel beeping]
- No, it doesn't.
Ugh! Then why do we
even have this thing?
Now, sure,
this setup cost as much
as a small European village
[Cheryl] Ugh.
I own way too many of those.
[Lana] but this is how
I can finally
have control over missions
while they happen.
No more chaos,
no more agents not listening,
because I'll be in their ear
the entire time.
[spookily] Pretending to be
the ghost of their uncle
and slowly driving them mad!
[normally] Smart.
That's not what I'm doing here.
All I want is an end
to the insane collateral
damage we cause that eats up our profits
and makes us the butt
of everyone's jokes.
Did you hear the one about
how we get sent
on idiotproof missions
[laughing] but we just
become better idiots?
Yeah! 'Cause I screamed it
at you yesterday.
[sighs] Right.
- Wait that was you?
- But all that changes now.
This mission goes perfectly,
it'll show everyone
we are one of the best agencies
in the world.
Six agents, three countries,
one mission:
to shut down the international
online black market Dragon Run.
Holy shit! It's online?
The Dragon Run system
is programmed to delete itself
if any of the mainframes
get hacked,
so our agents need
to simultaneously
insert the malware drives,
which will upload the
criminal data to our servers.
And, oh, man, that sweet
Interpol bounty will be huge.
And I am the conductor
of this perfect symphony.
At what point in that sentence
did it get sexual for you?
Look, our agents may be
out there, but the real
battlefield is in here,
where I face the dogs of chaos
and bring them to heel.
[stately music]
[keyboard keys clacking]
[clears throat]
Bring them to heel.
[clacking continues]
And I brought a giant party sub
for everyone!
[all cheering]
[upbeat conga music playing]
[sighs]
[main title theme]
♪
[Lana] All right, everyone.
We'll be tracking you
on your body cams to lead you
through each of your missions
and get you to your respective
Dragon Run mainframes.
Make sure
to keep comms open so
What the hell is she doing?
[tapping microphone]
Hello!
[feedback screeching]
Lana? You saying something?
- Hello!
- What is happening, Greg?
Sorry, you were on mute.
But not anymore.
I think this equipment
is so new
and we didn't really
get any training.
Can team leaders confirm
everything is ready?
All right.
First, Team Ballsfor.
Oh, God, Pam, I'm not gonna
say, "What's Ballsfor?"
For slappin' your chin, dummy!
[Lana]
I said I wasn't gonna say it!
Well, Team Ballsfor is outside
the warehouse and prepping.
Has my objection to
team leader choice been noted?
Yes, I have your objection
right here in my notes.
"Ray whines about some bullshit."
It's not I have seniority!
Counterpoint: these guns!
Pow-pow!
I have bionic legs! I could
kick a hole right through you!
Ray, it's no big deal.
You're infiltrating
a Japanese warehouse
and Pam speaks Japanese.
Her being team leader
works for the mission.
That's not a real reason.
It's not like Zara or Krieger
speak Spanish,
but they're rappelling
into a Mexican cave.
I don't think caves speak Spanish.
Unless you count the echoes.
Hate to be pedantic,
but I speak Spanish fluently.
And we're not actually
rappelling into a cave
but into a Mexican cenote.
Well, it sounds like
you love being pedantic.
And it sounds like you love
being a whiny little bitch.
Damn! She nailed you.
Can the teams not communicate
with each other via the comms
to avoid crosstalk?
And can we check in
with team
Stiletto, seriously?
[Krieger]
What's wrong with Stiletto?
They're sexy,
and anyone can pull them off.
- Lord knows I can.
- Turns out, Krieger and I both like
to carry them with us
at all times.
[Lana] You're talking about
the stiletto dagger, right?
Yes, but we also like to
confuse people with homonyms.
- Love a good homonym.
- [laughs]
[both] Words!
Don't love that new friendship,
but it works for the mission.
According to the schematics,
you need to follow the pipes
to the back entrance
of the server farm.
And is it normal
to keep a bunch of tech
suspiciously close to water?
It is if you want to have
a shocking amount of fun.
The water is used as coolant.
Krieger just needs
to hook his computer up
to the mainframe
and shut it down.
Huh.
This is actually a good plan.
It's exciting to be impressed
by something.
Maybe for once,
I don't have to worry
about this team getting me killed.
Um, I think you mean me saving
you from getting killed.
The only thing
you're saving me from
is sexual attraction at work.
Once again,
No crosstalk, please.
Fine, Team Team Names
Are Stupid
checking in with two questions.
One, leaving me until last
is completely disrespectful.
[Lana] Not a question.
Two, why did everyone
get someone mildly useful
- except for me?
- [Lana] And you know why.
- [Cyril] Hey!
- Yes, Cyril. Hello.
- I know you're here.
- I meant hey as in, you're insulting me.
Wouldn't it be more surprising
if we stopped?
Well, Archer, maybe
if you hadn't almost killed us
on our last mission
Uh, uh, let's remember
I saved someone too.
- Like who?
- Myself. From boredom.
By blowing off the mission
and going
to the national
mud wrestling championships.
Which were great but very muddy.
Which was completely
off assignment.
Not to mention we traced the
office head lice breakout to you.
If it weren't for all that, you
wouldn't be in this situation.
Oh, so it's my fault
my scalp tastes delicious?
- Wait, so I'm the punishment?
- [Lana] No.
Archer's punishment was his
mainframe location being
[Archer] Ugh. New Jersey.
And Cyril being on his team
was just a screw-you bonus.
I can't believe I'm in New
York's lurching afterbirth.
I'm embarrassed
we send garbage here.
Back on mission!
Dragon Run uses
a distributed container model
for compute and storage.
That means we have
to do this synchronously,
or the other nodes take over.
- So, Pam
- And Ray.
And eye roll. We tapped
into the warehouse cameras,
and the northeast entrance
is your best way in.
Take out the two guards,
and use their badge
to get in the door.
Everything is happening
exactly as it should.
Just as I foresaw.
[Pam] Ugh.
Want to try that again
but a little less
Emperor Palpatine-y?
Silence when your leader is speaking!
I mean, that's what
you were gonna say, right?
[suspenseful music]
[grunts]
[gasps, grunts]
[bodies thud]
Yeah, we really needed
Japanese for that.
Stiletto, how're we looking?
Ooh, well,
I'm glad we were briefed
on the literal endless bats
above us.
- It's still a bit
- Intoxicating?
I was gonna say unsettling,
but those are not
interchangeable.
Don't worry, the control center
is using your comms to project
an ultrasonic tone
to keep the bats calm.
[Krieger] Wow, you paid extra
for the bat-calming package?
It came in a bundle
with other animal options.
Yeah, cool, cool, cool.
Uh, you know, just curious, uh,
you got one in there
that arouses squid sexually?
- [Pam] I thought you were into octopi.
- Well, I'm branching out. [gasps]
Like tentacles.
Krieger, you're never
touching this machine.
But yes.
[Zara] Wouldn't it be a better
plan to have the ultrasound with us?
[Lana]
No, controlling it from here
assures we stay on plan
without mistakes being made.
I don't like the implication
I make mistakes,
but I'll let it slide since
you're keeping the bats calm.
Yeah, because
if I've learned anything
from the bats I've taxidermized,
it's that they do not like
the sound of me laughing
when they're about to die.
You do taxidermy?
Cool.
It's a very efficient art form.
That's what you got from that?
Huh.
I am really not used to people
actually listening
to the content of what I'm saying.
Each team needs to let me know
when they hit the mainframe.
Archer, we're gonna tap
into the house security system,
and you can
Just walk into the house
after breaking the lock?
Because it's just a house in
the middle of the night, Lana.
Or did you want to deactivate
the doggy door and use
your fancy radio waves to
knock out the gnomes outside?
- I didn't see any gnomes.
- Shh! Cyril, did you hear that?
It was you killing the joke.
The house could just
be a decoy.
And remember, we're aiming
for no collateral damage,
so stay alert,
and find the mainframe.
Yeah, we'll also try not
to find hepatitis A, D, or E,
which is basically impossible
in Jersey.
This really seems like
a normal house, um,
which would be bad if we just
broke into it, right?
- [Archer] Oh, my God!
- What?
I just remembered! Frank
Sinatra is from New Jersey.
How could that be?
Please remember
that I'm monitoring you,
so stay on task
in a professional manner.
[Archer] This is
my professional manner.
Ms. Kane,
I brought you some nourishment
so you can keep your
strength up for the big battle.
Cheryl, the whole point of all
of this is to avoid a big battle.
We can finally get off
the treadmill of mediocrity
because we won't have
a huge mess to clean up.
No, I meant the worker battle
I've been planning
for when we're done
with all this.
It's to the death!
- Of course it is.
- Or
I could find the button
that can kill on command.
Like
- this one! [buzzer blares]
- What did you do?
What was necessary.
No, something happened
to one of the agents.
Their blood pressure spiked.
They might've been shot.
Is everyone okay?
Teams, check in now!
Team Ballsfor in position
with the mainframe.
- Yeah, because I found it.
- Yeah, congrats, Ray.
You spotted the door
marked "mainframe."
Which was in English.
We're good too.
Coming up on the mainframe now.
[Krieger] Although we are walking
a path the Mayans once believed
was a gateway
to the underworld,
so if this all ends
in a sacrificial death,
we'll be honoring tradition.
Well, then whose
blood pressure is
- Cyril, what the hell happened?
- Oh, God. We're going to jail for life.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't breathe.
Okay, so if the house is a decoy
and you're under fire, we can
[Archer] Oh, boy.
W-we're gonna need to hold.
Hold? God, Archer.
What did you do?
[Archer] This one isn't on me.
[Cyril whimpering]
If you guys are here to kill me,
I'd really appreciate you letting
me clear my browser history first.
[Cyril gasps]
[Archer chuckles]
[Lana] Cyril, your biometrics
are all over the place.
- You need to calm down.
- Calm down?
We are grown men who just broke
into a teenage boy's bedroom
- in the middle of the night!
- Cyril, you didn't even do anything.
I'm the only one this kid'll
bring up in therapy one day.
Right, kid?
- I mean, yeah, probably.
- See?
- Brag much?
- This is just a small hiccup.
It doesn't take us off mission.
I don't see what
you're worried about, Lana.
We pretty much usually always
complete missions successfully.
- Sometimes. Often.
- [Zara] Wow, a lot of modifiers there.
Yeah, and we always
cause a giant mess
and get all the blowback,
but not this time.
So, Cyril, you need
to calm down and focus!
This is like Cheetah Scouts
all over again.
You think it's your new start,
but it's actually a portal
to unimaginable horror.
Ugh, my mom is so desperate
for me to join Cheetah Scouts.
- Ugh.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
They thought I was cool
at my first Cheetah Scouts meeting,
but then they found out.
- They found out!
- Oh, wow, Cyril seems to be having
some kind of painful flashback.
Permission to mercy-shoot him?
What's the holdup here?
We're in position,
but someone will find
those knocked-out guards soon.
And if I were team leader,
I would've hid those bodies.
[mockingly] Well, pretty convenient
you're just saying that now!
Listen to me! This mission
is not falling apart!
- Not on my watch!
- [Cheryl] Yeah!
We don't know the meaning
of the word "hubris"!
Archer, can you find the mainframe
while the other teams
are still in position?
Well, it's not in this room,
unless it looks like
the Time Life subscription
to being a virgin.
- [Krieger] Dibs!
- A virgin with a hot mom.
[Krieger] Oh. Pass.
Wow. Hey, Trev.
Uh, what's her deal?
[Zara] Is now the time for this?
It might be.
I mean, what if she's
- dating right now or
- For the love of God,
stop with the crosstalk!
[Pam] Then why
can we hear each other?
I don't know.
Why can they, Greg?
[Trevor] Hey, listen.
If you guys are here about
[whispering] Dragon Run
[normally] I set up the
mainframe in the basement.
Wow, a teen hacker.
I read about that
in Overused Trope Magazine.
Dude, it was just
an after-school hobby.
Yeah, buying
and selling illegal goods
looks great
on a college application.
I don't even want to be a part
of it anymore.
Oh, did you not find a world
of ones and zeroes comforting
in the face
of your disgusting hormones?
Or did the girl you wanted to
impress not think it was cool?
- That's not what happened.
- Really?
- Who's your best friend?
- Laura.
But that's different, dude,
because I just have
to stick around long enough
for her to realize
she really likes me.
- I rest my case.
- All right.
I promise I will show you
to the basement
and the mainframe if you
promise not to tell my mom.
She would be so mad at me.
Oh, God, it's knot-tying
all over again!
Also, you have to promise
not to date my mom.
- [Cyril whimpering]
- Uh
[Lana] Oh, my God, Archer,
tell him that's fine,
- and get down there now!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lana,
let's not get ahead
of ourselves here.
- Archer, I swear to God!
- And she is God!
- Fine! Cyril, get the kid.
- Just grabbing a kid and taking him
into a basement
totally normal.
How long is this hold lasting?
We've got incoming guards.
[Lana] You are supposed to be
on top of this, Greg!
- [Greg] I am?
- [Lana] That is what this
control center is supposed to be for!
To handle any crisis that comes up
- before it becomes a disaster!
- Um, speaking of crisis,
none of these photos
seems to include a dad.
He, uh, died when I was a kid.
Oh, wow, tough break.
I'm so sorry.
I grew up without a dad too.
Uh, unrelated, did he die
from something contagious
that your mom might have?
- That's not unrelated.
- Let him answer, Cyril!
Archer, stop trying
to bang his mom!
Greg, why haven't you pulled up
the warehouse cameras?
- Because you didn't tell me to.
- Greg, you have one job!
Oh, is it reading your mind?
[static crackles]
[Lana] Thank you!
Now we can finally
[power whirs off]
Wait, what?
What's happening?
- Is this a cyberattack retaliation?
- Uh, I think this is what
the electrician meant
when he was all
[with New York accent]
"Blah, blah, blah,
"this control center uses a lot
of power, blah, blah, blah.
The building isn't built for it, blah."
What?
Why didn't you tell me that?
[normally] You know
what electricians are like.
- They'll say anything.
- That is not a recognized stereotype.
Can anyone at least hear us?
The console needs
a couple minutes to reboot,
but we can get audio.
- [Pam grunting] Son of a bitch.
- [Lana] Team Ballsfor, report.
[Archer]
Yeah, how's it hangin'?
- [Lana] Damn it, Greg!
- [Pam] Hold!
We need to hold, damn it!
[speaking Japanese]
[grunts]
[Ray]
Good thing you speak Japanese.
Okay, we need
to keep everyone in position
until the control center
comes back on,
which had better be
goddamn soon, Greg.
[Zara yelps]
[wings flapping]
[Zara] God, they're everywhere!
Oh, God!
The bats are everywhere!
Come on, the ultrasound
turned off too?
[Zara] No shit! I knew you
people would get me killed!
How hard is it to stick to a plan?
[Krieger] The bats always said
they'd get their revenge!
[bellowing] Vengeance, thy name
is tadarida brasiliensis!
[Archer] Huh, sounds like this
mission would've been easier
without the control center at all.
No, this control center
is the only thing
that is keeping this all
[power whirs on]
working!
Finally!
Now, I can see everything that's
[grunting]
- Hyah!
- [grunts]
[Zara and Krieger crying]
going horribly wrong!
Oh, my God!
Okay, guys, I need you to listen!
[Zara] We need to hold!
God, is this what hell is like?
Ow! Pretty close!
Wait, are Archer and Cyril
actually in position?
Yes, Lana,
because we didn't need
that unnecessary control center.
But I wouldn't mind
the footage from this
if those photos are the closest
I'm getting to that mom.
Actually, I'll just take a photo.
- Actually, I'll just sleep with her.
- No! You promised.
I promised not to date her,
Trevor.
For a teenager helping run
a black market,
you should be more aware
of treachery.
Remember this lesson.
We can use the control center
for the other agents.
Greg, turn the ultrasound back
on, and then tap into the warehouse
feed to divert attention
away from Ray and Pam.
[stomach gurgling]
[retches]
Hey, Greg, where are you
[all retching]
Wh-what the hell's going on?
Why is everyone getting sick?
[people vomiting]
Cheryl?
- Yes, Ms. Kane?
- Where did you get that party sub?
Duh, from the party sub store.
I bought it last week
and kept it under my desk
- so I wouldn't forget it.
- But you didn't eat any of it?
Of course not.
In solidarity with you.
Plus, it smelled so weird.
[growls]
Pam, please tell me you
and Ray handled the guards.
- [Pam] Yes, but we need to hold.
- [Lana] Why?
I gotta drain the clam.
Unless the control center
can empty my bladder.
Can it?
Cheryl, did you get the
ultrasonic cloaking back up
so the bats stop attacking
Team Stiletto?
Yes, by which I mean no
because I don't know what
anything you just said means!
The control panel manual
said it was user-friendly.
Where did Greg put
the damn manual? Greg!
Hearing this isn't inspiring
a lot of confidence.
Please tell me you have
a backup plan.
Ugh, uh, Krieger, do you know
anything about this system?
[Krieger] That depends.
Is it a model 27-0,
- or is it a model 27-Y?
- I-I-I don't know. Neither?
[Krieger] Oh, good,
'cause I was bluffing.
- I just made those up.
- Um, what's going on here?
[Cyril] Mom alert.
We have a hot mom alert.
- Repeat, hot mom alert.
- [chuckling] Nice!
I finished peeing, by the way.
Is Pam's bladder
really top priority?
Crosstalk, crosstalk, crosstalk!
[sighs]
Okay, to deal with the mom.
The plan is to try to access
the home security system.
Say there was an alarm
and that you're with the
- [Archer] Cheetah Scouts.
- Oh, my God. Archer, no.
Where's the nuclear button?!
- Did you say Cheetah Scouts?
- Of course.
I'm your son's
new Cheetah Scouts leader.
Right, and I'm his
assistant scout leader.
I'm actually in charge of knots.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Uh, but don't ask me
to show you any.
Yeah, and we're here in our
brand-new black ops
Cheetah Scouts uniforms
to welcome your son
to Troop, uh, 333.
Right, right.
That that's why they're here.
[chuckles]
Nothing else weird or illegal
- is happening here, Mom.
- [chuckles]
Or you could just not say
anything at all, kiddo.
Well, that is
great!
Oh, I'm so relieved.
When Trevor had me buy him
this fancy video game stuff,
I was afraid he'd never
do anything active again.
Well, Cheetah Scouts is very active.
Some might say too active.
And you don't have
to say anything either,
Assistant Scout Leader Cyril.
Well, thank God you two
are in his life now.
He could really use
some father figures.
- Mom.
- Hey, I grew up without a father,
so I get that more than anyone.
I guess you guys actually
handled that, uh, not terribly.
And they didn't need you
or the center at all.
You were totally useless.
Isn't that great?
- Right. Yeah.
- Well, if you two aren't busy,
any chance we could get
a heads-up
the next time dozens of guards
are coming our way?
[Lana] Ray, what's going on there?
Well, Team Leader Pam
thought it would be a good idea
to stash the guards
we knocked out in the closet.
Ray, that was your idea.
- [guard snarls]
- Oh, right.
It doesn't matter.
Everyone needs to get
their thumb drive in,
or we'll be compromised.
[grunts] It'd be great
if some attention could be
placed on getting us to the
mainframe without bat rabies.
You can just say "rabies."
[sighs] Okay,
since I clearly don't know
how to work this center
and some of you seem to be
just fine without it,
Krieger, how would you
get through the bats
if you were just [sighs]
on your own?
Oh, that's allowed?
Well, I'll be right back.
[gun cocking]
Oh, my God, Krieger just
pulled out this giant
electric light thing.
Oh, my God,
he's going after the bats.
It's brilliant!
It's like watching a ballet,
but instead of stupid dancing,
it's fighting off bats.
God, there's someone competent
at this agency,
and it's Krieger.
His personal backup plan
is so unique,
it could not have been
centrally planned.
Watching this
is an unforgettable moment.
Anyone who doesn't see this has
a worse life for having missed it.
It's always going
to be a mess, isn't it?
I will never be able to control it.
You mean IBS?
I'm afraid not.
No, no, the chaos,
the collateral damage,
it's just impossible to control.
Yes, it is, but, being caught
in a Sisyphean cycle,
you continue to fight against the
chaos that will ultimately prevail
because you're worried
about the external reaction
instead of looking
at the final result
and accepting some things
cannot be controlled.
We're talking about me
and the sandwich thing, right?
You know what?
Screw it.
Everyone, just find your way
into position.
Do whatever you need to do.
Archer, is the mom gone?
Um, yeah, you could say that.
It's so hard, you know?
They grow up,
and they're out of your hands.
As a fellow single parent, I
can tell you're doing your best.
Well, that's why I moved us
to New Jersey.
And what a great choice
that was.
I mean, Frank Sinatra's
from New Jersey.
[glasses clink]
Sounds to me like
we have a lot in common.
Whatever. As long as one
of you is in position.
Looks like I'm not
the weak link after all, huh?
Well, you basically did nothing,
and Archer, being Archer,
got you out of that.
- [Cyril] Thank you.
- Zara,
did you and Krieger make it
to the mainframe?
Yeah, but only because
Krieger was so brilliant.
Lana, your plan was shit,
especially since it held Krieger back
from doing the amazing things
he needed to do.
I mean, Krieger,
should we hang out more?
Only if you don't have
relatives or next of kin
- who'd ask questions.
- Pam, Ray,
please tell me
you have everything handled
- over there.
- [Pam] Ready. And I think Ray
should plug in the drive,
since he's joint team leader.
[Lana] Pam, no, y-you don't
actually have the power to
- Aw, Pam! You really mean it?
- I do, Ray.
Lana made me team leader
because people are still salty
about you selling out
our secrets to Fabian.
But then I made it up to y'all.
Total Raydemption.
That's not how trust works.
- [Lana] Pam!
- No crosstalk!
But, Ray, you having my back
in that fight
really showed me
that no matter what
Resolve that shit later.
- Plug in the drive in three, two
- Now! Do it now!
[dramatic music]
Team Ballsfor,
mainframe deactivated.
Team Stiletto,
mainframe deactivated.
Team Trevor,
mainframe deactivated.
No, no.
That's not our team name.
And you don't get to
you know what?
Team Cyril,
mainframe deactivated.
- Kaboom!
- Ugh. Don't be so desperate, dude.
All right, here we go.
All black market transactions
are frozen.
Uh, Dragon Run server is shut down.
And the data transfer
to us is complete! [beep]
- We did it!
- [Ray] Yay!
- [Krieger] Success!
- [Cyril] All right!
It's kind of worrying,
just how excited we are
that we did our jobs
without anything exploding
or catching fire
or the police getting called,
- but I'm not overthinking it.
- And Ray finally stopped bitching.
[Ray] Shut up, Cheryl.
- Never mind.
- Okay. Now all I have to do
- is upload the files to Interpol and
- What? No.
Get an office drone to do that
shit when they're done puking.
Uh, well, then when do I do?
[Cheryl] What the boss always does:
goes out and celebrates a win
that they had very little
to do with.
You know what?
You're right.
I need to trust my agents
and know that they
can get the job done
even if it's not the way I plan it.
- So let's go and get drunk.
- Yay!
Leave it.
[with New York accent]
You got it, boss.
[electricity crackling]
[Pam] Control?
Our only way out of here
is covered with gunmen.
Is there another exit?
[Ray] Yeah, or maybe
we could get an extraction.
[Zara] Apparently the mainframe
is now set to self-destruct,
so requesting
immediate extraction.
Hello. Lana? Lana.
[Krieger] For the love of God,
extraction, ple
[glass shattering]
[flames whooshing]
[rhythmic thudding, bedsprings squeaking]
So you want
to shoot some hoops, baller?
Shut up.
Nerd.
♪