Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e07 Episode Script
James Morrison, Rochelle Humes, Joey Essex, Caroline Flack, Ella Eyre
1 Joey, what this is, is the Celebrity Juice guest team captain's wall of fame.
If you do a good job tonight, you could be on here.
How? What you need is confidence.
I am confident, I am all confidence.
Confidence, determination.
I've got deter-mined.
You've got what? I am deter-mined.
Most of all, what you need is good communication skills, communicate with your panellists.
All right, Gino? What's happening? I'm showing him the wal Where is my picture? You are not very good, are you? You always get it wrong.
You can't even intro the guests.
I have been intro the guests for the last three years.
Intro your guests to him now, show me.
Everybody can intro the guests.
On my right - That your left.
He knows it's left.
I tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to go for a sweet poo, I'll see you after the title sequence.
That's your left.
Doesn't matter, it's camera right.
How do, I am Keith Lemon and these are my sweet as titles.
There's Holly Willoughby coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy.
There is Gino do Campo who is covering for Fern while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we are not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it's Celebrity Juice.
On telly.
HD Ready.
Aaaaargh! Hoorah! How do, electric boogaloo, and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon, let's meet our team captains.
This week, Holly is not here.
I can't believe they've done this, it's going to be a long show.
It's Joey Essex.
(APPLAUSE) Joey, who is on your team? Today, guys, she is a salty potato, she is also the Xtra Factor presenter, it is Rochelle Humes, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Rochelle is a salty potato? I don't know what that means.
Do you like salt? Do I like salt? Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you like potatoes? Yeah.
Then you like her, don't you? Salty potato.
What? Who else is in? And to my left, he is a reem singer, it's James Morrison.
(APPLAUSE) OK, let's meet our next team captain, all the way from Sheffield, it's Gino Sheffield Decampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino, you've got a lot of pressure here, let's see if you can communicate your team.
You have forgotten who's sat next to you! You're going to cut this shit off anyway.
(LAUGHS) On my left, she has got a head full of hair and her name is Ella Looking at the spelling, it says Ear.
Ella Ear? Eyre! Eyre.
Yeah.
On my right, the question that everybody is asking, well I do, is Ollie Murs flacking her or not flacking her? It is Caroline Flack.
(APPLAUSE) Caroline, it is lovely to see you, are you well? I am really well.
Recently, you were not well, because am I correct in thinking you have still only got one functioning arm, or do they both function? I fell off a bike and hurt my elbow.
I thought I had broken it, I went to hospital and they x-rayed it and they couldn't find anything wrong with it.
Look.
Jesu What's wrong with it? I have got a picture that you tweeted.
Look at that.
When you went to the doctor, did they say, "Yes, you are catching knee on your elbow"? Were you drunk? No.
I was just driving a bike.
(SLURS) Get the bike, I'll go for a ride.
I was just normally riding a bike.
What time of day? About m I was biking home, I fell into a tree.
You fell into a tree riding a bike at 12 o'clock at night, not drunk and fell into a tree! Are there things you can't do? Put your hair up.
What about when What about when you are by yourself and you need to give yourself some respect? I am right-handed.
So you never used the other hand so it feels like someone else? What about if you are texting and playing with your minge (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God.
Gino, what is this about you going on tour? What do you do on tour? Are you singing? No, I am just cooking on tour.
I am taking Gino's Italian Escape on tour.
So we buy a ticket and watch you make someone's dinner? Yes.
But then I tell the secrets of Italy.
The secret of Italy, what are the secrets of Italy? JOEY: I know a secret of Italy.
Joey, what is the secret of Italy? That the actual island looks like a boot.
How can it be an island? It's attached to France! (LAUGHS) What is it then? It is a country.
font colo (AUDIENCE LAUGH) Still a boot, innit? James, I am so sorry.
James.
Hello.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thanking you.
/fon This is your first time.
It is.
I've been excited to come on this show for fucking ages.
Really? I can't believe we've got James Morrison here, is incredible.
Since you came into the make up room (ITALIAN ACCENT) I have been wanking about you.
(LAUGHS) I had three children because of you, my man.
I'll take that, I'll take that.
Every time I put you on, my wife just goes (MAKES SQUELCH NOISE).
(APPLAUSE) You have a new album out, here it is.
Higher Than Here.
How high is that? Quite high.
What is the message? Love, innit.
It is the only way to go.
Strength and love.
Strength in the times of font color= Strength in times of darkness, that's a good message, isn't it? Yes, it's a good message.
A dream of mine is to hear you singing swear words.
Could you change some of the words of your lyrics and put a swear word in there? # You give me (BLEEP)flaps # (LAUGHS) Hey, it is Rochelle Humes.
Rochelle, you are currently on ITV2, on the Xtra Factor, what is it like? Me and Melv are having such fun together and we have been friends for so many years, we just have a real laugh.
You used to work with Melvin Odoom.
Melvin Odoom, yeah.
He is a tiny fellow, isn't he? He is very, very small.
We have got a picture of you together.
There you are.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my goodness.
Please send me that.
I need that picture.
You must be sick of hearing about this.
A lot of people coming up with you and going, "Have you split up?" "When are you getting back together?" "Are you on a break?" So what I want to know is when is S Club Juniors getting back together? God.
(APPLAUSE) Look at my hair! I have discovered hair straighteners now.
Oh, my lord.
What about The Saturdays? Will they ever get back together? We are not split.
Are you not split? No.
font color= It's Elle Eyre! (APPLAUSE) Just let me say thanks for coming on again.
Thanks.
You know I've got a crush for you.
Do you? Fucking do, yeah.
I was nervous before you said my name and now I'm even more nervous.
We started dressing the same like we are connected and shit.
I know, we are a band, a girl-boy band.
A girl-boy band.
/fo You are a girl, aren't you? Do you want to check? Yes.
Last time you were on here, we played a game called, "What's In Ella Eyre's Hair?" Yes.
Remember? I was still finding font color="#00 I have come up with a new game called Fuck's sake.
(APPLAUSE) All you have to do is beat the Care Bear in a staring competition.
Whoever blinks first, loses.
Are you ready? Go.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) I can't take it seriously, it's a fucking bear.
Don't blink, we need the point.
(LAUGHS) Is there a time limit where if I go over a certain amount? After one minute, we will be fine.
Is he going to blink? His eyes are getting very glassy.
Come on, glass heart bear, you can do it.
This is anybody's game.
Come on, Ella, I believe in you.
You are doing really well.
How are you still doing that? This is stupid, the bear doesn't blink.
Fuck the bear.
Come on, man.
You are nearly there.
(BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) That was amazing.
That is a point to your team.
How many points? A point.
Fuck off, one point! I just burned my eyes out for that shit.
Glass heart bear said, "Fuck off you ras clart, you know nothing.
" (LAUGHS) The next round is called The Battle of the Bands.
Rochelle, you were in a band.
Yes.
What I'm going to do in this round is ask you to name one member of a band.
Give me their first name.
If you hesitate or you can't name a member of a band, you have to put an elastic band on your head, kapish? And no repeating names, otherwise elastic band on head.
Michelle, we will start with you.
The Saturdays.
Vanessa.
Una.
Frankie.
Rochelle.
(BUZZER) That's it, elastic band on head.
Ella, starting with a new band, are you ready? U2.
Bono.
U2, Rochelle? I don't know.
Elastic band on head.
What are we talking abo Joey, U2? David.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH) James.
The Edge.
Oh, I don't know any more.
Right, we are going to start with Gino, a new band.
Take That.
Barlow.
Gary Barlow.
Ella.
Howard.
J (AUDIENCE LAUGH) I don't know them.
Mr Morrison, we are starting with you.
The Sugababes.
Keisha.
Mutya.
Sugar babes? Oh, yes, the Sugababes.
(BUZZER) Band on head.
Ella, We are going Atomic Kitten.
Kerry.
Natasha.
The blonde one, font color="#00fff She just said that.
This is going to suffocate me.
Atomic Kitten.
I don't remember.
Band on head.
You deserve it.
Caroline.
Jenny.
Gino.
Michelle.
Band on head.
Ella, are you ready? Oasis.
Liam.
Rochelle.
Noel.
Joey.
Doug.
(BUZZER) (LAUGHS) I'm not very good at this game, am I? No, you are It is like Bruce Jenner before he became a lass.
James, One Direction.
I will go for Louie.
Niall.
(APPLAUSE) Very good.
Gino.
Harry Styles.
Liam.
Can you say Zayn? Yes, Zayn.
Next band, Blur.
Joey.
Santa.
Santa, the lead singer of Blur.
James, Blur.
I will go for Graham.
Alex James.
Damon.
/font (BUZZER) Elastic band.
OK, Rochelle, JLS.
Marvin.
Phew.
Aston.
Yes, Joey! font color="#fffff (BUZZER) Too late, buzzer.
Nearly.
Caroline? JB.
Gino.
Elastic band.
Oritse! Oritse, With his hats.
Ella, the Beatles.
Oh, my God.
I don't know this.
You didn't know any members of the Beatles.
Shame on you, elastic band on head.
Over your nose.
Who were the Beatles, Rochelle? Paul McCartney.
Ben.
Ben from the Beatles.
Come on, you goofy bastard.
James.
Ringo.
George.
Paul McCartney.
(BUZZER) We have done Paul McCartney, band on head.
Oh, for fucks' sake.
Where I'm going to put this? Ella, We will start with you.
Coldplay.
Chris Martin.
I don't know any apart from Chris Martin.
Shit.
Joey, Coldplay.
Jimmy.
James.
Guy Someone.
Yes.
Hmm (BUZZER) Band on head.
Chin.
Oh, yes.
(APPLAUSE) You look like Sloth from the Goonies sister.
(LONG BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) So we counted up the elastic bands, the team with the least bands is Gino's team.
(APPLAUSE) We are going to go to a break now, take these elastic bands off and put them somewhere else on a body.
Gino, where are we going to put them? On our arms.
Our arms, see you after the break.
Coming up after the break The crispnado is here! Oh, my God! (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
We do like to get an exclusive.
I am trying to get some exclusive right now.
Joey Essex.
Yes? You and Perrie from Little Mix.
What's going on? Nothing, really.
At all.
Something's going on.
Look, there's The Mirror.
What is a 'fun date'? We met up a few times and that was it.
Did you get off with her? I've already ans- That's a yes! That's a yes.
She's a lovely girl.
Yeah, she is a nice girl.
Yeah, lovely.
Black Magic and all that shit, yeah? Secret Potion.
Secret Potion? Did she put secret potion on you? Where did you meet? Mate, I don't want to say where we met.
Aww, he's embarrassed! I'm not embarrassed! I just I dunno, it's none of your business.
(CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) It says here, James, you're part of the Morrisons supermarket empire.
How did they feel when you decided to get out of that and do music? I think they were a bit gutted, because obviously I was the head floor manager.
I know you're a lying twat, because Morrison is not your actual name, is it? No, it's not, no.
What is it? Asda? (LAUGHTER) Well, it's obvious.
My last name is Catchpole.
Catchpole? That's all right.
It's a lame name, innit? That's why I went with my middle name.
You might think it's a lame name, but it's a very good name to play a game called (APPLAUSE) So James' original surname was Catchpole.
We're gonna see how good he is at catching things on his pole.
We will have apparatus here to throw upon the pole.
If you catch them, you will get a point for your team.
Are you ready? I was born ready, sir.
Go! Go! Joey, I'm not very good at this! Oh, come on! (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) Slinky! Bin! Bananas! What is that? Bondage? You put this round your face, in the mouth, whilst you're being banged in the box.
Box?! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) (CHEERING) It's the klaxon! Let's see how many items you've got.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
And the bin.
That's five items.
James Morrison! (CHEERING) That was good, James.
Caroline, you have a new book out.
Yay! Last time we was talking about your book, you didn't have a title for it.
I suggested a title.
Do you remember? Something about "in my hole"? It was Flack Hole.
That was it.
I mean, we considered it.
The title of your book is Storm In A C Cup.
Yeah.
What does that mean? Quite a lot of things in my life are blown out of proportion that really are just a storm in a teacup.
Yeah.
But I have boobs.
No way! Yes.
I'll tell you someone else who's got a book out on the same day.
It is Joey Essex.
Joey, apparently this is an interactive book.
What does that mean? I don't know.
There is even blank pages in there.
(LAUGHTER) It is different, you know.
Not a lot of people have done that.
If you go through it, you can actually find things to do, so it is quite fun.
It is quite active.
I might do something on that page, me.
Draw your life story.
(LAUGHS) Draw your map here.
(LAUGHTER) Draw your map, Caroline! Joey, we know already that you know a lot about politics.
Yeah Do you know about the weather? You have heard about the recent snack-based weather conditions that we have had in this country? What's that mean? We have had cheese lightning.
We have had choc ice on the roads.
The gust-ard creams.
(LAUGHS) That is dangerous.
Ain't you ever heard of these? No.
You have heard of a crisp-nado? Well, I have heard of a Yes, sort of.
(LAUGHTER) In case anyone doesn't know, this is how a crisp-nado forms.
It is when a cool original Dorito comes in from the West, and you get a large gust of flaming hot Monster Munch coming from the north.
So, what are you saying? I'm saying, let's see a crisp-nado in action, as we play: (APPLAUSE) Here I am with Joey Essex.
As you can see, the weather right now is not bad.
It is all right, isn't it? You have got your T-shirt on.
It is quite nice.
But I have been told that a crisp-nado is on its way.
I have heard it as well.
When it gets here, what you have got to do to win points for your team is destroy the crisp-nado.
And how do you destroy a crisp-nado? By collecting as many crisp packets as you ca So not hurting people? Whoever collects the most crisp packets will win the point for the team.
Not only that, you will have destroyed the crisp-nado Saving Britain.
That would be a big achievement for me.
A massive achievemen Maybe one of the biggest ones in my whole life.
Yeah.
I have just been told, Joey, that the crisp-nado is on its way.
No way! (WIND BLOWS) Here it comes.
Quick, get in the booth! The crisp-nado is coming.
When you hear the klaxon, collect as many crisp packets as you can.
(KLAXON) There it is.
The crisp-nado is here.
Oh, my God! (CHEERING) Collect as many as you can.
Put them in your pouch! Destroy the crisp-nado! What are you saying? Collect the crisp packets.
(KLAXON) There's the klaxon! It's gone, it's gone.
(CHEERING) Well done, Joey Essex.
You just saved Britain from a crisp-nado.
Did I do well? Good skills, man.
Let's see how many you got.
This might take a long time in the edit, so just speed it up, yeah? Put some funky graphics up, some nice music.
# HOT BUTTER: Popcorn 21! (APPLAUSE) Next up, it is Ella Eyre.
(APPLAUSE) So, here I am with Ella Eyre.
Your name is Eyre, are you used to air filled with crisp packets? I am.
Oh, that is obtuse, in't it? You have got 21 crisp packets to beat.
Are you feeling confident? Yes.
And you will destroy the crisp-nado, yeah? I will destroy.
Ella Eyre, get in here and save the world.
Yes, it's coming.
Is it coming? (WIND BLOWS) It's coming.
Quick, get in! Get in! Where is the key? The key has gone! She's got the key! (LAUGHTER) It's coming! (KLAXON) (CHEERING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Destroy the crisp-nado and save the world, Ella Eyre! It's just like that scene in Twister where they have that big bin with balls in it, but it's crisps! You are doing well.
Destroy the crisp-nado, Ella Eyre! Help the world! (KLAXON) (CHEERING) There's the klaxon.
Holy shit! It stinks of Worcester sauce and quavers.
(LAUGHTER) You have got 21 to beat.
Do you think you have done well? Yes.
One, two, three, four Dramatic music, please.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 11 More dramatic music, please.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) Even more.
(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES) 17, 18 Really dramatic music.
(MUSIC REACHES EPIC CONCLUSION) 19, 20, 21 21! You raise me up 29 30.
30! (APPLAUSE) You destroyed the crisp-nado.
And you win a point for your team.
Ella Eyre, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Really? One point?! You know what you do win? You destroyed the crisp-nado.
Can you just take that home with you? (LAUGHTER) And you won a point for your team! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round (APPLAUSE) We are going to go to an ad break now.
You have just revealed it's green screen like in Harry Potter! (LAUGHTER) You have fucking ruined it! They believed it was real! (LAUGHTER) Go to an ad break.
Coming up after the break Does it mean a, No drivers over 70? B, Elderly people crossing? Or C, Fisting in progress up ahead? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Welcome back to the final part of Celebrity Juice.
Joey, you were on Twitter recently, because you got confused about the road signs, didn't you? (LAUGHS) Sorry.
You tweeted: What's confusing about that sign? Even my friend in my car with me, said it was confusing as w How many times did you do your theory test? Eight times.
(LAUGHTER) I will give you the chance to win some bonus points for your team, as we play: (APPLAUSE) Joey, I'm going to show you some road signs.
You have to tell you what they are.
For each one you get correct, you win a point for your team.
Here is the first one.
What does this mean? I don't know.
Obviously it ain't red and black cars only, (LAUGHTER) You would have to buy a red or black car, wouldn't you? It has got to be no overtaking or drive side-by-side.
B.
B, no overtaking.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) Here's the next sign.
What does this mean? It is either a (LAUGHTER) Or B.
It is either stunt zone Let's get in t'stunt zone! Or it is C, no bikes on top of cars.
C.
C? No bikes on top of cars? Let's see if you are correct.
I thought when you said motor vehicle it means motorbikes? font color="#00ff00" What does this mean? (LAUGHTER) Elderly people crossing.
Let's see if you are right.
That is correct.
(CHEERING) Here is the next one.
What does this mean, Joey Essex? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I can't go for C.
That is ridiculous, innit? (LAUGHTER) B.
Let's see if you are right.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) OK, all to play for in this final round.
It is the buzzer round! (APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, and have a guess.
Joey, what is your buzzer this week? BUZZER: Reem! What are you saying?! What are you saying?! (LAUGHS) Gino, what is your buzzer? BUZZER: My fucking hand has turned into a knee! (LAUGHTER) That is Caroline! Buzz in if you know the answer.
The first question is: What does Harry Styles reckon he can spot a mile off? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Caroline! (LAUGHTER) I don't know.
Can anyone guess? Something to do with a boat? Something to do with a boat.
He can spot a boat from a mile off.
(LAUGHTER) Something to do with a boat?! We don't know.
Apparently it is rinsers.
That is girls who are only after him for his cash.
What movie scene have Phil Schofield and Amanda Holden re-enacted on This Morning? (GINO'S BUZZER) Two girls, one cup.
(LAUGHTER) No, it is not two girls and one cup.
The answer is Wait, wait.
What is two girls, one cup? (LAUGHTER) Why is everybody laughing? Ella, explain it.
Why is everybody laughing? Oh, no.
It is a porn movie.
Where two girls are pooing into a cup.
And eating it.
Gino, what do we get out of that? How can you wank to that? (LAUGHTER) The answer was actually Lady and the Tramp.
They recreated the spaghetti-eating scene.
What did Kanye West recently audition for? (JOEY'S BUZZER) That is Joey's team.
Is it that he wants to be prime minister? You don't audition to be the Prime Minister.
(GINO'S BUZZER) Gino's team.
Is it the American X Factor.
I will give you that.
It is American Idol.
(KLAXON) There is the klaxon.
That is the end of the buzzer around, and that is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Joey, how do you think you did? I think I did good as a captain.
I am proud of my team, whatever happens.
That is nice.
/font If I win this one, you are not going to shave my hair, bec (MOCKS GINO'S ACCENT) (LAUGHTER) I can tell you, the winning team is (SLOW MOTION) It is Joey's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I will see you through the window.
Let's dance! (MUSIC PLAYS)
If you do a good job tonight, you could be on here.
How? What you need is confidence.
I am confident, I am all confidence.
Confidence, determination.
I've got deter-mined.
You've got what? I am deter-mined.
Most of all, what you need is good communication skills, communicate with your panellists.
All right, Gino? What's happening? I'm showing him the wal Where is my picture? You are not very good, are you? You always get it wrong.
You can't even intro the guests.
I have been intro the guests for the last three years.
Intro your guests to him now, show me.
Everybody can intro the guests.
On my right - That your left.
He knows it's left.
I tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to go for a sweet poo, I'll see you after the title sequence.
That's your left.
Doesn't matter, it's camera right.
How do, I am Keith Lemon and these are my sweet as titles.
There's Holly Willoughby coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy.
There is Gino do Campo who is covering for Fern while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we are not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it's Celebrity Juice.
On telly.
HD Ready.
Aaaaargh! Hoorah! How do, electric boogaloo, and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon, let's meet our team captains.
This week, Holly is not here.
I can't believe they've done this, it's going to be a long show.
It's Joey Essex.
(APPLAUSE) Joey, who is on your team? Today, guys, she is a salty potato, she is also the Xtra Factor presenter, it is Rochelle Humes, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Rochelle is a salty potato? I don't know what that means.
Do you like salt? Do I like salt? Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you like potatoes? Yeah.
Then you like her, don't you? Salty potato.
What? Who else is in? And to my left, he is a reem singer, it's James Morrison.
(APPLAUSE) OK, let's meet our next team captain, all the way from Sheffield, it's Gino Sheffield Decampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino, you've got a lot of pressure here, let's see if you can communicate your team.
You have forgotten who's sat next to you! You're going to cut this shit off anyway.
(LAUGHS) On my left, she has got a head full of hair and her name is Ella Looking at the spelling, it says Ear.
Ella Ear? Eyre! Eyre.
Yeah.
On my right, the question that everybody is asking, well I do, is Ollie Murs flacking her or not flacking her? It is Caroline Flack.
(APPLAUSE) Caroline, it is lovely to see you, are you well? I am really well.
Recently, you were not well, because am I correct in thinking you have still only got one functioning arm, or do they both function? I fell off a bike and hurt my elbow.
I thought I had broken it, I went to hospital and they x-rayed it and they couldn't find anything wrong with it.
Look.
Jesu What's wrong with it? I have got a picture that you tweeted.
Look at that.
When you went to the doctor, did they say, "Yes, you are catching knee on your elbow"? Were you drunk? No.
I was just driving a bike.
(SLURS) Get the bike, I'll go for a ride.
I was just normally riding a bike.
What time of day? About m I was biking home, I fell into a tree.
You fell into a tree riding a bike at 12 o'clock at night, not drunk and fell into a tree! Are there things you can't do? Put your hair up.
What about when What about when you are by yourself and you need to give yourself some respect? I am right-handed.
So you never used the other hand so it feels like someone else? What about if you are texting and playing with your minge (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God.
Gino, what is this about you going on tour? What do you do on tour? Are you singing? No, I am just cooking on tour.
I am taking Gino's Italian Escape on tour.
So we buy a ticket and watch you make someone's dinner? Yes.
But then I tell the secrets of Italy.
The secret of Italy, what are the secrets of Italy? JOEY: I know a secret of Italy.
Joey, what is the secret of Italy? That the actual island looks like a boot.
How can it be an island? It's attached to France! (LAUGHS) What is it then? It is a country.
font colo (AUDIENCE LAUGH) Still a boot, innit? James, I am so sorry.
James.
Hello.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thanking you.
/fon This is your first time.
It is.
I've been excited to come on this show for fucking ages.
Really? I can't believe we've got James Morrison here, is incredible.
Since you came into the make up room (ITALIAN ACCENT) I have been wanking about you.
(LAUGHS) I had three children because of you, my man.
I'll take that, I'll take that.
Every time I put you on, my wife just goes (MAKES SQUELCH NOISE).
(APPLAUSE) You have a new album out, here it is.
Higher Than Here.
How high is that? Quite high.
What is the message? Love, innit.
It is the only way to go.
Strength and love.
Strength in the times of font color= Strength in times of darkness, that's a good message, isn't it? Yes, it's a good message.
A dream of mine is to hear you singing swear words.
Could you change some of the words of your lyrics and put a swear word in there? # You give me (BLEEP)flaps # (LAUGHS) Hey, it is Rochelle Humes.
Rochelle, you are currently on ITV2, on the Xtra Factor, what is it like? Me and Melv are having such fun together and we have been friends for so many years, we just have a real laugh.
You used to work with Melvin Odoom.
Melvin Odoom, yeah.
He is a tiny fellow, isn't he? He is very, very small.
We have got a picture of you together.
There you are.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my goodness.
Please send me that.
I need that picture.
You must be sick of hearing about this.
A lot of people coming up with you and going, "Have you split up?" "When are you getting back together?" "Are you on a break?" So what I want to know is when is S Club Juniors getting back together? God.
(APPLAUSE) Look at my hair! I have discovered hair straighteners now.
Oh, my lord.
What about The Saturdays? Will they ever get back together? We are not split.
Are you not split? No.
font color= It's Elle Eyre! (APPLAUSE) Just let me say thanks for coming on again.
Thanks.
You know I've got a crush for you.
Do you? Fucking do, yeah.
I was nervous before you said my name and now I'm even more nervous.
We started dressing the same like we are connected and shit.
I know, we are a band, a girl-boy band.
A girl-boy band.
/fo You are a girl, aren't you? Do you want to check? Yes.
Last time you were on here, we played a game called, "What's In Ella Eyre's Hair?" Yes.
Remember? I was still finding font color="#00 I have come up with a new game called Fuck's sake.
(APPLAUSE) All you have to do is beat the Care Bear in a staring competition.
Whoever blinks first, loses.
Are you ready? Go.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) I can't take it seriously, it's a fucking bear.
Don't blink, we need the point.
(LAUGHS) Is there a time limit where if I go over a certain amount? After one minute, we will be fine.
Is he going to blink? His eyes are getting very glassy.
Come on, glass heart bear, you can do it.
This is anybody's game.
Come on, Ella, I believe in you.
You are doing really well.
How are you still doing that? This is stupid, the bear doesn't blink.
Fuck the bear.
Come on, man.
You are nearly there.
(BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) That was amazing.
That is a point to your team.
How many points? A point.
Fuck off, one point! I just burned my eyes out for that shit.
Glass heart bear said, "Fuck off you ras clart, you know nothing.
" (LAUGHS) The next round is called The Battle of the Bands.
Rochelle, you were in a band.
Yes.
What I'm going to do in this round is ask you to name one member of a band.
Give me their first name.
If you hesitate or you can't name a member of a band, you have to put an elastic band on your head, kapish? And no repeating names, otherwise elastic band on head.
Michelle, we will start with you.
The Saturdays.
Vanessa.
Una.
Frankie.
Rochelle.
(BUZZER) That's it, elastic band on head.
Ella, starting with a new band, are you ready? U2.
Bono.
U2, Rochelle? I don't know.
Elastic band on head.
What are we talking abo Joey, U2? David.
(AUDIENCE LAUGH) James.
The Edge.
Oh, I don't know any more.
Right, we are going to start with Gino, a new band.
Take That.
Barlow.
Gary Barlow.
Ella.
Howard.
J (AUDIENCE LAUGH) I don't know them.
Mr Morrison, we are starting with you.
The Sugababes.
Keisha.
Mutya.
Sugar babes? Oh, yes, the Sugababes.
(BUZZER) Band on head.
Ella, We are going Atomic Kitten.
Kerry.
Natasha.
The blonde one, font color="#00fff She just said that.
This is going to suffocate me.
Atomic Kitten.
I don't remember.
Band on head.
You deserve it.
Caroline.
Jenny.
Gino.
Michelle.
Band on head.
Ella, are you ready? Oasis.
Liam.
Rochelle.
Noel.
Joey.
Doug.
(BUZZER) (LAUGHS) I'm not very good at this game, am I? No, you are It is like Bruce Jenner before he became a lass.
James, One Direction.
I will go for Louie.
Niall.
(APPLAUSE) Very good.
Gino.
Harry Styles.
Liam.
Can you say Zayn? Yes, Zayn.
Next band, Blur.
Joey.
Santa.
Santa, the lead singer of Blur.
James, Blur.
I will go for Graham.
Alex James.
Damon.
/font (BUZZER) Elastic band.
OK, Rochelle, JLS.
Marvin.
Phew.
Aston.
Yes, Joey! font color="#fffff (BUZZER) Too late, buzzer.
Nearly.
Caroline? JB.
Gino.
Elastic band.
Oritse! Oritse, With his hats.
Ella, the Beatles.
Oh, my God.
I don't know this.
You didn't know any members of the Beatles.
Shame on you, elastic band on head.
Over your nose.
Who were the Beatles, Rochelle? Paul McCartney.
Ben.
Ben from the Beatles.
Come on, you goofy bastard.
James.
Ringo.
George.
Paul McCartney.
(BUZZER) We have done Paul McCartney, band on head.
Oh, for fucks' sake.
Where I'm going to put this? Ella, We will start with you.
Coldplay.
Chris Martin.
I don't know any apart from Chris Martin.
Shit.
Joey, Coldplay.
Jimmy.
James.
Guy Someone.
Yes.
Hmm (BUZZER) Band on head.
Chin.
Oh, yes.
(APPLAUSE) You look like Sloth from the Goonies sister.
(LONG BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) So we counted up the elastic bands, the team with the least bands is Gino's team.
(APPLAUSE) We are going to go to a break now, take these elastic bands off and put them somewhere else on a body.
Gino, where are we going to put them? On our arms.
Our arms, see you after the break.
Coming up after the break The crispnado is here! Oh, my God! (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
We do like to get an exclusive.
I am trying to get some exclusive right now.
Joey Essex.
Yes? You and Perrie from Little Mix.
What's going on? Nothing, really.
At all.
Something's going on.
Look, there's The Mirror.
What is a 'fun date'? We met up a few times and that was it.
Did you get off with her? I've already ans- That's a yes! That's a yes.
She's a lovely girl.
Yeah, she is a nice girl.
Yeah, lovely.
Black Magic and all that shit, yeah? Secret Potion.
Secret Potion? Did she put secret potion on you? Where did you meet? Mate, I don't want to say where we met.
Aww, he's embarrassed! I'm not embarrassed! I just I dunno, it's none of your business.
(CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) It says here, James, you're part of the Morrisons supermarket empire.
How did they feel when you decided to get out of that and do music? I think they were a bit gutted, because obviously I was the head floor manager.
I know you're a lying twat, because Morrison is not your actual name, is it? No, it's not, no.
What is it? Asda? (LAUGHTER) Well, it's obvious.
My last name is Catchpole.
Catchpole? That's all right.
It's a lame name, innit? That's why I went with my middle name.
You might think it's a lame name, but it's a very good name to play a game called (APPLAUSE) So James' original surname was Catchpole.
We're gonna see how good he is at catching things on his pole.
We will have apparatus here to throw upon the pole.
If you catch them, you will get a point for your team.
Are you ready? I was born ready, sir.
Go! Go! Joey, I'm not very good at this! Oh, come on! (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) Slinky! Bin! Bananas! What is that? Bondage? You put this round your face, in the mouth, whilst you're being banged in the box.
Box?! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) (CHEERING) It's the klaxon! Let's see how many items you've got.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
And the bin.
That's five items.
James Morrison! (CHEERING) That was good, James.
Caroline, you have a new book out.
Yay! Last time we was talking about your book, you didn't have a title for it.
I suggested a title.
Do you remember? Something about "in my hole"? It was Flack Hole.
That was it.
I mean, we considered it.
The title of your book is Storm In A C Cup.
Yeah.
What does that mean? Quite a lot of things in my life are blown out of proportion that really are just a storm in a teacup.
Yeah.
But I have boobs.
No way! Yes.
I'll tell you someone else who's got a book out on the same day.
It is Joey Essex.
Joey, apparently this is an interactive book.
What does that mean? I don't know.
There is even blank pages in there.
(LAUGHTER) It is different, you know.
Not a lot of people have done that.
If you go through it, you can actually find things to do, so it is quite fun.
It is quite active.
I might do something on that page, me.
Draw your life story.
(LAUGHS) Draw your map here.
(LAUGHTER) Draw your map, Caroline! Joey, we know already that you know a lot about politics.
Yeah Do you know about the weather? You have heard about the recent snack-based weather conditions that we have had in this country? What's that mean? We have had cheese lightning.
We have had choc ice on the roads.
The gust-ard creams.
(LAUGHS) That is dangerous.
Ain't you ever heard of these? No.
You have heard of a crisp-nado? Well, I have heard of a Yes, sort of.
(LAUGHTER) In case anyone doesn't know, this is how a crisp-nado forms.
It is when a cool original Dorito comes in from the West, and you get a large gust of flaming hot Monster Munch coming from the north.
So, what are you saying? I'm saying, let's see a crisp-nado in action, as we play: (APPLAUSE) Here I am with Joey Essex.
As you can see, the weather right now is not bad.
It is all right, isn't it? You have got your T-shirt on.
It is quite nice.
But I have been told that a crisp-nado is on its way.
I have heard it as well.
When it gets here, what you have got to do to win points for your team is destroy the crisp-nado.
And how do you destroy a crisp-nado? By collecting as many crisp packets as you ca So not hurting people? Whoever collects the most crisp packets will win the point for the team.
Not only that, you will have destroyed the crisp-nado Saving Britain.
That would be a big achievement for me.
A massive achievemen Maybe one of the biggest ones in my whole life.
Yeah.
I have just been told, Joey, that the crisp-nado is on its way.
No way! (WIND BLOWS) Here it comes.
Quick, get in the booth! The crisp-nado is coming.
When you hear the klaxon, collect as many crisp packets as you can.
(KLAXON) There it is.
The crisp-nado is here.
Oh, my God! (CHEERING) Collect as many as you can.
Put them in your pouch! Destroy the crisp-nado! What are you saying? Collect the crisp packets.
(KLAXON) There's the klaxon! It's gone, it's gone.
(CHEERING) Well done, Joey Essex.
You just saved Britain from a crisp-nado.
Did I do well? Good skills, man.
Let's see how many you got.
This might take a long time in the edit, so just speed it up, yeah? Put some funky graphics up, some nice music.
# HOT BUTTER: Popcorn 21! (APPLAUSE) Next up, it is Ella Eyre.
(APPLAUSE) So, here I am with Ella Eyre.
Your name is Eyre, are you used to air filled with crisp packets? I am.
Oh, that is obtuse, in't it? You have got 21 crisp packets to beat.
Are you feeling confident? Yes.
And you will destroy the crisp-nado, yeah? I will destroy.
Ella Eyre, get in here and save the world.
Yes, it's coming.
Is it coming? (WIND BLOWS) It's coming.
Quick, get in! Get in! Where is the key? The key has gone! She's got the key! (LAUGHTER) It's coming! (KLAXON) (CHEERING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Destroy the crisp-nado and save the world, Ella Eyre! It's just like that scene in Twister where they have that big bin with balls in it, but it's crisps! You are doing well.
Destroy the crisp-nado, Ella Eyre! Help the world! (KLAXON) (CHEERING) There's the klaxon.
Holy shit! It stinks of Worcester sauce and quavers.
(LAUGHTER) You have got 21 to beat.
Do you think you have done well? Yes.
One, two, three, four Dramatic music, please.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC) Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 11 More dramatic music, please.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) Even more.
(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES) 17, 18 Really dramatic music.
(MUSIC REACHES EPIC CONCLUSION) 19, 20, 21 21! You raise me up 29 30.
30! (APPLAUSE) You destroyed the crisp-nado.
And you win a point for your team.
Ella Eyre, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Really? One point?! You know what you do win? You destroyed the crisp-nado.
Can you just take that home with you? (LAUGHTER) And you won a point for your team! (APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round (APPLAUSE) We are going to go to an ad break now.
You have just revealed it's green screen like in Harry Potter! (LAUGHTER) You have fucking ruined it! They believed it was real! (LAUGHTER) Go to an ad break.
Coming up after the break Does it mean a, No drivers over 70? B, Elderly people crossing? Or C, Fisting in progress up ahead? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Welcome back to the final part of Celebrity Juice.
Joey, you were on Twitter recently, because you got confused about the road signs, didn't you? (LAUGHS) Sorry.
You tweeted: What's confusing about that sign? Even my friend in my car with me, said it was confusing as w How many times did you do your theory test? Eight times.
(LAUGHTER) I will give you the chance to win some bonus points for your team, as we play: (APPLAUSE) Joey, I'm going to show you some road signs.
You have to tell you what they are.
For each one you get correct, you win a point for your team.
Here is the first one.
What does this mean? I don't know.
Obviously it ain't red and black cars only, (LAUGHTER) You would have to buy a red or black car, wouldn't you? It has got to be no overtaking or drive side-by-side.
B.
B, no overtaking.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) Here's the next sign.
What does this mean? It is either a (LAUGHTER) Or B.
It is either stunt zone Let's get in t'stunt zone! Or it is C, no bikes on top of cars.
C.
C? No bikes on top of cars? Let's see if you are correct.
I thought when you said motor vehicle it means motorbikes? font color="#00ff00" What does this mean? (LAUGHTER) Elderly people crossing.
Let's see if you are right.
That is correct.
(CHEERING) Here is the next one.
What does this mean, Joey Essex? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I can't go for C.
That is ridiculous, innit? (LAUGHTER) B.
Let's see if you are right.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) OK, all to play for in this final round.
It is the buzzer round! (APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, and have a guess.
Joey, what is your buzzer this week? BUZZER: Reem! What are you saying?! What are you saying?! (LAUGHS) Gino, what is your buzzer? BUZZER: My fucking hand has turned into a knee! (LAUGHTER) That is Caroline! Buzz in if you know the answer.
The first question is: What does Harry Styles reckon he can spot a mile off? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Caroline! (LAUGHTER) I don't know.
Can anyone guess? Something to do with a boat? Something to do with a boat.
He can spot a boat from a mile off.
(LAUGHTER) Something to do with a boat?! We don't know.
Apparently it is rinsers.
That is girls who are only after him for his cash.
What movie scene have Phil Schofield and Amanda Holden re-enacted on This Morning? (GINO'S BUZZER) Two girls, one cup.
(LAUGHTER) No, it is not two girls and one cup.
The answer is Wait, wait.
What is two girls, one cup? (LAUGHTER) Why is everybody laughing? Ella, explain it.
Why is everybody laughing? Oh, no.
It is a porn movie.
Where two girls are pooing into a cup.
And eating it.
Gino, what do we get out of that? How can you wank to that? (LAUGHTER) The answer was actually Lady and the Tramp.
They recreated the spaghetti-eating scene.
What did Kanye West recently audition for? (JOEY'S BUZZER) That is Joey's team.
Is it that he wants to be prime minister? You don't audition to be the Prime Minister.
(GINO'S BUZZER) Gino's team.
Is it the American X Factor.
I will give you that.
It is American Idol.
(KLAXON) There is the klaxon.
That is the end of the buzzer around, and that is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Joey, how do you think you did? I think I did good as a captain.
I am proud of my team, whatever happens.
That is nice.
/font If I win this one, you are not going to shave my hair, bec (MOCKS GINO'S ACCENT) (LAUGHTER) I can tell you, the winning team is (SLOW MOTION) It is Joey's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I will see you through the window.
Let's dance! (MUSIC PLAYS)