Archer s14e08 Episode Script

1
[soft jazz music]
[bell jingles]
Uh, name?
[gunshots]
[screaming]
[Cyril] Oh, my God.
Well, that's a grim way
to start the morning.
- With coffee? Seems normal.
- With watching an assassination!
Technically, we don't know
that it was an assassination.
- A drone shot a man in the head!
- Which makes it an execution, Cyril.
It's only an assassination
if he was famous.
Connor Fairchild, former
low-level security guard at IIA.
Ugh, he was always rude to me.
Well, who can't come
in the commissary
without their badge
now, Mr. Connor?
- Is that too dark?
- Connor is one of a dozen former
IIA employees to be killed
by drones in the last 24 hours.
- My memory is a little hazy
- Probably from all the concussions.
- And drinking.
- And elderly dementia.
My memory is a little hazy,
but didn't we beat IIA?
Yes, the organization
was dismantled.
But until now, most of the
employees survived, including us.
Technically, I was
never an employee.
I always fill out my start
paperwork incorrectly
so I don't have to pay taxes.
You know that's not
how taxes work, right?
All I know is, I haven't
paid taxes in 20 years
or gone to the dentist.
My point is,
someone has a grudge
against ex-IIA employees.
We need to figure out
who that is and stop them.
And until then, we keep
our heads on a swivel.
- [Ray] Hmm.
- [Lana] Hmm?
- O-Okay, don't shoot the messenger.
- That's the drone's job.
But while I was
secretly temping at IIA
- [coughs] Double agent.
- Bless you.
Fabian asked me to place
an order for, let's call it,
5,000 weaponized smart drones.
[all] What?
We don't know that it's related.
But y'all, it's probably related.
Oh, my God, I do not
have time for this.
The UN is holding hearings
today on private spy agencies,
and I've gotta make
a presentation
about all the good work
that we've done.
Ooh, I wouldn't
show them these videos.
We need to make sure
there are no new videos.
And it seems like
there's only one person
who can help us sort this out.
The dead barista?
Well, well, well,
look what the cat vomited up.
Um, that's not how that goes.
Idiot.
[main title theme]
♪
Sterling Archer. You look old.
And you look imprisoned.
[conspiratorial jazz music]
Is that a squash court?
- What kind of prison is this?
- Uh, Swiss.
Remind me to get imprisoned
for war crimes in Switzerland.
I mean, if I commit war crimes,
which I won't.
Can we make this fast?
We can only reserve
the courts for an hour.
I don't believe we've met.
Zara Khan, formerly Interpol,
currently top agent
- at the Agency.
- What? Says who?
- My achievements, dumbass.
- Can we focus?
Any reason why drones
might be murdering
everybody who worked for IIA?
What?
Oh, no-fault severance.
Should I punch you
before or after
you explain what that means?
At IIA, whenever we needed
to cut ties
with a troublesome employee,
we'd check a little box in their
file called "no-fault severance."
And pop, out flew a drone.
Whatever second-rate
government bureaucrat
- that's now liquidating IIA must Ow!
- I got tired of waiting.
- But also, how do we turn them off?
- You can't.
The drones are controlled
by an automated
facility in Liechtenstein.
- And I'm the only one with access.
- Great, you're coming with us.
One, not your call.
Two, no, he's not.
- Three, what achievements, Zara?
- I'm afraid you won't get past
the fingerprint scanner
without me.
We will if I cut off your hand.
- Well, there's also a retinal scanner.
- And your eye.
- And the voice identification
- And your vocal chords.
At a certain point,
bringing him seems easier
- than bringing all these pieces.
- We'll put them in a bag!
I'm happy to help
without being dismembered.
As a former IIA employee,
I'm a drone target myself.
And I'd prefer to enjoy
my daily bike ride
without being gunned down
from the sky.
Daily bike ride? How
the hell is your prison
life better than my free life?
- We still have to break him out.
- This is a Swiss prison.
Anyone with Interpol ID can
sign me out for the weekend.
- Well, God bless Swiss prisons.
- Best in the world.
They really focus
on rehabilitating
the whole person, you know?
[handcuffs ratchet]
- What is this?
- Insurance.
This stays on until
you're back in prison.
[chuckles] The whole mission?
What if you gotta take a leak?
- We'll hold it.
- A wise precaution.
But will it be enough?
Even now,
an army of IIA loyalists
is no doubt working
to secure my freedom.
Hmm. In that case
[handcuffs ratchet]
I immediately have to pee.
[drone whirring]
Damn it, window seat.
- Pam, go across the aisle.
- No!
I'm not taking the window seat
with killer drones on the loose.
Also, I still have to pee.
Maybe you should
have thought about this
before you handcuffed
yourself to two people?
Don't tell me what I
should have thought of.
But yeah, maybe.
If it's any consolation,
we won't be on the train long.
You seriously think people
are coming to help you?
- Why wouldn't they?
- Yeah, you know, you weren't
the world's greatest boss,
what with ratting out a lot of
people on your way to prison,
and now sending drones to
kill 'em. Yeah, not great.
The board sent those drones.
And I only ratted as necessary.
You can fight about it
while I'm in the john.
- Where's the handcuff key?
- [laughs] Oh, I don't have one.
- What, why?
- I'm committing to the method, Pam.
The first thing a rescuer will
ask for is a handcuff key.
- Or a bone saw.
- No one carries those around.
Fine, I guess we're all
going to the bathroom.
- Oh, God, no.
- I'm not happy about it, either.
Hey, order us drinks
lots of drinks.
- Ooh, what looks good?
- [Lana] Ugh, I really don't care.
[Cyril] Well, I do.
It's my first time talking
to the United Nations.
Or-or is it before
the United Nations?
Do we address the nations?
Oh, my God. Lana!
Just let me do the talking, okay?
And relax, all right?
The UN never actually does anything.
I mean, these people
are total idiots. [laughs]
- Do you need to turn this on or
- It's already on.
[cameras shutters clicking]
Hello, nations.
- Nope, that feels wrong.
- [Pam] I'm trying my best, you dicks.
I don't think these bathrooms
were designed
for three people
handcuffed together.
And I don't think sarcasm
makes this process faster.
Are you done?
- [Pam] Haven't even started yet.
- What?
[Pam] Tell this guy to stop
peeking through the cracks!
I can't help where my head is
based on where my arms are.
[tense music]
♪
Whatever you're doing in there,
- I promise there's an easier way.
- [Pam] How's this way?
Huh, are we slowing down?
- Yes, it's the end of the line.
- Carlotta, my loyal number two,
come to my unnecessary
but grateful res
- Someone's in here!
- We gotta get out of here!
- After Pamela washes her hands.
- I didn't touch anything.
Carlotta, watch your fire.
She's shooting at you, moron.
Come on.
- [grunts] What's the problem?
- I'm not leaving.
You got three seconds, asshole.
And I'm shooting
your elbow in one.
Okay, okay.
Carlotta, they're trying to
[all grunting]
- [Archer] You're welcome.
- For what?
- For rescuing you.
- They were rescuing me.
What?
They were trying to kill you.
Says the man who pulled me
out of a moving train.
- Well, you're alive, aren't you?
- Guys, I don't think this tree is
[all screaming]
Nope, it's not.
They were obviously
trying to assassinate you.
What possible reason would
my employees have to kill me?
I think we're clear for now.
Uh, how about, you made their
lives miserable and they hate you?
The brightest emerald is forged
in the hardest granite.
Hey, can we focus
on the real problem?
Being lost in the woods?
Hmm, the ex-IIA hit squad
coming for us?
- The drones?
- Oh, right.
- Yeah, and if that hit squad
- AKA rescue squad.
AKA, you're delusional.
If the hit squad kills Fabian,
he can't deactivate the drones,
and they'll kill all of us.
So by the transitive property,
you must keep me alive.
That's not the transitive property.
It's a contrapositive conditional.
Well, on the bright side,
Ray and Zara
- are probably already coming for us.
- [Ray] Oh, my God!
Look at those mountains.
Um, Zara?
[Zara gulps, gasps]
The drinks on this train are free.
I got one for you,
but then I drank it.
- These are for me.
- Hey, whenever y'all are done whispering
and pointing at shit,
can you bring me a mimosa?
[plates clatter]
- Um, where are they going?
- [Pam] To Liechtenstein!
We're walking to another country?
- Unless you have a better idea.
- Uh, yeah, let the drones kill us.
I have an even better idea.
I defeat you in unarmed combat
and reunite with my cadre
of faithfuls.
Get your hand off my wrist.
I believe the parlance is,
compel me, brother.
Can you not
while I'm attached to you?
[drone whirring]
Any chance that's
a totally unrelated drone?
- I mean, some.
- Run!
[all screaming]
- Can we please stop falling off things?
- Oh, boy, they're coming.
Fabian, I hope you can hold
your breath for three minutes
because that's how long
I'm holding you underwater.
That won't work, I'm afraid.
These drones are top of the line.
They cannot be fooled by water
or darkness or disguise.
They are relentless
and unbamboozable.
Maybe use a less silly word
for the drones
- coming to kill us.
- Screw the words. What do we do?
Make peace
with the god you choose,
for the day of judgment is at hand.
[drone beeping and whirring]
[laughs] We're alive!
Uh, although, I guess
this could also be hell.
- What just happened?
- My guess, Ray bought shitty drones
that couldn't detect us
through the mud.
But he spent
the entire drone budget.
Oh, what they don't know
can't kill them won't kill them.
[robot]
More daiquiri, Mr. Gillette?
What do you think, dummy?
Oi, more of these and these
and some crisps, yeah?
For me and those snobs
across the aisle
who clearly think
they're better than me.
And how long does it take
three people
handcuffed together
to use the bathroom?
[Cyril] Um, this doesn't
feel administrative.
Secretary General Hernandez,
a pleasure, as always.
[clears throat]
I wish I could say the same.
Yeah, what's the deal here, guys?
I thought this was basically
a meet-and-greet.
This is a disciplinary hearing
to determine
if independent spy agencies
will be allowed to continue
operating on the global stage.
What?
And you're telling me now?
[Hernandez]
I told your secretary.
[Cheryl] Uh,
I'm an office administrator.
- Cheryl, what are you doing here?
- I'm a surprise witness.
- A surprise witness for what?
- The United Nations.
We're in their house, silly.
So the surprise is against us?
- Well, they offered me immunity.
- Immunity from what?
We haven't done anything wrong.
- Well
- Nothing legally wrong.
Oh, my God, Lana, when someone
offers you immunity,
you take it.
[laughs]
And all I had to do was
tell him all the bad things
- we ever did ever.
- Shall we begin?
- [Archer] No.
- [Pam] No?
[Archer] No! You already had
your chance to pee on the train.
My chance to pee
with the door open
- that got interrupted by a gunfight.
- More than some people get.
Do those people
also have to hold it
while falling out
of a moving train
and then slogging
through a river covered in mud
that they can't clean off
or a cheap-ass drone
will come and kill them?
I also have to pee.
Don't worry.
You'll be peeing very soon.
Carlotta, thank goodness.
Tell my friends you're here to
rescue me and then kill them.
- Rescue? I'm here to kill you.
- You, them?
You as in you,
you pompous, abusive,
culturally ambiguous
middle manager.
Middle manager?
I led the company!
That's what you got from that?
Jesus, this is why
everyone hates you.
Carlotta, I assure you,
I did my best.
Anything you disagreed with,
that was the board.
There was no board!
You just made them up
to have someone to blame
for all your bad choices.
Whoa, that's actually
a good idea.
Technically, the board
did exist for a week.
- And then had them killed.
- Tell them I say hello.
Wait, he's the only one
who can stop the drones
- that are coming to kill us all.
- I'll take that risk.
[gunfire]
- Ow! God damn it.
- Sorry.
[tense music]
[drones whirring]
[Carlotta] Take it down!
- What the hell, Archer?
- Sorry, it was instinct.
- To save me?
- God, no, to save the mission.
Um, guys, do I have
as little mud on my face
as you do on yours?
How could I possibly
make that comparison?
[drone beeping and whirring]
[Pam] Go!
[all screaming]
Okay, state your name
for the record.
- Uh, pass.
- [Hernandez] What?
I just prefer not to.
- You understand.
- I don't.
Well, the surprise witness
is surprising the surprisers.
No one at the office is answering.
We are not ready for this.
Lana, our record speaks for itself.
We do good in the world.
And Cheryl is wearing them down.
State your name for the record!
Let's just move on
to the evidence.
Can you confirm that this
is the work of the Agency?
[Cheryl] Yep.
Uh-huh.
Uh, probably.
[laughs] Yeah.
In our defense,
that was full of hydrogen.
Oh, God, I was wrong
about our record.
- We're monsters.
- Can you not?
[Pam] Not what?
Pam, can you not look at me
while we're doing this?
You choose the handcuffs.
I chose where I look.
Boi-oi-oing.
[Fabian] They all hate me.
- After everything I did for them.
- [laughs] Okay.
On the bright side,
we made it to Liechtenstein.
Pants up and never
speak of this on three.
One, two, three.
Hey, I hear cars that way.
We can find a ride.
[Fabian grunts]
Seriously? We're almost there.
What are you doing, Fabian?
I'm giving up.
Let the drones take me.
For what is life without
the respect of my peers?
Hey, bud, you have my respect.
[Fabian] I don't really care about that.
[somber music]
♪
- You have my respect, Fabian.
- Really?
Yeah, you know, I still hate you,
but you're
a semi-worthy adversary.
I feel the same way!
In spite of everything,
we're not so different.
No, I didn't say that.
We're very, very different.
You handcuffed us together
so we could bond.
Two lone wolves,
learning to survive as a pack.
[howls]
I'm coming around to death by drone.
Oh, shit, I hear
something else coming around.
[motorcycles rumbling]
[Archer]
Ha, ha, found our ride.
- You mean the guys that wanna kill us?
- I have an idea.
[dramatic music]
[motorcyclist growls]
[engine revving]
[Fabian] You've been got oh!
[Pam laughs] Oh, damn, dude,
that just popped right off.
Why was his neck so weak?
More importantly, how are
we all fitting on this thing?
[birds cawing]
[music]
- Hang on.
- It's a short drive.
Yeah, it better be. Oh, God,
crows are pecking at the head.
[vomits]
I forgive you, friend.
Great, 'cause I'm about
to do it again.
[vomiting]
[jaunty polka music]
Champagne to go.
I mean, who does that?
Switzerland does it.
Can you believe the others spent
the entire ride in the toilet?
I did until a second ago.
[gunfire]
- We're close.
- How close?
- Time or distance?
- Will we die before we get there?
That depends on one thing:
the intimacy of our friendship.
Can you not say stuff like that
while we're penis to penis?
Just say nose to nose.
[tense music]
[grunts]
I was born
to an Albanian seamstress.
It was a breech birth.
For my fifth birthday, I was
gifted a kitten by my uncle
but gave it up upon
discovering a mild allergy.
What the hell are you doing?
[Fabian]
Bonding by sharing traumas.
You call those traumas?
I never knew my father.
My mother started me drinking
at eight to keep me quiet.
I lost my virginity and my dog
to a Brazilian au pair.
My archrival killed and later
dated my one true love.
Thank you for sharing.
I see you.
I wasn't connecting.
I was one-upping.
♪
Damn it, probably shouldn't
have handcuffed my gun hand.
I can help. Give me a gun.
Better idea, I'll just
shoot myself in the face
- and cut out the middleman.
- Sterling, trust me.
We're all about to die.
Just give him the damn gun.
Ugh.
Bang, bang.
Just kidding, my friend.
♪
[gun clicks]
I'm out.
- [Pam] We're here.
- Brake!
[tires squeal]
[Fabian] Oh, dear God.
What is happening
with necks in this country?
[Pam]
We've got bigger problems.
Specifically,
lots of smaller problems.
[drones whirring]
- Are those
- The good drones.
[drones beeping and whirring]
[gunfire]
Well, if I have to die,
I'm glad it's next to friends.
Stop making this something it's not.
Damn it, who buys
a drone with knives?
[glass shatters]
[explosion]
The same person with two thumbs
and no more champagne
this guy.
I am still drunk from the train.
Get inside
and deactivate these fuckers.
- [Cyril] Not cool.
- [Hernandez] Excuse me?
- What are you doing?
- Speaking truth to power.
And the truth is, this isn't cool.
You called us in here
for an ambush.
Mr. Figgis, this is
a fact-finding meeting.
Oh, yeah, with quorum of
member states as required
to adopt a resolution, per
the UN rules of procedure?
That's what I thought.
You're grandstanding.
You already know
what you plan to do.
But guess what?
We're the Agency.
We're used to ambushes and bad
odds and terrible situations.
[gunfire]
That's where we thrive
because we're not just
the front lines.
We're a step beyond that.
If we do our job right,
there never is a front line.
So you can look at the screen
and see our failures, sure.
- What the?
- But the world you're living in,
the world you're
living in right now,
that is our success.
[yelps]
[explosion]
- I tried. Your turn.
- I don't have a gun.
You can't shoot me!
I never filled out
my starting paperwork!
[screams]
♪
You're welcome.
What the hell happened?
The door only allows
one person through at a time.
Getting pretty droney out here.
How do I deactivate the drones?
You can't, not without
my handprint for the scanner.
We almost made it all
the way, didn't we, friend?
I couldn't have made it
this far without you.
But I've got it from here, friend.
[grunts]
Ow! What the shit?
[Archer]
Thanks for the hand, friend.
[laughs]
[computer]
Protocol deactivated.
[drone powers down]
- So how we all feeling?
- [Archer] Better than Fabian.
Can you believe he doesn't
wanna be friends anymore?
- You cut off his hand.
- For a good cause.
- And I gave it back to him.
- After you shot him the bird with it.
That was Zara's idea.
- [laughs] And it was hilarious.
- Thanks.
It's not my first dismemberment.
Going forward,
no more cutting off hands
and taunting people with them.
The UN came after us today,
but we really dodged a bullet
by saving them from bullets.
I just wanna say
I was only siding
- with the UN for immunity.
- Yeah, you told us.
Oh, no. Uh, guys?
[Hernandez]
In light of recent events,
it is with overwhelming support
from our member nations
that this council votes
to declare all
private independent
spy agencies illegal.
They will be given
30 days to disband.
[all gasp]
Is that 30 calendar days
or business days?
[sighs] God damn it.
♪