It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s14e08 Episode Script

1 MAN: But Miss Covington does not govern the lady of the house.
If you'll have me as your husband, that is what you shall be.
- Whoa! - What? Oh, my God.
I did not see that coming.
Well, no I mean, Lord Davenforth and Anna the scullery maid? I mean, that's it's kind of scandalous, really.
- Kind of scandalous? - Yeah.
I usually hate this old-time British crap.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know? But, like, this-this show is amazing.
- Yeah.
- It's good.
It's They actually knew that you would love it 'cause of the algorithm.
- The the what? - (CLEARS THROAT) The-the algorithm.
Yeah, all of our previously-watched shows, they go into a data bank, so they can accurately predict which shows you'll love moving forward.
So they knew what was gonna happen.
See, the algorithm, it takes thinking - out of the equation, basically.
- Hmm.
Well, that's because math and computers can think better for us than we can think for ourselves.
Yeah ooh, shut up, shut up.
I-It's decided we're watching another one.
Ah, I love that it does that, too.
Another thing I don't have to think about.
You know what I mean? I-I What I am thinking about, though, is the fish and chips.
The fish and chips.
- These snacks aren't cutting it.
- Where's Frank? - I want substance.
Where is Frank? - Need something hearty.
- He supposed to be here - It is weird how, when you watch stuff like this, you feel like you want to eat like the British.
CHARLIE: Constantly want to eat like - Cop! Cop! - (SHOUTING) - All right, fine.
- I'm filming this! - Hey, hey, hey.
Calm down! - I didn't do it I came in to tell you there's a suicidal man on the roof.
He's threatening to jump.
- We have nothing to do with that! - (ALL SHOUTING) Right.
Well, the police are handling it, but I need you to sit tight.
No one can enter or exit the building until the situation is resolved.
- Oh - Okay.
Thank you, ma'am.
- DENNIS: Thank you for your service.
- MAC: Yeah, we love, - we love the police.
- Go blue.
Blue-Blue Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter.
Sh-Shit, man.
You guys know what this means, right? What? We're not gonna get our fish and chips.
Shifting gears now, we have reports of a developing situation at Paddy's Pub.
- Oh, that's us.
There we are.
- Hey.
All right, there we go.
- We're on TV.
Oh, my God.
- That's our bar.
A man by the name of Bryan O'Brien is threatening to jump off the roof.
(LAUGHS) "Bryan O'Brien".
- (LAUGHS) - I'd kill myself, too, if I had that clown's name.
You literally have the name of a clown.
- That's true, you do.
- All right, you know what? This is moving a little too slow for me.
Let's-let's-let's click it back - over to the show, yeah? - Yeah! Uh, whoa, h-hold on a second, Dennis.
Uh, this guy's gonna commit suicide off of our roof.
I mean, shouldn't we do something? - Us? - Us do something? - Why would we? - The cops are handling it.
- Yeah.
- Well, yeah, but I mean, look, if he actually goes through with it, that's a mortal sin.
I mean, maybe God is testing us.
He's not gonna do anything.
This is a classic cry for help.
If the guy actually wanted to off himself, he'd hop into a warm bath and he'd do the old (SUCKS LIPS) You know? North, south.
- DENNIS: Hmm? - Hmm? He'd go "down the road" instead of "across the street".
You know what I mean? - I don't know what you mean.
- I have no idea what you mean.
The proper way to slit your wrist is take a knife and, ideally, you go from metacarpal straight to bicep, connecting with the artery - the entire time.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, you've done research.
- Ugh.
- That is the most pathetic thing, Dee.
- No, I I-I'm not talking we're not talking about me.
We're talking about him.
- Are we not? I think we're - DENNIS: We are now.
Okay, you know what? The point is, I'm just saying, the man has no intention of offing himself, all right? - This is a pathetic attention grab.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, well, it-it doesn't matter if he wants do or he doesn't want to.
He's not gonna die falling from that height.
Whoa.
Hard disagree, pal.
You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.
What? Dude, it's like three stories.
It's like basic science, you know, like Uh, oh, I'm sorry.
Let's not bring science into it.
Okay? I mean, this is life or death.
This is God's territory.
All right? I mean, there is no science.
- All right.
- What do you mean What do you mean "there is no science"? I mean, you were just talking about how much you love science and math for predicting your television shows.
The wh-why do you not like it in this scenario? Like, uh do you either believe in science or you do not believe in science? I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want - I am also an American.
Okay, though? - in any given moment based on what the argument I'm trying to make.
- That is not an argument.
- Okay? You are not a true American, Charlie.
I'm more American than - you will ever be! - You s Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Simmer down, guys.
S just simmer down, calm down.
All right? Dee, stop being so emotional.
Okay? So, guys, I think I have a way that we can solve this argument without human emotion mucking it all up.
What we need is an algorithm.
(SIREN WAILS) Now, guys, we are living in a data-driven world, are we not? Yeah! So this is my Behavioral Predictor algorithm.
- Oh.
There's words.
Okay.
- Mm.
- So, first we have: "Could he?" - No way, uh-uh.
- Then "Would he?" - Nah.
Cry for help.
- CHARLIE: Mm-hmm.
- And "Should we?" - Yes.
- (STAMMERS) Guys, please.
Shut the hell up! I don't need your opinions.
Okay? 'Cause based on the analytical conclusions that we draw here, we're gonna be able to come up with a mathematically-accurate, non-emotional answer to all of our questions.
Okay? We just need to think like a computer.
- CHARLIE: Oh - MAC: Oh.
Like a computer does.
- I-I'm getting it now.
- Okay.
Exactly.
So why don't we start with "Could he?" Charlie? - Okay, great.
(CLEARS THROAT) - Do the thing.
All right.
So, what we have here is I made a little Paddy's Pub.
- All right.
- Ah.
DENNIS: And-and you got the, uh, the jumper? Uh, I do.
I do.
Uh, luckily I brought an egg to work today.
- Oh! Look at that guy.
- All right, so when the guys falls, we'll be able to tell, based on the breakage, what would happen to the jumper when - I think he's gonna smash.
- Y-Yeah, okay.
- Here we go.
- So, he's up here and he's saying, "Oh, - I feel so sad.
Life is so" - Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Yeah, Dee, what would you say in this situation? DEE: Well, I don't think he's sad, I think he's happy to get off this merry-go-round.
- (INHALES) - CHARLIE: Oh, my God.
- That's so pathetic.
- I'd never I would never That you would know that.
- You've thought about it.
- You asked me a - You had that in the chamber.
- I'm talking about the egg.
- Here he goes.
"Goodbye, world".
- MAC: Goodbye.
- DENNIS: Oh.
- CHARLIE: Okay.
So I think he'll break a leg, but, you know - Mm-hmm.
- he'll be okay.
DEE: Hmm.
If I'm being honest, I was hoping his entire skull - would just explode.
- DENNIS: Right.
I think we all were, Mac.
We were hoping - for a bit of an explosion.
Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, but I think what we learned is that there's no way that the jumper's gonna die from this height.
You know? So there's no reason for us to do anything about it.
Uh, I don't know about that, b I think the problem is, is that, you know, an egg, i-in this particular case, a-a hard-boiled egg, it's not really an accurate representation of-of the human head - and how it would behave under a fall.
- Yeah, that's true.
Now, Charlie, do you happen to ha I know you've got more eggs - Yeah - Do you happen to have an uncooked one? Ugh.
No.
Unfortunately, that was the only one I found.
Found? What does that mean? Goddamn it, Dee, are you eating my egg? Well, yeah.
I got hungry.
- Oh - Uh, we never got our fish and chips.
You bitch.
That was the only one in the nest.
Nest? What? Charlie, where did you get this egg? - DENNIS: Where'd you get the egg? - And why are you going around stealing eggs from goddamn nests in trees? Well, it wasn't in-in a tree, it was in a hole.
- (RETCHING) Oh, no - Yeah.
I mean, - it's, like, a rat's egg or something.
- (COUGHS) Can we get back to the task at hand here? All right? Okay.
Dee's eaten some sort of a rat or a reptile's egg - (DEE GROANS) - of some kind, - or whatever it is, but - Yeah.
either way, we got to find something that accurately represents the human head, all right? Otherwise, we're not gonna get the explosion that we want.
Oh, you know what, I might be able to get Frank's secret casaba melon.
Mmm.
Hmm? Why does Frank keep a casaba melon in the safe? Hmm? I don't know, but he flips out if I go anywhere near the thing.
Has he cut a hole in the rind, and then put it back on, like a plug? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah, there's a little - You guys think he's having sex with it? - Well yeah.
- He's definitely having sex with it.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh, that's Prob-Probably is.
- Yeah.
- Probably is.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
Hey, guess what.
There's a guy stuck on the roof of Paddy's.
Oh, no, he's not stuck, he's a jumper.
A jumper? You think you could die from that height? Uh, well, inconclusive.
Yeah.
We'll have an answer for you on that real soon.
Speaking of which, we need your casaba melon.
We're gonna run a smash test on it.
FRANK: Whoa, hold it.
What, what, what? Stay away from my stuff.
Don't put your hands near my casaba.
Yeah, hey, man, why do you have a-a casaba melon in a safe? You-you banging it? It's none of your goddamn business, Dennis.
- None of your goddamn business! - Banging it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Damn it, I got to get in there.
Damn it.
Dennis is touching my melon.
No.
I got to get in there.
Sir, move back.
This area's cordoned off.
There's a jumper on the roof.
You don't understand.
It's my son.
He's gonna do something really stupid.
I got to get in there.
Oh, your son? - Yeah.
- Come with me, sir.
- Okay.
- Step aside, please.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, please keep a safe distance - around the perimeter.
- All right, here we go.
Oh, okay, now, I think this is finally gonna give us that explosion we've been craving.
Well, yeah.
Now, if we see splatter, that's gonna prove that he could die by jumping, so yeah.
Okay, ready? Here we go.
Five ALL: Four, three, two, one, ho - DEE: Cricket! - DENNIS: Cricket! - Cricket.
- Where did you come from? I was up on the roof getting eggs from a nest.
What the hell? Come on, man.
Yeah, yeah, well, I checked the hole, but it was empty.
- Oh, I got the one in the hole.
- The hole.
Hey, you know that you guys have a guy up on your roof? - Yeah, we know.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
There's a guy, there's a jumper.
Guys, why the hell are you wasting a perfectly good casaba melon? We're trying to figure out if the guy could die from falling off our roof, so Oh, no way.
No.
I've fallen off buildings before; I never die.
And look at me.
I'm doing great.
Yeah, but you're not really a trustworthy control group, Cricket.
I mean, you know, you're sort of subhuman at this point, you know.
- For sure.
- I don't know how to squeeze that one into the algorithm.
Hey, I'm just going to, uh, take the casaba and head on out.
(ALL PROTESTING) No, you're not, Cricket.
- Get out of here, street rat.
- Go! - Get out! Go.
- Fine.
Go get high in the bathroom, or whatever.
Cricket actually just made me realize something.
We already have data for this situation.
Maureen Ponderosa.
Now, she died from falling off a much shorter building.
- Yeah, but you pushed her.
- No, no, no, they never proved that.
That was never proven.
It was never even proven that she was pushed.
Okay? But it was, I have to say, fortunate that she landed on her head, you know.
Or at least he certainly made it look that way.
- He pushed her.
- Yeah, he pushed her.
No, I was following your threads.
Come on, you guys are nuts, all right.
Li-Listen, the point is, it's all about how this guy falls, okay.
'Cause if he falls feet first, he might break a couple bones, sure, but he-he'll be fine, he'll survive, you know what I mean? That'd be more of a cry for help, right? - Wouldn't you say, Dee? - Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
- So sad that you know that.
- Stop! But if the guy falls head first, now that'd be a death jump.
Right? So the answer to the question "could he die from jumping?" Yeah, absolutely, if he did a death jump.
Okay, you're right.
It's how he falls.
Exactly, exactly.
But the question still remains: would he jump, would he do it at all? And for that we need to understand his state of mind.
And for that, we got to go back to the algorithm.
All right, so how does one go about figuring out what another human being would do? Right? How do you truly get to know someone? - Just go through their trash.
- Sleep with them.
- Oh.
- Uh, talk to their priest, then sleep with their priest.
Then blackmail the priest.
Then go back to the priest and ask him to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing him.
No.
No.
You just, uh We're just gonna pull up Bryan O'Brien's social media page, and we're gonna comb through that for any pertinent information on his life.
Okay, so from what I'm seeing here, he looks like a pretty normal guy.
Yeah, it looks like he likes to travel.
He was recently on a cruise.
CHARLIE: Lot, lot of pictures of food.
I love that.
- DEE: Oh, I love that.
- DENNIS: Oh, I love that.
- CHARLIE: Don't you love that? - 'Cause I know what I ate.
I don't know I want to know what you ate.
CHARLIE: It's a good reminder that food is a thing.
- DENNIS: Yeah, exactly.
Right.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, so it looks like he's got a lot to live for.
- He's eating food.
- Mm-hmm.
Or-or-or is he? Because is is that just what he wants you to believe? You know, because we all know that on the surface, social media it's a lie.
All right, so let's dig deeper, shall we? Now, clock the amount of baseball caps this guy's wearing, and with the tucked-in shirts, it's a bit of a juvenile look for a man his age, wouldn't you say? I mean, he's hardly a child, but he's still hanging on to his youth.
That suggests to me that maybe he's got some daddy issues.
- Mm-hmm.
- Abandonment, abuse.
Plus, he gave him a comical name, like Mac's dad did.
His dad hates him as much as Mac's dad hates him.
That's so sad.
No, my dad loves me.
That No, my name's an homage.
- No, it's not.
He really doesn't.
- My dad's name's an homage.
It's an homage to a hamburger clown.
But, uh, oh, look at this, looks like he also, uh, just got back from a cruise, alone, to mainland Alaska.
Oh.
- Lame.
- Where he met himself an edgy woman at a conference, and she introduced him to a whole new way of life: parasailing, Chilean wines, a tattoo of Spider-Man, butt-eating Butt-eating? Where are you getting that from? Well there's a certain glint in the eye, you know, a sparkle.
You can see that in someone's eye? - Oh, Dee.
- I'm asking.
(GASPS) - Have you been eating butts? - CHARLIE: Of course she has! - Nasty! - You are too much today, Dee.
- I was clarifying.
- You're nasty.
- Too much.
- I just was curious.
But recently the girlfriend, she's disappeared from his pictures, which tells me that, uh, she probably broke up with him, you know, because of all his father issues, and 'cause he's an alcoholic, and because of the copious requests for butt-eating, which, she was thinking was more of a one-time thing, and he was thinking, this is a thing now, like, from now on.
You got him.
Nice work, man.
- Yeah.
Geez.
- That sums this guy up, I think.
All right, guys, so in summation, algorithm-wise, what have we learned here today? - That Dee's a nasty fucking slut.
- You are so nasty.
- Okay, all right.
- You nasty! - Disgusting.
- Definitely, definitely, but also that the poorly named Bryan O'Brien most definitely would kill himself.
- No-no-no - So has your son exhibited this kind of behavior before? What? Oh, yeah, he's a real deranged person.
This kid's a real whack job.
I'm afraid he's gonna do something really stupid this time.
I got to get in there.
- I can't let you do that, sir.
- But-but, look, it might've been my fault.
I mean, we had an argument I assure you we're doing all we can.
We're trying to talk to him now.
- So just stay put.
- But-but, hey Excuse me, sir, I'm Jackie Denardo from Channel Five News.
("ALONE" BY HEART PLAYING) Oh, oh, whoa.
I hear you're the father.
- I would love to interview you.
- (STAMMERS) Baby, I'll do anything you want.
My son is actually a big fan of yours.
- Oh.
- I mean, it would really get under his skin if he knew I was standing next to those.
Uh, you.
You.
- (SIRENS WAILING) - (HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING) Okay, guys, now we are on to "Should we?" Should we get involved in this in any way? Is it our moral obligation, as Mac says, to keep this man from committing suicide - and going to hell - What I feel I don't know.
I still think we just better, like, - let the cops do their jobs.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm, I don't know.
But we've already established that this guy could die and would jump, so, I don't know, the chances of the police getting in there in time to-to stop this guy are, uh, pretty slim.
And then we could be known as a suicide bar, and that's no good.
I don't want to be that.
Yeah, kind of grim.
I'd probably take my business elsewhere.
You don't have business.
Oh! What, uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful.
Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like, uh, The Last Call.
The Jump Shot.
- (GASPS) - Lemon Drop.
- Right.
- Oh.
There you go.
Cosmo-fall-itan? - Oh! - Very good.
We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers.
You know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar - to immortalize them, you know? - DEE: Oh, yeah.
Turn them into martyrs.
That's cool.
And we'd play music.
We'd play music.
Uh, "Highway to Hell".
"Free Fallin'".
"Free Fallin'".
Come on, man.
That's You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a-a haunted, a haunted house - kind of bar theme, like you know? - Oh, well, I'm loving that.
- Yeah, that'd get my business back.
- DEE: You don't have business, - Cricket.
- You don't have business, guy.
Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies.
Yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved?" is is actually yes.
- Huh? Why, though? - Yeah, but-but if-if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right, Dennis? W-Well No, that's not what I'm saying, though.
More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying.
You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies.
Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint, we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody.
- Hmm.
- The algorithm is telling us, mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die, and that we should help him do it.
(WHISPERS) That's just math.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
Well, it still feels a little weird, but feelings are irrelevant in the face of facts.
- Yeah.
- Is that what I'm hearing? The feelings feelings just get in the way.
Now, but here's-here's the only thing, though.
Like, if we were gonna do something like this, - like - Mm-hmm? you know, how would we do it? Like, in the right way? Do we need to do another algorithm to figure this out? CRICKET: Eh.
- Nah, I'll push him.
- CHARLIE: Huh? What's that? Yeah.
I'll push him off the building.
I don't give a shit.
This is such a difficult situation for any parent.
Yeah.
If you could, would you like to say anything to your son? Oh, yeah.
Look, you think you can do whatever you want, but what's mine is mine.
You don't have a call.
If I want to bang it, I'm gonna bang it.
Not that I am banging it, but I could.
And if it doesn't splatter to bits, I'm gonna bang it later.
(CHOKES) Because it's my property.
And what I do with my property is my business.
- You got that? - I-I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have breaking news.
- Eh.
- I've gotten word - the jumper is coming down.
- Oh.
I've been told he found out his estranged father is here - and he wants to come down and talk.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's call - He's calling me strange? - Wait, wait You don't know what this sicko kid has done.
Okay, Cricket, uh, here's a broom.
You probably sneak up there, give him a little nudge, and, uh, you know, don't let anyone see you - commit the murder.
- DENNIS: Whoa, uh Guys, can-can we just not call it a murder? Let's try to think of it more analytically, more mathematically.
It's sort of like a deletion.
You know? Like hitting Control-Alt-Delete.
Bloop.
He's in the trash.
- Oh, that's all it is, right? - MAC: I like that.
- That works for me.
- Uh-oh.
Blip.
He's gone.
Breaking news right now.
Uh, there's some clarification.
The jumper did not jump.
He did not jump from the roof.
He is coming down the stairs.
G oh, dude, that's What a gyp.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- We were gonna we had a good plan.
Can I say something, though? I think this is for the best.
Right.
- You know what I mean? - Probably.
That's not the algorithm - Right.
- Like, we were going down a road - I was not totally comfortable with.
- DEE: Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You guys want to go back to watching our show? - Let's get back to our show.
- Right? The show.
- All right.
- Why are we watching this stuff? - Okay.
Yeah, okay.
- The guy didn't even jump.
That's boring.
Chet, what we are about to witness here is a father being reunited with his son after a harrowing day.
- Here he is now.
- Yeah.
Hey This isn't my dad.
That's not Dennis.
I thought you said you were the dad.
Not of this sad sack.
I'm sorry, kid.
Must've been a mix-up.
I got distracted by the reporter's bagonzas.
Speaking of melons, there's a casaba with my name on it in there.
Dear Anna, our time apart only makes my heart grow fonder.
- In the dead of night - CHARLIE: Oh! Hey, you got our fish and chips? - Ate 'em.
- DEE: Uh - You ate 'em? - Wow.
Hey, wait, wait.
- Where's my melon? Where's my casaba? - Oh It's right here, man.
Why do you care so much about this thing? - What is the deal? - Ah Yeah, what is the deal with that? - Ugh.
- Oh.
- Ah - Oh, God.
Ugh! It's where I stash my Maui Kush.
- You hide your weed in a casaba melon? - Yeah.
In case the cops ransack the place, you got to find a good, unsuspecting spot to stash your drugs.
Pot's pretty much legal now.
You don't really have to stash it anywhere.
I-I don't think you have to hide it, man.
When did that happen? - Can you move? - You're blocking our show, man.
Yeah.
- Come on, man.
- You're blocking the show.
FRANK: I didn't know that.
What? You're still watching that British show? I mean, that's a bunch of crap.
- It stinks.
- Uh Uh, well, no, actually, the algorithm told us that we like it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
And-and, um - Yeah.
- I don't.
You know what I mean? Like, I can't follow what they're saying most of the time.
Thank you for saying that.
I find it very boring.
- Okay, now, I - It is boring, right? I hate the plot because it's absurd.
The plot is ridiculous.
- Right? The scullery maid? - And their teeth, I find them hard to look at.
The teeth are a little bit of a mess, but mathematically - we're supposed to like the show.
- CHARLIE: Uh, yeah, I know, but mathematically we were supposed to kill a man today.
Maybe that's, like, part of the problem of, like, taking the humanity out of decisions.
Perhaps the science just isn't there yet.
Hey! Where did we land on the casaba? I-I think you can eat it, man.
I think we're done with it.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, we're done.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Oh! - Yeah, baby.
- FRANK: Eh.
I wouldn't eat it, Cricks.
It's full of loads.
(TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS)